(A/N: Does anyone recognize me from the 'old-school' days of SSB? Well, I wrote a 7-fic action/adventure series laden with original characters a while ago, but lost interest before I finished it. If you want to read them, which I would highly suggest, you should going to my profile to view them and read them in order starting from the bottom. Anyway, I also wrote one humor fic, and it seemed to be pretty popular.
I guess it's kind of weird to introduce myself in chapter 3, but I didn't feel like changing the first chapter. Anyway, at long last, here's the continuation to Advertisement Amusement!)
Chapter 3: Propaganda Pandemonium
(A/N: Hooray for thesaurus.com. I'm clearly going to run out of alliterations at some point, though. Ideas would be appreciated.)
The smashers were gathered simultaneously around the breakfast table, the meeting table, and the pool table, enjoying another bowl of Sugar cereal. Mario sat at the head of the table, pondering the events of the previous two days with a pained look on his face. Suddenly Luigi rushed in, almost bursting with excitement.
Luigi: THE SET IS FIXED!
Mario: You're joking.
Luigi: NO! IT'S ALL DONE! WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE MONEY! WE DON'T NEED TO MAKE ANY MORE COMMERCIALS! HALLELUJAH!
Mario: You know, I have an ungodly premonition telling me that you're wrong.
Suddenly, the smashers heard a businesslike knock on the door. Before anyone could attempt to suggest to Mario that it was unrelated to their need for money, Mario sulked and spoke loudly.
Mario: I hate you.
Samus opened the door and a large woman barged in with a furious expression on her face. Samus cringed and directed her to Mario graciously. Mario inconspicuously clenched his fists in anger at Samus's assumed hospitality.
Mario: Thank you, Samus. How can I help you, ma'am?
Woman: I hate you all! Where is my son?
Mario: Your so-wait a minute.
Mario turned around and glared at Mewtwo and Ness. They shrugged and pointed to Captain Falcon. He, in turn, pointed back to Mario, and whispered quietly in his defense.
Falcon: You were in charge, you should have known better.
Mario slapped his forehead. He mused that, at this rate, he would do better to hire someone to do the slapping for him.
Mario: Now look, Mrs….
Woman: My name is Moron.
Mario barely stifled a laugh. Other smashers were not as skillful.
Mario: I'm sorry?
Woman: Mrs. Maurron. M-a-u-r-r-o-n. What's so funny?
Falco: Oh, *snicker* it just reminded me of an inside joke…from camp.
Mario: Look, maybe your kid got lost or…lost track of time.
Mrs. Maurron: No, my boy is punctual! You could set Big Ben on his sense of time! You'd be about a half hour off, but you could do it!
Shaking his head, Mario began another attempt at reassigning guilt.
Mrs. Maurron: Anyway, you don't have to lie to me. I watched the whole thing on camera.
Mario: WHAT?
Mrs. Maurron: Yes, apparently the feds were worried about your Sugar cereal commercial for some reason, so they installed cameras. I saw everything: those two freaks bringing him home, and that monster killing him with some kind of falcon punch! I'm suing you and you for kidnapping, and you for murder! And the rest of you for accessories to kidnapping and murder! I'll see you in court!
Just then, Ganondorf walked in. He had hurt his voice the previous day speaking so cheerfully, and had to rest. Link introduced him to the newcomer between chuckles.
Link: Hey, Ganon, meet Mrs. Maurron.
Ganondorf began chuckling. Mrs. Maurron, thoroughly confused and angry, stomped her foot and shouted.
Mrs. Maurron: Did you go to the same camp as Falco or something?
Ganondorf: What?
Mrs. Maurron: Never mind. I'd get myself a good lawyer if I were you, smashers! You three, come with me!
Laughing an evil laugh, she escorted the primary defendants, Mewtwo, Ness, and Falcon, to court.
Mario: Well, that's just great. How are we going to make enough money to hire an attorney?
The smashers all turned to Mario in unison.
Mario: What…don't look at me like that! No! Go away! I won't –
Bowser (doing a perfect impression of Mrs. Maurron, for dramatic effect): Murderer! I'll have you thrown away for the rest of your life!
Peach: Yeah! And then some!
Already annoyed with his fellow smashers, especially Peach, Mario saw no alternative but to concede.
Mario: Fine, I'll call the TV stations back. Dear God, why me?
Luigi: Say, Marth, aren't you a prince? Don't you have any money to lend to our cause?
Mario brightened up rapidly, but Marth shook his head.
Marth: I doubt anyone around here would take currency from Altea. No one could read the denominations. They use Japanese and our own Altean number system.
Luigi: Oh well.
Mario: Good idea, though. Now stop talking, all of you. I'll call the stations.
Peach: I get to be-
Mario: No! Don't talk! Please!
Intimidated by Mario's supplication, the smashers waited patiently for their assignments, split themselves up, and hurried off to prepare some skits. Mario shook his head as Luigi tried to be optimistic.
Luigi: Well, Mewtwo and Ness are gone, at least. What's the worst that could happen?
Mario: If you're trying to cheer me up, asking that question is a terrible, terrible idea.
Young Link, Peach, and Jigglypuff were the first to walk out with their skit prepared. Young Link had a distinctly disturbing look on his face, and Mario began to wonder why a moron and a smasher that couldn't put up much of a protest ended up on a team with the young hero. The other smashers finished as well, and Mario prepared himself for the worst.
YL: We'll go first!
Before anyone could object, the three walked on stage and smiled broadly. Jigglypuff looked somewhat concerned.
YL: Our product was…crayons!
Smashers: WHAT?!
YL: That's right! Crayola said we did such a great job last time, I should do the exact same thing again. Actually, I made up that last part, but it was implied.
Mario: I hate you.
YL: Hmm…laser lemon and macaroni and cheese and cadet blue and denim and vivid tangerine…
Samus: Can I shoot him?
Mario: Sadly, we need the money from this. Just tune him out. I wonder what Peach and Jigglypuff are doing up there?
Mario soon got his answer. Peach reached behind Young Link and pulled out another box. Apparently, Crayola's latest release had so many crayons that they wouldn't all fit in one box. Jigglypuff, meanwhile, seemed to be making an appeal to Pokémon fans by posing very cutely. Mario was impressed with her knowledge of marketing, but his positive feeling soon screeched to a halt as the other two began reading crayon names alternately.
YL: Pine green!
Peach (giggling): Peach!
YL: Asparagus!
Peach (still giggling): Peach!
YL (visibly annoyed): Granny Smith Apple!
Peach (in hysterics): P-Peach!
YL: That does it. Move.
He pulled out his boomerang and hit Peach squarely on the head. She passed out, and Young Link put the other box back down behind him.
YL: Now where was I…oh yes! Well-done sienna-
Mario: That one couldn't be in there.
YL (beaming): No, I made that one up. Funny, huh?
Mario: Riotous. Now get off the stage. I think you've made your point. And don't even think about running around the set reading off names for the rest of the chapter.
YL: How did you know I was going to-
Ganondorf: I wish I had killed you when you were small, Link.
Link: Strangely, I'm not sure I disagree…
Mario: Anyway, who's next?
Samus: Let's go, team!
Samus marched onstage, followed by Dr. Mario, Ganondorf, DK, and Fox. Mario found himself hoping that Dr. Mario and Samus could maintain some semblance of sanity on the stage.
Ganondorf: I saw that! Young Link moved!
Mario: He's allowed to move, Ganondorf.
Ganondorf: You sure? I know this nifty trick where I trap someone in a crystal…
Fox: Oh, you had to bring her up, didn't you?
Zelda: Who, me? Frankly, I liked that crystal…so relaxing…
Ganondorf: Stay out of this, Zelda. You too, Fox, I don't know what you're talking about.
Fox (glaring): Of course not! You never care about my adventures!
DK: Are crystals like…bananas?
Mario realized that, as usual, his hopes were entirely unreasonable.
Dr. Mario: Shut up, DK. Our product is…this!
He held up an obviously fake cell phone and stepped aside. Ganondorf and Fox stepped forward.
DK: Hey look, I just found exactly $1.27 on the floor!
Fox: Huh?
DK: Look!
DK held up what is clearly a twenty dollar bill. Mario couldn't tell if the monkey was being serious or not.
Fox: Oh, you're right, DK. Exactly $1.27. The government's money has been well spent on your public edification.
DK: I'll edificate you!
Fox: No, DK, no you won't.
Ganondorf (again highly enthusiastic and cheerful): Hey, fellas, what's new?
Fox, once again, barely stifled a laugh. DK rolled on the floor laughing, so Fox took over his lines.
Fox: Gee, Mr. Stranger who I'm not supposed to talk to, I just found, er, exactly $1.27 on the sidewalk here, and now I'm, um, sad because I can't spend it on anything.
Ganondorf: Are you kidding? Do I have an idea for you!
DK (between giggles): Yes?
Ganondorf (struggling to maintain a cheerful air): Of course I do! Just dial 10-10-½-4 billion-pi-the square root of negative 1-666 for long distance rates of only $1.27 a minute!
DK (calmed down and ready to continue the skit): Boy, that sounds like a great deal!
Fox: How exactly do you dial ½? Because I own a telephone, and it's not-
Ganondorf: If you dial these magic numbers, your friends will come to you in droves asking for your secret!
DK: What's a drove?
Fox: And pi is an irrational number, so I'd have to dial an infinite number of digits-
Ganondorf: Just remember this number! 10-10-½-3 billion-pi-the square root of negative 1-666!
DK: I'll edificate your drove! Irrationally!
Fox: And I'm positive that the square root of negative 1 is an imaginary number and definitely can't be dialed, either-
Ganondorf: Let's hear the number one more time! 10-10-½-2 billion-pi-the square root of negative 1-666!
DK: Is edification anything like education?
Fox: And you just gave three different numbers for the fourth number in the series, so-
Ganondorf: That's right, this number will lead to many $1.27's well spent. There's no need to be pauciloquent on the phone anymore!
He snatched the bill from DK, who took the phone from Dr. Mario and made a phone call.
Samus (miming picking up a phone elsewhere): Hello?
DK: Pa's eloquent!
Samus: Oh really? You just dialed 10-10-½-2 billion-pi-the square root of negative 1-666 to save on long distance? That's meritorious!
DK: I'll meritoriate you…in droves!
Samus: Thanks, Ganondorf!
Ganondorf, at this point, could no longer keep up the charade. He turned to DK angrily and shouted.
Ganondorf: Keep this monkey away from words. Of any kind.
Dr. Mario: Truer words were never spoken. Start saving today!
As they walked off the stage, few smashers were not laughing hysterically. Mario was one of them, who stared in shock as the original number was obscured beyond all recognition.
Mario: Money, people! Humor is secondary!
Yoshi: Yoshi!
Dr. Mario and Luigi (simultaneously): Yoshi's right!
Dr. Mario: Humor is an essential part of-
Luigi: We need enough money to-
Mario shook his head, slapping his forehead yet again.
Mario: You do realize that both of you interpreted Yoshi's exclamation in completely contradictory ways, right?
DK: You're contra-
Mario (interrupting quickly): Stop that. Who's next?
For once, the room fell silent. The silence lasted for several moments, as no smasher found him or herself willing to display their skit. Young Link was fidgeting noticeably, repeatedly and spastically reaching for the box of crayons. Ganondorf glared at him each time the elf started to move. Mario sighed.
Mario: Don't tell me I have to call on someone? What is this, high school?
Falco: Yeah…see, I had a big math test to do, and I forgot my research at home, and last week was Yom Kippur, and my cat just died, and-
Mario: Shut up, Falco. You're not Jewish. And you don't even have a cat.
Falco: Not anymore, obviously! You just don't understand!
Falco burst into mock tears, as the other smashers tittered at his adolescent outburst. Clearly, Mario reflected, he was dealing with high schoolers.
Mario: Will someone just do their commercial already?
Zelda: All right, come on guys.
Zelda marched onstage, and motioned for the others in her group to join her. Marth, Link, and Roy, all looking very out of their element, followed her onstage.
Mario (whispering): Notice something common to the guys in this group?
Luigi: Well, they all have swords…
Mario: Not that! They-
Zelda held up her hand to silence the audience. She triumphantly held up a large bag that contained hair conditioner and lipstick. The men onstage tried to hide behind each other, stealing glances at the princess every so often.
Luigi: I see. Like guys joining the dance team to meet girls.
Mario: This is high school, no doubt about it.
The other smashers, oblivious to Mario's commentary, tittered at the situation that the swordsmen found themselves in.
Zelda (shaking her head dramatically, letting her hair fly around): Want hair with character?
Link (in a monotone): Yes. My hair has so many, um, split ends.
Roy (ditto): It's so dry, I can't even, um, work with it.
Roy's comment caused the smashers to erupt into laughter, due to the clear lack of effort that he put into his hair. Roy's face reddened, then the laughing stopped as a thought crossed each smasher's mind (except Peach and DK).
Fox: When did you learn English?
Roy: A plot hole? What does this mean?
Fox: I didn't say anything about a plot hole. You must have misunderstood my question.
Samus: Actually…
Mario: Get on with it, people.
Zelda: Right! Anyway, for great hair that won't let you down, get Vidal Bassoon conditioner…it'll strike the right chord with you!
Mario: Well, that's the worst pun I've ever heard.
Link and Roy smiled self-consciously, as Zelda continued to the next segment in the ad.
Zelda: Coming soon, some great new lipstick colors! We have…
Mario: Why do I suddenly have a sense of déjà vu?
Zelda: Scarlet and bittersweet and ruby and crimson and…
Link appeared confused; he didn't know whether to continue with the script since Zelda was still talking. He decided to step forward and get it over with.
Link: Maybe she's born with it.
Young Link chuckled.
Marth and Roy: Maybe it's Maybelline!
Zelda paused for a moment to stare at the audience, selling her product.
Ganondorf: It's Maybelline. Go away.
Roy: How dare you-
Zelda: …and maroon and mauve and mahogany…
Marth: Just let it go, Roy.
Roy: R-right.
Not knowing how to react to Zelda's apparent loss of sanity, twenty-five of the smashers remained silent for the longest period of time in the smashers' history.
Mario: OK, well, good work, you guys. Please get off the stage.
Link, Marth and Roy were more than happy to comply. They ignored the loud snickers and mock applause from their peers, and went to go hide in their rooms. Zelda, though, did not seem intent on stopping.
Zelda: …and strawberry and raspberry and boysenberry and plum…
Ganondorf: How many crystals am I going to have to make?
Dr. Mario: Something about this atmosphere just promotes reading off colors' names, I think. The plot of land we're on may have once been a crayon burial ground.
Mario (incredulous): Do you want to run that by me again?
Dr. Mario: You…you didn't bury your crayons? And I thought we were related!
Samus: Unbelievable. I guess I'll take over Mario's role…who's next?
Pikachu: Pi!
Pichu and Pikachu walked onstage together, and eventually Bowser and Falco followed.
Pichu: Pi! Pichu pi, pichu, chu…pi pi pichu?
Bowser: I think so, Pichu, but aren't hamsters allergic to lipstick?
Falco: I hate you.
Bowser: Narf.
Mario slapped his forehead again. He knew that pop culture references wouldn't mean a thing to this group.
DK: I'm allergic to edification.
Link: Wow, DK, who would have thought?
Zelda (having been pushed off the stage, she continued to recite to herself in the corner): …and flamingo and lavender and hot pink and green-
Marth was sure he had missed something, either in translation or in this unfamiliar culture.
Marth: Green lipstick?
Zelda: You are paying attention!
Mario: You really should stop that, Zelda. Ganondorf is too busy babysitting Young Link at the moment, but…
Zelda: Is that a threat?
Pikachu (angrily): Chu!
Luigi: We're still filming, Mario.
Mario: What? Well, start!
YL: Hey! I'm not a baby!
Mario: OK, new rule. If you're not on the stage, you are banned from speaking.
Link: Hey! I don't know what things are like in Italy, but this is a free country! There's something called freedom of speech!
Mario: There's also something called slapstick comedy. It seems to be popular around here, want to experience it?
Link: Huh?
Suddenly, a giant safe fell from the ceiling, squashing Link like a pancake. It promptly disappeared and Link inflated himself back to consciousness.
Link: Oh, that's slapstick comedy.
DK: I'll slapstick your pauciloquent droves.
Mario: Right. Slapstick humor. So shut up, all of you.
Link: That hurt…
Mario: No it didn't. That's the humor: nothing hurts!
Link: You're evil.
Mario: Banned from speaking! Starting now.
Mario basked in the silence for several minutes. Finally, Bowser shouted angrily to get the plumber's attention.
Bowser: Look, I'm not proud of this, so let's get it over with.
Mario: Yes, fine, whatever.
Pikachu: Ka!
Pikachu proudly held up a copy of Pokemon: Colosseum.
Pichu: Pichu! Pi, pichupi!
Falco: No, Pichu, that is not my final answer.
Bowser: Yes, and you should buy this game or something.
Pikachu (angrily): Pika! Chu, pika pikachu!
Bowser (expressionlessly): Whoa.
Pichu (also angrily): Pi!
Falco: There is no spoon.
Pikachu jumped in the air, displaying the game title prominently.
Pichu: Pi, chu! Pikapi, chu pi kachu pika!
Falco: Surrender now, or prepare to fight!
Bowser: Hey, Steve!
Pikachu, completely enraged, shocked Falco and Bowser to unconsciousness next to Peach. He held up the game one more time and stormed off the stage, as Pichu followed. The other smashers were mostly laughing at Falco and Bowser's antics, but Mario felt bad for the Pokémon.
Mario: Come on, guys, how would you like it if someone interrupted your skit?
Silence reigned again.
Mario: Oh, right, you're banned from speaking. Funny how that works, isn't it? Good job with the slapstick humor, Pikachu. Next group?
Kirby silently led the Ice Climbers, Yoshi, and Mr. Game & Watch onstage. G&W was careful not to beep too loudly until his foot reached the stage.
Nana: Our product was this…um, what's the word again?
Kirby: It's a razor. Used for shaving, or something.
G&W: Beep! Beep!
Yoshi: Yoshi yoshi yoshi!
Popo: Yeah…sure, guys. But, um… (consults script while trying to be inconspicuous) I want a nice, clean shave!
Kirby (overacted): Yes, well, we all know exactly what that means. So, we can help you!
G&W: Bleep?
Nana: That's right, Mr. Game & Watch, the new Schitt razor –
Popo: What?
Nana: Oops…Schick razor has a new – what? What's so funny?
All of the older smashers were in tears at Nana's misreading.
Nana: Yoshi has bad handwriting, it's not my fault!
Mario: Never mind, Nana, keep going. The audience is banned from speaking.
The audience fell silent, except for a few snorts from the back. Nana cleared her throat and continued.
Nana: The new Schick razor has underwent a series of improvements over the years, and now, we present a great new improvement!
Popo: Um…it doesn't hurt anymore?
Kirby (whispering too loudly): Stick to the script!
Yoshi: Yoshi! Yoshi.
G&W: Beep beep bloop.
Popo: Yeah, I know what you mean, GW.
Nana: Anyway…Schick has added a fourth blade!
Kirby: That doesn't seem like a good thing-
Nana: For extra comfort!
Kirby: Oh, OK.
Nana: And it squirts out shaving cream on its own!
Popo: I don't think "squirts" is the best word to-
Nana: For extra comfort!
Popo: OK then.
Nana: And for a limited time only, when you buy a Schick razor, we'll also throw in a neck pillow!
Kirby: For extra comfort?
Nana (looking at him oddly): No, silly, so you can shave in bed!
Kirby: Silly me.
Nana: Get your brand new Schick razor today!
Mario: Good job, that's a wrap.
The smashers left the room quietly, leaving Mario and Luigi alone to ponder.
Luigi: It's hard to believe everyone's been so well-behaved.
Mario: They're as worried about the lawsuit as we are. We need all of this money, and I think for once everyone understands that.
Peach (suddenly recovering from Young Link's attack): I'm on TV!!!!
Mario: Peach, go kill yourself.
Luigi (whining): Mario, I was just about to deliver my catch phrase…at least no one died this time! And you went and ruined it!
Mario: Luigi. She's not stupid enough to really kill herself-
Peach: Goodbye, cruel world!
Mario: Oh, for the love of God.
Mario ran down to the stage to separate Peach from her murder weapon of choice: her frying pan.
Peach: I'll do it! Don't try to stop me!
Mario: Peach, this is a frying pan. What do you think you'll accomplish by hitting yourself with it?
Peach: Well, it makes that really cool sound effect…
Mario: Go away.
Just then, Falco and Bowser woke up.
Falco: Good work with the Homestar Runner reference, pal.
Bowser: We sure showed them what happens when they make us advertise their games!
Mario: Go away.
The two shrugged and left the room.
Luigi (melodramatically): At least no one-
Mario: The chapter's over, Luigi.
Luigi: Oh.
(A/N: First of all, I need to credit Urza (the fanfiction writer, not the artificer) for the Pinky and the Brain-esque quote, and Dave Barry for writing a column about razors and the increase in blade numbers. And of course homestarrunner.com. And whatever other sources I alluded to.
In any case, I hope you enjoyed the third installment of this fic…yes, I made an original character here but I don't think she'll turn up much. Stay tuned for chapter four, and don't forget to review!)