"Get out! Now!" Snape pointed at the door as he snarled at Hermione. The head girl muttered a quick, "I'll just wait outside," then hightailed it out the door.

The Fab Five gaped at Snape's outburst. Jai motioned to the cameraman to stop filming. "Maybe we should take a break now," he soothed. "Kyan, why don't you take Severus out for his facial and massage. Horace can drive you both back into town. Meanwhile, Thom can get started here and the rest of us will work on getting the interviews."

"What is this 'facial'?" asked Snape suspiciously.

Kyan put an arm around him as he led him out the front door. "Oh, you're going to love it. Your skin will never have felt better." The door snapped quietly shut behind them.

"How do you plan on making this place livable, Thom," asked Carson. "It's like a tomb. A disco tomb at that!"

"The rugs will be the first to go, of course. Then we need to bring in some light, I'm thinking track lighting would be good. And we need to replace all the furniture, none of it matches and it looks horribly uncomfortable. I don't think I'll paint, since it would be a crime to cover up the lovely stones, but maybe some richly colored tapestries would work."

Carson nodded, "Velvet. Severus is definitely a velvet man, though I doubt he knows it yet."

"Well, Sev has a surprisingly good collection of spirits and fine wines. I doubt I could teach him much on that score. But I don't think he's ever cooked before, certainly there is no kitchen in these quarters. I'll have to keep thinking about what he'll make for dinner."

Jai clapped his hands, "Ok boys, let's leave Thom to his cleaning. We've got some students to interview!"

Jai, Carson, and Ted bounded out the door, followed by the camera crew. Hermione was leaning against the wall of the corridor, reading a book which was quickly put away as they emerged. "I saw Kyan leave with Snape. Where are you three headed, I know the headmaster wanted to speak with you. . ."

"That would be excellent! He can be our first interview, but then we'll want to talk to some students," said Jai.

Hermione shifted uncomfortably then nodded, "Sure, I'll introduce you around afterwards. This way, please."

***********************************************************************

"So, gentlemen, what do you think of our humble school?" Professor Dumbledore greeted the three Americans as seated themselves. The gargoyles had been instructed to allow their entrance, however Miss Granger had been dismissed immediately after.

"It's quite lovely," answered Jai.

"I've never seen anything like it," Carson chimed in, "it's way cooler than where I went to school."

"And has better food, too," commented Ted.

"Splendid. And what do you think of our 'chemistry teacher'?"

A short moment of silence followed, then Jai diplomatically stated, "He is certainly unique!"

Professor Dumbledore laughed, "That is a good deal more charitable a description than most give, I'm afraid. Most people think he's a, how shall I put it, greasy git."

"Oh, Kyan can take care of the greasy part, no problem!" assured Carson.

"It's the git part that is more disconcerting," sighed Ted. "We're used to a little more enthusiasm from our guest starts."

The headmaster shook his head sadly. "Be that as it may, I implore you to give poor Severus the benefit of the doubt. He's had a difficult time recently and unfortunately it's made him a little difficult to work with."

"Well, at least one student thinks highly of him," mentioned Jai.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, "Indeed?"

"Yes, the student who requested the makeover. She was particularly concerned for his happiness and wellbeing," Jai continued.

"And which student was that?" asked the headmaster casually.

Carson was about to speak when Ted smacked him in the arm, saying, "We can't tell you that, Professor. She particularly requested anonymity."

"I see," Dumbledore nodded. "No matter. Now, I believe you wanted to interview some students for the show?" The Americans nodded. "That can be easily arranged."

As if on cue a knocking sounded. "Enter," called the headmaster. Two students, a pudgy boy and a blonde girl, entered the office. "Miss Abbott, Mr. Macmillan, thank you for coming. Would the two of you be so kind as to escort our guests around the grounds and help them find students from each House to interview for their project?"

"Of course, Professor Dumbledore, we're happy to help," said Ernie. After introductions were effected, the two Hufflepuffs led the Americans down the stairs and out of the Headmaster's office.

Professor Dumbledore remained stationary in his chair for several minutes, absorbing what he'd learned, and deciding what to do about it.

***********************************************************************

"Ok, queers, it's time for a conference," said Ted. He, Jai and Carson had conducted their student interviews and had rejoined Thom in Severus' quarters. The four made themselves comfortable sitting cross-legged on top of Severus' bed while the camera crew waited in the living room.

"I think we've been had," he continued.

"What do you mean," asked Thom.

"We just interviewed a dozen students about Professor Snape, and he's not exactly Mr. Chips," said Carson, "he's more like Public Enemy No. 1."

"Professor Dumbledore wasn't kidding when he said people thought Severus was a greasy git," said Jai, "The kids we talked to all said he was a terrifying bully who enjoyed frightening them and threatening to poison their pets."

Ted was nodding his agreement, "One poor boy nearly fainted when we tried to question him, Neville I think his name was."

"One thing is certain," Jai continued, "and that is Severus is not the helpless, meek fellow that Hermione wrote us about. In fact, from what young Parvati said, Severus hates Hermione and her friends Ron and Harry, and makes it a point to punish them even more than the others."

"Ah," said Thom, "so you think this whole thing was a prank."

"Exactly," replied Ted. "That explains Severus' reluctant attitude toward the whole thing."

"It sounds like he deserves it though, threatening to kill someone's pet is pretty damned cruel," reasoned Thom.

Ted narrowed his eyes, "Normally I'd agree with you, but in this case, we were used! We've got a show to do, and our producers are spending a lot of money on this. Our jobs could be on the line, you know they weren't pleased about the extra expense of this 'on location' episode. Deserved as it might be, I'm not too happy being a tool for little Hermione's prank."

"So what do you suggest we do?" asked Jai. "We still have a show to do."

"We get even," replied Ted with a smirk.

***********************************************************************

As he and Kyan headed back to his quarters, Severus rolled his shoulders to try to ease the dull ache that was all that remained of his 'massage'. The Cruciatus was preferable, he decided, because it did not involve strangers putting their hands on his naked body. He thought back to the "treatments" he'd been subjected to that day. The facial, as Kyan called it, was ridiculous but painless. He felt like an idiot with his face covered in cream, but he admitted to himself (and only to himself) that his skin did feel much softer as a result. He looked down at his hands, trying to get used to the new color the 'spray-on tan' had given his body. Luckily muggles knew nothing of Voldemort, so he was able to explain the Dark Mark away as a tattoo acquired in his youth. He was still trying to recover from the mortification though of having to stand nearly naked against a wall while he was hosed down with the "tanning fluid." Stupid muggles. If he'd wanted a tan he'd have taken a melanin enhancement potion. And the haircut. . . he'd protested that vigorously but had been overruled, and now his hair, though still shoulder-length and wavy, had a more defined, dare he say raffish shape to it.

The door to his quarters was already open. Severus walked in and felt his blood pressure rise. His sitting room was empty, save for his bookcases, his liquor cabinet, and Thom. Thom was in the process of sweeping the floor - with Severus' prized Firebolt.

"What in blazes do you think you are doing?!" Severus snatched his broom out of the bewildered man's hands. "This is not a cleaning implement!" He almost pulled his wand out right there to "Scourgify" it, but luckily remembered the company was in and made do with brushing the dust and hairballs off it by hand.

"I just swept that, and now you're getting the floor dirty again." protested Thom.

Severus gave him a glare that would have caused a lesser man to wet his pants, then carefully replaced his beloved racing broom back on the hooks that held it, giving it a gentle stroke.

"Now, now, Severus, I'm sure Thom didn't know that that was a, er, special broom," soothed Jai. Thom nodded and smiled his apology.

"Thom'll be taking you to buy you some new furniture later, but we wanted to have a little chat with you first," said Ted. "Why don't we all have a seat in the bedroom."

They all piled into the bedroom, Severus following reluctantly and noting that several someones had been sitting on his bed, and were now restaking out spaces there again. There was an awkward pause, then Jai spoke. "Severus, why did you agree to be on the show?"

He sneered, "Blackmail, pure and simple. I was offered a choice between two rather unpalatable alternatives, the lesser of which included participating in this farce."

"Blackmail," Ted repeated. "Who blackmailed you?"

"Professor Dumbledore did, but it wasn't his idea. One of my former students took it upon herself to insist upon my participation in exchange for a sizable donation to the school," Severus spat. "The Headmaster introduced the blackmail to ensure my agreement."

The Americans looked at each other in bewilderment. "A former student?" asked Jai.

"That confirms my suspicion," said Ted, nodding sagely.

"Your suspicions about WHAT?" snarled Severus. "Would you mind telling me why you are so curious all of a sudden about my reasons for putting up with this madness?"

Ted reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope, handing it to Severus. "I think you ought to read this."

It took less than a minute for Severus to read the letter, his face moving from anger to amazement and back to fury. "Those blasted Gryffindors! It must be Harry bloody Potter's money paying for the new Quidditch pitch! And the letter they sent to the headmaster, it just stunk of Ron Weasley."

He started for the door, "I'll make those three wish they had never been born."

"Wait a minute," called Ted.

Severus stopped and looked back, exasperated. "What now?"

"We have a plan." Over the next several minutes, Ted outlined the Fab Five plan to repay Hermione for her part in the prank.

"You know, Ted," remarked Severus when Ted finished speaking, "you'd have made a great Slytherin,"

"Thanks, I think. . ." Ted replied.

"Luckily I have a great deal of experience playing a role, or I'd never be able to pull if off convincingly," Severus commented, "but I must confess this may be the most difficult act I've ever done."

"You can do it!" Carson encouraged. "I just know you can! And we'll help!" The others all nodded their agreement.

"Well then, let's get to work."