Chapter Eleven: The Hardest Thing
Hermione was no longer sitting in the kitchen of Hogwarts. She was somewhere else, a place that only people in deepest love go. She was swimming in a cool ocean, she was flying in the blue sky, she was in a whole other world-a wonderful, perfect world. James ran his fingers through her hair, deepening the kiss. Hermione could not remember the last time she felt so exultant.
And then reality hit.
She jumped up, jerking her hand from James's. What was she doing? Only destroying the life of one of her best friends and the future of the wizarding world. If Voldemort continued his reign, countless more people- magical and muggles alike-would inevitably die. And she had ignored this all to satisfy her own selfish desires.
"James," she began, "that was wrong."
James looked surprised, then stood and again took her hand. "Are we moving too fast?" He asked concernedly.
"No, it's not that," she replied. "We are completely wrong for each other."
James's expression reflected hurt. "But, Hera...I lov..."
She cut him off. "No, James. I like you just like I like Ron and Harry. As a friend: no more, no less."
Once more releasing her hand from his, she ran down the hall. Tears streaming down her face, and not worried about who she may run into, she rushed to the portrait of the fat lady. "Blissful boggart," she muttered the password. The picture swung open and she entered her room, immediately drawing the curtains of her bed and falling onto it with despair. She had done what she had to do, what was right. Then why did it feel so wrong?
*****
Remus, Peter, Sirius, and Lily were completely ignorant of the happenings of the past night. They sat at the breakfast table, carrying on as usual. Even James joined them. He seemed perfectly normal, as if nothing had happened. Quite a good actor, Hermione thought. Even though the others didn't, she saw that look in his eyes every time she spoke. She knew just how much his heart was breaking, for hers was too.
A week passed. Everything seemed to have returned to normal. The group continued despising Bellatrix and Snape, especially because they denied any knowledge of Hermione's Time Turner. James and Hermione rarely talked to each other, but the other four teenagers seemed to take no notice. Remus, however, was regarding her with particular interest. Every time he cast a look her way she felt as if he could see right through her and read what was on her mind. She wrote off the feeling simply as paranoia.
One day as Hermione was reading in the library, James approached her. Surprised, she looked at him. He hadn't initiated contact since that night in the kitchen. "Hi James," she said softly.
"Hera," he sat next to her, leaning in close. "You know how I feel about you. And I know that you feel the same about me. So why are you denying it?"
"You're wrong, James," every word bore knives into her heart. "I do not feel that way about you."
He slammed his fist on the table. "Yes you do, damnit!" His sudden language shocked Hermione. James's expression immediately softened as he lowered his voice to a pained whisper. "Hera, yes you do. I see that look on your face all the time. You're going through the exact same hurt I am. Why put both of us through this?"
"No, you're mistaken. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not in love with you." Hermione feared that the tears welling in her eyes were betraying her words and revealing her true feelings. James looked thoroughly confused and frustrated.
"What is it, Hera?" he asked. "I know you have feelings for me, deny it all you want. So what is it? Another man?"
Then it dawned on Hermione. She knew what she had to do. It hurt her more than anything else to lie to the man she loved, and to break his heart. But it was her obligation. She owed it to Harry. "Yes," she quietly replied, her soul wailing in anguish.
James looked surprised. That was not the answer he was expecting. "Who?" he asked, his voice cracking with emotion.
Hermione tightly shut her eyes. This was the only way. "Sirius," she whispered. James just stared at her, his eyes unbelieving and wounded. She couldn't take it anymore. She swiftly stood up, grabbed her books, and walked out of the library, leaving James behind.
A deep breath steadied her emotions as she headed back to the common room. Sirius! What was she thinking? But at the same time, it worked. A relationship with him was a viable thing, and as long as it kept her from James, everything should work out. Hermione was so consumed in her thoughts that she was unaware of her surroundings until she ran into Sirius Black himself.
"Why, hello," he said, placing his hands on her shoulders and taking a step back so he could get a good look at her body. "Lookin' good, as usual," he stepped closer and whispered provocatively in her ear. "What do you say you and I go for a little stroll?"
Hermione tried to control herself so she wouldn't push him away. This was just what she needed to carry out her plan, so as long as she had power over her emotions it would work just fine. James would see her with Sirius, know that there was no hope for a potential relationship, and look elsewhere for comfort. If everything worked out as Hermione intended, he would find the comfort in Lily. Scared at what she was about to do, she calmed herself before proceeding.
Hermione looked straight into his eyes, mustered up her best fake smile, and replied, "Sounds lovely."
Sirius was completely taken aback. Was Hera Ranger finally caving in? He couldn't believe his luck. "Well, then..." he started, not quite sure what to do seeing how she had never accepted his advances before. Hermione couldn't help a laugh, and she grabbed his hand and led him out of the castle. "I could get used to this," Sirius thought.
Surprisingly, they actually had a decent conversation as they walked hand in hand across the Hogwarts ground. But Hermione couldn't help but compare everything about him to James, and Sirius hardly measured up compared to the boy for whom she had fallen. Finally, when they reached the end of the grounds, Sirius faced her and took her in his arms. His dark eyes were stormy and unreadable; nothing like James's beautiful, honest hazel ones. He squeezed her-almost painfully-and crushed his lips upon hers. The kiss brought Hermione nothing but more pain and misery in the pit of her heart, and couldn't be farther from the meaningful, pure moment she had shared with James. But she obliged. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed back with every ounce of her being. Sirius, caught up in the kiss, was completely unaware of the tears streaming down her face as she tried to convince herself that this was best.
Hermione was no longer sitting in the kitchen of Hogwarts. She was somewhere else, a place that only people in deepest love go. She was swimming in a cool ocean, she was flying in the blue sky, she was in a whole other world-a wonderful, perfect world. James ran his fingers through her hair, deepening the kiss. Hermione could not remember the last time she felt so exultant.
And then reality hit.
She jumped up, jerking her hand from James's. What was she doing? Only destroying the life of one of her best friends and the future of the wizarding world. If Voldemort continued his reign, countless more people- magical and muggles alike-would inevitably die. And she had ignored this all to satisfy her own selfish desires.
"James," she began, "that was wrong."
James looked surprised, then stood and again took her hand. "Are we moving too fast?" He asked concernedly.
"No, it's not that," she replied. "We are completely wrong for each other."
James's expression reflected hurt. "But, Hera...I lov..."
She cut him off. "No, James. I like you just like I like Ron and Harry. As a friend: no more, no less."
Once more releasing her hand from his, she ran down the hall. Tears streaming down her face, and not worried about who she may run into, she rushed to the portrait of the fat lady. "Blissful boggart," she muttered the password. The picture swung open and she entered her room, immediately drawing the curtains of her bed and falling onto it with despair. She had done what she had to do, what was right. Then why did it feel so wrong?
*****
Remus, Peter, Sirius, and Lily were completely ignorant of the happenings of the past night. They sat at the breakfast table, carrying on as usual. Even James joined them. He seemed perfectly normal, as if nothing had happened. Quite a good actor, Hermione thought. Even though the others didn't, she saw that look in his eyes every time she spoke. She knew just how much his heart was breaking, for hers was too.
A week passed. Everything seemed to have returned to normal. The group continued despising Bellatrix and Snape, especially because they denied any knowledge of Hermione's Time Turner. James and Hermione rarely talked to each other, but the other four teenagers seemed to take no notice. Remus, however, was regarding her with particular interest. Every time he cast a look her way she felt as if he could see right through her and read what was on her mind. She wrote off the feeling simply as paranoia.
One day as Hermione was reading in the library, James approached her. Surprised, she looked at him. He hadn't initiated contact since that night in the kitchen. "Hi James," she said softly.
"Hera," he sat next to her, leaning in close. "You know how I feel about you. And I know that you feel the same about me. So why are you denying it?"
"You're wrong, James," every word bore knives into her heart. "I do not feel that way about you."
He slammed his fist on the table. "Yes you do, damnit!" His sudden language shocked Hermione. James's expression immediately softened as he lowered his voice to a pained whisper. "Hera, yes you do. I see that look on your face all the time. You're going through the exact same hurt I am. Why put both of us through this?"
"No, you're mistaken. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not in love with you." Hermione feared that the tears welling in her eyes were betraying her words and revealing her true feelings. James looked thoroughly confused and frustrated.
"What is it, Hera?" he asked. "I know you have feelings for me, deny it all you want. So what is it? Another man?"
Then it dawned on Hermione. She knew what she had to do. It hurt her more than anything else to lie to the man she loved, and to break his heart. But it was her obligation. She owed it to Harry. "Yes," she quietly replied, her soul wailing in anguish.
James looked surprised. That was not the answer he was expecting. "Who?" he asked, his voice cracking with emotion.
Hermione tightly shut her eyes. This was the only way. "Sirius," she whispered. James just stared at her, his eyes unbelieving and wounded. She couldn't take it anymore. She swiftly stood up, grabbed her books, and walked out of the library, leaving James behind.
A deep breath steadied her emotions as she headed back to the common room. Sirius! What was she thinking? But at the same time, it worked. A relationship with him was a viable thing, and as long as it kept her from James, everything should work out. Hermione was so consumed in her thoughts that she was unaware of her surroundings until she ran into Sirius Black himself.
"Why, hello," he said, placing his hands on her shoulders and taking a step back so he could get a good look at her body. "Lookin' good, as usual," he stepped closer and whispered provocatively in her ear. "What do you say you and I go for a little stroll?"
Hermione tried to control herself so she wouldn't push him away. This was just what she needed to carry out her plan, so as long as she had power over her emotions it would work just fine. James would see her with Sirius, know that there was no hope for a potential relationship, and look elsewhere for comfort. If everything worked out as Hermione intended, he would find the comfort in Lily. Scared at what she was about to do, she calmed herself before proceeding.
Hermione looked straight into his eyes, mustered up her best fake smile, and replied, "Sounds lovely."
Sirius was completely taken aback. Was Hera Ranger finally caving in? He couldn't believe his luck. "Well, then..." he started, not quite sure what to do seeing how she had never accepted his advances before. Hermione couldn't help a laugh, and she grabbed his hand and led him out of the castle. "I could get used to this," Sirius thought.
Surprisingly, they actually had a decent conversation as they walked hand in hand across the Hogwarts ground. But Hermione couldn't help but compare everything about him to James, and Sirius hardly measured up compared to the boy for whom she had fallen. Finally, when they reached the end of the grounds, Sirius faced her and took her in his arms. His dark eyes were stormy and unreadable; nothing like James's beautiful, honest hazel ones. He squeezed her-almost painfully-and crushed his lips upon hers. The kiss brought Hermione nothing but more pain and misery in the pit of her heart, and couldn't be farther from the meaningful, pure moment she had shared with James. But she obliged. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed back with every ounce of her being. Sirius, caught up in the kiss, was completely unaware of the tears streaming down her face as she tried to convince herself that this was best.