Conversations and Observations Chapter One Part 5: The Landscape of the Mind
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Author's Notes:
My sincerest apologies for the delay in this work. My place of employment has kept me quite busy with matters of idiocy. If only they knew exactly what talent that they had hidden in this person they currently have manning a helpdesk phone… But alas – I don't mind. I still have a job, which is more than many who hold technology degrees can say.
In this chapter of Conversations and Observations – we will… oh well, why spoil the surprises. I hope that the storytelling is par for the fic – and that everyone enjoys this episode.
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Wednesday Afternoon
What was hell like? Was it a demented landscape filled with demons and implements of torture, a sort of Dali-esque dimension where people were constantly shifted according to some demonic whim? For Ayanami Rei, hell was none of these existences. Hell was loneliness, isolation from all whom would give her warmth and comfort. Hell was a mind that had torn from it all that it held dear, a mind that could no longer remember the crimes for which it was being punished. But no matter what form hell took for Rei, she knew that each soul experienced its own hell. Unfortunately for Rei, the hell that Asuka conjured up for herself was eerily similar to the hell she experienced for almost eleven million years.
Rei walked quietly in the shattered and twisted landscape that was the form and shape of Asuka's soul. The storm clouds above threatened to unleash a torrent of cold, hard rain upon her relatively exposed body. Rei disliked being here. Not for the weather, not for the fact that everything here seemed to hate her – but for the simple fact that invading the mind of another, encroaching upon the light of another soul, was gutrenchingly like a rape. It wasn't as if she hadn't tried other methods. Five times had Rei lowered her AT Field to the point where Asuka, or almost anyone for that matter, should have been able to enter freely. Five times Asuka had failed to even make the most miniscule mote of her presence perceptible to the sensitive First Child. Finally Rei had no alternative – she had to enter Asuka's mind.
When she had first entered the landscape of Asuka's mind, she noticed that she was in the middle of a hurricane. Asuka's mind was projecting hate, fear, loneliness, and sadness in every direction. The ground she tread upon was as broken glass, the rocks sharp and jagged. Although her AT Field protected her, Rei was assaulted by the mental environment. Even the air itself was oppressive, conveying the message: "You are not wanted here."
So, summoning her powers, Rei used her AT Field to cast away the storms and alter the landscape. It worked - sort of. The landscape was no longer as jagged as broken glass – but it was still broken and lifeless. The dull grey stone reflected the lightning bolts clapping in the distance. While the storm winds and hard rain had died, the dark grey storm clouds that threatened to unleash their fury at any moment still hovered above. "Asuka, what has happened to you for the Light of your soul to be reduced to this… barren existence?" Rei whispered mentally, not really expecting a response from the Second Child. Of course, Rei knew part of the problem. But there had to be more, buried deep within her psyche. Something so terrible that he second child would rather face the image of her hanged mother than the memory of the event that disrupted her soul.
What should have been a simple mental exercise for one of the Children was an arduous task – but Rei rarely ever relented in a fight. So despite the hostile environment, Ayanami Rei did the only thing she could. She sat down to wait for the Second Child to come from behind the wall of her mind – such as it was.
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Ikari Shinji stared blankly at a long sheet of paper that sat in his hands. He was holding the sheet delicately, trying to make sense of the words on its surface. After a few moments, Shinji decided to try turning the sheet sideways, in an attempt to decipher the enigmatic writing. He scratched his head, looking at a particular Kanji character.
Ayanami wanted something special for dinner, a recipe she had tasted once while with the Commander. Shinji looked daunted by the prospect of preparing such a delicate dish, but was willing to try for Rei. What was so unusual about it was that she had specific locations from where to get the ingredients. She had thought of Asuka as well, giving him precise, even if sloppily written, directions to every location he would need to travel to pick up the required German and Vegetarian foods. But at this rate, he'd need help if he were to ever find half the places she set for him to shop at.
More importantly, the cost of ingredients was beginning to add up. Rei had included specific prices on the sheet, and most of the items did indeed fall into those categories. But a few rare spices managed to cost more than either he or Ayanami had anticipated. Still, though, this dinner would help both Rei and Asuka – he was sure of it. For that, there was no cost that the third child would be unwilling to pay.
Shinji proceeded to casually move down the street, eyes fixed upon the list that his beloved had given him. So enthralled by the paper was he, that he failed to notice just about everything going on about him - including a young boy, about the same age as he, standing directly in his path.
Shinji blinked as he toppled the kid. "Uh…I'm… I…" Shinji managed to stutter out.
The fourteen year old, now lying on his back, his school uniform dirtied and ruffled, chuckled. "Not a problem." He said cheerfully.
"I'm sorry… I…I didn't see you."
"When one walks, their mind should be on their path, not their destination." The boy said cryptically, still not having moved from his prone position.
Shinji looked back at the sheet of paper, before looking at the young kid in the process of sitting back up. He gasped as the boy's face came into view.
"After all, it's the journey that is important, not the destination – would you not say, Ikari Shinji?"
Shinji took a few steps back from the strange kid, absorbing his appearance as he moved. 'Red eyes, pale skin, grey hair. He reminds me of… Ayanami?' "H…How… how did you know m...my name?"
"Everyone has heard of the great Ikari Shinji, Third Child, and Pilot of Evangelion Unit 01." The boy got up, and bowed to his new acquaintance.
"Bu…But…" Shinji attempted to get his thoughts out. For some reason, being around this person was unnerving to the Third Child.
"Yes?" The boy asked, his eyes alight with some humor that seemed contained only within that particular mind.
"But… I don't even know your name." Shinji finally managed.
The boy sighed. "What is in a name – is it really what defines us?"
"Well… I guess not. B..But it makes it easier to identify people, and is better than saying 'Hey You' in a crowd." Shinji sarcastically bit back - then smiled slightly as though embarrassed by the outburst.
"Well met." The boy bowed again. "It is an honor to run into one of the great defenders. I had not anticipated such an occurrence." There was a hesitation in the boy's voice, as though he was genuinely surprised to run into Shinji. "But sooner or later, we would have met each other." When the boy rose from the bow, he greeted the Third Child with a broad smile. "I guess it is better that it is now – so that we may get to know each other before there is nothing but pain and death in our lives."
Shinji eyed him warily, "I still don't know who you are."
"Nagisa. Nagisa Karwou. You may call me Karwou, Ikari-san."
"S…Shinji." The Third Child forced out. "Shinji would be fine."
"It is settled then, Shinji-kun." At this Karwou smiled broadly. "Perhaps I can help you find what you're looking for."
Shinji looked at the paper, then back at the young boy before him, and then back at the paper. "Perhaps…"
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Rei had sat for a long time, waiting for the moment that Asuka would become curious enough to inspect the intruder in her mind. Patience was one of Ayanami's greatest gifts, for she had that particular trait in abundance.
Asuka, on the other hand, was the antithesis of that carefully cultivated patience. In fact, that it had taken the impulsive Second Child this long to identify and confront the intruder in her mind was a remarkable feat of patience – or perhaps a demonstration of a vast amount of fear.
"R…Rei?" The voice echoed around the First Child.
Rei smiled softly to herself, "In a manner of speaking." Inside, however, the First wondered exactly what had happened to Asuka to so corrupt her Light.
"But…"
"It was necessary. The directions I gave Shinji-kun will not occupy him forever. He will either find all the ingredients or give up trying to decipher my handwriting. Either way, our time together was running short."
"But you promised! You wouldn't invade my mind!" The voice cried.
"Have I invaded your mind? Asuka? Have I gone to see things that you do not wish to show me? Have I torn from your conscious thoughts those things you hold most sacred and dear? Let me assure you now, Sohryu Asuka Langley, such depravities are beyond my ken. I would sooner fall upon my own lance than commit such a vile atrocity."
"I… I'm sorry Rei."
As those words were spoken, an image of Asuka appeared before the First Child.
"I see." Rei took in the appearance of the young woman before her. The child appeared normal, but she was frightened, and her clothes in tatters. She was afraid. "Is this how you see yourself?"
Asuka nodded slightly. "I…I… I don't deserve better."
Rei stood, and walked calmly over to Asuka, "Of course you do. No one deserves this pain. Why do you carry it with you?"
Suddenly Asuka's features darkened, as hate twisted her face, "Why the hell do you care Wondergirl!"
Rei remained still. "Because Shinji cares for you. Therefore I care." 'She refuses to accept compassion from others…'
"You're still a fucking doll!" Asuka accused harshly.
"Perhaps you are correct." Rei looked at her feet. "Perhaps I am still nothing but a doll. But I am a doll that knows that it is alive, and that it has feelings. Would it help you to know that I understand?"
An image of a white creature nailed to a cross appeared in the background. "Behold my source. The beginning and ending of my soul. From there I came, and to there I shall eventually return. That existence, that loneliness is the pain I carry. But I do not deserve to carry it. No one deserves to carry it."
"I… I just wish I could see Mama…" Asuka said.
At this Rei's features softened further. "I know, Asuka. We all long to return to that which is our source, even though it is a painful journey. But your mother is not gone, Asuka. This you know. So, what is the real reason for your pain?"
Asuka looked up at Rei, but did not see Rei there, "Who are you?"
The blue haired, Red eyed girl that was standing before Asuka was quite similar to the Ayanami Rei that had been standing there moments ago. But her features were not Japanese, despite the unmistakable resemblance to the girl who was previously standing there. In fact, Asuka could not truly identify the background of this individual. Slowly, the being before Asuka began to glow as the creature on the cross disappeared.
"You see me as I once was. I… Remember nothing from the time before, but this is who I am. The sense of self exists even through the nightmares of millions of years alone. While the knowledge of my soul was erased, the Light always remembers its original shape." Rei delicately cupped Asuka's chin.
The woman had the appearance of a twenty-four or twenty-five year old. But Asuka knew that the actual age of this being was timeless. Long blue hair cascaded in waves down her shoulders, and her crimson eyes were warm and inviting. Her pale face was perfect, and unmarred by defect or deformity. She was a beautiful woman. "Lilith?"
The girl chuckled, "My children and your creative penchant for attaching names to things. Some called me Lilith, some call me Mother." The figure smiled, "But I have always been Ayanami. You may call me Rei."
Tendrils of AT Energy wrapped themselves around Asuka's form. Asuka leaned into the warm embrace. "This… This is who you truly are?"
"Not even the shell that contains me knows this form." Lilith confirmed. "Poor child, so sad."
"I…"
"Shush, little one. Take this time to heal. We may not be able to confront all your fears today, but let us become one so that we can understand the source of the problem." Lilith said enticingly. "Would you like to become one?"
Asuka shook her head, "No… Please, I'm not ready."
Lilith pulled back, her features becoming more like Rei's. "I see. If you are not ready, then let us be patient. We can afford to wait a little…"
Suddenly a loud scream filled the world that was Asuka's mind. Rei quickly grasped the energy that was Asuka's spirit, and curled her AT Field around them both protectively. "Asuka, be not afraid. I will protect you."
The piercing sound threatened to overwhelm the sensitive Second Child. "The screams!!! A thousand screaming souls!"
Lilith/Rei blinked at the apt identification of the source of the sound. "An AT Field has absorbed the Second Branch of NERV." Rei declared. 'I had not expected this so soon or to be this much agony!' Rei thought as Asuka seemed to curl herself into an even smaller ball.
"Make it stop! Make it Stop, Please, oh God!" Asuka whimpered. "The yelling… the minds pain…. Mother! Mother…."
Suddenly the scene around them changed. Rei, returned to her previous form, looked around the room and recognized it for what it was - A Prinbow box. An Evangelion holding cage. The viewpoint was from Asuka's mind. She was once here. In the distance she could see the head of Unit 02.
Suddenly the vantage point changed, and she could see the window. "There, there, little Asuka. Now you can see everything." A male voice said.
"Want Mama." The little girl demanded. "Why mama go?"
"She has to perform a test…"
A voice from the background asked in Japanese, "Damnit Sohryu, you know that she didn't want her to see this. What if we're wrong, and the copy fails to fool the Eva."
Sohryu switched to Japanese, a language the child Sohryu only had a cursory grasp of, but one Ayanami understood implicitly. "It will fail, you fool. I knew it from the start."
"You what?" The man asked, incredulously.
"Damnit, do you want to live to have grandchildren!" the male Sohryu hissed in Japanese. "Could you imagine the destructive capacity of the pilot of that Eva if she actually trusted it?"
"You fucking bastard, you mean to put her into that monster?"
"Psychology deems it appropriate – to mentally scar one child to ensure her future obedience." Sohryu clarified.
"Sohryu, I take back every good word I've ever said about you. You're a murderer and a monster." The man said, his features coming into the light. "I'll make sure that you're punished for this atrocity one day."
"Agent Kaji, you couldn't punish a fly at your rank. I am almost a member of the council."
"So do you plan on abandoning your daughter as Ikari abandoned his son?"
"She means nothing to me. Are you offering to take up the role?"
"You bastard." Kaji responded in a whisper. "I'll find a way to protect her. I swear it."
Suddenly lights turned red in the Prinbow Box. Asuka looked around at the techs rushing back and forth. "Papa!!! Papa!!!" The child shouted.
"One Hundred Ten Percent Sync!" A tech yelled.
Another tech turned and screamed, "B..But that's Impossible!"
The man who was Asuka's father noticed that the child was not looking at the Evangelion which was clutching its head in agony. He moved to her, and held her face against the window. "Look at that monster, little one. That monster is eating your mother…"
"No… Papa… Don't want to look!"
Another tech yelled, taking the place of the man who went to another terminal. "One Fifty!"
"It's eating her, Asuka. Look at it."
"No!"
"One Seventy!" The tech yelled over Asuka's scream.
"Look…" Asuka's father cruelly instructed his daughter, attempting to force her head towards the window.
Unnoticed by the Father, but observed by the child who was frantically trying to tear her gaze from the window, Agent Kaji Ryouji slipped to a terminal that was flashing an ominous red. He looked at the red light blinking on the screen, and typed a few commands.
Rei watched through Asuka's tear-filled eyes as Kanji came up on the terminal. The message was unmistakable. "Dummy System Buffer deactivated automatically, code Akagi 666."
Rei felt a tear fall from her eyes. "Asuka…" She knew that the conscious Asuka would not remember this experience – that she was seeing this meant that Asuka's mind had slipped into unconsciousness – a dangerous state for one caught in a telepathic link.
"One hundred Ninety Percent Sync – Ego border lost!" A tech screamed.
Kaji swore in Japanese, "Damn that mother of yours, Ritsu." He quickly typed a series of commands into the terminal. The screen flashed green. "Dummy System Buffer reactivated."
"Two hundred!!! It's stopped, dropping down now!"
Suddenly the gargantuan mecha stopped flailing in its cage. The elder Sohryu twisted around to look at a terminal that was now vacant. "Damn you, Kaji…"
"Mama?" The girl's voice asked as she stared at the giant mecha sitting calmly in the destroyed bay…
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"So Karwou, how did you come to be in Tokyo-3?" Shinji asked, walking along peacefully with the strange grey-haired boy.
"I've always been here." Nagisa said enigmatically. "And you?" Karwou asked, a mischievous smirk on his face.
"Um… Its… what the hell, you already know." Shinji managed to sputter out.
Karwou chuckled, "Indeed. I've noticed that Tokyo-3 gathers Children like us, yes Shinji-kun?"
"If you mean strange and abnormal, yes. I've noticed that."
"That is not what I mean, but I guess that is true as well." Karwou chuckled a little more.
Shinji shifted the bag he was carrying, looking at his new friend. "So, where do you live?"
"Um… Around. I like the water a lot. You can usually find me by a beach. I think I've earned the nickname 'Karwou of the Seashore.' Has a nice ring, do you not think?"
Shinji looked surprised, "Certainly you don't live on a beach?"
"I most certainly do. But if you ask where I sleep, then that's a more difficult matter to handle."
"Why?"
"I am not permitted to tell you."
"But…" Shinji suddenly clutched his stomach in pain. The bag that he was carrying toppled unceremoniously from his grasp, the ingredients staying within the bag by some fortunate happenstance. Shinji looked up, "Hurts…"
Karwou masked his expression, but knew what the Third Child was sensing. "I… think we should go to Headquarters."
The term used flew right over Shinji's pain muddled mind. He looked up at the grey-haired boy. "Wh..what?"
"This wasn't supposed to happen yet. Damn those impatient Americans." Karwou said with disgust. "Come. No telling what else might happen…"
Shinji shook off his hand. "No! Rei… Rei's hurt."
Karwou blinked. Of course he knew who and what the First Child was, but he hadn't expected the Third to be so… attached to her. "Shinji-kun…" He sighed. 'Perform my duty, or help the Third?' Karwou smiled, "Then tis best we get to her quickly." Karwou said, smiling slightly. 'Time for duty later.' With that, Karwou picked up the bag, and helped Shinji to his feet.
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Author's Notes:
Hey. Sorry about the short chapters. I'm just trying to put out quality, not quantity. I didn't like the storyline as it turned out after this point, so I am going to revise it and attach it to the next segment. I hope that this segment meets with your approval.
I figured since things were changing, I had to include a big surprise in this chapter. We never get to see much of Karwou in the original story. I hope it doesn't seem too awkward to have him here, but I think I can make it work. I won't go into why he's here at this moment, but I will say this – changes like Ayanami's place of residence don't go unnoticed. Especially by powerful organizations like SEELE.
Oh well. I thank you for reading my story, and welcome any comments or feedback you wish to provide.
Later,
P.V.