In Weakness
"Qui-Gon?" the soft alto voice pervaded his thoughts, dragging him up from the depths of his mind and oppressive loneliness. He rolled his head to the side and opened his eyes. Aislinn knelt beside the bench, her gray eyes clouded in concern. The older padawan realized she was watching him in concern. "Where were you?" she asked quietly. "I've been sitting here for a long time, trying to get your attention. I don't think you were meditating."
He shook his head. "I wasn't," he replied flatly, then turned his head back to look at the sky. "I was thinking, I guess."
"About Master Giovan," she replied, not really asking.
"Yes and no," he replied with a shrug. Qui-Gon sat up to study the girl who sat before him. She watched him, gray eyes unblinking, as though trying to see through the very depths of his soul. Her gaze made him feel uncomfortable, like she was going to be able to see right through him, hear his un-Jedi-like thoughts and feel his flaws. He was not the strong, confident, easy-going padawan any more. Qui-Gon didn't know what he was, but he knew he wasn't the same. Many things were just a front now, as he sifted through his pain and found a new beginning, somewhere to start again. A part of him would always be stuck here, never to grow up and learn from his master as he had. He was hiding, and he knew it. He was afraid that she, that anyone, would see him as he was, a person with limitations.
"You are stronger than you think. We both are, I believe," Aislinn said quietly, still watching his face. Qui-Gon wondered what she saw before she had said that, what had passed over his face as a multitude of thoughts and perceptions passed over his heart. "'For it is only in weakness that strength is revealed.' My master used to tell me that, though I don't think I understood him at the time. But bravery means nothing if there is nothing to fear."
Qui-Gon shook his head slightly and stood, turning his back to her as he stepped over the bench. He heard the grass rustled and could sense her as she stood, but he didn't pause. Being alone was difficult, but sometimes being with someone who understood, perhaps a little too well, was even more impossible to bear.
* * *
"Chosen to be alone again, have you?" the diminutive Jedi asked, his green ears twitching thoughtfully. Qui-Gon glared down at him, not caring a bit whether or not the Council member noticed his annoyance.
"I wish to be alone," he replied. He was standing on one of the glass bands that wrapped around the spires of the Jedi Temple giving an unadulterated view of Coruscant. The sun was bleeding red across the sky as it set, reflecting off the buildings. However, he could only see the reflections of the deep red on buildings, facing east towards the impending grayness. Qui-Gon didn't bother to turn around and fully address Yoda.
"Noticed, I have. Care, I do not," he replied, flashing some of his own displeasure. "Concerned, Aislinn is. Asked me to find you, she did. Afraid for you, she is." He moved to stand next to Qui-Gon, addressing the taller man's side since he still didn't turn from the view beyond the glass.
The padawan snorted derisively. "Has she run out of people to yell at so quickly?" he queried. Yoda frowned, tapping Qui-Gon's knees with his walking stick.
"Your side, I do not appreciate talking to. Suffice not will your kneecaps." With a sigh, the taller man turned to face Yoda, kneeling onto one knee, now on the same level as the older Jedi. "Fair, that is not. Rightfully concerned, I think she is. Hiding in loneliness, you are. Afraid to be hurt again." Yoda frowned, peering at Qui-Gon. Then, a thoughtful look crossed his face and he closed his eyes, murmuring to himself for a moment.
"Fair." He paused, frowning slightly and resisting the urge to turn back to the sight of Coruscant. "It's been three days since my master died!" Qui-Gon replied. "Why is it assumed that I would immediately be all right?"
"All right you act," Yoda countered, his eyes still closed, "but all right you are not. If pretend nothing is wrong you do, then perhaps so it will be. But doubtful. Foresee a day, I do, when a padawan will reach for you, but be there for him you will not. That is, if this lesson you do not learn now."
"Perhaps I will choose not to take one," Qui-Gon replied stiffly.
"To die alone, do you wish? Easy enough it is to be alone, if one chooses to be afraid! Stand alone forever, will you? Rebellious you were before, but foolish I thought you were not." He snorted, his normally even voice rising in frustration. "Battle this always, you will, to trust or to reject. Walk alone, you cannot forever. Friends you have even now, if to accept them you choose. Friend of yours, I am, if allow me you will. Aislinn as well. Always choose wisely. A second chance you may not receive."
Qui-Gon shook his head in frustration, and he was about to reply to the small Council member when Yoda held up a hand to silence him. "Justify yourself to me, you will not. Decide you must here" he tapped Qui-Gon on the head, "and more importantly here," he tapped him on the chest.
"I don't understand what is expected of me," Qui-Gon finally replied after being appraised for a long time by Master Yoda.
The diminutive master smiled knowingly. "The second line of the Jedi Oath, do you know?"
"'There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.'" Qui-Gon replied, intoning the line softly as he pondered the words.
"And the first? The third?"
"'There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no passion, there is serenity.'" Qui-Gon frowned, realizing where Yoda was going with this line of thought. "And the last, 'There is no death, there is the Force.' But it doesn't feel that way, Master Yoda. I have been taught not to deny my feelings."
Yoda's ears twitched, and he gave the padawan in front of him a piercing look. What little emotion his face betrayed only indicated concern and disquiet. "Expressing your feelings, are you? Or denying them?" He shook his head slowly and turned away, his gimmer stick clicking on the tiles, echoing in the large room.
Qui-Gon glared at his back, not caring that he was being disrespectful to the master. He couldn't come up with a reasonable response to the small Jedi, so instead he just watched him go. Before leaving the room, Yoda turned, a frown upon his face. Qui-Gon looked at him levelly, feeling a bit of mutiny rise within him. "Conquer this, you will," Yoda said, his voice warning in tone, "or a padawan I see passed over, and a mistake made that can't be reversed."
"Qui-Gon?" the soft alto voice pervaded his thoughts, dragging him up from the depths of his mind and oppressive loneliness. He rolled his head to the side and opened his eyes. Aislinn knelt beside the bench, her gray eyes clouded in concern. The older padawan realized she was watching him in concern. "Where were you?" she asked quietly. "I've been sitting here for a long time, trying to get your attention. I don't think you were meditating."
He shook his head. "I wasn't," he replied flatly, then turned his head back to look at the sky. "I was thinking, I guess."
"About Master Giovan," she replied, not really asking.
"Yes and no," he replied with a shrug. Qui-Gon sat up to study the girl who sat before him. She watched him, gray eyes unblinking, as though trying to see through the very depths of his soul. Her gaze made him feel uncomfortable, like she was going to be able to see right through him, hear his un-Jedi-like thoughts and feel his flaws. He was not the strong, confident, easy-going padawan any more. Qui-Gon didn't know what he was, but he knew he wasn't the same. Many things were just a front now, as he sifted through his pain and found a new beginning, somewhere to start again. A part of him would always be stuck here, never to grow up and learn from his master as he had. He was hiding, and he knew it. He was afraid that she, that anyone, would see him as he was, a person with limitations.
"You are stronger than you think. We both are, I believe," Aislinn said quietly, still watching his face. Qui-Gon wondered what she saw before she had said that, what had passed over his face as a multitude of thoughts and perceptions passed over his heart. "'For it is only in weakness that strength is revealed.' My master used to tell me that, though I don't think I understood him at the time. But bravery means nothing if there is nothing to fear."
Qui-Gon shook his head slightly and stood, turning his back to her as he stepped over the bench. He heard the grass rustled and could sense her as she stood, but he didn't pause. Being alone was difficult, but sometimes being with someone who understood, perhaps a little too well, was even more impossible to bear.
* * *
"Chosen to be alone again, have you?" the diminutive Jedi asked, his green ears twitching thoughtfully. Qui-Gon glared down at him, not caring a bit whether or not the Council member noticed his annoyance.
"I wish to be alone," he replied. He was standing on one of the glass bands that wrapped around the spires of the Jedi Temple giving an unadulterated view of Coruscant. The sun was bleeding red across the sky as it set, reflecting off the buildings. However, he could only see the reflections of the deep red on buildings, facing east towards the impending grayness. Qui-Gon didn't bother to turn around and fully address Yoda.
"Noticed, I have. Care, I do not," he replied, flashing some of his own displeasure. "Concerned, Aislinn is. Asked me to find you, she did. Afraid for you, she is." He moved to stand next to Qui-Gon, addressing the taller man's side since he still didn't turn from the view beyond the glass.
The padawan snorted derisively. "Has she run out of people to yell at so quickly?" he queried. Yoda frowned, tapping Qui-Gon's knees with his walking stick.
"Your side, I do not appreciate talking to. Suffice not will your kneecaps." With a sigh, the taller man turned to face Yoda, kneeling onto one knee, now on the same level as the older Jedi. "Fair, that is not. Rightfully concerned, I think she is. Hiding in loneliness, you are. Afraid to be hurt again." Yoda frowned, peering at Qui-Gon. Then, a thoughtful look crossed his face and he closed his eyes, murmuring to himself for a moment.
"Fair." He paused, frowning slightly and resisting the urge to turn back to the sight of Coruscant. "It's been three days since my master died!" Qui-Gon replied. "Why is it assumed that I would immediately be all right?"
"All right you act," Yoda countered, his eyes still closed, "but all right you are not. If pretend nothing is wrong you do, then perhaps so it will be. But doubtful. Foresee a day, I do, when a padawan will reach for you, but be there for him you will not. That is, if this lesson you do not learn now."
"Perhaps I will choose not to take one," Qui-Gon replied stiffly.
"To die alone, do you wish? Easy enough it is to be alone, if one chooses to be afraid! Stand alone forever, will you? Rebellious you were before, but foolish I thought you were not." He snorted, his normally even voice rising in frustration. "Battle this always, you will, to trust or to reject. Walk alone, you cannot forever. Friends you have even now, if to accept them you choose. Friend of yours, I am, if allow me you will. Aislinn as well. Always choose wisely. A second chance you may not receive."
Qui-Gon shook his head in frustration, and he was about to reply to the small Council member when Yoda held up a hand to silence him. "Justify yourself to me, you will not. Decide you must here" he tapped Qui-Gon on the head, "and more importantly here," he tapped him on the chest.
"I don't understand what is expected of me," Qui-Gon finally replied after being appraised for a long time by Master Yoda.
The diminutive master smiled knowingly. "The second line of the Jedi Oath, do you know?"
"'There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.'" Qui-Gon replied, intoning the line softly as he pondered the words.
"And the first? The third?"
"'There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no passion, there is serenity.'" Qui-Gon frowned, realizing where Yoda was going with this line of thought. "And the last, 'There is no death, there is the Force.' But it doesn't feel that way, Master Yoda. I have been taught not to deny my feelings."
Yoda's ears twitched, and he gave the padawan in front of him a piercing look. What little emotion his face betrayed only indicated concern and disquiet. "Expressing your feelings, are you? Or denying them?" He shook his head slowly and turned away, his gimmer stick clicking on the tiles, echoing in the large room.
Qui-Gon glared at his back, not caring that he was being disrespectful to the master. He couldn't come up with a reasonable response to the small Jedi, so instead he just watched him go. Before leaving the room, Yoda turned, a frown upon his face. Qui-Gon looked at him levelly, feeling a bit of mutiny rise within him. "Conquer this, you will," Yoda said, his voice warning in tone, "or a padawan I see passed over, and a mistake made that can't be reversed."