And so the plan was set in motion.
Harry dispatched a pleading owl to Colin Creevey, requesting pictures of Snape for a secret yearbook project and promising that if Colin were to send some, Harry would agree to autograph one of his own pictures for Colin. (Colin had been pestering Harry to do just that since he first came to Hogwarts five years before). Sure enough, the next day the owl returned bearing a small envelope containing a note and several pictures.
"Dear Harry,
I only have a few pictures of Professor Snape, for some reason he gets very angry when I try to take one and has confiscated most of the ones I've snapped. A couple of these are from the Gryffindor-Slytherin quidditch match, but there is a pretty good one that I caught when he was taking points from the Weasley twins in the hallway during my third year.
Have fun with the yearbook project and let me know if you need pictures of anyone else.
Your friend, Colin Creevey
P.S. See you on the Hogwarts Express, I'll bring some pictures for you to sign for me!"
Hermione began right away composing the most tearful, heartfelt letter she could to the Fab 5, begging them to take on Severus Snape for one of their next season's episodes:
"Dear Jai, Carson, Kyan, Thom, and Ted,
I'm writing to implore you to consider helping out our poor Chemistry teacher, Mr. Snape, on your show. I've watched every episode of "Queer Eye" and am amazed by what you've been able to accomplish, but none of those fellows needed your help half as bad as poor Mr. Snape does.
Mr. Snape is an unmarried gentleman of a little under two score years. His unfortunate physical appearance and lack of social graces have left him without the confidence needed to attract the woman his heart desires. His mood is suffering horribly, and the despair and loneliness in his eyes is heartbreaking. I just know that the five of you could transform him into a debonair charmer who could win his true love's affections.
I've enclosed a photograph of Mr. Snape for your perusal. Please note the tormented expression on his face as well as the issues he has with personal grooming. His outfit is indicative of his normal attire; he's never worn anything much different.
Please, Fab Five, you're his only hope.
Sincerely and Best Wishes,
Hermione Granger
P.S. Please do not let Mr. Snape know who submitted this request, as it would embarrass him terribly.
P.P.S. Ted: Would you be so good as to send me the recipe for the Quadruple Chocolate Mousse Pudding you made for Kyle M. last week, it looks simply divine!"
Hermione debated long and hard whether to sign her name to the request or to send it anonymously. She finally decided to sign it, fearing the Fab Five would reject an unsigned request. In any case, they'd have to find her to work out the details anyway, so she used her parents' address, knowing they would forward all her mail by owl to Hogwarts.
She reread the letter several times to make sure it had the right edge of despair without being overdone. She knew for this to work Hogwarts would have to be passed off as a muggle school, and so calling Snape the Chemistry teacher seemed the most direct analog.
She laughed to herself when she looked again at the picture she'd selected to send along with the letter. It was perfect. Snape's hair was clumping together in greasy stringlets, a testament to his coiffure problems. His brow was furrowed and his expression fatigued, as if he'd just witnessed yet another Potter accolade from Professor Dumbledore. Instead of looking angry the way he usually did, he looked beaten down and somewhat depressed. His crooked, yellow teeth peeked out from between his lips, and the collar of his ubiquitous black cape was frayed, a sure sign it had outlived its usefulness. If one didn't know him, they'd feel quite sorry for him, to be sure.
She folded her letter, tucked the photograph carefully inside, and placed it in a padded envelope she'd gotten from the muggle post office. After adding several stamps and addressing it with the contact info posted on the internet (another muggle wonder that Ron couldn't comprehend), she dropped it in the post office box.
*********************************************************************
The trio soon returned to Hogwarts for their seventh and final year. Harry graciously granted Colin his autographs, and then life at Hogwarts returned to its usual pace. Hermione was enrolled in more classes than was healthy for two students, while Harry and Ron focused their studies more carefully. Harry enrolled in all the requirements necessary to join the Aurory, while Ron pursued the course of study required for a career in curse breaking, like his brother Bill before him. They were reunited with their old friends, including Neville Longbottom (who had become quite a talented herbology student), Seamus Finnegan (still woefully undecided), and Dean Thomas (who spent more time with his girlfriend Ginny Weasley than actually studying). Harry was captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and kept the team on a rigorous schedule that would have made Oliver Wood proud.
Harry and Hermione were the only seventh year Gryffindors enrolled in Potions; Harry since the class was required for the Aurory and Hermione because, well, she was Hermione. The first few days of Potions the two of them grinned to themselves, thinking about the letter they'd sent and the possibility of the Fab Five coming to Hogwarts, but after awhile it slipped their minds, and they'd all but written it off as just a funny idea.
Until one day in November when an owl brought a muggle letter and dropped it in Hermione's lap.
"Dear Miss Granger,
We have reviewed your letter and materials regarding your Chemistry teacher, Mr. Snape. At first, we wondered if it were a joke; Mr. Snape looked to be dressed up for a Halloween party rather than for teaching school. But then we remembered that you were in England, and things are a bit different there. Certainly Mr. Snape is in dire need of our special talents and, although we are uncertain we can do everything necessary in the space of an hour television show, with the wonders of editing I'm certain we can condense it all into a spectacular program.
We would like to film the second week of January. Please return more specific location information, along with a signed release from Mr. Snape agreeing to participate, to the address below.
Tootles, The Fab Five
P.S. from Ted: I've enclosed the recipe you've requested, along with another recipe for berry and cheese tarts that I think you also might like."
Hermione squealed with delight as she read the letters contents, then raced out to the Quidditch field to find Harry and Ron to share the good news.
"Part A successful, time for Part B!" exclaimed Hermione. "Time for the mysterious benefactor to step in and make Professor Dumbledore an offer he can't refuse!"
***********************************************************************
"Incompetent nitwits!" Professor Severus Snape was grading papers in the solitude of his dungeon late one evening. "Just once I'd like a student to actually think about what they are writing, instead of just regurgitating the textbook like a sickly parrot."
"Ah, Severus.I'm glad I found you in." With a whoosh, the face of Professor Dumbledore appeared in the fireplace across from Professor Snape's desk. "Could I trouble you to come up to my office for a few moments, I've an important matter to discuss."
"Why can we not discuss it via Floo?" grumbled Severus. "I just changed into my slippers."
"This matter requires your presence, I'm afraid, Severus. I've got Winky making cookies to sweeten the deal for you," said Dumbledore with a twinkle in his eye.
"I hate biscuits," muttered Severus under his breath. "Yes, Headmaster. I'll be there shortly."
Snape replaced his comfy slippers with his everyday boots and made his way up to Dumbledore's tower office and recited the password, "Peppermint Stick!" The gargoyle guarding the door winked at him as the door opened and the spiral staircase leading up to the Headmaster's office was revealed. "Why does it always have to be candy," muttered Snape as he trudged up the stairs.
Professor Dumbledore was seated at his desk, waiting. "Thank you for coming up so late, Severus. Please, have a cookie."
Snape shook his head and tiredly said, "What did you need to speak to me about, Albus."
The headmaster sighed. "I've just received an offer, Severus. An offer that is very difficult to refuse. I've spent the last several hours trying to justify refusing it, in fact. And I've failed miserably." Dumbledore shook his head sadly.
"What does this have to do with me?" queried Snape silkily.
"Everything, Severus, it has everything to do with you. I think perhaps the best thing would be for you to read the offer yourself. It explains the quandary most effectively." Dumbledore picked up a small scroll that had been sitting on the table and handed it across to Snape, who sat down to read it.
"Dear Professor Dumbledore,
As a former Hogwarts student I have fond memories of my school days. Life was so much simpler then, when all one had to worry about were O.W.L.s and whether Ravenclaw would win the House Cup.
But I digress. I have recently come into a large sum of money, larger in fact than I can justify keeping all to myself. Thus, I am in the process of divesting much of it to my favorite causes. Hogwarts came to mind.
My memories of Hogwarts are not all pleasant; one person in fact remains in my mind as a black spot upon my days there. Professor Snape. I wish no harm on Professor Snape; in my growing wisdom I've realized that there is probably a good reason for him being the unpleasant, greasy git that he is, and that he is a creature to be pitied, not scorned. Thus, I shall take this opportunity to try to do two good deeds for the children of Hogwarts present and future.
I will grant to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry funds sufficient to build a second Quidditch field on one condition; that Professor Snape submit to a total makeover, courtesy of the muggle television show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." The miracle workers on that show have promised to improve Snape both in appearance and in character, in such a way as to increase his chances for personal happiness etc. Perhaps their ministrations will make him a more pleasant person as well.
I've attached a release form for Professor Snape to sign as well as a legal document delineating the terms of my donation for both he and yourself to sign. You will notice that I prefer to keep my anonymity; it would not do to have all my acquaintances learn of my recent windfall.
My owl has instructions to await your answer, please know she is very partial to strawberries and likes being petted behind her ear.
Sincerely Yours,
A.F.S. (Anonymous Former Student)"
Snape looked up from the scroll at Professor Dumbledore in disbelief. "Surely you can't be serious about this. It's an outrage! I have no need of a 'makeover'."
Dumbledore replied sadly, "Ah, but we do have need of a second Quidditch field. You've seen for yourself the squabbles that arise when the House teams fight over the best practice times. Your own House has complained the loudest on this matter. Consider them before you reject this notion outright."
"Am I to understand that I have a choice about this matter then?" Snape asked sarcastically.
"We always have choices, Severus. However, I should make the ramifications of your choice clear before you decide."
Severus knew he was in trouble.
"If you should agree to these terms, I will more carefully consider your next application for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. Additionally, I will approve a sabbatical for you that lies across the second and third week of February, which will naturally require that you be absent from the Valentine's Day Ball. However," Dumbledore took a deep breath at this point. "should you refuse these terms, I'm afraid yourself the chief organizer of this year's Valentine's Day Ball, along with Madame Hooch of course."
Severus gasped in horror. Madame Hooch was a nightmare in social situations; she'd tormented him for years with her impertinent tendency to insist on dancing with him. Several times each ball!
On the other hand, the punishment of refusing wasn't nearly so bad as the rewards for accepting were enticing. Dumbledore certainly had sweetened the pot, offering both the DADA position as well as a Get-Out-Of-Ball-Free card (to warp the muggle expression). How bad could a makeover be, anyway? "I see I have no choice but to accept then, Albus, as you well know. Give me the damned release paper." Dumbledore handed Snape the paper and a quill. Snape thrust it back at Dumbledore after signing his name quickly and then snapped, "Am I excused now, sir?"
"Certainly, Severus. I do hope you sleep well this evening, you look overly tired. Oh, and Severus? I'll have the details of your appointment for you shortly."
Snape nodded and stormed out the door, down the stairs, and back to the comfort of his dungeon.
Harry dispatched a pleading owl to Colin Creevey, requesting pictures of Snape for a secret yearbook project and promising that if Colin were to send some, Harry would agree to autograph one of his own pictures for Colin. (Colin had been pestering Harry to do just that since he first came to Hogwarts five years before). Sure enough, the next day the owl returned bearing a small envelope containing a note and several pictures.
"Dear Harry,
I only have a few pictures of Professor Snape, for some reason he gets very angry when I try to take one and has confiscated most of the ones I've snapped. A couple of these are from the Gryffindor-Slytherin quidditch match, but there is a pretty good one that I caught when he was taking points from the Weasley twins in the hallway during my third year.
Have fun with the yearbook project and let me know if you need pictures of anyone else.
Your friend, Colin Creevey
P.S. See you on the Hogwarts Express, I'll bring some pictures for you to sign for me!"
Hermione began right away composing the most tearful, heartfelt letter she could to the Fab 5, begging them to take on Severus Snape for one of their next season's episodes:
"Dear Jai, Carson, Kyan, Thom, and Ted,
I'm writing to implore you to consider helping out our poor Chemistry teacher, Mr. Snape, on your show. I've watched every episode of "Queer Eye" and am amazed by what you've been able to accomplish, but none of those fellows needed your help half as bad as poor Mr. Snape does.
Mr. Snape is an unmarried gentleman of a little under two score years. His unfortunate physical appearance and lack of social graces have left him without the confidence needed to attract the woman his heart desires. His mood is suffering horribly, and the despair and loneliness in his eyes is heartbreaking. I just know that the five of you could transform him into a debonair charmer who could win his true love's affections.
I've enclosed a photograph of Mr. Snape for your perusal. Please note the tormented expression on his face as well as the issues he has with personal grooming. His outfit is indicative of his normal attire; he's never worn anything much different.
Please, Fab Five, you're his only hope.
Sincerely and Best Wishes,
Hermione Granger
P.S. Please do not let Mr. Snape know who submitted this request, as it would embarrass him terribly.
P.P.S. Ted: Would you be so good as to send me the recipe for the Quadruple Chocolate Mousse Pudding you made for Kyle M. last week, it looks simply divine!"
Hermione debated long and hard whether to sign her name to the request or to send it anonymously. She finally decided to sign it, fearing the Fab Five would reject an unsigned request. In any case, they'd have to find her to work out the details anyway, so she used her parents' address, knowing they would forward all her mail by owl to Hogwarts.
She reread the letter several times to make sure it had the right edge of despair without being overdone. She knew for this to work Hogwarts would have to be passed off as a muggle school, and so calling Snape the Chemistry teacher seemed the most direct analog.
She laughed to herself when she looked again at the picture she'd selected to send along with the letter. It was perfect. Snape's hair was clumping together in greasy stringlets, a testament to his coiffure problems. His brow was furrowed and his expression fatigued, as if he'd just witnessed yet another Potter accolade from Professor Dumbledore. Instead of looking angry the way he usually did, he looked beaten down and somewhat depressed. His crooked, yellow teeth peeked out from between his lips, and the collar of his ubiquitous black cape was frayed, a sure sign it had outlived its usefulness. If one didn't know him, they'd feel quite sorry for him, to be sure.
She folded her letter, tucked the photograph carefully inside, and placed it in a padded envelope she'd gotten from the muggle post office. After adding several stamps and addressing it with the contact info posted on the internet (another muggle wonder that Ron couldn't comprehend), she dropped it in the post office box.
*********************************************************************
The trio soon returned to Hogwarts for their seventh and final year. Harry graciously granted Colin his autographs, and then life at Hogwarts returned to its usual pace. Hermione was enrolled in more classes than was healthy for two students, while Harry and Ron focused their studies more carefully. Harry enrolled in all the requirements necessary to join the Aurory, while Ron pursued the course of study required for a career in curse breaking, like his brother Bill before him. They were reunited with their old friends, including Neville Longbottom (who had become quite a talented herbology student), Seamus Finnegan (still woefully undecided), and Dean Thomas (who spent more time with his girlfriend Ginny Weasley than actually studying). Harry was captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and kept the team on a rigorous schedule that would have made Oliver Wood proud.
Harry and Hermione were the only seventh year Gryffindors enrolled in Potions; Harry since the class was required for the Aurory and Hermione because, well, she was Hermione. The first few days of Potions the two of them grinned to themselves, thinking about the letter they'd sent and the possibility of the Fab Five coming to Hogwarts, but after awhile it slipped their minds, and they'd all but written it off as just a funny idea.
Until one day in November when an owl brought a muggle letter and dropped it in Hermione's lap.
"Dear Miss Granger,
We have reviewed your letter and materials regarding your Chemistry teacher, Mr. Snape. At first, we wondered if it were a joke; Mr. Snape looked to be dressed up for a Halloween party rather than for teaching school. But then we remembered that you were in England, and things are a bit different there. Certainly Mr. Snape is in dire need of our special talents and, although we are uncertain we can do everything necessary in the space of an hour television show, with the wonders of editing I'm certain we can condense it all into a spectacular program.
We would like to film the second week of January. Please return more specific location information, along with a signed release from Mr. Snape agreeing to participate, to the address below.
Tootles, The Fab Five
P.S. from Ted: I've enclosed the recipe you've requested, along with another recipe for berry and cheese tarts that I think you also might like."
Hermione squealed with delight as she read the letters contents, then raced out to the Quidditch field to find Harry and Ron to share the good news.
"Part A successful, time for Part B!" exclaimed Hermione. "Time for the mysterious benefactor to step in and make Professor Dumbledore an offer he can't refuse!"
***********************************************************************
"Incompetent nitwits!" Professor Severus Snape was grading papers in the solitude of his dungeon late one evening. "Just once I'd like a student to actually think about what they are writing, instead of just regurgitating the textbook like a sickly parrot."
"Ah, Severus.I'm glad I found you in." With a whoosh, the face of Professor Dumbledore appeared in the fireplace across from Professor Snape's desk. "Could I trouble you to come up to my office for a few moments, I've an important matter to discuss."
"Why can we not discuss it via Floo?" grumbled Severus. "I just changed into my slippers."
"This matter requires your presence, I'm afraid, Severus. I've got Winky making cookies to sweeten the deal for you," said Dumbledore with a twinkle in his eye.
"I hate biscuits," muttered Severus under his breath. "Yes, Headmaster. I'll be there shortly."
Snape replaced his comfy slippers with his everyday boots and made his way up to Dumbledore's tower office and recited the password, "Peppermint Stick!" The gargoyle guarding the door winked at him as the door opened and the spiral staircase leading up to the Headmaster's office was revealed. "Why does it always have to be candy," muttered Snape as he trudged up the stairs.
Professor Dumbledore was seated at his desk, waiting. "Thank you for coming up so late, Severus. Please, have a cookie."
Snape shook his head and tiredly said, "What did you need to speak to me about, Albus."
The headmaster sighed. "I've just received an offer, Severus. An offer that is very difficult to refuse. I've spent the last several hours trying to justify refusing it, in fact. And I've failed miserably." Dumbledore shook his head sadly.
"What does this have to do with me?" queried Snape silkily.
"Everything, Severus, it has everything to do with you. I think perhaps the best thing would be for you to read the offer yourself. It explains the quandary most effectively." Dumbledore picked up a small scroll that had been sitting on the table and handed it across to Snape, who sat down to read it.
"Dear Professor Dumbledore,
As a former Hogwarts student I have fond memories of my school days. Life was so much simpler then, when all one had to worry about were O.W.L.s and whether Ravenclaw would win the House Cup.
But I digress. I have recently come into a large sum of money, larger in fact than I can justify keeping all to myself. Thus, I am in the process of divesting much of it to my favorite causes. Hogwarts came to mind.
My memories of Hogwarts are not all pleasant; one person in fact remains in my mind as a black spot upon my days there. Professor Snape. I wish no harm on Professor Snape; in my growing wisdom I've realized that there is probably a good reason for him being the unpleasant, greasy git that he is, and that he is a creature to be pitied, not scorned. Thus, I shall take this opportunity to try to do two good deeds for the children of Hogwarts present and future.
I will grant to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry funds sufficient to build a second Quidditch field on one condition; that Professor Snape submit to a total makeover, courtesy of the muggle television show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." The miracle workers on that show have promised to improve Snape both in appearance and in character, in such a way as to increase his chances for personal happiness etc. Perhaps their ministrations will make him a more pleasant person as well.
I've attached a release form for Professor Snape to sign as well as a legal document delineating the terms of my donation for both he and yourself to sign. You will notice that I prefer to keep my anonymity; it would not do to have all my acquaintances learn of my recent windfall.
My owl has instructions to await your answer, please know she is very partial to strawberries and likes being petted behind her ear.
Sincerely Yours,
A.F.S. (Anonymous Former Student)"
Snape looked up from the scroll at Professor Dumbledore in disbelief. "Surely you can't be serious about this. It's an outrage! I have no need of a 'makeover'."
Dumbledore replied sadly, "Ah, but we do have need of a second Quidditch field. You've seen for yourself the squabbles that arise when the House teams fight over the best practice times. Your own House has complained the loudest on this matter. Consider them before you reject this notion outright."
"Am I to understand that I have a choice about this matter then?" Snape asked sarcastically.
"We always have choices, Severus. However, I should make the ramifications of your choice clear before you decide."
Severus knew he was in trouble.
"If you should agree to these terms, I will more carefully consider your next application for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. Additionally, I will approve a sabbatical for you that lies across the second and third week of February, which will naturally require that you be absent from the Valentine's Day Ball. However," Dumbledore took a deep breath at this point. "should you refuse these terms, I'm afraid yourself the chief organizer of this year's Valentine's Day Ball, along with Madame Hooch of course."
Severus gasped in horror. Madame Hooch was a nightmare in social situations; she'd tormented him for years with her impertinent tendency to insist on dancing with him. Several times each ball!
On the other hand, the punishment of refusing wasn't nearly so bad as the rewards for accepting were enticing. Dumbledore certainly had sweetened the pot, offering both the DADA position as well as a Get-Out-Of-Ball-Free card (to warp the muggle expression). How bad could a makeover be, anyway? "I see I have no choice but to accept then, Albus, as you well know. Give me the damned release paper." Dumbledore handed Snape the paper and a quill. Snape thrust it back at Dumbledore after signing his name quickly and then snapped, "Am I excused now, sir?"
"Certainly, Severus. I do hope you sleep well this evening, you look overly tired. Oh, and Severus? I'll have the details of your appointment for you shortly."
Snape nodded and stormed out the door, down the stairs, and back to the comfort of his dungeon.