Disclaimer: Stephanies. HP is J.K. Rowling's.
Requiems
//In the heart a burning fire
That will now light the pyre
Requiem of Desire//
Remus Lupin mourned the death of Sirius Black. Now he was the last Marauder and didn't know how to cope with losing Sirius twice. He tried to handle it in his normal ways. Exclude himself from everyone, and not talk. But there was still this gaping emptiness inside. His friend, his lover... gone. He won't wake up in the morning and find him there, beside him. He won't hear his terrible singing in the shower. He won't ever feel Sirius's heart beat next to his. Because he was dead.
Padfoot was dead.
Remus didn't want to believe it. It couldn't be possible. But it was. Because everyday, he searched for Sirius, anywhere and every where and found him no where. The week after his lover had died he had believed that it was just some prank and it hadn't happened. He'd come back if Remus wished hard enough. If he searched long enough. If he cried enough tears. But now his voice was hoarse from wishing, he had searched everywhere and didn't have any more tears left to cry.
Accepting his mate's death had been the hardest thing in the world for Remus to do. It was like every full moon, the Potters' deaths, being abandon by his parents and Sirius being sent to Azkaban all rolled into one. It was the worst thing he had ever suffered. And nothing helped. He couldn't ignore the emptiness. Couldn't ignore the longing. He couldn't ignore the constant memories. He couldn't stop the dreams. He couldn't stop the visions.
He walked down the hallway, a month later, of number 12 Grimmauld place. Sirius had been standing there. For a moment his heart skipped a beat and then he disappeared. Remus tried his best to ignore them now. But that was hard too. Dreamless Sleep potions didn't block out his dreams either. But he wasn't entirely sure that he wanted it too. He just wanted to sleep and never wake up. And be with Sirius.
He couldn't extingiush his love though. He tried and tried. He even went to Romania to see a Healer, experted in his type of case. But he stilled loved him. He still pressed the cold metal of the Black ring to his lips and entered Sirius's room just to smell that scent again. He always smelled spicy and sweet. Remus missed that scent. When he would breath it in, it gave him a hopeful and comforting feeling. He was never alone. But now he was. The smell of cinnamon and sweat was faint. Far away. It brought no comfort at all.
He would stand in the pouring rain and remember when they were sixteen and when Sirius ran away. He came to Remus's house. And out on the porch they watched the rain all night. Sirius had seemed mad that night. It was nearly midnight and Remus had heard howling outside his window and someone was throwing rocks at it. He was surprised to see Sirius, his best friend and the one he had had loved forever, causing all the bloody racket. But it was a pleasant surprise.
Now all Remus had were those memories. He could look into the sky and see the Dogstar. He would feel warmed by its light. But it didn't revive the part of him that had died. Only Sirius Black, in the flesh, alive could do that. The day he was sent to Azkaban seemed like a dream compared to this. Remus didn't want to go on. And he couldn't be around Harry. It hurt too much. But he knew Harry was going through pain, too but he couldn't understand Remus's. Remus had known him longer... loved him longer. Not that Harry's pain didn't matter. Because it did. It was just... Remus didn't want to think that anyone could even possibly understand what he was going through. Maybe he was being selfish. But he didn't care. He missed Sirius too much to care.
//Old and worn, a tattered soul
Inside, a gaping hole
Reqiuem of Being Whole//
Remus dragged his feet through Hogwarts, late one night. He had taken the DADA job again, to rid his mind of memories. To stop his feeling of lonliness. His insides were twisted up, painfully. The full moon was tomorrow night and he was left to face it alone, once again. He had hated the last four full moons. Sirius was gone and yet... it was like he lingered near him. Driving him insane, always being just beyond reach. Remus thought that this was just his emptiness trying to fill the void. His mind trying to create Sirius and convince him that he wasn't dead.
But Remus knew he had to move on. To let go of his heart. To go back to the indifference he had felt when he had first lost Sirius to the Dementors. But getting him back was what killed him. It's better not to have something for a brief time and then to take it away again, so suddenly. Remus felt alone and empty. Hollow. He was even more dead than James and Lily, Sirius even. He had to carry on and live with the pain of being the only Marauder loyal to the cause of Good alive. He thought death would be the better option.
His pack mates, the stag and the dog, were waiting for him somewhere, he hoped. And he couldn't end it himself, not until war was over. He had a duty to fulfill and maybe if he played his cards right, it would fill up the hole. Maybe he could forget until the time came which he would see Sirius again. Then again, maybe not. He walked through numerous corridors. Insomnia had plagued him for nearly twenty years now. But tonight, the corridors of the school brought no comfort.
The next night, he didn't take the Wolf's Bane Potion. It made his senses more human like. And he had realised that while human he had emotions he couldn't handle. So he just went down to the Shrieking Shack. The wolf didn't have those emotions. The wolf didn't have a gaping whole inside. The wolf didn't feel guilt. Remus did. Who knew that in the shy, studious boy there was a monster. In the patient, kind intellectual that there was something capable of killing without guilt. Remus could never hurt anyone, but the wolf could.
This time the wolf didn't feel Padfoot. His senses were lupine, not human. The human had the longing. Remus half-howled, half-cried as his body went rigid. He could feel his spine twisting. His face became longer and fur began to grow every where. His eyes gleamed yellow. Wolf eyes. He walked a little, or rather paced, for a few seconds. The transformation was complete. And now he wanted blood.
He looked desperatly for something to chew, to rip. KILL KILL KILL! He tore the already ragged couch to nothing. And when that brought him no satisfaction he suck his teeth into his leg. He howled in pain but it brought him blood. The wolf wanted more. He lifted a huge paw and let the overgrown wolf claws sink into him. Blood seeped from his fur. But the only thought on the wolf's mind was the bloodlust and he needed more. MORE!
Dawn crept up in the sky. The wolf looked to the East and slowly his lupine features became more human. Once again his body went rigid and he trembled. He lay on the floor, shaking and his arms grew shorter. His legs grew longer. Flecks of amber appeared in his eyes and the pupils became rounder. Premature gray began to streak his hair and it grew out. His fur grew inward, waiting until next full moon. It revealed numerous bloody gashes and bites. Remus lay on the dusty floor. Being the wolf brought him temporary peace and now he was human and the emotions came down on him in a whirlwind.
The empty feeling wouldn't go away. Padfoot was gone. Forever. He fell behind the veil into... into who-knows-what. And if he survived, he would have come back by now. Five whole months. He wouldn't keep Remus waiting that long. It wasn't his nature. He would have come directly to his lover. So, Remus concluded that Sirius was actually gone.
Anyway, Remus wouldn't feel like you could tap on his on his body and get an echo if Sirius was alive. He was so hollow...
//Playing a never ending charade
Cowering down, preparing to fade
Requiem of a Masquerade//
But Remus couldn't let his feelings get out. He had to hide them and pretend to be strong. Not just for his sake but for Harry's. For everyone else who knew and loved Sirius. He couldn't fall apart. Not patient, I-Can-Handle-Anything Remus Lupin. It was out of character. He had been so calm at the Potters' funeral. And Peter's. And when he read about Sirius being arrested. Inside, he was shattering.
He had spent his nights crying for his lost friends. He had thought he should have known that Sirius was the spy. He had had suspicions but he would never voice them. He loved him too much. When they lived together, his mate would be gone for a several hours a night. He had at first thougth he was having an affair. But Sirius was far too tender and loving towards Remus to do that. No, Remus thought he was working for Voldemort.
He had even gone to Lily and James. Told them his suspicions when they made Sirius their Secret Keeper. James laughed it off. "It can't be Sirius." he said. Remus wasn't convinced, however. And on that dreadful night, Remus had been in wolf form and had no idea what happened until after. Sirius had killed Peter and the Potters. But Harry Potter lived. Harry had defeated Voldemort. Or so the rumours said.
Remus thought that James had been wrong to not make him their Secret Keeper. Or Peter. They weren't dark. And now they were dead.
The Potters' funeral was horrible for Remus. They waited a month to hold it. And the full moon had passed only the previous night. Remus was weak and unhappy but outwardly he remained calm. He wouldn't cry in front of everyone. He had to be strong. He couldn't break. And then, the next day, they held Peter's funeral. Everyone put a something small in the coffin as the only part found was his finger. His finger! Sirius had blown his friend to bits! And then laughed, insanely. Remus had tried so desperatly to pick up the peices of his life afterwards. But it was all to no avail.
He found it harder to get jobs. The damn Head of the Anti-Werewolf Commitee--what was the name? Umbridge?--had passed a law so it was that way. So Remus found jobs with the Muggles. But every month he quit. He was so tired of it all by the end of twelve years that he happily accepted the job as the DADA teacher at Hogwarts. It was his duty to watch Harry now anyway. For Lily and James.
And then, at the end of the year... there was Sirius. His lover, his mate. And he was innocent. Remus would have cried tears of joy and of all the emotions he had felt over the past twelve years and kissed him. But there were children present. So all he did was hug him. Sirius had been terribly thin and his face reflected the hollowness that Remus had felt. That night, he had nearly lost Sirius again, forever. But against all odds, he had escaped. It had only been a few weeks before he saw him.
He had been warm on the sand with him. And they even drank sweet wines out of coconuts. That seemed so far away now. So many years ago. And it wasn't all that many. But Sirius had left to be with Harry. And Remus had left for an Order mission. But at the beginning of summer Padfoot had shown up on his doorstep. They had went to Grimmauld Place, to clean a little. He had pryed deeper into Sirius during that time. Azkaban had taken much of the laughter from his eyes. The happiness from his voice. But now, just as Sirius began to open up and become his old self, the Sirius they all knew and loved, he was killed. Remus was heart broken. He just wanted to let every thing out and get it over with. He was sick of this charade.
//A person left alone to mope
Finding it hard to cope
Requiem of Hope//
Remus was the abosulte last of the Marauders. He was more alone than anyone could ever know. Sirius would have understood. Sirius spent twelve years without human contact in a place that many highly respected and bravest wizards feared. His aloneness had been worse than Remus's. There was no doubt he would have understood. But Remus would never have told him. He wouldn't add to his already heavy burden.
He walked the corridors again, as he had taken to doing, of late. He sighed and entered the Library. Books could give him at least a small comfort. They always could. Studying eased his mind. Reading took him to another place. A place where good always prevailed over evil. If only the real world were that way. Where beautiful people suffer so much pain. So much unjustice. So much cruelty.
This world was ridiculus.
But tonight, reading brought Remus no comfort. He went through book after book, finding that he couldn't get into them. He put them down and lost interest, quickly. After several hours of this nonsense, he finally abandoned the Library. His feet took him to the Astronmy Tower. He walked up the many stairs, rather wearily. His candle was burning low and when he reached the top of the Tower the wind blew it out completely. He was alone, in the dark, on the highest point of the castle.
He wanted to feel the flicker of hope again. He had lost faith in everything, so long ago. There was no god, there was no fate. There was here and now. There was pain. There was hunger. There was suicide. There was evil. And so currupted was this world that it had caused him to stop believing. It had robbed him of everything. The only thing that he had had faith in was in Sirius and their love. He pulled a telescope out of its case and set it up.
He couldn't see the Dogstar very well this night. It was cloudy. He couldn't find any sort of small comfort that night. And then the hair on the back of his neck prickled. Someone was with him. Someone, at two fifty six in the morning, was in the Astronmy Tower. And it wasn't a student. It was an adult. His keen senses, so lupine at this time of the month, smelled something... Something different. But he knew the scent. He could vaguely recall it, from somewhere, sometime long ago.
He could feel eyes watching him. And strangely there *was* comfort in that gaze. Remus didn't move for fear this momentary comfort would be taken away. The stranger moved, soundlessly, even to Remus's sharpened hearing, away. Who had that been? Why did it bring him peace? When that someone had left, he felt even more hollow. He thought he could never feel even more hollow than he did before that night. But now... who the hell was that?
Remus left the Tower and swiftly walked to his own chambers. He was troubled. And he thought that a strong sleeping draught could give him rest at least for a few hours. He gulped down two goblets before crawling under the covers. It had been a long night. And he couldn't stop thinking about who that had been. And now he was sure that he would never have a glimmer of hope again. It had all gone away with those eyes...
//Loyalty until the end
With others now the heart will mend
Requiem of a Friend//
Remus awoke, startled. He knew who that person was. He knew where he had smelled him before. A long time ago... when he had been a student at Hogwarts. It was so strange to find comfort in that gaze. That gaze that had long been one of hatred. The strong scent of wrath and loathing had not been present last night though. In fact, it was admiration. How strange. Remus was confused. He knew peace in the gaze of Severus Snape.
He jogged down the corridor. It was late afternoon and everyone was in the Great Hall, as it was Saturday and they always had late lunches on Saturday. He opened the doors, just on time and took his seat. He looked up and directly across from him was Snape. He shifted his eyes when Remus looked at him. And what Remus saw was such pain that it made him cringe. He didn't take his eyes away from the blackhaired man though. And when he left the Hall, he heard foot steps running after him.
It was Severus.
"Wait." he called in a silky voice. It had a hesitation to it though. And it sounded tortured, underneath it all.
"Yes?" Remus replied, sounding falsely pleasant, comfort sweeping over him as he met the other man's eyes. And Severus Snape wasted no time when he reached him. He grabbed the werewolf and drug him into a corner and kissed him. He let his tongue slide over Remus's soft lips and everwhere in his mouth. He pulled away and Remus gasped for breath. He was shocked and elated at the same time. When Severus began to mumble and apology, Remus put a finger to his lips and kissed him.
It felt good to have a friend. And Remus could feel his wounds beginning to heal. He spoke about them queitly with Severus, as he did with him. Both men needed someone to love and someone to love them. Together, they mended. Together, they cried. Together, they loved. Together, they laughed. Together, they lived. Together. Sirius would have understood. And probably would have done the same. But Remus would never stop loving him. As much as he did love Severus, Sirius was his soul mate. And he wouldn't deny him love and a friend.
Remus spent long nights in Severus's chambers, sharing long, drowsy, and lazy kisses with him. He was alive again. And it felt good to be alive. It felt good to be in his arms and in his gaze. Eventually, the two of them got a shared chamber inside the castle. And slowly, Severus's voice held pleasant and happy tones. Remus stopped moping and rifting into painful memories all the time. And no one could deny that both had changed, for the better.
One night, only two years after Sirius had died, Remus had almost lost Severus and Harry both to Voldemort. The battle had been long and hard and grueling. He had nearly lost his life as well. A month or so after, Severus had told him that he had killed his ex-lover, Lucius Malfoy. It had brought him much pain and he had cried in the other man's arms. Remus was glad that he felt safe enough with him to shed tears. It was such an intimate thing. And everyone knew that Severus Snape didn't cry.
Yes, Remus thought, It's good for both of us to have a friend.
//In the sky, a flying white dove
On the chair, one missing glove
Requiem of Love//
When Harry was thirty-five he and Remus went to visit the grave of Sirius on the aniversy of his death. They visited the Potters' graves as well. Harry brought his family and Remus brought Severus. So many years had passed since those terrible days of loss when Voldemort had been in power. After a while, everyone left Remus alone. Severus didn't want to but Remus asked to be alone. Reluctantly he agreed.
Remus traced the letters on the headstone. His name, his birth and death date, and other trivial things. And then the memeory of the night he lost Sirius played in his mind.
~Flashback~Sirius ducked Bellatrix's jet of red light. He laughed at her and said, "Come on, you can do better than that!" His voice echoed and time seemed stop as the second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest. Remus saw that the laughter had not quite died form his face but his eys widened in shock. Remus stopped moving. The only sound was his heart thudding in his chest. It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the archway...
He had seen the look of shock and fear on his lover's face. But as he fell he looked directly at Remus and then at Harry, as if to say goodbye. Remus heard Trixie's (as Sirius had "affectionatly" referred to her) triumphant scream and saw Harry lunge for the veil and scream, "SIRIUS! SIRIUS!" Remus ran after him and grabbed him around the chest. His heart was breaking but he couldn't lose Harry. He couldn't let Harry do it. "There's nothing you can do, Harry--" he said, his voice not sounding the least bit convincing because he wanted to do exactly what Harry had wanted.
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!" The boy exclaimed, struggling against Remus, but he held on tight.
"It's too late, Harry--"
"We can still reach him--" Harry was trying to get away so hard. He was viciously kicked and flailing his arms but Remus would not let go.
"There;s nothing you can do, Harry...nothing... He's gone." Remus felt his stomach drop out as he declared it. He hadn't believed his words, why would Harry?
"He hasn't gone!" the boy screamed. "SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"
"He can't come back, Harry!" Remus had said, his voice was breaking and he felt like he was going to die, but he had to hang on to Harry, who just may get out of his grip, soon. "He can't come back, because he's d--" He was glad that Harry had cut him off. He wasn't ready to speak the words but he knew he would have to. For Harry.
"HE--IS--NOT--DEAD! SIRIUS!" Harry roared. Remus began to drag Harry away dais. The boy wasn't struggling now. Remus felt his heart plunge again as he knew the boy was coming into realization. But Remus kept a grip, not too strong, on his arm, nevertheless. He saw him talking to Neville, a dazed look in his eyes.
"Here." Remus said quietly, pointing his wand at Neville's legs, "Finite. Let's--let's find the others. Where are they all, Neville?" he couldn't break now. Let him stay strong. For the sake of the children. Remus turned away from the archway as he spoke. Every single word felt like a sharp knife cutting him open. As Neville answered there was a loud bang from the dais. And Harry lept out of Remus's grip. "Harry--no!" he cried. But it was no use. He had to help the others now. But all he realy wanted to do was fling himself after Sirius, behind the veil.~End Flashback~
Remus sat in the grass. His eyes were filled with tears. But soon he would join Sirius and James. He removed his ring, one his father had bought him, ironically it was a wolf, and dug up a little bit of earth and put the ring there. A token of his love, for Sirius.
//On the heart, another scar
Songs played softly on a guitar
Requiem of a Star//
Severus had passed away, not too long ago. Two years, roughly. His hair, once black, had been completely white, as Remus's had been and was now. He walked with a cane and used glasses to see. Without them he was well, what was the Muggle term? Blind as a bat? Yes, he would laugh when he said it, he was blind as a bat. The day was fading and dusk was falling. Twlight (and early morning) were Remus's favourite times of day. He walked, slowly but quickly for an old man nearing one hundred years old. It was the aniversery of Sirius's death.
He turned into the cemetary. The spot where the Potters and their friend was buried was beautiful. He was sure that they would have loved to know that they were buried here. Well, Sirius wasn't technically but it's all the same when you're ninety-nine years old. Remus carried three flowers. The first one was a white rose. It was for James. The second was a pink rose. It was for Lily. And the third rose was as red as blood and was for his love, Sirius.
Remus layed them gently against the graves and sighed. He felt content here. Almost as if his friends were with him. The wind blew gently through the trees. Remus brushed off some of the plants that had decided to grow over the headstones since he was last here. Somewhere, probably down the street (there was a music shell), he heard soft gentle sound of a guitar. It was beautiful. There were no words but Remus knew the song, well. It was called (Everything I Do) I Do It For You. It was a Muggle song.
He sighed and layed down in the grass and looked to the sky. It was dark now and the stars were out. Sirius, the Dogstar, shined overhead. And Remus Lupin passed away with a smile of happiness and contentment on his face. His soul, stepped out. He looked young again, in his prime. He smiled as he saw Sirius. He had his back to him but Remus cleared his throat and Sirius looked up and grinned. He grabbed him and kissed him. Then James and Lily came and grinned.
"Welcome back, Moony." Sirius said and the four of them disappeared.
~The End~
Requiems
//In the heart a burning fire
That will now light the pyre
Requiem of Desire//
Remus Lupin mourned the death of Sirius Black. Now he was the last Marauder and didn't know how to cope with losing Sirius twice. He tried to handle it in his normal ways. Exclude himself from everyone, and not talk. But there was still this gaping emptiness inside. His friend, his lover... gone. He won't wake up in the morning and find him there, beside him. He won't hear his terrible singing in the shower. He won't ever feel Sirius's heart beat next to his. Because he was dead.
Padfoot was dead.
Remus didn't want to believe it. It couldn't be possible. But it was. Because everyday, he searched for Sirius, anywhere and every where and found him no where. The week after his lover had died he had believed that it was just some prank and it hadn't happened. He'd come back if Remus wished hard enough. If he searched long enough. If he cried enough tears. But now his voice was hoarse from wishing, he had searched everywhere and didn't have any more tears left to cry.
Accepting his mate's death had been the hardest thing in the world for Remus to do. It was like every full moon, the Potters' deaths, being abandon by his parents and Sirius being sent to Azkaban all rolled into one. It was the worst thing he had ever suffered. And nothing helped. He couldn't ignore the emptiness. Couldn't ignore the longing. He couldn't ignore the constant memories. He couldn't stop the dreams. He couldn't stop the visions.
He walked down the hallway, a month later, of number 12 Grimmauld place. Sirius had been standing there. For a moment his heart skipped a beat and then he disappeared. Remus tried his best to ignore them now. But that was hard too. Dreamless Sleep potions didn't block out his dreams either. But he wasn't entirely sure that he wanted it too. He just wanted to sleep and never wake up. And be with Sirius.
He couldn't extingiush his love though. He tried and tried. He even went to Romania to see a Healer, experted in his type of case. But he stilled loved him. He still pressed the cold metal of the Black ring to his lips and entered Sirius's room just to smell that scent again. He always smelled spicy and sweet. Remus missed that scent. When he would breath it in, it gave him a hopeful and comforting feeling. He was never alone. But now he was. The smell of cinnamon and sweat was faint. Far away. It brought no comfort at all.
He would stand in the pouring rain and remember when they were sixteen and when Sirius ran away. He came to Remus's house. And out on the porch they watched the rain all night. Sirius had seemed mad that night. It was nearly midnight and Remus had heard howling outside his window and someone was throwing rocks at it. He was surprised to see Sirius, his best friend and the one he had had loved forever, causing all the bloody racket. But it was a pleasant surprise.
Now all Remus had were those memories. He could look into the sky and see the Dogstar. He would feel warmed by its light. But it didn't revive the part of him that had died. Only Sirius Black, in the flesh, alive could do that. The day he was sent to Azkaban seemed like a dream compared to this. Remus didn't want to go on. And he couldn't be around Harry. It hurt too much. But he knew Harry was going through pain, too but he couldn't understand Remus's. Remus had known him longer... loved him longer. Not that Harry's pain didn't matter. Because it did. It was just... Remus didn't want to think that anyone could even possibly understand what he was going through. Maybe he was being selfish. But he didn't care. He missed Sirius too much to care.
//Old and worn, a tattered soul
Inside, a gaping hole
Reqiuem of Being Whole//
Remus dragged his feet through Hogwarts, late one night. He had taken the DADA job again, to rid his mind of memories. To stop his feeling of lonliness. His insides were twisted up, painfully. The full moon was tomorrow night and he was left to face it alone, once again. He had hated the last four full moons. Sirius was gone and yet... it was like he lingered near him. Driving him insane, always being just beyond reach. Remus thought that this was just his emptiness trying to fill the void. His mind trying to create Sirius and convince him that he wasn't dead.
But Remus knew he had to move on. To let go of his heart. To go back to the indifference he had felt when he had first lost Sirius to the Dementors. But getting him back was what killed him. It's better not to have something for a brief time and then to take it away again, so suddenly. Remus felt alone and empty. Hollow. He was even more dead than James and Lily, Sirius even. He had to carry on and live with the pain of being the only Marauder loyal to the cause of Good alive. He thought death would be the better option.
His pack mates, the stag and the dog, were waiting for him somewhere, he hoped. And he couldn't end it himself, not until war was over. He had a duty to fulfill and maybe if he played his cards right, it would fill up the hole. Maybe he could forget until the time came which he would see Sirius again. Then again, maybe not. He walked through numerous corridors. Insomnia had plagued him for nearly twenty years now. But tonight, the corridors of the school brought no comfort.
The next night, he didn't take the Wolf's Bane Potion. It made his senses more human like. And he had realised that while human he had emotions he couldn't handle. So he just went down to the Shrieking Shack. The wolf didn't have those emotions. The wolf didn't have a gaping whole inside. The wolf didn't feel guilt. Remus did. Who knew that in the shy, studious boy there was a monster. In the patient, kind intellectual that there was something capable of killing without guilt. Remus could never hurt anyone, but the wolf could.
This time the wolf didn't feel Padfoot. His senses were lupine, not human. The human had the longing. Remus half-howled, half-cried as his body went rigid. He could feel his spine twisting. His face became longer and fur began to grow every where. His eyes gleamed yellow. Wolf eyes. He walked a little, or rather paced, for a few seconds. The transformation was complete. And now he wanted blood.
He looked desperatly for something to chew, to rip. KILL KILL KILL! He tore the already ragged couch to nothing. And when that brought him no satisfaction he suck his teeth into his leg. He howled in pain but it brought him blood. The wolf wanted more. He lifted a huge paw and let the overgrown wolf claws sink into him. Blood seeped from his fur. But the only thought on the wolf's mind was the bloodlust and he needed more. MORE!
Dawn crept up in the sky. The wolf looked to the East and slowly his lupine features became more human. Once again his body went rigid and he trembled. He lay on the floor, shaking and his arms grew shorter. His legs grew longer. Flecks of amber appeared in his eyes and the pupils became rounder. Premature gray began to streak his hair and it grew out. His fur grew inward, waiting until next full moon. It revealed numerous bloody gashes and bites. Remus lay on the dusty floor. Being the wolf brought him temporary peace and now he was human and the emotions came down on him in a whirlwind.
The empty feeling wouldn't go away. Padfoot was gone. Forever. He fell behind the veil into... into who-knows-what. And if he survived, he would have come back by now. Five whole months. He wouldn't keep Remus waiting that long. It wasn't his nature. He would have come directly to his lover. So, Remus concluded that Sirius was actually gone.
Anyway, Remus wouldn't feel like you could tap on his on his body and get an echo if Sirius was alive. He was so hollow...
//Playing a never ending charade
Cowering down, preparing to fade
Requiem of a Masquerade//
But Remus couldn't let his feelings get out. He had to hide them and pretend to be strong. Not just for his sake but for Harry's. For everyone else who knew and loved Sirius. He couldn't fall apart. Not patient, I-Can-Handle-Anything Remus Lupin. It was out of character. He had been so calm at the Potters' funeral. And Peter's. And when he read about Sirius being arrested. Inside, he was shattering.
He had spent his nights crying for his lost friends. He had thought he should have known that Sirius was the spy. He had had suspicions but he would never voice them. He loved him too much. When they lived together, his mate would be gone for a several hours a night. He had at first thougth he was having an affair. But Sirius was far too tender and loving towards Remus to do that. No, Remus thought he was working for Voldemort.
He had even gone to Lily and James. Told them his suspicions when they made Sirius their Secret Keeper. James laughed it off. "It can't be Sirius." he said. Remus wasn't convinced, however. And on that dreadful night, Remus had been in wolf form and had no idea what happened until after. Sirius had killed Peter and the Potters. But Harry Potter lived. Harry had defeated Voldemort. Or so the rumours said.
Remus thought that James had been wrong to not make him their Secret Keeper. Or Peter. They weren't dark. And now they were dead.
The Potters' funeral was horrible for Remus. They waited a month to hold it. And the full moon had passed only the previous night. Remus was weak and unhappy but outwardly he remained calm. He wouldn't cry in front of everyone. He had to be strong. He couldn't break. And then, the next day, they held Peter's funeral. Everyone put a something small in the coffin as the only part found was his finger. His finger! Sirius had blown his friend to bits! And then laughed, insanely. Remus had tried so desperatly to pick up the peices of his life afterwards. But it was all to no avail.
He found it harder to get jobs. The damn Head of the Anti-Werewolf Commitee--what was the name? Umbridge?--had passed a law so it was that way. So Remus found jobs with the Muggles. But every month he quit. He was so tired of it all by the end of twelve years that he happily accepted the job as the DADA teacher at Hogwarts. It was his duty to watch Harry now anyway. For Lily and James.
And then, at the end of the year... there was Sirius. His lover, his mate. And he was innocent. Remus would have cried tears of joy and of all the emotions he had felt over the past twelve years and kissed him. But there were children present. So all he did was hug him. Sirius had been terribly thin and his face reflected the hollowness that Remus had felt. That night, he had nearly lost Sirius again, forever. But against all odds, he had escaped. It had only been a few weeks before he saw him.
He had been warm on the sand with him. And they even drank sweet wines out of coconuts. That seemed so far away now. So many years ago. And it wasn't all that many. But Sirius had left to be with Harry. And Remus had left for an Order mission. But at the beginning of summer Padfoot had shown up on his doorstep. They had went to Grimmauld Place, to clean a little. He had pryed deeper into Sirius during that time. Azkaban had taken much of the laughter from his eyes. The happiness from his voice. But now, just as Sirius began to open up and become his old self, the Sirius they all knew and loved, he was killed. Remus was heart broken. He just wanted to let every thing out and get it over with. He was sick of this charade.
//A person left alone to mope
Finding it hard to cope
Requiem of Hope//
Remus was the abosulte last of the Marauders. He was more alone than anyone could ever know. Sirius would have understood. Sirius spent twelve years without human contact in a place that many highly respected and bravest wizards feared. His aloneness had been worse than Remus's. There was no doubt he would have understood. But Remus would never have told him. He wouldn't add to his already heavy burden.
He walked the corridors again, as he had taken to doing, of late. He sighed and entered the Library. Books could give him at least a small comfort. They always could. Studying eased his mind. Reading took him to another place. A place where good always prevailed over evil. If only the real world were that way. Where beautiful people suffer so much pain. So much unjustice. So much cruelty.
This world was ridiculus.
But tonight, reading brought Remus no comfort. He went through book after book, finding that he couldn't get into them. He put them down and lost interest, quickly. After several hours of this nonsense, he finally abandoned the Library. His feet took him to the Astronmy Tower. He walked up the many stairs, rather wearily. His candle was burning low and when he reached the top of the Tower the wind blew it out completely. He was alone, in the dark, on the highest point of the castle.
He wanted to feel the flicker of hope again. He had lost faith in everything, so long ago. There was no god, there was no fate. There was here and now. There was pain. There was hunger. There was suicide. There was evil. And so currupted was this world that it had caused him to stop believing. It had robbed him of everything. The only thing that he had had faith in was in Sirius and their love. He pulled a telescope out of its case and set it up.
He couldn't see the Dogstar very well this night. It was cloudy. He couldn't find any sort of small comfort that night. And then the hair on the back of his neck prickled. Someone was with him. Someone, at two fifty six in the morning, was in the Astronmy Tower. And it wasn't a student. It was an adult. His keen senses, so lupine at this time of the month, smelled something... Something different. But he knew the scent. He could vaguely recall it, from somewhere, sometime long ago.
He could feel eyes watching him. And strangely there *was* comfort in that gaze. Remus didn't move for fear this momentary comfort would be taken away. The stranger moved, soundlessly, even to Remus's sharpened hearing, away. Who had that been? Why did it bring him peace? When that someone had left, he felt even more hollow. He thought he could never feel even more hollow than he did before that night. But now... who the hell was that?
Remus left the Tower and swiftly walked to his own chambers. He was troubled. And he thought that a strong sleeping draught could give him rest at least for a few hours. He gulped down two goblets before crawling under the covers. It had been a long night. And he couldn't stop thinking about who that had been. And now he was sure that he would never have a glimmer of hope again. It had all gone away with those eyes...
//Loyalty until the end
With others now the heart will mend
Requiem of a Friend//
Remus awoke, startled. He knew who that person was. He knew where he had smelled him before. A long time ago... when he had been a student at Hogwarts. It was so strange to find comfort in that gaze. That gaze that had long been one of hatred. The strong scent of wrath and loathing had not been present last night though. In fact, it was admiration. How strange. Remus was confused. He knew peace in the gaze of Severus Snape.
He jogged down the corridor. It was late afternoon and everyone was in the Great Hall, as it was Saturday and they always had late lunches on Saturday. He opened the doors, just on time and took his seat. He looked up and directly across from him was Snape. He shifted his eyes when Remus looked at him. And what Remus saw was such pain that it made him cringe. He didn't take his eyes away from the blackhaired man though. And when he left the Hall, he heard foot steps running after him.
It was Severus.
"Wait." he called in a silky voice. It had a hesitation to it though. And it sounded tortured, underneath it all.
"Yes?" Remus replied, sounding falsely pleasant, comfort sweeping over him as he met the other man's eyes. And Severus Snape wasted no time when he reached him. He grabbed the werewolf and drug him into a corner and kissed him. He let his tongue slide over Remus's soft lips and everwhere in his mouth. He pulled away and Remus gasped for breath. He was shocked and elated at the same time. When Severus began to mumble and apology, Remus put a finger to his lips and kissed him.
It felt good to have a friend. And Remus could feel his wounds beginning to heal. He spoke about them queitly with Severus, as he did with him. Both men needed someone to love and someone to love them. Together, they mended. Together, they cried. Together, they loved. Together, they laughed. Together, they lived. Together. Sirius would have understood. And probably would have done the same. But Remus would never stop loving him. As much as he did love Severus, Sirius was his soul mate. And he wouldn't deny him love and a friend.
Remus spent long nights in Severus's chambers, sharing long, drowsy, and lazy kisses with him. He was alive again. And it felt good to be alive. It felt good to be in his arms and in his gaze. Eventually, the two of them got a shared chamber inside the castle. And slowly, Severus's voice held pleasant and happy tones. Remus stopped moping and rifting into painful memories all the time. And no one could deny that both had changed, for the better.
One night, only two years after Sirius had died, Remus had almost lost Severus and Harry both to Voldemort. The battle had been long and hard and grueling. He had nearly lost his life as well. A month or so after, Severus had told him that he had killed his ex-lover, Lucius Malfoy. It had brought him much pain and he had cried in the other man's arms. Remus was glad that he felt safe enough with him to shed tears. It was such an intimate thing. And everyone knew that Severus Snape didn't cry.
Yes, Remus thought, It's good for both of us to have a friend.
//In the sky, a flying white dove
On the chair, one missing glove
Requiem of Love//
When Harry was thirty-five he and Remus went to visit the grave of Sirius on the aniversy of his death. They visited the Potters' graves as well. Harry brought his family and Remus brought Severus. So many years had passed since those terrible days of loss when Voldemort had been in power. After a while, everyone left Remus alone. Severus didn't want to but Remus asked to be alone. Reluctantly he agreed.
Remus traced the letters on the headstone. His name, his birth and death date, and other trivial things. And then the memeory of the night he lost Sirius played in his mind.
~Flashback~Sirius ducked Bellatrix's jet of red light. He laughed at her and said, "Come on, you can do better than that!" His voice echoed and time seemed stop as the second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest. Remus saw that the laughter had not quite died form his face but his eys widened in shock. Remus stopped moving. The only sound was his heart thudding in his chest. It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the archway...
He had seen the look of shock and fear on his lover's face. But as he fell he looked directly at Remus and then at Harry, as if to say goodbye. Remus heard Trixie's (as Sirius had "affectionatly" referred to her) triumphant scream and saw Harry lunge for the veil and scream, "SIRIUS! SIRIUS!" Remus ran after him and grabbed him around the chest. His heart was breaking but he couldn't lose Harry. He couldn't let Harry do it. "There's nothing you can do, Harry--" he said, his voice not sounding the least bit convincing because he wanted to do exactly what Harry had wanted.
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!" The boy exclaimed, struggling against Remus, but he held on tight.
"It's too late, Harry--"
"We can still reach him--" Harry was trying to get away so hard. He was viciously kicked and flailing his arms but Remus would not let go.
"There;s nothing you can do, Harry...nothing... He's gone." Remus felt his stomach drop out as he declared it. He hadn't believed his words, why would Harry?
"He hasn't gone!" the boy screamed. "SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"
"He can't come back, Harry!" Remus had said, his voice was breaking and he felt like he was going to die, but he had to hang on to Harry, who just may get out of his grip, soon. "He can't come back, because he's d--" He was glad that Harry had cut him off. He wasn't ready to speak the words but he knew he would have to. For Harry.
"HE--IS--NOT--DEAD! SIRIUS!" Harry roared. Remus began to drag Harry away dais. The boy wasn't struggling now. Remus felt his heart plunge again as he knew the boy was coming into realization. But Remus kept a grip, not too strong, on his arm, nevertheless. He saw him talking to Neville, a dazed look in his eyes.
"Here." Remus said quietly, pointing his wand at Neville's legs, "Finite. Let's--let's find the others. Where are they all, Neville?" he couldn't break now. Let him stay strong. For the sake of the children. Remus turned away from the archway as he spoke. Every single word felt like a sharp knife cutting him open. As Neville answered there was a loud bang from the dais. And Harry lept out of Remus's grip. "Harry--no!" he cried. But it was no use. He had to help the others now. But all he realy wanted to do was fling himself after Sirius, behind the veil.~End Flashback~
Remus sat in the grass. His eyes were filled with tears. But soon he would join Sirius and James. He removed his ring, one his father had bought him, ironically it was a wolf, and dug up a little bit of earth and put the ring there. A token of his love, for Sirius.
//On the heart, another scar
Songs played softly on a guitar
Requiem of a Star//
Severus had passed away, not too long ago. Two years, roughly. His hair, once black, had been completely white, as Remus's had been and was now. He walked with a cane and used glasses to see. Without them he was well, what was the Muggle term? Blind as a bat? Yes, he would laugh when he said it, he was blind as a bat. The day was fading and dusk was falling. Twlight (and early morning) were Remus's favourite times of day. He walked, slowly but quickly for an old man nearing one hundred years old. It was the aniversery of Sirius's death.
He turned into the cemetary. The spot where the Potters and their friend was buried was beautiful. He was sure that they would have loved to know that they were buried here. Well, Sirius wasn't technically but it's all the same when you're ninety-nine years old. Remus carried three flowers. The first one was a white rose. It was for James. The second was a pink rose. It was for Lily. And the third rose was as red as blood and was for his love, Sirius.
Remus layed them gently against the graves and sighed. He felt content here. Almost as if his friends were with him. The wind blew gently through the trees. Remus brushed off some of the plants that had decided to grow over the headstones since he was last here. Somewhere, probably down the street (there was a music shell), he heard soft gentle sound of a guitar. It was beautiful. There were no words but Remus knew the song, well. It was called (Everything I Do) I Do It For You. It was a Muggle song.
He sighed and layed down in the grass and looked to the sky. It was dark now and the stars were out. Sirius, the Dogstar, shined overhead. And Remus Lupin passed away with a smile of happiness and contentment on his face. His soul, stepped out. He looked young again, in his prime. He smiled as he saw Sirius. He had his back to him but Remus cleared his throat and Sirius looked up and grinned. He grabbed him and kissed him. Then James and Lily came and grinned.
"Welcome back, Moony." Sirius said and the four of them disappeared.
~The End~