Episode #011
The Showdown
Cloud is sleeping peacefully in the Costa de Sol villa, unaware of the impending doom creeping up on him.
Sephiroth: Ha ha! Cloud is so unaware of the impending doom that is creeping-- (trips on the leg of the living room table and falls on it, breaking through it) Ow.
Seph slowly stands up, dusting himself off and checking himself for splinters. After finding nothing, he waits silently, but hears nothing.
Sephiroth: Phew, no one woke up.
He tip-toes to Cloud's bedroom and quietly opens the door. The door opens without a creak, much to Seph's relief. Well, that is, until the last centimeter, in which the door lets out a creak as loud as the explosion of a ton of dynamite. The house shakes with the sound.
Sephiroth: Oh for the love of--!
But he looks over to the bed and sees that Cloud is still sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the impending doom that is...
Sephiroth: Ok! Ok! Let's just get on with it!
Ahem. Fine.
Sephiroth creeps up on Cloud, slowly climbing onto his bed. He stands over Cloud.
Sephiroth: And now to wake him...!
Seph grabs Cloud by the shoulders and shakes him violently. He shakes him this way and that, hitting his head on the wall behind Cloud's bed a few times. After a full ten seconds, there is Cloud, still sleeping peacefully.
Sephiroth: What the...!
Seph picks up Cloud and throws him up. Cloud's body hits the ceiling then falls back to the bed. He hits the bed, which springs him back up to hit the ceiling again(springy bed, that is). He falls back to the bed, and would have flown to the roof one more time if it had not been for Seph grabbing him and laying him back down on the bed.
Sephiroth: Now then-- huh?!
Seph's mouth drops open. Cloud is still sleeping.
Sephiroth: Jeez, this guy is one heavy sleeper.
He rushes out of the room and comes back with a bucket of cold water. He pours the water on Cloud, but he doesn't wake up.
Sephiroth: Drat!
He rushes out of the room and dumps three more buckets on Cloud's face, but to no avail.
Sephiroth: Maybe the water isn't cold enough...
Seph runs out and comes back with another bucket. He turns it upside down and out falls a huge ice cube in the form of the bucket. It slams into Cloud's face, flattening his nose slightly.
Sephiroth: Hmm... Maybe too cold.
Seph runs out of the villa and brings back several sticks of C4. He sets them up beside Cloud's head and detonates them once he's gotten far enough away. After an inspection, he sees Cloud burned to a blackened crisp, but still in peaceful slumber.
Sephrith: Grr...!!
Seph manages to get a jackhammer and starts tearing apart Cloud's bed with it, but even that racket down not wake him up.
Sephiroth: Jeez!!
He runs out and comes back with a full-scale marching band, with every type of instrument you can imagine. They parade around Cloud's destroyed bed for half an hour before Sephiroth dismisses then.
Sephiroth: After that, it is impossible that he is still sleeping!
He looks towards the bundle of wooden splinters that was Cloud's bed. There in the middle, is the still form of Cloud, the only movement the slow rise and fall of his chest.
Sephiroth: It can't be!
Enraged, Seph jumps on top of Cloud, shaking him.
Sephiroth: I throw water on you, detonate explosives, completely destroy your bed, get a frickin' BAND in your room, and you dont. Wake. UP! HOW CLOUD?!
Just then, Cloud's eyes slowly open. He yawns and rubs his face, sleepy.
Cloud: Yawn... Did I hear someone call my name?
Sephiroth: ...
Cloud: (sees Sephiroth over him) Sephiroth! What are you doing here?
He was the impending doom that was--
Sephiroth: Hey, let me explain!
Go ahead, then.
Sephiroth: I'm here for our showdown!
Cloud: Showdown?
Sephiroth: You damn right! Don't you remember? That time when you and the Turks chipped off half my house (mumble mumble, and you guys said it was only a 'piece') I warned you! The next time we'd meet there would be a SHOWDOWN! I uh, didn't manage to find my Masamune, but I don't need it for the likes of YOU!
Cloud: No, sorry, I don't seem to recall that...
Sephiroth: Regardless! I'm here, so get up, and let's do it!
Cloud: Hey, hey, I'm not doing 'it' with you!
Sephiroth: No, damn it, I mean the showdown!
Cloud: What is it, like a talent show?
Sephiroth: NO!
Cloud: I wanna sing!
Sephiroth: (slaps forehead) This is going to be tough...
Cloud: (singing) Help! You know I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody...
Half an hour later, after Seph explained what he meant by 'showdown', Cloud gave Seph back his Masamune and took his Buster sword. They walked to the front of the villa.
Sephiroth: Okay, now we need an impartial judge.
Judge: (pops out of nowhere, Medabots-style) And today's match is the ex-SOLDIER Cloud, ranked 1st in the country with 723 medals, versus the great Sephiroth, ranked 2nd with 709 medals!
Sephiroth: What medals?
Judge: I want a good, clean match, guys! Ready? Set? GO!
Sephiroth: Just... who the hell are you?
Judge: You said you needed a judge! Well, here I am!
Sephiroth: Um... sure, whatever. (turns to Cloud) Well? You ready?
Cloud: Yeah!
Seph charges at Cloud and swings his Masamune. Cloud goes to block, but his Buster sword slips out of his hands and Seph slices Cloud.
Cloud: Jeez, the sword is slippery. That oil is still there?!
Sephiroth: What the...?
Cloud: What?
Sephiroth: I got you.
Cloud: Yeah, you did. You caused some damage, I think.
Sephiroth: But... I sliced you with my sword. Your insides are supposed to be gushing out right now. What gives?
Cloud: What? Heh, it doesn't work like that, Sephy! In battles, you can only get knocked out! You can take sword slices, bullets, explosions, and be alright after a Cure or two.
Sephiroth: But... I... Masamune... killed you... insides gushing... and...
Cloud: Now, in cutscenes, that's a different story. Getting hit in cutscenes really hurts. Bullets actually kill you.
Sephiroth: (grins evilly) Oh, really...
Cloud: Yeah.
Sephiroth: Well, technically, we're in a cutscene right now, aren't we? After all, we're talking...
Cloud: ...uh-oh.
Sephiroth: DIE!
Cloud: ARGH! (runs away)
Sephiroth: (chases)
Cloud comes to a dead end at the wall of the villa nearby(he doesn't think to run to the sides...). He turns around and sees Seph approaching.
Cloud: Wait, wait! I'm unarmed! How about we settle this in a peaceful manner?
Sephiroth: Peaceful? Why?
Cloud: It's more... peaceful.
Sephiroth: Well, like what?
Cloud: A talent show!
Sephiroth: No!
Cloud: Well, what then?
Judge: I think I can be of help here! I know of several different contests widely used for settling differences! How about a drawing contest? Fishing contest? Cooking contest?
Sephiroth: Wait, a cooking contest! I likes me the sound of that!
Cloud: You? Cooking?
Sephiroth: I bet I could beat you!
Judge: Cooking contest, it is, then!
(at the Costa de Sol villa's kitchen)
Judge: Ok, now let me explain. I'll give you a dish to cook, and you'll have five minutes to whip it all up. If one can't finish in that time then he loses. If both finish in time, I'll taste the two dishes and the best tasting one wins. Got it? Good! First dish, chocobo steak! BEGIN!
Sephiroth: Where the hell are we gonna get a chocobo?
Judge: The one that has to figure it out is you!
Cloud: (zips out the door)
Sephiroth: Hey! (follows Cloud)
(at the chocobo ranch)
Cloud and Sephiroth enter and look around at the chocobos.
Choco Bill: How can I help you?
Cloud runs to the nearest chocobo and grabs it. Sephiroth sees this and grabs it, getting in a tug-of-war match with the chocobo.
Cloud: Mine!
Sephiroth: No! Mine!
Cloud: Miiiiinneeeee!!
Choco Bill: Hey, hey! Don't do that with the chocobo!
Cloud finally gives up and runs to another chocobo, grabbing. But Seph grabs it to, and they tug it back-and-forth too.
Cloud: Let go!
Sephiroth: Nevar!!
Choco Bill: Boys, boys, there's enough chocobos for the both of ya here!
Cloud & Seph: ...
Cloud and Seph each grab a chocobo and run out the door.
Choco Bill: But hey, you have to pay!
(on the way back to Costa de Sol)
Cloud: (trips Sephiroth) Ha! I'm finishing first!
Sephiroth: Not if I can help it! (somehow appears ahead of Cloud and digs a large hole, covering it with leaves)
Cloud: What th-- (falls in hole) Ow!!
Sephiroth: Take that!
(back at the Costa de Sol villa)
Judge: (looking at watch) The five minutes are almost up...
Cloud & Sephiroth: (barge through the door)
They both start throwing around ingredients and plates, turning on the stove and the microwave(don't ask). Wheat falls on the floor, milk(!) is spilled, flour is scattered everywhere. Eventually, the chaos stops and Cloud and Sephiroth are each holding the same plate, with the live (confused) chocobo on it, covered in flour, wheat, milk, and several sauces.
Judge: (sweatdrops) Umm... Let's make this a tie. Next competition!
(at the beach in Costa de Sol)
Cloud & Seph: (sitting in a boat, each holding a fishing pole)
Judge: The fishing competition! Simple, really. I'll give you two ten minutes. The one who catches the biggest fish wins. If one of you falls into the water, you'll be disqualified. (after seeing Sephiroth's evil grin...) That is, because of the fish throwing you over, pushing the other one over doesn't count.
Sephiroth: Bah.
Judge: Ready? BEGIN!
Cloud and Sephiroth cast their lines and... wait. And wait. And... wait.
Cloud: How much time has passed?
Judge: Three seconds.
Cloud: Just that?! It felt like an hour.
Sephiroth: Hey, I got one! (starts pulling hard) Urgh! Damn, this must be a huge one! (fights with the fish for over a minute) I almost got it!
Seph is finally able to pull his fish out of the water. He looks down at it. It's a three and a half inch gummy.
Cloud: (snicker)
Sephiroth: (angry) Well, for such a small fish it's frickin' strong!! (chucks fish back in the water)
Cloud: Whoa! Now I got one! It's a big one, I can feel it! (strains reeling the fish in, like Seph) Come on... come on... Just a little more... (makes one last big pull, and suddenly a huge form rises out of the water, causing waves that almost tips over the small fishing boat)
Mardan Garayan: (in a happy tone) Oh, what is this now? Someone trying to hook me?
Sephiroth: What the hell?! It's enormous!
Cloud: Hey, I caught a huge one! Does that mean I win?
Mardan Garayan: Caught me? Pshaw! Talk to the fin! (waves huge multi-colored fin in Cloud's face) You'd never catch me! Har har har!
Sephiroth: Kind of jolly, he is...
Mardan Garayan: Wait a minute... (gasp) YOU SCREWED UP MY FIN-DO!
Sephiroth: Hairdo?
Mardan Garayan: FIN-DO! Now you must die! (with a single pull, sends Cloud flying miles into the sky) Hmph. (disappears under the water again)
Cloud: (flies up and up, then comes crashing down into the water)
Judge: And the winner, Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: I won! (sees one of Cloud's arms floating near the boat) Phew, thank heaven I got the gummy and not the fashion fish.
(at the Costa de Sol villa's living room)
Judge: Alright, and now, time for the final test! Ready, Mr. Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: Yeah.
Judge: Ready, Mr. Cloud?
Cloud: Sure. (arm all stitched up)
Judge: Alrighty then. It is the drawing contest. I'll give you a blank piece of paper and a pencil each, and twenty minutes to come up with a drawing. You can cover as much or as little of the paper as you want, but at the end of twenty minutes, you must have some kind of completed drawing. The better drawing wins. Ready? (hands out papers and pencils) BEGIN!
Sephiroth: (immediately begins drawing)
Cloud: (rubs chin, trying to come up with ideas)
At the five-minute mark...
Sephiroth: (still drawing furiously)
Cloud: (still rubbing chin, trying to think of an idea)
At the ten-minute mark...
Sephiroth: (grinning as he draws)
Cloud: (eyes closed, meditating for inspiration)
At the fifteen-minute mark...
Sephiroth: (adding the finishing touches, polishing this and that, on his drawing)
Cloud: (finally lifts his pencil and positions his hand over the paper, slowly making a single five inch line down the center of the paper) (nods, satisfied with his masterpiece)
At the twenty-minute mark...
Sephiroth: (with tears in his eyes) I AM FINISHED! (holds up his finished drawing, a beautiful drawing of a chained angel with only one wing)
Cloud: (walking in, having gotten a cup of coffee after finishing his own 'drawing') Hey, Seph, let me se-- (trips, dropping the cup, spilling coffee all over Sephiroth's drawing) Oops.
Sephiroth: EEK!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU FOOL!
Judge: (walking in after having gone to the bathroom during the twenty minutes) Time's up, time's up. Now, let me see those drawings. (looks at Cloud's drawing) Hmm... very unique, very symbolic... (looks at Sephiroth's drawing) What is this?! This isn't a drawing, it's a dirty coffee filter!
Sephiroth: But he... and tripped... and spilled...!
Judge: I can't consider that. You're disqualified. Point to Cloud.
Cloud: Hurrah!
Judge: Final score, tied, 1 to 1.
Cloud: Well, Sephy, there you have it. You wanted your showdown, you got it.
Sephiroth: Well, at least I didn't lose... (grins evilly) Well, we may have tied in the official scores, but I can still win... (draws Masamune and goes to hit Cloud)
Judge: Hey! It was agreed that the contests would be peaceful! No use of swords against the other participant! As penalty, one point to Cloud.
Cloud: Yay! 2-1 me!
Sephiroth: What?! You can't do that!
Judge: Today's winner... Cloud! (a crazed generic crowd runs in from outside and hoists Cloud up on their shoulders) (several bodyguards appear from somewhere and suppress the cursing Seph)
Sephiroth: LET ME GO!
Crazed Generic Crowd: Hip hip hurray for Cloud!
Cloud: Wow, what a way to start the day!
--
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A/N: I'm thinking of looking over these episodes to read for
errors... I haven't been doing that, so they must be there. And about
this Episode... jeez, this is a record. Only three characters(Cloud,
Seph, the Judge)! And just FYI, Episode 10 was the only episode so far
that didn't feature Cloud at all.