WARNING~! THERE ARE SOME SORT OF DARK THEMES IN THIS STORY. That is
CUTTING. If you feel this would offend you in any way please don't continue
reading.
Disclaimer : Obviously NOT MINE! There are various fics out there involving cutting. Ms Rowling owns all harry potterish stuff. Any stuff you don't recognize is probably mine. My inspiration mainly comes from my own feelings.
Summary : A bit of a dark fic on Hermione's life. Her parents being perfectionists. Her obsession with blades and pins. And finding some one to mend the shattered pieces of her life.
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Wish I Couldn't Give Away
By Samantha Chadwick CHAPTER 1 - A Silver Star
The soft whistling of the wind could be heard just outside, mingled with the sounds of swaying trees, leaves singing their own delightful yet incomprehensible songs. A bird twittered absentmindedly. But the peace was brutally ruptured by the rather random inputs of the neighborhood dogs and their meaningless barking competitions.
She let out a long slow sigh. Almost as if trying to vent out her frustration without actually yelling at the top of her lungs for the dogs to shut up. They had ruined it. They always did. Those times when she could just forget it all and concentrate on the beauty of nature at its most serene.
She scrunched up her already closed eyes, then opened them with a sense of hopelessness. Staring out her bedroom window, past the oak tree's and towards the setting sun. Orange and pink splayed together with a hint of purple. ' Maybe there are some things worth living for' she whispered under her breath. She gazed down at her left wrist. The silver scar of a star glinted up at her. She traced the outline with one finger, remembering the time she had gone to far.
She had always had a strange, but comforting obsession for sharp things. Pins.needles.blades. She liked the feeling of running the point lightly up and down her skin. It almost tickled. She usually had the faint urge to just stab it into her. To feel the searing pain that she could imagine. But she always felt that along with that pain would come calmness over her whole body. That she would be able to let go of all her worries. She could imagine the great comfort that would follow that seemingly simple action. Yet. she always resisted. Almost as though she were saving that time for a special occasion.
That time had come 2 weeks ago. Her report had arrived. A long elegant piece of parchment with sprawling cursive writing, addressed to her Mother and Father. What had followed had been dreadful. She had been the first to find the large tawny barn owl with the parchment tied to its leg. She had recognized what it was the moment she laid eyes on it. With trembling fingers she had unwrapped the parchment. A high-pitched scream reverberated around the room, dying in her throat once she had realized that scream was issued from her. With a startled hoot the owl had soared out the window, and her father had ran into the room, puffing slightly. He roughly grabbed the parchment from her and skimmed it with beady eyes. What had once been a smile on his slips slowly twisted into a frown. What had followed was a stern lecture from her parents. Her father had slapped her across the cheek. " This year you WILL come first! We've done everything for you! All we ever wanted was for our daughter to be the best. And now that we cant have any more children you are our last hope. I hope your happy for all the pain you have caused us."
Then the guilt had set in. True, she had come first in 3 out of 8 classes. But that was nothing compared to the last 5 years, coming top of them all and getting over 100% in every test. It wasn't entirely her fault. But the fact still remained, she should have tried harder, worked harder, and strived to win. No matter coming 2nd in the other 4 classes, and scraping a 3rd in potions. She knew that she could have done it if she had put in the effort. She knew she was smarter then them all. It was a fact.
That night she had sat cross-legged on her bed, holding her dragon blade in her hand and watching the light reflect and shimmer off the surface. Her mind drifted from her relentless thoughts on her future, and her eyes subconsciously strayed to the reflection in the blade. She gazed into to two large cinnamon eyes, emotionless. almost as if the owner had died inside. She continued to stare in horror; her breath hitching as she slowly realized those eyes belonged to her. Maybe it was to prove top herself that she was still alive. maybe it was just her fascination with sharp objects. Whatever the reason, she quickly, yet slightly, slashed onto her upturned wrist. Random lines, that later took on the formation of a star.
Breathing heavily she watched the red welts, a single drop of blood trailing down her arm as she lifted it towards her face. The blade dropped to the ground with a soft thud. And Hermione suppressed a trembling sob, as she burst into tears. Gently rocking to and fro, matching the rhythm of the trees.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The carriage lurched forward, almost sending Hermione flying from her seat into the opposite wall. She grumbled as she righted herself once more and gazed out her compartment window, into the soft spluttering drizzle outside. It almost seemed as though the rain drops where in slow motion, floating down to the ground, before coming to a sudden stop with an audible splat. ' Just like me' she thought. Though her graceful journey had ended a year ago, and she was still lying on the floor of life. Shattered. Unmoving. Secretly praying to be evaporated and made whole again. But most wishes were pointless fantasies. And her soul continued to be stepped on again and again, by the careless feet of passer bys. Never wondering who or what they would hurt in their haste to continue their own mediocre lives. She only hoped that one-day, she would find the meaning of her own life.
She turned and observed the deserted compartment she was in. The plush benches on both sides, and polished wood. She had deliberately avoided Harry and Ron. Though she doubted they would notice her absence. They had started spending less and less time together over the last year. They were too preoccupied with quidditch and their girlfriends. She had in a way, been given the flick, like an old dog when a new puppy comes along. In this case. there were two.
She would have at least expected Harry to notice her change in demeanor. But he was in a world of his own. His world. His problems. Though she guessed she couldn't blame him too much with all the shit he had had to put up with. Ron on the other hand, had no excuse.
A sharp knock on the door brought Hermione out of her reverie and she almost jumped in shock when it slowly opened to reveal Professor Snape, sneering at her with disgust. Hermione simply turned a bland emotionless face towards him, clearly waiting for him to explain himself. He glowered slightly before spitting out something about their being a mistake over the holidays and the head boy and girl letters not being sent. Snape almost half expected her to be beaming at him, or jumping up and down in excitement (Which she had been known to do in previous years) , when she discovered what he was hinting at.
But the same unreadable face was looking, just over his right shoulder, almost as if she was bored. "Ahem" coughed Snape, sort of startled by the lack of reaction from the student in question. " That is to say. you are Head Girl this year." Hermione gazed up at him with a slightly puzzled face. "Oh." she whispered, so quietly that he almost didn't catch it. With raised eyebrows Snape exited the compartment, mumbling something about her receiving her badge and duties later that evening.
She supposed she should have done something. Perhaps jump up and hug Snape. Or maybe cry out in excitement. After all that was what she had been aiming for since she first read Hogwarts: A history. Head Girl. But to be honest, at this point in time she almost didn't give a damn. Maybe just to spite her parents, she had been slightly glad when the letter had not turned up with her school supplies list. But then the guilt started to leak back into her mind.
A heavy feeling settled into her head and heart as she remembered that they had beaten her. Tears welled up in her eyes, and a lump formed in her throat. She quickly shoved her hand into her pocket. searching. seeking out the comfort of the cool metal. She stroked the blade, letting out a little gasp as it cut into the soft flesh of her fore finger. She sighed as a feeling of reassurance swept over her. " This year", she murmured, " this year I will beat them all."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Draco stood just outside the open compartment, going unnoticed as he gazed in at the mudblood. He had heard her reaction to Snapes news, and was slightly surprised. He had, after all, expected her to be jumping up and down like a beaver and squealing like a pig. Instead, he stood there, minutes after Snape had left. Watching her eyes sparkle slightly, as they filled up with unshed tears.
He had been observing her over the past half year. And he had to admit. She had changed. Gone was the girl with the lazy grin, jumping up in class with her arm waving frantically if she knew an answer. No, she had sat there and watched the other students answer, looking slightly smug, but sorry, when they got it incorrect. Her eyes no longer glimmered with happiness, and she usually had a blank face. Emotionless. Like she had built a wall up around her self, protecting her self from the outside world. Or as if she just didn't give a damn any more. She spent more and more time on her own. In the library, or down by the lake. He had also noticed an unusual habit she had. She would usually hold a thumbtack in her hand, subconsciously pressing the tip of it against her thumb as she worked. He had noticed when he had once heard her yelp in Arithmancy. Everyone had looked at her whilst she held her hand. Draco, being on her left saw her put the thumbtack down before resuming with her work. He continued to check each lesson to see if she was holding one. And the scary thing was. she more often than not was.
Draco heard the shuffle of feet and the click of an apartment door sliding open. He hastily headed towards his own empty compartment. His mind whirling with thoughts about granger, her pins, and his own problems. ' I will figure her out some day' he muttered under his breath
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The train gave a soft hoot before slowly coming to a stop at Hogsmeade. Crookshanks mewed loudly until Hermione dragged herself up, grabbed her backpack and Crookshanks. And wandered out of her compartment towards the train exit. Draco trailed behind her, watching as she fidgeted with Crookshanks, trying to find an empty carriage. She finally found one at the back, and climbed in. Almost positive no one else would be joining her.
However, she was wrong. Draco waited a full 3 minutes before climbing into the carriage and sitting opposite Hermione. She looked at him with raised eyebrows, before turning and indifferent face towards the window, gazing out at the stars above. Her hand was in her pocket. Her fingers caressing the soft metal of the blade. She allowed her self a small ironic smile.
'I'm writing to you not to tell you, that I still hate you just to ask you how you feel.'
Draco watched her for a short while. He had an incomprehensible urge to say something. anything.
'Don't say a word I know you feel the same Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything Please don't walk away I know you wanna stay Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything.'
The trip to Hogwarts was silent. But there was no awkward silence. They both sort of felt. right. sitting together. Though none of them would ever admit it. Hermione's thoughts danced over the prospect of the coming year. And Draco observed Hermione, slightly amused., When the carriage came to a sudden stop She went flying into Draco who caught her gracefully. She was waiting for the bighting words to spurt out of his mouth, but looking up into his eyes she understood. There was no longer a malicious hate towards her. They locked eyes for a second. Before she swept out of the carriage, almost tripping over the last step. Draco let out a deep chuckle. And Hermione grumbled audibly. Yes something had definitely changed about the both of them. They started the trek up to the front doors of Hogwarts. Draco yet again trailing behind Hermione.
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Well that's the first chapter. Let me know what you think. I'll try and update a.s.a.p . sorry if the fic offends any one!
Disclaimer : Obviously NOT MINE! There are various fics out there involving cutting. Ms Rowling owns all harry potterish stuff. Any stuff you don't recognize is probably mine. My inspiration mainly comes from my own feelings.
Summary : A bit of a dark fic on Hermione's life. Her parents being perfectionists. Her obsession with blades and pins. And finding some one to mend the shattered pieces of her life.
+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+
Wish I Couldn't Give Away
By Samantha Chadwick CHAPTER 1 - A Silver Star
The soft whistling of the wind could be heard just outside, mingled with the sounds of swaying trees, leaves singing their own delightful yet incomprehensible songs. A bird twittered absentmindedly. But the peace was brutally ruptured by the rather random inputs of the neighborhood dogs and their meaningless barking competitions.
She let out a long slow sigh. Almost as if trying to vent out her frustration without actually yelling at the top of her lungs for the dogs to shut up. They had ruined it. They always did. Those times when she could just forget it all and concentrate on the beauty of nature at its most serene.
She scrunched up her already closed eyes, then opened them with a sense of hopelessness. Staring out her bedroom window, past the oak tree's and towards the setting sun. Orange and pink splayed together with a hint of purple. ' Maybe there are some things worth living for' she whispered under her breath. She gazed down at her left wrist. The silver scar of a star glinted up at her. She traced the outline with one finger, remembering the time she had gone to far.
She had always had a strange, but comforting obsession for sharp things. Pins.needles.blades. She liked the feeling of running the point lightly up and down her skin. It almost tickled. She usually had the faint urge to just stab it into her. To feel the searing pain that she could imagine. But she always felt that along with that pain would come calmness over her whole body. That she would be able to let go of all her worries. She could imagine the great comfort that would follow that seemingly simple action. Yet. she always resisted. Almost as though she were saving that time for a special occasion.
That time had come 2 weeks ago. Her report had arrived. A long elegant piece of parchment with sprawling cursive writing, addressed to her Mother and Father. What had followed had been dreadful. She had been the first to find the large tawny barn owl with the parchment tied to its leg. She had recognized what it was the moment she laid eyes on it. With trembling fingers she had unwrapped the parchment. A high-pitched scream reverberated around the room, dying in her throat once she had realized that scream was issued from her. With a startled hoot the owl had soared out the window, and her father had ran into the room, puffing slightly. He roughly grabbed the parchment from her and skimmed it with beady eyes. What had once been a smile on his slips slowly twisted into a frown. What had followed was a stern lecture from her parents. Her father had slapped her across the cheek. " This year you WILL come first! We've done everything for you! All we ever wanted was for our daughter to be the best. And now that we cant have any more children you are our last hope. I hope your happy for all the pain you have caused us."
Then the guilt had set in. True, she had come first in 3 out of 8 classes. But that was nothing compared to the last 5 years, coming top of them all and getting over 100% in every test. It wasn't entirely her fault. But the fact still remained, she should have tried harder, worked harder, and strived to win. No matter coming 2nd in the other 4 classes, and scraping a 3rd in potions. She knew that she could have done it if she had put in the effort. She knew she was smarter then them all. It was a fact.
That night she had sat cross-legged on her bed, holding her dragon blade in her hand and watching the light reflect and shimmer off the surface. Her mind drifted from her relentless thoughts on her future, and her eyes subconsciously strayed to the reflection in the blade. She gazed into to two large cinnamon eyes, emotionless. almost as if the owner had died inside. She continued to stare in horror; her breath hitching as she slowly realized those eyes belonged to her. Maybe it was to prove top herself that she was still alive. maybe it was just her fascination with sharp objects. Whatever the reason, she quickly, yet slightly, slashed onto her upturned wrist. Random lines, that later took on the formation of a star.
Breathing heavily she watched the red welts, a single drop of blood trailing down her arm as she lifted it towards her face. The blade dropped to the ground with a soft thud. And Hermione suppressed a trembling sob, as she burst into tears. Gently rocking to and fro, matching the rhythm of the trees.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The carriage lurched forward, almost sending Hermione flying from her seat into the opposite wall. She grumbled as she righted herself once more and gazed out her compartment window, into the soft spluttering drizzle outside. It almost seemed as though the rain drops where in slow motion, floating down to the ground, before coming to a sudden stop with an audible splat. ' Just like me' she thought. Though her graceful journey had ended a year ago, and she was still lying on the floor of life. Shattered. Unmoving. Secretly praying to be evaporated and made whole again. But most wishes were pointless fantasies. And her soul continued to be stepped on again and again, by the careless feet of passer bys. Never wondering who or what they would hurt in their haste to continue their own mediocre lives. She only hoped that one-day, she would find the meaning of her own life.
She turned and observed the deserted compartment she was in. The plush benches on both sides, and polished wood. She had deliberately avoided Harry and Ron. Though she doubted they would notice her absence. They had started spending less and less time together over the last year. They were too preoccupied with quidditch and their girlfriends. She had in a way, been given the flick, like an old dog when a new puppy comes along. In this case. there were two.
She would have at least expected Harry to notice her change in demeanor. But he was in a world of his own. His world. His problems. Though she guessed she couldn't blame him too much with all the shit he had had to put up with. Ron on the other hand, had no excuse.
A sharp knock on the door brought Hermione out of her reverie and she almost jumped in shock when it slowly opened to reveal Professor Snape, sneering at her with disgust. Hermione simply turned a bland emotionless face towards him, clearly waiting for him to explain himself. He glowered slightly before spitting out something about their being a mistake over the holidays and the head boy and girl letters not being sent. Snape almost half expected her to be beaming at him, or jumping up and down in excitement (Which she had been known to do in previous years) , when she discovered what he was hinting at.
But the same unreadable face was looking, just over his right shoulder, almost as if she was bored. "Ahem" coughed Snape, sort of startled by the lack of reaction from the student in question. " That is to say. you are Head Girl this year." Hermione gazed up at him with a slightly puzzled face. "Oh." she whispered, so quietly that he almost didn't catch it. With raised eyebrows Snape exited the compartment, mumbling something about her receiving her badge and duties later that evening.
She supposed she should have done something. Perhaps jump up and hug Snape. Or maybe cry out in excitement. After all that was what she had been aiming for since she first read Hogwarts: A history. Head Girl. But to be honest, at this point in time she almost didn't give a damn. Maybe just to spite her parents, she had been slightly glad when the letter had not turned up with her school supplies list. But then the guilt started to leak back into her mind.
A heavy feeling settled into her head and heart as she remembered that they had beaten her. Tears welled up in her eyes, and a lump formed in her throat. She quickly shoved her hand into her pocket. searching. seeking out the comfort of the cool metal. She stroked the blade, letting out a little gasp as it cut into the soft flesh of her fore finger. She sighed as a feeling of reassurance swept over her. " This year", she murmured, " this year I will beat them all."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Draco stood just outside the open compartment, going unnoticed as he gazed in at the mudblood. He had heard her reaction to Snapes news, and was slightly surprised. He had, after all, expected her to be jumping up and down like a beaver and squealing like a pig. Instead, he stood there, minutes after Snape had left. Watching her eyes sparkle slightly, as they filled up with unshed tears.
He had been observing her over the past half year. And he had to admit. She had changed. Gone was the girl with the lazy grin, jumping up in class with her arm waving frantically if she knew an answer. No, she had sat there and watched the other students answer, looking slightly smug, but sorry, when they got it incorrect. Her eyes no longer glimmered with happiness, and she usually had a blank face. Emotionless. Like she had built a wall up around her self, protecting her self from the outside world. Or as if she just didn't give a damn any more. She spent more and more time on her own. In the library, or down by the lake. He had also noticed an unusual habit she had. She would usually hold a thumbtack in her hand, subconsciously pressing the tip of it against her thumb as she worked. He had noticed when he had once heard her yelp in Arithmancy. Everyone had looked at her whilst she held her hand. Draco, being on her left saw her put the thumbtack down before resuming with her work. He continued to check each lesson to see if she was holding one. And the scary thing was. she more often than not was.
Draco heard the shuffle of feet and the click of an apartment door sliding open. He hastily headed towards his own empty compartment. His mind whirling with thoughts about granger, her pins, and his own problems. ' I will figure her out some day' he muttered under his breath
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The train gave a soft hoot before slowly coming to a stop at Hogsmeade. Crookshanks mewed loudly until Hermione dragged herself up, grabbed her backpack and Crookshanks. And wandered out of her compartment towards the train exit. Draco trailed behind her, watching as she fidgeted with Crookshanks, trying to find an empty carriage. She finally found one at the back, and climbed in. Almost positive no one else would be joining her.
However, she was wrong. Draco waited a full 3 minutes before climbing into the carriage and sitting opposite Hermione. She looked at him with raised eyebrows, before turning and indifferent face towards the window, gazing out at the stars above. Her hand was in her pocket. Her fingers caressing the soft metal of the blade. She allowed her self a small ironic smile.
'I'm writing to you not to tell you, that I still hate you just to ask you how you feel.'
Draco watched her for a short while. He had an incomprehensible urge to say something. anything.
'Don't say a word I know you feel the same Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything Please don't walk away I know you wanna stay Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything.'
The trip to Hogwarts was silent. But there was no awkward silence. They both sort of felt. right. sitting together. Though none of them would ever admit it. Hermione's thoughts danced over the prospect of the coming year. And Draco observed Hermione, slightly amused., When the carriage came to a sudden stop She went flying into Draco who caught her gracefully. She was waiting for the bighting words to spurt out of his mouth, but looking up into his eyes she understood. There was no longer a malicious hate towards her. They locked eyes for a second. Before she swept out of the carriage, almost tripping over the last step. Draco let out a deep chuckle. And Hermione grumbled audibly. Yes something had definitely changed about the both of them. They started the trek up to the front doors of Hogwarts. Draco yet again trailing behind Hermione.
+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+
Well that's the first chapter. Let me know what you think. I'll try and update a.s.a.p . sorry if the fic offends any one!