Episode #010
Sundry Run
Red opens his eyes slowly. He feels a massive headache.
Red XIII: Whoa, major hangover. Where am I?
After a moment, he looks around. He realizes it's early morning and... he's in a small plane? He jumps so high from surprise that he would have fallen out of it if Abadenizer hadn't grabbed him.
Abadenizer: Calm down.
Cid: (sitting in the pilot's seat) What the #%^@ is going on back there?!
Red XIII: Cid? Where are we? Where are we going? What happened?
Abadenizer: (to Cid) You wanna explain?
Cid: No, you explain.
Abadenizer: Aw, go ahead and expl...
Cid: I SAID YOU #$%@&#$ EXPLAIN!
Abadenizer: Alright, alright jeez. But give me a cig first.
Cid: mumble (hands Abadenizer a cig over his shoulder)
Abadenizer: Ok, so what happened was, we were out cold on the street...
Red XIII: Yeah, that was some good ale.
Abadenizer: ...and Cid came by and picked us up and put us in this plane...
Red XIII: The Tiny Bronco?
Abadenizer: ...yes, and now we're flying to Rocket Town.
Red XIII: But... why?
Abadenizer: Cid was saying something about a new "dirty house" that opened up...
Cid: WHAT?! I said I was going to search for Shera! Where'd you get that crazy idea?!
Abadenizer: Well, I'd say it's not completely out of your league... I mean, I've heard you tried to rent porn one time, didn't you?
Cid: That was all Vincent's idea! We would have succeeded though, if it wasn't for the meddling age limit and your stupid dog.
Red XIII: A dog?
Cid: I meant... forget it.
Abadenizer: Oh right, I remember. Apparently, Shera hasn't been answering any of Cid's calls, ever since he ignored her yesterday.
After seeing Red's confused face...
Abadenizer: You do remember what day yesterday was, right?
Red XIII: Um... green.
Abadenizer: Some damn good ale.
Red XIII: No wait, violet!
Abadenizer: Anyway, it was Valentine's day.
Red XIII: But what do we have to do with any if this? Why's he bringing us along?
Abadenizer: I've tried asking him before, but all he says is...
Cid: $#@%@$% QUIET BACK THERE!!
Abadenizer: That. (sigh)
(Meanwhile, back in Costa de Sol)
Barret: (rolling about on a cardboard box, trying to cover himself with newspapers) Zzz...
Bum-Beside-Barret: Hey, man! You're hogging the newspaper!
Barret wakes up at this, and the two struggle with the newspaper until it finally rips in two. Then they each take their ripped halves and turn away from each other, trying to sleep again. Right when Barret is about to find peaceful sleep...
Tifa & Aeris: Barret?!
Barret: (jumps up from fright) What what, I didn't do it, it was him! (points to bum sleeping next to him, then notices he's talking to Tifa an Aeris) Oh, uh, hey.
Aeris: Barret, what are you doing?
Barret: Uh... sleeping!
Aeris: No, why are you out here on the streets?
Barret: Well, I was feeling adventurous yesterday so I took a night on the town and by 2:00AM I was so far away from home I decided to sleep out.
Tifa: Barret, the villa is across the street!
Barret: Oh...
Aeris: We were looking for you.
Barret: How come?
Tifa: You have a visitor.
Barret, Aeris, and Tifa walk across the street to the villa. They enter.
Barret: Say, where's Cloud?
Aeris: He's at the hospital.
Barret: What happened?
Tifa: Uh... several deep stab wounds.
Aeris: He slipped and fell in the kitchen.
Tifa: Yeah, completely by accident.
Barret: I see. So, where's my visitor?
Aeris: Hold on, we'll get him.
Aeris and Tifa disappear down the basement, and moments later they come back out with a figure that is very familiar...
Mr. T: THERE YOU IS, YOU FOO'!
Barret: The hell?!
Aeris: Barret, this is Mr. T.
Barret: I think you brought a mirror by mistake.
Tifa: No. He looks a lot like you.
Mr. T: NO NO NO and NO! He looks like me! I'm the one that came first! I was busting foo's up long before he was climbing up Shiny Golden Wires of Hope!
Barret: The what now?
Mr. T: COME HERE FOO'!
Barret: ARGH!
Barret runs out of the villa desperately, Mr. T. right behind him. Barret runs into Reeve, who was carrying several grocery bags, causing them all to fall. But Barret doesn't stop, he keeps on running.
Reeve: Hey, Barret! Watch where you're going!
He starts to collect his groceries, then sees Mr. T.
Reeve: Wow! You look a lot like Barret!
Mr. T: Grrrrr!!
Mr. T knocks out Reeve running past him.
Mr. T: I'ma get you, Barret foo'!
(back in Rocket Town...)
Cid brings the Tiny Bronco down in his fenced backyard. Abadenizer and Red jump out, still a bit dizzy, and after shutting off the plane, Cid jumps out too.
Abadenizer: My mouth is really dry. Could I get some beer?
Cid: If you're thirsty, don't you want some water?
Abadenizer: It's just as effective. Besides, if I don't drink in the morning I get all twitchy.
They enter the house, and, much to Cid's unpleasant surprise, there are several people in his kitchen, sitting around the table drinking tea, like it's their house.
Cid: What the hell is this?
Generic Man: What are you guys doing in our house?
Generic Woman: Yeah, don't you have any shame?
Generic Boy: I'm hungry.
Generic Grandpa: They're those Wutai boys! They've come to get me!
Generic Man: Calm down dad, the war is over.
Generic Grandpa: They're after me I say! (tries to run away, but only succeeds in falling off his chair, resulting in a loud crack) My spleen!
Abadenizer: Just a bit paranoid, eh...
Cid: What the hell are you all talking about?! This is my house! I live here with Shera!
Generic Man: Shera? Shera was the previous owner of this house. Now I don't know where in Surrounded By Forest Town she is...
Cid: Surrounded By Forest Town?! This is Rocket Town!!
Generic Woman: The mayor decided to change the name. After all, there's no more rocket, so she thought the name didn't fit.
Red XIII: May I suggest Forest Town? It's shorter.
The Generic Man and Woman laugh.
Generic Man: That was a good one, lad. Seriously, do you think we're all idiots or something?
Red XIII: ...yes.
Cid: I don't know what's going on here, but I sure don't like it!
(inside the Costa de Sol mall...)
Barret stands motionless beside some mannequins. Like them, he's wearing an extravagant dress, fancy high heels and a stylish hat. Mr. T stops in front of the store, looking around.
Mr. T: I lost the foo'! Damn!
He continues running. After a moment Barret takes off his disguise and breathes a sigh of relief, but too soon. Mr. T comes running back.
Mr. T: Ha! You think stupid meat is transparent?!
Barret: Ack!
Barret runs, Mr. T right behind him. Barret reaches an escalator and gets on. Mr. T reaches it a few seconds later. They stand still on it, looking at each other as it slowly takes them up to the next floor. Mr. T bangs the rail of the escalator.
Mr. T: Come on, damn it! Move faster!
Barret also urges the escalator to go forward.
Mr. T: Wait, what are we doing?
They pause, then realize the escalator's going the same speed for both of them. Barret starts to run up it, and Mr. T starts to chase him again. Barret reaches the top and immediately runs forward. After passing many stores he comes to a large, inflated children play-zone. It has tunnels, a castle, and several other little fun things for the kids. He goes to run in when an old man stops him.
Old Employee: Excuse me, son. How old are you? Only kids can enter.
Barret: Uh, I'm 12.
Old Employee: Oh, ok then. Take off your shoes and give them to me so I can store them.
Barret: Ok.
Barret quickly pulls off his shoes and throws them to the old man, who almost falls under the weight and size of them. Then Barret runs inside.
Old Employee: Ho ho! That boy will grow up to be tall, I say...
Just then Mr. T runs into him and knocks him down, then continues after Barret.
Old Employee: Hey, kid! You have to take your shoes off before going in! ...oh poops.
Mr. T: (looks around) Where is that foo'?
He then spots Barret half stuck in a small little tunnel.
Mr. T: Ah ha! (runs towards Barret)
Barret: Eek! (quickly scrambles through the small tunnel)
They crawl through the tunnels, knocking out several small children in the process.
Barret: You'll never get meeeeee!
Mr. T: We'll see!
Just as Mr. T is about to catch Barret, a little kid grabs one of his gold chains.
Mr. T: Hey! You don't touch my chains, you dumb little foo'! (smacks kid)
Kid: (knocked out)
Mr: T: Oops... We're not being filmed, are we?
Barret reaches the end of the tunnel and gladly crawls out. He crosses the "moat" and enters the castle, almost ripping it from his size. Mr. T comes out seconds later and follows him. They struggle through the intertwining tunnels of the castle to the top.
Mr. T: You've got nowhere to run! Now I've got you!
Mr. T walks forward to grab Barret, who backs up to the edge. The castle starts to tilt as both of their weights are concentrated on one side. Eventually it falls completely. There's a loud popping sound, and the entire inflatable playground starts to deflate until it's just a lump of plastic with dozens of crying little kids on it.
Mr. T & Barret: Oops.
Old Employee: (sees what happened) Oh poops.
(in the town hall of Surrounded by Forest Town...)
Cid: I wanna talk to who changed Rocket Town's name! Then I wanna talk to who built this town hall!
Town Hall Clerk: And you would be...? The mayor doesn't like anonymous visits.
Cid: I'm the Captain! Captain Cid!
Town Hall Clerk: Never heard of you.
Cid: Well, maybe you've heard of this! (punches the clerk)
Town Hall Clerk: Ow!
Cid: And what did you do with Shera? Don't tell me you've never heard of her, either!
Town Hall Clerk: Oh, Shera? Yeah, there's a new "dirty house" that opened up down the street, you can find her th—
Cid: (punches the clerk again)
Cid, Red, and Abadenizer run in the mayor's room to find a nicely decorated red carpet, an big impressive wooden desk(with a great view of the forest behind it through windows) and a tall red executive chair. The chair was turned away at this moment.
Cid: Hey you! You're the one that's been changing this town?!
Silence.
Cid: Show your face, you coward!
The chair turns around.
Cid & Red XIII: Yuffie?!
Yuffie: (caressing a cat on her lap) Yes, it's me...
(at the Costa de Sol mall)
Mr. T is still chasing Barret throughout the halls, now they have several security guards after them as well. Barret sees a "Careful: Wet Floor" sign up ahead and successfully evades the wetness itself, but trips on the sign and falls over the railing. He plunges from the third floor all the way down to the first, falling in the large fountain in the center. Mr. T jumps down after him. They struggle down there for a minute.
Barret: Ok! Ok! (huff) I give up!
Mr. T: Ha!
Barret: Alright... (huff puff) You've got me...
Mr. T: Now... (pulls back fist)
Barret: (closes eyes and embraces for the punch)
Mr. T: Sign this, please.
Barret: Huh? (opens eyes and sees Mr. T holding a paper and pen) What's this? (he takes the paper(that's miraculously dry) and reads it)
By signing this I am admitting that I am a stoopyd foo' who's always been a foo', just a foo', and nothing but a foo'. Since I'm such a foo', I'm going to write my name backwards, 'cause I'm a foo'. I'm such a foo' that I misspelled "stupid" in the first sentence. It takes a big foo' to do that.
Signed: ______________________
PS: I'm a foo'.
Mr. T: Remember to sign it backwards.
Barret: What? This is it? I thought you were gonna kill me!
Mr. T: There are things far worse than death...
Barret: Like signing this?
Mr. T: Of course.
Barret: Well, if it gets rid of you... (signs the paper... backwards)
Mr. T: (reads it and laughs) You foo'. Ha. (goes away)
Barret: Sometimes I wonder... Is the world crazy... or am I...
(back at, once again, Rocket Town)
Yuffie: Hahahahahahahahahaha!! Stop stop! Please! HAHAHA!
Cid: Are you going to tell us?
Yuffie: Yes, I will! Please, stop! HAHAHAHA!
Cid: (stops tickle torture)
Yuffie: Ok... (takes a breather) I only did this to seize control of the Materia shops and order them to give all their Materia to me.
Cid: Why do you want so much Materia, anyway?
Yuffie: When the time is right, I'll tell you...
Cid: But why did you change the town's name?
Yuffie: I felt like it.
Cid: ...
Cid: Just cause you felt like it?
Yuffie: Well... yeah. Haven't you ever done something just cause you felt like it?
Cid: ...not changing a town's name, no.
Abadenizer: Could we hurry it up with the beer? My mouth's really dry. I think there's a family of scorpions growing in there too.
Cid: Change the town's name back!
Yuffie: Fine, fine. So... I can keep the Materia?
Cid: As long as you don't try to take over the world with them, yes.
Yuffie: Yippie!
Red XIII: But why does no one here remember "Rocket Town"?
Yuffie: They do.
Cid: And your clerk didn't even know who Captain Cid is.
Yuffie: He's new.
Red XIII: But those people over at Cid's house showed no signs that they knew either of those things.
Yuffie: They're new, too. Just moved in today.
Cid: Into my house?!
Yuffie: Have you talked to Shera yet? She has a surprise for you.
Cid: Where is she?
Yuffie: You know the dirty house down the street from here? She's there.
Cid: ...
(at the "dirty house" down the street...)
Red XIII: Can it be...? Shera was so bummed out when Cid ignored her that she became a hooker? Is this her, "surprise" to him?
Cid: We'll see about that. (barges inside the "dirty house")
Abadenizer: My mouth is hotter than Corel Prison right now. Beer would be appreciated. (twitches)
To Cid's surprise, he sees a regular house with several maids sweeping and cleaning it. There is dust and grime everywhere.
Red XIII: Oh. So that's what they meant with "dirty house".
Cid: Shera?!
Shera: Oh, hey, Cid. I'm just doing a little housework...
Cid: But why? Are you a maid now?
Shera: I've been meaning to tell you. I bought this new house for us!
Cid: So those people at our other house were...?
Shera: They're new, just moved in.
Cid: Well gee, that explains a lot.
Abadenizer: Still doesn't explain why I've gotten no beer yet.
Red XIII: But Cid...I must ask... Why did you bring us along?
Cid: Well, um... actually... (leans in and whispers to Red)
Cid: I was planning to use you two as living shields in case Shera got mad at what I did yesterday and started throwing heavy pointed objects at me. Like knives.
Red XIII: ...gee, thanks, friend.
Abadenizer: (twitching violently) Beer!
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