DISCLAIMER: PARAMOUNT OWNS STAR TREK VOYAGER
This is my alternative last scene for The Barge of the Dead.
A HUG.
As the lift doors open, they see me and pause waiting for me to reach them, B'Ellana reaches out and touches my arm.
"Chakotay." Hearing the sadness in her voice, I glance at her and then I see the tears shinning in her eyes I have to look away for a second, when I look back she is trying to smile but looks so pale, that I'm immediately worried.
Never the less she's trying to be brave and I won't let her down so I try to smile "You okay?" she nods.
Tom pulls her close, that gesture alone offers me reassurance, Tom is watching her and I see the love in his eyes. I know then she'll be okay, that she's no longer alone. He has his arm around her shoulders and she is leaning into him. Times they are a changing. I remember a time not so long ago, and a girl called B'Elanna, who would not lean on anyone, let alone be seen to be leaning on anyone.
However, she's not that girl anymore, she's a woman and she belongs with him, and he with her.
What else did I expect; people move on. Even on Voyager, people move on.
I am starting to feel like I am on the outside looking in. Everyone is getting on with their lives, everyone that is, apart from us Kathryn and I, we could have had more, there should have had something, anything. Again, I wish I could stop my mind from thinking what might have been. Damn I'm starting to sound bitter.
Looking at Tom now, I am almost ashamed of our last conversation, when I told him that if he ever hurt her I would kill him. His face when I told him. I thought he was about to tell me to mind my own business, and really he'd every right. Who am I to give advice on LOVE? In fact, I don't know why I did it, other than she's been my family for so long now, just as I am hers. Seeing her hurt would be more than I could bear.
But you could have knocked me over with a feather on that day, when Tom straightened up and looked me straight in the eye and replied,
"Chakotay, I love her."
He meant it, I knew it then, I finally understood he would never let anyone hurt her again.
Suddenly I found myself starting to like Tom Paris. I'm going to have to watch that.
I left them, and made my way to where my heart has always belonged to Katherine.
I'm in sickbay now, looking at her, she looks so small, damn she spends so much time hiding behind the Captain's mask that I sometimes forget the woman inside. She's here now the woman I love sitting with her head in her hands, waiting.
But waiting for whom for what?
The Doctor's seen me, he nods but makes no move to interfere, entering his office to give us some privacy, or to avoid the Captain's wrath when she realises he's called me. Of course, I knew what they had been planning to do. Katherine and B'Elanna, but as was normal of late Katherine had chosen not to include me. Tom had told me of the plans. I never thought I would see the day Tom confided in me more than Katherine does. But the days when I was Katherine's sounding board are a distant memory.
Yes, the idea had rattled me; this decision was so unlike the Captain, but so like Kathryn. I could not explain why but it scared me. But it did.
Then it was over and the Doctor had called me because he didn't know what to do, hell, I don't know what to do either. When he'd called, I'd glanced at Tuvok seeing then he was worried about her too. As I rose to come here, he actually reached out and touched my arm. That simple gesture by her old friend and my old adversary caused me to choke back the tears. I nodded at him but couldn't speak.
In the lift, I'd listened as the Doctor updated me telling me what happened when B'Elanna came round I felt my heart starting to break. B'Elanna is not known for hugging, neither is Kathryn. Few people hug her; in fact, I think the last one was Kes. That's the shame of it really she's so tactile; I think she misses hugging and being hugged. I know I do.
I feel sorry for the Doctor, the after effects from the hug, could not have been foretold by the Doctor. But it's something I have been half expecting for a while; she's been so tightly wound of late.
Thinking back to what we've been through Scorpion and then Equinox; damn him, because of him I lost my best friend that day.
Our friendship the one thing I was certain of in this God forsaken quadrant, was damaged at a fundamental level, that of trust.
Katherine's been holding her emotions in for so long now it's become second nature to her, but the unexpected show of feeling from B'Elanna I think was just too much. The doctor's call to me was one of concern for a friend. The fact he thinks I can help speaks volumes of the relationship the crew and even the Doctor think we have. If that were true. Then neither of us would not be here now.
But she's my friend my very best friend and I can't ignore what's in front of me. I look across at her now, and I'm fighting to understand how we ever came to this.
If I were outside looking in on this scene, I would see; a woman who was trying desperately to hold on to the last piece of her self control, and a man who needs her to let go.
The Doctor was right when he said she was close to the edge. What he doesn't know is; so am I.
We've been hurting each other for some time now. Strange thing is I know neither of us means to do it, but it's so hard to stop It's better to be hurt than ignored. The lack of kindness in either of our actions is hard, to bear but necessary for both of us.
I cannot take being ignored not by her. I don't have it in me to ignore her. I think that is why we continue to inflict the pain, anything it's better than nothing.
We couldn't be apart.... I just couldn't.
Sometimes I remember how it was. That's all that keeps us from....Spirits... I can't think like that. I have to remember how it used to be, how it could be again. Once we were easy together, we had all the time in the world.or at least we thought so.
But..time....is.. so damned elusive, it just carries on ticking. Regardless.
When was the last time I flirted with her on the bridge, or made her laugh? When was the last time she touched my arm or gave me the smile she saves only for me? Thinking about it like that, neither of us does that anymore. There in lies our problem. Now we are so polite, so aware of not overstepping the line that we don't venture anywhere near it, and do nothing.
"When were we last just Kathryn and Chakotay?"
I am standing right behind her now I can feel her warmth, smell her scent. "God Kathryn." still unsure as to my next action do I speak or touch her.
Usually Kathryn initiates any contact between us. I rarely do, "why is that?"
Turning she faces me "Chakotay." The tears in her eyes are evident and she knows it. Knows I can see them, and for the first time ever she lets me see them fall. I realise she'd been waiting for me. Like I have been waiting for her.
Control slipping away.
She is standing now and twisting her hands; nerves? So unlike her my friend my Captain my Katherine. Damn it, I'm scared too, but she's lifting her head tilting it to look at me, and I let her see the tears in my eyes. I can feel them falling but I won't stop them.
My control slipping away.
I give her my tears, so she can add them to what she already has, my soul. Standing here I watch her still unsure of what to do. She senses my uncertainty, and lowers her head again. I know my tears scare her.
Then I catch the Doctor's eye, which isn't hard, because at that moment he's balancing on a chair in his office, waving his arms in the air. I'm desperately trying to understand what he's doing, and why? Thank the spirits; he's stopped waving now maybe I will be able to. No! Damn him, now what's he doing? some type of mime. At times like these, you start to wonder about the sub-routines regarding his sense of humour. Is, his brand of medicine based on charades? Why am I wondering? If this is anything to go by it's a certainty. He's lost a micro chip.
"Wait until I tell Katherine." Damn now, I'm making notes in my head to tell her. The need for her to share my day is beyond my control.
Katherine.
Then I get I get it. Smack between the eyes like. He's telling me to hug her. I'm angry with myself now; once upon a time no one would have had to tell me to hug her. Where did the time go? When did we become almost strangers? What has happened to us? Were we ever us? Or are we just destined to always be in this limbo of growing distant, always together but forever apart? A man could go mad thinking about this.
Then I hear myself saying her name.
"Kathryn."
She's looking at me again eyes filled to the brim, tears rolling down her cheeks, she reaches up and wipes her face with the back of her hand.
Just that one gesture. It's my undoing she looks so defenceless and I'm just as vulnerable.
"I need you." Her words so quiet I almost miss them. But I have to tell her now.
"I love you." She can destroy me with one wrong word, one glance, but she won't it would destroy her too.
"Chakotay."
Never: Have I heard my name been spoken with such tenderness. I catch her eyes again with mine and hold them as she says.
"I love you too."
I look at her and know I have to ask, my friend is waiting.
"Kathryn, can I have a hug."
Moving into my arms, she answers with just the one word.
"Always."
My tears mix with hers as we hold each other hopefully for forever, but definitely for now.
THE END
This is my alternative last scene for The Barge of the Dead.
A HUG.
As the lift doors open, they see me and pause waiting for me to reach them, B'Ellana reaches out and touches my arm.
"Chakotay." Hearing the sadness in her voice, I glance at her and then I see the tears shinning in her eyes I have to look away for a second, when I look back she is trying to smile but looks so pale, that I'm immediately worried.
Never the less she's trying to be brave and I won't let her down so I try to smile "You okay?" she nods.
Tom pulls her close, that gesture alone offers me reassurance, Tom is watching her and I see the love in his eyes. I know then she'll be okay, that she's no longer alone. He has his arm around her shoulders and she is leaning into him. Times they are a changing. I remember a time not so long ago, and a girl called B'Elanna, who would not lean on anyone, let alone be seen to be leaning on anyone.
However, she's not that girl anymore, she's a woman and she belongs with him, and he with her.
What else did I expect; people move on. Even on Voyager, people move on.
I am starting to feel like I am on the outside looking in. Everyone is getting on with their lives, everyone that is, apart from us Kathryn and I, we could have had more, there should have had something, anything. Again, I wish I could stop my mind from thinking what might have been. Damn I'm starting to sound bitter.
Looking at Tom now, I am almost ashamed of our last conversation, when I told him that if he ever hurt her I would kill him. His face when I told him. I thought he was about to tell me to mind my own business, and really he'd every right. Who am I to give advice on LOVE? In fact, I don't know why I did it, other than she's been my family for so long now, just as I am hers. Seeing her hurt would be more than I could bear.
But you could have knocked me over with a feather on that day, when Tom straightened up and looked me straight in the eye and replied,
"Chakotay, I love her."
He meant it, I knew it then, I finally understood he would never let anyone hurt her again.
Suddenly I found myself starting to like Tom Paris. I'm going to have to watch that.
I left them, and made my way to where my heart has always belonged to Katherine.
I'm in sickbay now, looking at her, she looks so small, damn she spends so much time hiding behind the Captain's mask that I sometimes forget the woman inside. She's here now the woman I love sitting with her head in her hands, waiting.
But waiting for whom for what?
The Doctor's seen me, he nods but makes no move to interfere, entering his office to give us some privacy, or to avoid the Captain's wrath when she realises he's called me. Of course, I knew what they had been planning to do. Katherine and B'Elanna, but as was normal of late Katherine had chosen not to include me. Tom had told me of the plans. I never thought I would see the day Tom confided in me more than Katherine does. But the days when I was Katherine's sounding board are a distant memory.
Yes, the idea had rattled me; this decision was so unlike the Captain, but so like Kathryn. I could not explain why but it scared me. But it did.
Then it was over and the Doctor had called me because he didn't know what to do, hell, I don't know what to do either. When he'd called, I'd glanced at Tuvok seeing then he was worried about her too. As I rose to come here, he actually reached out and touched my arm. That simple gesture by her old friend and my old adversary caused me to choke back the tears. I nodded at him but couldn't speak.
In the lift, I'd listened as the Doctor updated me telling me what happened when B'Elanna came round I felt my heart starting to break. B'Elanna is not known for hugging, neither is Kathryn. Few people hug her; in fact, I think the last one was Kes. That's the shame of it really she's so tactile; I think she misses hugging and being hugged. I know I do.
I feel sorry for the Doctor, the after effects from the hug, could not have been foretold by the Doctor. But it's something I have been half expecting for a while; she's been so tightly wound of late.
Thinking back to what we've been through Scorpion and then Equinox; damn him, because of him I lost my best friend that day.
Our friendship the one thing I was certain of in this God forsaken quadrant, was damaged at a fundamental level, that of trust.
Katherine's been holding her emotions in for so long now it's become second nature to her, but the unexpected show of feeling from B'Elanna I think was just too much. The doctor's call to me was one of concern for a friend. The fact he thinks I can help speaks volumes of the relationship the crew and even the Doctor think we have. If that were true. Then neither of us would not be here now.
But she's my friend my very best friend and I can't ignore what's in front of me. I look across at her now, and I'm fighting to understand how we ever came to this.
If I were outside looking in on this scene, I would see; a woman who was trying desperately to hold on to the last piece of her self control, and a man who needs her to let go.
The Doctor was right when he said she was close to the edge. What he doesn't know is; so am I.
We've been hurting each other for some time now. Strange thing is I know neither of us means to do it, but it's so hard to stop It's better to be hurt than ignored. The lack of kindness in either of our actions is hard, to bear but necessary for both of us.
I cannot take being ignored not by her. I don't have it in me to ignore her. I think that is why we continue to inflict the pain, anything it's better than nothing.
We couldn't be apart.... I just couldn't.
Sometimes I remember how it was. That's all that keeps us from....Spirits... I can't think like that. I have to remember how it used to be, how it could be again. Once we were easy together, we had all the time in the world.or at least we thought so.
But..time....is.. so damned elusive, it just carries on ticking. Regardless.
When was the last time I flirted with her on the bridge, or made her laugh? When was the last time she touched my arm or gave me the smile she saves only for me? Thinking about it like that, neither of us does that anymore. There in lies our problem. Now we are so polite, so aware of not overstepping the line that we don't venture anywhere near it, and do nothing.
"When were we last just Kathryn and Chakotay?"
I am standing right behind her now I can feel her warmth, smell her scent. "God Kathryn." still unsure as to my next action do I speak or touch her.
Usually Kathryn initiates any contact between us. I rarely do, "why is that?"
Turning she faces me "Chakotay." The tears in her eyes are evident and she knows it. Knows I can see them, and for the first time ever she lets me see them fall. I realise she'd been waiting for me. Like I have been waiting for her.
Control slipping away.
She is standing now and twisting her hands; nerves? So unlike her my friend my Captain my Katherine. Damn it, I'm scared too, but she's lifting her head tilting it to look at me, and I let her see the tears in my eyes. I can feel them falling but I won't stop them.
My control slipping away.
I give her my tears, so she can add them to what she already has, my soul. Standing here I watch her still unsure of what to do. She senses my uncertainty, and lowers her head again. I know my tears scare her.
Then I catch the Doctor's eye, which isn't hard, because at that moment he's balancing on a chair in his office, waving his arms in the air. I'm desperately trying to understand what he's doing, and why? Thank the spirits; he's stopped waving now maybe I will be able to. No! Damn him, now what's he doing? some type of mime. At times like these, you start to wonder about the sub-routines regarding his sense of humour. Is, his brand of medicine based on charades? Why am I wondering? If this is anything to go by it's a certainty. He's lost a micro chip.
"Wait until I tell Katherine." Damn now, I'm making notes in my head to tell her. The need for her to share my day is beyond my control.
Katherine.
Then I get I get it. Smack between the eyes like. He's telling me to hug her. I'm angry with myself now; once upon a time no one would have had to tell me to hug her. Where did the time go? When did we become almost strangers? What has happened to us? Were we ever us? Or are we just destined to always be in this limbo of growing distant, always together but forever apart? A man could go mad thinking about this.
Then I hear myself saying her name.
"Kathryn."
She's looking at me again eyes filled to the brim, tears rolling down her cheeks, she reaches up and wipes her face with the back of her hand.
Just that one gesture. It's my undoing she looks so defenceless and I'm just as vulnerable.
"I need you." Her words so quiet I almost miss them. But I have to tell her now.
"I love you." She can destroy me with one wrong word, one glance, but she won't it would destroy her too.
"Chakotay."
Never: Have I heard my name been spoken with such tenderness. I catch her eyes again with mine and hold them as she says.
"I love you too."
I look at her and know I have to ask, my friend is waiting.
"Kathryn, can I have a hug."
Moving into my arms, she answers with just the one word.
"Always."
My tears mix with hers as we hold each other hopefully for forever, but definitely for now.
THE END