TITLE: What Was in that Kiwi??
AUTHOR: Elle
SUMMARY: Well.it's like this - space is a strange, misguided place where any number of kooky, humorous and INSANE antics can ensue. To put it bluntly.Voyager's crew's plum gone crazy!! Yes, yes - it's all fun and.funny. But heed this warning my children - DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF THE FOLLOWING WHICH IS OUTLINED IN THIS TALE OF WOE AND CONFUSION!!! Other than that - read on!
RATING: PG13 - nothing frisky, just a little bloody strong language!
DISCLAIMER: Star Trek? Oh, yeah - it's mine. All mine!!! (sudden and urgent knocking on the door interrupts disclaimer) - oh, er, excuse me - I just ordered a pizza. (opens door) Why hello - extra cheese I trust. What? Hey - you guys don't look like pizza boys.are you here to arrest me? No? What a relief, you see I thought the real owner of Star Trek - whoever the hell that is - send you to teach me a lesson for taking credit for the show.oh, you are here to teach me a lesson for taking credit for the show.well, er, can you hang on for just a minute? Thanks, I've just got some people in here.(closes door with perplexed and mildly panicked expression before hurriedly bolting it and turning a series of locks) - well, that was unexpected.I guess that's what I get for blatantly lying.heh, heh.yes, that's right, I lied - the Star Trek universe is sadly not mine. Nope, I do NOT own Star Trek. No sir - not mine. (Raises voice and yells through door to the two menacing men still stood patiently outside holding crowbars and large knives) I repeat: I DO NOT OWN STAR TREK!!! (dusts off hands) That's the end of that.
NOTE: This story is set...well, that's really not important just now. I like to think of the story as a rather timeless piece. Okay, if it's any help, Seven of Nine comes in at some stage, so that's a rough idea of what season we're talkin.
THANKS TO: Beth, of course, for being the first to read it and appreciate it (in other words for not spitting at me and throwing things.much). Oh, and for our hours of fun reliving the vacuum scene.classic. Thanks also to Big Sis Ali for pointing out Harry's 'scolding hot'! What am I like, eh? I'd thank more people, but really there is no one. Wait-wait! Did I say Beth already?? Great, now you're throwing stuff.
ARCHIVE: Er.Beth? Help!!!
FEED BACK? Thank you.but only if it's nice.and flattering.ah hell - yes, ANYTHING!!! I'm so lonely - they've got be locked up in this cabin in Bermuda - PLEASE! DEFINE ME!!!!
PART ONE
Smoothing his uniform nervously, Commander Chakotay took several deep breaths before walking towards Holodeck One. The doors hissed dramatically open in his wake, but the Commander hesitated at the threshold, listening with growing dread as he heard what distinctly sounded like the steady rhythm of jungle drums emanating from within.
"Okay, Chakotay." The Commander muttered frantically to himself. "Just go in.just go in and look around.what's the worst that could happen? Just go in.just."
Chakotay's ramblings were interrupted by a sudden high-pitched scream from somewhere in the depths of the holodeck's bowels. The Commander blinked at the whispering shadows for a moment and then slowly began to back away.
".Just.run like hell." Chakotay whimpered. He was more than a little surprised to find that he was suddenly backing into something and spun around, already bracing himself to whip off his shoe and give whoever (or whatever) it was a sound.shoeing.
"Commander." A toneless, emotionless, colourless, human-feeling-less, and generally Vulcan voice said.
"Ah, Tuvok!" Chakotay greeted, his voice a few octaves higher than normal. The Vulcan security officer glanced Chakotay up and down briefly before his eyebrow began to inch up.
"Might I inquire as to why you have removed your shoe?" Tuvok asked. Chakotay looked sheepishly down at the item clasped in a death-grip in his right hand and hurriedly jammed it back onto his foot. (Of all the days to wear his Care Bear socks.)
"Just.ah.checking the deck's temperature. I've received several complaints from the crew that the floor was way too cold down here, so I figured I'd check it out. With my foot." Chakotay's eyes swivelled from side to side under the Vulcan's piercing scrutiny. Abruptly Tuvok reached into some hidden pocket of his uniform and extracted what appeared to be a pair of bright pink, woolly mittens.
"I too have suffered the effects of this deck's temperature levels, Commander." Tuvok confided, leaning forward a little. Chakotay looked from the mittens to his Chief of Security and smiled nervously.
"Ah, mittens, yes. Good thinking, Tuvok."
"It was the most logical course of action."
"I see."
"I would not be carrying mittens under any other circumstances of course."
"Of course."
"And I have been lead to believe that pink is.'in' this summer."
"Uh-huh.well, look Tuvok, it was really.interesting talking with you, but I've got to.er." Chakotay searched his mind frantically for some excuse.
"You need to visit the Captain." Tuvok supplied.
"Yes - yes, that is exactly what I was about to say." Chakotay beamed, silently cursing the Vulcan. "Where did you hear about that?"
"My intelligence and ability to gain effortless insight into even the most unusual scenarios lead me to that conclusion." Tuvok said steadily. Chakotay said nothing, waiting.
"Very well." Tuvok yielded at last, doing the Vulcan equivalent of a defeated sigh. "I overhead Lieutenant Paris and Ensign Kim.conversing after you left the bridge."
"Conversing? You mean they were gloating because I'm the one who got dumped with talking to the Captain." Chakotay snorted.
"That is correct." Tuvok replied bluntly. "If you will excuse me, Commander, I have.pressing matters to attend to." The Vulcan made to turn away, and then hesitated before pressing the mittens into Chakotay's hand. With a brief but rather intense nod, Tuvok disappeared down the corridor.
"That was odd." Chakotay muttered, staring down at the mittens in bemusement. A sound like a hyena cackling caused the Commander to spin around, only to be met by the gaping, black mouth of Holodeck One. Chakotay straightened up (returned his shoe once again to his foot) and walked determinedly into the shadows.
"C-Captain?" Chakotay called uneasily, his determined walk turning into more of a cowering scuttle as the holodeck's doors closed behind him with a resounding hiss. Or as resoundingly as a hiss can.
"Hel-o-ho!!?" The Commander hollered, and then walked into what felt like a tree but turned out to be a rather large native dressed in a grass skirt and little else.
"Who dares trespass on this holy ground?" The native demanded in booming tones.
"Erm.Commander Chakotay?" The Commander decided that honesty was the best approach here. His ass was still smarting from the spanking he'd received for posing as little Naomi Wildman for the day. What had he been thinking?
"He is an attacker!" Another native had appeared from the darkness brandishing a large metal spanner. Chakotay blinked at the weapon curiously, his know-it-all anthropological side momentarily overcoming his oh-my-god-I'm-gonna-die-any-second-now fearful side.
"Excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be a native? Why are you .ahem.carrying a spanner?"
"Don't ask questions!" The native snapped, waving the implement menacingly at the Commander.
"Okay, okay." Chakotay muttered, mildly ruffled.
"Now then," The first native boomed loudly. "I think we should kill him."
"K-Kill me?" Chakotay choked.
"Or cook him." The second native mused.
"C-Cook." The Commander paled.
"Or we could pee on him."
"Now just a minute!" Chakotay protested passionately. The two natives stared at him curiously.
"Ahem.look, before you arrange to do something you will almost certainly regret to me, I think you should know that I'm here to see my Captain, not.er.trespass on holy ground or whatever." Chakotay explained jerkily, put off by the native's staring eyes, sharp teeth, knives and forks and bottles of water which could prompt them to commit any number of frightful evils!
"Captain?" The spanner-native repeated blankly.
"Yes. Captain Janeway - I'm here to talk to her, you see, and -"
"He wants to see Queen Janey?"
"Perhaps he is the One!"
"The One - yes, yes! This is excellent!"
"You come to wed Queen Janey?" The booming native.er.boomed.
"Wha'!?" Chakotay said. Then: "Huh? Marry Queen - no - I - you've got the wrong end of the - aargh!! Hey - put me down!"
Before anything more could be said on the topic, Commander Chakotay found himself being lifted bodily and in another moment he was flying through a jungle: vines, leaves and small monkeys hitting his face violently as the undergrowth blurred past. Then, just as randomly as the nightmare had begun, Chakotay found himself back to his correct and upright position and standing before a large blazing campfire.
The natives were nowhere to be seen (although Chakotay was certain he heard a retreating voice bitterly mutter something about 'wouldn't kill you to loose a few pounds!') and the Commander was alone. An eerie rhythm of sounds suddenly filled the night air - like music, except eerie.
"Uh-huh." Chakotay muttered, thoroughly spooked and just a little irritated because someone was poking him in the back.wait a minute - poking him in the back?! The Commander swung around and punched his antagonist squarely in the nose.
"Yeeooow!" Kathryn Janeway yelped, falling over backwards and gripping her bleeding nose.
"Kathryn?!!" Chakotay cried in dismay, glancing around frantically for any possible escape route before his Captain's inevitable wrath descended upon him.
"Chakoday!" Janeway greeted brightly (if a little sniffily) as she hauled herself to her feet. With blood still streaming down her face, her welcoming smile appeared more than a little manic.
"Oh! Spirits above - I'm so sorry Captain!" Chakotay said desperately, searching his pockets for a hanky, yet finding only.
"Why, Commander - pink fluffy mittens? I had no idea you were that kind of man!" Janeway chortled with a sly wink.
"What? No! These - these are Tuvok's!" Chakotay spluttered, ramming the offending articles savagely back into his trouser pocket.
"Captain.are you alright? It really was an accident."
"No harm done!" Janeway said dismissively, still grinning in rather disconcerting manner. "At least you didn't try to hit me with your shoe like usual."
"Ah, yes.well." The Commander muttered, reddening further. This encounter with the Captain was not going anything like he'd envisioned it on his was down in the turbolift.
"Now Captain, I don't mean to pry, but I thought you told me you were going to be spending your vacation time in a.ahem.pottery class." Chakotay said, glancing pointedly at Janeway's jungle attire which consisted of grass, coconuts, paint and little else.
"Yes, well, I go bored, okay? There's only so many times I can smash up pottery before I get bored - and will you please stop calling me 'Captain'? It's Queen Janey round here." Kathryn said primly, beginning to shuffle around the campfire in imitation of a tribal dance.
"Okaaaaay." Chakotay straightened his uniform uneasily. "So.Queen Janey, has the Doctor by any chance increased your morphine dosage?"
"Hm? Oh yes, that. Well, I got a little annoyed at having to wait on his daily checkups, so I kind of programmed the replicator to put my medication into everything I order.food, drink, books, pet goats."
"Uh-huh." Chakotay repeated, seriously beginning to consider climbing the nearest tree as a plausible escape option...
"So tell me now - what are you doing here? Didn't those guys tell you about the whole 'holy ground' thing I've got going on?" Kathryn jabbered.
"Trust me, Cap-er.Queen Janey, I would not be here right now if I hadn't drawn the shortest straw with the rest of the bridge crew." Chakotay said bitterly. "And I still say I was set up."
"Right, right." Janeway agreed distractedly as she began ferreting through a pile of fruit on the ground. "Here, Chakotay - have a kiwi!"
"Well, okay - hey, wait a minute, did you replicate this?"
"Nope, it was here when I arrived." Janeway said innocently.
"Alright." Chakotay sighed, wearily accepting the fruit. "Anyway, the reason I came here is that.well.you see.Captain - I mean, Queen Janey.while we all fully support your dire need of a vacation.your chosen replacement isn't exactly fulfilling its duties for the rest of the ship." Chakotay explained diplomatically...or at least he hoped it was diplomatically.
"What? Moogoo isn't a good enough Captain for you?!" Janeway yelled, scandalised.
"Ah, Moogoo.is a good Captain.but.to put it frankly.she's a hamster for Spirit's sakes!!!" Chakotay snapped. Janeway's face dropped.
"I see. I had no idea my First Officer was so narrow-minded."
"What? No, I'm not.Captain Moogoo is very good at.being a hamster, but she just doesn't possess the necessary skills required of a Starfleet Captain." Chakotay explained desperately whilst chewing on his kiwi for comfort. Janeway frowned at him disapprovingly, and then sighed heavily.
"I see what's really going on here." She murmured. Chakotay swallowed his mouthful and forced himself to ask:
"What?"
"You're obviously jealous of the power I've given Moogoo. You're only complaining because you want her job."
"Acc-rjj!!!" Chakotay choked on the bite he had unwisely taken and had to pause for a moment to collect himself enough to spit it out.
"Jealous?? I - you - Moo -" Chakotay had to stop himself again and take several deep breaths.
"Queen Janey, I am not jealous of Moogoo. I just want what's best for the ship-"
"Do you? I don't think so. Moogoo is the best damned officers we've got -"
"For Spirit's sake, Kathryn - she peed in your coffee cup this morning, she bit Ensign Kim on the nose and refused to let go for a whole shift, she threatened to have Tom Paris beheaded for accidentally falling over her roll-ball on the bridge, and she's already tried to nest in Tuvok's ears - four times!!!" Chakotay screamed, the pent up frustration of a whole week under the command of a rodent finally bursting free.
"Yeah. You're jealous."
"AARGH!" Chakotay snarled.
"You're really letting this get to you, aren't you Chakotay?" Janeway observed mildly, watching as her normally calm and stoic First Officer tore out clumps of his own hair.
"Fine!" Chakotay panted. "Fine. I accept you.want Moogoo to remain as Captain, but can we at least deactivate her voice-machine?!"
"Certainly not! How will she give her commands?" Janeway demanded.
"Commands?!" Chakotay's voice came out strangled. This was almost enough to push him over the edge again.
"Commands?! All she's said over the past week has been - 'Die Chakotay, die', 'off with his head', and 'Squeak, squeak.'!"
"So the Computer's having trouble interpreting her requests - we have to make allowances, Chakotay." Janeway said patently. She sighed and added soothingly:
"I think you just need more time to adjust to Moogoo. I'll be back on duty soon, but until then you just need to learn to appreciate her commanding qualities and before you know it you'll love her as dearly as I do." A glazed look came over Janeway and she clasped her hands to her chest, sighing wistfully as she thought of that cutie little button-nosed, squinty- eyed rodent she'd grown to adore. Swiftly recognising the look and resisting the urge to wretch, Chakotay turned away with a defeated slump of his shoulders. He'd let himself out of the holodeck.
* * * * * *
"Er.Tom, why are you vacuuming on the bridge?" Harry Kim shifted nervously at the Opps station as he watched his best friend scrub the head of the primitive contraption forwards and backwards across a particularly stubborn stain.
"Gonna have to speak up, buddy - I'm vacuuming!" Tom Paris yelled cheerily, redoubling his efforts with a slight frown of concentration.
"I noticed!" Harry shouted back, exasperated. "Look, maybe you should stop before someone sees! I mean, how long do Vulcan toilet breaks last anyway? What if Tuvok comes back and finds out you weren't at the helm?"
"Of course you don't look frumpy in your uniform, Har! I actually think you look very attractive!!" Paris bellowed across the bridge. "Jeez - I'm starting to think the 'Captain' had another 'accident' on the rug over here. Damn these Starfleet-issue-super-absorbent-starship-carpets!"
"But Tom - why are you vacuuming?!" Kim shrieked. He wasn't really all that concerned that Paris would get caught. His game of Tetras on the Opps console had lost whatever attraction it had first held, oh, say - two years previously, and watching Paris being hauled off to the brig for excessive vacuuming whilst on duty would be as welcome a distraction as any.
"How the hell should I know where you keep your Tuesday Pants?!" Tom snorted, giving up on the stain and wondering over to those darker corners of the bridge where members of the beta shift had been rumoured to have disappeared mysteriously.
Kim meanwhile was searching for something to hurl at his friend, when the doors of the Captain's Ready Room slid open. In another instant a small, rather round hamster trotted into view, its tuffty golden fur spiking up through the constraints of its tiny Starfleet Command uniform, complete with iddy-biddy Captain's pips.
"Argh!" Kim yelped as he noticed the rodent over the top of his station.
"Erg - Hamster - no, I mean - Captain - er - rodent - no - that is to say, you are, but - I - errr - Oh! Something.on the bridge.? Oh, just forget it!" Harry howled, extremely flustered and unable to sound entirely professional whilst the whooooooom of the vacuum continued to drown him out. The hamster eyed the Ensign with malice (or as much malice as those sweetie-pie button-eyes could muster) and then it too seemed to notice the unorthodox activities of its Chief Helmsman.
"PAAA-RIS!!" The voice that boomed from the.Captain.was not natural for a hamster. In fact, about the only person it was natural for was Barry White. Yet despite the deafening resonance of the voice, Tom remained miraculously oblivious, indeed, so consumed was he with his task of vacuuming (whilst giving a lusty rendition of 'How Much is That Doggie in the Window?' - an old Earth favourite of his) that he failed to notice the presence of his new Captain all together.
"TOM! SWITCH OFF THE VACUUM!!" Harry bellowed helplessly from Opps. Suddenly he remembered something from a survival training course he'd done with Commander Chakotay and bent over to tug off his shoe.
"- the one with the waggily tail!!"
"PAAAAAAAA-RIS!!!"
"TOM!" Kim shrieked desperately as he fumbled with his laces. Moogoo looked on the verge of ruining all over the bridge's newly-vacuumed carpet.
"LIEUTENANT!!!" Barry White boomed.
"-I do hope that doggie's for sale - aargh! Ouch!! Jesus, Harry!" Paris squealed as his best friend's trusty size nine connected with the back of his skull.
"What the hell do you think you're -" Paris swung around, the nozzle of the vacuum sweeping devastatingly too low, the engulfing mouth tilting too close -
"Lieutenant!" Moogoo howled in horror just before -
Whooooooooooooooooooooo- shnkt -ooooooooooooooooooooooom
Paris stared down at the bulge shooting along the neck of the vacuum, then slowly up at a mortified Harry Kim, then back down at the vacuum.
"Holy shit!!"
"Turn it off, turn it off!" Harry shrieked hoarsely. Tom kicked the switch and in the deafening silence that followed, he and Harry stared transfixed at the mute vacuum pack as if expecting it to burst into flames.
"W-what have you done, Tom?" Harry was the first one to speak.
"Wow, wow, wow - what have I done? Nu-uh, no way - you threw the shoe!" Paris protested, his need to dump the blame on someone else kicking in like a survival instinct.which, it was.
"What? Tom - you just vacuumed the Captain!!"
"Moogoo is not the Captain, dammit!"
"Oh god - Janeway's gonna kill you!" Harry ran out from behind Opps, hobbling over to his discarded shoe, and returning it hastily to his foot just in case the pilot's earlier threats held any merit.
"Oh crap, oh crap!" Tom was pacing frantically up and down in front of the helm, the vacuum head still clasped tightly in his hand. He kept throwing horrified looks in its direction as though he was holding a bloodied knife.
"Why were you vacuuming on the bridge anyway?" Harry whimpered.
"How the hell should I know why I do stuff?" Paris snapped. Abruptly he ceased his pacing and stared at Kim with a dangerous light in his eyes.
"I've got it!"
"Tom."
"No, no - it's perfect! We-we'll space her!"
"Tom!" Kim looked like he'd just been asked to fill the Captain's quarters with horse manure. "You're crazy!"
"It's brilliant! We can do it - b-before anyone sees!!" Paris sounded more than a little hysterical, but Harry wasn't about to argue whilst a vacuum head was being brandished at him in such a resolved fashion.
"Let's see.space shoot, space shoot." Tom was hunting around under the helm console without much luck. Shaking his head and muttering, the pilot crawled across the floor of the bridge to the Captain's chair, the vacuum still trailing along behind him.
"Ah-ha!" Tom crowed in delight as he located a space shoot beneath Commander Chakotay's chair.
"That's a little weird.why would Chakotay have a space shoot hooked up directly beneath his chair?" Paris mused. "Must be for all those long shifts, eh, Harry, eh?" Tom winked jauntily at his friend who just looked disgusted, thoughts of manure still too fresh in the Ensign's mind.
"Will you please hurry up?" Harry wined fearfully. "Computer, locate Tuvok."
"Lieutenant Commander Tuvok is.performing an Irish jig in the Mess Hall." The Computer responded pleasantly.
"WHA'??" Kim choked.
"Forget it, Har. As long as he's not coming to the bridge yet, we'll be fine." Tom informed his friend distractedly, scrunching up his eyes tightly as he emptied the contents of the vacuum into the space disposal shoot.
"And eject!" Paris said, stabbing the necessary button and listening with horrified fascination to the suction sound as the business was taken care of - and not a moment too soon, for just then, the turbolift doors slid open to emit an exhausted-looking Commander Chakotay.
"Commander!!" Harry must have made some vague effort to sound cheerful, but instead the forced perkiness along with the recently torn vocal cords seemed merely to combine and give Chakotay the impression that the Ensign had finally become as mentally unhinged as the rest of the crew.
"What a morning!" Chakotay sighed wearily, staggering down the steps of the bridge to his chair, and, after stumbling awkwardly over his Chief Helmsman, Chakotay took his seat.
"Mr. Paris.why is there a vacuum by my chair?" Chakotay asked, deciding that whatever answer he'd receive to the more obvious question of: 'why are you crawling around on the floor?' would only succeed in unbalancing him further than he already was.
"Hey - are you two trying to dump me with bridge cleaning duty - because if you are -"
"Oh, no, no - of course not, Commander." Tom stammered. Chakotay frowned, only now just noticing that Harry Kim looked on the verge of a nervous breakdown, whilst Paris appeared to have started randomly humming "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" - as sure a sign as any that he was under a great deal of strain.or was that the "Teddy Bear's Picnic" song? Damn, Chakotay knew he shouldn't have turned down that 'get to know your fellow crewmen' brochure Janeway had tried to give him when he'd first boarded Voyager. Paris' chapter had been titled something like: "Tom Paris: the God-awful Pilot behind the God-awful Music".or at least that's what Chakotay would have titled it if he'd written the brochure.maybe he'd give it a try. It would sure give him a chance to pursue that childhood dream of his of becoming a writer -
"Hey, wait a minute - I thought your childhood dream was to become an anthropologist!" Tom interrupted. Chakotay scowled at the pilot.
"Just keep your nose out of my musings, will yah?! Jeez, it's like living with a bunch of freakin' telepaths."
"Look buddy, your thoughts are open to anyone who can read!" Tom retorted huffily. Harry nudged his friend sharply in the ribs.
"Can it, Tom. We're not supposed to be aware of the narrative." The Ensign muttered out of the corner of his mouth, and then fixed a strained smile on his face whilst glancing around nervously to see if the narrator had heard. (which I had. Dumb asses.)
"Now that's just rude." Harry sniffed.
"I think we're straying from the point a little here." Chakotay wisely interrupted. "Now will you two just tell me what's going on?" As the Commander rose from his chair in a menacing fashion, Paris and Kim stiffened and looked at one another in terror.
"I should - make coffee!" Harry screamed, darting away to the nearest replicator. When Chakotay looked back at Paris, the pilot was deeply engrossed in a console at the helm.
"Tom, why are you and Harry acting like a pair of.of."
"Murderers?? Go ahead, say it Chakotay!!" Tom yelled, swinging away from his console to glare accusingly at the Commander.
"You can't prove a thing! Now stop trying to get me to crack - some of us have work to do 'round here you know!" Paris snapped riotously before jerking back to the screen.
"Er, Tom." Chakotay said tentatively. "You haven't switched the console on yet-"
"Don't tell me how to fly the ship, and I won't tell you how to.er.do whatever the hell it is you do 'round here!" Tom muttered rapidly, hitting random buttons on the helm in an effort to look busy.
"One lump or two?!" Harry shrieked from the back of the bridge, his hands trembling so violently that he'd had to re-order the coffee six times so far.
"Harry, what are you doing?" Chakotay demanded, frustrated beyond belief as he turned to address the skittish Ensign. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you two were.guilty about something."
Harry raised his head to look guiltily at his superior, whipping his sweaty palms guiltily down his shirt before readjusting the 'I am very guilty at this moment' sign which had somehow become attached around his neck.
"W-w-whatever gave you that idea, Sir?" Harry stammered, but suddenly froze as he caught sight of something over the Commander's shoulder which would feature in most of his nightmares for the next twelve years.or there abouts.basically until it is replaced by his usual nightmares of plummeting helplessly into an endless abyss of death with Tom's voice all around him singing the theme tune from 'Happy Days'.
"Good sweet guacamole!!" Harry paled as he stared in horror at Voyager's viewscreen.
"Ensign - what is it?" Chakotay asked, alarmed - having actually read Harry's surprisingly colourful chapter of the brochure and knowing full well that the Ensign was only prone to using the word 'guacamole' under the most dire of circumstances.
"N-nothing! Just thought I saw some MOOOvement out there!" Kim said, gulping down a mugful of scolding hot coffee before turning back to the replicator for more.
"Harry?" Even Tom was perplexed - surely the brutal killing of their Captain hadn't been enough to push the Ensign this far over the edge.
"I'm fine.just this coffee.it's kinda GOOOOOi." Kim tilted his head suggestively at the viewscreen as he locked eyes with Tom, then seeing the pilot turn slowly in that direction, leapt over the bridge railing and grabbed Chakotay's arm before he could follow suit.
"So Commander - tell me how your meeting with the Captain went - Captain Janeway that is.the only real Captain we'll ever have. Yessir, we all just love that woman, eh Tom?" Harry jabbered, keeping tight hold of the Commander so his back remained to the viewscreen.
Tom meanwhile was squinting intently out into the starry depths of whatever galaxy they were currently cruising through; trying to catch a glimpse of whatever it was that had so spooked Harry. I mean, what could possibly cause the Ensign such distress? Paris wondered absently. Asides from gooi coffee that is.wait just a minute - gooi? Goo? As in.MOOGOO? Good sweet guacamole indeed.
"Holy - Moly!" Tom choked as he finally saw something tiny and gold wearing a Starfleet uniform rotating slowly as it made a steady, drifting progression towards the viewscreen.
"Tom?" Chakotay tried to turn around and see what had now caused his pilot alarm, but Harry Kim was still holding on gamely.
"N-nothing to worry about, Commander," Tom said weakly , watching in helpless dismay as recently spaced Captain Moogoo floated ever nearer, tiny paws working furiously in the zero-gravity.
"I was just surprised to.er.see all those.er.stars! Yeah, stars. Incredible."
"Do you need to go to Sickbay, Tom?" Chakotay asked gently. It appeared that Voyager's pilot was only just noticing the stars passing by the window.
"No, no, not me!" Tom laughed a little unsteadily, fiddling with the helm controls as he tried to locate the viewscreen 'off' button. Chakotay shook his head and decided he was having one seriously weird-assed morning.
Suddenly there was a dull 'thunk' on the outside of the viewscreen, then a piercing, drawn out 'shrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!' which sounded like.well, just like hamster nails scraping across a windshield about the size of a starship viewscreen.
"What the hell was that?" Chakotay managed to pull free of Kim, but spinning around he saw only Paris draped in front of a large portion of the viewscreen in what looked like a rather unnatural pose.
"Are you sure you're all right, Lieutenant?" Chakotay asked slowly, noticing the way that the skin under the pilot's eye twitched involuntarily every so often as he struggled to maintain a cheerful, carefree smile.
"Oh, yeah - never felt more alive, Commander! Yep, just thought I'd see how the bridge looks from this angle." Tom responded, still leering painfully.
"But what's that noise?" Chakotay asked.
"Noise, Sir?" Harry repeated innocently. Moogoo meanwhile was sliding inch by painstaking inch across the glass outside, tiny hamster nails clinging on for all they were worth - which, on the remote planet of Zimi, was a great deal, particularly as hamster-nail soup is considered a rare delicacy. (This piece of useless knowledge was brought to you by *PoopTalk*, authors of the universally worst-selling book: '12,000 Things you didn't know about the Delta Quadrant and Probably Have No Business Knowing')
"What has any of this got to do with that goddam annoying sound I can hear?" Chakotay bellowed.
"I don't hear anything, do you Tom?" Harry said.
"Nope, nada, not a thing, absolutely nothing suspicious or illegal is going on. At all." Paris agreed.
"Okay, you two are seriously starting to creep me out now."
"Creep you out, Sir?" Kim repeated in what he hoped was his award-winning- greener-than-green-fresh-out-of-Starfleet-don't-know-where-the-bathroom-is- Ensign-voice.
Tom meanwhile, had suddenly froze mid-way across the viewscreen, one arm wrapped around the back of his head, the other flung out in a position that was likely to dislocate something important, but assured to hide any stray pieces of hamster anatomy which may have been on display.
The screech of claws on glass had abruptly ceased. Harry shot Tom an uncertain glance and the pilot chanced a furtive look behind him to check what was going on outside.
"Little bastard!"
"Lieutenant!?" Chakotay choked.
"Er.sorry, Sir.it's just that.er.I just realised.that.er.Harry's been cheating on me with B'Elanna! Wait - switch that 'round." Tom corrected hurriedly. At Kim's astonished and then murderous expression, the pilot simply shrugged apologetically.
"Is this true, Harry?" Chakotay cried in disbelief. The Ensign stared at his Commanding Officer and then at Tom. Neither offered much support or direction. Desperately, Harry cast his mind back to all those years ago when he'd taken that course on dramatic improvisation at the academy.
"Well.sure, yeah - B'Elanna and I have been seeing each other in secret for years! Frankly I'm amazed no one's noticed until now." Harry practically yelled. Chakotay blinked at the younger man, completely flummoxed. What the hell had been in that damned kiwi?!
"But Harry - when? How?" The Commander stammered.
"Er."
Whilst Harry battled to weave some elaborate series of deceitful events to captivate Chakotay, Paris was back at the helm, his concentration torn between flipping frantically through his 'Starship Piloting for Dummies' manual, and throwing hateful glares in the direction of his former Captain Moogoo who appeared to have somehow fashioned a make-shift lasso from a combination of shredded uniform and woven fur balls (was there any survival training course that Starfleet Academy didn't provide?).
Here it was: survival at its finest - one man who couldn't kill a hamster, one hamster who couldn't be killed.
"Until now!" Paris muttered gleefully, tossing aside the manual, having found what he was looking for. He leant forward in his chair and pressed the button that would decide the fate of them all: The windshield wipers!!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Moogoo's muffled shriek of torment was drowned out by the super-pressure jets either side of the viewscreen powering up and then blasting the glass with a ridiculous amount of soap liquid before the mighty pair of wipers swept masterfully across the screen to finish the job.
"Yes!! Die, die - mwhahahaha!!" Tom cackled, rocking backwards and forwards.
"Harry - how could you?? In the hammock Tom bought B'Elanna for their anniversary gift!" Chakotay was crying out in outraged horror.
"Well, that was before we discovered that B'Elanna's postman's son was having a secret affair with the illegitimate daughter of Tom's cousin's mother's therapist who was really the king of a minor planetary system called Aragzonia in the far off reaches of the Algra Quadrant - but the government aren't gonna let us know about that one for another century or so."
"But did B'Elanna keep the baby? And what about Tom's shameless liaisons with her evil twin, M'Elanna??" The Commander asked breathlessly, ever the sap for a good soap opera.
"What a crock of Pluto slush!" Tom snorted from the helm. Harry and Chakotay started and turned to stare at the pilot like he was a misplaced fusion coil. Paris frowned at the simile and silently cursed the number of times he'd allowed B'Elanna to talk engines with him.
"Crock of Pluto slush?!" Harry repeated, hurt. "At least my story makes sense! You're the one washing the viewscreen of a Starship in the middle of deep space!! And another thing, shouldn't Moogoo have, you know, exploded from the pressure out there??"
Silence descended over the bridge for a brief instant before Tom nervously cleared his throat and jumped up from the helm.
"Well, anyway, danger averted, Harry - I'm off for a beer!"
"We'll join you!" Chakotay yelled cheerfully.
"Hey, guys - aren't we all, er.you know, supposed to be on duty?" Harry said hesitantly as he followed the two men into the 'lift. As the doors hissed shut, they all paused and stared at one another before Tom clipped his best friend on the back of the head.
"I'm getting real tired of that logical attitude of yours, mister!"
Chakotay suddenly frowned and looked about as if searching for something in the confines of the turbolift (you can't fault the guy's optimism).
"Hey, speaking of logic.where is Tuvok??"
* * * * * *
To be continued kiddies! But, er, before I go writing a novel or anything, what did you think? Loved it? Want to name your children after me? Want to throw an elaborate parade for me.and we're back to throwing stuff I see.
AUTHOR: Elle
SUMMARY: Well.it's like this - space is a strange, misguided place where any number of kooky, humorous and INSANE antics can ensue. To put it bluntly.Voyager's crew's plum gone crazy!! Yes, yes - it's all fun and.funny. But heed this warning my children - DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF THE FOLLOWING WHICH IS OUTLINED IN THIS TALE OF WOE AND CONFUSION!!! Other than that - read on!
RATING: PG13 - nothing frisky, just a little bloody strong language!
DISCLAIMER: Star Trek? Oh, yeah - it's mine. All mine!!! (sudden and urgent knocking on the door interrupts disclaimer) - oh, er, excuse me - I just ordered a pizza. (opens door) Why hello - extra cheese I trust. What? Hey - you guys don't look like pizza boys.are you here to arrest me? No? What a relief, you see I thought the real owner of Star Trek - whoever the hell that is - send you to teach me a lesson for taking credit for the show.oh, you are here to teach me a lesson for taking credit for the show.well, er, can you hang on for just a minute? Thanks, I've just got some people in here.(closes door with perplexed and mildly panicked expression before hurriedly bolting it and turning a series of locks) - well, that was unexpected.I guess that's what I get for blatantly lying.heh, heh.yes, that's right, I lied - the Star Trek universe is sadly not mine. Nope, I do NOT own Star Trek. No sir - not mine. (Raises voice and yells through door to the two menacing men still stood patiently outside holding crowbars and large knives) I repeat: I DO NOT OWN STAR TREK!!! (dusts off hands) That's the end of that.
NOTE: This story is set...well, that's really not important just now. I like to think of the story as a rather timeless piece. Okay, if it's any help, Seven of Nine comes in at some stage, so that's a rough idea of what season we're talkin.
THANKS TO: Beth, of course, for being the first to read it and appreciate it (in other words for not spitting at me and throwing things.much). Oh, and for our hours of fun reliving the vacuum scene.classic. Thanks also to Big Sis Ali for pointing out Harry's 'scolding hot'! What am I like, eh? I'd thank more people, but really there is no one. Wait-wait! Did I say Beth already?? Great, now you're throwing stuff.
ARCHIVE: Er.Beth? Help!!!
FEED BACK? Thank you.but only if it's nice.and flattering.ah hell - yes, ANYTHING!!! I'm so lonely - they've got be locked up in this cabin in Bermuda - PLEASE! DEFINE ME!!!!
PART ONE
Smoothing his uniform nervously, Commander Chakotay took several deep breaths before walking towards Holodeck One. The doors hissed dramatically open in his wake, but the Commander hesitated at the threshold, listening with growing dread as he heard what distinctly sounded like the steady rhythm of jungle drums emanating from within.
"Okay, Chakotay." The Commander muttered frantically to himself. "Just go in.just go in and look around.what's the worst that could happen? Just go in.just."
Chakotay's ramblings were interrupted by a sudden high-pitched scream from somewhere in the depths of the holodeck's bowels. The Commander blinked at the whispering shadows for a moment and then slowly began to back away.
".Just.run like hell." Chakotay whimpered. He was more than a little surprised to find that he was suddenly backing into something and spun around, already bracing himself to whip off his shoe and give whoever (or whatever) it was a sound.shoeing.
"Commander." A toneless, emotionless, colourless, human-feeling-less, and generally Vulcan voice said.
"Ah, Tuvok!" Chakotay greeted, his voice a few octaves higher than normal. The Vulcan security officer glanced Chakotay up and down briefly before his eyebrow began to inch up.
"Might I inquire as to why you have removed your shoe?" Tuvok asked. Chakotay looked sheepishly down at the item clasped in a death-grip in his right hand and hurriedly jammed it back onto his foot. (Of all the days to wear his Care Bear socks.)
"Just.ah.checking the deck's temperature. I've received several complaints from the crew that the floor was way too cold down here, so I figured I'd check it out. With my foot." Chakotay's eyes swivelled from side to side under the Vulcan's piercing scrutiny. Abruptly Tuvok reached into some hidden pocket of his uniform and extracted what appeared to be a pair of bright pink, woolly mittens.
"I too have suffered the effects of this deck's temperature levels, Commander." Tuvok confided, leaning forward a little. Chakotay looked from the mittens to his Chief of Security and smiled nervously.
"Ah, mittens, yes. Good thinking, Tuvok."
"It was the most logical course of action."
"I see."
"I would not be carrying mittens under any other circumstances of course."
"Of course."
"And I have been lead to believe that pink is.'in' this summer."
"Uh-huh.well, look Tuvok, it was really.interesting talking with you, but I've got to.er." Chakotay searched his mind frantically for some excuse.
"You need to visit the Captain." Tuvok supplied.
"Yes - yes, that is exactly what I was about to say." Chakotay beamed, silently cursing the Vulcan. "Where did you hear about that?"
"My intelligence and ability to gain effortless insight into even the most unusual scenarios lead me to that conclusion." Tuvok said steadily. Chakotay said nothing, waiting.
"Very well." Tuvok yielded at last, doing the Vulcan equivalent of a defeated sigh. "I overhead Lieutenant Paris and Ensign Kim.conversing after you left the bridge."
"Conversing? You mean they were gloating because I'm the one who got dumped with talking to the Captain." Chakotay snorted.
"That is correct." Tuvok replied bluntly. "If you will excuse me, Commander, I have.pressing matters to attend to." The Vulcan made to turn away, and then hesitated before pressing the mittens into Chakotay's hand. With a brief but rather intense nod, Tuvok disappeared down the corridor.
"That was odd." Chakotay muttered, staring down at the mittens in bemusement. A sound like a hyena cackling caused the Commander to spin around, only to be met by the gaping, black mouth of Holodeck One. Chakotay straightened up (returned his shoe once again to his foot) and walked determinedly into the shadows.
"C-Captain?" Chakotay called uneasily, his determined walk turning into more of a cowering scuttle as the holodeck's doors closed behind him with a resounding hiss. Or as resoundingly as a hiss can.
"Hel-o-ho!!?" The Commander hollered, and then walked into what felt like a tree but turned out to be a rather large native dressed in a grass skirt and little else.
"Who dares trespass on this holy ground?" The native demanded in booming tones.
"Erm.Commander Chakotay?" The Commander decided that honesty was the best approach here. His ass was still smarting from the spanking he'd received for posing as little Naomi Wildman for the day. What had he been thinking?
"He is an attacker!" Another native had appeared from the darkness brandishing a large metal spanner. Chakotay blinked at the weapon curiously, his know-it-all anthropological side momentarily overcoming his oh-my-god-I'm-gonna-die-any-second-now fearful side.
"Excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be a native? Why are you .ahem.carrying a spanner?"
"Don't ask questions!" The native snapped, waving the implement menacingly at the Commander.
"Okay, okay." Chakotay muttered, mildly ruffled.
"Now then," The first native boomed loudly. "I think we should kill him."
"K-Kill me?" Chakotay choked.
"Or cook him." The second native mused.
"C-Cook." The Commander paled.
"Or we could pee on him."
"Now just a minute!" Chakotay protested passionately. The two natives stared at him curiously.
"Ahem.look, before you arrange to do something you will almost certainly regret to me, I think you should know that I'm here to see my Captain, not.er.trespass on holy ground or whatever." Chakotay explained jerkily, put off by the native's staring eyes, sharp teeth, knives and forks and bottles of water which could prompt them to commit any number of frightful evils!
"Captain?" The spanner-native repeated blankly.
"Yes. Captain Janeway - I'm here to talk to her, you see, and -"
"He wants to see Queen Janey?"
"Perhaps he is the One!"
"The One - yes, yes! This is excellent!"
"You come to wed Queen Janey?" The booming native.er.boomed.
"Wha'!?" Chakotay said. Then: "Huh? Marry Queen - no - I - you've got the wrong end of the - aargh!! Hey - put me down!"
Before anything more could be said on the topic, Commander Chakotay found himself being lifted bodily and in another moment he was flying through a jungle: vines, leaves and small monkeys hitting his face violently as the undergrowth blurred past. Then, just as randomly as the nightmare had begun, Chakotay found himself back to his correct and upright position and standing before a large blazing campfire.
The natives were nowhere to be seen (although Chakotay was certain he heard a retreating voice bitterly mutter something about 'wouldn't kill you to loose a few pounds!') and the Commander was alone. An eerie rhythm of sounds suddenly filled the night air - like music, except eerie.
"Uh-huh." Chakotay muttered, thoroughly spooked and just a little irritated because someone was poking him in the back.wait a minute - poking him in the back?! The Commander swung around and punched his antagonist squarely in the nose.
"Yeeooow!" Kathryn Janeway yelped, falling over backwards and gripping her bleeding nose.
"Kathryn?!!" Chakotay cried in dismay, glancing around frantically for any possible escape route before his Captain's inevitable wrath descended upon him.
"Chakoday!" Janeway greeted brightly (if a little sniffily) as she hauled herself to her feet. With blood still streaming down her face, her welcoming smile appeared more than a little manic.
"Oh! Spirits above - I'm so sorry Captain!" Chakotay said desperately, searching his pockets for a hanky, yet finding only.
"Why, Commander - pink fluffy mittens? I had no idea you were that kind of man!" Janeway chortled with a sly wink.
"What? No! These - these are Tuvok's!" Chakotay spluttered, ramming the offending articles savagely back into his trouser pocket.
"Captain.are you alright? It really was an accident."
"No harm done!" Janeway said dismissively, still grinning in rather disconcerting manner. "At least you didn't try to hit me with your shoe like usual."
"Ah, yes.well." The Commander muttered, reddening further. This encounter with the Captain was not going anything like he'd envisioned it on his was down in the turbolift.
"Now Captain, I don't mean to pry, but I thought you told me you were going to be spending your vacation time in a.ahem.pottery class." Chakotay said, glancing pointedly at Janeway's jungle attire which consisted of grass, coconuts, paint and little else.
"Yes, well, I go bored, okay? There's only so many times I can smash up pottery before I get bored - and will you please stop calling me 'Captain'? It's Queen Janey round here." Kathryn said primly, beginning to shuffle around the campfire in imitation of a tribal dance.
"Okaaaaay." Chakotay straightened his uniform uneasily. "So.Queen Janey, has the Doctor by any chance increased your morphine dosage?"
"Hm? Oh yes, that. Well, I got a little annoyed at having to wait on his daily checkups, so I kind of programmed the replicator to put my medication into everything I order.food, drink, books, pet goats."
"Uh-huh." Chakotay repeated, seriously beginning to consider climbing the nearest tree as a plausible escape option...
"So tell me now - what are you doing here? Didn't those guys tell you about the whole 'holy ground' thing I've got going on?" Kathryn jabbered.
"Trust me, Cap-er.Queen Janey, I would not be here right now if I hadn't drawn the shortest straw with the rest of the bridge crew." Chakotay said bitterly. "And I still say I was set up."
"Right, right." Janeway agreed distractedly as she began ferreting through a pile of fruit on the ground. "Here, Chakotay - have a kiwi!"
"Well, okay - hey, wait a minute, did you replicate this?"
"Nope, it was here when I arrived." Janeway said innocently.
"Alright." Chakotay sighed, wearily accepting the fruit. "Anyway, the reason I came here is that.well.you see.Captain - I mean, Queen Janey.while we all fully support your dire need of a vacation.your chosen replacement isn't exactly fulfilling its duties for the rest of the ship." Chakotay explained diplomatically...or at least he hoped it was diplomatically.
"What? Moogoo isn't a good enough Captain for you?!" Janeway yelled, scandalised.
"Ah, Moogoo.is a good Captain.but.to put it frankly.she's a hamster for Spirit's sakes!!!" Chakotay snapped. Janeway's face dropped.
"I see. I had no idea my First Officer was so narrow-minded."
"What? No, I'm not.Captain Moogoo is very good at.being a hamster, but she just doesn't possess the necessary skills required of a Starfleet Captain." Chakotay explained desperately whilst chewing on his kiwi for comfort. Janeway frowned at him disapprovingly, and then sighed heavily.
"I see what's really going on here." She murmured. Chakotay swallowed his mouthful and forced himself to ask:
"What?"
"You're obviously jealous of the power I've given Moogoo. You're only complaining because you want her job."
"Acc-rjj!!!" Chakotay choked on the bite he had unwisely taken and had to pause for a moment to collect himself enough to spit it out.
"Jealous?? I - you - Moo -" Chakotay had to stop himself again and take several deep breaths.
"Queen Janey, I am not jealous of Moogoo. I just want what's best for the ship-"
"Do you? I don't think so. Moogoo is the best damned officers we've got -"
"For Spirit's sake, Kathryn - she peed in your coffee cup this morning, she bit Ensign Kim on the nose and refused to let go for a whole shift, she threatened to have Tom Paris beheaded for accidentally falling over her roll-ball on the bridge, and she's already tried to nest in Tuvok's ears - four times!!!" Chakotay screamed, the pent up frustration of a whole week under the command of a rodent finally bursting free.
"Yeah. You're jealous."
"AARGH!" Chakotay snarled.
"You're really letting this get to you, aren't you Chakotay?" Janeway observed mildly, watching as her normally calm and stoic First Officer tore out clumps of his own hair.
"Fine!" Chakotay panted. "Fine. I accept you.want Moogoo to remain as Captain, but can we at least deactivate her voice-machine?!"
"Certainly not! How will she give her commands?" Janeway demanded.
"Commands?!" Chakotay's voice came out strangled. This was almost enough to push him over the edge again.
"Commands?! All she's said over the past week has been - 'Die Chakotay, die', 'off with his head', and 'Squeak, squeak.'!"
"So the Computer's having trouble interpreting her requests - we have to make allowances, Chakotay." Janeway said patently. She sighed and added soothingly:
"I think you just need more time to adjust to Moogoo. I'll be back on duty soon, but until then you just need to learn to appreciate her commanding qualities and before you know it you'll love her as dearly as I do." A glazed look came over Janeway and she clasped her hands to her chest, sighing wistfully as she thought of that cutie little button-nosed, squinty- eyed rodent she'd grown to adore. Swiftly recognising the look and resisting the urge to wretch, Chakotay turned away with a defeated slump of his shoulders. He'd let himself out of the holodeck.
* * * * * *
"Er.Tom, why are you vacuuming on the bridge?" Harry Kim shifted nervously at the Opps station as he watched his best friend scrub the head of the primitive contraption forwards and backwards across a particularly stubborn stain.
"Gonna have to speak up, buddy - I'm vacuuming!" Tom Paris yelled cheerily, redoubling his efforts with a slight frown of concentration.
"I noticed!" Harry shouted back, exasperated. "Look, maybe you should stop before someone sees! I mean, how long do Vulcan toilet breaks last anyway? What if Tuvok comes back and finds out you weren't at the helm?"
"Of course you don't look frumpy in your uniform, Har! I actually think you look very attractive!!" Paris bellowed across the bridge. "Jeez - I'm starting to think the 'Captain' had another 'accident' on the rug over here. Damn these Starfleet-issue-super-absorbent-starship-carpets!"
"But Tom - why are you vacuuming?!" Kim shrieked. He wasn't really all that concerned that Paris would get caught. His game of Tetras on the Opps console had lost whatever attraction it had first held, oh, say - two years previously, and watching Paris being hauled off to the brig for excessive vacuuming whilst on duty would be as welcome a distraction as any.
"How the hell should I know where you keep your Tuesday Pants?!" Tom snorted, giving up on the stain and wondering over to those darker corners of the bridge where members of the beta shift had been rumoured to have disappeared mysteriously.
Kim meanwhile was searching for something to hurl at his friend, when the doors of the Captain's Ready Room slid open. In another instant a small, rather round hamster trotted into view, its tuffty golden fur spiking up through the constraints of its tiny Starfleet Command uniform, complete with iddy-biddy Captain's pips.
"Argh!" Kim yelped as he noticed the rodent over the top of his station.
"Erg - Hamster - no, I mean - Captain - er - rodent - no - that is to say, you are, but - I - errr - Oh! Something.on the bridge.? Oh, just forget it!" Harry howled, extremely flustered and unable to sound entirely professional whilst the whooooooom of the vacuum continued to drown him out. The hamster eyed the Ensign with malice (or as much malice as those sweetie-pie button-eyes could muster) and then it too seemed to notice the unorthodox activities of its Chief Helmsman.
"PAAA-RIS!!" The voice that boomed from the.Captain.was not natural for a hamster. In fact, about the only person it was natural for was Barry White. Yet despite the deafening resonance of the voice, Tom remained miraculously oblivious, indeed, so consumed was he with his task of vacuuming (whilst giving a lusty rendition of 'How Much is That Doggie in the Window?' - an old Earth favourite of his) that he failed to notice the presence of his new Captain all together.
"TOM! SWITCH OFF THE VACUUM!!" Harry bellowed helplessly from Opps. Suddenly he remembered something from a survival training course he'd done with Commander Chakotay and bent over to tug off his shoe.
"- the one with the waggily tail!!"
"PAAAAAAAA-RIS!!!"
"TOM!" Kim shrieked desperately as he fumbled with his laces. Moogoo looked on the verge of ruining all over the bridge's newly-vacuumed carpet.
"LIEUTENANT!!!" Barry White boomed.
"-I do hope that doggie's for sale - aargh! Ouch!! Jesus, Harry!" Paris squealed as his best friend's trusty size nine connected with the back of his skull.
"What the hell do you think you're -" Paris swung around, the nozzle of the vacuum sweeping devastatingly too low, the engulfing mouth tilting too close -
"Lieutenant!" Moogoo howled in horror just before -
Whooooooooooooooooooooo- shnkt -ooooooooooooooooooooooom
Paris stared down at the bulge shooting along the neck of the vacuum, then slowly up at a mortified Harry Kim, then back down at the vacuum.
"Holy shit!!"
"Turn it off, turn it off!" Harry shrieked hoarsely. Tom kicked the switch and in the deafening silence that followed, he and Harry stared transfixed at the mute vacuum pack as if expecting it to burst into flames.
"W-what have you done, Tom?" Harry was the first one to speak.
"Wow, wow, wow - what have I done? Nu-uh, no way - you threw the shoe!" Paris protested, his need to dump the blame on someone else kicking in like a survival instinct.which, it was.
"What? Tom - you just vacuumed the Captain!!"
"Moogoo is not the Captain, dammit!"
"Oh god - Janeway's gonna kill you!" Harry ran out from behind Opps, hobbling over to his discarded shoe, and returning it hastily to his foot just in case the pilot's earlier threats held any merit.
"Oh crap, oh crap!" Tom was pacing frantically up and down in front of the helm, the vacuum head still clasped tightly in his hand. He kept throwing horrified looks in its direction as though he was holding a bloodied knife.
"Why were you vacuuming on the bridge anyway?" Harry whimpered.
"How the hell should I know why I do stuff?" Paris snapped. Abruptly he ceased his pacing and stared at Kim with a dangerous light in his eyes.
"I've got it!"
"Tom."
"No, no - it's perfect! We-we'll space her!"
"Tom!" Kim looked like he'd just been asked to fill the Captain's quarters with horse manure. "You're crazy!"
"It's brilliant! We can do it - b-before anyone sees!!" Paris sounded more than a little hysterical, but Harry wasn't about to argue whilst a vacuum head was being brandished at him in such a resolved fashion.
"Let's see.space shoot, space shoot." Tom was hunting around under the helm console without much luck. Shaking his head and muttering, the pilot crawled across the floor of the bridge to the Captain's chair, the vacuum still trailing along behind him.
"Ah-ha!" Tom crowed in delight as he located a space shoot beneath Commander Chakotay's chair.
"That's a little weird.why would Chakotay have a space shoot hooked up directly beneath his chair?" Paris mused. "Must be for all those long shifts, eh, Harry, eh?" Tom winked jauntily at his friend who just looked disgusted, thoughts of manure still too fresh in the Ensign's mind.
"Will you please hurry up?" Harry wined fearfully. "Computer, locate Tuvok."
"Lieutenant Commander Tuvok is.performing an Irish jig in the Mess Hall." The Computer responded pleasantly.
"WHA'??" Kim choked.
"Forget it, Har. As long as he's not coming to the bridge yet, we'll be fine." Tom informed his friend distractedly, scrunching up his eyes tightly as he emptied the contents of the vacuum into the space disposal shoot.
"And eject!" Paris said, stabbing the necessary button and listening with horrified fascination to the suction sound as the business was taken care of - and not a moment too soon, for just then, the turbolift doors slid open to emit an exhausted-looking Commander Chakotay.
"Commander!!" Harry must have made some vague effort to sound cheerful, but instead the forced perkiness along with the recently torn vocal cords seemed merely to combine and give Chakotay the impression that the Ensign had finally become as mentally unhinged as the rest of the crew.
"What a morning!" Chakotay sighed wearily, staggering down the steps of the bridge to his chair, and, after stumbling awkwardly over his Chief Helmsman, Chakotay took his seat.
"Mr. Paris.why is there a vacuum by my chair?" Chakotay asked, deciding that whatever answer he'd receive to the more obvious question of: 'why are you crawling around on the floor?' would only succeed in unbalancing him further than he already was.
"Hey - are you two trying to dump me with bridge cleaning duty - because if you are -"
"Oh, no, no - of course not, Commander." Tom stammered. Chakotay frowned, only now just noticing that Harry Kim looked on the verge of a nervous breakdown, whilst Paris appeared to have started randomly humming "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" - as sure a sign as any that he was under a great deal of strain.or was that the "Teddy Bear's Picnic" song? Damn, Chakotay knew he shouldn't have turned down that 'get to know your fellow crewmen' brochure Janeway had tried to give him when he'd first boarded Voyager. Paris' chapter had been titled something like: "Tom Paris: the God-awful Pilot behind the God-awful Music".or at least that's what Chakotay would have titled it if he'd written the brochure.maybe he'd give it a try. It would sure give him a chance to pursue that childhood dream of his of becoming a writer -
"Hey, wait a minute - I thought your childhood dream was to become an anthropologist!" Tom interrupted. Chakotay scowled at the pilot.
"Just keep your nose out of my musings, will yah?! Jeez, it's like living with a bunch of freakin' telepaths."
"Look buddy, your thoughts are open to anyone who can read!" Tom retorted huffily. Harry nudged his friend sharply in the ribs.
"Can it, Tom. We're not supposed to be aware of the narrative." The Ensign muttered out of the corner of his mouth, and then fixed a strained smile on his face whilst glancing around nervously to see if the narrator had heard. (which I had. Dumb asses.)
"Now that's just rude." Harry sniffed.
"I think we're straying from the point a little here." Chakotay wisely interrupted. "Now will you two just tell me what's going on?" As the Commander rose from his chair in a menacing fashion, Paris and Kim stiffened and looked at one another in terror.
"I should - make coffee!" Harry screamed, darting away to the nearest replicator. When Chakotay looked back at Paris, the pilot was deeply engrossed in a console at the helm.
"Tom, why are you and Harry acting like a pair of.of."
"Murderers?? Go ahead, say it Chakotay!!" Tom yelled, swinging away from his console to glare accusingly at the Commander.
"You can't prove a thing! Now stop trying to get me to crack - some of us have work to do 'round here you know!" Paris snapped riotously before jerking back to the screen.
"Er, Tom." Chakotay said tentatively. "You haven't switched the console on yet-"
"Don't tell me how to fly the ship, and I won't tell you how to.er.do whatever the hell it is you do 'round here!" Tom muttered rapidly, hitting random buttons on the helm in an effort to look busy.
"One lump or two?!" Harry shrieked from the back of the bridge, his hands trembling so violently that he'd had to re-order the coffee six times so far.
"Harry, what are you doing?" Chakotay demanded, frustrated beyond belief as he turned to address the skittish Ensign. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you two were.guilty about something."
Harry raised his head to look guiltily at his superior, whipping his sweaty palms guiltily down his shirt before readjusting the 'I am very guilty at this moment' sign which had somehow become attached around his neck.
"W-w-whatever gave you that idea, Sir?" Harry stammered, but suddenly froze as he caught sight of something over the Commander's shoulder which would feature in most of his nightmares for the next twelve years.or there abouts.basically until it is replaced by his usual nightmares of plummeting helplessly into an endless abyss of death with Tom's voice all around him singing the theme tune from 'Happy Days'.
"Good sweet guacamole!!" Harry paled as he stared in horror at Voyager's viewscreen.
"Ensign - what is it?" Chakotay asked, alarmed - having actually read Harry's surprisingly colourful chapter of the brochure and knowing full well that the Ensign was only prone to using the word 'guacamole' under the most dire of circumstances.
"N-nothing! Just thought I saw some MOOOvement out there!" Kim said, gulping down a mugful of scolding hot coffee before turning back to the replicator for more.
"Harry?" Even Tom was perplexed - surely the brutal killing of their Captain hadn't been enough to push the Ensign this far over the edge.
"I'm fine.just this coffee.it's kinda GOOOOOi." Kim tilted his head suggestively at the viewscreen as he locked eyes with Tom, then seeing the pilot turn slowly in that direction, leapt over the bridge railing and grabbed Chakotay's arm before he could follow suit.
"So Commander - tell me how your meeting with the Captain went - Captain Janeway that is.the only real Captain we'll ever have. Yessir, we all just love that woman, eh Tom?" Harry jabbered, keeping tight hold of the Commander so his back remained to the viewscreen.
Tom meanwhile was squinting intently out into the starry depths of whatever galaxy they were currently cruising through; trying to catch a glimpse of whatever it was that had so spooked Harry. I mean, what could possibly cause the Ensign such distress? Paris wondered absently. Asides from gooi coffee that is.wait just a minute - gooi? Goo? As in.MOOGOO? Good sweet guacamole indeed.
"Holy - Moly!" Tom choked as he finally saw something tiny and gold wearing a Starfleet uniform rotating slowly as it made a steady, drifting progression towards the viewscreen.
"Tom?" Chakotay tried to turn around and see what had now caused his pilot alarm, but Harry Kim was still holding on gamely.
"N-nothing to worry about, Commander," Tom said weakly , watching in helpless dismay as recently spaced Captain Moogoo floated ever nearer, tiny paws working furiously in the zero-gravity.
"I was just surprised to.er.see all those.er.stars! Yeah, stars. Incredible."
"Do you need to go to Sickbay, Tom?" Chakotay asked gently. It appeared that Voyager's pilot was only just noticing the stars passing by the window.
"No, no, not me!" Tom laughed a little unsteadily, fiddling with the helm controls as he tried to locate the viewscreen 'off' button. Chakotay shook his head and decided he was having one seriously weird-assed morning.
Suddenly there was a dull 'thunk' on the outside of the viewscreen, then a piercing, drawn out 'shrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!' which sounded like.well, just like hamster nails scraping across a windshield about the size of a starship viewscreen.
"What the hell was that?" Chakotay managed to pull free of Kim, but spinning around he saw only Paris draped in front of a large portion of the viewscreen in what looked like a rather unnatural pose.
"Are you sure you're all right, Lieutenant?" Chakotay asked slowly, noticing the way that the skin under the pilot's eye twitched involuntarily every so often as he struggled to maintain a cheerful, carefree smile.
"Oh, yeah - never felt more alive, Commander! Yep, just thought I'd see how the bridge looks from this angle." Tom responded, still leering painfully.
"But what's that noise?" Chakotay asked.
"Noise, Sir?" Harry repeated innocently. Moogoo meanwhile was sliding inch by painstaking inch across the glass outside, tiny hamster nails clinging on for all they were worth - which, on the remote planet of Zimi, was a great deal, particularly as hamster-nail soup is considered a rare delicacy. (This piece of useless knowledge was brought to you by *PoopTalk*, authors of the universally worst-selling book: '12,000 Things you didn't know about the Delta Quadrant and Probably Have No Business Knowing')
"What has any of this got to do with that goddam annoying sound I can hear?" Chakotay bellowed.
"I don't hear anything, do you Tom?" Harry said.
"Nope, nada, not a thing, absolutely nothing suspicious or illegal is going on. At all." Paris agreed.
"Okay, you two are seriously starting to creep me out now."
"Creep you out, Sir?" Kim repeated in what he hoped was his award-winning- greener-than-green-fresh-out-of-Starfleet-don't-know-where-the-bathroom-is- Ensign-voice.
Tom meanwhile, had suddenly froze mid-way across the viewscreen, one arm wrapped around the back of his head, the other flung out in a position that was likely to dislocate something important, but assured to hide any stray pieces of hamster anatomy which may have been on display.
The screech of claws on glass had abruptly ceased. Harry shot Tom an uncertain glance and the pilot chanced a furtive look behind him to check what was going on outside.
"Little bastard!"
"Lieutenant!?" Chakotay choked.
"Er.sorry, Sir.it's just that.er.I just realised.that.er.Harry's been cheating on me with B'Elanna! Wait - switch that 'round." Tom corrected hurriedly. At Kim's astonished and then murderous expression, the pilot simply shrugged apologetically.
"Is this true, Harry?" Chakotay cried in disbelief. The Ensign stared at his Commanding Officer and then at Tom. Neither offered much support or direction. Desperately, Harry cast his mind back to all those years ago when he'd taken that course on dramatic improvisation at the academy.
"Well.sure, yeah - B'Elanna and I have been seeing each other in secret for years! Frankly I'm amazed no one's noticed until now." Harry practically yelled. Chakotay blinked at the younger man, completely flummoxed. What the hell had been in that damned kiwi?!
"But Harry - when? How?" The Commander stammered.
"Er."
Whilst Harry battled to weave some elaborate series of deceitful events to captivate Chakotay, Paris was back at the helm, his concentration torn between flipping frantically through his 'Starship Piloting for Dummies' manual, and throwing hateful glares in the direction of his former Captain Moogoo who appeared to have somehow fashioned a make-shift lasso from a combination of shredded uniform and woven fur balls (was there any survival training course that Starfleet Academy didn't provide?).
Here it was: survival at its finest - one man who couldn't kill a hamster, one hamster who couldn't be killed.
"Until now!" Paris muttered gleefully, tossing aside the manual, having found what he was looking for. He leant forward in his chair and pressed the button that would decide the fate of them all: The windshield wipers!!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Moogoo's muffled shriek of torment was drowned out by the super-pressure jets either side of the viewscreen powering up and then blasting the glass with a ridiculous amount of soap liquid before the mighty pair of wipers swept masterfully across the screen to finish the job.
"Yes!! Die, die - mwhahahaha!!" Tom cackled, rocking backwards and forwards.
"Harry - how could you?? In the hammock Tom bought B'Elanna for their anniversary gift!" Chakotay was crying out in outraged horror.
"Well, that was before we discovered that B'Elanna's postman's son was having a secret affair with the illegitimate daughter of Tom's cousin's mother's therapist who was really the king of a minor planetary system called Aragzonia in the far off reaches of the Algra Quadrant - but the government aren't gonna let us know about that one for another century or so."
"But did B'Elanna keep the baby? And what about Tom's shameless liaisons with her evil twin, M'Elanna??" The Commander asked breathlessly, ever the sap for a good soap opera.
"What a crock of Pluto slush!" Tom snorted from the helm. Harry and Chakotay started and turned to stare at the pilot like he was a misplaced fusion coil. Paris frowned at the simile and silently cursed the number of times he'd allowed B'Elanna to talk engines with him.
"Crock of Pluto slush?!" Harry repeated, hurt. "At least my story makes sense! You're the one washing the viewscreen of a Starship in the middle of deep space!! And another thing, shouldn't Moogoo have, you know, exploded from the pressure out there??"
Silence descended over the bridge for a brief instant before Tom nervously cleared his throat and jumped up from the helm.
"Well, anyway, danger averted, Harry - I'm off for a beer!"
"We'll join you!" Chakotay yelled cheerfully.
"Hey, guys - aren't we all, er.you know, supposed to be on duty?" Harry said hesitantly as he followed the two men into the 'lift. As the doors hissed shut, they all paused and stared at one another before Tom clipped his best friend on the back of the head.
"I'm getting real tired of that logical attitude of yours, mister!"
Chakotay suddenly frowned and looked about as if searching for something in the confines of the turbolift (you can't fault the guy's optimism).
"Hey, speaking of logic.where is Tuvok??"
* * * * * *
To be continued kiddies! But, er, before I go writing a novel or anything, what did you think? Loved it? Want to name your children after me? Want to throw an elaborate parade for me.and we're back to throwing stuff I see.