Sixty Eight - BF
Thunderbird Two was well into the trip home.
"I don't know how I could have come to have left my pack open." Gordon apologised. "I don't even remember opening it. I'm sorry Scott."
"Don't worry about it Gordon. We made it out safely, that's all that matters at the moment."
"But I still feel bad. What if it happens again?"
"It won't. I'm sure it won't." Scott reassured him.
"I don't know how you managed to cope at Regnad." Gordon said. "I mean you were blind and trapped. At least we knew how to get out back there."
"Yes but don't forget I had Virgil with me and he could see where we were going and he was able to guide and protect me. You had to rely on me giving you directions almost remotely. I know how important that human touch can be and how frightening it is when you lose it. That's when you start to panic."
"But you didn't panic... Did you?" Gordon was amazed at this admission.
Scott was nodding. "When Virgil was unconscious I just lost it. I felt totally isolated. And helpless. Really helpless. And it's not a pleasant feeling is it."
"No." Gordon agreed. "But after you were rescued. When you realised that your blindness was permanent, you managed to cope okay. Didn't you?"
Scott was shaking his head now. "Not at first. I just wanted to give up. That first morning in rehab I was determined that I was going to stay in bed all my life. Stay where I was safe. It was only when Father told me that one of the male nurses would come and dress me that I thought I should try to retain some dignity. Say Virgil?" he addressed the general direction of the pilots seat. "Did you ever meet 'Butch'?"
"Yes I did. Why? He wasn't the one who was going to get you up was he?" Virgil started to laugh.
"Yes." Scott said slowly. "Why are you laughing?"
"You obviously never met him. He's lucky if he's five foot tall and he's as thin as a rail. You floored me with your punch, if you'd hit him you would have sent him sailing into the next county. Mind you your fist probably would have sailed over his head anyway."
"I was duped." Scott was amazed.
"I don't know." Virgil said. "He didn't stand any nonsense. He would have got you up somehow. Probably with a jack and a crane."
"So why did you hit Virgil?" Gordon asked the logical question.
"I think..." Scott said slowly, "that I was punishing him for not letting me die, for ensuring that I was going to have to put up with emotional pain for the rest of my life."
"Oh well. As long as there was a logical reason for it." Virgil said lightly. "I'm glad you didn't hit me for no good reason."
"Sorry Virgil."
"Don't start that again. You've already apologised and I've forgiven you."
"Emotional pain?" Gordon asked, curious.
"Yeah. Those first three weeks I seemed to feel nothing but pain. Aside from the physical pain of my burned face and the bruises and grazes I kept on getting, there was the pain of not being in control. And the pain of not seeing any future for myself. I was a pilot and here I was unable to fly..."
"You proved yourself wrong there." Gordon noted.
"Yes I did, didn't I." Scott sounded surprised at the realisation. "And I thought I was useless to International Rescue. All I could see myself doing was being hidden away on the island being spoon fed by Grandma."
"So how did you cope?" Gordon was intrigued.
"I didn't. I think I rationalised that if I was hurting this much then I should try to hurt others around me. Maybe then, I don't know, I think I thought that perhaps I could transfer some of my pain to someone else. Or else I reasoned that if I was feeling this bad then why shouldn't everyone else. I wasn't good company then, was I Virgil."
"No." Virgil said. The humour had gone from his voice.
"I don't know how, or why, you stuck it out."
"I promised you I wouldn't leave you." Virgil reminded him in a monotone.
"So how bad did it get?" Gordon asked. "It must have been pretty bad if hitting Virgil was an option."
"I did worse than that." Scott said quietly.
A slight jolt rocked Thunderbird Two.
Scott felt it.
Gordon didn't. "Worse? What was worse than that?"
Scott suddenly wished that he hadn't suggested having this conversation onboard Thunderbird Two. It would have been better if he'd left it till they'd reached home and then he and Gordon could have talked in private. Virgil, he knew, was listening to every word. "Did I ever apologise to you Virgil?"
"Many times." Virgil said flatly.
"Did you ever forgive me?"
There was a moment of ominous silence. "No."
"Huh?" Gordon's eyes were wide with curiosity. "What did you do?"
"I, uh, I can't remember." Scott lied.
"Can't you, Scott?" Gordon was astounded by the bitterness in his brother's voice. "Do you want me to remind you?"
"No."
Gordon continued to look at his oldest brother, his eyes still wide. Scott had managed to antagonise Virgil? He struggled with the idea. Scott's expression was a mixture of desperation and disbelief.
"For your information, Gordon, and yours, Scott. I can remember exactly what you said. Every single vile word."
"Virgil, don't..." Scott begged. "I didn't mean..."
"'I hate you Virgil. I hate you because you killed Ma. She died knowing you killed her.' That's what you said. You also said. 'I'm glad I can't see you. You look so much like her that every time I saw you I remembered her and how you killed her. And now I don't have to look at you!' That's what you said Scott! Do you remember now?!"
"I remember." Scott said dully. "I'm sorry..."
"Scott!" Gordon exclaimed alarmed by the sudden tension in the cockpit. "Virgil!"
It was as if his brothers weren't aware that he was there.
"How do you think that made me feel?" Virgil asked venomously. "I was trying to help you, Scott, and that's all you can say to me! How you hated me? Well right now the feeling's mutual."
"Virgil..." Scott said weakly. "I didn't mean it."
Gordon was relieved to see the peak of Tracy Island swing briefly into view through the cabin windows.
***
Thunderbird Two was well into the trip home.
"I don't know how I could have come to have left my pack open." Gordon apologised. "I don't even remember opening it. I'm sorry Scott."
"Don't worry about it Gordon. We made it out safely, that's all that matters at the moment."
"But I still feel bad. What if it happens again?"
"It won't. I'm sure it won't." Scott reassured him.
"I don't know how you managed to cope at Regnad." Gordon said. "I mean you were blind and trapped. At least we knew how to get out back there."
"Yes but don't forget I had Virgil with me and he could see where we were going and he was able to guide and protect me. You had to rely on me giving you directions almost remotely. I know how important that human touch can be and how frightening it is when you lose it. That's when you start to panic."
"But you didn't panic... Did you?" Gordon was amazed at this admission.
Scott was nodding. "When Virgil was unconscious I just lost it. I felt totally isolated. And helpless. Really helpless. And it's not a pleasant feeling is it."
"No." Gordon agreed. "But after you were rescued. When you realised that your blindness was permanent, you managed to cope okay. Didn't you?"
Scott was shaking his head now. "Not at first. I just wanted to give up. That first morning in rehab I was determined that I was going to stay in bed all my life. Stay where I was safe. It was only when Father told me that one of the male nurses would come and dress me that I thought I should try to retain some dignity. Say Virgil?" he addressed the general direction of the pilots seat. "Did you ever meet 'Butch'?"
"Yes I did. Why? He wasn't the one who was going to get you up was he?" Virgil started to laugh.
"Yes." Scott said slowly. "Why are you laughing?"
"You obviously never met him. He's lucky if he's five foot tall and he's as thin as a rail. You floored me with your punch, if you'd hit him you would have sent him sailing into the next county. Mind you your fist probably would have sailed over his head anyway."
"I was duped." Scott was amazed.
"I don't know." Virgil said. "He didn't stand any nonsense. He would have got you up somehow. Probably with a jack and a crane."
"So why did you hit Virgil?" Gordon asked the logical question.
"I think..." Scott said slowly, "that I was punishing him for not letting me die, for ensuring that I was going to have to put up with emotional pain for the rest of my life."
"Oh well. As long as there was a logical reason for it." Virgil said lightly. "I'm glad you didn't hit me for no good reason."
"Sorry Virgil."
"Don't start that again. You've already apologised and I've forgiven you."
"Emotional pain?" Gordon asked, curious.
"Yeah. Those first three weeks I seemed to feel nothing but pain. Aside from the physical pain of my burned face and the bruises and grazes I kept on getting, there was the pain of not being in control. And the pain of not seeing any future for myself. I was a pilot and here I was unable to fly..."
"You proved yourself wrong there." Gordon noted.
"Yes I did, didn't I." Scott sounded surprised at the realisation. "And I thought I was useless to International Rescue. All I could see myself doing was being hidden away on the island being spoon fed by Grandma."
"So how did you cope?" Gordon was intrigued.
"I didn't. I think I rationalised that if I was hurting this much then I should try to hurt others around me. Maybe then, I don't know, I think I thought that perhaps I could transfer some of my pain to someone else. Or else I reasoned that if I was feeling this bad then why shouldn't everyone else. I wasn't good company then, was I Virgil."
"No." Virgil said. The humour had gone from his voice.
"I don't know how, or why, you stuck it out."
"I promised you I wouldn't leave you." Virgil reminded him in a monotone.
"So how bad did it get?" Gordon asked. "It must have been pretty bad if hitting Virgil was an option."
"I did worse than that." Scott said quietly.
A slight jolt rocked Thunderbird Two.
Scott felt it.
Gordon didn't. "Worse? What was worse than that?"
Scott suddenly wished that he hadn't suggested having this conversation onboard Thunderbird Two. It would have been better if he'd left it till they'd reached home and then he and Gordon could have talked in private. Virgil, he knew, was listening to every word. "Did I ever apologise to you Virgil?"
"Many times." Virgil said flatly.
"Did you ever forgive me?"
There was a moment of ominous silence. "No."
"Huh?" Gordon's eyes were wide with curiosity. "What did you do?"
"I, uh, I can't remember." Scott lied.
"Can't you, Scott?" Gordon was astounded by the bitterness in his brother's voice. "Do you want me to remind you?"
"No."
Gordon continued to look at his oldest brother, his eyes still wide. Scott had managed to antagonise Virgil? He struggled with the idea. Scott's expression was a mixture of desperation and disbelief.
"For your information, Gordon, and yours, Scott. I can remember exactly what you said. Every single vile word."
"Virgil, don't..." Scott begged. "I didn't mean..."
"'I hate you Virgil. I hate you because you killed Ma. She died knowing you killed her.' That's what you said. You also said. 'I'm glad I can't see you. You look so much like her that every time I saw you I remembered her and how you killed her. And now I don't have to look at you!' That's what you said Scott! Do you remember now?!"
"I remember." Scott said dully. "I'm sorry..."
"Scott!" Gordon exclaimed alarmed by the sudden tension in the cockpit. "Virgil!"
It was as if his brothers weren't aware that he was there.
"How do you think that made me feel?" Virgil asked venomously. "I was trying to help you, Scott, and that's all you can say to me! How you hated me? Well right now the feeling's mutual."
"Virgil..." Scott said weakly. "I didn't mean it."
Gordon was relieved to see the peak of Tracy Island swing briefly into view through the cabin windows.
***