Still Holding Out For You
By: Sailor Aurora Helios
Never thought I'd be in this place.
It's someone else's life I'm living.
Wish I were living a lie.
A restless sigh escaped past my lips; it was the only sound in the room except for the continual sound of the keys on the keyboard. It had been hours since I sat down and started my work. I'd been sitting there hacking, in search of even the smallest clue that would lead me to what I was searching for… what I'd been searching for forever it seemed.
"Damnit…" The soft curse escaped my lips as I glared in frustration at the screen. "God damn you." I murmured before falling silent as I bit my lip slightly. I pushed the laptop back a bit to rest my elbows on the desk and buried my face in my hands.
"Why do you have to do this to me? …Heero… what happened to you?" I whispered softly. I peeked through my fingers at the laptop that had once been Heero's staring longingly at it. I bit down on my lip hard enough to draw blood as I forced myself not to break.
"This isn't how I wanted to end up. This is a nightmare, and it's about damned time I woke up."
The hardest part is when the bough breaks,
Falling down and then forgiving.
As the words passed my lips a tear managed to escape and slowly trail down my cheek. I folded my arms on the table hiding my face away as more tears soon followed.
"A little over three or four years now; that's how long it's been isn't it? Fuck it, Heero. You're doing this on purpose aren't you?" I whispered. The silence around me was my only answer as more tears traveled down my cheeks. I closed my eyes with a tired sigh. How much longer can I last? I'm not sure, and I am pretty damn certain this whole ordeal is slowly driving me insane.
The war ended long ago but I don't give a damn, not any more. In my mind that night still replays in my mind. God damn, why did I have to say those things?
It was a little over three or four years ago today when it had happened. I will never forget the day; forever it's burned into my memory. I made such a mistake that day, and it seems I'll never get the chance to fix it.
You didn't kiss me goodbye.
I had gotten in an argument- no not an argument, Hell it was a huge fight, with Heero Yuy. Heero Yuy, pilot 01 of the Wing ZERO gundam, the (seemingly emotionless) 'Perfect Soldier'… the boyfriend and lover of yours truly, Duo Maxwell.
We had gotten together a few months earlier when the frustration of both of us thinking we'd never be able to have the other resulted in a fistfight and that was when Heero out of no where kissed me. It was our first kiss, the first of many and I'll never forget it.
Later on I had gotten in a fight with Heero; a very bad fight, we'd never gotten in a fight like that before. I can't even remember what the fight was over but I remember clearly the extremely cruel things I said to Heero. The momentary flicker of hurt that had flashed in those prussian blue eyes are clear in my mind like I had just seen them hours ago. I can feel my heart wretch in pain knowing my words had obviously deeply hurt the one I cared for more than anything. After I said those things Heero just turned and walked out of the room. Hours later he left on his mission without a word or glance at me, God forbid he'd at least give a chaste kiss goodbye.
…And that was always the worse possible thing some one could do. I know that all to well. I always made up with Heero usually shortly after an argument, and we never let each other leave on a mission without saying goodbye and an 'I love you' because there is always, always the possibility you'll get killed on your next mission. Though, I didn't worry too badly at first. What could kill the 'Perfect Soldier' after all? Nothing, right? So why should I worry? Heero would come home and we'd make up. Nothing could kill Heero Yuy… but Heero Yuy could turn up missing… and never be found.
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say,
And pray I get the chance one day.
I choked on a sob that I struggled to keep silent. The words were already on my tongue and were ever so slowly escaping in a hollow sounding whisper.
"I'm sorry." Only God knows how many times I've said those two words. Two simple words said of course much too late. Damn it, I don't know why I let him leave still angry at me. What makes this worse is… I don't even know if he's dead or alive. Fuck, it's been so long he's more than likely dead. I'm so damned morbid. Then again, I am Death, guess I got a reason to be morbid. I miss him so badly. I don't think anyone can ever understand how badly this hurts. If I could just find the smallest clue to tell me what happened maybe this would be easier but… Fuck, if only I had just one chance, just a chance to apologize —The door bell rang breaking my line of thought. Screw it, who ever it is will go away soon enough.
I still run.
I still swing open the door.
I still think you'll be there like before.
Seconds later I'm racing out of my room and down the hall. What if it was him? What if all this time he was trying to get back to me? He did that before, sort of, he didn't come home on time which is kind of unusual cause, well, it IS Heero after all, but anyways… I'm just starting to worry cause it's getting pretty late and by then it's hard to sleep without him by my side and… guess who comes walking in? I guess that's why I didn't worry on that last mission, I knew he'd come back to me like before. But this time, he never came back. Oh shit, what if it is him? I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. I try to calm down at least a bit as I nearly throw the door open… and standing there is some girl. Figures. Why the HELL did I get my hopes up? For all I know Heero's either dead or going by a different name with… someone else. Shit… I never thought of that before… I politely dismiss the girl; she was raising money for something or other I sort of wasn't listening.
Doesn't everybody out there,
Know to never come round?
Fuck.
Stupid girl. People should know by now just to leave me the Hell alone. I don't want to see them. They're just going to waste my time in the end, so why bother? God damn am I pathetic or what? Stupid people, people piss me off some times. They don't understand the Hell I've gone through. They don't understand the fact that I was never supposed to live through the war. I never wanted to come out alive at the end of this… until I met Heero. He gave me that little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe we could be something… if only just friends. Heero didn't intend on living through the war either; he never gave it a second though when a mission may involve taking his own life. Fuck, that always did scare me. I may not have intended to live through the war, but I wasn't suicidal. I just always assumed one day someone would land that fatal gunshot, or I'd fuck up a mission and die in battle or something. Then Heero kissed me for the first time, and I'm pretty damn sure from that moment on we both gave each other something to live for.
Some things a heart won't listen to,
I'm still holdin' out for you.
I should just give up. Heero's dead. What's the fucking point? That's the logic that goes through my head late at night when I can't sleep. The funny thing is, Heero isn't dead. At least, I want to think so. I think part of me knows it though. It's like; if Heero was dead I would just know. I would have felt it. I would have felt that emptiness. Back when I was a kid in Maxwell Church, when I stole that mobile suit to try to get them to leave the church alone I started to feel a slight empty feeling, a feeling of loss. When I finally got back, I found out Father Maxwell was dead and then Sister Helen died not long later. You see? It's like I felt it when Father Maxwell died, but I didn't feel that for Heero. So, Heero HAS to be alive somewhere. …Or maybe I'm just in denial. It wouldn't be too surprising.
I can hear you smile in the dark.
I can even feel your breathing.
The day light chases the ghosts.
Then again, late at night I can almost feel him beside me. I swear to God he's there smiling down at me, watching me sleep. He always used to watch me sleep. He'd wake up before the crack of dawn every day, and I of course slept in when I could and he'd just lie beside me, watching me as I sleep. I always knew. Some how I always know when someone is watching me while I'm asleep, just a trait I picked up at some point or other; I probably picked it up on the streets. I never realized how much I miss that. God I miss him so much. Heero…
But it's only late at night when I am half-asleep that that happens. As soon as the sun rises he's gone. Damn the sun. Damn day light; The Earth should stay dark forever. Yeah, really optimistic ain't I? Fuck, I don't give a shit. I want Heero to come back so badly; I'd give anything just to know he's ok.
I see your coat and I fall apart,
To those hints of you I'm clinging.
Now is when I need them the most.
Something caught my eye as I turned away from the door and of course I end up doing a double take. Heero's jacket still hung on by the door like it has been since he left. Yup, I'm still in the same safe house we were in when we got in that fight. Cautiously I reached out and let my fingers run over the material. My vision is blurred slightly as I try not to let myself cry again as I stare at the jacket. Snatching the jacket up I hug it close and lean against the wall before slowly sinking to my knees. Heero… I miss you so much… I buried my face in the jacket before letting myself cry. I sit there letting my self cry as I cling to the jacket almost desperately. I need him with me… I can't do this anymore. I miss him to much.
I should get up,
Dry my eyes and move ahead.
At least that's what you would have said.
'Baka.' His voice chided softly in my mind. I'm so pathetic. If Heero saw me like this he'd call me a baka. Then he'd pull me to feet and tell me to stop crying. Then I'd just throw my self at him and cry even harder as I hug him close and never would I let go. I won't lose him again, never again.
I still run.
I still swing open the door.
I still think you'll be there like before.
But he's not here. He's gone and probably never coming back. He's not going to ever come back. I have to live with that. I have to live with the fact that I'll never get a chance to say how sorry I am. God damn it all.
Doesn't everybody out there,
Know to never come round?
Some things a heart won't listen to,
I'm still holdin' out for you.
I don't think I can live with that. It hurts too much… why do these sort of things have to happen to me? Why do I always lose the people I care for? Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, and now Heero, why is it that I always have to lose them?
Faithfully I trace your name while you sleep.
It's the only true comfort I feel.
I still run.
I still swing open the door.
I still think you'll be there like before.
"Heero…" I sighed leaning my head back against the wall. There's always that chance he's still alive out there… somewhere… That's the only thought that's keeping me sane. That's the only thought that keeps me giving up on life entirely.
I still run.
I still swing open the door.
I still think you'll be there like before.
Doesn't everybody out there,
Know to never come round?
Some things a heart won't listen to,
I'm still holdin' out,
Out for you.
Where ever you are, Heero, I hope you know I will always be right here. I'll always be waiting for you. Heh, I don't think I can love anyone else the way I love you… You hold my heart and soul after all. So I'll just wait as long as I have to… for you to come back to me.
Holdin' out…
Holdin' out… For you…