AN: This story is the sequel to Bother. If you haven't read that you should because that's why I wrote it. This can be read alone if you REALLY want to but I personally think Bother is the better of the two. This is mostly Duo's inner monologue and angst. LOTS OF ANGST.
Missing
Duo gently traced shapes on the dewed glass. The moisture followed his fingers to pool at the tips. Then the droplets became too heavy and slid down the glass. There they joined with the collected water on the sill, merging with it. He looked out on the edge of the street; a mist hung heavy upon it. A small indent in the road had collected moisture into a puddle. However, a spot of oil hovered as a rainbow on the surface, unaccepted. Duo reached down to touch it, the substance coating his fingertips. It felt dirty, he could not bear to touch the window pane again.
Please, please forgive me
He raised his other hand, continuing the pattern. It traced the curved lines and sharp angles of the figure on the other side of the glass. Heero continued to sleep peacefully, unaware of the boy watching him from the wrong side of the window pane. Finishing his design he turned and began to walk away. 'I feel I've left something. But I know what it is. It's my life, how strange it is to walk away without it.'
But I won't be home again
His life was back in that house where Heero was sleeping. Heero had taken care of him, tried to keep him from getting lost. But you couldn't change who Heero was. He just didn't deal with emotions well in general. So Duo never really knew if what they had was worth anything.
Maybe someday you'll look up
Heero ignored him most of the time, unless he started to break down again. Even then he didn't always know what to do. He would get frustrated, even violent at times. Now that the war was over, he had to deal with his own demons.
And barely conscious you'll say to no one
Duo could just imagine when Heero woke up; he would go through his usual routine. He might not notice immediately that Duo was missing. Even if he did notice, Duo could not manage to think that he would care very much. Why should he care?
Isn't something missing?
The dark sky opened up, and then rain fell. Droplets slid down Duo's face. If they were tears, no one could tell.
You won't cry for my absence I know
He could not see any of the others looking for him. Though his mental condition had gotten more stable after the war it still wasn't enough to deal with society. He would sleep during the day, venturing out at night to walk through dimly lighted streets.
You've forgotten me long ago
He had not seen the other pilots for several months at least. None of them could bear to face the shadow of the laughing, smiling, young man that they once knew. They preferred to pretend that Duo did not exist. That the memories that they had of his happy mask was all there was to him.
Am I that unimportant?
Duo felt his soul plummet, and tried not to give in to the urge to descend into the pit of misery that waited for him. How could they just forget about him? 'Because they never cared.' A voice whispered in his ear, the tone of a lover's endearments.
Am I so insignificant?
Duo's steps faltered. 'They did care once. What happened?' The voice answered him with a promptness that belied how much he had thought of this before. 'They cared when you were the one who supported what they needed. Now you need the support, no longer a convenience for them.'
Isn't something missing?
He collapsed to his knees, saturated braid hitting his back with a wet 'smack'. He hugged himself, a weak semblance of comfort, a comfort that no one else would give.
Isn't someone missing me?
"Why?" his voice jerked out the words as the trembled on his lips. "I tried so hard for them. To keep them with me, that's all I wanted."
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now.
Duo rocked back and 'forth on the wet ground, trying to stop the emptiness that had been growing in his chest. He felt hollow, an ache in his chest eating his all his emotions and leaving despair. He pressed a hand to his curiously light ribs. More tears streaked down his face. "Heero…" he whispered. "I need something, I just don't know what."
Though I'm dying to know you love me
I'm all alone
'It doesn't matter.' He told himself. 'Just keep walking Duo. Its better that you just go off and die quietly. You'll cause less pain that way. No one will look for you.'
Isn't someone missing me?
Please, please forgive me
The streets Duo was walking down ran with collected rain. But as Duo looked down, the flowing water turned thick crimson. He held out a pale trembling hand and watched sanguine drops slide over pale skin. He looked up as buildings twisted, and his past stood before him. The faces of loved ones long gone, and of enemies swiftly cut down. They formed a long line on either side, quietly watching. He stumbled down the path, the faces of the dead streaked with the blood rain. At the end of the column waited two figures, burgundy flowed unhindered down faces devoid of all features. Of course he didn't remember them, they were long forgotten parents. He stumbled and fell to his knees, as he did, the figures turned and walked away. The other ghosts faded and the red slowly washed from the street, purifying everything but Duo's soul. '
But I won't be home again
"I can't live like this." He got to his feet again, remembering with a shudder the last time he had seen blood on skin like that. It had been recently. He had woken up during the evening, after sleeping all day. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he had walked into the bathroom, and come upon Heero. The Japanese boy was shirtless, his torso slashed and lacerated. Blood flowed freely from most of the wounds. Heero held a small razor in one limp hand. His head rested against the bathroom wall, he took no notice of Duo at all.
I know what you do to yourself
Duo had backed out of the room in terror, whimpering quietly. Heero still did not move. Duo felt panic building within his chest. He wanted to scream, to run, to curse. But all he could do was watch the blood ooze sluggishly from the wounds. Finally Heero had slumped to the floor, it was only then Duo found breath to scream.
I breathe deep and cry out.
Ever since then, Heero had not spoken a word to Duo; he hardly even looked at him. It was all Duo could do not to burst into tears. But he remembered the last time he had done that.
// The sound of a slap echoed through the small apartment. Duo looked up at Heero from the floor.
"He…Heero?" His voice trembled as the tears he had been unable to stop still poured down his cheeks.
"Stop it... stop crying. It's pathetic." Heero's voice was dispassionate as he glared down at Duo's sprawled form. "You do it again I'll slap you until you stop." Duo tried to stop the flow, sniffling and hiccupping. He was aware that he looked pathetic, aware he was weak.
"I'm sorry Heero." //
Duo knew it was wrong. It was wrong for Heero to treat him like that, wrong to Heero to treat himself the way he did. But it didn't matter, Duo no longer cared.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Several times Duo had thought of cutting himself like Heero did. But he could never bring himself to do it. He had shed enough blood in his life; he did not need to shed more. But as the dark hole inside him steadily grew bigger he found the temptation irresistible. Scanning the ground as he walked he saw what he was looking for. He picked up a piece of broken glass from the road. Extending one white forearm, he dug the glass down soft flesh, watching fascinated as it parted. Ruby gushed forward to fill the gap, spilling down the sides and dripping to the ground.
And if I bleed
I'll bleed knowing you don't care
Duo held onto the shard of glass as he continued his haltering steps, feeling the warm rush of blood running down his arm. He could feel the sun rising even though the sky was still dark with clouds. Usually he would be back to the apartment and asleep by now. But he didn't think he would ever sleep again now. At least, not a dreaming sleep. He could not bear waking after the sweet dreams that usually filled his head. The other pilots had always complained of nightmares that stalked them. Duo's slumber however was filled with happy hopeful images, things he knew would never happen. It made waking a torture.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Duo felt heat on his face as the sun began to disperse the clouds. He felt faint from exhaustion and some blood loss. His slow steps ground to a near halt, legs still valiantly trying to carry him. Then finally they failed all together and he crashed to the ground. As Duo's vision fuzzed, then faded he sent up a last plea that he would never wake.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something....
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'm dying to know you love me
I'm all alone
Duo's awareness came back to him slowly, sparked by faint murmurings close by. He tried to deny waking for as long as possible but his body disobeyed him. He slowly opened his eyes and blinked, waiting for them to adjust to the light. He was lying in bed, a bandage was wrapped about his arm, and an IV with fluids ran to his wrist. 'So I didn't die, again, I should be used to it now I suppose. I've never been able to manage it before.' Tears sprang to Duo's eyes. He was so caught up in his misery that he didn't hear the door open. Heero was almost to the bed before Duo realized he was there. Frantically the braided boy tried to get his tears under control. The bed dipped as Heero set his weight upon it. Duo closed his eyes and stiffened, waiting for the blow he knew would come. He flinched when he felt Heero's hand on his cheek. But the touch was gentle as a finger traced under his eyes, gathering the tears. Duo raised lids still gummy with too much sleep to look at Heero. Prussian blue eyes regarded him sadly.
"I'm sorry Duo, I've…..I really hurt you…I know that. I don't want you to forgive me. But….I want you to stay. Please Duo….stay for me…." Duo's stared almost in disbelief as Heero's voice wavered. He did not understand this.
"Why?" The tone was sharper than he had intended and Duo saw Heero physically wince. The other boy looked away, refusing to meet Duo's eyes.
"I….I need you. I'm still confused about…so many things. But Quatre says that I need to talk about it. He's worried about me, and about you. And I….don't want to stay alone. I….I missed you Duo." Duo was startled to see a tear run its way down Heero's face. Gathering his courage, he lifted Heero's chin and stared into his water filled eyes.
"It's ok to cry neh?" He whispered softly. Heero almost smiled.
"Eh…."
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Owari
AN: WHEW!!! That was long! *especially for me* Tell me if you liked it K? I think I might have just saturated this with too much angst but we'll find out. Jaa!