Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity
Episode #006
Craterite, Please
At Shinra HQ, cafeteria, the Turks are enjoying their delicious VIP lunch.
Tseng: Trade my baloney sandwich for your Hot Pockets?
Rude: No.
Reno: All right, bye. (closes cell phone)
Elena: I just don't agree with you hanging people up...
Reno: Kill me.
Rude: Here. (hands Reno a remote control)
Reno: Huh? What's this for?
Rude: Her.
Reno: (points it to Elena and presses a button) (Elena is zapped with a ray)
Elena (trance-like): "...will return, after these messages from our sponsors."
Reno: Sweet. Does this thing pick up Playboy?
Sephiroth: Hey.
Tseng: What are you doing here?
Sephiroth: I've come to take over Shinra. Muahahahahaha...
Rufus: You don't want to, it's boring. All the paperwork... Not to mention you never get any respect you deserve.
Sephiroth: Yeah but... it's your dad's company. Don't you care that I'm gonna steal it from you?
Rufus: Nah, you can have it.
Sephiroth: ...but I came here to do something evil! Making you happy isn't evil! Wait, I got it! I'll refuse to take your company away from you. Ha! That's evil! You know, because it's relative.
Rufus: That's cool, too.
Sephiroth: (sigh) Ok then, I'm gonna take over the Turks!
Tseng: Now you die.
Reno: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Elena (trance-like): "...seven were killed, and several dozen wounded. Police say..."
Scarlet: (walking in) Now now, you boys settle down.
Sephiroth: What!? I'm not gonna answer to—
Tseng: Don't fight it man, don't fight it...
Reno: What do you want with us now, Scarlet?
Scarlet: First of all, gimme your Hot Pockets.
Rude: ...no.
Scarlet: That's an order!
Rude: ...get your own.
Scarlet: Gimme! (takes Rude's Hot Pockets)
Rude: ... (makes more)
Scarlet: (speaking with her mouth full) Anyshwaif, Aye needshf youf... (swallows) Ahem, I need you to get me a sample of a rare undiscovered material that grows in the North Crater.
Reno: Who are you to order us around?
Rufus: She's the head of the Meaningless Sidequest Creations Committee.
Scarlet: Yes, I am very proud of my position in the MSCC.
Reno: I thought sidequests were for the good guys.
Scarlet: Anyway, the undiscovered materiel's name is Craterite, and it's one of the strongest materials on the planet. I need it to build a robot.
Reno: If it's undiscovered, then how do you know about it?
Scarlet: Go now!
Reno: If it's undiscovered, then how do you know about it?
Scarlet: Go now!
Rude: Deja vu.
Scarlet: Go now!
Tseng: All right, all right, we'll go! But could you at least give us coordinates?
Scarlet: 167, 432, 560, 251.
Tseng: Hey, that's Sephiroth's house.
Scarlet: No, Sephiroth's house is 167, 431, 559, 252.
Tseng: That's a few feet away from his house.
Scarlet: But not his house.
Reno: Whatever, let's just go. The sooner we do this the sooner we can get back and rest.
Rude: And eat more Hot Pockets.
Reno: You need help. You're addicted.
Rude: No.
Rufus: Good luck, guys.
Reno: You're not coming?
Rufus: I'm the pres. What do you think?
Sephiroth: Alright, look, during the trip there you may notice I'm going the same way you are, but just remember I'm not following you. I'm going home.
(Five minutes later…)
Reno: Dude, stop following us.
Sephiroth: I'm going home!
(Five more minutes later, the group reaches the ocean…)
Sephiroth: Amazing how fast traveling by foot is.
(The group puts on special boots and starts their walk across the ocean)
Sephiroth: You know, these gold-chocobo boots are amazing. I didn't even know they existed. Boots that simulate the abilities of gold chocobos! Amazing! Who made them?
Elena: Scarlet. She made them from the last undiscovered material she had us go find.
Reno: She never had us go find materials before.
Elena: Oh yeah… I did that one all by myself. You guys were out drinking at the time.
Reno: Ha! That's what you get for being such a good worker. Extra work! Next time, ditch work and come have some drinks with us.
Elena: But, we could get in trouble…
Reno: Yeah, right. Scarlet is all talk; she'd never fire anyone. It'd be easier to find trouble out here in the ocean than with Scarlet.
(Suddenly, a huge squid, sea-monster-type-thing pops out of the water)
Tseng: Looks like trouble.
Elena: I guess Reno was right.
Rude: Let me take care of this. (throws Hot Pocket at the monster)
Huge Squid Sea-Monster-Type Thing: (eats Hot Pocket) (swims away)
Reno: (impressed) Whoa.
Rude: (nods) Multi-purpose.
(Five more, more, minutes after that, the group reaches the Northern Crater)
Sephiroth: No, I mean it! Why do we even have cars or planes? We just walked between continents in fifteen minutes.
Tseng: Quiet. Now we must search for the Craterite. Elena, you've got the tracking device; are we close?
Sephiroth: Ah, home at last! (goes inside house)
Elena: I guess we're there.
Reno: All right, now we just have to find this stupid rock and go home.
They search around for a few minutes, but don't find many rocks. And the ones they do find aren't Craterite.
Rude: Hmph. Unexpected.
Reno: We're at the Northern Crater! An explosion made this place! We should be surrounded by rocks and pebbles, and, in turn, Craterite!
Tseng: Hey look, a pointy yellow rock.
Reno, Rude and Elena follow Tseng's gaze. Indeed, behind a boulder, there is a strange pointy yellow thing protruding.
Reno: (narrows eyes) Wait a minute… (walks slowly closer to the "rock") That's no rock… (walks even closer) Don't tell me it's… (grabs the pointy yellow thing and pulls)
Cloud: AAAH! (goes flying out of his hiding spot, falling face-first on the ground not too far away)
Tseng/Reno/Rude/Elena: CLOUD?!
Cloud: (eyes closed, rubbing head) Ok, ok, you found me, but you didn't have to pull that hard.
Reno: What are you doing here?!
Cloud: (opens eyes) …hey, you're not Barret and Tifa, or anyone from AVALANCHE!
Reno: Well, Barret, I'm glad I'm not, but Tifa, maybe…
Elena: (smacks Reno)
Cloud: (stands up) Well, the gang had a great idea. Play Hide and Seek! I'm it, and they said to go hide somewhere in the Northern Crater, but… I've been hidden for more than a day now, and they haven't come.
Rude: Heh.
Reno: HAHAHAHAHA! They tricked you bad! They're probably back in Costa de Sol relaxing.
Cloud: No, I think my hiding spot is just too good. (gasp) I have to hide again before they find me! (jumps behind rock again)
Reno: (pulls Cloud out again) They're not here. You got tricked.
Cloud: Ok, ok, I'll stop hiding. But if they find me it's your fault.
Elena: (terrified) Cloud! The lower half of your body is completely black!
Cloud: Oh, this? It's just a swarm of ants. The bad thing about that hiding spot was that it was right on top of a huge anthill.
Elena: Doesn't that hurt?
Cloud: (stops and thinks) Hey, now that you mention it… OWWWWWWWWWWW!! (rolls around on the ground mad with pain)
Rude throws a Hot Pocket on the ground, next to Cloud, and the ants all rush to it.
Cloud: (stands up) Hey, thanks.
Reno: Whoa.
Rude: Multi-purpose…
Tseng: Could we just get back to our meaningless sidequest?
Cloud: A sidequest?! Let me help!!
Reno: NO!
Elena: Oh, come on. It wouldn't hurt. We're not having much luck, anyway.
Reno: Fine, but only because… uh…just look!
Cloud: Ok! (starts searching) Wait, what are we searching for?
Tseng: Craterite.
Cloud: Oh yeah. That rare, undiscovered material that was on the news.
Reno: On the news?
Tseng: Elena, check the coordinates again. Make sure they're right.
Elena: Our objective is… 167, 432, 560, 251. We're currently at… 167, 432, 560, 250.
Reno: Ok, so we just have to walk a few steps to the… uh… wait, what is that coordinate?
Elena: 250? Um… I think it's… X? No wait… It's not Y…
Tseng: Do four coordinates even exist?
Cloud: Wait, 167, 432, 560, 251, that's Sephiroth's house.
Tseng: Isn't it a few feet from his house?
Cloud: No, it's his house.
Tseng: I knew it!
Reno: Can we trust him?
Tseng: Well, who would you trust, Cloud or Scarlet?
Reno: …tough choice.
Rude: Elena, run a check on the material Sephiroth's house is made of.
Elena: Ok. (runs a check) Hey! It's Craterite!
Reno: All right! Let's break off a piece and be off.
Cloud: Wait! We need permission first.
Reno: What?! I don't need any permission to do anything.
Cloud: Trust me, I can tell you, from experience, people are usually not happy when you chip their houses without permission.
Reno: How often do you go chipping houses?!
Cloud knocks on the door to Seph's house. A red-eyed sleepy Sephiroth answers.
Sephiroth: (sleepily) No, we don't want (yawn) your girl scout cookies.
Cloud: Hey, Sephiroth, we need a piece of your house.
Sephiroth: Cloud!! My mortal enemy!! Why did you wake me up at this ungodly hour?!
Tseng: You were sleeping? But you just went in there five minutes ago.
Elena: And it's noon, for "Steve's" sake.
Rude: It's "Pete."
Sephiroth: (sleepily and grumpy) Yeah well, a lot of things seem to be happening in five minutes, huh? And Cloud! If I wasn't so sleepy, and if I hadn't lost my Masamune, I'd be on you right now like Rude on Hot Pockets.
Cloud: Ok, we can fight and stuff later, but right now I want a piece of your house.
Sephiroth: (sleepily and grumpy) Sure whatever, but you mark my words! The next time we meet, we're having a SHOWDOWN! (slams door shut)
Sephiroth: (opens door again) Did you say a piece of my house?
Cloud: Yeah.
Sephiroth: (thinks for a moment) 'K. (slams door)
Reno: Ok, now can I chip off a piece?
Cloud: Sure!
Reno: (brings in a wrecking ball and slams off an entire wall of Sephiroth's house, revealing fully his room) There. Now we can go.
Tseng: We only needed a sample, you know.
Reno: So?
Sephiroth: (yelling with his eyes closed) Keep it down out there! Damn neighbors…
Cloud: (proudly) Well, sidequest completed! I'll go home now; I think the guys gave up since they couldn't find me.
Reno: Heh, yeah, you do that.
(back at Shinra HQ, five minutes later…)
Elena: We're back!
Scarlet: Well, that was quick.
Reno: Here's your stupid Craterite.
Scarlet: (holds Craterite above her head) I have the power! (a beam of light shines down on Scarlet)
Tseng: Where the hell is that light coming from?
Scarlet: I can feel its power passing through me!
Scarlet: …I'll go build the robot now. (leaves)
Reno: Well, that's over.
Rude: (opens microwave and pulls out Hot Pockets) Yum.
(Five minutes later…)
Scarlet: (comes running in) I've finished the robot!
Reno: Does anything not happen in five minutes around here? Jeez.
Scarlet: I shall call it, Proud Cola!
A little hoover bot slides from behind Scarlet.
Reno: Proud Cola? Well, at least you didn't leave out a letter this time.
Scarlet: I meant to spell it Proud Clod instead of Proud Cloud you twit!
Tseng: So, what exactly does your robot do?
Scarlet: It doubles as both a dishwasher and a vacuum cleaner.
Reno: More useful than Proud Clod was.
Scarlet: Shut up! Oh yeah, it also works as a vending machine. (kicks robot's mid-section) (soda can falls out)
Scarlet: (pops it open and drinks it) Ah, carbonated goodness.
Tseng: You had us go to the Northern Crater just for that?
Scarlet: They don't call them meaningless sidequests for nothing, you know.
Rude: Just be happy it's over. (munches on Hot Pockets)
(at the Costa de Sol villa)
Cloud: (walking in) Hey guys, you here?
Cloud searches the entire house, but finds no one.
Cloud: I don't think they gave up yet.
Reeve: Hey.
Cloud jumps back in surprise. Reeve is sitting on the couch watching TV.
Cloud: AH! Reeve, how long have you been sitting there?
Reeve: I've been sitting here the whole time. How in the world did you miss me?
Cloud: Really? Hey, have you seen the others?
Reeve: Oh yeah, they just left a little white ago to get some food.
Cloud: Did they give up the Hide and Seek?
Reeve: Huh? They never said anything about Hide and Seek.
Cloud: Well, I guess they were too embarrassed about not being able to find me. (sits down on the couch and watches TV) Hope they get back soon; I haven't eaten in over a day.
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