Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #002

Cloud's Big Debt

Cloud: I'm bored.

Tifa: ... (washes dishes)

Cloud: Tifa, I'm bored.

Tifa: Uh huh. (washes dishes)

Cloud: ...I mean it.

Tifa: Okay, Cloud. (washes dishes)

Cloud: I'm REALLY bored, Tifa.

Tifa: OKAY CLOUD!!!

Cloud: ...

Cloud: Maybe there's something on TV.

Cloud turns on the TV and flips through dozens of channels.

TV: (salesman) Our prices are INSANE!! The BEST of the season—

Cloud changes the channel.

TV: (woman) Wow! They taste more like real nuts!

Cloud changes the channel again.

TV: (narrator voice) This is your brain on drugs.

Cloud changes the channel once more.

TV: (old lady) I've fallen, and I can't get up!!

Cloud shuts the TV off and throws the remote in the air. It flies for a few seconds, then comes plummeting down to the ground, hitting Red in the head.

Red: ...ow.

Cloud: (sighs) This has been the most boring day. I can't wait until Christmas... We can take a trip to the Golden Saucer!

?: Oh no you won't.

Cloud: (spooked) WHOA!! Who are you?

?: My name is...

Cloud: What's your name?

?: My name is...

Cloud: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!

?: WHAT?! My name is... WHAT?! My name is... WHAT?! My name is... jigga jigga Slim Shady.

Cloud: ...no it's not.

?: Yeah, you're right. It's Abadenizer.

Cloud: ...ok, Slim Shady sounds more believable than THAT.

Abadenizer: Bah. Are you gonna hear me out or not?

Cloud: What do you have to say?

Abadenizer: I come with news about something that is very important to you. Something that only recently happened, but that will effect your life greatly.

Cloud: (smile) I think I know what you're talking about...

Abadenizer: Oh? Well, if you know, this will be shorter. Look, I know how I can correct the wrong that was made.

Cloud: So, basically what you're saying is you know how to bring Aeris back?

Abadenizer: Bring Aeris back? Well, there's no need for that, she's on her way here right now on a plane.

Cloud: ...Oh. But then, why are you here?

Abadenizer: I thought you knew.

Cloud: I thought so, too.

Abadenizer: So you don't know?

Cloud: Know what?

Abadenizer: What I'm gonna tell you.

Cloud: No.

Abadenizer: Then I'll tell you.

Cloud: Tell me what?

Abadenizer: WHAT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU!!

Cloud: Then... what are you here to tell me?!

Abadenizer : I'm here to tell you... You have one HUGE credit card debt.

Cloud: ...WHAT?!

Abadenizer: Yes, a huge one. Apparently someone made a big, and I mean BIG Materia purchase with your card.

Cloud: Materia, eh? (raises eyebrow) Yuffie...

* * *

Yuffie: No, you must have your facts wrong. I only bought about four Materia... if you leave out the other 900.

Cloud: Darn it. Abadenizer, she couldn't have caused that huge debt if she only bought four Materia.

Abadenizer: But that's if you leave out—

Yuffie: Yeah, listen to him, Abade-freak.

Cloud: So if she didn't do it, maybe it was Red. You know how he's always on a quest for more knowledge.

Abadenizer: Yuffie actually bought 900 and 4 Materia—

Yuffie: Yeah, Red and his knowledge quest. Who knows what he'll do. (rolls eyes)

Abadenizer: But she said that—

Cloud: Or if it wasn't him then maybe Vincent and his habit of renting so many movies, and of course, you know how Blockluster messes up the description of their movie rentals.

Abadenizer: I don't think it was him, I believe it was Yu—

Yuffie: Yeah, Cloud's right, Abade-who.

Abadenizer: OKAY!! Look, who cares who caused the debt? The most important thing right now is getting rid of it.

Cloud: ...and maybe Tifa bought all that Materia as Christmas presents, 'cause you know it's coming up—

Abadenizer: CLOUD!!

Cloud: Yes?

Abadenizer: We need to clear up your debt, not find who did it. You can prevent that in the future by not giving it to people. But the important thing NOW is to find some place where we can score some weed.

Cloud: ?!

Yuffie: Cool, a pothead hippie.

Abadenizer: I'm not a pothead!! What I meant by score some weed was, um, (sweatdrops) you know, make some money.

Cloud: Oh, okay. So what should we do?

Aeris: (busting into the villa carrying tons of bags) Hello everybody! Miss me? That's what I thought.

Cloud: Aeris?

Aeris: Oh, hey Cloud. (throws her 50 bags on top of Cloud)

Cloud: Ack! (is buried under the bags) You brought all of this stuff? You didn't bring anything else?

Aeris: Actually, I bought a low-rider but they didn't let me bring it.

Cloud: How did you buy a low-rider? Those things cost bundles.

Aeris: Your credit card.

Cloud: GAG!! CHOKE!!

Abadenizer: Deeper and deeper you go, my friend.

Cloud: Oh man! (finds his way out of the hill of bags) Man, this is really bad! I need a way to make money, FAST! I need ideas!

Everyone: ...

Cloud: I said I need ideas!!

Everyone: ...

Cloud: Fine! I'll come up with something myself! (thinks hard)

24 hours later...

Cloud: (still thinking hard)

Abadenizer: I don't think it's working...

Cloud: Be quiet! You broke my concentration.

Abadenizer: Look, why don't you make a video?

Cloud: A video?

Abadenizer: You know, make a movie or something. An action movie, or maybe even an instructional tape.

Cloud: Hey... Hey, I got an idea!!

Abadenizer: Oh?

Cloud: I should make an instructional, action movie!!

Abadenizer: ...

* * *

Cloud stands in a plain field holding his Buster sword.

Cloud: (to the camera) Ok, the first thing you need to know to be able to fight monsters is to swing your weapon. This is a simple task, but stupid people like Cloud Strife can't do it... HEY! Who wrote those cue cards?!

Sephiroth(disguised as camera man): Hee hee hee...

Cloud: Whatever... Anyway, first you must firmly grasp your weapon at its handle, or if your weapon has no handle, just grab the most stable point. Next, "get a life Cloud." WAIT!! Who is writing these cue cards?!

Sephiroth: Ha ha ha...

Cloud: Grrr... Ok. Once you have your weapon firmly in your hands, brings your arms back and swing them forward. Make sure you hold your weapon tight. (swings sword and it goes flying out of his hands and screams are heard as it nearly hits several people)

Sephiroth: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!! (pushes a can of oil behind him)

* * *

Cloud stands in another open field. The Chocobo Farm can be seen in the background, and Chocobo tracks are all around near Cloud's feet.

Cloud: Okay, next thing you must learn is to catch a chocobo. There are several areas that are very dangerous without one, like the Midgar Marshes, for example. First, you must go to the Chocobo Farm. There you can ask them if they have any spare Cloud Strifes for rent—hey, wait!

Sephiroth: AAAH!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! (falls over laughing)

Cloud: Okay, forget the cue cards. Anyway, you have to go to the Chocobo Farm. There you can try to get some spare chocobos if they have any. If not, get a Chocobo Lure materia and come out here to the fields. Next you'll want to find a chocobo. After you do that, you have to kill all the monsters around it to catch it. (turns to his left) Look, there's one!

Cloud runs off to his left. Another camera man(besides Seph) follows him and gets footage of Cloud easily destroying the monsters. Then Cloud turns back to the camera.

Cloud: See? That's all there is to it. But remember not to hit the chocobo. They get pretty mad and you'll be sorry.

Cloud shrugs, his sword goes flying again due to some left-over oil, and clonks the chocobo on the head. The chocobo warks loudly and repeatedly pecks Cloud over the head.

Cloud: Ow ow ow ow ouch ow ouchies ow—

Sephiroth: HAHAHAHAAHHA!! The chocobo—HAHAHAAH!!! The sword—HAHAHAHAHAAH!! And the CUE CARDS—HAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!

* * *

Cloud sneaks around in some bushes, a cliff just beyond him.

Cloud: (whispering) Okay, now the Head Hunters around the Mideel area are very tough monsters, so you'll want to ambush them. But be careful not to slip. (slips)

Sephiroth: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHA!!! All thanks to the oil.

Cloud painfully hits the ground. 4 Head Hunters turn toward him and they stare for a moment, then the Head Hunters start clawing mercilessly at Cloud. Meanwhile Sephiroth laughs uncontrollably at the sight.

* * *

5 minute break. Cloud sits on a chair near his dressing trailer. He has a towel around his neck and several bruises and bandages on his body.

Abadenizer: (shows up) Guess what.

Cloud: What?

Abadenizer: I said guess.

Cloud: (sarcastically) My debt's gone?

Abadenizer: Actually, yes.

Cloud: WHOA?! Really? HOW?!

Abadenizer: Apparently there was some kind of bank error and your debt has been cleared out and transferred to another account

Cloud: So... I wasted my time with this video thing?

Abadenizer: Yep.

Cloud: WHY DID YOU COME UP WITH SUCH A STUPID IDEA?!

Abadenizer: ...

Cloud: But I wonder who got my debt?

* * *

Back at the Northern Crater, Sephiroth returns home and checks his account.

Sephiroth: WHAT?!

* * *

Abadenizer: Yeah, I wonder who.

* * *

(Back at the villa...)

Cloud: I'm home!

Everyone: ...

Cloud: Yeah, I know you missed me. Gee, do I have a story to tell you guys.

Everyone: ...

Vincent: ...

Cloud: Oh, so YOU wanna hear it, Vince?

Vincent: ...?

Cloud: Ok, so first this guy comes and blah blah blah...

Vincent: (wide open and red eyes) ...SHUT...UP...

Abadenizer: Well, I got to be going now.

Cloud: Really?

Abadenizer: No.

Cloud: Oh.

Abadenizer: I'll go now.

Cloud: But...

Abadenizer: We'll meet again... maybe... if I'm the mood... (leaves)

Cloud: (thinks about what he's been through)

Cloud: (sits down on the couch and stares at the TV)

Cloud: I'm bored.

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