Conversations and Observations Chapter One Part 4 – And Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep…
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Author's Notes:
Hello all. PitViper here. I've been busy in the various forums, getting to know the rest of the Eva Community. For everyone on FFN who's here to write – and to have their work accepted, I suggest becoming involved in these forums. It's a place to meet people and learn what is accepted and what isn't accepted in the Eva community.
When I posted Conversations and Observations – I did so without prior interaction with the community. I took a big risk, praying that my work would be accepted by the whole. The only thing that saved my skin was having sat and read many of what were considered to be "Good" fan fictions in the Eva realm. I also spent a great deal of time watching the forums – especially the ones on Dark Scribes (www.darkscribes.org) – to find out what they thought of various fics – what was acceptable to them and what wasn't.
I immediately discarded two of my fics as potential post material because they were – in essence – SI. At the time I felt that these works were acceptable, I ended up realizing that the reason they were acceptable to me was because I wrote them. Had I posted them, I would be on the Fanfiction Yakuza's (FY) hit list right now.
So why am I saying this? Everyone who reads these stories on FanFiction.net is a potential writer. You may have ideas for stories that you think are awesome. They may be awesome. But trust me; seek the advice of others who are active in the Eva forums. Even if you don't actively join, I recommend at least reading the threads – because most often you'll be able to look back at your fic and say, 'My god, they'll tear this thing apart…' The last thing an aspiring writer needs to have is his/her ego burnt to a crisp because they foolishly posted a fic that doesn't settle well with the rest of the community.
These are two of sites that contain the forums I know about: www.evangelion.com, www.darkscribes.org. Go to these websites and read whats there. Both have Eva forums and Evangelion.com has significant numbers of people to help you if you really want it. Remember, its all about improving the quality of the Eva FanFics and helping to give further life to a universe we all enjoy.
Now about Conversations and Observations: I've reached the point where I am no longer revising material that I had previously created. The result – I am now running off of notes – partially completed chapters and paragraps – and my backgrounds. What does that mean for everyone reading this? It might take me a little longer than a week to get a section out. But I promise that I'll keep it going as well as can be expected.
Here's Chapter One Part Four.
Enjoy – and remember, please review.
PitViper
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Tuesday Night…
"Asuka Langley Sohryu... is this what you want?" She asked herself a third time, standing outside Rei's door. 'You want this, but you will be with her as well!' "What would Kaji say?" Asuka asked herself, her face and body turned away from the door.
"Do you really want that answer?" Shinji asked softly, after having silently opened the door.
"Sheist!" Asuka jumped while saying the word. "Baka Shinji! I should have known you were listening to my thoughts."
"It is not so difficult, Sohryu-san, when you give voice to them." Rei said softly from Shinji's side.
"Please, someone, anyone? Tell me why I agreed to this?" Shinji asked the ceiling, his thoughts directing the secret prayer to the heavens.
"Because we need trust, Shinji-kun," Rei answered the rhetorical question. "Trust between the three of us. Without it, our task is insurmountable."
"What's the big hurry anyway?" Asuka asked, looking at Rei.
"Tomorrow will see the activation test of Unit 04 - which will result in the destruction of the Second Branch in its entirety." Rei said softly, then thought - 'Perhaps not forever, though. They will survive within the Dirac Sea for a short period. If we accomplish our goal, then the loss of life will not be permanent.'
"What!" Asuka practically shouted.
"Tomorrow will see the destruction of NERV 02. Seven days from today will see the arrival of Bardiel, the thirteenth Angel. It will possess Eva 03." Rei saw the 'I don't give a damn about that' expression on Asuka's face, and decided to let more information slip, "Commander Ikari will choose the fourth child from the pilot reserves. The thirteenth will invade Unit 03 after a pilot has been inserted. Our classmates are the "Pilot Reserves". Eva 03's pilot will be taken from our class. But I do not know who it will be. I may discover the identity after tomorrow's accident."
"But... if you are sure, Ayanami?" Shinji started.
Asuka chimed in, "If we know, we can stop them from using the Unit! And warn them about Unit 04!"
"We can do neither. We would be killed instantly by Commander Ikari." Rei said almost sadly. "He has orchestrated this entire scenario to his desires. We are, for now, nothing but pawns in his game."
Shinji smiled, "But we continue to advance across the board."
"So that when we reach the other side, we can become Queens. Three Queens against his black force. That is our goal - the power of god wielded against the forces of darkness by three worthy to possess it." Rei said, looking at Asuka.
"But.... An entire base..." Asuka whispered.
"There is time after the deed is done to deter the outcome. They will not die within the Dirac Sea, Asuka-san. If we gather our powers before next Tuesday, the prophesy will be prevented. And if we are very fortunate, no more Angels will fall by our hands..."
Asuka nodded - her eyes bleary with the day's efforts. She stifled a yawn.
"Come in." Rei offered. Shinji began to blush, but it was Rei's room after all.
Asuka moved forward, not really thinking about what it was she was doing at this moment. She took a few steps in before remembering, "Are you sure?"
Rei simply smiled softly. Shinji tensed.
"I mean..." Asuka started.
"It is permitted. Tonight." Rei said, her tone soft - but not allowing argument.
Shinji, for his part, simply said a prayer before looking back at Asuka.
"And this Baka Hentai is just going to be in here, sleeping with us?" Asuka's voice was soft, the words spoken more endearingly than out of malice.
"He will simply sleep. No more." Rei assured.
Asuka narrowed her eyes at him, "You better not lust over by perfect, beautiful body, Baka."
"He has never lusted over mine." Rei said with assurance.
"He's seen it?" Asuka gasped. "Seen you naked?"
Rei smiled lightly again. "Of course."
"That's sinful!" Asuka moaned.
"The sin was not mine." Rei assured.
"Of course it wasn't yours, you little doll! He's the one that has looked at you!"
Shinji simply backed up to the bed, and collapsed down on it.
"Perhaps I should let him see mine, So that we're even, Wondergirl." Asuka rationalized, not noticing the nosebleed that Shinji was about to develop.
Rei quirked an eyebrow, "Then the sin would be yours."
Asuka glanced at her, "Why?"
"That would be seduction. Our encounter was an accident." Unbeknownst to Rei – mentioning that particular incident had indeed started the flow of blood.
"On your part perhaps." Asuka snorted.
"On both. There is nothing wrong with displaying God's Temple." Rei said, with a touch of haughtiness. Then she qualified her statement, "Only so long as its display is natural in your own eyes. I like being nude. It is my preference. If others cannot handle it, or lust over my body. Then the sin is theirs."
"You're a nudist!" Asuka accused.
"Perhaps I am. But I wear clothes to appease your sense of morality. It is a discomfort for me, but I do it anyways. The lack of clothes is simply a choice because my skin irritates easily. Have you not noticed the increasing irritation your skin suffers? It is the LCL. It sensitizes your skin, amplifying the sense of touch - and therefore the sense of irritation. I was born in LCL; therefore I suffer from it far worse than you do."
"LCL has been causing this!" She suddenly scratched her arm. "Mein Gott in Himmel! That's why the past year my clothes have been getting worse..."
"No, Asuka. That's from the NERV cleaners." Shinji notified the group.
"Our skin may be getting more sensitive, but I itch too every time I put on a cloth touched by them. I think father personally created their cleaning solution to irritate me."
Rei blinked several times. "I... see. That explains his... smile... whenever he hears about the cleaners."
Shinji and Asuka both blinked at this.
Shinji was the first to recover, "I...I WAS JUST KIDDING!"
"It may be truth, Shinji-kun. Your father does many things to... amuse himself. I have never understood most of it. For example, shortly before you came here to Tokyo-3, he had me put on blue contacts and a brown wig." Rei confided.
The picture snapped into Shinji's brain instantly. "Mother?!?"
Rei's eyes widened. "It may be." She announced softly.
"He made you dress like... mother!"
Rei turned away. "I was not... dressed." Rei whispered.
Shinji's eyes became wide as saucers.
"He... never touched me. Just looked." Rei attempted to explain the situation. She had seen Shinji's anger before – and felt the threads of its existence, but never had she so felt it radiating from his being as it was now. 'His anger is formidable.'
"He's a dead man." Shinji whispered.
Asuka looked at the fire filling Shinji's eyes, and watched as his fist clasped open and closed several times, before finally settling on a closed position.
"I'll kill him." The whisper was soft.
"I'LL KILL HIM." Shinji said at a normal volume level.
Rei looked at Shinji sadly, "And take away the chance that he might change?"
"Do you... understand what that perverted idiot did to you Rei?" Asuka asked at a whisper. "He used you - your body - to lust over as though you were his wife!"
"I'll kill him." Shinji said again at a whisper.
Rei blinked several times, finally understanding the depth of the perversion which she was used for. "I... do now."
Asuka watched as a single tear rolled from Ayanami's eye. Had the First Child erupted into tears, let loose with sobs and curses, it would not have been as powerful as that single tear. That lone tear was a sign that Ayanami Rei was so deeply disturbed, that she had locked down her emotions. A barrier that would normally let nothing slide past, not even a whimper – was broken by this lone tear.
No more tears would fall from Rei's eyes, Asuka realized. Had the Second Children not seen that lone tear, she would have erupted into a tirade of just how wrong what happened to her actually was. But she had seen, and Asuka knew that the horrid truth of that moment was now ingrained in the pure First Children's memory – an innocence lost forever.
"Father," Rei whispered, the tear that was there had made its way down her cheek, "I...feel...dirty." The lone tear fell to the ground, lost in the plush carpeting of the room.
"I'll kill him," Shinji whispered finally, at the same moment the tear struck the floor.
"This won't be a good night." Asuka said softly. "I'll leave."
"No." Rei said quietly.
"Please stay, Asuka." Shinji asked her.
"People usually want to be alone..." Asuka started, when she was interrupted by Rei.
"I do not wish to be alone." Rei said softly. "I wish to... cleanse myself... my spirit has been sullied."
"Rei..." Asuka started, but was again interrupted.
"You are a friend, Asuka. Rei considers you a friend, even if you cannot return it. Right now we need friends." Shinji looked into Asuka's eyes, "If you have any love for us, then stay. I think you could use the company as well..."
'Would I want to be alone?' Asuka asked her self. The answer was self evident, 'I have pushed and pushed and pushed everything that could hurt me away – but what have I done? I've only hurt myself…' Asuka nodded in response to Shinji's assertion. "I need it, too."
"Then tonight, we learn to trust again." Rei said, wiping the tear streak from her face. 'Must not cry – the tears must not streak my face…' "We learn to trust each other."
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Later that evening…
"Nein… Ich bin kalt." Asuka mumbled, lying on the now coverless bed. Somehow the sheets had come off the bed earlier, and the apartment temperature had dropped drastically. Suddenly, the temperature rose next to Asuka, as her body came into contact with another, "Viel besser…"
Moments after Rei's body came in contact with Asuka's, something strange occurred. For the first time in her life, Rei Ayanami had a dream. But it was not a dream of anything she'd ever experienced before…
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"Mama! Mama! Look at me Mama!" A young girl shouted out from the distance. "Look at me!!! I'm the best, I'm going to be a pilot Mama – I'm going to make you proud of me Mama… Look at me!!!" The small child was running towards a door.
Rei puzzled over this scene for a moment. Why was the girl, who was obviously Asuka, running to a door in the middle of nowhere? There was only a door and the ghostly afterimage of the walls surrounding it. But only that door was solid.
"Mama!!! Mama!!!" The girl shouted again.
"Nein. Öffnen Sie nicht diese tür!" A voice shouted from beside Rei. Rei looked across to encounter an image of Asuka aged 14.
'What is it with this door that means so much to Asuka?' Rei asked herself. She moved her perspective to see what the child saw.
The younger Asuka reached out for the door, "Mama, look at me! Mama!!!"
"NEIN!!!" The older Asuka shouted, but it was pointless. The child touched the handle, and the door flew open of its own accord revealing the scene to both the child and to Rei.
"Mama?" The child asked, looking upwards at the small room.
Rei blinked, a tear falling down her dream-self's face. "I understand you now, Asuka." Rei said. With that, Ayanami Rei raised the level of her AT Field, and pushed the offending image from both their consciousnesses.
Asuka, the younger Asuka, and that horrible image of the elder Sohryu were gone. Left in their wake was the dreamless void that Ayanami experienced when she slept.
But she still felt Asuka's presence, although it was fading away. "Sleep well, Asuka." She whispered to the void, knowing that the Trinity would be possible now.
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Wednesday Morning
At five AM an unusual event occurred in Rei's room: an alarm went off. The alarm snapped Asuka out of her dream state, and to full consciousness. Her hand, however, ran from the subconscious drive to silence the offending sound. Fortunately for the clock, her hand slammed right on the stopper – silencing it. The first thing that Asuka became aware of was that she had no sheets covering her. That was fine, because she was still warm. Another heartbeat pulsed against the Second Child's back; she felt this pulse as it moved slowly and rhythmically. But something was wrong with the body – it wasn't who she expected it to be. Unless Shinji had somehow grown… "Mein Gott!" Asuka screamed, finally waking up the First Child.
Ayanami Rei bolted upright, suddenly aware of her surroundings… sort of. "What?"
"You were hugging me!!!" Asuka screamed.
The First Child gave her a bleary-eyed, apathetic look, "So?"
"What do you mean, 'So'?" Asuka muttered.
"Do you wish that it was Ikari-kun embracing you?" Ayanami asked, her mind slowly returning to a coherent state. 'Shinji-kun', Rei chided herself, 'not Ikari-kun.'
"You… why were you hugging me?" Asuka demanded. A shuffle was heard from the floor, along with a soft sigh.
"Sleep…" The voice muttered.
Both girls blinked for a moment, before looking over at the front of the bed. Shinji was curled up in a ball, completely entangled in the blankets.
"I think it's obvious why I embraced you, Sohryu-san," Rei said. "He took the covers with him to the floor. I was cold."
"But why… did he?" Asuka wondered aloud.
"He was probably too warm being between the both of us." Ayanami concluded. "He must have moved in his sleep, taking the covers with him."
"Baka…" Asuka muttered again.
"Was it unpleasant, Sohryu-san?" Rei asked, genuinely interested in the red-head's response.
"Nein." She said softly. "I guess I needed it."
Rei nodded once, "Do you trust us now? At least enough to let us commune?"
Sohryu shook her head. "I don't know."
"Then today we will try it together. Just us. Shinji will have to go to get ingredients for dinner, we shall attempt our communion then." Ayanami stated. "I will allow you to see within me, Asuka, so that you know that there is nothing to fear."
Asuka shook her head, "This from the girl who made me spend a week in hell?"
"You doubted my ability to do this. I needed you to believe that what I said was possible; otherwise we would never be able to trust each other. We must trust each other or we will be lost." Ayanami looked into Asuka's blue eyes. But this stare wasn't intimidating, it was almost, sad. "I do not wish to lose him, or you. Please, Asuka, trust us."
"I…" Asuka ran a million reasons as to why not through her head, and for the first time in her life, ignored the voice that screamed for her to push those around her away. She ignored it, and looked back into those liquid red eyes of Rei's, "I will."
The First Children breathed a sigh of relief.
"On one condition." Asuka stated.
Ayanami froze for a moment, but that moment quickly passed, "State it."
"That we do this… again… sometime."
Rei thought about it a moment, "That will require Shinji's agreement. But I would see no problems with it."
"Good." Asuka said. "Now, we have to get this baka up. I'm hungry…"
Rei looked at the peacefully sleeping form of Ikari Shinji. "It is not necessary, I shall prepare something." Rei stated, moving from the bed, leaving a bewildered Second Child in her wake.
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Author's Notes:
Short, I know. But I think this scene needed to be by itself. Once I unify the chapter, then it will make better sense, but I wanted to post this alone – because it's so important to the story.
Now, before you ask – Gendo did not have sex with Rei – any Rei – at any point. That's too sick for my tastes. So why did he do what he did? Because Gendo is obsessed with Yui. Rei is not Yui, but she has her physical attributes – and 14 years old is about when she would begin to manifest said attributes. He probably only did it once with the current Rei – but I'm pretty sure that every time he visits the cloning chamber, he tries to see how much Yui exists in the clones.
The dream sequence – Not much to say there. Ayanami hasn't solved Asuka's problems. She just pushed them out of the way – for tonight. Needless to say, though, that dream is the important factor in Asuka's recovery.
Also, there's importance in the fact that the fourteen year old Asuka was speaking German, and the child Asuka was in normal language. I'll leave it to the reader to figure out why.
Finally, Why have Asuka ask if they could do this again? Certainly Shinji may be a motivational factor – but think about it, for the first time in her life, something was able to keep that dream from invading her conscious mind and give her a respite from its eternal pain. Besides, the dreams are probably far worse when she is alone.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'll try to have the next one out sometime next week :)
Thanks, and please review,
PitViper.
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Translations: (I think, "my German's so rusty I could be quoting dimensions for Playmate of the month" – paraphrased from The Hunt for Red October)
"Ich bin kalt." – I am cold.
"Viel besser" – Much better.
"Nein. Öffnen Sie nicht diese tür!" – No, Don't open this door.
Update - 08/25/2002 - Modified german translation from "Ich bin" to "Mir ist" - Steve VADER and Belfert caught this. Thanks guys for pointing that out.
As for the "Sie"... yes, I think that Asuka would be formal - she's begging herself not to open the door.
Moments later PitViper realizes he was right in the first place. Mir ist (it is) Ich bin (I am). I've gone back to the original translation, sorry guys. Thanks Steve Vader for letting me know that.