Disclaimer: They're not mine, I don't own them, I don't want them. *pause* okay, so that last part was a lie.
Rating: PG-13 (Language)
Title: All I Know
Author: Jae Cody
So what if I told you that I don't know how this is going to end? Pretty sad for someone who pretends to know everything. But you know that I don't. I sure know I don't. And everyone one else…well, they're the ones I'm trying to convince. I mean, it's all just a big game anyway. If I really believed that I knew everything then I could probably make you believe. But I don't. Hell, I don't believe in anything anymore. Anything you try to believe in will just inevitably change. Anyone you have faith in will eventually let you down. That's just the way life is.
You know the doc said that I should have more confidence in myself. I dunno when it was…a few weeks ago. It was after that whole ordeal when everyone got locked out of his or her stations. Even though I was just running a routine systems-check that had nothing to do with that, everyone still blamed me. Even though you said you believed me when I told you I hadn't done it, I knew you didn't. I could see it in your face. The crew just assumed it was the inexperienced teenager on board, messing with stuff he couldn't handle.
When I get pissed off because you won't stop pushing me, you ask why it always seems like I'm trying to prove myself. Well damn it, what kind of a choice do I have? For every hundred good things I do, all it takes is one tiny thing to mess everything up. And then all my efforts, everything that I have tried so hard achieve, even a tiny hint that I might not have screwed things up for once…it was all for nothing. It's no wonder I don't have confidence in myself. No one believes in me, so why should I believe in myself. The senior staff doesn't care. No matter what they tell you or how they are when you're around, they don't. They try to act like care, but it's just another lie. You probably tell them to try and help me out, give me pointers, baby-sit me like some freaking five-year-old. I know that whenever I'm not there, they're laughing.
What kind of a kid that graduated college before they would have finished high school gets stuck on a submarine? The kind of kid whose mother doesn't give a shit and whose father hates him, that's who. They didn't need any more embarrassment. Self confidence. What a load of crap. The doc probably just wanted to feel like she was making a difference in some kid's life. I'm not a charity case. I don't need a pep rally. I know I'm a failure. If she can't see that then she's blind. I guess she has nothing better to do with her time than to waste it on me. And you- you're a different story all together. Whenever I think I've figured out your motivation in all this, I get surprised again.
I don't know why you keep me around. I know Dad pulled strings to get me here and Noyce is trying to make everything work out, but seriously. If you had wanted me off, all you had to do was say something. You have enough power in the UEO to get just about anything. I know you don't believe that "disciplinary problem" shit, though I give everyone on this boat enough grief to make it seem plausible. It's not easy for me though. Not by a long shot. But there are days that I wonder if you know. The way you'll look at me for a second longer than usual; that gaze that I fear pierces through my walls. The way I feel vulnerable to things you say no matter how hard I try not to care. The slight hope that I have that you might not hate me if you did know- sometimes that's enough to make me want to try harder. Sometimes it's enough that I don't wake up hating the fact that I'm still breathing. Sometimes…it makes me think I could still have faith in someone.
But right now I don't know how long that faith will last because it's only a matter of time before those guys come back. Ford's already been shot and God knows what they're doing to Katie. Miguel has been unconscious for hours. No one has a watch since they took all our gear and I'm no doctor, but I know at least *he* needs medical attention soon. The way things are looking, it's not likely we're going to make it out of this alive. If you were here I know that you would know what to do. None of us have any more ideas though. The last one…well, it didn't turn out so good. No one knows where you are or even if you're still alive. I'll probably never get to tell you this, but I wish you were here. I wish I could tell you everything that has gone through my head in the last few minutes, hours…in the months since I came onboard.
If we do get through this, the first thing I want to tell everyone is that I'm sorry. I swear I didn't know these guys weren't UEO. Neither did Ben. It's not his fault. They looked like normal specialists, just like the last time we had a wet dock team come on board. If I hadn't insisted on the upgrade, none of this would have happened. It's my fault, if someone has to take the blame for it all, let me. Jonathan wanted me to come sit with him and Miguel and Tim, but I couldn't. I couldn't look them in the eyes knowing that if I had just waited another three weeks, none of this would have happened.
One of the guys, the second in command from what I guessed when they first took over, looked familiar. Like a guy that my dad used to meet with on weekends. They would always talk in the study and I never knew what it was about. I didn't like him though, even when I was a kid. He had black eyes. Cold, bottomless, black eyes. Like Dad's got when he…well, never mind. When he looked at me as he was standing there and Zirdain was talking, I knew. I knew that there was no way this was going to end up okay. And so far, that's all I know. So much for the genius IQ, huh?