Title: God's Gift.
This is the price I pay for my pride… my pride which I was not able to swallow, my pride which I could not push aside, my pride which brought me here, a place of desperation, depression and pain. Now, tears drop silently from my eyes… the price of my pride.
When I first saw him, a year ago, I took a liking to him. I liked his gentle ways, his soft "un-macho" appearance… he was different from other guys. He didn't attract attention, he wasn't loud, he was soft, nice… but he wasn't mousey. I guess that came from the group he was with. Not many people knew of him, but everyone knew of his group… of his friends. He played in the backstage, and he seemed happy with it. Guys like that are seldom found, and I liked him.
We met in camp, and we were placed in the same group, and I was glad. Camp lasted for six days, and then it was off to home. I was sad that camp was over. That's a normal feeling. We weren't from the same state. He returned to his with his friends, while I stayed in mine. After a while, however, my feelings faded to the background of my life. Other more exciting and urgent things took the place of my life. Yet… when I was alone, and when all things around me slowed down, when he urgent left, and space for the important appeared, I felt confused. An emptiness sprouted up in me at times like this, but I didn't know why… not till I met him again.
I remember that day well, too well for my own liking. I was on vacation in my aunt's house. It was drizzling that day. as I slowly walked through the park. I was restless, and again, I knew not why. Together with it, together with this restlessness and frustration of not knowing why, was a feeling of unworthiness that I didn't know how to place. I felt lazy, spending my holidays doing absolutely nothing… I felt guilty.
The drizzles freshened me up a little, clearing my confusion momentarily. I continued walking on aimlessly. Few minutes later, after all the aimless wandering, I stumbled onto the basketball court. My watch told me that it was nearly eight, but I could hear the insistent thumping of a basketball. Filled with curiosity, I inched towards the court, my feet making wet smacking noises on the path. I peeped into the court, and… I saw him.
The thumping stopped. So did practically the whole world.
'Hey…'
I snapped back into reality. Feelings rushed back into me, and… the world started revolving again.
'Yo! Remember me?' I sprouted out. He smiled.
'Angel…'
I slapped my forehead. He smiled again. I didn't exactly expect him to forget me, after all, we have been keeping contact… and to be truthful, I didn't expect him to forget all of the teasing that he and his friends poured onto me during the last camp.
'What are you doing here?'
'Vacation.'
'How long?'
'Umm… around six days more.'
'What are you doing in the middle of the rain?'
'I'm talking to you,' I replied softly. 'Isn't that obvious?'
'Right…'
'Let me switch your question. Why are you here at night, in the rain?'
'Because I'm playing basketball. Gee… I thought that was obvious.'
We talked a little more, then I excused myself. Being who he is, he offered to walk me home. I shook my head.
I reached the security of my aunt's house in less than 10 minutes. I did get some nagging from my mom, but my head was too full at that moment to actually pay heed to it. As I went to bed that night, I thought.
I'm proud, and I have grown more so this year. By the time a week passed after the camp last year, I had already ruled my feelings for him as a friend's admiration. I didn't have a crush on him, let alone love him. I just admired him for being different. Now, I take him no more than a friend. And yet… some part of me prepared to sleep that night with a different hope for tomorrow.
I did meet him the next day, and I enjoyed myself… giving me more hope for the next day… and it went on. There were times when I didn't see him, and I felt… disappointed. But I never admitted my feelings to myself. Before I realized it, I had fallen for him again. It was funny… in the six days that I was there, I had more thoughts and chances of meeting him compared to the thoughts and chances meeting any of my friends back home in a month. When I left Kanagawa, as he hugged me, I knew it. All that yearning to see him, that hope that he'll come to talk to me… it all came back down to one thing.
'Bye… Angel…'
'ine…' I added for him.
'Angel…'
'Why can't you ever wear white?' A friend who was with him asked. There were around six of them there, saying bye to me. I turned towards them, smiling sweetly.
'Can't… I'll be too glorious to look at,' I replied. Everyone laughed. He smiled. I was used to their teasing… after all, I had bore it a year ago.
'Bye…. Angel…'
'ine,' I automatically corrected. 'Bye to you too…' I stepped into the car. And, as if he felt guilty, he said,
'Bye, Angeline.'
I smiled.
I spent the rest of the holidays at home, rebuking myself at all times, trying to stop me from thinking of him. I had my pride, after all. I was not going to let myself need a guy. I felt disgusted at the pathetic outlook I brought to my own eyes. The neediness… the dependence… it was pathetic and disgusting.
Throughout the holidays, at times, I went out with my friends, at times I just lay in my bed… but at all times, I could find nothing to ease my uneasiness, my feelings of unworthiness. And… I found out why.
It was not the fact that I liked him. It wasn't the fact that he didn't like me back. It was my response. My refusal to accept that I'm human, that I'm a girl, that I needed someone to talk to, to comfort me, to hold me. It was my hate for the weakness that I see in me that made me feel this way. All my life I worked hard to prove that I'm worthy to live, that I'm worthy to receive all the blessings and love showered on me. And… at the end of the day, when I'm tired out of proving myself, when I have no strength to stand up and repeat those processes of proving myself again, when unworthiness creep into me, someone grabs my attention and my love. After it all, I was not ready to see that all the while, love was a gift from God. I was not ready to say, I'm wrong… that even if I hadn't bothered trying to prove myself worthy, I would still have been loved. I… I couldn't bear to see all the hard work of my life going down to drain. I felt that it was… unfair.
I have been molded into the pattern of the world… but I was not going to accept that. Even when I knew it, I still slogged from day to day, feeling unworthy, trying to prove myself… I was not ready to accept that I'm weak. And so, life crept at a petty pace from day to day, as I woke up, ate did housework and went back to bed, trying to prove that I was worthy. I know the problem… but I knew not the solution… at least, I knew not how to sacrifice my pride to solve it. There was no easy way to do it… was there? Life continued with me feeling down and depressed, all because I could not accept that I'm human.
That is the price I pay for my pride. I may have been able to live life with a more cheery outlook on life, but I couldn't even accept that I had feelings for someone and I needed him… but… I guess that's the price I pay for my pride.
A/N: I know this is kinda short, and I also know that this doesn't really have much to do with Slam Dunk guys. Urm… I guess I'm sort of leaving the choice of your guys to you. You can take your pick within people like Kongure, Yohei, Koshino (is he hotheaded? If so then maybe not…) But yeah, people like that would fit into the fic. I felt that if I mentioned the name, it would spoil the feeling of the fic. J. Also, I did use my name in there… I know it isn't a Japanese name, but couldn't bear to crack my head to think of one. *grin*