Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity
Episode #003
A Time For Giving?
The crew is hanging out the villa/house, not doing much. Vincent is still in his Corner of Evil and Darkness, Yuffie playing with her Materia, Cloud, Cid and Barret watching TV, Aeris sleeping in the middle of the kitchen floor, and Red XIII flying around the room in a jetpack. Suddenly, Tifa busts in from the front door and runs to the bedroom, closing the door. Then she bursts out of that room too.
Tifa: Guys! Do you know what day it is?!
Cloud: Uh... wait, don't tell me... December.
Barret: Retarded! (smacks Cloud)
Tifa: It's the 24th. Tonight is Christmas Eve!! We have to go—
Cloud: To the Gold Saucer!!
Tifa: No... we still have to do our Christmas shopping!
Barret: Whoa, she's right!
Cid: #$%@#$! I dunno why I just cursed, but hey, you're right Tifa.
Cloud: Right about what?
Everyone: ...
Aeris: ...zzZZzz...
Red: (flying around the room in a jetpack) Weeeeeee...
Tifa: Hey, is Red flying around the room in a jetpack?
Barret: Not that I know of.
Cloud: So what were you right about?
Tifa: Cloud, Christmas is a day away!!
Cloud: OH MY GOD!! CHRISTMAS IS COMING AND WE HAVE NO... PIZZA!
Sound effect: woman screaming in the background and scary music playing.
Tifa: No...
Sound effect: record being scratched.
Tifa: We have to shop for gifts too! Not just junk food.
Cloud: Junk food ARE gifts. In the spirit of giving, I give everyone a slice of pizza!
Cid: (ignoring Cloud) Look, we have to GET GOING!!
Tifa: Yeah!
Vincent: ...
Cloud: That's the spirit, Vince!
Tifa: Yuffie, you coming?
Yuffie: I guess... It's another opportunity to get more Materia. Sure.
Cloud/Cid/Tifa/Yuffie: Let's go!
They head for the door.
Barret: GUYS!
Cloud/Cid/Tifa/Yuffie: (turning back) Yes, Barret?
Barret: Someone should wake up Aeris...
Red: Weeeeeeeeeee...
(at the newly built Costa de Sol mall)
Tifa: Okay, we're here.
Aeris: (standing up) ...zzZZzz...
Tifa: WAKE UP!!
Aeris: (sleeping) But I don't wanna...
Tifa: But you HAVE to! You must help us shop!
Aeris: (sleeping) But Tifa... let me sleep...
Tifa: JUST WAKE UP!!
Aeris: (sleeping) Oh, alright.
Aeris: (yawns and opens eyes) Phew... AAAAAAAAAHHH! BAD HAIR DAY!!
Barret: No... That's Cloud's hair.
Aeris: PHEW!! That's a relief.
Cloud: ...
Cid: Let's just get on with the shopping, okay? It's almost nighttime. We have to get back to the villa before then, or else we'll miss the Christmas Eve Dukes of Hazzard.
Tifa: Okay... if we're gonna get this done by then, we have to split up.
Barret: Right.
Tifa: So, everyone head to where you're gonna buy your presents. We'll meet back up here in an hour.
Cloud: Hold on!! We should schedule a time for us to meet up back in here.
Tifa: IN AN HOUR!!
Cloud: I think we should meet back here in an hour.
Tifa: ...
Cid: (to Tifa) Just ignore him.
Tifa: Ok.
Everyone: BREAK!! (they split up)
(at the food court)
Cloud: Yes, could I have a large pepperoni pizza with mozzarella cheese. Oh, and I want another one with sausage and mushrooms, oh, not the drug, the vegetable...
Guy behind the counter: ...?
Cloud: I also want three plain large pizzas, extra cheese, please.
Guy behind the counter: Is that it?
Cloud: That's it. Can you pack it up please?
Guy behind the counter: ...why?
Cloud: Well, I'm shopping for Christmas, so you know, I'll have to wait 'til then to eat this pizza...
Guy behind the conuter: ...you're kidding right?
Cloud: No...
Guy behind the counter: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
(at a clothes shop)
Tifa and Aeris arrive, looking around. Their eyes shine with happiness as they look upon the many, many articles of clothing around them.
Tifa: So what's the plan? Make it quick because in about ten seconds I'll be running to those shoes...
Aeris: You take aisle three, and I'll go to aisle five. Okay Tifa, if I don't meet you at the cashier in ten minutes... I'll still be trying on dresses.
Tifa: And me, the shoes!
They both run off.
(at a Materia shop)
Yuffie: Why did you follow me?!
Vincent: I didn't...
Yuffie: Well, you went where I was going, in my book that's following.
Vincent: You have no book...
Yuffie: It's an expression...
Vincent: It's not a very good one...
Yuffie: Look, just leave me alone, ok?!
Vincent: You started it.
Yuffie: Did not.
Vincent: ...
Yuffie: That's when you say, "Did too!". Gawd, you're no fun, Vince.
Vincent: Whatever.
Yuffie: (checking out the Materia) (singing) Yeah yeah... pah pah, dee dum...
Vincent: ?
Yuffie: All I want for Christmas is my two front... Materia!
Vincent: ...
Yuffie: Shut up!
Vincent: I didn't say anything...
Yuffie: Did too!
Vincent: ...
Yuffie: That's when you say, "Did not!". JEEZ, Vince, do you have ANY part of a kid inside of you?
Vincent: What do you think?
(at an electronics store)
Worker: (shocked) It's a fake display! It's not real!
Barret: Are you telling me it's not real?!
Worker: (shyly) That's what I said...
Barret: You're joking...
Worker: ...
Barret: SELL US THAT PLAYSTATION 2!!
Worker: (stammering) I...I...fake...just a...d-display...
Barret: Foo'! You better sell us that Playstation 2 before I get mad and have to use this!! (brings up gun arm)
Cid: Barret, Barret... calm down. Let me take care of this... GIVES US THE $%$#%@$ PS2 BEFORE WE #$%#$% KILL YOU ^$#%^#$^#$!!!!
Worker: (scared) I told you! It's only a fake screen display!
Barret: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!!
(at the villa)
Red: Weeeeeeeeeeee...
(at the food court)
Cloud: ...yes, and another one of those, and a large order of sushi would be good.
Chinise guy behind the counter: Ah, yes, yes, of course.
Cloud: (lightly taps foot; behind him is a huge cart full of food)
(at the clothes shop)
Tifa: (tries on dozens and dozens of shoes) Oh, this one's great! Aww, look at that one!! So cute! And this one!! OOOOHH!!! LOOK AT THAT ONE!! I COULD JUST DIE!!
Aeris: (shifting through many dresses) Hmm... I wonder which one Cloud would like the most? Let's see, maybe a purple one. After all, that's what he got back at Sector 7...
(at the Materia shop)
Yuffie: La di da... (stuffs a few Materia in her pocket while no one is looking)
Staff: Hey! You have to pay for those!
Well, almost no one.
Yuffie: Uh... (throws the Materia at Vincent) He took it!
Staff: ExCUSE me sir, you have to pay for those Materias.
Vincent: ...
Staff: Eh?
Vincent: ...!
Staff: ...?
Vincent: ...
Staff: ...?
Vincent: ...!
Staff: ...
Vincent: ...
Staff: Okay, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. Have a good day. (walks away)
Yuffie: (speechless) What was that?!
Vincent: (just looks at her) ...
(at the electronics shop)
Cid: (to worker, calmly) Okay, this is deal, buddy. First, you're gonna sell us that PS2. THEN, you're gonna give us a receipt.
Barret: No wait, forget the receipt, I don't like those things.
Cid: Ok, forget the receipt. But THEN you're gonna sell us FFX. GOT IT?!
Worker: B...but FFX is a d-display too...
Cid: WERE YOU @#%$#@ LISTENING TO ME?!
Worker: (crying) Ok, ok, I'll sell them to you!!
The worker sells Cid and Barret the PS2 and FFX.
Cid: That's more like it...
(back at the Mall's center square, the group meets up again)
Tifa: Ok... has everyone got everything?
Everyone: Yes.
The group heads home to their villa, or is it house? Anyway, they head there. When they walk in, they notice half of Red's body has disappeared through the roof.
Tifa: Looks like Red flew his jetpack right into the roof.
Cloud: What jetpack?
Aeris: Phew, at least we made it home in time for Christmas Eve. That's the most important thing...
Cid: Guys, it's 9:00PM! We barely made it for the Dukes!
Tifa: Not to EVERYONE...
Aeris: (walks to the kitchen and immediately falls and starts snoring away again)
Barret: Why does she sleep in the kitchen anyway?
(the next day...)
Cloud: WHOO!! EASTER IS HERE!!
Tifa: Christmas, Cloud. Christmas.
Cloud: Yeah! Go Jordan!
Cid: What the HELL are you talking about, Spike?
Cloud: YES!!! SNL SPECIALS!!
Barret: Let's just ignore him.
Cloud: Hey, let's hand out presents.
Barret: Okay, let's NOT ignore him.
Cloud: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
Barret: I'm about to leave right now...
Cloud: Sorry, ate five pounds of sugar a few minutes ago.
Tifa: Okay, settle down. Let's just hand out the presents now, ok?
Aeris: Ok... let me go first... Cloud, I got you this cute, purple, soft and shimmery dress.
Cloud: A...dress?
Cid/Barret/Yuffie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Red suddenly gets unstuck from the roof and crashes through the table in the middle of the living room.
Red: Ouchies.
Tifa: Red? You're just in time! We're handing out presents!
Red: Okee dokees... Yoos guys can have my jestpack! Here! (takes off jetpack) I dun wanna it no more. It dangerous.
Barret: I think he got hit in the head too hard. What's two plus two, Red?
Red: Durrr... 22?
Barret: Oh, nevermind. He's just fine.
Tifa: ANYWAY, on with the presents.
Yuffie: Okay... I guess I'll go... I got everyone an All Materia.
Everyone: An All Materia...?
Yuffie: So you can Master it and make tons of money!
Everyone: Ooohhhhh...
Cloud: Ooh, ooh, let me go!
Tifa: Wait, it's Barret's turn now.
Barret: Well, me and Cid pretty much both bought the same thing, but I also bought something else. Here, Cloud. Some mousse.
Cid/Barret/Yuffie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Cloud: Um...thanks, guys.
Tifa: Well, I know how much you love swords, Cloud, so I got you this cool one. (hands Cloud the Masamune)
Cloud: Hey... this is Sephiroth's!
Tifa: It is?
(at the crater)
Sephiroth: (crying) I put it right here and then it was gone...(sniff) I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT IS, MOMMY!!
Jenova: It's okay, son...shhh...it's gonna be ok...
(back at the villa)
Cloud: Well, Tifa, I got you this really tasty pizza slice. (hands old, musty pizza)
Tifa: ...
Cloud: Don't worry guys, I got one for everyone. (hands them out)
Everyone: ...
Cid: Ok... the last present, me and Barret bought.
Barret: It's really special, actually. You guys have been asking for it for weeks now, even before we destroyed Meteor.
Yuffie: Actually, we didn't "destroy" it. I made it into a Materia.
Cid: Shut up. Anyway, here it is! (whips out PS2 and FFX)
Aeris: OH MY GOD!! IT'S A CHOCOLATE CAKE!!
Barret: No... it's a PS2.
Cloud and Tifa: COOL!!
Aeris: No cake...?
Cid: Let's hook this thing up and PLAY!!!!
Everyone: YEAH!!
The gang sits down and hooks up their brand new Playstation 2. They pop in FFX and play away...
Cloud: HEY!! This doesn't work... You bought a FAKE DISPLAY PS2?!
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