The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"
[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"] Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Is Sponge bob here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, . So everyone, please put your hands together for ! [The crowd whoops and hollers] Jerry: Okay, now you're here to talk about someone aren't you? Sponge bob: Yes. Jerry: And what is this other person's name? Sponge bob: Sandy [The crowd squeals with delight] Jerry: Okay, okay, well , Sandy's is actually here tonight ... [The crowd squeals] Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you , because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out Patrick ! Sponge bob: What the HELL!!! [Out of nowhere Sponge bob pulls out a sho t gun and Patrick reaches for the chair Out of the shadows appears] Mrs Puff: Wait everybody, wait! Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here . Mrs Puff: Because I saw Sponge bob and Squid ward making out at my boating school ! [The crowd goes absolutely insane] Squid ward: That's a lie! I was home watching home and away ! Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem? Squid ward: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with who has recently become engaged to Patrick [The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement] Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring out him here because he had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... that's right! Patrick: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Sandy! You know how I feel about Sandy! Squid ward: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Sandy! Patrick: Because I knew that I could never have Sandy. But Sponge bob promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings! Squid ward: What about respect for my feelings! [Walks suddenly across the stage, embracing] Sandy: Don't worry Sponge bob baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me. [Again the crowd squeals] Squid ward: Oh my God! Are you sick!? [runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly] Mrs Puff: take me away from all of this! Sponge bob: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ... [The crowd does its bit] Mrs Puff: Married? [You nod] Mrs Puff: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand! Sponge bob: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Sandy. Mrs Puff: [screaming] WHAT!!! Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night? Sandy: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 1,209,607 times if that's what you mean. [The crowd squeals] Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight Sponge bob is married Sandy to who has secretly been in love with Patrick for years and years. Now has recently become engaged to Squid ward who was recently spotted kissing in Mrs Puffs boating school. Now on top of this, has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Mrs Puff. Mrs Puff: That's right Jerry. Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other. [Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]
[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"] Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Is Sponge bob here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, . So everyone, please put your hands together for ! [The crowd whoops and hollers] Jerry: Okay, now you're here to talk about someone aren't you? Sponge bob: Yes. Jerry: And what is this other person's name? Sponge bob: Sandy [The crowd squeals with delight] Jerry: Okay, okay, well , Sandy's is actually here tonight ... [The crowd squeals] Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you , because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out Patrick ! Sponge bob: What the HELL!!! [Out of nowhere Sponge bob pulls out a sho t gun and Patrick reaches for the chair Out of the shadows appears] Mrs Puff: Wait everybody, wait! Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here . Mrs Puff: Because I saw Sponge bob and Squid ward making out at my boating school ! [The crowd goes absolutely insane] Squid ward: That's a lie! I was home watching home and away ! Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem? Squid ward: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with who has recently become engaged to Patrick [The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement] Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring out him here because he had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... that's right! Patrick: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Sandy! You know how I feel about Sandy! Squid ward: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Sandy! Patrick: Because I knew that I could never have Sandy. But Sponge bob promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings! Squid ward: What about respect for my feelings! [Walks suddenly across the stage, embracing] Sandy: Don't worry Sponge bob baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me. [Again the crowd squeals] Squid ward: Oh my God! Are you sick!? [runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly] Mrs Puff: take me away from all of this! Sponge bob: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ... [The crowd does its bit] Mrs Puff: Married? [You nod] Mrs Puff: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand! Sponge bob: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Sandy. Mrs Puff: [screaming] WHAT!!! Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night? Sandy: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 1,209,607 times if that's what you mean. [The crowd squeals] Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight Sponge bob is married Sandy to who has secretly been in love with Patrick for years and years. Now has recently become engaged to Squid ward who was recently spotted kissing in Mrs Puffs boating school. Now on top of this, has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Mrs Puff. Mrs Puff: That's right Jerry. Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other. [Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]