***
The next week passed as a blur to Severus. He taught his classes as
usually, gave detentions, took points from different houses.... the normal
stuff. But his thoughts were different... always changing. He had the feel
of guilt. And that lasted with him all week.
Finally Saturday came around. He would get to relax. He spent most of the day in his office grading papers. Then around three o'colck, he heard a knock at the door.
Snape: Who is it?!
Mcgonagall: It's me Severus. May I please come in? I would like a word with you.
Snape: Of course. Come in, come in.
Professor Mcgonagall entered the room. Her tight bun sitting on top of her head as usual. She made her way across the room and took a seat.
Mcgonagall: Poppy has told me some very intersting news, Severus...
Snape: Not with this again.
He put his quill down on the desk and looked at her.
Snape: Look, ok? I did NOT have a hangover. What makes you think that I would do such a thing as drink, especially on school grounds?
Mcgonagall: But why would Poppy have lied about such a thing Severus?
Snape: How should I know. Ask her.
He picked up his quill again and finished grading the half graded paper laying in front of him.
Mcgonagall: I suppose your right. Thank you Severus.
She got up to leave. Then stopping right before she got to the door she turned to say something else.
Mcgonagall: Severus?
Snape: Yes?
He didn't look up from the peice of parchment of which he was writing on.
Mcgonagall: You know, it's been a long time since you've been away from the castle. And well we're all going to Hogsmeade next week. It'll do you good to get out of the castle. What do you think? You want to come along?
Snape: I don't know Minerva. I have a bunch of work I need to do and...
Mcgonagall: OK. Well at least give it some thought then. See you later.
With that she turned and left Snape's office.
***
Later that week Dumbledore asked Severus to come to his office to talk over tea.
Dumbledore: Severus I think it would be good if I hired someone to assist you in the dungeons. I mean you could use the company. And I think that you could use the help as well. But do know that I am leaving the decision up to. Just let me know whether or not you think it would be a good idea.... Severus? Are you listening?
Severus was staring out the window, looking down onto the school grounds. He was startled when he realized that he had been in "lala land" when Dumbledore had been takling.
Snape: Wha... oh yes. Of course.
Dumbledore: Severus I have noticed that the past few weeks, you've been acting a little different... is everything ok? Do you need to talk about anything?
Snape: Well it's just that.... wait. What am I saying? No headmaster. There's nothing wrong. Everything's fine.
But Snape knew that this was a lie. Everything was not fine. But he was not about to sit here and talk to Albus about all his problems.
Dumbledore: Severus? Are you sure you don't need some time off? I would be more than glad...
Snape: No. I couldn't do that. But thanks anyways. I think I just need a good night's sleep.
Dumbledore: OK. Well goodnight then.
Severus got up and walked back to his office, then went into his room. He sat on the edge of his bed thinking. Then he opened up the droor of his nightstand, and took out a picture. He looked down at it. He saw him, and a beautiful girl waving at him. He had been so happy in that picture. And why shouldn't he be? he had his fiance' with him. He was the happiest person alive. Sara was the best thing that could have ever happened to him.
He first met Sara during his 3 year at Hogwarts. She was not a Slytherin but instead in Ravenclaw. She had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. He could stare all day at her long blonde hair, and gaze into her beautiful hazel eyes. He thought back to their many dates at Hogsmeade while in their seventh year.
They had been alone in the garden at Hogwarts the night he had proposed to her. It had taken all of his guts to do so. He was in love, and was sure she felt the same about him. And he was right. She said yes, and once they were out of school they got married. But that was the very beginig of their problems. Severus soon joined the Death Eaters.He knew that it was putting his and Sara's lives in danger, but he felt that he had to do it. He thought that deep down he did it to show his family that even though he didn't join the ministry, he could do something for power and recognition.
But his nightmare soon came true. He had endangered his and Sara's lives. And a while later, Voldemort had murdered Sara. That had been Severus' only bit of happiness in his life. Once Sara had gone out of his life, he felt as if he had nothing left to live for. Then Dumbledore offered him the job as potions master. And he took it. Some say he took it just to escape the pain he felt.
As Severus sat on his bed looking at the picture, he felt a rush of guilt come over him. It was his fault that Sara was dead. It was all because he was a Death Eater. All because he had to prove something to his family. Because he was selfish. It was his fault. If he hadn't been so selfish, Sara would still be alive.
I don't deserve to live, he told himself. I should have been the one to die... not Sara.
Then he looked over and saw that his razor was still on the floor beneath his chair. He got up and walked over to it. He bent over, picked it up and brought it to his wrist. He didn't want to live anymore. He wanted to put his life to an end, for ending Sara's. Slowly he began to cut. He cut, and cut, and cut. He watched the blood run down his fore arm. Then he became slightly light headed and dizzy. Before he realized it, he passed out from loss of blood.
***
Severus could here voices. But he couldn't see anyone. He realized that he had his eyes closed, then opened them. Everything was very blurry. He tried to sit up, but was forced to lay back down.
Mcgonagall: Albus, are you sure he'll be OK?
Dumbledore: He should be. Maddam Promfrey will have him back up in no time.
And after hearing that, he layed back down and went back to sleep.
***
The next morning he awoke to find Maddam Promfrey over at her desk. When she saw he was up she rushed over to his side. She took a good look at him then hurried back over to her desk. A few minutes later Dumbledore walked into the hospital wing.
Dumbledore: Severus? Do you know where you are?
Snape: Yeah. But how did I get here? What happened?
Dumbledore: Well Minerva found you in your room last night... along with this.
He put his hand into his robes and pulled out a blood stained razor.
Suddenly it all came back to Severus. He knew exactly what had happened.
Snape: Albus...
Dumbledore: You're very lucky that Minerva found you when she did. She came to see you about the Hogsmeade trip. When you didn't answer the door, she got worried and went in herself. She found you in a puddle of blood from your wrists. So tell me... where you trying to commit suicide? Or just feeling like getting some sick days?
Severus looked down at the sheets in the bed. He felt aweful. He felt his stomach churning. He didn't want anyone finding out about this. When he didn't answer, Dumbledore got the answer he was looking for.
Dumbledore: Severus, I know that you've gone through some tough stuff. But this is not the way out. I told you that I would be willing to talk to you. I know that with your mother dying that you would be upset, but i didn't think you would go this extreme...
Snape: It's not just that. Last night when I did that... I was thinking about Sara.
He looked down again trying to keep himself from making eye contact with Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: Severus, what happened to Sara was not your fault at all. You have to let her go Severus.
Then Severus looked down at his wrist. He saw cuts on them. Seeing what he was looking at, Dumbledore started to explain.
Dumbledore: As you know, Poppy can heal cuts and scrapes easily. But when the cuts and scrapes are done intentionally, the scars will never go away. They last as a reminder to the person who did it. It's something that they have to live with forever.
Suddenly Severus felt a sickening feeling in his stomch. It was bad enough to have the dark mark on his arm. And now he had a bunch of scars to remind him of his near death.
Snape: Albus? If Minerva hadn't have found me... would I be... dead?
Dumbledore: Yes Severus. Unfortunately, that is the case. You would have bled to death.
Severus looked down at his wrist one more time. Minerva had saved his life. And he owed her big time. But the funny thing was, he was disapointed. He was mad that she did find him. He wanted to die. I mean, that was the whole purpose of it, wasn't it?
Shortly after being giving more blood to replinish him, he was released from the hospital wing. Only to go back to his office. Earlier while talking to Dumbledore, he was told that he would be given a partner like teacher. Someone to come and live with him, teach with him, and even keep him company. He wasn't too fond of the idea. But it had been Dumbledore's wish. So he agreed to it.
***
Hi guys. I hope this is getting better. I think it is. And if you don't like it, or you want something changed, let me know. If you have any suggestions, please let me know also. I'm writing about Severus' depression and cutting from my own experience. So it means a lot to finally be able to write about it.
Next Chapter: Severus meets his new partner. And we find out what's going through his mind now....
Finally Saturday came around. He would get to relax. He spent most of the day in his office grading papers. Then around three o'colck, he heard a knock at the door.
Snape: Who is it?!
Mcgonagall: It's me Severus. May I please come in? I would like a word with you.
Snape: Of course. Come in, come in.
Professor Mcgonagall entered the room. Her tight bun sitting on top of her head as usual. She made her way across the room and took a seat.
Mcgonagall: Poppy has told me some very intersting news, Severus...
Snape: Not with this again.
He put his quill down on the desk and looked at her.
Snape: Look, ok? I did NOT have a hangover. What makes you think that I would do such a thing as drink, especially on school grounds?
Mcgonagall: But why would Poppy have lied about such a thing Severus?
Snape: How should I know. Ask her.
He picked up his quill again and finished grading the half graded paper laying in front of him.
Mcgonagall: I suppose your right. Thank you Severus.
She got up to leave. Then stopping right before she got to the door she turned to say something else.
Mcgonagall: Severus?
Snape: Yes?
He didn't look up from the peice of parchment of which he was writing on.
Mcgonagall: You know, it's been a long time since you've been away from the castle. And well we're all going to Hogsmeade next week. It'll do you good to get out of the castle. What do you think? You want to come along?
Snape: I don't know Minerva. I have a bunch of work I need to do and...
Mcgonagall: OK. Well at least give it some thought then. See you later.
With that she turned and left Snape's office.
***
Later that week Dumbledore asked Severus to come to his office to talk over tea.
Dumbledore: Severus I think it would be good if I hired someone to assist you in the dungeons. I mean you could use the company. And I think that you could use the help as well. But do know that I am leaving the decision up to. Just let me know whether or not you think it would be a good idea.... Severus? Are you listening?
Severus was staring out the window, looking down onto the school grounds. He was startled when he realized that he had been in "lala land" when Dumbledore had been takling.
Snape: Wha... oh yes. Of course.
Dumbledore: Severus I have noticed that the past few weeks, you've been acting a little different... is everything ok? Do you need to talk about anything?
Snape: Well it's just that.... wait. What am I saying? No headmaster. There's nothing wrong. Everything's fine.
But Snape knew that this was a lie. Everything was not fine. But he was not about to sit here and talk to Albus about all his problems.
Dumbledore: Severus? Are you sure you don't need some time off? I would be more than glad...
Snape: No. I couldn't do that. But thanks anyways. I think I just need a good night's sleep.
Dumbledore: OK. Well goodnight then.
Severus got up and walked back to his office, then went into his room. He sat on the edge of his bed thinking. Then he opened up the droor of his nightstand, and took out a picture. He looked down at it. He saw him, and a beautiful girl waving at him. He had been so happy in that picture. And why shouldn't he be? he had his fiance' with him. He was the happiest person alive. Sara was the best thing that could have ever happened to him.
He first met Sara during his 3 year at Hogwarts. She was not a Slytherin but instead in Ravenclaw. She had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. He could stare all day at her long blonde hair, and gaze into her beautiful hazel eyes. He thought back to their many dates at Hogsmeade while in their seventh year.
They had been alone in the garden at Hogwarts the night he had proposed to her. It had taken all of his guts to do so. He was in love, and was sure she felt the same about him. And he was right. She said yes, and once they were out of school they got married. But that was the very beginig of their problems. Severus soon joined the Death Eaters.He knew that it was putting his and Sara's lives in danger, but he felt that he had to do it. He thought that deep down he did it to show his family that even though he didn't join the ministry, he could do something for power and recognition.
But his nightmare soon came true. He had endangered his and Sara's lives. And a while later, Voldemort had murdered Sara. That had been Severus' only bit of happiness in his life. Once Sara had gone out of his life, he felt as if he had nothing left to live for. Then Dumbledore offered him the job as potions master. And he took it. Some say he took it just to escape the pain he felt.
As Severus sat on his bed looking at the picture, he felt a rush of guilt come over him. It was his fault that Sara was dead. It was all because he was a Death Eater. All because he had to prove something to his family. Because he was selfish. It was his fault. If he hadn't been so selfish, Sara would still be alive.
I don't deserve to live, he told himself. I should have been the one to die... not Sara.
Then he looked over and saw that his razor was still on the floor beneath his chair. He got up and walked over to it. He bent over, picked it up and brought it to his wrist. He didn't want to live anymore. He wanted to put his life to an end, for ending Sara's. Slowly he began to cut. He cut, and cut, and cut. He watched the blood run down his fore arm. Then he became slightly light headed and dizzy. Before he realized it, he passed out from loss of blood.
***
Severus could here voices. But he couldn't see anyone. He realized that he had his eyes closed, then opened them. Everything was very blurry. He tried to sit up, but was forced to lay back down.
Mcgonagall: Albus, are you sure he'll be OK?
Dumbledore: He should be. Maddam Promfrey will have him back up in no time.
And after hearing that, he layed back down and went back to sleep.
***
The next morning he awoke to find Maddam Promfrey over at her desk. When she saw he was up she rushed over to his side. She took a good look at him then hurried back over to her desk. A few minutes later Dumbledore walked into the hospital wing.
Dumbledore: Severus? Do you know where you are?
Snape: Yeah. But how did I get here? What happened?
Dumbledore: Well Minerva found you in your room last night... along with this.
He put his hand into his robes and pulled out a blood stained razor.
Suddenly it all came back to Severus. He knew exactly what had happened.
Snape: Albus...
Dumbledore: You're very lucky that Minerva found you when she did. She came to see you about the Hogsmeade trip. When you didn't answer the door, she got worried and went in herself. She found you in a puddle of blood from your wrists. So tell me... where you trying to commit suicide? Or just feeling like getting some sick days?
Severus looked down at the sheets in the bed. He felt aweful. He felt his stomach churning. He didn't want anyone finding out about this. When he didn't answer, Dumbledore got the answer he was looking for.
Dumbledore: Severus, I know that you've gone through some tough stuff. But this is not the way out. I told you that I would be willing to talk to you. I know that with your mother dying that you would be upset, but i didn't think you would go this extreme...
Snape: It's not just that. Last night when I did that... I was thinking about Sara.
He looked down again trying to keep himself from making eye contact with Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: Severus, what happened to Sara was not your fault at all. You have to let her go Severus.
Then Severus looked down at his wrist. He saw cuts on them. Seeing what he was looking at, Dumbledore started to explain.
Dumbledore: As you know, Poppy can heal cuts and scrapes easily. But when the cuts and scrapes are done intentionally, the scars will never go away. They last as a reminder to the person who did it. It's something that they have to live with forever.
Suddenly Severus felt a sickening feeling in his stomch. It was bad enough to have the dark mark on his arm. And now he had a bunch of scars to remind him of his near death.
Snape: Albus? If Minerva hadn't have found me... would I be... dead?
Dumbledore: Yes Severus. Unfortunately, that is the case. You would have bled to death.
Severus looked down at his wrist one more time. Minerva had saved his life. And he owed her big time. But the funny thing was, he was disapointed. He was mad that she did find him. He wanted to die. I mean, that was the whole purpose of it, wasn't it?
Shortly after being giving more blood to replinish him, he was released from the hospital wing. Only to go back to his office. Earlier while talking to Dumbledore, he was told that he would be given a partner like teacher. Someone to come and live with him, teach with him, and even keep him company. He wasn't too fond of the idea. But it had been Dumbledore's wish. So he agreed to it.
***
Hi guys. I hope this is getting better. I think it is. And if you don't like it, or you want something changed, let me know. If you have any suggestions, please let me know also. I'm writing about Severus' depression and cutting from my own experience. So it means a lot to finally be able to write about it.
Next Chapter: Severus meets his new partner. And we find out what's going through his mind now....