ACME May Face Class-Action Suit
Anthropomorphic predators blame shoddy workmanship for on-the-job injuries.
NEW MEXICO: On January 8th, Wile E. Coyote checked into a state-run animal hospital, where he was treated for massive internal injuries and malnutrition. He blames both problems on the ACME corporation.
"Though I am a truly gifted genius, I cannot be expected to compensate for the utter stupidity of others," laments Coyote, who recovered almost instantaneously from injuries sustained after he sequentially sped through a rock formation, fell several thousand feet, and was crushed by a falling boulder. The accident occured as Coyote attempted to catch an unidentified supersonic vehicle (which he refers to as "the road runner"), with the assistance of a pair of ACME Rocket-Powered Skates.
"As manufacturers of rocket-powered skates, they [the ACME corporation] had to have known that geniuses such as myself would attempt to use said skates in the pursuit of roadrunners," argues Coyote, "yet, the packaging for the skates was entirely devoid of warning labels, and the documentation failed to mention anything about the inability to turn or the tendency of the rockets to fail when the wearer is suspended in mid-air."
Other talking carnivores with opposable thumbs have made similar claims. Sylvester the cat, who came to the public's attention after a recent article detailed his involvement in an anvil-related accident, relates an incident involving more than five dozen ACME Quick-Spring Mousetraps. "I am not a mouth," Sylvester declares, his speech severely slurred due to lip and tongue injuries which he blames on the mousetraps, "tho, why ith it that thicthty-theven mouthtrapth, which failed to thpring when upthet by a mouth, all latched onto me?"
Sylvester and Coyote recently met with other victims of ACME product-related injuries to discuss the possibility of a class action suit. "We're not, I say, we're not askin' for much, ya see," states Foghorn Leghorn, who had to have his beak and wattle reattached after an ACME Exploding Dog Bone went off prematurely. "We just want compensation, uh, our due recompence, that is."
ACME, Inc., has declined all requests for an interview, however, in an open letter to all interested journalists, company chairman M. Blanc "claims no responsibility for injuries resulting from the misuse of our [ACME's] products. We have made every effort to help consumers make an informed choice."
Legal experts are divided in their opinions on the possible outcome of the suit. While some insist that the weight of the prosecution's arguments cannot help but win the case, others, including staff attorney Dewey Chitomand Howe, argue that ACME's high-powered legal team will win the day. "The company has managed to stay out of the headlines by settling out-of-court on a number of claims. Unless the litigants are committed to playing hardball, this case will be no different."
Whatever the outcome, this journal will continue to provide details on the case as they become available.