Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #005

Crossing the Chrono

TV: ...and today in Costa de Sol, there is a 105% chance for snow, sleet, hail, a tropical thunderstorm, two tornadoes, five earthquakes, fifteen forest fires, and the melting of the polar ice caps.

Cloud: Wha...?

Tifa: (looks outside; sees a perfectly shiny and cloudless sunny day) If I didn't know any better, I'd say the weatherman is wrong...

Cloud: What are... polar ice caps...?

Tifa: Beats me.

Barret: (beats Tifa)


Tifa: Ow!! Barret, I didn't mean it literally!

Barret: Oh sorry.

Tifa: (busted ribs and broken arm) No problem...

Cloud: (turns head around)

Tifa: (gets poked in the eye by a hair spike) CLOUD!!

Cloud: Oh sorry, Tifa.

Tifa: (puts on full body armor) There...

Aeris: (walks out crying from the basement)

Yuffie: What happened, Aeris?

Aeris: (sobbing) Nothing... I..I just have something in eye...

Cloud: So what happened? See some really emotional soap opera?

Aeris: (rubbing eyes) I just have something... in my eye...

Barret: Come on Aeris, just say it. What made you cry?

Aeris: I JUST HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE!! (pokes eye for a moment, taking out a microscopic dirt spec)

Aeris: (is all better) See?

Everyone: ...

Cloud: Hey you know, I noticed something. Every time we get together in the living room of our villa/house, something happens and we get sent off on some kind of adventure.

A blue vortex portal thingy opens and several forms are thrown through, all slamming down, breaking the living room table, and making a small hill of bodies in the center of the living room.

Everyone looks at Cloud.

Barret: You're not Miss Cleo in disguise, are you?

Cloud: No!!

Kid: (scowling) Ugh... Where am I...?

Lynx: (purring) Meow.

Viper: (grabbing back in pain) Oh my osteoporosis... chalk it up to old age...

Serge: (...nothing) ...

Kid: Hey hey hey!! Get yerselves off me! (throws Serge, Lynx, and Viper halfway across the room)

Aeris: Who are you guys?

Kid: Well, I'm Tifa, (points to Serge) that's Cloud, (points to Viper) that's Cid, (points to Lynx) and that's Sephiroth.

Aeris: No, who are YOU guys, not US?

Kid: OH!! I'm Kid, that's Serge, the old one is Viper, and that cat there is Lynx.

Cloud: Was that a magic spoon you guys went through?

Kid: That there was more along the lines of a portal, mate.

Cloud: That's what I meant.

Kid: ...?

Barret: He's always like this, you'll see.

Kid: Don't count on it! I'll just be jumping back to my world now. (jumps at portal, but it closes) (falls face first into the floor) Ow.

Aeris: Hey, the portal closed.

Barret: Well, maybe you can only use it once.

Tifa: Nah, I don't think that's it. It stayed open until she tried to jump through it. Maybe the conditions aren't right.

Kid: What do you mean?

Tifa: Maybe you all have to go through the portal at the same time for it to work.

Kid: ...that makes sense. But, look a' them. They all knocked out.

Serge/Lynx/Viper: (knocked out)

Tifa: Well, you threw them across the room.

Kid: No, I didn't.

Tifa: I quote, "Kid: Hey hey hey!! Get yerselves off me! (throws Serge, Lynx, and Viper halfway across the room)"

Kid: See, that's where yer wrong. I threw them HALFWAY across the room, you said I threw the across the room.

Tifa: Well, look, let's just drop this and concentrate on getting you guys back to your own world.

Viper: Ugh...

Barret: Hey, they're waking up.

Cloud: Wake up! (kicks Viper)

Tifa: CLOUD!

Cloud: What? I was just trying to help him wake up.

Lynx: (wakes up) Ugh... Where are we?

Viper: I dunno, but I just got kicked.

Lynx: You did? We must be at the villa/house at Costa de Sol in the world of FF7.

Viper: ...how the hell did you know all that from the fact that I got kicked?

Lynx: Cats are all knowing, my friend.

Viper: You're not a full cat!!

Tifa: Ok guys, settle down. We need to get you, Kid, and Serge back through the portal at the same time for it to work.

Lynx: Kid?! Serge?! (runs away)

Viper: (runs away too)

Tifa: ...

Serge: (wakes up) ...

Cloud: Hey, he woke up! Hey.

Serge: ...

Cloud: Say something, buddy.

Serge: ...

Cloud: Say something!!

Serge: ...

Cloud: TALK!!

Serge: ...

Cloud: Why won't he talk?!

Serge: ...

Tifa: Ok look, me, Barret, and Serge will go after the old man. Cloud, Aeris, and Kid can go chase the cat guy.

Barret: Huh? I thought you'd want to be with Cloud.

Tifa: Well, Cloud's been in the need for a haircut lately, so hanging around him might be a little dangerous.

Aeris: Ok then, let's go!

Cloud: Hold on, guys! Aren't you forgetting something?

Aeris: What, Cloud?

Cloud: That forecast that the weatherman made. If it's true, it'll be really dangerous to go outside today.

Barret: Cloud, since when are them weather foo's right, anyway?

Cloud: Ok, I guess...

Kid: Alright! Let's split up and catch those guys!

(Not too long after, not too far from the villa, not too—well, I've said enough)

Cloud: Look, he's over there! (points)

Aeris: That's a rock.

Cloud: No, not that, beyond that.

Aeris: That's another rock.

Cloud: No no no no... BEYOND that.

Aeris: Hey, he's right, there he—no wait, that's a rock too.

Kid: He's over there!

Lynx: (hiding behind a tiny pebble opposite the way Cloud was pointing) Drat, I've been spotted. (runs)

Aeris/Cloud/Kid: (run towards him)

Cloud: Whoa, there's a cliff there.

Aeris: No, it's not a cliff, it's only--

Lynx: You'll never catch me! (jumps off cliff) AAAAEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee...!!

Kid: Bugger! He jumped off the cliff!

Aeris: It's only a five foot drop; come on, let's get him!

(Old People's Home, somewhere in Mideel)

Tifa: How did we get here so fast?

Barret: Who cares, we have to search for the old Viper dude!

Tifa: Barret, we're surrounded by old dudes.

Barret: That's exactly why he would hide here, and exactly why we came here to search for him.

Tifa: Now where exactly IS he?

Barret: Well, we have to look for him.

Tifa: But he's an old guy in a Old People's Home. How would we tell him apart?

Barret: He's got armor and a sword.

Tifa: ...good point. Got any ideas, Serge?

Serge: ... (shakes head)

Tifa: Ok then, we begin the search! (begins search)

(at a newly-built zoo, somewhere in Nibelheim)

Aeris: Cloud, settle down!

Cloud: OMIGOSH! Look at the penguins!

Kid: Jeez, it's like he's never been to a zoo before, eh?

Aeris: Actually, this is the world's first zoo. I don't remember passing by any zoos on our search for Sephy...

Kid: Uh...

Cloud: OH JOY! Lookit! Hedgehogs! Where's Sonic?

Aeris: Come to think of it, I never saw any clothing stores, food shops, or places to buy household things back then, either. But, then how did we have those things?

Cloud: w00t! I see a cat!

Kid: Well, let's concentrate on our search—wait, did you say a "cat", Cloud?

Cloud: Yeah! Lookit! (points to exhibit)

Kid: Well, I'll be damned! It's him!

Cloud: How do you know? Looks like a regular cat to me.

Kid: He's wearing clothes.

Cloud: Well, you can't expect one to just leave the house naked, now can yo—ohhhhhhh...

Lynx: Drat! I've been found! (runs) (trips on a rock) (hits head on edge of it) Owie...

Kid: He seems to say "drat" a lot...

Aeris: Hurry Cloud, grab him!

Cloud: But the sign says not to lean over the railing!

Kid: Oh, for crying out loud! (jumps over railing and throws huge five ton boulder on top of Lynx)

Aeris: Yeah, uh... That was a good idea... A little drastic but it'll hold him.

Kid: Heh, the point wasn't ta hold him... Ok, let's bring him back to the villa.

(back at the Old People's Home)

Tifa: (sigh) Ok, I checked rooms 10,240 through 23,410, but didn't find him... How about you guys?

Barret: Rooms 1 through 10,239 are clear, no sign of him.

Tifa: Serge, find him in any of the rooms, from 23,411 to 30,000?

Serge: (shakes head)

Barret: Jeez, I can't believe how huge this place is. It'd be a miracle to find him here.

Just then they see Palmer in the other end of the hallway, pushing an old man in a wheelchair—an armored, sword-wielding old man in a wheelchair!

Barret: Palmer!

Palmer: Oh, it's you again. Before you say anything, yes, I accept your apology.

Tifa: Huh? For what!?

Palmer: Making that truck hit me on purpose... You know, in when we were fighting for the Tiny Bronco.

Tifa: That wasn't us!

Palmer: Apology accepted. Now if you'll excuse me, I must get my grandpa over to his room on the 584th floor.

Barret: Listen here, foo'! That old man in that wheelchair is coming with us!

Palmer's Grandpa: (sleeping peacefully)

Palmer: I will not give you my grandpa! ...unless you have some lard.

Tifa: You'd trade your grandpa for lard?

Palmer: Well... yeah. Wouldn't you?

Tifa: No!

Barret: Damn it, just give the fat guy some lard.

Palmer: Don't say "fat"!

Serge: (gives Palmer lard)

Tifa: Where'd you get that from so quick?

Serge: (points to pocket)

Palmer: Ok! You can have my grandpa.

Barret: (hoists Viper on his shoulder) He sure is sleeping soundly.

Palmer: Yeah, I was playing around with vaccines and accidentally gave him a dose of elephant tranquilizer... twice.

Barret: Twice?

Palmer: Well, I gotta go. (runs)

Tifa: Whatever... Let's just go back to our house.

(at the villa)

Tifa, Barret, and Serge walk in to find Cloud, Aeris, and Kid waiting on the couch, and a squashed Lynx on the floor.

Kid: Oi! You guys sure took yer time.

Tifa: Do you have any idea how many places we had to look through!?

Kid: 30,000?

Tifa: How'd you know?

Kid: I guessed.

Aeris: Well, now that we've gotten everyone here, it's time to say goodbye.

Tifa: Wait, where's the portal?

Kid: The blasted thing was in front of the TV, so we moved it outside.

Barret: (thinking to himself) How they do that?

They go outside, towards the portal. Serge grabs the knocked out Viper, and Kid grabs the knocked out Lynx. They stand in front of the portal, and get ready to jump through. But just as they go to jump...

Cloud: Wait!

Everyone looks at him.

Kid: What's the matter, mate?

Cloud: Come... visit us sometime, ok?

Kid: Huh?

Cloud: I enjoyed hunting a cat man with you. I hope we can do it again sometime.

Tifa & Aeris: (cast dark looks at Kid)

Kid: Hmm... That's a bad analogy, but I think I understand what you're saying.

Barret: Heh, and they say my analogy was bad...

Kid: Well, uh, I'll try to visit ya, mate. After I get done with this whole Chronopolis mess with Serge, I'll come visit you guys.

Cloud: (smiling) Ok.

Tifa & Aeris: (if looks could kill, Kid would be dead)

Kid: Bye.

Barret & Cloud: Bye.

Tifa & Aeris: Go.

Kid and Serge jump through the portal, holding Viper and Lynx, and disappear. A moment later, the portal closes.

Tifa and Aeris start walking back to the house.

Tifa: (scoffs) That Kid, she's no competition for us.

Aeris: Nope, not al all.

Cloud: (looking up at the clear sky) Well, Barret... I guess you were right, "them weathermen foo's" were wrong again.

Barret: What did I tell ya, huh? (chuckles) Alright, man, let's go in. (goes back in the villa)

Cloud: (still looking up) Yeah, today was a good day.

Cloud starts walking back to the villa, when suddenly he is hit by snow, sleet, hail, is shocked by a tropical thunderstorm, is shaken and stirred by two tornadoes, crushed under the power of five earthquakes, burned by fifteen forest fires, and drowns in the melting of the polar ice caps.

Cloud: (with eyes as X's) I guess them weathermen foo's... were right after all...

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