Chapter Fifteen: Confessions
"R-Remus?" Hermione was confused. She eyed him warily as she slowly backed towards the doorway. "What are you doing?" Her hand tightened around the knob, and she was ready to bolt if the need arose.
Remus took a step forward, extending his hand as if to stop her. "Hera, I just want to talk."
She regarded him, bewildered. "Why?" She had hardly talked to Remus, because everything about him reminded her of the future. He was exactly the same.
"Why?" he sounded slightly exasperated. "Because you're miserable, that's why."
"Say's who?" she retorted, angry at him for deciding how she felt.
"Says your eyes!" Remus was becoming irate. It was so obvious that she didn't have any feelings for Sirius, yet she continued their relationship and became confrontational when approached about it. "What are you doing with Sirius, anyway?"
"What do you mean?" she asked evasively as she warily took a seat on the edge of her bed.
"You know exactly what I mean," Remus sat across from her, resting his elbows on his knees and leaning in. "You're in love with James," he said accusingly.
Hermione gasped. Were her feelings really that evident?
"But it doesn't make sense," Remus continued. "What you're doing isn't even selfish; I can tell it's torture for you. The only one the situation really benefits is Sirius. So tell me why you stay with him."
She shook her head. "There's nothing to tell."
His eyes narrowed. "You're hiding something."
"No!" she abruptly stood, refusing to make eye contact. But she had to admit, "there's a lot you don't know about me, Remus."
He also stood. "Then tell me."
"I can't," she whispered, closing her eyes.
"Hera, we all have things to hide." He walked over and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "But it makes it so much better to talk about it. I held a secret inside myself for a long time when I first came to Hogwarts." He withdrew his hand and sat, looking contemplative. "I thought that I could never tell anyone, and it just ate me up inside. Finally I told James, Sirius, and Peter; it felt so good." He grinned. "Your problem is probably nothing compared to mine. You would never guess..."
"You're a werewolf." Oops. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Hermione regretted saying them.
"What!" Remus's eyes grew large, and he jumped to her feet, grabbing her wrist. "What did you say?"
"Nothing," she muttered, jerking her arm away and walking to the other side of the room.
"Sirius..." Remus growled. "I should have known he would have told you."
"No! It wasn't him!"
"Then who was it?" Remus was walking back and forth, very agitated.
Hermione took a deep breath. "It was...well, it was you." She realized how silly her words sounded.
Remus stopped his pacing and looked at her like she was mad. "I think I would have remembered that," he said sarcastically.
She shook her head. "You did tell me! It was three years ago."
He once again shot her that look. "You weren't here three years ago, Hera."
"I've attended Hogwarts since first year," she said. What was she getting herself into? Hermione knew that once she started telling her story she couldn't stop. But she didn't want to. She just had to tell someone. And of all the people in the past, she trusted Remus the most- not only to understand but also to keep quiet about it.
Remus was completely dumfounded. "But Dumbledore said that you were a new student this year. You couldn't have always attended. Did you look differently? Were you in another house?"
She shook her head. "I was exactly the same. But you..." she broke off.
"Hera," he came right up to her, placing a hand on her shoulder encouragingly. "You can tell me."
She tore her eyes off the ground and looked into his genuine face. "You might want to sit down, this will take awhile." Hermione took a deep breath and started to talk.
Almost an hour later, Remus looked at her in utter shock. "So you're from the future?" She nodded. "That is so cool!" Hermione laughed. He wrinkled his brow, deep in thought. "But it still doesn't explain why you can't be with James."
"Because I don't want to change the future, of course."
Remus still had a feeling that she was still hiding something. "But that's not true, otherwise why would you go out with Sirius? That would change the future as much as a relationship with James. It doesn't fit."
"I can't tell you!" she exclaimed. Hermione was convinced that she should not tell him about the futures of Lily, James, Peter, and Sirius. He would try to prevent it, tell the others, beat up Peter, or do something of the sort. It was way too risky.
Remus couldn't believe she was still holding back. "Hera...err...Hermione, you can tell me. I won't act any differently."
"Yes you will!" Hermione cried. "I know you will! I would if I were you. It's awful, Remus, just awful."
"I promise that I will keep the information between you and I, and not do anything to try to change the future." His eyes were too sincere for her to resist.
"Well, you know that friend who I was talking about: Harry?" Remus nodded. "Well, his full name is Harry Potter. He's James and Lily's son."
Remus's mouth hung open. "You're kidding me! James and Lily? No way!"
Hermione ignored his shock (it was quite expected) and continued. "You see, in the future there's this wizard, a very evil wizard who calls himself 'Voldemort.' He rises to power and just goes on a killing spree, murdering all kinds of witches and wizards and muggles. No one could stop him, not even the most powerful aurors. Everyone who crossed his path died. Everyone, that is, but Harry. One night Voldemort broke into James and Lily's house, and tired to cast the killing curse on baby Harry but it somehow rebounded. He wasn't killed, but almost all his power was gone, and his reign of terror was over, at least for the time being."
"Everyone who crosses his path dies?" Remus swallowed hard. "So...James and Lily...?" Hermione hung her head and nodded. His face twisted with sorrow. "What about Sirius?" he quietly asked, his voice cracking.
Hermione avoided his eyes. "Sirius was accused of giving information to Voldemort that led to their murders, and put in Azkaban."
This couldn't be... "Sirius? I don't believe it!"
"Of course you don't, because it's not true. He was innocent. Harry and I helped him escape during our third year." Hermione smiled at the memory.
"Well, if Sirius didn't do it, then who did?"
Hermione sighed. She had to tell him. "Remember that you said you wouldn't act any different around anyone else? Well you better keep that promise. It was Peter."
Silence filled the room. "I shoulda known," muttered Remus, "that little rat." He observed her worried expression. "Don't worry, I'll keep my promise. Besides, if I tried to save us I'd probably end up making things worse anyway. So you helped Sirius escape, eh? Has he given that Pettigrew what he deserves yet?"
"Ummm," Hermione didn't know how to say it. "Remus, I'm sorry, but Sirius was killed too, while protecting Harry. Bellatrix Lestrange, who you'll know as Bellatrix Black, murdered him."
"I saw it in her all along," Remus sighed, "there's no doubt that she has the power to kill without any remorse at all, and she's been seething ever since Sirius left the family."
"Getting back to the point," Hermione was eager to change the subject, "you see why I can't be with James. The whole world is at stake!"
Remus thought hard for a minute, then started to talk, "I don't know if that's true. Here's my reasoning: we can not intentionally do anything to save or change the future, or even to preserve it. We just have to live day by day-in the present."
"That's easy enough for you to say." Hermione started to cry. She had been doing that a lot lately. "But this isn't my present. The future is my present."
He sighed. "This is your present now, isn't it? In the end the decision is yours and only yours. But no matter what you end up deciding, I will support you one hundred percent."
"Oh Remus!" she threw her arms around him. "You're such a great friend!"
He returned the hug. "See, aren't you glad you told me?"
As stood in the middle of the room embracing, it had to be that exact moment that Lily chose to walk into the room. "Hera! Remus! What are you doing?"
"Just talking," Remus said quickly. "Hera was having problems dealing with her past...and future too," he threw her a wink. "Well, ladies, I'm turning in," he walked to the door. "What are you going to do, Hera?"
Hermione smiled. Even though everything was so uncertain, she felt assured. "I honestly don't know."
"Well, whatever your decision is, it will be the right one. No one controls your future but you." With another wink, he headed down the stairs. "Goodnight, ladies!" he called over his shoulder.
Lily was befuddled. "What was that all about?"
Hermione giggled and whapped her with a pillow. "None of your business, Evans."
After a vicious pillow fight, which was just what Hermione needed, she lay in bed reflecting on her conversation with Remus. In the still of the night, she made a decision. "There's no turning back now," Hermione whispered into her pillow as she drifted off to sleep.
"R-Remus?" Hermione was confused. She eyed him warily as she slowly backed towards the doorway. "What are you doing?" Her hand tightened around the knob, and she was ready to bolt if the need arose.
Remus took a step forward, extending his hand as if to stop her. "Hera, I just want to talk."
She regarded him, bewildered. "Why?" She had hardly talked to Remus, because everything about him reminded her of the future. He was exactly the same.
"Why?" he sounded slightly exasperated. "Because you're miserable, that's why."
"Say's who?" she retorted, angry at him for deciding how she felt.
"Says your eyes!" Remus was becoming irate. It was so obvious that she didn't have any feelings for Sirius, yet she continued their relationship and became confrontational when approached about it. "What are you doing with Sirius, anyway?"
"What do you mean?" she asked evasively as she warily took a seat on the edge of her bed.
"You know exactly what I mean," Remus sat across from her, resting his elbows on his knees and leaning in. "You're in love with James," he said accusingly.
Hermione gasped. Were her feelings really that evident?
"But it doesn't make sense," Remus continued. "What you're doing isn't even selfish; I can tell it's torture for you. The only one the situation really benefits is Sirius. So tell me why you stay with him."
She shook her head. "There's nothing to tell."
His eyes narrowed. "You're hiding something."
"No!" she abruptly stood, refusing to make eye contact. But she had to admit, "there's a lot you don't know about me, Remus."
He also stood. "Then tell me."
"I can't," she whispered, closing her eyes.
"Hera, we all have things to hide." He walked over and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "But it makes it so much better to talk about it. I held a secret inside myself for a long time when I first came to Hogwarts." He withdrew his hand and sat, looking contemplative. "I thought that I could never tell anyone, and it just ate me up inside. Finally I told James, Sirius, and Peter; it felt so good." He grinned. "Your problem is probably nothing compared to mine. You would never guess..."
"You're a werewolf." Oops. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Hermione regretted saying them.
"What!" Remus's eyes grew large, and he jumped to her feet, grabbing her wrist. "What did you say?"
"Nothing," she muttered, jerking her arm away and walking to the other side of the room.
"Sirius..." Remus growled. "I should have known he would have told you."
"No! It wasn't him!"
"Then who was it?" Remus was walking back and forth, very agitated.
Hermione took a deep breath. "It was...well, it was you." She realized how silly her words sounded.
Remus stopped his pacing and looked at her like she was mad. "I think I would have remembered that," he said sarcastically.
She shook her head. "You did tell me! It was three years ago."
He once again shot her that look. "You weren't here three years ago, Hera."
"I've attended Hogwarts since first year," she said. What was she getting herself into? Hermione knew that once she started telling her story she couldn't stop. But she didn't want to. She just had to tell someone. And of all the people in the past, she trusted Remus the most- not only to understand but also to keep quiet about it.
Remus was completely dumfounded. "But Dumbledore said that you were a new student this year. You couldn't have always attended. Did you look differently? Were you in another house?"
She shook her head. "I was exactly the same. But you..." she broke off.
"Hera," he came right up to her, placing a hand on her shoulder encouragingly. "You can tell me."
She tore her eyes off the ground and looked into his genuine face. "You might want to sit down, this will take awhile." Hermione took a deep breath and started to talk.
Almost an hour later, Remus looked at her in utter shock. "So you're from the future?" She nodded. "That is so cool!" Hermione laughed. He wrinkled his brow, deep in thought. "But it still doesn't explain why you can't be with James."
"Because I don't want to change the future, of course."
Remus still had a feeling that she was still hiding something. "But that's not true, otherwise why would you go out with Sirius? That would change the future as much as a relationship with James. It doesn't fit."
"I can't tell you!" she exclaimed. Hermione was convinced that she should not tell him about the futures of Lily, James, Peter, and Sirius. He would try to prevent it, tell the others, beat up Peter, or do something of the sort. It was way too risky.
Remus couldn't believe she was still holding back. "Hera...err...Hermione, you can tell me. I won't act any differently."
"Yes you will!" Hermione cried. "I know you will! I would if I were you. It's awful, Remus, just awful."
"I promise that I will keep the information between you and I, and not do anything to try to change the future." His eyes were too sincere for her to resist.
"Well, you know that friend who I was talking about: Harry?" Remus nodded. "Well, his full name is Harry Potter. He's James and Lily's son."
Remus's mouth hung open. "You're kidding me! James and Lily? No way!"
Hermione ignored his shock (it was quite expected) and continued. "You see, in the future there's this wizard, a very evil wizard who calls himself 'Voldemort.' He rises to power and just goes on a killing spree, murdering all kinds of witches and wizards and muggles. No one could stop him, not even the most powerful aurors. Everyone who crossed his path died. Everyone, that is, but Harry. One night Voldemort broke into James and Lily's house, and tired to cast the killing curse on baby Harry but it somehow rebounded. He wasn't killed, but almost all his power was gone, and his reign of terror was over, at least for the time being."
"Everyone who crosses his path dies?" Remus swallowed hard. "So...James and Lily...?" Hermione hung her head and nodded. His face twisted with sorrow. "What about Sirius?" he quietly asked, his voice cracking.
Hermione avoided his eyes. "Sirius was accused of giving information to Voldemort that led to their murders, and put in Azkaban."
This couldn't be... "Sirius? I don't believe it!"
"Of course you don't, because it's not true. He was innocent. Harry and I helped him escape during our third year." Hermione smiled at the memory.
"Well, if Sirius didn't do it, then who did?"
Hermione sighed. She had to tell him. "Remember that you said you wouldn't act any different around anyone else? Well you better keep that promise. It was Peter."
Silence filled the room. "I shoulda known," muttered Remus, "that little rat." He observed her worried expression. "Don't worry, I'll keep my promise. Besides, if I tried to save us I'd probably end up making things worse anyway. So you helped Sirius escape, eh? Has he given that Pettigrew what he deserves yet?"
"Ummm," Hermione didn't know how to say it. "Remus, I'm sorry, but Sirius was killed too, while protecting Harry. Bellatrix Lestrange, who you'll know as Bellatrix Black, murdered him."
"I saw it in her all along," Remus sighed, "there's no doubt that she has the power to kill without any remorse at all, and she's been seething ever since Sirius left the family."
"Getting back to the point," Hermione was eager to change the subject, "you see why I can't be with James. The whole world is at stake!"
Remus thought hard for a minute, then started to talk, "I don't know if that's true. Here's my reasoning: we can not intentionally do anything to save or change the future, or even to preserve it. We just have to live day by day-in the present."
"That's easy enough for you to say." Hermione started to cry. She had been doing that a lot lately. "But this isn't my present. The future is my present."
He sighed. "This is your present now, isn't it? In the end the decision is yours and only yours. But no matter what you end up deciding, I will support you one hundred percent."
"Oh Remus!" she threw her arms around him. "You're such a great friend!"
He returned the hug. "See, aren't you glad you told me?"
As stood in the middle of the room embracing, it had to be that exact moment that Lily chose to walk into the room. "Hera! Remus! What are you doing?"
"Just talking," Remus said quickly. "Hera was having problems dealing with her past...and future too," he threw her a wink. "Well, ladies, I'm turning in," he walked to the door. "What are you going to do, Hera?"
Hermione smiled. Even though everything was so uncertain, she felt assured. "I honestly don't know."
"Well, whatever your decision is, it will be the right one. No one controls your future but you." With another wink, he headed down the stairs. "Goodnight, ladies!" he called over his shoulder.
Lily was befuddled. "What was that all about?"
Hermione giggled and whapped her with a pillow. "None of your business, Evans."
After a vicious pillow fight, which was just what Hermione needed, she lay in bed reflecting on her conversation with Remus. In the still of the night, she made a decision. "There's no turning back now," Hermione whispered into her pillow as she drifted off to sleep.