As I mentioned in one of my fanfics (I think it was one of my Random Silliness sessions…), this is a James Bond parody. I've seen almost all of them (with the exceptions of Tomorrow Never Dies and Die Another Day), and the majority of the ones I have seen I've watched three times. I feel I have earned the right to mock Bond at this point.
Anyway, this is an Alternate Universe, movie parody fanfic (meaning it's in script format with screen directions and everything so if anybody ever feels like acting out this parody they can. Just tell me if you do.) There will be plenty of Out of Characterness (duh, this is me writing this after all) and the Fourth Wall will be blown to hell several times. If you've seen Woody Allen's "What's Up Tiger Lily" then you have a fairly decent idea of what to expect.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and James Bond belong to a bunch of companies that would love to sue my ass the microsecond I try to make m1y from this fanfic. Any random anime characters or songs that appear in this fanfic belong to their respective and numerous owners.
Key: Items in bold label screen directions
Items in italics are song lyrics and sound effects.
Bold and italicized items are captions.
Int. Darkened room. – Zechs is standing in front of a large map of the solar system. He is wearing his OZ uniform from the Gundam Wing series (mask and all).
Zechs: Soon… soon it shall all be mine! AHAHAHA!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAA!!
???: [off-camera] Mr. Peacecraft? The ninth graders are waiting for you in the music room.
Zechs: Crap…
Opening credits. – Flying view over a busy city. Camera occasionally stops on women's butts.
Kaori: You guys cut that out!!
Bantaro: Why should we? This is the way the unrefined are supposed to behave!
Kaori: How would you like to be unrefined in traction???!!!
Bantaro: meep!
SILVERMASKThere's a man who leads a life of danger.
Starring: Heero YuyMilliardo Peacecraft
Relena Peacecraft
Dorothy Catolonia
Duo Maxwell
Trowa Barton
Quatre R. Winner
Chang Wufei
…and a bunch of other people. ^_^
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes,
Another chance he takes.
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow.
Directed by: Kaori
Assistant Directors: Ayamachi and Machigai
Secret
Agent Man.
Secret Agent Man.
Cameramen: Bantaro, Ozaru, Kozaru, Shiro, Koinosuke, and Hajime
They've given you a number.
And taken away your name.
Produced by: Quatre R. Winner
Music Director: Priss
Beware of pretty faces that you find.
A pretty face may hide an evil mind.
Heero: Especially if you're talking about fanfic authors.
Kaori: I'll take that as a compliment.
Ruri: Baka, we'll have to re-dub this entire section now because of all the over voicing.
Kaori: No let's leave it as it is, the audience will get a kick out of it.
Ooh be careful what you say.
Or you give yourself away.
Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow.
Stunt/Fight Coordinators: Ranma Saotome, Yusuke Urameshi, and Elle Ragu
Pyrotechnics: Dilandau, Lina Inverse, Duo Maxwell, and Tasuki
Secret Agent Man.
Dilandau: MOERO!!!!!
Kaori: Not yet!!! The credits are still rolling for chrissakes!
Secret Agent Man.
They've given you a number.
And taken away your name.
Other Special Effects: The Great Will of the Macrocosm AKA Will-chan
Costumes: The Furinkan High School Drama Club
Swinging on the Riviera one day
Layin' in a Bombay alley the next.
Oh don't let the wrong word slip.
While kissin persuasive lips.
Audio and Sound Effects: Ruri Hoshino and Omoikane
Catering by: Sasami and the Haomei Girls
Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow.
Secret
Agent Man.
Secret Agent Man.
Written by: Kaori
They've given you a number.
And taken away your name.
Scene 1. Interior Interpol (or what appears to be Interpol) HQ – Slow pan up the building and zoom into the fourth floor window. Pan around to show Lady Une sitting behind her desk playing with an etch-a-sketch. The intercom buzzes and she jumps.
Lady Une: [presses a button] What is it?
???: Sorry to interrupt you, ma'am. Agent Double O 1 is here to see you.
Lady Une: [looks at her desk clock] He's early, tell him to find something to do for the next forty-five minutes.
???: I'll try….
Lady Une: Don't try, do it! [goes back to playing with the etch-a-sketch]
Heero: [kicks in the door to Une's office]
Lady Une: [jumps. The etch-a-sketch goes flying out the window.]
Heero: [poses in the door] Yuy, Heero Yuy.
Duo: [pops out of the file cabinet] Wouldn't it be more correct to announce yourself as Yuy Heero?
Heero: [Death Glare] You're not even in this scene! Go away!
Duo: [disappears into the file cabinet]
Lady Une: [annoyed] I thought I told you to come back later, Double O 1!!
Heero: And deprive the fangirls of watching me make an entrance? I don't think so.
Lady Une: Your egotism is astounding… [straitens her blouse] Well since you are here, I may as well give you your mission. [stands up and walks over to the bookcase. She pulls a book out from the second shelf. Nothing happens. She pulls out another book. Still nothing happens. Heero reaches over and pulls out a book. The bookcase slides open. Une glares at him.] I hate you…
Heero: [smirks] Hn.
Une and Heero walk into the passageway, and the bookcase closes behind them.
Scene 2. Interior. Your typical secret laboratory inside the government-owned building. - Camera pans around the room for ten seconds so we can see the extras milling around. Nuriko and Miaka spot the camera and wave at it stupidly; Tamahome bops them both upside the head for breaking character. Camera continues to pan and then stops on a metallic door. Door opens, Une and Heero step out.
Une: [disgusted] Must you always moon the cameras in the elevator?
Heero: You know you like it.
Une: …Whatever.
Heero: Deny it all you want, you know my ass is sexy!
Une: Do you want to hear the mission details or not?
Heero: Fine, fine. What is it this time?
Une: [evil grin] Ask me properly.
Heero: [sighs] What is my mission, oh great and powerful purveyor of my paychecks and sexy assistants?
Une: Glad you asked Double O 1! Nichol! Tell him what today's mission is!
Nichol (disembodied, cheesy, game show host's sidekick impression): Today, Agent Double O 1 will try to stop the evil Silvermask's diabolical world domination plot and rescue the kidnapped scientists!
Heero: Again? Are the scientists sexy at least?
Nichol: They're a bunch of freaky-looking old men.
Heero: Screw that! I'm not doing it.
Nichol: [sing-song] You get to blow up a lot of stu-uufff!
Heero: ….how much stuff?
Nichol: The sky's the limit.
Heero: Okay, I'll do it.
Canned applause.
Une: Excellent. Let's go see Q and get you equipped.
Une and Heero walk over to another section of the lab where Quatre is fiddling with something. Quatre is wearing a light pink lab coat; infer from this what you will, the director doesn't care….but apparently the producer does, so his lab coat is airbrushed white using the magic of computer graphics technology. Everyone in the theater who notices the change is to be shot.
Quatre: Hello Agent Double O 1.
Heero: What have you got for me this time, Q?
Quatre: For this mission we will be equipping you with the standard multi-function watch, laser pen, laser cufflinks, and Swiss army knife as well as a few special goodies.
Heero: [hopefully] Pixie Stix?
Quatre:…no.
Heero: Damn.
Quatre: Don't look like that. You get paid a ridiculous amount of money, you don't need us to give you candy.
Heero: Are you kidding? Do you have any idea what it amounts to after taxes?
Quatre: Hmm…I suppose you have a point there…
Une: Q, Double O 1, this is not the time.
Quatre: You're right. [turns and picks up what looks like Heero's usual gun] This may look like an ordinary gun, but when you press the little button behind the hammer… [turns and aims at one of the extras. Flames erupt from the gun and fry the extra]
Extra: AAGH! Fire! Fire! Fire! [runs around in circles]
Quatre: As you can see, it turns into a very powerful flamethrower.
Heero: Or one hell of a cigarette lighter.
Quatre: Mmmm, quite. The flamethrower option can only be used three times before it has to be refueled, so use it wisely. Then there's this little number…[turns around and pulls up a slinky dress]
Heero: Ooooh no! No cross dressing! You might be able to get Double O 2 into it, but not me! Keep your sick fantasies to yourself!
Quatre: Now see here Double O 1…
Heero: I don't care what you say, I'm not going to wear that dress!
Quatre: You don't have to wear it baka, it's part of your mission! [under his breath]Besides, it wouldn't fit you anyway… [louder] You are to deliver it to your contact so that she knows it's you. She runs a dry cleaning service as a front so that she can give information to agents in the area. When you give her the dress say, "I also came to pick this up." And show her this. [hold up what looks like a laundry ticket] She'll give you the information you'll need. Clear?
Heero: Crystal.
Quatre: Good man. Best of luck to you Double O 1.
Scene 3. Exterior. Day. Non-descript public high school – Zechs (mask-less and wearing rather ordinary clothing) is walking towards the gymnasium. Akito Tenkawa, wearing baggy jeans and a rugby shirt, comes running up to him.
Akito: Mr. Peacecraft, there's a blonde lady in a pink cat suit waiting for you in the parking lot. She says it's very important.
Zechs: Thank you. [gets a pained expression on his face] What the hell is that girl thinking…
Scene switch to the parking lot, where Relena is leaning against a Corvette. She is indeed wearing a pink cat suit with matching go-go boots. Students and faculty passing by look at her with varying expressions. Zechs appears on the scene looking very annoyed.
Zechs: Relena, what are you doing here wearing that getup.
Relena: What? Don't you like it?
Zechs: No I don't, but that isn't the point. You're making yourself very conspicuous.
Relena: Hmph. And here I come all this way to deliver this progress report [holds up a small white envelope and waves it around] about Project…
Zechs: Give me that! [snatches the envelope out of her hand] Now go back to the base and wait.
Relena: Fine then! [pouts and flounces off]
Zechs: Why do I even keep her around?
Dream Sequence. AKA Zechs' Wild Imagination – Close up on Zechs' eyes as the very badly-drawn dream sequence begins. We see a Super Deformed Zechs sitting on a dais. An SD Heero jumps onto the scene holding a gun.
SD Heero: [word bubble] Omae wo korosu, Silvermask!
SD Zechs: [word bubble] Oh no! [reaches behind the dais, pulls up SD Relena and throws her at him]
SD Relena: [you get the idea by now] HEERRROOOO!!! *glomp*
SD Heero: Gack!! Can't… breathe…..[turns blue and passes out]
SD Zechs: Bwuahahaha!!! [whips out a gun and shoots both SD Heero and Relena]
End Dream Sequence
Zechs: Ah yes… that's why…. But couldn't I at least have gotten a dream sequence that didn't look like it was drawn by a six-year old?
Kaori: [off camera] I RESENT THAT!! I DO NOT DRAW LIKE A SIX-YEAR OLD!!!
Zechs: Do to.
Kaori: DO NOT!!!
Zechs: Do to.
Kaori: DO NOT!!
Ruri: Baka.
Kaori and Zechs: You stay out of this!!!!!
Ruri: …
Quatre: HEY! I'm not funding this project so that you guys can act immature!
Scene 4. AKA Abrupt scene change to hide the people fixing the Fourth Wall. Exterior. Day. Non-descript dry cleaning place. – Heero is standing outside awkwardly holding the dress. Seeming to decide that standing around like an idiot isn't going to help matters, he walks in. Hilde is standing behind the counter watching a mini TV.
Heero: Excuse me…[holds up the dress] I need to have this cleaned.
Hilde: Eh? [looks up at Heero] That dress doesn't really suit you. You don't look like the spaghetti-strap type; I see you more in something off the shoulder and less form-fitting.
Heero:*twitch* It's not mine. I'm just bringing it in for someone.
Hilde: Oh. [takes the dress from him, puts it on the automated rack, and moves over to the cash register] What's the person's name?
Heero: Anne Une.
Hilde: [writing that down on a laundry ticket] Okay, here ya go. [hands it to him] Anything else?
Heero: I also came to pick this up. [hands her the laundry ticket that Quatre gave him]
Hilde: [inspects the ticket] Ah yes, what you want is in the back. Wait here for a moment. [disappears into a side door]
Heero: Hn…[drums his fingers on the counter]
Hilde: [returns with a tuxedo] Here ya go, all cleaned up. [she looks Heero directly in the eye] I even got the stain out of the handkerchief in the breast pocket. Nasty business that.
Heero: [conspiratorial look] I understand.
Hilde: Good. Shall I bill this directly to the account?
Heero: If you wouldn't mind.
Hilde: Fine then. See you again.
Heero: [nods and leaves as another person comes rushing in carrying a white dress]
Random DBZ Extra: [frantically to Hilde] You've gotta help me!! I spilled red wine all over this dress! It's not even mine! I…borrowed it from my roommate! She'll kill me if she finds out I ruined it!
Hilde: Calm down. Let's have a look at that dress and I'll see what I can do.
RDE: Oh thank you!
Scene 5. Interior. Secret Headquarters of the Evil Organization. – Relena (still in the pink cat suit) is standing in front of a mirror trying to look at her butt. Dorothy (in a regular black cat suit) is sitting in a chair, filing her nails.
Relena: Does this cat suit make me look fat?
Dorothy: No. You make you look fat.
Relena: You're so mean!!
Dorothy: Yeah well you don't get to be the top henchperson by just sitting around looking pretty. You've got to be ruthless if you're going to make it in this business.
Relena: What are you implying?
Dorothy: Absolutely nothing at all.
Zechs: (walks in, Birdman-esque mask in place) Ladies, I trust you aren't about to start one of your petty little arguments are you?
Dorothy: Of course not, Silvermask sir.
Relena: [rolls her eyes]
Zechs: Good. Now give me a status report.
Dorothy: Certainly, sir.
Relena: *cough*Ass kisser*cough*
Dorothy: [glares at Relena] As we speak, the scientists are in the process of completing the firing mechanism. Once that is complete, we can move on to Phase Two of Project…
Relena: Wait! What about the gyroscopic thermonuclear coil?
Zechs: What about it?
Relena: We still haven't been able to obtain it. The cannon will not be complete without it.
Zechs: Well that is certainly inconvenient. Dorothy, I thought you were handling that?
Dorothy: I am. I've already dispatched our agents to the military base at point Yankee November Oscar Tango 46882. We should have the coil in a week's time. In the meantime, I suggest that we begin preparations for the cannon to be launched into geo-synchronous orbit around the Earth.
Zechs: Yes, that would be prudent. We can't afford to wait. See to it, Dorothy.
Relena: [whining] What am I supposed to do??
Zechs: You can……watch the monitors and make sure that the scientists don't try anything funny.
Relena: [somewhat placated] And what if they do?
Zechs: Then feel free to do what you please to them. We have enough information to finish the cannon without their assistance.
Dorothy: Then why are we keeping them around?
Zechs: Because the script and the Villains Handbook say we have to. [there's a loud crashing noise] And there goes the Fourth Wall…..
Scene 6. Exterior. Night. Hotel Pizzicato. – Heero gets out of a taxi and a bellboy (Yoshiki Yaegashi) takes his bags. He walks inside and we get a nice shot of the swanky lobby. Several guests are milling about, talking, heading for the bar etc. Heero checks in and is shown to his room.
Yoshiki: Here you are sir, do you need anything else?
Heero: No, that will be all. Thank you. [tips him]
Yoshiki: My pleasure, sir. If you do need anything later feel free to call room service. Enjoy your stay. [leaves]
Heero: Hn. [turns on the TV, goes over to one of his suitcases and takes out the tuxedo] Now, let's see what we've got here. [takes the handkerchief out of the breast pocket and a mini CD falls out] This better not be another Rocky movie or somebody's gonna die. [places the disk inside a high-tech looking player a two inch hologram of Lady Une appears]
Holo-Une: Greetings Agent Double O 1, if you are indeed the one viewing this message. Thank you for dropping off my laundry.
Heero: THE HELL??!!!
Holo-Une: No doubt, you are very angry that I basically took advantage of the situation and made you take in my dry cleaning, but I don't care. I'm your boss and I can do what I want. I could have just given you a tuxedo when I briefed you at headquarters as well, but this movie needs to be two and a half hours long…
Kaori: [off-camera] STICK TO THE SCRIPT DAMMIT!!!!! [a holographic brick hits holographic Une]
Holo-Une: OW!!! GODDAMMMIT!!! I mean… Er….I figured that it would be much more interesting if you had to work to find them. There's a casino downstairs in the lobby and Agent Double O 3 is somewhere in the high rollers' section. Your job is to put on the tuxedo, go down into the casino, and find Double O 3 who will give you the details of this mission. Good luck. [the device shuts off]
Heero: This must be her revenge for the tarantula in her dress at the Christmas Ball.[annoyed sigh] Might as well get on with it. Who knows, I may be able to pick up some extra cash…[device unexpectedly turns back on]
Holo-Une: NO GAMBLING!!! [device shuts back off]
Heero: O_o
Scene 7. Interior. Casino – The production crew, in a daring theft and total disregard for copyright, stole footage from the movie Casino and some of the props from the casino scene in Dr. No. At any rate, Heero wanders through the crowd (dressed in the tuxedo and those ugly yellow shoes that he wore in GW) in search of Agent Double O 3. Of course, he has had some fun during the search…
Heero: [carrying a bucket of casino chips] Screw Une, I'm gonna make myself some cash…
Anzu [dealing cards at the Blackjack table]: Place your bets, ladies and gents! Place your bets! Come on you people!! How do you expect me to get paid if you won't play at my table? [suddenly spots Heero] You! Get over here and gamble!! [grabs him and shoves him in a chair]
Heero: What the…
Trowa: [walks behind Anzu and puts his hand on her shoulder] I'll take it from here.
Anzu: What!! No way! I saw him first!
Trowa: Your shifts over, get lost.
Anzu: DAMMIT!!! [storms off]
Trowa: [bemusedly watches her walk off then looks at Heero] Agent Double O 1. It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Heero: You're Double O 3?
Trowa: Precisely. [deals the cards] Here's the thing. If you want to get the mission details you're going to have to win a round of Blackjack. Up to it?
Heero: [steely eyes] Let's go. [antes up]
Scene 8. Interior. Military Base. – People in ninja suits skulk in the corridors looking for something.
Ninja #1: We've been all over this stinking place and we still haven't found the gyroscopic thermonuclear coil.
Ninja #2: Do you think we're in the right military base?
Ninja #3: Hmm… Let's ask somebody. [walk over to the security kiosk and stands behind the security guard (played by Mueller).] Excuse me, but is this the base at Yankee November Oscar Tango 46882?
Mueller: [watching TV and doesn't realize who he's talking to] No. This is the base at Yankee November Oscar Tango 36882. You're a whole continent off.
Ninjas 1 –3: CRAP!!
Mueller: [slowly turns around] But wait, why wouldn't you know… HOLY CRAP!! NINJAS!!
Ninja #2: [kills Mueller with a ninja-to]
Mueller: Not again…[dies]
Ninja #1: This is the sixth base we've been to. I told you we shouldn't have gotten directions from that dude from the mental hospital. I'm tired, what say we call it a night?
Ninjas 2&3: 'kay.
Scene 10. Interior. Casino. – Heero is glaring at Trowa who has managed to win all of Heero's chips.
Heero: You cheated.
Trowa: Duh. Didn't Une tell you not to gamble? Besides, what are you whining about? I let you win the last hand, didn't I?
Heero: That was only after you won all of my chips!
Trowa: Do you want the mission details or not?
Heero: Not particularly, but if I don't finish this job I don't get paid.
Trowa: Well, the thing is… I don't have it.
Heero: WHAT??!!!!
Trowa: Sshh!! Let me finish. I don't have it, but it's hidden nearby.
Heero: Where?
Trowa: [looks left, looks right] Now where the heck is that microfilm…
Heero: [sweatdrop]
Trowa: Oh yeah, now I remember! The microfilm with the mission details is hidden inside the out-of-order slot machine I've hidden in the boiler room.
Heero: Why must you people needlessly complicate everything?
Trowa: This is the spy business. If it weren't complicated everybody would be doing it.
Scene 11. Interior. Secret Headquarters of the Evil Organization. – Zechs is lounging in an overstuffed arm chair behind a ridiculously large desk. What appears to be a large window is behind him. Dorothy walks in followed by Relena.
Dorothy: You called for us, sir?
Zechs: Yes. Why is it taking so long to procure the gyroscopic thermonuclear coil?
Dorothy: Well sir, it appears that the previous information concerning the coil's location was incorrect, or rather, it was outdated. The coil had been moved from Yankee November Oscar Tango 46882 two weeks prior to our receiving the message from our spy network.
Zechs: I knew I shouldn't have used carrier pigeons… Whose idea was that anyway??
Relena: [blinks as Zechs and Dorothy glare at her] What?! Carrier pigeons are cute!
Zechs and Dorothy: [annoyed sigh]
Dorothy: Fortunately I was able to get some reliable correspondence by hacking into the military database.
Relena: [muttering] Showoff…Just because she got a degree in computer science…
Dorothy: [doesn't hear her] Our agents are now heading towards point Oscar Hotel Echo Lima Lima 38463.
Relena: Would you stop with the stupid codenames and tell us where and what that is?
Dorothy: [sighs, takes out a remote control and points it at the window (now revealed to be a large monitor). A map of space appears and zooms in on a colony.] The base where the coil is being kept is on Colony L3-X27933; we will be dispatching our agents as soon as conditions are favorable.
Zechs: Good. Now what about the scientists.
Relena: The last time I saw them they were checking the computer's targeting system.
Zechs: How long ago was this?
Relena: Two and a half scenes ago. [there's a cracking noise] Whoops…
Zechs: All this damage to the Fourth Wall is really going to cost us.
Dorothy: Eh, Quatre can pay for it.
The camera pans so that the three villains are to the right of the screen. We see a shadowy figure slip past the door.
A/N: Because this thing is already twelve pages long, I'm going to stop it here and continue the script in another chapter.