And now the final installment! Again this chapter picks up where the last one left off.
Scene 22. The following night. Interior. Space Battleship of The Evil Organization. – Zechs is sitting in a huge chair on the bridge with Dorothy standing to his right, and Relena sitting at a console. If you look really carefully, Relena's console is nothing more than a Simon and a Leap Pad soldered into a table. Silvermask's minions are doing stuff at their consoles.
Star Trekkin', across the universe
On the Starship Enterprise, under Captain Kirk.
Star Trekkin', across the universe,
Boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse.
Zechs: Turn that off! [music stops] What's our ETA to the colony?
Minion: Four hours, sir.
Zechs: In that case I'm going to take a nap. I don't have any lines for a while anyway. Dorothy, you have the bridge. [gets up and leaves]
Dorothy: Aye, sir. Enjoy your nap.
Relena: [crosses her arms across her chest and pouts] I still don't see why we had to move our operation to this battleship.
Dorothy: [annoyed sigh] Just go with it. Everything will make sense later when we have to do the obligatory "Villain's Exposition."
Relena: Shouldn't the Fourth Wall have cracked by now?
Dorothy: In space, nobody can hear the Fourth Wall breaking.
Relena: Oh. [pause] I have to go to the bathroom.
Dorothy: Why didn't you go before we left?!
Relena: I forgot, okay?!
Dorothy: Well you can't leave the bridge until your brother comes back.
Relena: Why not?
Dorothy: It's the rules. If you needed to go, what you should have done is excused yourself while he was still here.
Relena: Just how long am I going to have to hold it?!
Dorothy: Two scenes I think…
Relena: Fuck!!
Everyone else: O_O
Scene 23. The same night. Military Interior. Base on Colony L3-X27933. – Dorothy's agents (a couple of girls from the Saint Hebereke Jogakuin Rhythmic Gymnastic Team) are skulking around the base in their leotards and skirts. Occasionally, one of them will giggle vapidly. They slip by the guards (played by the male students of Furinkan High School) unnoticed and come upon a room guarded by Ginkan and Sora.
Girl #1 and #2: [snag Ginkan and Sora with ribbons]
Girl #3 and #4: [knock them unconscious with clubs]
They all giggle vapidly, take the security card off of Ginkan and enter the room. In the center, glowing self-importantly on a pedestal, is a metallic object. Feeling no need to be sneaky, Girl #3 snags the object with her ribbon. The alarm blares and guards rush in.
Girl #2: How predictable…
The girls get into martial arts stances and a jerky, dragon style Kung-fu fight ensues.
Scene 24. Still the same night. Interior. Space shuttle en route to Colony L3-X27933. – Duo, Heero, and Wufei are being flown there by Zelgadis.
Heero: Are we there yet?
Zelgadis: …No.
Wufei: Are we there yet?
Zelgadis: No.
Duo: Are we there yet?
Zelgadis: No!
Heero, Duo, Wufei: Are we there yet?
Zelgadis: No!
Heero, Duo, Wufei: Are we there yet?
Zelgadis: No!
Heero, Duo, Wufei: Are we there yet?
Zelgadis: No!
Heero, Duo, Wufei: Do you have any brain cells left?
Zelgadis: NO! [pause] Wait a minute…
Heero, Duo, Wufei: [snicker]
Scene 25. A little later into the night. Interior. Space Battleship of The Evil Organization. – Zechs has reappeared on the bridge looking completely refreshed (as much as you can tell with that stupid mask on anyway).
Dorothy: We're outside the colony now sir. My agents reported in an hour ago to say that they were on their way with the gyroscopic thermonuclear coil.
Zechs: Excellent. Have the scientists ready to install it once it arrives.
Dorothy: As you wish.
Relena: Can I go to the bathroom now?!
Zechs and Dorothy: -_-* …yes…
Scene 26. Interior. Space Shuttle belonging to The Evil Organization. – Duo, Heero, and Wufei have commandeered the shuttle and subdued Dorothy's agents.
Heero: How exactly did we manage to intercept the evil agents just as they entered the shuttle port. And how exactly did they get out of the military base in the first place? [the director's megaphone streaks across the screen and smacks him upside the head] Itai!
Kaori: [off-camera] WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT POINTING OUT THE PLOT HOLES??!!! JUST GO WITH IT!!
Heero: Okay, okay! No need to get violent… [clears his throat] I think I already told Q that I refuse to crossdress.
Duo: Look you, we need to get into that battleship and rescue those ugly scientists and stop Silvermask. The only way to do that is disguise ourselves as the agents who are, unfortunately, female.
Wufei: Injustice.
Duo: I don't like it any more than you do buddy, but we don't have a choice. It's in the script.
Scene switch to the docking bay of The Evil Organization's battleship. Relena and a couple hundred minions are waiting for their agents to arrive. The shuttle lands and Heero, Wufei, and Duo step out wearing the leotards and skirts, (and sporting girly hairstyles) looking completely ridiculous. Relena doesn't seem to notice the change in the agents' appearance and glares at them.
Relena: What took you so long? My brother doesn't like to be kept waiting and you've set the schedule back forty-five minutes.
Duo: [falsetto] Sorry, traffic was terrible.
Relena: Hmph. Well hurry up and take that gizmo to the lab so that we can get on with our great plans to take over the Earth and space.
Wufei: [falsetto] Yes ma'am.
Duo, Wufei, and Heero: [run off]
Relena: [watches them go] Those girls could really use a makeover…
Scene 27. Interior. Hallway in the space shuttle belonging to The Evil Organization. – The three Interpol agents walk down the hallway trying to look feminine and failing.Heero: Can we just knock out some guys and get into something less…embarrassing. Besides, this leotard is starting to ride up my butt….
Wufei: Best idea I've heard all movie.
The three slip into a room. Sounds of a scuffle ensue and a few moments later, the guys walk out dressed in The Evil Organization's uniform (which are the same uniforms that the Marimeia Army wore).
Duo: Better now?
Heero: Yes, much.
Wufei: Let's get a move on, we look suspicious just standing in the hallway.
Dorothy: [suddenly rounds the corner] You'd look suspicious no matter where you were. Haven't you lot ever heard of Facial Recognition Software? [guards are suddenly all over our heroes like white on rice and Dorothy relieves Heero of the gyroscopic thermonuclear coil] Take them to Silvermask!
Random Guard: [salutes] Ma'am!
Dorothy: [laughs like Kodachi Kuno]
Heero, Duo, Wufei: [make a big show out of struggling]
Scene 28. Interior. Ominous-looking room on the space battleship of The Evil Organization. – Our heroes are tied up and hung over an obvious trap door.
Dorothy and Relena: OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!!
Zechs: Stop that insufferable laughing. It's not that funny. [Dorothy and Relena stop impersonating Naga the Serpent] Well Agent Double O 1, you have certainly made my day. Not only have you delivered the very object I need to complete my scheme, but now I get to dispose of you. Do not worry, I shall remember you fondly…NOT!!
Wufei: Vile fiend! You shall never get away with it!
Zechs: On the contrary, Double O 5, I already have. For you see, as I speak, the scientists I kidnapped are installing the gyroscopic thermonuclear coil into my Death Cannon in which it shall serve as the main power source and stabilizer. Once the cannon is complete, I shall make my demands to Earth and the colonies: to turn over the world's supply of Coffe-Creme Oreos to me!
Duo: You monster!! Your evil plan will never succeed!
Zechs: I beg to differ Double O 2… Open the trap door!
The trap door below the boys opens up to reveal…
???: Kuri!!!
a pit full off sugar-high kuriboh????
Heero, Duo, Wufei: What in the scary hell…
Zechs: As you can see, I have acquired a ridiculous amount of kuriboh and gotten them all high on Pixi Stix; they are quite buzzed. Ever so slowly you will be lowered into the pit. I'm sure you are well aware of what happens when a kuriboh hits an object with a different biological make-up than its own…
Dorothy: Ka…boom.
Zechs: Quite right. Now I must leave you to your demise. Dorothy….
Dorothy: [nods and activates the winch] Ta ta gentlemen.
Silvermask, Dorothy, and the henchpeople leave. Our heroes struggle to free themselves from the shackles. The kuriboh find their movements to be quite amusing and jump around wildly.
Duo: I know this is the cliché ridiculously-slow-moving-James-Bondesque-Death-Trap and everything, but I have no clue how we're supposed to get out of this one alive.
Heero: I wouldn't worry about it too much. Something always pops up…
The door on the other side of the room opens revealing…
Relena: HEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'VE COME TO RESCUE YOU SO YOU CAN KILL ME!!!!!!!
Heero, Wufei, Duo: [collective sweatdrop]
Heero: [to himself] Not quite what I had in mind but it'll do I guess…[to Relena] Quick! Get us down from here. There's a lever over there that deactivates the winch.
Relena: Have no fear love, you'll be free soon!
Wufei: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
Duo: Because the director is a nut, and the producer is currently going ZERO on the costume crew.
Relena: [rushes over to the control console (which, due to the sadistic nature of the script writer, is full of nothing but levers)] Now which one of these was it again?
Heero: [as he and his comrades are getting dangerously close to the kuriboh] Hurry up and pull the lever!!!
Relena: [shrug] Here goes something. [covers her eyes with one of her hands, reaches out, and pulls a lever]
Wufei, Duo, Heero: WRONG LEVER!!!!!
Two things happen at once: The restraints the boys were in come open and they drop towards the pit. Duo and Heero manage to grab the chains, but Wufei isn't so lucky and falls into the pit.
Duo: Wufei!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!! [is blown up]
Heero: [glares at Relena]
Heero and Duo swing over the pit to land near the console; their clothes are ruined. Duo waxes melodramatic.
Duo: [sniff] Wufei… I can't believe he's gone…
Wufei: [in the smoking pit] *cough* I'm not dead.
Duo: He was so young!!!
Wufei: [climbing out of the pit] I'm not dead.
Duo: Why did he have to die like that!!! [sobs onto Heero's shoulder]
Heero: [rolls his eyes]
Wufei: I'm not dead!
Relena: If you're going to stop my brother then you'd better get a move on! He's making his demands to the Earth's governments as we speak.
Heero: [nods and tries to pry a sobbing Duo off of him] Right. Let's go.
Scene 29. Interior. Bridge of the Space Battleship of the Evil Organization. – Zechs/Silvermask is making his demands via video cast.
Zechs: Ladies and gentlemen, I currently have my Death Cannon aimed at Taiwan. Unless you agree to my demands and surrender all the world's Coffee-Crème Oreos to me, it will become the first of many smoking holes in the ground. And if you were thinking of defying me, I have already disposed of your top secret agent and his two sidekicks. [much murmuring from the world leaders assembled in the U.N. building]
Zaphod Beeblebrox [as the President of the United States of America]: We will need time to consider this.
Zechs: Fine, you have one hour before I vaporize Taiwan. [cuts the connection] Aaah, I love it when a plan comes together.
Dorothy: Silvermask sir, Relena isn't at her post.
Zechs: [annoyed sigh] I need a tracking device for that girl…
Dorothy: Shall I send some henchmen to go look for her?
Zechs: I think it would be wiser if you went to look for her yourself. Besides, its part of the rules that the right-hand man/head henchperson has to go and look for trouble when the movie is coming to an end so that all the arch villain is left with is incompetent henchpeople to guard him.
Dorothy: Ah yes, I forgot. [leaves]
Zechs: [makes himself comfortable]
Scene 30. Interior. Hallway in the Space Battleship of the….well you know. – Heero, Duo, and Wufei are running through the hallway. They are now dressed in standard Bond-esque tuxedos. Relena is trailing far behind them insisting that Heero come and kill her.
Heero: We should split up. I'll go after Silvermask.
Wufei: Okay. I'll secure us a shuttle.
Duo: Then it's up to me to rescue the scientists. [cocks gun] Heero, make sure you get revenge for what those bastards did to Wufei.
Wufei: I'm not dead!!!!
Duo: Nobody blows up our buddy and gets away with it!
Wufei: I'm not dead!!!
Heero: You did get blown up though.
Wufei: …well yeah.
Duo: Meet you in the shuttle hangar, Heero. [runs off down a corridor]
Wufei: I'd better get going too.
Heero: Good luck.
Wufei: Keep it. You need it more than I do.
Heero: [smirk]
Relena: HHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRROOOOOOOOO!!! COME BACK HERE AND KILL MEEEEEEEE!!!
Heero: All right, if you insist…. [whips out the flamethrower gun, turns around and barbecues Relena]
Relena: [smoking] …..ouch…..[drops to the floor in a charred heap]
Heero: Hn. [dashes off]
Scene 31. Interior. Corridor. – Duo is running frantically and shooting at random underlings as he goes. Eventually he comes to a door marked "la__atory." He kicks the door open.
Yamato: [on the toilet with a newspaper] HEY!!!!
Duo: Whoops!! Sorry dude! [shuts the door]
Random Underling: There he is!
Duo: Crap! [fires at them and runs down the corridor]
Scene 32. Interior. Catwalk above the bridge. – Heero is making his way across the catwalk. For no reason other than plot contrivance, he trips on a wrench. It falls due to the artificial gravity and smacks Vyers upside the head.
Vyers: Ouch! [rubs his head] Who dares to smack the Dark Adonis!!
Laharl: [off-camera] Hey, Mid-boss! That's not your line!!
Vyers: I AM NOT A MID-BOSS!!!! I AM VYERS!! THE DARK ADONIS!!!
Kaori: [off-camera] You are a mid-boss! Get over it!! [pause] And stop ad-libbing!!!! At this rate, we're going to have to buy an entirely knew Fourth Wall!!!!
While all that was going on, the other henchpeople have their guns trained on Heero.
Zechs: You're supposed to be dead!
Heero: My boss will tell you that I rarely do what I'm supposed to. [does a graceful forward flip, whips out the flamethrower gun and fries the henchmen] It's just you and me now, Silvermask.
Zehcs: You forget Double O 1 that I have the whole world as my hostage. [takes out a remote control] You move an inch from that spot and I'll vaporize everything and everyone on Earth.
Heero: Crap…then I'll never get paid. [drops his gun]
Zechs: [triumphant smirk] Good….
Scene 33. Interior. Hallway. – Duo has located the scientists and is in the process of leading them to the shuttle bay.
Duo: Can't you run any faster?
Instructor H: Oh my bunions… My corns…
Doctor J: Ha! Old fart!
Professor G: Look who's talking.
Doktor S: Has anybody seen my arthritis medication?
Duo: Why me…
Dorothy: If you like, I can take them off of your hands….permanently.
gunshot.
Master O falls down dead.
Duo: You skank!! [shoots the gun out of Dorothy's hand]
Dorothy: Agh!!! You'll pay for that you piece of shit!!
Duo: Yo mama!!!
J, G, H, and S: Oooooooooh!
Carrot Glace: [comes down from the ceiling from a rope] Ladies and gentlemen, and it's time for The Dirty Dozens!!!
A boxing ring appears out of nowhere. Carrot stands in the center with Dorothy on his left and Duo on his right.
Carrot: I want a nice dirty fight. No physical blows. "Yo mama" insults only. Now shake hands and come out dissin'!
Dorothy and Duo shake hands, Doktor S rings a bell.
Scene 34. Interior. Bridge. – Zechs and Heero are staring each other down. Heero has his hands behind his head and Zechs is still holding the remote that controls the Death Cannon.
Zechs: How does it feel, Agent Double O 1? [slowly walks over to where Heero is standing] How does it feel to know that you are helpless to stop me? That all your efforts were for naught and that you will forever more be reduced to eating wanna-be Oreo products?
Heero: [glares at Zechs who is no standing right in front of him] I thought you only wanted the Coffee-Crème Oreos.
Zechs: Of course I do. But why just stop at that? Today, the Coffee-Crème Oreos; tomorrow, the Double Stuf. Soon, I shall be the sole consumer of all Nabisco products! [laughs evilly]
Heero takes this opportunity to grab the remote control from Zechs and smash it under his foot.
Zechs: You insolent whelp!!! [punches him]
Heero: [dodges and counters with a kick]
Zechs: [blocks the kick with his free hand]
The two glare heatedly at each other. Suddenly there's an explosion and the floor shakes.
Wufei: [runs in the door] YUY!! Why are you in here playing around! Arrest Silvermask and let's get out of here! Maxwell and those damned scientists blew up the power generator and this whole battleship is going to go up in flames in five minutes!!
Silvermask: Arrest me? I think not! [runs towards a console and taps at a few keys. A man-sized capsule rises from the floor] You may have stopped me this time Agent Double O 1 but you will never take me alive!!! [gets inside the capsule and disappears into the floor]
Heero: Damn. There goes my bonus…
Wufei: Worry about your paycheck size later. Time to leave!
Scene 35. Interior. Shuttle Bay. – Duo is herding the scientists into the space shuttle as Heero and Duo come running in.
Duo: What the hell took you so long Yu….WUFEI YOU'RE ALIVE!!! [glomps Wufei]
Wufei: [Death Glare] Can we leave now?
Heero: Hai. Ninmu kanryou. [All three board the shuttle]
Scene switch to the interior of the shuttle.
J: Are we there yet?
Heero: No.
G: Are we there yet?
Duo: No.
H: Are we there yet?
Wufei: No.
S: Are we there yet?
Heero, Duo, and Wufei: No!
J, G, S, and H: Are we there yet?
Heero, Duo, and Wufei: NO!
Camera slowly pans out of a porthole to show the shuttle flying towards Earth. Off to the right, we see Dorothy and Relena in spcesuits bickering amongst themselves.
Ending credits. – Kaori is standing in the middle of a stage dressed in black khakis, black boots, a white tank top, black leather gloves, and a black cap. She holds a microphone in her left hand.
Kaori: [looks left, looks right] All right… Let's rock!!!!
The lights come up on the stage to reveal Wufei on drums, Quatre and his violin, Trowa on bass, Heero on electric guitar, and Duo standing next to Kaori with a microphone in his hand. The guys are dressed similarly to Kaori (with the exception that Trowa and Wufei are missing their shirts, Duo only has one glove on, and Heero is wearing a bandanna instead of a hat). Kaori goes to the left side of the stage and the music starts and the ending credits roll over the screen (which pretty much look like the opening credits).
Duo: Bending the circle of the aluminum can square
I'm waiting for you at the street corner
Although the liquid inside is too warm to drink
I'm obliged to hold it
Kaori: [dances]
Duo: Remembering the melody of sorrowful city
I found a piece of puzzles
When the signal turned blue and people start to move
I take only a few steps and stand still as usual
A puppet in the glass case
Which reflects me in the darkness
Keeps staring at me with his angry face
Instrumental break. Relena suddenly appears on stage and starts chasing Heero around for the rest of the song; which is made even more funny by the fact that Heero is still playing his guitar while he runs.
Duo: [trying not to laugh] A paper cup of coffee that I drank up
And the sound of people kicking the ground
Make a ballad song
[looks at Quatre] You know what I mean?
Quatre: [shakes his head "no"]
Duo: I'm alone in the night
But I don't feel sad
'cos the ending's still far away
I'm just a little tired
The whistle I give is the bright noise
That dedicated to the people around the world
Can you hear this melody that no one knows?
It's over
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me! (1)
[fade to black]
All breakage to the Fourth Wall will be paid for by the movie producer.
Quatre: [pops up] WHAT?!!! KAORI!!!!!!! YOU LITTLE…..
1) Ending song, Yami no Matsuei. This is the English translation of course.