© April 2003

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Esca. Life is *so* unfair. But…somehow…it figures.

All I Need

By Youjibaracuda

~*~Seventeen~*~

Silence.

She stared at her hands, not wanting to look at him when he gave a response to the tale she had just finished telling.

Van sighed and ran a hand through his raven locks.

"So…Dryden's known about you since the beginning. I never understood why he looked so sad when he got to Fanelia," Van mused quietly "So the life you decided to lead was one that was completely different from something Hitomi would have done."

"I didn't become a bad person, Van," she responded a bit defensively. She couldn't help but feel that he was accusing her something bad.

"But it still doesn't explain it to me," Van continued, "Why, if you were so convinced that you could never be Hitomi anymore, did you continue our communication? Why did you lead me on like that?"

"I didn't mean to! I…I couldn't do it," she told him, "I know it was selfishly cruel to continue making you think that I was on the Mystic Moon and that I was still who you believed me to be. And I know that you found solace in our interactions. I needed you as much as you needed me."

"But you could have told me!" Van exclaimed, exasperatedly standing up.

"And what would that have accomplished, Van?!" Hitomi also stood, facing him angrily. "Nothing! Nothing but make things worse!"

"Things were that bad?" Van asked.

"Yes, they were and it was your fault!"

"Then why didn't you just go back?!"

"I tried! Anything would have been better than being stuck in this hell hole!"

"Then why are you still here?!"

"It's because of you that I couldn't leave!"

Van paused for a moment, his jaw firmly set, trying desperately hard not to let his emotions get the better of him. He had already lost his temper, he was not about to lose his pride by crying.

Just then there was a knock at the door, followed by its opening and Ero standing in the door frame. He looked into the room, finding the occupants of the room glaring at each other.

"I was just coming to tell you that we're just about to dock in Asturia," he said tentatively, not wanting to say anything that would make an obviously bad situation worse.

Irishiko sighed and looked down at her feet. "You just don't get it," she said quietly, and made her way past Ero and out the door.

It took a moment for Van to react to her sudden departure and already more than a little irritated by the way she seemed to have the habit of leaving the room in the middle of a conflict, he followed her.

Ero, for a reason still unknown to even himself, took off after Van, following him to Irishiko's room where she was hastily putting her things away in a small satchel.

"We're not done," Van said roughly, walking right up to her, forcing her to look at him.

"What else do you want me to say, Van?" she asked, "That everything will be alright, that everything is for the best?" Tears were welling up in her eyes.

At the sight of this Van's heart softened, and her reached up to cup her face in his hands. "All I want is to understand," he said to her gently.

A single tear slipped from beneath her lashes as she removed herself from his grasp. "You can't, Van. You just can't," said, turning away from him.

Van reached out and grabbed her elbow, turning her back towards him. "Of course I can't if you won't tell me!" he said, his frustration getting the better of him. "Listen to your heart. Can't you see that there are those here that love you?"

"I don't want that!" she cried, yanking away from his hold.

"You don't get it! I've stopped listening to my heart a long time ago," she continued, "It's brought me nothing but suffering!"

"That's not possible," Ero spoke up from behind them, alerting them to his continuing presence in the room, "Not when you do what's right for it."

"Oh yeah," she said, turning to him, "You always try to do what's right for your heart, but when does your heart ever do what's right for you?! It's been my experience that the heart is the most treacherous thing of all!"

Her green eyes bore through Ero, the years of pain within them so intense that he could feel it in his chest.

She shifted her gaze back to Van.

His heart constricted in agony as he saw the suffering disguised as anger held in her eyes. He couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible for her pain.

"Every man who has ever claimed to love me, gets taken away from me," she continued in a low voice, "My father was taken by another woman. My brother is a world away from me. Amano was taken by Yukari. Allen stepped down from pursuing me."

She shifted her gaze to the ground. "My husband was taken by a madman. And my……my true love," she raised her eyes to meet Van's, "He was taken by his crown."

Van clenched his jaw, struggling to push down the lump that had once again formed in his throat.

"So you see," she continued in a raspy voice, "I am in no hurry to follow my heart again. I don't want to be loved. I just want to do the best that I can to alleviate other's suffering."

She lifted her chin resolutely in the air and met each man's eyes. "So please let me continue to do that…and leave me alone."

She picked up her satchel and silently made her way towards the upper decks.

~*~

Irishiko looked over to Lancen who was standing beside her as the crew men were unloading the ship's cargo. It was the perfect opportunity for them to disembark without calling attention to themselves, since the sun would not set for another couple of hours. She had already sent Ivan and Pye ahead of them to secure their horses. Ero and Van had gone out a short while ago, and she was just waiting for the right opportunity for Lancen and herself to disembark.

"Have I mentioned how grateful I am to you?" the inventor told Irishiko.

She smiled lightly and turned to look at him through her mask. "You have, Lancen…about thirty times since yesterday."

"Well, I'm trying to express what I feel," he said sheepishly.

She chuckled lightly. "I understand, but it really isn't necessary."

Just then her opportunity came and she grabbed the man's wrist, having him walk hurriedly behind her as they walked beside a large cart that was covered by a dark red tarp. Once it was unloaded, it made its way towards the center of the town, while Irishiko and Lancen disappeared into the nearby forest.

"Boss! There you are!" Pye smiled over at her as she approached them. "Thought for a second that you were flaking out on us."

She shook her head as she made her way over to where they had the horses prepared.

"Ero," she said to him in a dull voice, "You'll ride with Lancen ahead of us. Van will ride with Pye and Ivan and I will bring up the rear in a little bit. I still have one more thing to do."

Ero frowned. She was deliberately avoiding both him and Van. Though he couldn't say that he blamed her. With a small sigh, he mounted his steed, offering his hand to help Lancen up behind him as Pye mounted another horse.
"Where are you going?" Van suddenly spoke up, directing his gaze towards Irishiko.

She stiffened. "I have to make sure that we were not seen by anyone or that there exists the possibility of anyone from Ezgardia to be after us for what we've done. Now go and I don't expect any arguments."

With that she turned on her heel and walked back towards the docks.

Van opened up his mouth to protest, but Ivan stopped him, saying, "Now isn't the time for this, Van. You have to get going. Trust her, she knows what she's doing."

"We have to go now, time is running out, Van," Ero called to him from a top his horse.

Van clenched his fists, but silently mounted behind Pye. He knew they were right, but he didn't like the way she was acting; but there was nothing he could do about it at present. They had a mission to accomplish afterall. After one last look over his shoulder, the four of them rode of in the direction of Fanelia.

~*~

Dryden opened the door to the study at the local inn, tossing a group of papers on the desk while his nose was buried in a book. He hadn't noticed he had a visitor.

"Ever heard of the expression 'knowledge is power'?"

Dryden nearly dropped his books as his eyes flew to the woman who was sitting in a chair in front of him, her arms crossed over her chest, feet propped up on the desk.

He was surprised to find Irishiko there, but he played it off very well as he allowed his characteristic smile play on his lips.

"I must say that it's a new one," he answered her question as he closed him book and half sat on the desk. "Why do you ask?"

"I was just thinking that the phrase is true only from the perspective of the one receiving the knowledge. When you give knowledge, you lose power," she said in a slightly bitter tone.

Dryden looked at for a moment, all the amusement gone from his features when he heard tone of voice.

"You told him." It wasn't a question.

She sighed deeply and closed her eyes. "More or less."

"Which one is it?" Dryden asked.

She looked up at his sharply and raised an eyebrow at him. There was a moment of silence before she turned her head to look to the bookcase to her right. "Less."

Dryden nodded and said nothing to reproach her, even though he had always felt that Van should know the whole truth from the very beginning. There had been many times where he had been sorely tempted to inform the young monarch of everything, but he couldn't betray the confidence Hitomi and later Irishiko had in him. It wasn't his place to say anything. His heart went out to this girl who had suffered so much in her young life. He respected her and even admired the amazing grace with which she took all the bad hands life had dealt her. From the beginning, he had been willing to do whatever she asked of him. The only thing she'd ever asked him to promise was to not reveal to anyone her true identity. He meant to keep that promise.

"I see," he said simply. After another moment, he spoke again. "Do you plan to tell him the rest of it?"

"Yes," she said quietly, her chin resting on her hand, "He'd never forgive me if I didn't. But now isn't the time."

"It's up to you," Dryden told her, crossing his arms over his chest, "But could I give you some friendly advice?"

"Can I stop you?" she asked with a small smile.

Dryden remained completely serious. "I suggest that you don't wait too long to tell him all of it. As much as I know Van cares about you, he still has his pride."

"I know," she said almost inaudibly. The truth was that she was scared to death about what the rest of the truth would mean to Van. Sure, she had told him that she had married, but she had never explained that the feelings she had had for her husband haunted her still or that her husband had given her a son whom she had loved more than life itself. Van didn't know what she had nearly done after the death of her family, nor why she had chosen to continue living. There was so much that she had kept from him even after all those conversations, after all those meetings where he would often bear his soul to her. She was terrified of what Van would think of her now.

Dryden had always been there for her, giving her needed support in whatever she was doing in her life. He was the only person whom she had been completely honest with in a long time and because of that she cared for him deeply. He was the older brother she had never had, the sorely needed friend that kept her sane. She knew that she could count on him for help and support. That was the real reason she was there now, wanting for him to calm her fears and to lift her spirits so that she could face the situation she found herself in.

Dryden moved to where she was and pulled her up into a hug. He felt her shaking as he held her and he lightly kissed her forehead as if she was his little sister.

"Hey, don't be scared," he said soothingly, "You and Van will get through this. I know you will. He loves you more than you know."

She chuckled bitterly. "I'm not so sure about that anymore."

Dryden looked down at her. "No one that knows Van like I do could doubt that he's in love with you."

Her green eyes looked into his brown ones skeptically. "A man in love would have done everything within his power to make sure he could be with the one he loved."

"A man in love, yes. But the one who loves you is a king," Dryden said matter-of-factly. "And as much in love as he is, the love of one person could not make him forget the love he feels for a country and its people."

She broke from his gaze as his words sunk in. She knew all too well how much Van's people meant to him and how much he wanted to be a good king in these difficult times. Making selfish decisions were unlike him. In her heart, she knew that Van couldn't have done anymore than he had to ensure his happiness…even if that meant giving up a life with her.

Dryden saw her worried face and tried to reassure her. "Don't worry too much, Iri," he laughed, "If Millerna and I can make it, anyone can!"

She nodded and pulled away from him, pushing back tears and smiling a little at Dryden's attempt at humor. "How is Mill? Have you heard from her?"

"I have. She's fine. She just writes to tell me of how busy she's been going back and forth doing insignificant things," Dryden informed her.

"So, reading between the lines…" she prompted.

"She's bored out of her mind," Dryden chuckled.

"She just misses her husband, that's all," Irishiko said adjusting her cloak back onto her shoulders and putting on her mask. "I know I did when Mohku would…" she trailed off as she realized what she had said.

Dryden also caught the sad turn of her sentence. "I know," he told her. Then he flashed her a smile, "I'm glad you came back safely."

"Thank you for all your help," she told him, recovering from earlier.

"Don't be ridiculous, Iri. I don't want your gratitude. You know I expect to be paid back in full," he responded in his usual playful manner.

"Always the businessman I see," she retorted with a shake of her head but a small smile on her lips.

"Get out of here already," he told her, waving her off, "I know you're in a hurry."

She smiled at him once more before going to the door and leaving.

~*~

TBC…

Baracuda here. Okay, that's another successful chapter completed. I'm beginning to become seriously embarrassed at the rate of production of this story. It's really sad, actually. But I'm doing the best that I can, considering my circumstances…there's a million things I should be doing but I'm not doing them. Like writing my dialogue for Japanese…I apologize to Maire-senpai. Gomen nasai.

To minna-san: thanks for the reviews! I'm feeling the love! ^_~

--Youjibaracuda

"Look are you just fooling around with me or what?"

"I just want you to feel like you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed."

---The Princess Bride