Conversations and Observations Chapter One Part 10 – To Thy Own Self Be True
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Friday Morning.
One must wonder, at times, what the hazy mists of morning must look like right after a particularly vivid dream. Then again, one must wonder – at times – whether or not reality is simply the minds reflection of a particularly powerful dream. Of course, if it is, then what would be the use of waking up from it?
Still, despite all things, we strive to wake up from our dreams… and eventually we let even the most enjoyable of them fade into that forgetful mist known as reality… wondering if the dream or the dreamer is the one setting the pace and the tone for the story called life.
If we are in a dream of reality, then we are prisoners to it. We cannot see our prison, we cannot touch it or taste it or quantify it. The only time we are made aware that we were actually prisoners in our own minds, is when we finally, inexorably, wake up. Such as it was for Doctor Ritsuko Akagi as the tank and the Magi released their grip on her body and her mind, respectfully.
Doctor Akagi's form spewed out the last of the LCL… "Dam…Damn you." She finally managed under her heaves and aborted deep breaths. He was there. He had to be there. He would always be there. To gloat… to love… to hate… So many things within him, conflicting against each other. Yet, there was no room for her in the heart that belonged to Gendo Ikari. He was a shadow, inching around her, suffocating and binding… Her hazy vision tried to lock onto the shadow that was creeping around in the unlit portion of the lab, but she failed miserably in locating her tormentor.
She placed her left hand to her chest, and felt the slimy residue of the LCL on her skin. A soft breeze from the air conditioning system reminded her of her current state of undress.
"So, still defiant, I see. Maybe I had hoped your mother would trade places with you." The commander's voice boomed from the surrounding darkness. "It is not of importance. You have accomplished your task."
"Fuck you." She sputtered, a trail of spittle and LCL dripping from her lips. She went to wipe her mouth, but found only more of the repulsive material on the back of her hands. 'It really does smell like blood…' She thought as she once again tried to focus on the man in the shadows.
"Really, it doesn't surprise me a bit. After all she knows that the Magi are as close as she can possibly get to me… She gets to… listen… to every thought, every word, every idea I have." Gendo's glasses reflected a bit of the light from the chamber for an instant, revealing his approximate location. Ritsuko's head locked on to that fleeting glint of light just as he spoke again, "You really have no idea what kind of power your mother created with the Magi."
"I know her better than you ever will." Ritsuko challenged.
"You know her like a mechanic knows a car." Gendo accused, once again completely disappearing. "A mechanic keeps a car running well. A mechanic knows what must be done to fix a car - what makes it run better. But a Mechanic didn't design the car. He'll never know the love that was put into it by the engineer and creator. He will not be able to feel that special feeling one gets when they accomplish something akin to a work of art. You did not design the Evangelions. You simply maintain them. You did not design the Magi, you are but their keeper. My wife and your mother were artists. They created beautiful, amazing things. Powerful things. You are but a pale imitation, useful – but not their equal."
"So that is my fate, then? To be my mother's keeper. And… and you're wife's keeper?"
Gendo stepped forward from the shadows directly in front of Akagi. Ritsuko immediately jumped to her feat and threw her hand at his face. However he caught her hand in mid-swing, grinning as he looked into her eyes. "You have your uses."
Ritsuko tried to resist, but couldn't. Finally she went limp in his grasp, as he lowered her hand and grasped her other hand. "You will… be very useful."
"I… I will be useful." Ritsuko said. 'What… what is happening to me?'
"You can feel it now, can't you?" Gendo practically beamed. "A little, oh so very little, of what was taken from you. But enough to let you know what the Dummy System can do…"
"I Hate… hate. You" Ritsuko said, but couldn't put any strength behind the accusation.
"Kiss me." Gendo instructed.
Ritsuko's eyes widened as her face began to comply. 'No, what is this??? What is happening… for the love of god! I don't want to… what?' Her eyes softened, as she stared into Gendo's glasses. "What…" She managed to whisper as her body involuntarily became closer to this man who had just commanded her.
"Interesting, is it not," Gendo breathed as Ritsuko's lips touched his own. He made no action to return the kiss, only holding Ritsuko's hands at her sides as her lips locked desperately onto his own. After about a minute, Ritsuko backed away, looking at him.
Finally, her mind allowed her control over her voice, "W…what did you do to me?"
Gendo smiled. "The mental effects will fade with time... Most of them, at least. A couple days and you will be inflexible again. There may be some… permanent effects… but nothing you shouldn't be able to cover up with a bit of makeup and your usual… hair coloring. Of course, any instructions I give you during this time will become priorities in your own mind," Gendo smiled, "permanently."
"You bastard," Ritsuko breathed, not really being able to put much force behind it. "Som… some kind of mind control?"
Gendo smiled. "Doctor Akagi, you will… perform the activation test today as normal. You will ensure that the fourth synchronizes with the Unit. And, you will not let anyone know of the incidents that occurred down here."
Ritsuko screamed mentally, 'Like hell I will you bastard… first chance I get I'm letting Misato know everything!' Suddenly a mind numbing pain shot through her brain. She collapsed to the floor, her hand on the tube for the dummy system. 'Duty,' echoed painfully through her mind, as though it were an all consuming juggernaut of power.
"Whatever you thought of, my dear Akagi, I am glad that you did not try to say it aloud." Gendo mused with false concern. "It would be a shame to have to try to revive you after a cardiac arrest."
"You… bastard." Akagi managed through the pain.
"You will quit using foul language." Gendo instructed her.
Ritsuko was about to swear at him again, but the pain returned, causing her to double over and heave the contents of her stomach out. With spittle and bile now dripping from her lips, she managed, "I…. I am not your… your… doll."
At that, Gendo laughed heartily. "You would be if I instructed you to be." He walked close to her and smiled. "Oh, by the way Doctor Akagi: Stop smoking. And don't let it impact your performance."
Ritsuko stared dumbly at the man. She was a heavy smoker. The one thing she wanted right now was a cigarette. She remembered there was a pack in her lab coat… but the moment she imagined herself lighting up the tobacco product, she felt the pain returning.
"Yes… I know what you're thinking. I know what your addiction will do to you. Your change…" Gendo chuckled at this, "Your change means that you will be unable to perform that particular action. It will not, however, allow you to find relief from that particular withdrawal."
"Torture…" Ritsuko gasped.
"Punishment," Gendo corrected. "You are just a tool, Doctor Akagi. But I need you to use that mind of yours… no matter how pale it is compared to the original... To complete the work your mother could not. So you need that individuality, that fire that burns inside of you. That inspiration so that humanity can find complementation."
"Burn… In… Hades…." Ritsuko managed.
Gendo laughed coldly, "You know, I like the PG-13 version much better."
"Pe..people will notice…" Ritsuko muttered weakly.
Gendo seemed to think about it. "True enough. You will not swear in my presence. But you will not smoke ever again." Gendo then looked around. "The trip to the testing grounds should begin at 0600. Its 0030… you should get some food, then some rest."
Ritsuko felt her body mechanically rise and stand. She tried to resist his will, but could not.
"Come… Rei, we will have dinner."
Ritsuko, at that moment, figured out what was making her so pliant. Her mind screamed as the Dummy Plug's response echoed in her own ears with her own voice. "Yes sir." Her mental screams were powerless to change the Dummy personality's impression or control. She couldn't even suppress the small mindless smile that appeared on her lips as the 'Rei' within her anticipated having dinner with the Commander.
In the darkness of the room, after the duo had left, and the lights had gone out… a lone figure stepped out from the darkness. Her crimson eyes narrowed slightly at the closed door.
"The trinity…" Rei whispered. "My sisters… When the time comes, it will be you I depend upon for strength."
There was no sound and no movement in the silence of the room, except for the soft thrumming of machinery and the delicate breathing of the First Child.
-
Shinji rolled in his sleep, sweat covering his brow. In the deep dark recesses of his mind he continued the battle.
"No father, no!" Shinji screamed as his father laughed and taunted him.
"Why will you not fight?" Gendo asked, his impenetrable stare leveled solely on the young boy.
Shinji thought a moment. "Touji… Touji is my friend."
"Irrelevant, you must fight. Or all your friends will die."
Shinji shuddered. "Why?"
"Because that is what I need of you. That is what your mother needs of you. You are our key, you are the lamb before the altar of God. You will be what returns to me that which is rightfully mine…"
"NO!"
"You will kill him, Shinji. That is your purpose."
"NO!!!! NO!!!! I'll destroy you… I'll keep you from hurting my friends."
"Shinji…" Another voice whispered, and the visage of the Commander faded.
"W…Who's there?" Shinji asked in his dream.
"We are here…" Said a soft voice. Then there was a small chuckle… one that sounded exactly like his own. But the laugh was empty – devoid of cheer, or depression… or anything.
"Who are you?"
"We call to you, Shinji… to live for you when you can no longer live. The first has awakened us… we are for you, Shinji of the Trinity…"
"I… I don't understand… Awakened?" His voice trailed off, as he gazed in the dream-mist around him. Suddenly there were dozens of young boys… boys with his face, but with white hair instead of his brown-black…
At once they opened their eyes, a soft smile on their faces. Their eyes were the color of blood… the same color as Rei's. "We are waiting for you, Shinji Ikari. We are you."
Just then, Rei entered Shinji's dreams. "Do not be disturbed…"
"I…" Shinji could not speak as the clones faded into the distance.
"It's alright. Just… just sleep, beloved of mine." Rei said, calmly closing his eyes with her hand.
"But…" Shinji argued, but was powerless to resist Rei's call to oblivion… or to unity.
The last thing Shinji's mind heard before falling into a dreamless slumber was Rei softly speaking.
"For you I do this, for you the one I love." She said. "For you all will be well, dear, sweet, Shinji."
--
Author's notes:
I'm really sorry for the short part. I'm trying to organize my thoughts for the upcoming battle. Hopefully it will be the longest part I've written so far, with the exception of the first chapter of course.
I've long given up hope of being able to predict when I can have these parts complete. But hey, I'm trying. I hope that the quality keeps up with that of the previous chapters, I promise you, you won't be disappointed when you see the next part. :D
Later,
PitViper (pvalpha@yahoo.com)
-
Friday Morning.
One must wonder, at times, what the hazy mists of morning must look like right after a particularly vivid dream. Then again, one must wonder – at times – whether or not reality is simply the minds reflection of a particularly powerful dream. Of course, if it is, then what would be the use of waking up from it?
Still, despite all things, we strive to wake up from our dreams… and eventually we let even the most enjoyable of them fade into that forgetful mist known as reality… wondering if the dream or the dreamer is the one setting the pace and the tone for the story called life.
If we are in a dream of reality, then we are prisoners to it. We cannot see our prison, we cannot touch it or taste it or quantify it. The only time we are made aware that we were actually prisoners in our own minds, is when we finally, inexorably, wake up. Such as it was for Doctor Ritsuko Akagi as the tank and the Magi released their grip on her body and her mind, respectfully.
Doctor Akagi's form spewed out the last of the LCL… "Dam…Damn you." She finally managed under her heaves and aborted deep breaths. He was there. He had to be there. He would always be there. To gloat… to love… to hate… So many things within him, conflicting against each other. Yet, there was no room for her in the heart that belonged to Gendo Ikari. He was a shadow, inching around her, suffocating and binding… Her hazy vision tried to lock onto the shadow that was creeping around in the unlit portion of the lab, but she failed miserably in locating her tormentor.
She placed her left hand to her chest, and felt the slimy residue of the LCL on her skin. A soft breeze from the air conditioning system reminded her of her current state of undress.
"So, still defiant, I see. Maybe I had hoped your mother would trade places with you." The commander's voice boomed from the surrounding darkness. "It is not of importance. You have accomplished your task."
"Fuck you." She sputtered, a trail of spittle and LCL dripping from her lips. She went to wipe her mouth, but found only more of the repulsive material on the back of her hands. 'It really does smell like blood…' She thought as she once again tried to focus on the man in the shadows.
"Really, it doesn't surprise me a bit. After all she knows that the Magi are as close as she can possibly get to me… She gets to… listen… to every thought, every word, every idea I have." Gendo's glasses reflected a bit of the light from the chamber for an instant, revealing his approximate location. Ritsuko's head locked on to that fleeting glint of light just as he spoke again, "You really have no idea what kind of power your mother created with the Magi."
"I know her better than you ever will." Ritsuko challenged.
"You know her like a mechanic knows a car." Gendo accused, once again completely disappearing. "A mechanic keeps a car running well. A mechanic knows what must be done to fix a car - what makes it run better. But a Mechanic didn't design the car. He'll never know the love that was put into it by the engineer and creator. He will not be able to feel that special feeling one gets when they accomplish something akin to a work of art. You did not design the Evangelions. You simply maintain them. You did not design the Magi, you are but their keeper. My wife and your mother were artists. They created beautiful, amazing things. Powerful things. You are but a pale imitation, useful – but not their equal."
"So that is my fate, then? To be my mother's keeper. And… and you're wife's keeper?"
Gendo stepped forward from the shadows directly in front of Akagi. Ritsuko immediately jumped to her feat and threw her hand at his face. However he caught her hand in mid-swing, grinning as he looked into her eyes. "You have your uses."
Ritsuko tried to resist, but couldn't. Finally she went limp in his grasp, as he lowered her hand and grasped her other hand. "You will… be very useful."
"I… I will be useful." Ritsuko said. 'What… what is happening to me?'
"You can feel it now, can't you?" Gendo practically beamed. "A little, oh so very little, of what was taken from you. But enough to let you know what the Dummy System can do…"
"I Hate… hate. You" Ritsuko said, but couldn't put any strength behind the accusation.
"Kiss me." Gendo instructed.
Ritsuko's eyes widened as her face began to comply. 'No, what is this??? What is happening… for the love of god! I don't want to… what?' Her eyes softened, as she stared into Gendo's glasses. "What…" She managed to whisper as her body involuntarily became closer to this man who had just commanded her.
"Interesting, is it not," Gendo breathed as Ritsuko's lips touched his own. He made no action to return the kiss, only holding Ritsuko's hands at her sides as her lips locked desperately onto his own. After about a minute, Ritsuko backed away, looking at him.
Finally, her mind allowed her control over her voice, "W…what did you do to me?"
Gendo smiled. "The mental effects will fade with time... Most of them, at least. A couple days and you will be inflexible again. There may be some… permanent effects… but nothing you shouldn't be able to cover up with a bit of makeup and your usual… hair coloring. Of course, any instructions I give you during this time will become priorities in your own mind," Gendo smiled, "permanently."
"You bastard," Ritsuko breathed, not really being able to put much force behind it. "Som… some kind of mind control?"
Gendo smiled. "Doctor Akagi, you will… perform the activation test today as normal. You will ensure that the fourth synchronizes with the Unit. And, you will not let anyone know of the incidents that occurred down here."
Ritsuko screamed mentally, 'Like hell I will you bastard… first chance I get I'm letting Misato know everything!' Suddenly a mind numbing pain shot through her brain. She collapsed to the floor, her hand on the tube for the dummy system. 'Duty,' echoed painfully through her mind, as though it were an all consuming juggernaut of power.
"Whatever you thought of, my dear Akagi, I am glad that you did not try to say it aloud." Gendo mused with false concern. "It would be a shame to have to try to revive you after a cardiac arrest."
"You… bastard." Akagi managed through the pain.
"You will quit using foul language." Gendo instructed her.
Ritsuko was about to swear at him again, but the pain returned, causing her to double over and heave the contents of her stomach out. With spittle and bile now dripping from her lips, she managed, "I…. I am not your… your… doll."
At that, Gendo laughed heartily. "You would be if I instructed you to be." He walked close to her and smiled. "Oh, by the way Doctor Akagi: Stop smoking. And don't let it impact your performance."
Ritsuko stared dumbly at the man. She was a heavy smoker. The one thing she wanted right now was a cigarette. She remembered there was a pack in her lab coat… but the moment she imagined herself lighting up the tobacco product, she felt the pain returning.
"Yes… I know what you're thinking. I know what your addiction will do to you. Your change…" Gendo chuckled at this, "Your change means that you will be unable to perform that particular action. It will not, however, allow you to find relief from that particular withdrawal."
"Torture…" Ritsuko gasped.
"Punishment," Gendo corrected. "You are just a tool, Doctor Akagi. But I need you to use that mind of yours… no matter how pale it is compared to the original... To complete the work your mother could not. So you need that individuality, that fire that burns inside of you. That inspiration so that humanity can find complementation."
"Burn… In… Hades…." Ritsuko managed.
Gendo laughed coldly, "You know, I like the PG-13 version much better."
"Pe..people will notice…" Ritsuko muttered weakly.
Gendo seemed to think about it. "True enough. You will not swear in my presence. But you will not smoke ever again." Gendo then looked around. "The trip to the testing grounds should begin at 0600. Its 0030… you should get some food, then some rest."
Ritsuko felt her body mechanically rise and stand. She tried to resist his will, but could not.
"Come… Rei, we will have dinner."
Ritsuko, at that moment, figured out what was making her so pliant. Her mind screamed as the Dummy Plug's response echoed in her own ears with her own voice. "Yes sir." Her mental screams were powerless to change the Dummy personality's impression or control. She couldn't even suppress the small mindless smile that appeared on her lips as the 'Rei' within her anticipated having dinner with the Commander.
In the darkness of the room, after the duo had left, and the lights had gone out… a lone figure stepped out from the darkness. Her crimson eyes narrowed slightly at the closed door.
"The trinity…" Rei whispered. "My sisters… When the time comes, it will be you I depend upon for strength."
There was no sound and no movement in the silence of the room, except for the soft thrumming of machinery and the delicate breathing of the First Child.
-
Shinji rolled in his sleep, sweat covering his brow. In the deep dark recesses of his mind he continued the battle.
"No father, no!" Shinji screamed as his father laughed and taunted him.
"Why will you not fight?" Gendo asked, his impenetrable stare leveled solely on the young boy.
Shinji thought a moment. "Touji… Touji is my friend."
"Irrelevant, you must fight. Or all your friends will die."
Shinji shuddered. "Why?"
"Because that is what I need of you. That is what your mother needs of you. You are our key, you are the lamb before the altar of God. You will be what returns to me that which is rightfully mine…"
"NO!"
"You will kill him, Shinji. That is your purpose."
"NO!!!! NO!!!! I'll destroy you… I'll keep you from hurting my friends."
"Shinji…" Another voice whispered, and the visage of the Commander faded.
"W…Who's there?" Shinji asked in his dream.
"We are here…" Said a soft voice. Then there was a small chuckle… one that sounded exactly like his own. But the laugh was empty – devoid of cheer, or depression… or anything.
"Who are you?"
"We call to you, Shinji… to live for you when you can no longer live. The first has awakened us… we are for you, Shinji of the Trinity…"
"I… I don't understand… Awakened?" His voice trailed off, as he gazed in the dream-mist around him. Suddenly there were dozens of young boys… boys with his face, but with white hair instead of his brown-black…
At once they opened their eyes, a soft smile on their faces. Their eyes were the color of blood… the same color as Rei's. "We are waiting for you, Shinji Ikari. We are you."
Just then, Rei entered Shinji's dreams. "Do not be disturbed…"
"I…" Shinji could not speak as the clones faded into the distance.
"It's alright. Just… just sleep, beloved of mine." Rei said, calmly closing his eyes with her hand.
"But…" Shinji argued, but was powerless to resist Rei's call to oblivion… or to unity.
The last thing Shinji's mind heard before falling into a dreamless slumber was Rei softly speaking.
"For you I do this, for you the one I love." She said. "For you all will be well, dear, sweet, Shinji."
--
Author's notes:
I'm really sorry for the short part. I'm trying to organize my thoughts for the upcoming battle. Hopefully it will be the longest part I've written so far, with the exception of the first chapter of course.
I've long given up hope of being able to predict when I can have these parts complete. But hey, I'm trying. I hope that the quality keeps up with that of the previous chapters, I promise you, you won't be disappointed when you see the next part. :D
Later,
PitViper (pvalpha@yahoo.com)