(A/N: Before I leave for the summer, I thought I'd leave you all with a parting gift: my attempt at a humor fic! Don't be too harsh if it's not funny. This will have no relation to my series of SSB fics, so don't worry about seeing any original characters here. So, without further ado…)
Advertisement Amusement
Disclaimer: I owned SSB and its characters for a while, but some jerks from some company called Nintendo stole it from me…
(A/N: Me again. This will sort of alternate between script format and regular format, whenever I deem it appropriate. Don't get confused. Oh, and I decided to ignore Mario and Luigi's accents for once.)
Luigi: Mario, that Ho-oh really drained our budget.
Mario: Yeah, it destroyed our whole set! These Pokemon think they own the place.
Pikachu: Pika! Kachu!
Mario: See what I mean?
Luigi: Uh…no.
Mario: Anyway, we need a way of getting some money back. Oh, I know! We can hire telemarketers to convince people to donate us money.
Luigi: Yeah, or we could plant a quarter in the ground and wait for it to grow into a dollar tree. We'd get the same amount of money.
Mario: That would work too…but it's completely lacking in finesse.
Samus: Mario, you have no idea what that word means.
Mario: Do too!
Samus rolled her eyes and went back to her hourly target practice session. Mario asked his fellow smashers for suggestions, a moment before realizing what a mistake that was.
Falco: We should sell Mr. Game & Watch. He'd make a great paperweight.
G&W: Beep beep! Bloop!
DK: I take him for free!
Falco: No, you idiot. We're trying to make money.
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Young Link: I know! We can run around the field, chopping up bushes!
Everyone stared at Young Link oddly. He shrugged and pulled out a large bag of rupees.
Young Link: Worked for me.
Jigglypuff: Puff! Jigglypuff!
Ness: I'm guessing that has something to do with a concert, Jigglypuff?
Jigglypuff nodded vigorously.
Mario: Then definitely not. Any other ideas?
Mewtwo: Obviously, the best way is to start shooting advertisements for other products, so they will pay us.
The room fell silent.
Mario: Good idea, Mewtwo.
Mewtwo: Puny-brained humans.
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Mewtwo: Puny-brained Yoshis.
Mario quickly made several phone calls, and returned with a list of potential products to advertise.
Mario: Everyone, pick a product. You can work together, and come up with your own commercial. Make it good! Remember, we need money.
The smashers left eagerly, leaving Mario and Luigi alone in the meeting room.
Mario: Why do I have a sense of impending doom?
Peach (dancing in, chanting): I get to be on TV, I get to be on TV!
Mario: Oh, that's right.
Luigi: We're destined to be bankrupt, I can tell.
Mario and Luigi waited for the smashers to be finished for nearly five hours.
Mario: These commercials had better be good
Luigi: Are we talking about the same smashers?
Mario: Well, you never know. They may surprise us yet!
Luigi: Whatever. Hey, here they come!
Mario: Oh, no. That sense of impending doom is back.
Peach: Am I on TV yet?
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Mario slapped his forehead in frustration.
Mario: All right, who wants to be first?
Young Link: Me!
Mario noticed Zelda, Fox, and Dr. Mario roll their eyes. He took this to be a bad sign.
Zelda (whispering too loudly): Young Link, we don't even have anything prepared yet!
Young Link: No problem, I'll improvise!
Dr. Mario: You do that. We'll watch.
Young Link: OK, let's see. Our product was this box of 512 Crayola crayons…
Luigi: 512?
Mario: The guy on the phone said that each crayon would be so cheap, they would sell themselves!
Luigi: Let's hope so, Young Link certainly won't sell any.
Young Link: You should buy this box! It's pretty, and has pretty colors!
Mario: Very convincing, kid.
Young Link pulled out a box of crayons, and began taking crayons out one by one.
Mario: What are you doing?
Young Link: It has colors like…red and brown and purple and aquamarine and gray and olive and…
Mario: Get off the stage!
Young Link: …and chartreuse and lavender and burnt sienna…
Fox: Burnt sienna?
YL: That's what it says!…and bittersweet and mahogany and razzle dazzle red…
Mario: Off the stage. Now.
YL: Just a few more minutes?
Mario: No.
Dr. Mario: Good improvisation there, Young Link. Way to sell our product.
YL: I thought so. He didn't let me finish, though.
Zelda: I'm sure that was enough of a sample to make everyone want to buy some crayons.
DK: Me convinced.
Falco: That doesn't help, you idiot.
G&W: Bleep!
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Pikachu: Kachu!
Peach: And a partridge in a pear tree!
Mario: Next!
Bowser: I'll go, you weak plumber.
Ganondorf and the Ice Climbers followed Bowser on stage.
Luigi: How did they get the Ice Climbers to join their group?
Ganondorf: Our product is this lovely hammer.
Luigi: Oh, I see.
Bowser: This is a high-quality hammer, excellent for hitting people on the head. Mario, would you care to come up and help me demonstrate?
Mario: Oh, that's very clever, Bowser.
Ganondorf: Well, it worked on DK.
Popo: Can I have the hammer now?
Bowser: No…
Nana: You promised!
Popo and Nana promptly burst into tears.
Mario: Give them the hammer!
Ganondorf: No! It's mine!
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Young Link: …and melon and blue-green and green-blue and turquoise and lemon…
Mario: All of you, off the stage! Please?
Popo (sobbing): Give me the hammer, you meanie!
Mewtwo: Silence, fools!
Mario: Thank you, Mewtwo…I think. Anyway, who would like to go next?
Pikachu: Pika!
Mario: Fine…I assume you have at least one English-speaking perso-um, character in your group?
Pikachu: Ka?
Pikachu looked around. Mr. Game & Watch, Yoshi, and Jigglypuff shook their heads.
Mario: Oh, good lord. Do you know sign language?
G&W: Beep?
Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!
Mario: Oh, right…no hands.
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Mario: Unbelievable. What was your product, anyway?
Pikachu held up a copy of Super Smash Bros. Melee.
Mario: Oh, good.
Luigi: Good?
Mario: Yeah…we don't need to advertise for this game! Everyone who has a GameCube already has it!
Luigi: Oh, right.
Samus: Can we go now?
Young Link: …and mauve and maroon and mahogany and gold and sunset orange and…
Mario: Please do.
Samus's group consisted of herself, Falco, Pichu, DK, and Captain Falcon. Falco dragged a fake computer onto the stage.
Falco: See, we have a prop!
Mario: I'm impressed already. What was your product?
Falcon: Our product was Fehisak, the amazing new heartburn drug.
Falco: You may ask how we came up with such a memorable name. Well, we were going to use the standard method of dropping a live fish onto the keyboard and letting it flop around a bit, but DK had just eaten the last live fish. So, we did the next best thing.
DK lifted up Pichu and held him over the keyboard, and dropped him.
Pichu: Chu…
Falco: You idiot! You were supposed to drop him onto the keyboard!
DK: Keyboard?
Falco: Arrgh!
Samus: Um…anyway, Fehisak will magically cure any case of heartburn you may have. You may not know this, but heartburn originates in the heart. Fehisak solves this problem.
Falcon: Fehisak is not for everyone.
Falco: Stupid ape!
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Falcon: As I was saying…if you have heartburn, do not take Fehisak. Side effects of Fehisak may include drowsiness and heartburn. People without a heart should consult their doctor.
The smashers erupted into laughter. Mario glared.
DK: Fehisak good!
Pichu: Pi…
Mario: Well, that was very, very clever.
Samus: I made it up myself.
Mario: You do realize that we're trying to GET PEOPLE TO BUY THIS, RIGHT?
Peach: I'm on TV!
Young Link: …and fawn and eggshell and lime and vermilion and celadon and pewter and…
Nana: Give me that hammer!
Ganondorf: NO!
Mario: WHO'S NEXT?
No one heard Mario over the noise except for Peach.
Peach: My turn! My turn!
Mario: Peach, who was stupid enough to join your group?
Peach: Link! He wrote me a speech, but I'm going to read it because I'll appeal to the audience.
Mario: Only if the audience is as stupid as you are. What are you advertising?
Peach: A vacation to the Mushroom Kingdom!
Mario: Oh, great. There goes our tourism income.
Peach cleared her throat dramatically.
Peach: You…should…go…to…Mush…Mushroom…Ki…Kingd…Kingdom…Link, what's this word?
Link: Because, Peach.
Peach: Kingdom…because, peach…it…is…
Link: Are you sure you don't want me to read it?
Peach: Is that a trick question? Don't try to fool me while I have my guard down?
Mario: Get off the stage, Peach.
Peach: it is…nice…and…the…Link?
Link: People. I'm a moron.
Peach: and the people. I'm a moron…are nice.
Everyone burst out laughing, even Mario.
Mario (between laughs): Who's next?
Fox (ditto): We are. Now, Marth and Roy don't speak English, so they're going to be props.
Kirby: That's right. Our product is the incredibly entertaining show, WWF.
Fox: Yep. If you want excitement…
Kirby kneed Marth in the groin.
Marth: Ow…
Kirby: If you want danger…
Fox approached Roy from behind, holding a chair menacingly.
Roy: Ouch…
Fox: Then watch…
Kirby and Fox leapt into the air and body slammed the Japanese swordsmen.
Both: WWF!
Marth and Roy moaned pitifully.
Mario: That wasn't very nice.
Young Link: …and violet and crimson and carrot and saffron and banana…
Mario: Now, if you had body slammed him, that would be different.
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Mario: Did anyone take this seriously?
Ness: Of course we did!
Luigi: You and Mewtwo, huh. Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
Mario: I wonder.
Mewtwo: Our product was Super Sugar Frosted Sugar Cubes flavored corn flakes.
Ness: Or Sugar for short.
Mario: Wonder why…
Mewtwo and Ness both turned to face different parts of the audience. They closed their eyes, and raised their arms, and began to speak in an ominous monotone.
Mewtwo and Ness: You will buy Sugar cereal.
Smashers (except Mario, who had plugged his ears): We will buy Sugar cereal.
Both: You will enjoy it.
Smashers: We will enjoy it.
Both: You will tell all of your friends to-
Mario: Stop! Stop that right now!
Mewtwo: You're no fun, Mario.
Mario: And you're a moron.
Mewtwo: How dare you-
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Popo: I WANT THAT HAMMER!
Bowser: YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!
Young Link: …and hot blue and neon blue and sky blue and light blue and dark blue and…
Mario: Well…we're officially bankrupt. I think I'll go shoot me some Ho-oh's.
Yoshi: Wait! Why don't we just make another game! That'll make us a ton of money!
Everyone stared at Yoshi. Yoshi shrugged and laughed.
Yoshi: Hey, you were doing fine.
Mario: Hmm…maybe I'll go shoot me some Yoshis instead.
Yoshi: Aaah!
Popo and Nana: HAMMER!
Bowser and Ganondorf: NO!
Falco: Moron!
DK: Banana! Little boy said banana!
Young Link: …and white. Hey! That was the whole box! That's not 512 crayons!
Falcon: Suddenly, I just got a craving for Sugar cereal.
Smashers: Me too!
Everyone left, except Luigi, Mewtwo and Ness. Mario chased Yoshi away.
Luigi: Well…at least nobody died this time.
(A/N: Funny? Let me know in a review if I should continue with humor, or stick to action/adventure. See you all in August!)