The expression in Heaven's eyes floored me and took my breath away. So long it had been since I last was drawn in by the magic of her shimmering crystal blue eyes, and yet as we stood still in this moment that we'd waited so long for, it felt as if we'd never parted. And I suppose in a way we never had and never would part, for we were connected so deeply in such an inexplicable and intimate way that no matter where we were in the world or how much distance and time was between us, I'd always feel Heaven's presence alive and intense in my heart. Just enough was there for me to never forget her, never let my passion for her be sated... yet too much to ever cease missing her, and wanting her, and crying at night when my arms were empty and longing for her warmth beside me.
"Troy," she whispered, the sound of it sending shivers coursing throughout my veins. "I... I was so afraid I'd missed you." Her voice was full of hesitant thrill and passion even as tears spilled from her eyes to roll slowly and silently down her cheeks. Her body tensed under my touch, a touch that burned and singed my hand with the extraordinary sensation of her skin against mine, and like a blazing fire, though I knew it inevitably would cause much harm, I could not help but touch it, caress it, as my own tears fell to match each of hers.
"I'm here."
I could hardly breathe and my chest constricted against the pounding of my heart within. Could she hear it, could she feel the vibrations of it in the air? It beat for her, only for her, and I wondered if hers stopped suddenly and let the life slip out of her, would mine follow?
Time stood still and so did we, her seated in the leather armchair, I perched behind her, so weary with my unsatisfied love that I nearly swooned and collapsed. What exquisite torment to simply look at her, to drink in those eyes, those lips, the way her hair flowed around her jeweled ears to lay beside my hand on her shoulder. She must truly have been from Heaven, for nothing on earth could ever be this wondrous to behold, this hypnotizing, this tantalizing.
But like that perfect place in the clouds, I was forbidden to have this woman. Such ecstasy was not meant for me. Save for me the dark recesses of hell, the rocky molten lava that would consume me, the demons that would peel the skin from my back with their tongues of fire - and still the pain would be nothing compared to all I've suffered living a life on earth without her.
I ripped my hand from her shoulder, afraid suddenly to be touching her, terrified of what a simple union of hand and shoulder could lead to. So much more I wanted to touch... the nape of her neck with my lips, her lustrous hair entwined in my fingers, the bare skin of her entire body pressed hungrily against mine. Oh, but none of this could not happen, no, not again, not ever again.
And perhaps she didn't want my touch any longer. What if the very sight of me planted a dark resentment in her heart? What if the memories of our love hurt her now, wounded her like I'd wounded her with my lies, my terrible, painful lies?
It was time to resolve it all, time, finally, to mend what I could of our broken love.
"Heaven," I said breathlessly. "Please don't speak until I'm finished with what I must say. There is so much I need to tell you... and yet I can think of nothing else to say but I love you. God, do I love you..."
I bowed my head and sighed, laden with fright, fraught with desire, filled with a hundred emotions that tangled and strangled me. Despite the nights I lay awake planning for this day, my words poured out of me in uncontrollable confusing chaos.
"Everything I told you the last time we met was a lie, a lie I thought then was necessary," I said with a desperate, melancholy tone. "In retrospect I realize what a horrible mistake that was, and if I could turn back time and erase all the pain I've caused, oh, I would without a second's thought. Heaven, please believe me... when I said I didn't love you, that was as far as possible from the truth."
My entire body quaked as I explained everything to her about the painting and why I told Heaven then that I didn't love her. She listened attentively but hid her emotions well behind a mask of stillness, so that I was tense throughout my confession, wondering if my words were reaching some part deep in her core that could never believe my love for her was not true.
Oh, but how could any part of her ever believe that? How could she forsake all the loving moments we shared at Farthy once upon a time when we weren't forbidden each other? How could she not believe the irrepressible truth in our nights of explosive passion? How could she not look into my eyes at this very moment and see the honesty of the tears coating them, slowly collecting at the rim until they made a jagged course down my face? It killed me to think she'd believed the lies I told her... and it hurt tenfold to know it was all my fault, all my fault.
When I finished my story I paused and let silence suffocate the atmosphere. All had been revealed, finally, and though it did feel as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, to replace it was another just as heavy. Now it was all out of my hands. Now fate was Heaven's to control, and I shuddered in terror that she would not believe me now, not believe the truth. A sob caught in my throat, a sob for all the pain she must have felt, all the pain I caused in my misguided attempt at avoiding the very agony we were now trapped in.
"Heaven," I whispered after a long hesitation. "Dear, dear Heaven. My heart aches knowing yours has been broken by my very hands. If you can't forgive me for what I've done, I will not blame you... for I cannot forgive myself. As long as you believe what I'm saying now, trust in my eternal love for you, I will leave you tonight and never return to hurt you with my presence again..."
My voice drifted off into nothingness and a great nervous shaking overwhelmed my form, brought on by the rapid pace of my heart as it awaited in knots for Heaven's response.
I was atop a cliff of unimaginable proportions, near to falling, and I waited, waited to discover if I would be caught by Heaven's loving trust and forgiveness, or if I would plummet with our falling tears to the dark unknown...
"Troy," she whispered, the sound of it sending shivers coursing throughout my veins. "I... I was so afraid I'd missed you." Her voice was full of hesitant thrill and passion even as tears spilled from her eyes to roll slowly and silently down her cheeks. Her body tensed under my touch, a touch that burned and singed my hand with the extraordinary sensation of her skin against mine, and like a blazing fire, though I knew it inevitably would cause much harm, I could not help but touch it, caress it, as my own tears fell to match each of hers.
"I'm here."
I could hardly breathe and my chest constricted against the pounding of my heart within. Could she hear it, could she feel the vibrations of it in the air? It beat for her, only for her, and I wondered if hers stopped suddenly and let the life slip out of her, would mine follow?
Time stood still and so did we, her seated in the leather armchair, I perched behind her, so weary with my unsatisfied love that I nearly swooned and collapsed. What exquisite torment to simply look at her, to drink in those eyes, those lips, the way her hair flowed around her jeweled ears to lay beside my hand on her shoulder. She must truly have been from Heaven, for nothing on earth could ever be this wondrous to behold, this hypnotizing, this tantalizing.
But like that perfect place in the clouds, I was forbidden to have this woman. Such ecstasy was not meant for me. Save for me the dark recesses of hell, the rocky molten lava that would consume me, the demons that would peel the skin from my back with their tongues of fire - and still the pain would be nothing compared to all I've suffered living a life on earth without her.
I ripped my hand from her shoulder, afraid suddenly to be touching her, terrified of what a simple union of hand and shoulder could lead to. So much more I wanted to touch... the nape of her neck with my lips, her lustrous hair entwined in my fingers, the bare skin of her entire body pressed hungrily against mine. Oh, but none of this could not happen, no, not again, not ever again.
And perhaps she didn't want my touch any longer. What if the very sight of me planted a dark resentment in her heart? What if the memories of our love hurt her now, wounded her like I'd wounded her with my lies, my terrible, painful lies?
It was time to resolve it all, time, finally, to mend what I could of our broken love.
"Heaven," I said breathlessly. "Please don't speak until I'm finished with what I must say. There is so much I need to tell you... and yet I can think of nothing else to say but I love you. God, do I love you..."
I bowed my head and sighed, laden with fright, fraught with desire, filled with a hundred emotions that tangled and strangled me. Despite the nights I lay awake planning for this day, my words poured out of me in uncontrollable confusing chaos.
"Everything I told you the last time we met was a lie, a lie I thought then was necessary," I said with a desperate, melancholy tone. "In retrospect I realize what a horrible mistake that was, and if I could turn back time and erase all the pain I've caused, oh, I would without a second's thought. Heaven, please believe me... when I said I didn't love you, that was as far as possible from the truth."
My entire body quaked as I explained everything to her about the painting and why I told Heaven then that I didn't love her. She listened attentively but hid her emotions well behind a mask of stillness, so that I was tense throughout my confession, wondering if my words were reaching some part deep in her core that could never believe my love for her was not true.
Oh, but how could any part of her ever believe that? How could she forsake all the loving moments we shared at Farthy once upon a time when we weren't forbidden each other? How could she not believe the irrepressible truth in our nights of explosive passion? How could she not look into my eyes at this very moment and see the honesty of the tears coating them, slowly collecting at the rim until they made a jagged course down my face? It killed me to think she'd believed the lies I told her... and it hurt tenfold to know it was all my fault, all my fault.
When I finished my story I paused and let silence suffocate the atmosphere. All had been revealed, finally, and though it did feel as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, to replace it was another just as heavy. Now it was all out of my hands. Now fate was Heaven's to control, and I shuddered in terror that she would not believe me now, not believe the truth. A sob caught in my throat, a sob for all the pain she must have felt, all the pain I caused in my misguided attempt at avoiding the very agony we were now trapped in.
"Heaven," I whispered after a long hesitation. "Dear, dear Heaven. My heart aches knowing yours has been broken by my very hands. If you can't forgive me for what I've done, I will not blame you... for I cannot forgive myself. As long as you believe what I'm saying now, trust in my eternal love for you, I will leave you tonight and never return to hurt you with my presence again..."
My voice drifted off into nothingness and a great nervous shaking overwhelmed my form, brought on by the rapid pace of my heart as it awaited in knots for Heaven's response.
I was atop a cliff of unimaginable proportions, near to falling, and I waited, waited to discover if I would be caught by Heaven's loving trust and forgiveness, or if I would plummet with our falling tears to the dark unknown...