Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity
Episode #008
Dream Exploring
The gang is in the living room of the villa, watching late-night TV. Tifa walks out of the bedroom, yawning, already in her pajamas.
Tifa: Please, everybody, could you please turn that off so I can sleep?!
Everybody: (moan) Aww…
Reeve: But we spent all day working on adding more rooms to the villa, can't we just…
Tifa: No! Turn it off! Now!
Cloud: But Tifa… Adult Swim is on, and…
Tifa: I don't care! It's way past your bedtime already, mister! (grabs one of Cloud's ears and drags him to the bedroom)
Cid: Well, we better be gettin' ourselves in there too, unless we want that to happen to us.
Yuffie: I think I saw her nails actually pierce his ear.
Barret: We best be going.
After turning off the TV, Aeris, Cid, Yuffie, Barret, Reeve, Vincent and Red XIII get up and walk tiredly towards their bedrooms. They get there, make their beds, and lay down. Almost immediately, they fall asleep. All except for Cloud.
Cloud: (thinking) Aw, I can't get to sleep. I can't stop thinking about that show I was watching… Jeez, I've been waiting hours to watch that show, ever since Reeve told me about it this afternoon!
Cloud twists and turns a few times.
Cloud: (thinking) I wonder why my ear's stinging…
Finally, a few minutes later he goes to sleep. But then he wakes up again.
Cloud: Argh, I woke up already…
He goes to get up, but when he steps off the bed, he doesn't feel a floor. He falls through and slams on another floor, a long way down.
Cloud: Ow! What the…
Cloud stands up and looks around. Before him he sees his bed, and him sleeping on it!
Cloud: Hey, that's me!
He notices, however, that he (not the form on the bed) has shrunk. His bed is about five times bigger than him, and he stands about a foot from it.
Cloud: What happened to me?
He looks above the head of his form sleeping on the bed, and sees a cloud. An empty cloud.
Cloud: Hey! I got it! I was dreaming, then I fell out of my dream cloud! Wow, that's amazing! (light bulb) Hey, this small, I could watch TV without Tifa knowing. (he thinks for a minute) No, I don't think I'd be able to turn the dial. Or press the button.
He walks out of his room, squeezing through the tiny opening his door provided.
Cloud: Hmm… I wonder if I could…
He runs to Aeris's room. Looking up, he notices Aeris has a dream cloud over her head, too. He slowly climbs up the side of Aeris's bed. He jumps on her head, and hops up the little cloud puffs leading to her dream cloud. When he's close enough he jumps inside.
Ow, was the first thing he thought. That hurt, was the second. Cloud stood up. He was in a kitchen.
Cloud: A kitchen? Aeris is dreaming about a kitchen?
Cloud looks around.
Cloud: Hey! This is the villa's kitchen!
Cloud looks at the floor. Aeris is sleeping on it.
Cloud: And hey! That's Aeris! (runs to Aeris) Aeris, Aeris, wake up!
Aeris: (yawns) Yeah Cloud?
Cloud: Why are you dreaming about sleeping on the floor of the kitchen?
Aeris: Huh? Oh, the kitchen… (hugs the floor) The kitchen talks to me… I can hear its voice…
Cloud: I thought that was the planet.
Aeris: The kitchen is part of the planet…
Cloud: Oh.
Aeris: So, what are you doing in my dream?
Cloud: I couldn't sleep, so I decided to explore some dream clouds.
Aeris: Yeah, that's nice… (lays back down on the floor) Try sleeping on the kitchen floor sometime, it's real… (yawn) cozy…
Cloud: Really? I never woulda guessed. Isn't it cold, though?
Aeris: zzzZZZzzz…
Cloud: Err… Ok, good night Aeris.
Cloud walks to the edge of the kitchen and jumps out. He finds himself plummeting down to the ground again. He slams hard on the floor.
Cloud: Ow. I need to be careful about getting out of those dream clouds… (looks up at Aeris's huge(compared to him) form on the gigantic(compared to him) bed in front of him) Ok, next!
Next, Cloud runs over to the Barret's room. He gets into his dream cloud the same way he did Aeris's. The first thing he hears is gunfire. Then an explosion. Then more gunfire. Cloud looks around to see that he is in the middle of a ruined wasteland. The ground is just dirt and mud; he can see no plants anywhere.
There are explosions in every direction, and gunfire as well. Suddenly, a rocket flies at him. Cloud ducks the rocket; it flies past him, exploding on a hill nearby. He stands up and looks around.
Cloud: What is this?! War?!
He gets knocked down by someone, right before another rocket flies past him, exploding on another hill.
Barret: You FOO'! This is war! You're just gonna stand around here in no-man's land until you get blown to smithereens?!
Cloud: Barret! This is your dream?!
Barret: DREAM?! Damn it, I told the President to get me some good men this time, and he sends me day dreamers?! This isn't no dream, foo'! This is war! (he suddenly looks up) Watch out! (Barret pushes Cloud down and fires a round at something behind him)
Cloud looks behind him to see a dead soldier, probably one that would have shot him if Barret hadn't taken care of him.
Cloud: Barret, I think you need to stop watching those war movies.
Barret: Barret?! That's Lieutenant Wallace to you, soldier.
Cloud: So, what are you fighting for, anyway?
Barret: What?
Cloud: What are you fighting for?
Barret: I uh… (looks around) I don't know. The President just said to grab the nearest gun and shoot some stuff down, and blow some stuff up.
Cloud: What for?!
Barret: Okay, look, I just did what I was told, okay?! (cries)
Cloud: Oh man, your dreams are weird.
Barret: (sniff) If only this was just a dream…
Cloud: It is.
Barret: (sniff) Then pinch me and wake me up.
Cloud: (pinches Barret)
Barret: OW! (rubs his arm) That's gonna leave a mark, you jerk!
Cloud: Who is this President, anyway?
Barret: (pulls out a picture of a rubber ducky) President Squeaks.
Cloud: Figures. You're the one that always plays with that rubber ducky in the villa, right?
Barret: You dare insult me like that?! When I get my hands on you—(he looks behind Cloud again) Oh no! Watch out!
Boom.
Cloud went flying out of the dream cloud, once again landing face first on the floor of Barret's bedroom. Cloud stood up and wiped the dust off himself, coughing.
Cloud: Weird dream.
Now Cloud heads to Red XIII's small bedroom. This time he has an easier time getting to Red's dream cloud, seeing as how Red sleeps on the floor. Once in, Cloud immediately ducks and covers, expecting to be hit by something.
Then he sees he's in a library, with bookshelves towering over his head, and rows of them that seemed endless. He hears some classical music in the background too.
Red XIII: Oh, an unexpected visit.
Cloud turns around and sees Red XIII standing on two feet, wearing a tux, and holding a glass of champagne.
Cloud: Hey Red! You're bipedal now?
Red XIII: Alas, this is but a quirk of dreaming. You don't really have to be true to your real life counterpart.
Cloud: What's with the accent?
Red XIII: Another quirk.
Cloud : Ohh…
They start walking along the bookshelves.
Red XIII: I would offer you a drink, but I seem to only have one glass in my dreams. Always…
Cloud: What are with the bookshelves?
Red XIII: You see, I have a great desire, and love for learning. Each book here represents a day's worth of studying I have done. As you can see, I have learned many interesting things.
Cloud: Wow… Each book is a day, huh?
Cloud looks around. He is surrounded by endless rows of bookcases, containing several dozen books each.
Cloud: There's gotta be, at least, twenty or thirty books here.
Red XIII: …
Cloud: How do you remember all this stuff?
Red XIII: My species has a brain more developed than the humans'. We have an easier time learning and remembering data, facts, and otherwise handy information.
Cloud: We? But isn't there only one of you?
Red XIII: Ah yes, I have not introduced my dear dream-wife. Pardon me.
Another of Red's species, one that looks like the female version of Red in Cloud's opinion, walked out from behind one of the bookshelves.
Red XIII: Allow me to introduce, Blue XXXI.
Blue XXXI: A pleasure, I am sure.
Cloud: …
Cloud: Wow, that's weird. But she's red like you, you know.
Red XIII: Alas, it is not I who hath chosen the name.
Blue XXXI: He is right. Twas my dear crazy scientist master who gave me this name.
Red XIII: Another trait we share.
Red & Blue: Ha ha ha ha ha…
Cloud: …right. So, can I take a look at one of these books? (reaches for a book)
Red XIII: No, Cloud, don't…!
As soon as Cloud touches the book, a trap opens under him and he plummets out of the dream cloud and back to the floor. This time, however, he falls on (real) Red's head, breaking his fall.
Cloud: What was that all about…
Next Cloud encounters the bedroom of Reeve. As soon as he enters his dream cloud, he is up to his neck in wires.
Cloud: Gah…!
Cloud tries to swim through the wires. Eventually, he's able to get out of them. He runs into Reeve, sitting at a desk typing on his computer.
Cloud: Reeve?
Reeve: Oh hey, Cloud.
Cloud: What are all those wires for?
Reeve: Oh, I'm just making a little something.
Cloud: Little?!
Reeve: Yeah, it's actually pretty simple.
Cloud: Then why the ten thousand wires?!
Reeve: …I just told you.
Cloud: Whatever. Well, good luck on it.
Reeve: Yeah, thanks.
Cloud: Nothing for me to do here, so I'll be going. (starts to walk)
Reeve: Okay, but before you go, can you just hand me that C++ book?
Cloud: Where?
Reeve: Over there.
Cloud: All I see is wires.
Reeve: It must be somewhere in the wires. Can you find it for me?
Cloud: No!
Reeve: Aw, come on, Cloud.
Cloud: (sigh) Alright, alright…
Cloud dives into the wires and searches around for a long time, but isn't able to find anything.
Cloud: I can't find it!
Reeve: Search harder!
Cloud searches around for another long time, but still finds no book. He jumps out of the mess of wires.
Cloud: Argh, I can't find it, Reeve!
Reeve: Oh, would you look at that. It was on my desk the whole time.
Cloud: …
Reeve: Sorry, Cloud.
Cloud: I'm gonna go. And don't ask me for favors again. Ever. Bye.
Cloud looks around. He is surrounded by wires.
Cloud: I can't get out from the sides, so I guess I have to go down…
He looks down, takes a deep breath and jumps. He's able to pierce through the dream cloud's floor and fall back down into the real world.
Cloud: (after dusting himself) I never really liked computers anyway… Could never figure out how to turn them on…
Cloud jogs to the next bedroom. He sees it is Yuffie's.
Cloud: Now this one's gonna have something to do with Materia.
After entering Yuffie's dream cloud, he finds he's in the middle of an endlass grassy plain with a shining sun.
Cloud: Paradise?
Oh, and it was raining Materia.
Cloud: Holy crap, it's raining Materia!
Yeah, it is.
Yuffie: Wee~
Cloud: Yuffie?
Cloud spots Yuffie, dancing around merrily in the shower of Materia. She lays down on the ground and makes Materia angels.
Yuffie: Weeeee~…
Cloud: Hey, Yuffie! (walks over to her)
Yuffie: (eyes snap open) Cloud?! What are you doing here?!
Cloud: Oh, see, I couldn't sleep so I went exploring some—
Yuffie: YOU CAN'T HAVE MY MATERIA!! (scoops up an armful of Materia off the ground and casts dozens of offensive spells on Cloud at the same time)
Cloud: (a blackened crisp) …dream clouds…
Yuffie: The Materia's mine!!
Cloud: Okay, Yuffie, sorry I was just— (starts walking away)
Yuffie: You nabbed some when you got up didn't you?! (chases Cloud)
Cloud: ACK! (starts running)
Yuffie casts spells on Cloud while chasing him, Cloud yelling "Ow" each time one hits him.
Cloud: I gotta get outta here!
Yuffie: Not with my Materia you won't!!
Cloud: I don't have any of your Materia!!
Yuffie: And what's that in your pocket?!
Cloud: My comb?!
Yuffie: Your other pocket!!
Cloud looks back to his pocket (while running) and sees a Materia.
Cloud: Is that what this's about?! Then take it! I don't want it! (throws Materia back at Yuffie, who stops chasing him once she grabs it)
Cloud runs like a maniac to the edge of the dream cloud, and jumps out as soon as he reaches it.
Cloud: (full of band-aids and blackened scorch marks on his skin) Talk about paranoia.
Next up, Cloud heads to Cid's room.
Cloud: I hope this one's normal, at least.
Cloud enters the dream cloud and immediately realizes he's in the sky, and falling fast.
Cloud: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!
Then he hits something. When the sits up he realizes he slammed into the back of a small airplane. The Tiny Bronco!
Cid: You damn lucky I was here at the right time.
Cloud: Cid! Thanks, I owe you one.
Cid: We're not out of the woods yet.
Cloud: Huh?
Cid: Look behind us.
Cloud turns around, to see several hundred fighter planes coming after them.
Cloud: HOLY MOTHER NUT!
Cid: This is nothing, kid. Last time I faced over a thousand.
Cloud: So this is what you dream about?!
Cid: It's not possible in real life, so why not dream it? Ok, they're coming.
Cid turns the plane around to face his attackers. For several minutes he skillfully dodges the hundreds of missiles being shot at him while shooting down all the planes in sight (while Cloud grips onto his seat for dear life). After a while, only one enemy fighter plane is left.
Cid: Ha! Just one left. All I got to do is kill this one and it'll be my 50th straight successful dream.
Cid starts flying towards the fighter.
Cloud: Oh my God I can't take it anymore! (jumps up and starts pressing buttons on Cid's control panel) Get me out of here!!
Cid: The hell?! Cloud, sit down! Stop pressing those!
Cid's able to elbow Cloud in the jaw, sending him to the backseat again.
Cid: Alright, now for the fighter pl—
He turns around and comes face to face with a missile.
Cid: Oh @#$%.
The Tiny Bronco blows up and Cid and Cloud are sent flying away.
Cid: DAMN IT CLOUD! I'LL Get youuuuuuuuuu…….. (disappears over the horizon)
Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHH!! (plummets down towards the endless ocean below)
Cloud: I'm gonna die! (splashes through the ocean, falling face first on the real world's floor)
He stands up and dusts himself off.
Cloud: Oh yeah, it was just a dream… I'm dry, too! Cool!
Shrugging, Cloud walks on. The next bedroom he enters is a dark one. He realizes it is Vincent's bedroom.
Cloud: Oh man, this dream's going to be a weird one.
Cloud hesitantly enters Vincent's dream cloud. He finds himself in a white place. It is all white, as far as he can see. Then he sees Vincent, crawled up into a ball next to him, and across from Vincent, a small Barret plushie doll.
Cloud: Vincent, are you okay?
Vincent: (looks up with one eye) The plushie… it, it's stalking me…
Cloud: Huh? (looks at the harmless, motionless Barret plushie) Man, Barret really traumatized you that time, huh?
Cloud walks over to the plushie doll and gets down next to it.
Cloud: Kinda cute, though.
Plushie: FOO'! Who you calling cute?! (picks up Cloud and slams him on the ground) (goes back to being motionless)
Cloud: OW! (stands up and hides behind Vincent) What the hell was that?!
Vincent: I told you…
Cloud: Wha?
Vincent: (horrified) The plushie… it thirsts… for blood!
Cloud: …
Cloud stands up and walks to the plushie again.
Cloud: What, this harmless little cute plushie? Naw.
Plushie: FOO'! (picks up Cloud and throws him 50 feet in the air)
Cloud: AAAARRRGGGHHH!! (painfully slams into the "ground", making a ten-foot deep hole) (climbs out of the hole all hurt and bandaged) (hides behind Vincent again) What the hell was that?!
Vincent: You stupid… stay away… from it…
Cloud: Hey Vince, why don't you try talking to it? (pulls Vince up to a standing position and pushes him towards the plushie)
Vincent: NOOO!!
Plushie: Chicken leg! (bites onto Vincent's leg)
Vincent: ARGH!! GET IT OFF ME!! HELP!! (flails around trying to get the plushie off)
Cloud: Calm down, Vincent! It's only a plushie.
Vincent: (in massive pain) It's gritting its teeth! Oh, the pain! The agony! The humanity of it all!
Cloud: So you're an actor now. Nice drama! (claps)
Vincent: (in massive agony) This is for real, you moron!!
Cloud: What?
Vincent: (in massive humanity of it all) Youstupidohdamnthishurtsowowow!!
Cloud: Talk slower, I can't understand you.
Vincent: HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL!! (slams into Cloud while flailing)
Cloud goes flying out of the dream cloud. After landing he dusts himself off yet again. Then he laughs.
Cloud: That Vincent. Ha ha, always exaggerating.
He walks out of the bedroom, and looks around.
Cloud: Only one bedroom to go. Tifa's.
He makes his way to said person's bedroom. Quickly, he enters it and heads straight for said person's dream cloud. Immediately after getting in, he finds himself in a house and spots said person.
Cloud: Said person!
Tifa: Huh?
Cloud: Err, I mean, Tifa!
Tifa: Hey Cloud.
Cloud: (looking around) Where… are we?
Tifa: Nibelheim, don't you remember?
Cloud realizes he's in Tifa's house, in the kitchen. Tifa stands by the sink making some coffee.
Cloud: Oh yeah!
Tifa: Want some coffee?
Cloud sits down at the kitchen table and sees that it's filled with food.
Cloud: Wow! So in your dreams you can actually cook!
Tifa: ("aciddently" spills the boiling coffee on Cloud's lap)
Cloud: Dear God it burns!!
Tifa: Oopsie. How clumsy of me. Here, have some tea to soothe the pain. ("spills" that too)
Cloud: I can't feel my legs!!
Tifa: Aww, don't be a crybaby.
She walks over to the sink to make more coffee and tea.
Tifa: So, how goes things?
Cloud: (whisper) Painful.
Tifa: It's only a dream, it'll pass.
She walks over to the window and looks outside.
Tifa: Too bad in real life our original town was burned down. It was built again, but not it's not the same. At least here, in my dream, it's intact.
Cloud: Must… escape… from… crazy woman's… house… (limps through the kitchen, towards the door) (knocks over a lamp, which breaks and sets the floor on fire)
Cloud: FIRE!!
Tifa: Cloud, what did you do?!
The two run outside the burning building and watch in horror as the flames spread throughout the whole village. There are screams from villagers coming from everywhere as they try unsuccessfully to put out the fires.
Tifa: (stares darkly at Cloud)
Cloud: Eep.
Tifa: Nibelheim was burned down in real life, now you burn it down in my dream too?!
Cloud: I'm sorry, I was just—
Tifa: Die!! (performs several bone-breaking techniques)
Cloud: (all broken) Ouchies.
Tifa: I'm not done yet!
Cloud: (tries to crawl away(legs broken)) HELP ME SOMEBODY!!
Tifa: (picks up Cloud and throws him off Mt. Nibel)
Cloud: (flies straight towards a pointy boulder) Oh no! I'm going to be impaled! (closes eyes) If only this was just…
His eyes snap open and he sits up from his bed.
Cloud: …a dream.
He looks around. He's himself again! In his bedroom! His alarm clock reads 7:21AM.
Cloud: So it was just a dream.
Then his door opens and there stands Tifa.
Tifa: Breakfast is ready!
Cloud: AAAAAHH!! GET AWAY FROM ME!! (runs out of the house like a maniac)
Barret: (sitting on the couch watching TV) The hell was his problem?
Tifa: I don't know. He didn't even have a bite to eat.
Tifa walks to the door and watches as Cloud's form gets smaller and smaller on the horizon.
Tifa: Something I said?
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