Being Strong
As it turned out, she was neither in her rooms nor in the Room of a Thousand Waterfalls. It was early evening by the time he found her perched on a large rock situated on the beach beside the lake. Her legs were drawn up and her chin was resting on them as she watched the artificial sunset. Her gray eyes were stormy again, but he thought that this time it was because of thought and meditation. She watched him approach and sit in the sand next to the rock, turning to watch the sunset as well.
It was dark when she finally spoke to him. "Would you believe me if I said I was sorry about this afternoon?" she asked quietly.
"No," Qui-Gon replied, "because it was obvious you meant what you said. However, I would forgive you for it. You are concerned for your master and afraid he will never come back."
Aislinn looked down at him in surprise. He continued not to pay her any attention. "You are right," she said finally, playing with the edge of her tunic. "I hear whispers in the halls when they think I can't hear. He may be killed or kept prisoner for a long time if the rebels don't get what they want."
"But you have hope."
She slid off the rock to stand in front of him. "Hope? Is that what it's called? I'm tired of being strong. I can feel his pain and terror in my mind when they torture him. He gets trussed up and dragged places for a show of strength. He's tried to block it, but it's too powerful. My master is afraid. My master! The man who's supposed to be infallible and unbreakable! I'm supposed to pretend nothing is happening, that it will all be all right. But it won't."
His own heart ached. Qui-Gon wanted to scream at her, to tell her that she had the chance of seeing him again! The pain she felt must be better than the emptiness he found. At least he was there for her and she for him. Riley was gone, never to come back. The best situation in the world still left his name on the plaque and his flame burning merrily next to him, the world's greatest farce. He couldn't take the driving sadness, not now. If he broke down here, he was sure he would drag Aislinn with him. They had to make this work, somehow. "Tell me… Tell me something happy. A memory from before, how he was." His words were halting, delayed by emotion held back, and his tone was upset, the blood of grief on his lips.
A tremor shook Aislinn's body, and then she was kneeling in the sand before him, her head buried in her hands. A choking sob tore from her throat as her torso trembled. Qui-Gon watched helplessly as sorrow overtook her. He reached out and tried to draw her safely in his arms, but she shied away, shifting to lean against the rock. They sat there a long time in silence, her eyes drowned in tears and his heart heavy with anguish for both their losses. It was painfully deep, the outer layer of the knot within himself. He wondered if she felt the same, plagued by memories that would never exist again and empty of memories that could now never be made.
"He… He used to sing to me," she said quietly. Her tears had begun to subside, though her face was still streaked with them. "Nevan would walk around the rooms and sing to fill the space. It's so dreadfully silent now!"
"I understand," Qui-Gon said. "Everything is the same, but somehow not. It's in the silence of a room, or the missing calls to your quarters. More than that, it's the regret of what will never be, what he will miss." My knighting, He won't be there to witness my Trials or welcome into the order.
"At least you have closure of some kind. I only know pain. You can grieve and eventually move on. I am trapped here, for now." She chafed her arms. He reached out and touched her arm, and this time she didn't turn or run or shout.
"Only for now," Qui-Gon replied, "you will find him again, even if it is in the Force. Evil things cannot last forever."
"So you say," Aislinn said quietly, standing up and beginning to walk away. "So you say." He watched her go, feeling the barriers fall back into place. Qui-Gon only knew more but was no closer to the goal, if it were even possible to name one. She was very much lost and in pain, and he was really no better off himself.
As it turned out, she was neither in her rooms nor in the Room of a Thousand Waterfalls. It was early evening by the time he found her perched on a large rock situated on the beach beside the lake. Her legs were drawn up and her chin was resting on them as she watched the artificial sunset. Her gray eyes were stormy again, but he thought that this time it was because of thought and meditation. She watched him approach and sit in the sand next to the rock, turning to watch the sunset as well.
It was dark when she finally spoke to him. "Would you believe me if I said I was sorry about this afternoon?" she asked quietly.
"No," Qui-Gon replied, "because it was obvious you meant what you said. However, I would forgive you for it. You are concerned for your master and afraid he will never come back."
Aislinn looked down at him in surprise. He continued not to pay her any attention. "You are right," she said finally, playing with the edge of her tunic. "I hear whispers in the halls when they think I can't hear. He may be killed or kept prisoner for a long time if the rebels don't get what they want."
"But you have hope."
She slid off the rock to stand in front of him. "Hope? Is that what it's called? I'm tired of being strong. I can feel his pain and terror in my mind when they torture him. He gets trussed up and dragged places for a show of strength. He's tried to block it, but it's too powerful. My master is afraid. My master! The man who's supposed to be infallible and unbreakable! I'm supposed to pretend nothing is happening, that it will all be all right. But it won't."
His own heart ached. Qui-Gon wanted to scream at her, to tell her that she had the chance of seeing him again! The pain she felt must be better than the emptiness he found. At least he was there for her and she for him. Riley was gone, never to come back. The best situation in the world still left his name on the plaque and his flame burning merrily next to him, the world's greatest farce. He couldn't take the driving sadness, not now. If he broke down here, he was sure he would drag Aislinn with him. They had to make this work, somehow. "Tell me… Tell me something happy. A memory from before, how he was." His words were halting, delayed by emotion held back, and his tone was upset, the blood of grief on his lips.
A tremor shook Aislinn's body, and then she was kneeling in the sand before him, her head buried in her hands. A choking sob tore from her throat as her torso trembled. Qui-Gon watched helplessly as sorrow overtook her. He reached out and tried to draw her safely in his arms, but she shied away, shifting to lean against the rock. They sat there a long time in silence, her eyes drowned in tears and his heart heavy with anguish for both their losses. It was painfully deep, the outer layer of the knot within himself. He wondered if she felt the same, plagued by memories that would never exist again and empty of memories that could now never be made.
"He… He used to sing to me," she said quietly. Her tears had begun to subside, though her face was still streaked with them. "Nevan would walk around the rooms and sing to fill the space. It's so dreadfully silent now!"
"I understand," Qui-Gon said. "Everything is the same, but somehow not. It's in the silence of a room, or the missing calls to your quarters. More than that, it's the regret of what will never be, what he will miss." My knighting, He won't be there to witness my Trials or welcome into the order.
"At least you have closure of some kind. I only know pain. You can grieve and eventually move on. I am trapped here, for now." She chafed her arms. He reached out and touched her arm, and this time she didn't turn or run or shout.
"Only for now," Qui-Gon replied, "you will find him again, even if it is in the Force. Evil things cannot last forever."
"So you say," Aislinn said quietly, standing up and beginning to walk away. "So you say." He watched her go, feeling the barriers fall back into place. Qui-Gon only knew more but was no closer to the goal, if it were even possible to name one. She was very much lost and in pain, and he was really no better off himself.