Note: Just so some people know, when I write humor fics, all I think about is how I can make it funny. I don't think about what will please fans of a certain character, but rather would bash one in a heartbeat if I thought it was gonna be funny. So if your favorite character gets bashed, please don't take it personally, because I'm just trying to create some humor. ;) And eventually, all characters will probably get their moment to shine.
Episode Note: Yeah, the yaoi/yuri episode… But let me just remind you, it's purely for comedy, nothing in-depth or graphic in here.
Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity
Episode #004
The Yaoi/Yuri Virus Outbreak
Hojo: ...so then I tell him, "No, stupid! That's when you stick in the DNA!"
Scientists: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Scientist A: Great joke, Hojo!
Scientist B: Yeah, I LOVED the part with the chromosome vendor.
Hojo: Yes... yes... (cellphone rings and he answers) Excuse me, guys. (turns to the side) Hello?
Reno(on cellphone): Hi.
Hojo: Is this Reno?
Reno(on cellphone): This is Reno.
Hojo: I know.
Reno(on cellphone): Can I talk to Hojo?
Hojo: Speaking.
Reno(on cellphone): Hello?
Hojo: Reno?! I'm here!
Reno(on cellphone): Is Hojo in the house?
Hojo: THIS IS HIM!!
Hojo hears some static on his cellphone.
Reno(on cellphone): Hello?
Hojo: Reno?!
Reno(on cellphone): Oh, sorry Hojo, I had some bad static.
Hojo: Look, what do you want, I'm at the annual Mad Scientist Convention. It's annual! Meaning... once a year... I think.
Reno(on cellphone): I know that genius... look, we have a problem and I need the password to activate the purification system.
Hojo: The puri—Reno, just leave me alone! (hangs up)
Hojo: Where was I? Oh yes, the tale about the defective amino acid in the cereal box…
(at Shinra HQ, miraculously rebuilt by... well, that's unkown)
Reno(slams cellphone down, breaking it): That little punk! He hung up on me!
Elena(shocked): He hung up on you...? What could you have possibly said to make that man hang himself...
Reno: No no no, not hung himself, he hung me up on the cellphone.
Elena: Oh... so he hung the cellphone with you on it?
Reno: No, he didn't hang anyone, he just hung me up.
Elena: He hung you up? But you two were talking! He hung you up when you were talking? That's not possible, you're miles away from him!
Reno: I'm not talking about the rope kind of hanging up!!
Elena: You're weird, Reno. Anyway, did you get the password?
Reno: No...
Elena: That's not good... Well, the least we can do is warn people.
Reno: Yeah, let's make a commercial.
(Costa de Sol villa/house)
Barret: Did not!
Yuffie: Did too!
Barret: Did not!
Yuffie: Did too!
Barret: Did not!
Yuffie: Did too!
Barret: Did not!
Yuffie: Did too!
Tifa: What are you two arguing about now?
Barret: We don't know, but whatever it is, I DIDN'T DO IT!!
Yuffie: Did too!
Tifa: Ok...
Cid: @#$%!! Another commercial. (frowns at TV)
Cloud(bursts in the door): Guys!! Check it out!!
Aeris: What is it, Cloud?
Cloud: Look what I can do!!! See!!
Tifa: See... what?
Cloud: My exclamation marks!! They're Zero Wing style!!
TV: Recently, in a lab located in the very secret location of 347 on Street avenue, Junon...
Cid: Well, it's not much secret now.
Cloud: Street avenue... what a non-creative name!!
TV: ...a deadly virus broke out when the place blew up.
Aeris: Oh my gosh!
TV: This virus is quickly spreading to all of Junon, and upon infection you will begin to feel dizzy. Buy our new flu medicine!
Aeris: Oh, I thought it was something important.
TV: Oh sorry, wrong paper. This virus broke out in Costa de Sol, and if you catch it, you will begin to like... jeez is this right? ...members of the same gender!
Cid: Hah! Shinra. Makes one story after the other. Watch, they're gonna say something about donating money.
TV: We're doing our best to take care of the virus now, but if you donate some money, say, a billion gil or two, you can help us clear this virus out.
Cid: See?
TV: Yes, I see.
Cid: ?!?!
TV: So watch out for that virus!
Cloud: That was a joke... right? Right ?!!
Red: May I ask that you please stop with the Zero Wing exclamations?
Cloud: And what if I don't?
Red: I'll just have to... ask you again.
Cloud: Ok ok, jeez. Don't have to get all physical.
Tifa: Guys, they were joking about that virus, right?
Barret: Of course! Them damn Shinra! Can't trust them.
Then everyone is quiet. They look around at each other, quietly. Suspiciously examining each detail. Then, after about twenty minutes, they start sweating.
Barret: Jeez, is it just me or is it hot it here?
They look around at each other, bug-eyed.
Cloud: My hairdo's getting messed up from the sweat!!
Another half an hour passes. Late afternoon hits Costa de Sol. The group has been quiet for a really long time now. And several of them look around, their faces red. Suddenly, they notice Tifa holding her breath.
Aeris: T-Tifa...?
Tifa: Oh my God!! I have this irresistible urge to rub oil on your back, Aeris!
Aeris: Do it!! PLEASE DO IT!!
Cid: WHAT THE #$@%$@#$!!!
Barret: What is wrong with you two?!
Aeris: (hysterically) I don't know! I feel weird!
Tifa: Me too!
Aeris: For the first time in my life that spiky hair isn't catching my eye!
Cloud: ...guys... I don't think Shinra was kidding about that virus.
Tifa: Hold on, let me get the oil! (runs off)
Red XIII: I feel fine. But I guess it only affects humans... so this should be amusing.
Vincent: ...
Red XIII: You okay there? You're not like the others, are you?
Vincent: No. Hojo's tampering strengthened my immune system.
Red XIII: Oh? Well... I can remember 20 digit numbers in seconds!!
Tifa: I got it! (comes running back)
Barret: Tifa, control yourself!
Cid: Holy #$%@!!! This is happening right in front of my eyes and I'm not getting horny?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! (grabs head and falls to the ground)
Cloud: Wow... for the first time in my life, I'm not in any sort of a love triangle. (notices Barret and Cid looking at him)
Barret: Hee hee...
Cloud: What are you staring at?!
Barret: You...
Cloud: Not you too?!
Barret: Argh! (grabs head) This isn't happening!
Cid: We're all gonna die!
Cloud: Actually, I feel fine.
Everyone stops.
Tifa: You f-feel... fine?
Cloud: Yeah. You and Aeris are still attractive to me.
Barret: But... but... why? Why is he the only one?
Cid: Too retarded, maybe?
Barret: That's it.
Cid: Yeah...
Barret: You know... I never noticed before how sexy you look with that cigarette in your mouth...
Cid: Barret!!
Barret: D-damn!
Red XIII: Well then, what should we do?
Aeris: Get a cure for this virus.
Cid: But with this virus, we'd never be able to concentrate on the mission... we'd be too involved with ourselves! coughbarretcough
Barret: Look, I couldn't help it!
Red XIII: Well, I guess the only choice is—
Vincent(walking out of his Dark Corner): The only choice is, send the unaffected people. Me, Red, Cloud.
Everyone: He speaks!
Cid: Vincent... mysterious... sexy... ARGH!!
Barret: Just go before anything else bad happens!
Reeve bursts through the front door on a moogle doll.
Reeve: Hi guys!
Barret: Too late...
Reeve: Barret, when are you gonna stop acting like this to me?
Barret: When you get in bed—UGH!!
Reeve: W-what did you say?
Cloud: Ok, the story is there was a virus released around here... a yaoi/yuri virus.
Reeve: (sarcastic) Great! The first episode I star in and I'm surrounded by Yaoi.
Cloud: ...?
Reeve: Oh, right. (throws hands in air)
Reeve: Oh man, we gotta get outta here!
Barret: Don't worry, it's not like it's gonna effect you, you're already in yaoi status.
Reeve: Shut up!
Cloud: Someone make Barret be quiet.
Cid: With pleasure...
Barret: Ack!
Cloud: Ok, look, since me, Red and Vincent are unaffected, we decided to go get a cure for this virus. Wanna come?
Reeve: Sure. I probably know where we could get some antidote.
Cloud: Really?! Where?
Reeve: Where else, in the Shinra HQ.
Cloud: But the Shinra HQ was destroyed by Meteor.
Reeve: It was rebuilt.
Cloud: By who?
Reeve: We don't know. By a mysterious unknown force... we think it's President Shinra's fat ghost or something.
Cloud: Whatever. Let's just go.
(at Shinra HQ)
Elena: (stands up on a podium in front of an audience) Um... err... There's something that me and Reno have to tell all of you... um...
Reno: Come on! With feeling!
Elena: Ok... THERE'S SOMETHING THAT ME AND RENO HAV—
Reno: (covers ears) Hey!! Not that much feeling!
Cloud: (suddenly pops up in the audience) I have a question!
Reno: Cloud?!
Cloud: No, this isn't me.
Reno: Yes it is!
Cloud: Nuh-uh!
Reno: (to audience) Don't just sit there, guys! Get him! (realizes the audience are all dummies) Oh, right. This is the practice audience...
Cloud: Answer my question!
Reno: How did you get in, anyway?
Reeve steps out onto the stage beside Reno.
Reno: Reeve, you traitor!
Reeve: (scoffs) Not this again...
Cloud: AHEM!! MY QUESTION!!
Red XIII jumps down from a chandelier, landing on the opposite side of the stage from Reeve, beside Elena.
Red XIII: Just ask it!
Cloud: Great, now I forgot. You made me wait so long.
Reeve: Then just let me. Reno, we want an antidote for the virus you guys released in Costa de Sol.
Reno: Look, we don't have an antidote. We need samples to produce a cure but we can't get any because the purification system is locked with a password. The only one who knows it is Hojo, and he won't tell us.
Reeve: You're lying! Don't make me use this! (whips out a lamp) Oops... (whips out a gun) Ha!
Reno: I'm telling you, we don't have it.
Reeve: (points gun closer) Gimme!
Suddenly, two forms rush out of the darkness. Before Red and Reeve know it, Rude and Tseng have them both a gunpoint.
Rude: ...
Tseng: Like he said, put down the gun and uh... (looks at Red) ...close your mouth.
Cloud: Tseng?! How are you alive?
Tseng: Hey, if Sephiroth and Aeris can be alive, why not me?
Rufus: ...or me.
Rufus drops down from seemingly nowhere and lands behind Cloud, with a shotgun ready to fire.
Cloud: See?! You should have let ME ask the question!
???: Enough!
Several gunshots are heard. Rude's, Tseng's, and Rufus's guns are blasted out of their hands. Vincent appears out of another dark corner, quietly blowing away the smoke coming from his handgun.
Vincent: Give us the antidote.
Cloud: Look, they probably have it—
Reno: We don't.
Cloud: That's what I said and—
Elena: No, you said we had it.
Cloud: No I didn't. So what we shoul—
Tseng: You really did say "they have".
Cloud: NO!! Like I was saying—
Rufus: He's right, you know.
Cloud: WHY DOES EVERYONE PICK ON ME?!?!
Everyone: ...
Cloud: Like I was saying... since we both don't have and need the antidote, we should team up!
Everyone: mumble, grumble...
Cloud: Come on, it's not THAT bad, is it?
Everyone: YES!
Cloud: Well, can you just tell us where Hojo is then? We'll find him and PHS you the password.
Reno: He's at the annual Mad Scientist convention, taking place next door to the Costa de Sol villa.
Cloud: Annual. Once a year?
Reno: ...
Red XIII: Costa de Sol villa? That's our house!
Reeve: Ugh. Back we go...
(back to Costa de Sol, at the annual(once a year) Mad Scientist convention)
Cloud: I never noticed this place before... Probably because it's all the way next door...
Reeve: Let's find Hojo already.
Red XIII: Well, look for white coat and glasses.
Reeve: ALL the scientists here have white coats and glasses!
Red XIII: Then look for the thoughtful, educated look on his face.
Reeve: ALL the scientists have thoughtful, educated looks on their faces.
Red XIII: Then look for the test tubes and chemical droppers.
Reeve: ALL the scientists have test tubes and chemical droppers.
Red XIII: THEN JUST LOOK FOR HOJO!!
Reeve: ...that'll work.
Cloud: Wait, I think I see him.
The 4 walk off toward a scientist.
Cloud: No, that's not him.
Red XIII: Wait, there he is!
They go off again.
Reeve: Nope...
Cloud: Over there!
They trot off one more time.
Vincent: (shakes head)
Cloud: Oh no... we're lost amongst the mad scientists!
Hojo: ...and then I say, "Aeris? Gee, that sounds familiar. Oh yes, that's what I named my pet Jenova clone!"
Scientists: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Reeve: THERE he is!
Cloud: I hope we find Hojo soon...
Red XIII: Cloud, he's over there.
Cloud: GUYS!! I found Hojo!
Hojo: Hmm...?
Reeve: Hojo! Give us the password for the purification system!
Hojo: Again with the purification sys— did Reno send you?
Red XIII: Just give us the password!
Hojo: Ok, fine... here. (scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to Reeve)
Reeve: "JenouvaRkewl?"
Hojo: Yes, if you MUST say it out loud...
Reeve: Ok, great.(takes out PHS) The password is... "JenouvaRkewl."
Reno(on PHS): Okay, I sent you the antidote.
Reeve: ALREADY?!
Reno(on PHS): Of course. That mysterious force gave us some good technology. NOW STOP CALLING ME! (hangs up)
(at Shinra HQ)
Reno: Ha ha... I hung up on him.
Elena: You hung him up?
Reno: Not this again...
(back at Costa de Sol)
Reeve: Reno said the cure is on its way.
A SPS man shows up(Shinra Postal Service) with a package.
SPS Man: Cloud Pansy?
Cloud: That would be me.
Reeve/Red XIII/Vincent: ???
SPS Man: Sign here please. (Cloud signs pad)
SPS Man: Thank you. Have a nice life. (hands package)
Cloud: Gee, I wonder what it is!?
Reeve: The antidote.
Cloud: Oh... right.
Reeve: Ok, let's get back to the others then.
Hojo: Cloud... I never noticed how that SOLDIER uniform looked so good on you... (growls)
Cloud: AAAAAAAAAH!!
Red XIII: He's been infected too!
Reeve: Run!
(Costa de Sol villa)
Reeve, Red XIII and Cloud come running in, followed by Vince.
Cid/Barret/Tifa/Aeris/Yuffie: Did you get the antidote?!
Reeve: Yeah, here it is. (throws them a vial)
Cid: W-wait! This is just one vial.
Tifa: Does that mean only one of us can be cured?
They all look around at each other.
Reeve: No, there's more.
Everyone: Phew.
Reeve: Drink up.
Cid/Barret/Tifa/Aeris/Yuffie: (each take a vial and drink it)
Cloud: So, what did you guys do while we were gone?
Barret: (nervously) Uh, nothing Cloud, nothing.
Aeris: Phew, I'm feeling better already.
Tifa: Thanks guys! You saved us!
Reeve: So, now that everything's fine why don't you guys welcome me back?
Everyone: mumble
Reeve: Yeah! That's the spirit!
Cloud: So... everything's back to normal.
Cid/Aeris: (watch TV)
Barret: Did not!
Yuffie: Did too!
Barret: Did not!
Yuffie: Did too!
Tifa: (sigh) What are you guys arguing about now?
Vincent: (goes back to his corner)
Cloud: SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB!!
Red XIII: Normal... if you could call it that...
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