Disclaimer- I own nothing you recognize, M'kay?

Caution, this fic contains content that includes thongs, fat lecherous teahers, and the mention of cheesy B-movies and should not be viewed by anyone......wearing white laces in their shoes.

The four friends descended from herbology a little late that day. Prof. Sprout had insisted they get rid of 'the bacon smell' that Sirius's dead Mandellier had left behind.

"So Sirius, do you now realize my awesome goddess-like sex powers over women?"  James said rather pleased with himself over nothing in particular.

"Yeah James, we all saw the way Professor Sprout was eyeing your bum when you bent over to throw away those burnt leaves." Padfoot said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice to his cocky friend.

Remus and Peter snickered while James seemed to take his comment sincerely.

"It's a shame we have to go to potions then.  There's only a bunch of slutty Slytherins and a 400 pound pervert for James to woo." Remus muttered in his smart-alecky way.

"Nonsense, Remmie! There are plenty of plentiful women there!  There's Samantha, Diana, Jesse..."James started naming a whole list.

When he got into this mode his friends usually ignored him. 

"Isn't today Thursday?" Peter said yawning and slowing his step.

"Nora, Kacy..." James continued.

"Yeah, why?" Remus said also playing the 'ignore the James' game.

"Ooh, Kelly is one of the decent Slytherins..."

"Egg salad sandwiches at lunch today!"

"Pete, when will you figure out that eggs just aren't your thing?" Questioned Sirius referring to that fateful November day the previous year. 

"Last but not least, Evans," finished James sighing dreamily, "and of course Moony's girlfriend..."

"What?!" Remus exclaimed stopping in his tracks.

Halfway on the way down to potions Peter noticed a group of giggling Hufflepuff girls following in a close-knit group behind them.

"Hey...why are the Hufflepuffs following us? You said today was Thursday Padfoot! If it were they would be heading to McGonagall!" said Peter hastily worrying at the doubt of him getting an egg salad sandwich and ruining his stomach once again. "You've said it was Thursday for three days straight Padfoot! Where do the lies end?!" Peter demanded once again getting frantic.

Padfoot pried him off of his body and slapped him mercilessly.

"Get a hold of yourself man! You see what the eggs have done to you?"

"I-I-I'm okay..." Peter stuttered looking dazed.

"Prongsie, could you get rid of your fan club? There freaking out Peter."

"Why of course." James said. "Watch me in action guys."  He whispered as he turned around facing the girls. He flicked his hair to the side and ran his lanky fingers through his hair yet again.

"I call this charming grin #3." He whispered back o his friends.

James put on his very suggestive grin exposing his 'charming' teeth. 

"Now girls..."

There was a general misty sigh among the crowd.

"How do you expect me to become Head Boy if you keep doing this?  Dumbledore's sure to find out I'm keeping you ladies from making it to class sooner or later..."

Another sigh sounded and the leader of the James Potter stalker/fan club, Erin Meddows stepped from amongst the crowd.

"We wouldn't keep you from your dreams Jamie..." She said putting on her slutty/trademark smile.

"Yes, I yearn for my given title of Head Boy." James said emphasizing 'head' and giving it another meaning, causing an uproar of annoying high pitched giggles in the hallway as they scampered away whispering to each other frantically.

"Ewww... I didn't need to hear that." Remus said in disgust.

"You only heard it. Me and my overactive imagination are picturing it." Sirius groaned.

It took a while for Peter to register what they were talking about. Once he did his eyebrows shot up nearly disappearing in his pale hair.

"Ewwww! You mean- ugh!"

"You're not the only one imagining it Padfoot," James said proudly "Did you see the looks on their faces?  Honestly I bring so much joy to the world." he finished obviously pleased with himself.

"Padfoot, honestly, if his head got any bigger, I think it would burst!"

"Maybe we could help it along the way..."

"Got a safety pin?"

They finally reached the potions dungeons. The door was locked as it was every class period until the Potions Professor came stumbling out of the men's room with a lecherous grin on his face. They joined the group of slytherins and Gryfindors forming a line outside the door and James started looking eagerly around.

"You won't see Evans here yet James. I saw them go into the bathroom." Remus said smiling pleasantly.

"How do you know I was looking for her?" James said looking slightly embarrassed for probably the second time this year.

"It's obvious..."

James reduced his search to an occasional glance over his shoulder ever so often until he saw something. By this something wasn't Lily.

"Remus!" James hissed, "Look!" James said unbelieving.  He pointed off to the other side of the hall where Snape was blushing madly and chatting lowly in a seemingly pleasant conversation with...Remus's little sister. 

"No." Sirius said feeling more scandalized than Remus. It was pure knowledge to everyone that Sirius had a big thing Julia.

"Come on, there conversation looks harmless enough..." said Remus wanting to avoid confrontation outside of potions class, which everyone knew was Slytherin territory.

"Harmless?! Look at the way they're blushing! He's obviously saying thing that are...lewd and...Risqué." He whispered the last part in a dangerous tone.

"Risqué?" Peter questioned.

"McGonagall called me that once when she found this note I wrote to a fourth year." Sirius explained.

"Eww..."

"The point is you never know what Snivellus will dare to do next. He might just... claim her as some sex slave or burst in the Gryffindor common room and start ordering you around! You want that? Huh?" James said pounding his finger in Remus's chest with every word.

"...No..."Remus muttered slapping his finger away.

"Then let's get over there!" Sirius said dragging Remus by the arm behind him.

After they left Peter started reviewing his potions booklet as James peered down the hall.

"There they are!" James exclaimed happily.

"Err... who?" Said Peter not glancing up from his book.

"Who do you think? Quick give me the book! Get out my snitch! I'll impress her today..."

Meanwhile Sirius and Remus surrounded Snape on both sides so there was no way of escape.

"Oh great." Julia said sarcastically

"I-I was j-j-just..." stuttered Snape as he looked around frantically.

"Aha! He's nervous! Sure sign of guiltiness!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Remmie, what is your idiot friend babbling about now?" Julia sighed bored.

"Don't 'idiot friend' me! What are you doing talking to this-this-this...this?!" Remus said frantically pointing at Severus.

"He was talking about making you his sex slave or some other cruel and unusual punishment wasn't he?"  Sirius accused.

"I wasn't doing anything, Black!" Snape said getting his usual attitude back.

"Oh yeah? Then why were you blushing so much? Huh? Huh? Huh?!" Sirius said repeating James notion and stabbing Severus in the chest with his finger repeatedly.

"Knock it off!" Severus snarled.

He kept harassing Snape while Remus just looked on and turned to his sister.

"So, what were you talking about?" he questioned sternly.

"Even though this is none of your business I was simply asking Sevvie-"

"Please don't call him that."

"I call you Remmie."

"That's different; I'm not a slimy Slytherin waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on you."

"...You've been hanging around Siri too much."

Their conversation was interrupted however when Sirius's and Snape's conversation got a little out of control.

"...Really none of your business anyway Black!" Severus growled.

"Snivellus, she will always be my business!" Sirius raged back.

"...Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh no..." Faye sighed to her friends as they walked down the corridor towards potions.

"Oh what now?" Lynn questioned as she looked to where Faye was pointing.

"The morons seem to be at it again." Sunny sighed rolling her eyes.

"Which morons?" Lily enquired with her eyebrows beginning to crease.

"Well, first you got your little maniac stalker trying to take someone's eye out with that snitch..." Lynn said motioning to James who was indeed chasing blindly after a speeding snitch in a crowded hallway with his nose stuck in a thick potions book, taking quick glances to see if Lily was looking.

"And here you have the idiot man-whore and his daily Snape bashing ritual." Lynn finished pointing to where Sirius was shaking Snape like a helpless rag doll while Remus was shaking his head next to Julia who was screeching and beating Sirius on the back of his head with a Transfiguration book.

Lily sighed and set off to bring peace... yet again.

"Wait Lils," Lynn started.

Lily paused and spun around to face her friends.

"Maybe you should let Jules get at Sirius a little bit longer. You know, until we see some blood."

"I'm getting too old for this." Remus muttered. He watched on as Sirius continued to thrash Snape about while his poor sister thrashed him. He decided to take action then.  He removed his thickest school book from the sack he was carrying and walked over to Jules...

"Is she watching Wormtail?" James hissed while making a quick swipe at the snitch that had just grazed Kevin Gregory's cheek.

"Err...does scowling count?" Peter muttered.

James seemed to ignore this.

"Now she'll see that I have athletics, beauty and brains." He whispered holding up the book.

"Jules stop!" Remus shouted.

"Why should I? He's hurting him."

"Padfoot has a head like a rock. To get his attention you have to knock him hard, like this!" He demonstrated smacking Sirius square on the back of his head. As a result he immediately sent Snape sliding down the hall and turned to face Remus.

"...Ow! What'd you do that for Moony? We were just talking!?"

"Ooh! Remus, why can't you and your evil friends just leave me and Severus alone!?" Julia shouted at a now hurt Remus. Being the sensitive  person he was he hated when his sister was mad at him, very unlike Sirius who wouldn't give a rat's ass if his brother Randolphus Black shouted at the top of his lungs that he wanted to chop him up in his sleep and then feed him to homeless dogs.

Severus's head slammed into the closed Potions door and he quickly stumbled to his feet. All the Gryffindors and even some of the Slytherins were laughing gallantly at him. But James Potter was so involved in his attempt to impress Lily he didn't even notice where he was flailing after the snitch and sipped in a slimy trail of grease that Snape had left behind on his 'trip' down the hallway.

"Okay...now you can go Lils." Faye said seeing that Lynn was now satisfied with Sirius's injury.

"Yes, go fulfill your prefect duties." Sunny said airily fanning Lily off.

"Gee, thanks for the permission guys." Lily said sarcastically walking off over to /James who was still on his back looking at the ceiling apparently in shock. 

Sunny, Lynn, and Faye followed Lily as she went towards James. Lily stood over him and looked down. James looked up and grinned widely as he crossed his legs.

"Hey Evans." He tried to say coolly.

Peter and Sirius ran to James's side just in case they were going to pounce on him. Remus followed the suit but his sleeve was seized by his fifth roommate Kevin Gregory.  Kevin was an odd guy by all means as he was always cheerful and almost never spoke but sung. It was easy for Remus to communicate with him all the same though.

"Hey Jude," Kevin started.

"Err... hi Kevin."

"Don't make it bad, take a sad song," He pointed over to where Julia was storming off in a fury, "and make it better," he motioned for Remus to smile, "Remember, to let him into your heart," he then pointed to Severus who had resumed scowling at the world, "Then you can start to make it better." He finished.

Sirius just looked at Kevin, Remus, and back at Kevin, obviously not understanding what the hell Kevin just said. Remus sighed.

"I guess you're right. I should at least try to understand Jules and her freaky obsession with Snape. That would make things better between us... thanks Kev." Remus walked off and joined Peter who was watching while James tried unsuccessfully to sweet talk Lily on his back. Sirius stayed back and stared at Kevin.

"What-how-you...? How the hell did Remus get all of that out of...oh never mind..." He sputtered stalking off.  It always confused Sirius that everyone except him seems to understand Kevin's random spurting of music and the fact that nobody except him found it weird.

"Potter, get up. Don't you know you could've taken an eye out with that thing?" Lily said pointing at the snitch that was buzzing merrily around her head. "Now catch this blasted thing before I report you to McGonagall for practicing sports inside the building!"

"I'll get up, but I have one question." James reasoned.

"No I won't go on a date with you!" Lily growled through clenched teeth.

"Not that," James said pushing his head farther towards Lily's feet and peering under Lily's skirt which was only half covered by her opened robe. "My question is do you wear a thong every day?" James said with a mirthful grin on his face.

Lily screeched and backed away from James in a full blush.

"Why...you..." She growled unable to get full sentences out.

"Don't get me wrong," James said still on the floor waving his hands frantically at Lily. "I enjoy the breeze while wearing the occasional thong too...well mine's a man thong in a way and mine isn't pink...but it's a thong all the same!  See? Were alike, you and me." James smiled, pleased with himself on finding common ground with Lily.

Lily thrashed out to attack James only to find herself being restrained by Remus and Sirius. Peter just cowered in a corner somewhere.

"Now Lily...try to come down Prongsie hear doesn't mean it, he was just joking..."Sirius laughed while trying with much difficulty to restrain a very lively Miss Evans.

"Yeah Lil," Remus started, "We all know your not wearing a thong..."

"If you guys don believe me take a gander up there yourself!" James said now in hysterics on the ground.

"Hurry Professor Chester! Someone may get hurt." Peter said quietly referring to the giant blob that was taking his time waddling down the hall to his classroom.

"Evans! Remember you're a prefect! You're always telling me that, look at yourself! Trying to attack the house idiot, when you know he knows no better! Shame on you." Remus said turning her loose and shaking a disapproving finger at her.

"House idiot?" James questioned.

"I guess you're right Remus...I'll try to control myself...no matter how much of an ass potter is..." Lily muttered to herself.

"Good." Remus said undoubtedly pleased with himself.

"That's right Lils you control yourself. I'll get him for you!" Lynn said cheerily.

"What do you- OW! You evil whore!" James screeched clutching his crotch where Lynn had just laid the assaulting blow with her foot.

James laid in a heap on the floor and whimpered swear words under his breath.

"This way everyone's happy." Sunny said clapping Lily and Lynn on the backs.

Peter, Sirius, and Remus looked on at their agonizing friend.

"Wow...first the castrating owl thing and now this." Peter said pointing at James, writhing in pain on the floor.

"Is it just me or does Moony's girlfriend have a deadly obsession with the harming of balls?" Sirius said in wonderment.

"You don't know the half of it." Remus whispered.

Professor Chester finally came to the door looking at the scene in front of him.  Professor Chester was a terribly obese and perverted man who's sole purpose to teach potions was to stare at the girls and harass the 'pretty boys' as he called them. Remus had a theory that Chester had been a rather... homely adolescent which caused him to hold a grudge against decent looking boys now ("That explains why he loves Snape so much..."-Padfoot)  Professor Chester would sit at his desk for half of the period staring at girls with his beady eyes and  drool falling down his many chins. The rest of the period he would walk around poking fun at the decent looking boys of the class and hand out random points to most girls who grinned at him. Yet even though he was a lecherous slob, the man knew his potions.

He stroked his balding red head and looked down at James.

"Who here gave the pretty boy a knock in the groin?" He questioned licking the built up spit from the creases of his mouth.

"She did." Remus said slowly pointing at Lynn.

"Ooh...Lysandra Rivers just earned Gryffindor 5 points!" He said stepping over James to let the class in.

"What?!" James screeched as Sirius helped him to his feet.

"Ah, get over it Mickey blue eyes!"

"My eyes are hazel and my name is James you fat...jerk." James whispered under his breath.

"You better be quiet..." He whispered down in James face splattering spit over him, "Potter."

Sirius, Remus, and Peter steered James into the class before he could retaliate. Remus read the instructions and a lecture on shrinking potions were already printed on the board. Chester usually wrote everything worth saying on the board before class so he could have more time behind his desk to watch the class's movements.

"'Break into groups of three and get started on the shrinking potions.  Have enough sense to read my lecture first though...' "

"Pretty boys 1 and 2," he said referring to Sirius and Remus, "Mickey Blue Eyes," he said grinning snidely at James who just scowled in return, "and...Pettigrew split up." He finished and took a seat to begin scoping out various females.

James immediately flocked to Lily who was already paired up with a shaggy looking Gryffindor named Tad, much to Lily's demise. Peter grouped with two intimidating looking Slytherins, Snape and Victor Avery, who were seated in the back. Sirius disregarded Chester's order and made a grab for Remus's arm which was already being pulled in one direction by Lynn.

"Oh super." Muttered Sirius

"Moony, tell your girlfriend to stop cutting the newt tail so small." Sirius whispered.

Remus rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Lynn stop cutting th-"

"Remmie, tell your friend that Professor Chester specifically wrote that the tail should be sliced this size."

"Sirius Prof-"

"Hey! Quit yapping Pretty Boy #2." Professor Chester said scowling towards him and then returned to criticizing Pretty boy #7's (A Slytherin named Daniel Williams) potion.

Remus gave both Sirius and Lynn a warning glare and then resumed his work. After a few minutes, Sirius tried to strike up conversation again.

"Hey, Remus aren't you even curious as to what my-"

"No."

"You didn't let me finish!"

"Five points from Gryffindor because pretty boys one and two can't keep their mouths close." Professor Chester said before resuming trying to convince a table of Slytherin girls to take off their cloaks.

"As I was saying...don't you wanna know about my plan?" Sirius questioned eagerly.  Sirius couldn't keep a secret if his life depended on it so Remus knew what pain it was causing him to keep his plan to himself until lunch time.

"What plan Sirius?" Remus said motioning at Lynn so Sirius would get the point.

"You know-"

"Make that ten points!" Professor Chester bellowed.

"The one with James?" Sirius continued unfazed by Professor Chester.

"You know we decided to give up. James didn't want our help remember?" Remus said nodding his head urgently towards Lynn trying to tell Sirius not to blab in front of her.

Meanwhile at Lily, James, and Tad's table James was trying to show off his extensive knowledge at potions.

"Hey Chad, pass me that asphodel will ya?" James said deftly chopping the newt tail.

"My name's Tad." Tad muttered handing him the plant.

"Yeah whatever." James said looking up to see if Lily was watching him.

"Potter we all have to work on the potion or we don't get credit. Hand me the asphodel." Lily voiced sternly.

"Evans, you know Chester would never deny you of your credit so the only one who should be complaining about my...bodacious potion skills is Brad here."

"My name's Tad." Tad said groggily before putting his head back on the desk.

"Yeah whatever."

"Is bodacious even a word?"

"Doesn't matter." James said returning his attention to the potion.

Lily sighed loudly and slumped in her chair. She looked over to Tad who was attempting to retrieve the powdered snake fang from the top shelf of the cabinet.  Lily went over to prevent the other potion ingredients from falling on him.

"Watch out Tad." She whispered shoving the contents of the top shelf back into its place.

"Thanks Lil." He muttered sheepishly and blushed. James had stopped stirring the potion and was watching them across the room with a hurt look on his face.

The large sack of powdered snake fangs toppled over and fell into Tad's shaggy strawberry blonde hair covering it completely in the dusty white powder.  Lily giggled as Tad attempted to shake his hair free of the mess like a dog would, and she dusted some from his cheeks.

'Stupid Cad or whatever his name is... that should be me...' James thought to himself. 'I'll get back at him...' He resumed stirring the potion angrily.

After being chewed out by Professor Chester, Lily and Tad returned to the table with a small portion of powdered snake fang.

"Good, Shad-"

"Tad." Lily corrected James.

"Whatever." James muttered through clenched teeth. "Pour the powdered snake fang in the potion."

"What? I thought you were going to do the potion yourself..."Tad said looking suspiciously between James and the potion.

"But you're my partner. Now get over here and pour the crap in."

"Well... okay..." Tad got next to James to pour in the powder. All very swiftly James had tipped over the bubbling cauldron into Tad's lap and he began to shrink at such a fast rate.

"Oh I'm so sorry Tad!" James shouted, not looking a bit sorry.

"Potter, what is wrong with you?"

Tad who had shrunken to the size of an ant appeared to be jumping up and down making little chattering noises. Lily lifted him on her finger and placed him on the table.

"Mickey Blue Eyes what did you do now?" Professor Chester waddled over to them disgruntled.

James smirked mirthfully.

"It was an accident."

As the bell rang for lunch everybody bustled out of the room glad to be away from the musty fumes of potions.  Everybody except James that is.  Professor Chester had demanded he stay behind and scrub cauldrons for the whole lunch period.  Sirius didn't mind it in the least though.  This would be perfect so James couldn't find out about his plan.

"Remus, Remus, Remus! Come on let me tell you how I got the idea for it!" Sirius bounced around Remus in the great hall.

"Yeah Moony, Sirius is gonna tell us now. Pay attention." Peter said spraying Remus with bits of his egg salad sandwich as he spoke.

Remus wiped his face in disgust. "Fine. But remember I'm only here to keep you from doing something stupid."

"Whatever. Okay..." Sirius's voice got really low. "You guys remember that movie we saw over James's house this summer?"

"No, no, no. We are not doing something you saw in a movie!" Remus said sternly.

"It's not like that Remus, it was a good movie!" Said Sirius defending himself.

"Oh really?" Remus said sarcastically.

"Yes! That movie with the guy-"

"You mean that musical with the transvestite that created a man to fulfill his...pleasures?" Peter questioned enthusiastically.

Remus and Sirius just looked at Peter as if he'd lost your mind.

"No!" Sirius said. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted... I saw this cheesy muggle romance movie where this guy was a real asshole-"

"There's a good start." Remus said quietly.

"A real asshole that always got his way that was in love with this real groovy chick that hated him..."

"What's the name of this movie?"

"I dunno, some crappy B-movie... anyway the asshole kept talking and going on about this girl so his friends sent him to a psychiatrist and then he told him to write down how he feels so he does and his stupid fat roommate-" "That can be you Peter." "He accidentally sends the letter to the girl and then she reads them and she falls madly in love with the person and through a series of comedic events she finally finds out the guys not such an asshole and in the end they all end up owning a disco/ranch in Texas." Sirius said in one breath. "Why do all B-movies end that way?" Remus wondered to himself. "So you're saying we should send James to a psychiatrist?" Peter suggested.

"No. He's saying we should get a disco/ranch in Texas." Remus said sarcastically.

"I'm saying we should write a romantic love letter to Lily and say it's from a secret admirer and when she ends up falling madly in love with him we can tell her it James and she'll be like 'I'm just soooo happy! I knew really really, really deep down he was a good guy!' "Sirius said in a high girlish voice.

"That's a great idea! I could have never thought of that!" Peter exclaimed.

"What did I tell you about being a kiss-ass Peter?"

"Sorry, Padfoot."

"Wait, wait, wait...who are we gonna get to write these romantic love letters?" Remus questioned grinning.

"Who do you think?" Sirius questioned with a grin. "Me of course."

AN- Thanx for all the reviews guys! They really motivated me to get off my lazy bum and keep writing... Keep the reviews coming and you should expect the next chapter really soon. Oh yeah... the song Hey Jude belongs to the Beatles.

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