Miracle of miracles, you're back, again. I always said it would happen. I just thought it would be different. It turns out I was wrong. I was expecting. I don't know, something else; but this, the guilt and the silence and the emptiness. new territory. Don't even know how to act around you now. It used to be so simple, or maybe not, but it made sense to me. It was give whatever I get; just go with the flow you know? Now it seems like I'm waiting for an action because I can't react to nothing.
There used to be life in your eyes; in you. Even if it was mischief or anger or fear or pain, it was something. The nothingness to me is more frightening than the rage. Rage I could respond to with defense, but blankness, I can't deal with. I want you to say something, anything, because I can't be the one who's wrong. It's not fair for you to come back all guilty and sorry because it doesn't make it okay; because it makes it seem wrong when I stay mad at you; because I can't forgive you and I don't want to; shouldn't have to, but the look on your face makes it too hard not to.
I'm at the point now when I'm wondering what the hell happened to you to turn you into a shell, a drone, this zombie in the body of my. enemy, friend? I don't know anymore. I want to know. I should know, but you won't let me know because you won't talk, you won't even look at me, so I don't know if I should hate you for betraying me or hate you for wanting me to forgive you for betraying me because even if you seem remorseful, you don't ask for forgiveness. That just makes it harder, because maybe you know you don't deserve it and if you know that, then you might be worth forgiving. but you don't deserve it.
I swear your silence is more confusing than any words you've ever said. I put myself through a labyrinth every night trying to figure this out because I can't sleep worrying about it. It's funny, the first time you were here you turned my life upside down with every word that rolled off your tongue and now, your silence has had an even more discombobulating effect on my sanity. I'm living in a trap you set for me again, this time unintentionally. I'm trapped in a cycle in which you constantly invade my thoughts, a bizarre twist to taking over my body; a bizarre fate in which we are doomed to repeat the same events over and over in dismal similes and metaphors. I was stuck thinking about you before, wondering what move you were going to make and if I could trust you, and now I'm doing it again for completely different reasons, because the first time you were new and I had to feel you out, and the second time you were betraying me and I had to figure you out, and now I'm lost because you're shutting me out.