Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity
Episode #007
Ninja Tribulations
Tifa, Cid, Reeve and Barret are sitting on the couch at the villa. Tifa and Barret are snoring away, while Cid watches TV attentively. Suddenly, Yuffie walks in. She walks beside Cid.
Yuffie: Hey, Cid, I need a favor.
Cid: (eyes still on TV) mumble mumble
Yuffie: Cid! Favor! Please!
Cid: (eyes still on TV) mumbly mumble whisper
Yuffie: CID!
Cid: (eyes still on TV) whispery mumble
Yuffie stomps across the room and turns the TV off. Immediately, Cid jumps up infuriated, and Tifa, Reeve and Barret wake up, rubbing their eyes.
Cid: What the hell are you doing, brat?! That's the Dukes of Hazzard super-rare special episode!
Yuffie: Cid, I need a favor from you!
Cid: What is it?!
Yuffie: I need to borrow the Tiny Bronco.
Cid: Whatever, whatever, just turn the TV back on.
Yuffie: (turns TV back on)
Cid: (goes back to trance-like TV-watching state)
Tifa: (yawn) So where are you going, Yuffie?
Yuffie: Back to Wutai.
Barret: What for, foo'?!
Yuffie: It's time for me to take my next ninja test. I need to do it to climb the ninja ranks.
Barret: And give us some ninja free happy time, heh.
Tifa: (smacks Barret)
Barret: What was that for?!
Yuffie: Ok then, I'll be off. (walks out the door)
Tifa: Say, where has Cloud been?
Reeve: Yesterday, he came around saying something about Hide and Seek. Then he left again right before you guys came back.
Barret: Oh yeah, that Hide and Seek thing! Hahahaha!
Tifa: Did he say where he was going?
Reeve: He said he was gonna hide in Wutai. And he also told me not to tell you. Wait… oops.
Tifa: You know, I think we better go get Cloud. This Hide and Seek practical joke has gone too far.
Barret: (has been rolling on the ground laughing for the last couple of seconds) Phew, yeah, it definitely went too far. I almost died of laughter right here.
Reeve: Just for the record, did you have any part in it, Tifa?
Tifa: Actually, it was Barret and Aeris that tricked him.
Reeve: Aeris?
Tifa: Strange, but true. Ok, let's go Barret.
Barret: (sigh) Alright…
Tifa: Reeve, don't you wanna come too? Better do it before…
Reeve: (snoring away)
Tifa: …too late.
Barret: How can Cid stand watching that stuff… Jeez.
Tifa and Barret walk out the door, and find Yuffie there!
Tifa: Yuffie?! Weren't you going to Wutai?
Yuffie: Yeah but I… don't know how to work the Tiny Bronco.
Barret: So you were just gonna wait out here 'til someone came along?
Yuffie: Err… maybe.
Tifa: Let's just go.
The three circle the house and board the Tiny Bronco in the backyard.
Barret: Hold on! Hold on!
Tifa: What is it?
Barret: I ain't sitting next to Yuffie! She's gonna get sick and blow chunks all over me!
Yuffie: Shut up! I can stand it, ok?!
Barret: No, you can't!
Tifa: Ok! Look, do you want to fly it then?
Barret: Yeah, I'll do that. (trades seats with Tifa) (looks at controls) Yuffie, how the hell do you not know how to fly this thing?
Yuffie: Huh?
Barret: There are two buttons on this panel. Fly and Land.
Yuffie: (sweatdrops) Cid must have changed it.
Barret: Cid hasn't touched the Tiny Bronco since the Meteor incident.
Yuffie: Ninjas aren't trained to fly planes, ok?!
Barret: Dumb brat. (presses Fly and the Tiny Bronco rises to the air)
Barret: Off to Corel!
Yuffie: It's Wutai!
Barret: Not anymore!
Yuffie: Hey, you're going the wrong way!
Barret: Too bad!
Yuffie: It's that way, moron!
Barret: I'm the one in the pilot's seat! Muahaha!
Tifa: (sigh)
(an hour and five minutes(ha, just had to be 5) later, they arrive in Wutai)
Barret: (knocked out in the back seat)
Yuffie: I think you hit him too hard, Tifa.
Tifa: I had to; he really was taking us to Corel. (presses Land on the control panel)
(The Tiny Bronco smoothly lands in the town entrance, and the two get out. Barret slowly wakes up)
Barret: (yawn) Mumble, damn Dukes of… (looks around) Hey, where is we?
Tifa: Wutai, remember?
Barret: What we doing here?
Yuffie: You definitely hit him too hard.
Tifa: It'll go away. Just follow us.
(Yuffie leads them across town to her dad's house. They find her dad sprawled on the floor in his bedroom, sleeping)
Yuffie: What the…? Hey dad! Wake up!
(Godo suddenly wakes up, jumps up, and throws his arms up)
Godo: (desperate) Please please! Take whatever you want, just don't hurt me!
Tifa/Yuffie/Barret: …
Godo: Oh uh… Hey.
Yuffie: Dad, come on, it's time!
Godo: Who are you?
Yuffie: (sigh) Yuffie, your daughter.
Godo: I have a daughter?
Yuffie: Come on, it's time!
Godo: Time for lunch?
Yuffie: No! My next ninja trials!
Godo: …the who?
Yuffie: The ninja trials!
Godo: (looks at her for a few seconds) That was today?
Yuffie: Don't tell me you forgot.
Godo: No, no, of course not! Uh, ok, let's head over to the trial place, shall we? (looks around for a second) Where is the trial place, again?
Yuffie: The Pagoda of the Five Mighty Gods!
Godo: Right, right, I knew that. Ok, let's go.
The group heads out of the house and over to the Pagoda. They stop at the first floor.
Godo: We begin here. You'll have five trials. Each trial will be a floor up, and harder.
Yuffie: Ok, give me my first trial.
Godo: Ok, first trial… Uh… (looks left and right) Um… Oh, I got it! Make me a sandwich.
Yuffie: What?!
Godo: Come on, get to it.
Yuffie walks out of the Pagoda, and walks back in a few minutes later with a sloppy sandwich.
Yuffie: Here.
Godo: (takes the sandwich and eats it)
The four walk up to the second floor of the Pagoda.
Pagoda: Hmm… Now I'm thirsty… I got it! Your second trial is to get me some coffee.
Yuffie: (raises eyebrow) Are you just trying to make me get you your breakfast?
Godo: Why, no, uh, of course not. It's your ninja trials.
Barret: (whispering to Tifa) It sure seems like breakfast…
Tifa: (nudges Barret) Shhh…
Godo: Now go!
Yuffie walks out of the Pagoda and comes back in a few minutes later with a cup of coffee, that, by the steam coming from it, looks way too hot.
Yuffie: (sigh) Here.
Godo: (takes the cup and drinks it all in one gulp) Hey, that's pretty go—AAAAAAAAAHHH!! MY THROAT IS ON FIRE!! HELP!! Okay, I'm all better now.
They walk up to the third floor.
Barret: (whispering to Tifa) Can we just go look for Cloud now?
Tifa: (whispering) Come on, let's stay here and support Yuffie.
Barret: (whispering) How much support does somebody need to make breakfast?!
Godo: Ok, Yuffie. Next trial. It's to uh… (thinks for a moment) Ah! Yes, bring me some ice cream.
Yuffie: This is just getting ridiculous!
Godo: Whatever do you mean?
Yuffie: I thought you were supposed to send me on stealth missions, to retrieve a cool item, or assassinate an evil mob leader, or something.
Godo: Oh yeah, I was supposed to do that, wasn't I… I mean err, no, this is just another type of training. It's for uh… Household ninjas!
Yuffie: Give me a real trial this time, that is, if you ever want to see this again… (holds up rubber ducky)
Godo: I just saw it again.
Yuffie: Well, if you ever want to play with it again…
Godo: NO! NOT THAT! Ok ok! I'll give you a real trial, just leave Mr. Squeaky alone!
Barret: (whispering to Tifa) Godo playing with a rubber ducky. This is an unexpected development.
Tifa: (whispering to Barret) Well, playing with rubber duckies isn't as uncommon as you think… (eyes Barret)
Barret: What?! That ducky ain't mine! Like ten people live in the villa, it could be anyone's!
Tifa: (keeps eyeing Barret suspiciously for a moment)
Barret: (looks around with a look of paranoia) (not to anyone in particular) Ten people in that house… It ain't mine, it ain't mine… Ducky could be anyone's! Just 'cause it's there after I leave the bathroom doesn't mean it's mine!
Godo: Ok, are you ready for your real trial?
Yuffie: Bring it on!
Godo: Bring me back a rock from the Cosmo Canyon area, a Head Hunter's bones from the Mideel area, some metal parts from some Midgar Sweepers, and some mousse from the Costa de Sol area.
Yuffie: Right on it! (rushes out)
Barret: (whining) Tiffaaaaaaaa… she'll take days…!
Tifa: Oh, stop whining.
A WPS man(Wutai Postal Service) walks in and hands Godo a letter. Then leaves. Quickly.
Godo: Hey, it's a letter from Yuffie.
Barret: WHAT?!
Godo: (opens up and reads letter) Hey, would you look at that. She says she's been ninjanapped by Don Corneo.
Tifa: Oh no!
Barret: She had time to write and mail a letter?
Tifa: Barret, we've gotta save Yuffie!
Barret: A letter?!
(at the hand of the Da-chao statue, Tifa and Barret find Yuffie strapped to the same exact place as last time, and Don at the same exact place as before)
Tifa: Yuffie!
Yuffie: Guys!
Don Corneo: I see you have arrived. But, how did you guess I was here?
Tifa: We suspected you'd be here.
Barret: You're pretty stupid, holding the same person hostage at the same exact place.
Tifa: We set up matresses down there, so Yuffie won't be hurt if you drop her.
Yuffie: Woo, go guys!
Don Corneo: Well, uh... (throws rock down onto the matresses) HA! Now she'll hit that rock on the impact. And it'll hurt... a little.
Everyone: ...
Don Corneo: I'm screwed, aren't I?
Barret: (brings up gun-arm) Let her go, now!
Don Corneo: (nervously) Think fast… think fast…
Voice from above: aaaaaaaaaaahhh…
Tifa: What's that? (looks up)
Voice from above: aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHH…
Tifa: BARRET, WATCH OUT!
Cloud: (falls on top of Barret) Hey, thanks for breaking my fall, Barret.
Tifa: Cloud?!
Cloud: Aww, you found me.
Tifa: What?!
Cloud: Hide and Seek, remember? I was hiding at the top of this statue, but then I slipped and fell…
Barret: x_x
Yuffie: Barret's out again…
Don Corneo: Hahaha! Now that Barret's out, you can't reach me! I'm all the way over here!
Cloud: (throws a rock at Don)
Don Corneo: OW! MY EYE! What did you do that for?!
Cloud: Let Yuffie go! (throws another rock)
Don Corneo: OW! Stop that!
Cloud: Let her go!! (throws another rock)
Don Corneo: OW!! Please stop!
Cloud: Only if you let her go!
Don Corneo: Look, can't I just keep her for one night?
Cloud: No!
Don Corneo: Just a few hours, then!
Cloud: No!
Don Corneo: Just a measly hour!
Cloud: No!
Don Corneo: Thirty minutes is all I ask!
Cloud: No!
Don Corneo: FIVE MINUTES! Five little minutes!
Cloud: Well, I guess that seems harmless enoug--
Yuffie: CLOUD!
Cloud: I mean, no!
Don Corneo: (looks around in a panic) You'll never catch me, you demons! (jumps off cliff) (lands on matress) OW!! Blasted rock.
Yuffie: Phew, I'm saved. (straps are released) (falls) AAAAAAAHH!!!
Tifa/Cloud: YUFFIE!
Yuffie plummets down and falls on top of Don, and is knocked back up by the bounciness of his belly. She lands safely on top of Barret.
Yuffie: He's a trampoline for cryin' out loud.
Don Corneo: Shut up!
Tifa: Guys, we have to catch him to make sure he doesn't pull anything again!
Don Corneo: (stands up and dusts self off) (suddenly gets hit by a truck out of nowhere) AAAAAAHH!! HEY, THAT'S PALMER'S JOB, DAMN IT!
Cloud: I guess we don't now.
(back at the Pagoda)
Godo: Interesting story. Well, Yuffie, for your acts of courage in such a situation, you pass the trials.
Yuffie: Yay!
Tifa: Acts of courage?
Godo: Now let me get back to sleep… (walks out of the Pagoda)
Yuffie: Well, thanks guys. We can go home now.
Tifa: At least we didn't get hurt.
Barret: zzzZZZzzz…
Cloud: Not all of us…
(they walk out of the Pagoda and start for the Tiny Bronco)
Tifa: So, Cloud, how did you get here, anyway?
Cloud: Same way I got to the Northern Crater. I walked.
Tifa: …what?
(they reach the Tiny Bronco)
Cloud: Ooh, ooh, let me drive!!
Yuffie: It's a plane! You fly it, not drive it.
Tifa: (throws knocked-out Barret in the backseat and gets in)
Yuffie: (gets in as well)
Cloud: (gets in the driver's seat)
Tifa: I wonder if Cid's little program is over yet…
Yuffie: (takes out bag) Urk… I hope the flight isn't long.
Cloud: How the hell do you fly this thing?
Yuffie/Tifa: …
--
-