Lost
Seattle
Parker's residence…
"We've been expecting you." The man in the window said.
"Are you Parker?" Max asked. She had never seen the man before and didn't know for sure.
"What if I am? You're going to try and kill me anyway." He said. "So, what does it matter who I am?"
"It always matters." She said. "If you're Colonel Parker, then you have to answer some questions. If you're not, then you're a decoy and I'm going to kill even more people trying to get out of here."
"That is what you transgenics were created for." He said. He stared out into the darkness of the yard, watching the bouncy glow of lights on the lake. "It's what you do best. I understand you know nothing else, but how to kill quickly and efficiently."
The words bit deep into Max. She had tried so hard to get away from such things and hearing them tossed back at her so lightly was painful.
"We can do other things." Max said. Her voice was strong, but there was a hint of sadness in it. "Are you Parker?"
"No." The man said. "He's gone. He left us here to wait for your assault. Not you personally, of course. We figured one of Eyes Only's people would come. We never expected to see the greatest of all transgenics in person. I am honored that you have come." Sarcasm dripped from his voice.
"Who are you?" Max demanded.
"My name is Geoff Bentler. I run security for Colonel Parker. I was his 2IC in the Balkans." The man said. He held out his hand expecting Max to shake it. He smiled and nodded when she didn't. "I suppose you have questions?"
"Where is Parker?"
"He's not here. He's up on our base making preparations for the coming siege."
"What siege?" Max asked.
"The Siege of Seattle, of course," he smiled. "We have to control this entire city. Exterminating vermin such as your kind requires it. Afterwards, we will have established ourselves here and can use this city and its resources as a base of operation for the coming war."
"You realize of course that Eyes Only will never let that happen." Max stated the words with pride. "This is his city."
"Do you think a hundred or so Transgenics will stop us?" Bentler asked. "We have an army the likes of which only the gods have ever seen!" He was practically laughing. He moved away from the window and toward his desk momentarily turning his back to Max. It was a fatal mistake.
She moved quick, grabbing his head, yanking it back and to the side before letting the body fall to the floor. She had enough information to go on. Now, though, she had to find a way off of the grounds and that wouldn't be easy knowing she had been expected.
A few minutes later, she was out the door and into the nearest void seeking only to find a way out. It quickly became evident that she would not get off the grounds without a fight. As she approached the hall, she noticed a woman leaning over the body of one of the guards Max had dropped on the way in.
The woman reached around behind her for her radio. Max couldn't let her make that call. She moved along the wall quickly and stopped behind the woman. The woman was oblivious to all movement as she concentrated on the settings on her radio.
The shadow moved behind her. She didn't notice the small leather clad hands reach out for her. When she felt the fingers close around her chin and pull, she was already gone. The guards body slumped to the floor as the slim shadow, wrapped in black of her own stepped from the edge and into the darkness of the room.
Max moved slowly, silently toward the next room. Two guards were there watching a television… something designed for those who had the time and inclination for such things. Several people were on stage trying to win the big prize. Questions were being asked. Both guards died silently still sitting in front of the television, the couch, their final resting place.
She held no thought in her mind. She carried no feeling or intent other than the kill. Parker was not here. His 2IC had been and he foolishly answered her questions before he died, before he realized what had happened. She had assumed that since he was part of the cult that his men would be as well. Most weren't. Most were ordinary. All were fools.
The inside was easy. There were a limited number of guards inside. She even found the rooms where the girls had been kept. An older woman, late twenties, face drawn and hard, stepped forward when she walked in. She explained the situation to the older girl. They would wait for one hour and then leave. Max directed them to a safe house in sector nine and told them someone would be by to help the following morning. The older girl nodded and the leather clad soldier left.
It wasn't much, but it would have to be enough.
She moved up to the small third floor chamber trying to get outside to survey the area. It was an easy task and the shadows were cooperative as usual welcoming her into them. She climbed out onto the roof to voices of two men sharing a zippo light. Smoke curled and disappeared in the slight breeze. She slipped into a nearby shadow and waited.
"They say it's going to go down soon." One of the guards said.
"That's what I hear." The other one answered. "The buildup will be more than enough to control a few hundred or so of the freaks."
"Ya think?" The first one asked with a laugh. "I mean, have you seen these soldiers they are bringing in?"
"I was watching them train the other day. They beat on each other with those weapons and don't even flinch. It's like they don't feel anything."
"Yeah," the first one mumbled. "It's freaky… I'm going to walk the perimeter and check the grounds. I'll catch ya on the other side."
"Right," the second one agreed. "Can't have the bosses stuff infiltrated." He snickers. "Wouldn't be right to let them get to his precious harem downstairs…"
He turned and started to walk in the opposite direction of his comrade. He didn't get four steps before he found himself lost to the darkness. His partner didn't get much further before he felt the leather grip of iron around his throat and his darkness came as well.
She crouched, heading along the edge of the roof to the northeast corner until she was standing over the two floodlights pointing in opposite directions, leaving a dark void in the center. It would be enough to hide her when she needed to get to the ground.
She continued her crouched recon from the roof marking the remaining eighteen soldiers guarding the outside of Parker's house. Some were female, but most were male and all but two were ordinary. She could tell for some reason. It was a feeling, but she knew the two conversing on the patio earlier were Phalanx. She would have to take them out first or they would start to question the missing guards outside the grounds before she was finished making them disappear. She would have to be quick and get it right the first time. It would require precision movement and timing. Drop between when they weren't looking at each other and take the chance.
She moved across the roof toward the patio around the back. The glow of the outdoor pool gave off an eerie blue-green glow. A light rain began to fall. She could hear their voices talking about irrelevant things. Her mind was completely blank as she pulled herself to the very edge. She waited.
She didn't have to wait long. The big man turned and with a nod to the woman, started to walk away. The woman stood there staring out over the pool watching the grounds with a well trained eye.
She dropped behind the female guard catching her neck and pulling the woman to an impossible angle as she dropped into a crouch, snapping her neck and setting the dead body on the ground. The man stopped as if to turn, but she phased across the short distance and grabbed his head in a vice like grip. The hideous pop of the vertebrae seemed to echo across the surface of the water between the two buildings as she dropped the man's body to the ground.
Behind her, but far enough into the yard, two men were approaching, They had almost reached the perimeter of their security pattern and without looking at the patio, they curved back along the edge of the tree lined yard continuing out of view of the two bodies. She grabbed the bodies by their collars and dragged them behind some furniture near the patio door.
She stepped out and headed for the east grounds where the tiered garden was. It would provide plenty of cover for her as she picked off the remaining guards one by one.
How proud would Colonel Lydecker be if he knew what she was doing right now? How much excitement would he feel knowing that she was out here, killing? Her stomach lurched with the thought. She didn't want to think about it, but she couldn't help herself as she moved through shadow after comfortable shadow dropping one guard here, two there. Another crumbled at her feet, still twitching as she reached out from the darkness to drag yet another unsuspecting victim to the shadows, to their death.
Her thoughts, which should not have been existent at all, were solely on Colonel Donald Lydecker. He had made her do this. He had brought her to this point. He had won after all. He found the trigger. Maybe he had always known it. Maybe he had understood her better than she thought or believed he did. The Colonel took the one thing that kept her grounded and centered. He took the one thing in this world she held above all else in her life. He took Logan away from her. This put here right where he wanted her. It turned her into that which she feared, hated most. It made her the perfect soldier Lydecker had always wanted. He got what he wanted, and for that, she swore as she snapped another guards neck without thought for the victim she just killed, Lydecker would die by her hand alone and no other.
"I just wanted you kids to know and reach your full potential." He had said to her once. She had reached that potential here tonight. She had become the killer, the assassin he had tried to make them all become. She had willingly chosen this path and she wasn't sure she would ever be able to return to what had been before.
"Team four, report," a guard said. "Team six…" He said again. "Anyone?" He pleaded.
A second passed in which she wanted to give away her position. She wanted him to go running to Parker and tell him that a girl had destroyed his home. She wanted to send a messenger and tell Parker that she was on her way and that she was coming for him.
"Team two! Team three!" The guards said again.
She wanted to tell someone how much she hated herself at this very moment.
"Lt. Bentler?" The man asked, sounding more like a lost child now. "Anyone…"
As she prepared to reach out of the shadows and take the last guard into them with her, a movement caught her eye and she noticed a Manticore hand signal from the trees as a transgenic soldier dashed between some shadows on the far side of the yard. They had seen the bodies. They knew what had happened here.
She paused only for a second before reaching out and drawing the young guard back into the shadows with her. The pop of his third vertebra was muffled by her arm. She felt it radiate through her arm. It ripped into the core of her own being and she knew, instantly that she was broken now as well.
With a last glance to the team of transgenics now checking the grounds, she stayed in shadow and retreated from the yard, toward the waterfront. They would find the women and take them out of here. They would do the right thing. The older girl in the room would tell them what she said. They would take her out of here.
Eventually, she found her way back to the Fogle Towers garage. Her bike sat next to the Aztek. Jondy had taken hers out when she and OC had gone looking for her. Max had only one place to go now. She couldn't return to the penthouse. She couldn't go to OC's, her old apartment. She couldn't go to the cabin because Jondy had been there. She had to disappear and there was only one way to do that.
She had to become non-existent.
She had to run away.
St. Louis
Bus Station…
Zack looked at Eva. She seemed comfortable in this world. It appeared that she didn't have any problems dealing with the everyday aspects of being a specialized soldier in a broken world.
"Ask me anything, Zack. I'll answer any questions you have." She said. They had just passed through a back entrance to the terminal. Several people saw them come in, but no one said anything.
"I don't really have questions. It's just that you seem comfortable living like this. Aren't you worried that someone might come looking for you?"
"The only people that are going to come looking for me are other transgenics. The cult doesn't know where I am. I doubt they even know that I exist. I was on a deep cover mission when Manticore fell. No one knows where I was or who I was at the time. Only if someone in the government found out I was an Eyes Only source would anyone really try to find me and believe me, no one in the government could actually track me down. That would mean they got through Eyes Only security and that is never going to happen. Only Maxie was better at escape and evade than I was."
"What was the mission?" Zack asked.
"I was trying to find someone…" Eva said.
"Trying to find…" Zack pushed.
"I had been sent out to identify Eyes Only. I was sent to terminate his command." Eva did not seem to be proud of the fact. "Instead of proceeding with the termination, I became an informant."
"Why?" Zack asked. "I don't understand. You had a mission, why not finish it?"
"Why finish a mission when the people that sent me on it were no longer alive?" Eva asked. "I was left with a situation that demanded I follow through for people that were no more or redeploy and find a better life. A life of my own…" She said. "With Manticore, I would have been locked in a cell until I was needed, occasionally going outside to train or shoot or practice my evasion techniques…"
Zack stopped dead in his tracks and stared off into the distance. Eva quickly scanned the direction Zack was staring but there wasn't much in their line of sight.
"Escape and evade. We used to play this game back in Manticore." Max said.
"You were always good at it." Zack answered before leaning back in his seat.
"You okay?" She asked. She looked at the man driving the vehicle. His name was Logan. Zack couldn't see his legs. He just seemed to be stuck in the seat.
"I'm fine... I just, didn't get any sleep." He answered Max.
"Zack," Eva said his name. He stared straight ahead. "Zack," she shouted.
"South Market," Zack whispered.
"What?" Eva asked. "What are you talking about?"
"Logan. His name is Logan. I remember him now. He's the one… he was with…"
"Zack, you're not making a helluva a lot of sense right now." Eva said. "What about Logan and where is South Market?"
"I don't know." Zack said. "It's confusing. I remember being in a car with Max and Logan. Logan and I had gone to South Market because Maxie needed our help."
"So South Market is in Seattle. Why did Maxie need your help? Was she in trouble?"
"I don't remember, but we were in Logan's car for a long ride. He took us somewhere, but I don't know where. I don't remember where." Zack looked down at the ground. "I don't remember much of anything." The defeated tone he used was more than adequate to worry Eva.
"Look, Zack," she started. "I'll help you get through this. When the others get here, maybe some other memories will come back to you."
"Maybe…" He mumbled the word, but his eyes were now focusing on something. Eva again looked in the direction he was looking. There was the man they had come to find. Only he was surrounded by several officers.
"Trouble," Eva said.
"I see it." Zack said. "We need a plan."
"No time. They are taking him away." Eva pointed toward the paddy wagon they were walking toward. "If they take him out of here, we may never see him again and then we loose the only link Max has to Colonel Lydecker.
"We have to track that van." Zack said.
"Bikes," Eva pointed again, this time to a pair of bike messengers that were heading into a building. "We can follow the van at a discreet distance."
"I don't have a sector pass." Zack said.
"Don't worry about that. We'll just wait for them outside of the sector and take their bikes there. The local lockup is only two sectors over. We should be able to get to the van in the next sector and retrieve the doctor before they get him to the station."
"Sounds like a plan. I'll meet you on the outside. You should go through the checkpoint and wait for them there. You can get to them if they get out before I get around the sector." Zack said. He disappeared into the crowd almost instantly. Eva tried to locate him, but he was already gone. She went to the line at the sector gate and pulled her all-sector pass from Eyes Only and waited in line. Just before she checked through, she noticed the bike messengers leaving the bus terminal and saw the police van pulling up to the gate and checking their sheet against the station guards. She would be through about the same time the truck passed.
Outside the sector checkpoint, she watched the van pull over and wait for something. There was no reason for it, but it sat there for almost fifteen minutes. Zack was already around the perimeter and standing beside her as they waited for something to happen. Nothing did. The van just sat there. The messengers had long been forgotten.
"We should move." Zack said.
"No." Eva answered. "Something's not right. There's something going on here."
"They are probably interrogating the prisoner." Zack said. "I would be doing it during the drive personally, but I'm not in charge."
Eva looked at him with a sidelong glance that read volumes. Zack looked back at her. She smiled. "What?" He asked.
"That's just such a Zack thing to say." Eva answered. "Are you sure you're not remembering things?"
Zack didn't answer. The van started to drive off and Eva and Zack were off after it. They ran to the corner where the van turned to another street seemingly circling. Zack pointed and they ran toward a biker just getting onto his rice burner. At least, he tried to get onto the bike, Zack threw him into the wall ten feet behind them, mumbling something about official business and climbed on.
Eva grabbed a hold of Zack's waist and Zack took off like an old pro. "It's not a Ducati, but it's got some power." He hollered over his shoulder as they sped around the bend following after the van, narrowly missing an oncoming car.
The chase ran about four more blocks before the van pulled into an old parking garage. Zack and Eva ditched the bike and took the steps on the far side of the garage, following the van to the top of the eight story carport. The top, mostly deserted at this late afternoon hour was open and provided little cover, but Zack and Eva managed to get closer without being seen.
"How do you want to do this?" Eva asked.
"Why are you asking me?" Zack questioned her. His face was a stone, but she could tell he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing.
"You're the CO if I remember correctly." Eva said. "You lost this guy, so it's on you to get him back." She smiled.
"Yeah, right," Zack said. "CO my ass. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. It's your call."
"Okay. You have a point there." Eva almost laughed. "It looks like their waiting for something. Maybe a chopper to pick this guy up, so we have to act fast…" She suggested, but it was already too late. A large, black chopper arced toward their location from the riverfront. They dove for cover underneath an abandoned vehicle just as the chopper slowed and dropped smoothly toward the pavement landing in the open area at the top of the platform.
"It's good to see you, again." The greasy little doctor said. "Guess who I ran into today." He laughed.
"You can brief me later." Another man said. "It's time to come in from the cold. We need you on Moreau."
Zack heard the gasp from Eva when she heard the second man's voice. He looked over at her, but he couldn't place the voice just then.
"Moreau?" The Doc asked. "Are you serious?"
"Yes." The man said. "We are going ahead as planned and we need you to resume your duties out there."
Zack nudged Eva and nodded in the direction of the conversation. "That voice." He said. He remembered now. He could hear the tone and the control, and he could hear that almost lock jawed delivery of each meticulous sentence. "I know that voice." He said. It was a voice he never thought he could forget.
"Yes." Eva said. "We aren't even remotely prepared for this."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Colonel, but before we leave Seattle, there are some things you need to know." The greasy Doctor said. His voice trailed off as the chopper fired up its system and lifted off the highest level of the garage.
When Eva and Zack pulled themselves out from the cover of the abandoned car, they looked around cautiously before realizing they were completely alone. "Let's check the van." Eva said.
"Why?" Zack asked.
"It's the only lead we have right now." She answered. "I'm sorry Maxie." She said. Zack looked at her with a sidelong glance, wondering why she was giving into emotion like that.
"We'll find him." His voice said, stunning him as much as it stunned Eva. "If that truly was Colonel Lydecker then we'll find him."
"How do you propose we do that?" Eva asked. "We don't even know where that chopper went."
"We'll use bait the Colonel can't resist."
The Conclave
Mess Hall entrance…
Jack walked along the corridor toward the mess hall. He sensed Bob following him before the man was even close to catching up with him. Maybe he was just aware of the time. It had been almost 24 hours after all. He knew Bob was aware of his knowledge of the resistance, but he was not certain how Bob would react to it.
"JACK!" Bob called in the deserted hall. "Jack, slow down." Bob ran up beside Jack and matched his pace stride for stride. Almost in a military fashion, their steps sounded in dull muffled thumps as they walked. Neither man spoke through most of the walk, but as they approached the cafeteria level, Bob finally broke the uncomfortable silence. "So where do we go from here?"
"That's up to you." Jack said.
"What is?" Bob asked. He stepped in front of Jack, risking the man's wrath a second time. "Why is it up to me?" Bob demanded.
"Because you're in deep, and you hate what White and his radical faction are doing as much as I do." Jack explained. "I can help you."
"How?" Bob asked. "How can you help me?"
"I'm the best programmer and researcher in this place." Jack said.
"You know that for sure, do you?" Bob laughed. Jack reached into his robes and pulled out a sheet of paper. He handed it to Bob and stepped around the man, heading into the mess hall.
"I'm hungry." Jack said. "You know what you have to do."
"What's to stop me from turning this over to them? They won't like that you have this?" He obviously hadn't read it. He didn't see his name on the top of the list.
"I'm very sure you wouldn't want White and the High Priestess finding out about any of this. You've got two factions here striving toward the same goal. I don't mind the sound of that goal, but exterminating four billion people world wide, that's a little extreme, don't you think?" Jack said. "I realize this page is kind of trivial and all, but I like your plan better than theirs. At least everyone doesn't have to die. Let me in or I turn this paper over to White and the priestesses and seek my end in their embrace. I don't want to die, but I'm not going to take any chances here."
"And if you transfer this document, then all of us will. There will be a witch hunt within these walls that will lead to civil war." Bob said. He finally realized what he was holding. He focused on his name and the names of several of his cohorts. "This is the entire upper ranks… how did you get this?"
"It's crude, I know, but still… very effective." Jack said. He entered the mess hall and the quiet roar of hushed voices assaulted his senses.
Bob stuffed the page into his pocket and followed Jack toward the cafeteria line. Neither man spoke as they filled their trays and walked toward a table on the far end of the great hall. When they sat down, Bob spoke only in a whisper.
"Even if I wanted to let you in… there are ways of doing things." Bob said. "You don't just invite yourself into something like this."
"I do." Jack said. "Exposure means civil war. I've done my research. You went underground 2000 years ago because of a civil war. It's taken you this long to rebuild and plan and have some way to act."
"And you think you will make all the difference. You think you are going to save us?" Bob whispered. The sarcasm in his hushed tones was obvious.
"I think I have a unique situation. White came to me. He expects things from me. I can control the flow of information. I can manipulate the information he receives and keep him one step behind you."
"And what exactly do you think will happen to you when White finds out what you're doing?" Bob demanded.
"He won't find out. No one will. I have no fear of White." Jack said.
"Everyone here is afraid of White." Bob said. "He walked the gauntlet and survived. Only one other special breed survived the gauntlet. Only difference between the two was that White chose to do it."
"Who was the other one?"
"We don't speak his name. It is forbidden." Bob said. "It would be wise for you to fear White. Hell, look around you. Do you know how tense he makes everyone? Watch the others when he comes into the lab next time. Watch everyone that comes in contact with him. He's being groomed. Everyone fears him. It was another like him that forced us to start the column in the first place."
"I have no fear of the man." Jack said. "I have information that you don't. I have found information that you could not and I know how to protect it."
"What kind of information?"
"Let me in and find out." Jack said. He stood and left the table grabbing an apple as he walked out of the cafeteria. Bob tucked the sheet of paper into his robes and stared after Jack as he walked out of the large cavernous room.
Jack didn't look back. He just kept walking. If Bob ran up to him now, then everything would fail, but if Bob went to others on the list and talked to them, it would all work out. The situation was out of his hands now. He had drawn his cards and called his friend. He walked out of the cafeteria and could hear some people speaking. A monk and a couple of priestesses were walking toward him.
"It had better be major." The priestess said. Jack looked at her. He was watching her as she and the others with her passed. She stared into his hood as if she could see him in there. She couldn't, but when she stopped in front of him he nodded slightly. He words were familiar to him. His mind was on fire with burning memories that he did not understand.
"Blowing up my pager, it had better be major…" the gypsy girl said only it wasn't the gypsy girl…
"I asked why you are staring at me." The priestess said. Jack shook his head slightly and stepped around her. He continued along the hall, ignoring the priestess behind him still demanding answers. "I am talking to you Brother."
Bob's voice chimed in then. "Brother White has been overworking that particular tech for a few days now. You have to excuse him, he's been somewhat, distracted lately." Bob's voice trailed off, arguing with the priestess over White and why Jack was non-responsive. Jack continued on taking the first three right turns he approached, not paying attention to where he was going.
He did not care about Bob's conversation. He did not care about the priestess. He cared only about his secrets and finding out everything he could about the gypsy girl. She had not come to him in his dreams recently, but she was now speaking to him through others within the catacombs.
"You're going insane…" he started. He was going to say his name, but speaking the name out loud didn't seem right. He was confused. He answered to the name. He was known by the name but somehow it did not seem right to him when he thought it. "You are going insane… Jack." He spoke the name with a sharp snap of his tongue. "Jack. Jack doesn't sound right." He mumbled as he walked.
He looked up realizing that he had been lost in his thoughts while he wandered. This part of the catacombs looked vaguely familiar to him, but he wasn't sure he had ever been here before. This was the medical sector. The infamous labs he had heard about in rumor and innuendo. This place had a stigma about it. This place was evil.
He turned away heading down a corridor, suddenly finding himself in a place with several locked rooms. Iron bars blocked the way and thin slits provided food whenever the keepers remembered. Jack was surprised to find the place unguarded.
He could hear moans, soft groaning and crying in some cells. There was growling in others. Some smelled bad, as if death had visited there. He walked the entire length of the corridor until he came to a curving path sloping upward to the right. He could hear voices above him, guards, bored with their duties. They did not matter to him. However he did not want a confrontation right now. He turned and headed back the way he came.
It was halfway down the hall when she spoke to him. He didn't know who she was. He couldn't see her, but she knew he was there.
"You seem lost little brother." Her tone was one of boredom and her voice was weak from age. Jack didn't know how he could know that, but he did. "Strange times. Strange, strange times." She muttered. "What do you seek?" She asked suddenly.
Jack stopped. He looked along both ends of the corridor. There was no one around. "No one comes little brother. But are you a brother? Are you?" She demanded suddenly.
"Are you speaking to me?" Jack asked.
"Who else is with you?" The woman asked. "Stupid boy doesn't know himself. Can't know others if he doesn't know himself. You must know yourself before you can know others." She cackled like an old witch. Jack was sure that someone could hear it.
"What do you want?"
"What do you want?" The woman asked.
"I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." Jack said. "I'm looking for a way out."
"There is only one way out of here." The woman said. "The girl knows the way out. She will find you and bring you from the fire and then the real challenge will begin. There is only one way out. "
"What are you talking about?" Jack asked. "What girl?"
"She comes from the dream world into reality. Not real, but created, a figment of man's imagination. You must find her first… she can't survive without you. She is fallen. She is alone. You must find her first, only then can she save you."
"I'm not following…"
"You don't follow anyone. You've never followed anyone. You live apart from reality, but you have eyes. You see through your eyes, only. Seek the truth, reveal the lies and give the world back its peace. Only you…" The woman said. "Only you…"
"Only me, what?" Jack asked. "Only me what?" He demanded, but the woman was quiet again. Crying could be heard mingled with insane laughter and that weird growling. Jack stared into the cell until he heard voices of the guards. He headed back the way he had come toward the medical center.
Back in the medical sector, he walked into a commotion as lab techs argued over the best way to dissect a live specimen. An administrator, wearing maroon robes was trying to calm and control the argument. Jack turned avoiding the confrontation, sickened by the discussion he had just heard. He was confused by the one he had just had. Suddenly, nothing made much sense to him.
Suddenly, he realized just how alone he was.