© April 2003

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All I Need

By Youjibaracuda

~*~SIXTEEN~*~

**~*~flashback~*~**

Hitomi felt the ground once more beneath her feet before she opened her eyes.

Just as she was expecting, it was near sunrise, in a small clearing of a forest. She looked up to the star-filled sky and let a smile appear on her face when she caught sight of the Earth hanging just behind the moon.

She'd made it. She was finally back on Gaea.

She giggled in spite of herself, excitement filling her body making her feel like she was fifteen again. Only this time things were different: there was no war, there was no fighting, and most importantly of all, for her there would only be Van.

That is, unless he's married already or something, the nagging little voice inside her quipped.

Hitomi angrily pushed that voice aside. She had made a choice. She wouldn't live her life as she had for the past year where it was too painful to even breathe because of the void within her. She wasn't going to continue living with the nagging thought that she hadn't done anything to ensure her own happiness. She was determined to make Van Fanel a part of her life, one way or another.

She looked around at where she was but didn't recognize anything familiar. She readjusted the strap of her knapsack which contained her few belongings, and with a sigh picked a direction and began to walk. Hopefully she would soon find a village and they would point her in the direction of Fanelia. She also pushed away the thoughts of what would happen if she didn't  find  village or if she ran into unfriendly people. Instead, she thought of what she was going to tell Van once she found him. She knew she'd have explaining to do.

~*~

She had been walking along side a dusty road (something which she had considered safe) hoping that she would encounter someone who could help her out. But it was already past nine in the morning (by her watch) which meant she'd been walking for five hours without encountering a soul. She was beginning to wonder if this had been a good idea.

Just then, she heard the sound of what she hoped were travelers behind her, the sound bringing relief to her heart. She saw what appeared to be a caravan coming towards her, picking up a pile of dust as they went along.

They didn't look like they would be stopping, but then the first carriage came to halt just as it passed her. It wasn't really a carriage, more like an oversized cart that was carrying crates of things.

"Hey there, boy!" the man driving the wagon called to her. "What are you doing in the middle of the road? Don't you know it's dangerous out here?"

Hitomi was about to give a smart response after the man called her a boy, but stopped herself short when she realized that to them, she must really look like a boy. She had cut off the dyed part of her hair, leaving just a short haircut not too unlike the one she had when she first came to Gaea. The difference was that her hair had turned a rich brown color, which had made Hitomi's mother comment how much she looked like her grandmother. On top of that, she was wearing jeans, a plain white t-shirt and an old pair of black Docs. So, she didn't exactly look feminine.

The man who had asked her the question was looking at her suspiciously. He must think I'm a bandit or something, she reasoned.

"I was on my way to Fanelia, but got separated from my group and got lost," she told him, "I was hoping to come by a village that could point me in the right direction."

The man snorted. "Fanelia! Boy, are you lost buddy. You couldn't be father from Fanelia if you tried!"

At this Hitomi's spirits fell. She had expected to have landed somewhere near Fanelia. It had happened that way every other time! What had happened? More importantly, what was she going to do now?

"What's going on? Why have we stopped?" she heard a commanding voice from behind her.

"I'm sorry my Lord, it's just that this boy was in the middle of the road.  He got lost on his way to Fanelia," the driver of the oversized cart explained.

Hitomi turned around then, thinking that something about the voice she'd heard sounded familiar. Who she found as soon as she turned around was the last person she'd expected.

"Dryden!" she exclaimed.

His usual glasses slipped down the bridge of his nose as he frowned at her slightly. Then his eyes went wide and for a precious moment Dryden Fassa was at a loss for words. Then he let his signature smile play on his lips.

"Don't worry, Zak. This here is an old friend. We'll take her wherever she needs to go," he said to the driver of the cart. The man shrugged at his master's strange behavior, but then again Dryden was always strange. So he brushed it off and urged his beasts to move forward.

Hitomi gave Dryden a big hug. "You don't know how glad I am to see you!" she exclaimed, "I was beginning to think that I was going to be lost out here forever."

Dryden laughed as brought his arm around Hitomi's shoulders and led her towards his carriage in the caravan. "Finally, someone entertaining for a change! The ride to Ezgardia won't be nearly as boring now," he said in a playful tone, winking at her in his usual easy going manner as they got into the carriage. "Besides, you don't really think I could leave the savior of Gaea just on the side of the road like that? I'd never hear the end of it!"

Hitomi giggled as the carriage moved forward and the caravan continued on their way.

"So, where are we exactly?" Hitomi asked.

"Right now we're traveling towards Ezgardia, I have a shipment to send off to Asturia using the port there. It's the fastest and safest way for cargo to travel since that part of the sea is monitored closely by the authorities of the Alliance," Dryden offered.
"The Alliance?" Hitomi asked.

"Yes, the alliance between Asturia, Fanelia, Ezgardia, Freid, Basram, and the new Zaibach. Supposedly, it's all for the best," Dryden said a bit bitterly, but he quickly brushed it aside, "But tell me about you. When did you get here?"

"Just before sunrise today," she answered him.

Dryden leaned forward towards her, "Here to see the King of Fanelia?"

Hitomi felt her cheeks redden as Dryden laughed at her blush. "I thought you would. I didn't think that you'd come all the way from the Mystic Moon just to chat with me."

"Well, I might have," Hitomi told him, trying to save face to which Dryden chuckled again.

"So tell me, Hitomi, how's your life been since you left us?" he asked, leaning back into the cushion of the seat and tossing his long hair aside.

Hitomi sighed as her face grew serious. "Not as well as I would have liked," she said. She wasn't sure what it was, but for the first time she felt that could openly talk about her life and her feelings openly. There was something about Dryden that just made her feel comfortable. And so they went on for hours, Hitomi talking about her life on Earth, Van's proposal, her refusal, and her ultimate decision to find him once again.

"I can't live without him anymore," Hitomi summed up, "He has me within him, and when we're apart I feel empty. All I want is to feel whole again."

Dryden up until this point had offered almost no commentary aside from the occasional words of encouragement.

"Hitomi, you find yourself with a difficult task ahead of you," he began.

"I know," she interrupted. "But I don't care what I have to do."

She raised her eyes to meet his, determination in her voice. "For once, I plan to get what I want."

Dryden looked back to her, not wanting to put this poor girl through anymore than she already had. He knew that she wasn't thinking clearly because if she was, she would know that her situation with Van was nearly impossible.

But, then again, he thought with a small smile, so it seemed between me and Millerna. He looked at the determined woman before him. Maybe she'll get through this.

He smiled fondly at her, "I wish you the best of luck, Hitomi. And I want you to know that if there's anything that I can do for you, I will."

She smiled back at him warmly. "Thank you so much Dryden. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it."

"Well," Dryden said, slapping his leg as he scooted forward in his seat, "We have yet some time before we get to the port. From there I can even personally take you to Fanelia. I have to stop by there anyway."

Hitomi was about to ask him why when he spoke again. "So how about I fill you in with Gaean news?"

"I would like that," she answered.

~*~

Dryden jumped out of the carriage and stretched his arms up above his head as Hitomi climbed out behind him. It was nearly sunset, and after traveling in the cramped carriage all day, Hitomi was grateful to finally be able to stretch her sore limbs.

"Don't wander off," Dryden told her as he went about checking up on the rest of the caravan, which was mostly just merchants and merchandise.

Hitomi strolled a little ways off to look at the sea that stretched out before her. What would Van say when she saw him? Would he be happy? She hoped so. He'd taken a part of her that fateful day, and she didn't like what she'd been left with. Since then, she wasn't the same person. She would put on the front of her old self to her family and to van when she talked to him, but there was no truth behind it. She had become more cynical, less carefree, the void within her making it hard to find enjoyment in things. She had thrown herself into her work and her kendo practice with such force that her sensei had told her several times to not attack with such force. She wanted to be who she used to be, to have the happiness of being with the one person who completed her.

She was broken away from her thoughts as a hand came down on her shoulder.
"Hey, you've had a long day, you deserve some rest," he said. "You can stay at the inn with me, though I'm not promising the lap of luxury, and to morrow we can see about getting you to Fanelia."

Hitomi shook her head. "I don't mind. Thank you so much for your help."

"It's the least I can do for you," he said with a smile and led her towards the village.

They arrived upon the inn, which Hitomi discovered was also a tavern (though she wasn't very surprised) and they entered.

"My lord Dryden!" a short pudgy, but friendly, man came up to them as they entered. "Glad to see you arrived in safety."

"Thank you, Juni, yes everything is in order," Dryden answered, shaking the man's hand. "I'm going to have to ask you for another room. I ran into an old friend."

The man named Juni looked to Hitomi with a warm smile. "I'm sure I can find a room for the little lady."

Hitomi smiled back at him her thanks as Joni led them through the tavern to the rooms in the back. He opened a door an motioned for them to step inside a small study room.

"Please wait here while I make the extra arraignments," he said. Then a man came up to him and handed Joni a bundle of letters.

"My lord Dryden," Juni said, handing him the letters, "These were left for you."

"Thanks, Joni," Dryden told him and the man left the room.

Dryden strolled over to the small desk and lit the candles that were there, since the light of the sun was fading fast. He opened the bundle and started looking over the letters.

"Boring, boring, boring, business…" he stopped when he found one that was different from the others. This one was addressed to him in the elegant penmanship of a lady.  Hitomi couldn't help but smile a little when she saw the smallest hint of a blush on Dryden's cheeks. The letter must have been from Millerna. Dryden cleared his throat, dumping the rest of the letters on the table and grabbing a letter opener.

"Milord," Juni's voice came from the door, "Shall I show you to your rooms?"

"Go, I'll go in a little bit," Dryden said, not looking up from the letter.

With that, Hitomi followed Joni to her quarters.

~*~

Dryden's eyes flew over the letter. There wasn't much substance to it, all it talked about were pleasantries, etc. but it meant a lot to him that Millerna would write to him. It had taken some time, but they had finally been able to speak to each other again. It had only been this past year, while Dryden had been away, that Millerna began to write to him regularly. Their relationship was slowly beginning to build.

Usually, Millerna's letters would make him smile, but this one was different.

          "…I'm writing to you from Fanelia. We got word a couple of days ago from Van. He sent for me to come right away, since his wife had not

been feeling to well. Then, two days ago, she went into an early labor. I was very worried since the child had three weeks to go yet, but

thankfully, we were able to have it be born. It was a healthy baby boy named Kiross who, as Van says, looks just like Folken. He is the

cutest little thing you'll ever see (though Serena and Gaddess' little girl is running a strong second) and I've never seen parents (or

council members) so proud in my life. I think they're just happy that Van finally let them have their way and produce an heir.

 I understood from Van that you were supposed to come Fanelia soon. I hope everything that you were doing in Ezgardia is well. You

know what Eries says about such things. She thinks that traveling is very troublesome, so…"

Dryden bit his lip as he put down Millerna's letter. He then sifted once again through the pile of remaining letters and sure enough, he found what he thought. He broke the royal seal on the back of the envelope and extracted the one page letter in Van's handwriting:

          "Dryden, old friend. I'm writing you to give you the best news. I'm a father! Can you believe it? I must confess I hardly believe it myself.

His name is Kiross Lacour de Fanel, the heir to the Fanelian throne. Everyone is thrilled even though the little guy gave us all a scare by

coming too soon, as I'm sure Millerna already told you about.

I'm also writing to ask that you come to Fanelia earlier than planned, not only to celebrate the birth of my son, but also to discuss very

delicate matters involving Fanelia and her seclusion. I need your advice, since right now I'm at my wits end. Everyone else from the old

gang is here and anxious to see you, Millerna most of all I believe. I hope to see you soon.

Van"

Dryden sighed as he put the letter down. On the one hand he was glad (if not a little envious) that Van had begun a family, but his heart went out to Hitomi. He didn't believe the poor girl was able to handle Van having a wife, much less now having a child. He didn't know how things like this happened on the Mystic Moon, but on Gaea, they were ugly situations, often involving scandalous affairs, horrible secrets and most of all incredible amounts of heartache.

He knew what she was feeling, he himself felt the same way for Millerna. Hitomi wanted to do everything she could to be near Van.

Dryden ran his hand through his hair. This wasn't going to be easy to tell Hitomi, but he couldn't let her blindly throw herself into a situation she couldn't handle. He looked to the clock on the mantle that read eight o'clock. It was still early, but no doubt she had gone to bed already. She needed her rest, so Dryden decided to wait till morning to tell her.

~*~

It broke his heart to watch her face pale as her eyes looked over Van's letter. Her hands visibly shook as her eyes ran over it again and again, as if she was searching for something that would make the whole thing false. Finally she put it down, not raising here eyes from the ground. She placed the letter lightly on the edge of the desk where he was sitting, and remained silent.

Dryden fidgeted in his seat, the uncomfortable silence getting to him, but thought it best to say nothing before she did.

The morning sunlight that shone through the window behind him caught on some stray flecks of gold in her brown hair.

"You're a true friend, Dryden," he heard her finally speak. "And I'm very sorry to leave you like this, but I think I need some time to think things over."

"Hitomi, I can't tell you how sorry I am that I had to tell you about all this…" Dryden said getting up and moving to her. "But it would have been wrong of me not to warn you. I know what you're feeling, but things aren't as hopeless as they first appear to be."

Hitomi lifted her head up, her green eyes covered in shadow. "Thank you, Dryden." She stood up to hug him before leaving the room. "I'll be back later," she said over her shoulder quietly before exiting the room.

She made her way to her room, shutting the door behind her, feeling the tears come to her eyes as she threw herself on her bed, crying bitterly into her pillow, wanting to do nothing more than disappear.

~*~

Hitomi had finally emerged from her room two days later, not uttering a word to anyone and hardly eating while she secluded herself from the world. She blinked her eyes as they adjusted to the brightness of the world outside. But then she felt all those despairing feelings return to her and she looked around as tears began to reform, wishing to out run the pain, the devastation, everything. But she found that she couldn't run. This was a strange place, and from what Dryden had told her, Gaea was no longer a safe place. She walked along silently, holding back the emotions until she couldn't hold them anymore. She found a rather large tree in a strangely situated grove of fruit trees. Impulsively, she grabbed the nearest branch and hauled herself up into the awaiting tree and proceeded to climb up in an automatic fashion which was strange to her since she hadn't climbed in trees since she was a little girl (much to the horror of her mother). When she felt that she was sufficiently high enough off the ground, she sat on a thick limb of the leaved giant. Patches of sunlight shone through the leaves, making abstract patters on her skin and clothes. She could smell the sea air, a smell that would forever of her home on Earth.

That's when it happened. The dam holding back her emotions collapsed, bringing another onslaught of bitter tears and sad thoughts of despair and defeat.

Her thoughts from the past two days replayed over and over in her mind. What had she been thinking? That once she and Van were together everything would be alright? She had known that he was married, and yet she still stubbornly believed that they could have a future together. Now he had a child, and though she doubted it was any more than a mere obligation to have an heir, she still understood that she couldn't just waltz in there and expect a happy ending. Happy endings weren't for her…she had always known this. It was just that she had been in denial and was grasping at foolish hope. All these were her thoughts as she bitterly wept.

She wept in grief, not just for losing Van, but for losing that part of herself that Van possessed.

"Hey boy! What are you doing there?" a voice called out.

Hitomi jumped as the question was directed towards her. She lowered her head to see beneath a bunch of leaves that obstructed her view of a building to her left. She saw an open window with the slightly irritated-looking innkeeper looking right at her. He looked bewildered when his eyes came in contact with her own.

"Oh Miss, it's you!" Juni said, relaxing somewhat.

 "You shouldn't be out there in that tree," he said in voice that now held concern, motioning her over to him.

"Young ladies like you shouldn't be climbing around in trees. It's dangerous," he scolded as she climbed in through his window.

She quickly wiped the remaining tears from her eyes so that he wouldn't see. She was standing in a sort of parlor room which she assumed to be the innkeeper's private quarters.

"I don't mean any disrespect, Milady," he said turning to her, "But I couldn't help but notice that you're upset."

Hitomi looked to him not all that surprised but rather embarrassed that a complete stranger would be seeing right through her.

"Yes," she said with a raspy unused voice, "You could say that I'm more than a bit upset."

"Well, I can tell you one thing," he said, pulling up a chair for her to sit in, "You don't get to be my age and do what I do without being able to read people pretty well."

Hitomi  sat a bit uncomfortably in her chair, giving the man named Juni a small smile.

"Here," he said, producing a glass and a bottle of a blueish liquid and pouring a bit out for her. "This will make you feel better."

Hitomi eyed the liquid in the glass. It didn't take a genius to figure out it was alcohol. She hadn't forgotten the last time she had drank Gaean alcohol and made a fool of herself in front of the Asturian court. But, she reasoned as she brought the glass to her lips, since then she had made it a point to build up her tolerance level.

She waited for any type of effect to come, but when none but a warmness came, she relaxed a little.

"Feel better?" Juni asked.

"A little, yes. Thank you," she answered him.

"I've noticed that you've been locked up in your room for the last couple of days. So I'm going to venture a guess," Juni said, sitting down across from her, his own glass in hand. "You've had your heart broken."

Hitomi's jaw dropped as the man smiled while taking a sip of his drink.

"Now, I don't know much about these things," he said, looking at her, "But I can tell you one thing I do know, milady. You have every right to grieve and pity yourself for the wrong that has been committed against you. But you musn't ever let it come to consume you. I'm sure that if you do, your life will be bitter and unpleasantly miserable. Just because you've had a bad experience with one person, or even with two or three people, it doesn't mean that the world cannot hold joy. Indeed, by secluding yourself from it, you are robbing all of us of all the good that is within you. And that, I think, would be a very great loss."

Hitomi looked at the remainder of the liqueur in her glass. His words were somehow registering somewhere in her foggy mind.  She raised her green eyes to make his. He was right. She was done with this, and with determination she raised her chin.

"I don't plan to hide from the world," she said in a firm voice, "My grief is my own to carry, as many carry a certain kind of private grief. I'm not going to hide. I even plan to have a new life."

Juni leaned back in his chair and let the corners of his mouth twitch into a smile. He could see that the young lady before him had a strong will and the makings of a great person who would make a difference in the world and ready to take on whatever would be thrown her way.

"My dear, I wish you well. Here's to you," he said lifting his glass in a toast and drinking. "And know that if you are ever at any time in need for anything, I'm at your disposal."

"You don't know how much that means to me, Sir Juni," Hitomi said, standing up. "and I thank you for your kind words and advice. And if you'll excuse me, now I have some things that have just come up that I must discuss with Dryden."

"Please, just call me Juni," the man said, lead standing up with her and lead her towards the door. He walked with her down the stairs and into the tavern.

"I'll see you later," she said to him with a small smile, "And thank you once again."

"You're welcome," Juni smiled at her, "And stay out of trees, young miss."

She nodded and began to walk away.

"Oh miss!" he called to her, "I don't know your name."

She turned around to look at him. An unconscious decision had been made during the last couple of days about herself and it wasn't until now that she accepted what she had to do. Hitomi Kanzaki was someone she would have to leave behind along with all being her meant.

"My name is Irishiko," she told him.

~*~end flashback~*~

TBC…

Baracuda here. Okay, how many of you really hate me right now? *sigh* oh well. Let me just say that this is not a happy fic, and I am sorry. This story was meant to be different from everything I've ever written before. Turns out angst may not really be my calling, but I thought I'd give it a shot. This situation is only going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope you'll still read it. IT would mean *so* much to me!

But I have some sad news: I'm going to be extremely busy from here till about mid-May…T_T school work is something I can no longer afford to neglect (as much as I would want to) so please don't be too upset if I don't update in a while. Though, Cece has threatened that I must post at least three new chapters by the end of June. O.O so, I either have to get to work or find a *very* good hiding place…I hear Vermont is nice…

Jaa ne!

--Youjibaracuda

"You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill  you."

"You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die."

--TPB