Thirty Eight - BF
Over the past two weeks Virgil had discovered that he had three outlets for when things got too much for him. Drawing, playing the piano and calling home.
The past few days the third option had become a lifeline.
The call he made at lunchtime on day 14 had been after an especially trying morning.
Jeff Tracy answered the phone with a smile. Unfortunately Virgil hadn't been able to return the gesture.
"What's wrong son?"
Virgil looked as devastated as he had been when they'd first learnt that Scott's condition was permanent. "Nothing." He said quietly. "I just wanted to say hi."
"Was it a tough morning?"
Virgil nodded. "He's getting angrier and angrier and more and more frustrated."
"And he's taking it out on you?"
"It's what I'm here for."
"No you're not. You're there to help him. What did he do?"
"Nothing."
This was going to be as hard as getting blood from a stone. "What did he say, Virgil?"
"It doesn't matter."
Jeff was glad that none of his other sons were in the room at the moment. "Come on Virgil." He said gently. "Tell me."
Virgil hesitated. He looked to be on the brink of tears. "I'm being over-sensitive."
Jeff waited. Virgil clearly wanted to share what was worrying him, hence the phone call. But something was holding him back. Jeff waited patiently.
"He said that he was glad that he'd lost his sight."
This was a surprise. "Why?"
Virgil swallowed. What he was about to say would probably hurt his father too. "Because it meant that he didn't have to look at me and be reminded of Ma, and remember that it was my fault that she was killed."
Jeff cringed inwardly. Of all the things to come out with, this was the worst. Insult one of Virgil's paintings and he would have passed it off as being a comment from someone who didn't understand what he was trying to express. Make a negative comment about his music and Virgil would have assumed that you didn't have a musical ear. Doubt his sexuality (as had happened occasionally in the past) and he would have laughed and offered you the phone numbers of several girls who would have said otherwise. Say he'd failed during a rescue and he would have agreed and worked to make sure the error didn't happen again.
Nothing upset Virgil and yet Scott had managed to hit on the one nerve that was raw. As he no doubt had meant to.
He could now understand why Virgil looked so devastated. "The accident wasn't your fault, Virgil. We've discussed this."
"I know. I also know that he didn't mean it. It's not so much that he said it, it's that he even thought of it to say it!" He grimaced. "I'm not making myself very clear."
"Don't worry, you're clear enough." Jeff was grim faced. "I don't care how badly he's feeling, he has no right to talk to you like that. Maybe I should come out there and you could come home..."
He was not surprised when Virgil dismissed this suggestion. "No it's okay. With any luck we've hit rock bottom and things will start getting better."
They were both silent for a moment.
The connecting door opened and Scott entered the room hesitantly. "Are you in here, Virgil?"
Virgil wiped his eyes and tried to get his emotions under control. When he spoke his voice was nearly normal, if slightly cool. "Yeah I'm here. What can I do for you?" He didn't tell his brother that their father was on the phone.
Scott's ears picked up on the fact that Virgil's voice was only nearly normal. "I, uh, you didn't come down to lunch."
"I didn't feel like having anything." Virgil admitted.
"Rough morning."
"Yeah." Virgil agreed.
There was silence during which Jeff wondered if he should disconnect the phone call or alert Scott to his presence.
"We'll be starting the afternoon session soon." Scott said uncomfortably.
"Yes." Virgil agreed again.
"Are you going to join us?"
The look on Virgil's face told Jeff that this idea didn't appeal. "Of course."
"I appreciate that, Virgil. I'm glad you're here with me."
"I said I wouldn't leave you."
"I, uh, I don't deserve your support."
"No you don't." Virgil agreed in a whisper. The words tore at Jeff's heart.
"No I don't" Scott echoed in agreement. "I'm sorry about what I said, you know, about Ma. I didn't mean it."
"I know."
"It must have hurt."
"It did." Virgil said honestly.
A look of anguish flashed over Scott's face. "Please forgive me?" he begged. "I've got no excuse. I was hurting and I wanted someone else to feel the same as I did. You don't deserve that treatment with all you're doing for me. Father would kill me if he knew I'd said that to you... Have you told him?"
"Yes."
Scott paled. "I bet he was livid."
'Tell him Virgil.' Jeff thought. 'Tell him his father is ready to give him such a bawling out, the likes of which he's never had before. Tell him he can't get away with what he said to you."
"He wasn't very happy." Virgil said quietly.
"I'm sure he wasn't."
Virgil glanced at his father's image. Jeff's face was sombre.
"I've made things worse haven't I?" Scott was asking, interpreting Virgil's silence as a signal that their relationship had cooled. "Now you hate me."
"I don't hate you."
"Yes you do. And I don't blame you. I hate me too."
"I don't hate you, Scott."
"Well I do. I hate the way I am, I hate what I've become, I hate the fact that I tried to hurt you. And I especially hate the fact that I succeeded."
There was an uncomfortable silence. Jeff felt a sneeze coming on and pushed the mute button on his videophone. He was just in time.
Gordon breezed in. "Have you seen Alan?" he asked brightly.
"No!" Jeff snapped irritably. "Look Gordon I'm in the middle of an important 'phone call. If you wouldn't mind..."
"Yeah sure." Gordon said cheerfully, not minding his fathers sour mood. "I'll go see if he's in the hanger." He ambled out of the room.
Jeff turned his attention back to the video image on the phone in front of him. Nothing had changed.
"Why is everything so hard, Virgil?" Scott suddenly asked. "I used to be able to do everything so easily, and now..."
***
They hadn't yet hit rock bottom.
When they did, it would be painful for them both.
***
Over the past two weeks Virgil had discovered that he had three outlets for when things got too much for him. Drawing, playing the piano and calling home.
The past few days the third option had become a lifeline.
The call he made at lunchtime on day 14 had been after an especially trying morning.
Jeff Tracy answered the phone with a smile. Unfortunately Virgil hadn't been able to return the gesture.
"What's wrong son?"
Virgil looked as devastated as he had been when they'd first learnt that Scott's condition was permanent. "Nothing." He said quietly. "I just wanted to say hi."
"Was it a tough morning?"
Virgil nodded. "He's getting angrier and angrier and more and more frustrated."
"And he's taking it out on you?"
"It's what I'm here for."
"No you're not. You're there to help him. What did he do?"
"Nothing."
This was going to be as hard as getting blood from a stone. "What did he say, Virgil?"
"It doesn't matter."
Jeff was glad that none of his other sons were in the room at the moment. "Come on Virgil." He said gently. "Tell me."
Virgil hesitated. He looked to be on the brink of tears. "I'm being over-sensitive."
Jeff waited. Virgil clearly wanted to share what was worrying him, hence the phone call. But something was holding him back. Jeff waited patiently.
"He said that he was glad that he'd lost his sight."
This was a surprise. "Why?"
Virgil swallowed. What he was about to say would probably hurt his father too. "Because it meant that he didn't have to look at me and be reminded of Ma, and remember that it was my fault that she was killed."
Jeff cringed inwardly. Of all the things to come out with, this was the worst. Insult one of Virgil's paintings and he would have passed it off as being a comment from someone who didn't understand what he was trying to express. Make a negative comment about his music and Virgil would have assumed that you didn't have a musical ear. Doubt his sexuality (as had happened occasionally in the past) and he would have laughed and offered you the phone numbers of several girls who would have said otherwise. Say he'd failed during a rescue and he would have agreed and worked to make sure the error didn't happen again.
Nothing upset Virgil and yet Scott had managed to hit on the one nerve that was raw. As he no doubt had meant to.
He could now understand why Virgil looked so devastated. "The accident wasn't your fault, Virgil. We've discussed this."
"I know. I also know that he didn't mean it. It's not so much that he said it, it's that he even thought of it to say it!" He grimaced. "I'm not making myself very clear."
"Don't worry, you're clear enough." Jeff was grim faced. "I don't care how badly he's feeling, he has no right to talk to you like that. Maybe I should come out there and you could come home..."
He was not surprised when Virgil dismissed this suggestion. "No it's okay. With any luck we've hit rock bottom and things will start getting better."
They were both silent for a moment.
The connecting door opened and Scott entered the room hesitantly. "Are you in here, Virgil?"
Virgil wiped his eyes and tried to get his emotions under control. When he spoke his voice was nearly normal, if slightly cool. "Yeah I'm here. What can I do for you?" He didn't tell his brother that their father was on the phone.
Scott's ears picked up on the fact that Virgil's voice was only nearly normal. "I, uh, you didn't come down to lunch."
"I didn't feel like having anything." Virgil admitted.
"Rough morning."
"Yeah." Virgil agreed.
There was silence during which Jeff wondered if he should disconnect the phone call or alert Scott to his presence.
"We'll be starting the afternoon session soon." Scott said uncomfortably.
"Yes." Virgil agreed again.
"Are you going to join us?"
The look on Virgil's face told Jeff that this idea didn't appeal. "Of course."
"I appreciate that, Virgil. I'm glad you're here with me."
"I said I wouldn't leave you."
"I, uh, I don't deserve your support."
"No you don't." Virgil agreed in a whisper. The words tore at Jeff's heart.
"No I don't" Scott echoed in agreement. "I'm sorry about what I said, you know, about Ma. I didn't mean it."
"I know."
"It must have hurt."
"It did." Virgil said honestly.
A look of anguish flashed over Scott's face. "Please forgive me?" he begged. "I've got no excuse. I was hurting and I wanted someone else to feel the same as I did. You don't deserve that treatment with all you're doing for me. Father would kill me if he knew I'd said that to you... Have you told him?"
"Yes."
Scott paled. "I bet he was livid."
'Tell him Virgil.' Jeff thought. 'Tell him his father is ready to give him such a bawling out, the likes of which he's never had before. Tell him he can't get away with what he said to you."
"He wasn't very happy." Virgil said quietly.
"I'm sure he wasn't."
Virgil glanced at his father's image. Jeff's face was sombre.
"I've made things worse haven't I?" Scott was asking, interpreting Virgil's silence as a signal that their relationship had cooled. "Now you hate me."
"I don't hate you."
"Yes you do. And I don't blame you. I hate me too."
"I don't hate you, Scott."
"Well I do. I hate the way I am, I hate what I've become, I hate the fact that I tried to hurt you. And I especially hate the fact that I succeeded."
There was an uncomfortable silence. Jeff felt a sneeze coming on and pushed the mute button on his videophone. He was just in time.
Gordon breezed in. "Have you seen Alan?" he asked brightly.
"No!" Jeff snapped irritably. "Look Gordon I'm in the middle of an important 'phone call. If you wouldn't mind..."
"Yeah sure." Gordon said cheerfully, not minding his fathers sour mood. "I'll go see if he's in the hanger." He ambled out of the room.
Jeff turned his attention back to the video image on the phone in front of him. Nothing had changed.
"Why is everything so hard, Virgil?" Scott suddenly asked. "I used to be able to do everything so easily, and now..."
***
They hadn't yet hit rock bottom.
When they did, it would be painful for them both.
***