Disclaimer- I own nothing...honestly though, does anyone who could actually sue me for writing about Harry Potter read this?
Sirius Black paced back and forth around his five bed dormitory checking his wristwatch every five or so seconds. His last class of the day, Transfiguration, had just ended and he had already sent Peter, James, and Remus off to dinner. Of course Peter and Remus found it suspicious when Sirius the infamous glutton claimed he wasn't hungry. Sirius, oblivious to James standing right next to them, just gave Remus a look that said 'trust me.'
His first few minutes alone Sirius had tried a flock of attempts to start a love letter to Lily similar to the one that was written in his ridiculous B-movie, but that led to nothing except a wastebasket full of parchments that had cheesy one liners on them like 'Hey baby, you've got a nice set of legs and I was just wondering what time they open...' or 'You look like a long cool drink and guess what? I'm thirsty!'
"Ugh! If I wanted trash like that I could've asked James to write this himself..." he had muttered to himself grudgingly. That's when he decided to call in some experts on romance and other kinds of mushy stuff girls would love.
This meant he had the choices of A: Crawling back to Remus whining about he was wrong after all and saying he couldn't write the letter without help ("Ha! Like I, the Great and Noble Padfoot could ever be wrong!"), B: Consulting Kevin Gregory, who always seem to be sprouting some kind of-("Stop right there, I am not consulting that weirdo!"), or C: Getting a 'sensitivity lesson' from very willing fourth year girls. ("Bingo!") Needless to say, Sirius chose plan C.
Suddenly there was a sharp rap on the door and a swarm of giggling and squealing. Sirius closed his eyes tight and braced himself before opening the door.
"Remember," he whispered to himself, "It's for Prongs."
"You guys, give it up. What are you planning?" James said to his two remaining friends while constructing a snitch in his mashed potatoes.
Peter's head shot up and Remus looked mildly alarmed.
"Err... what are you talking about?" Remus squeaked out hastily loosening the neckline of his sweater.
"Yeah, Padfoot's not writing anything-" Peter started before Remus jabbed him in the back with his fork.
"Eat your beans Wormtail!" Remus warned.
"You guys can't fool me! Your planning my birthday prank aren't you?" James exclaimed cheerily.
The Marauders had a tradition that on every one of thiers birthday the other three would surprise him by pulling off a more hilarious than the average prank. Three months ago, when it was Padfoot's birthday, James, Remus, and Peter had put a potion in the Slytherin's food that had caused them to go in 'hippy mode' (as James called it) during breakfast. They had been stuck wearing tie dye, singing about love and piece, and babbling about the evils of "The Man" for days. McGonagall had only forced them to end the spell when Snape led a streaking rally during the Quidditch game. Sirius had promised to out do James this year.
"Err... yeah your birthday, isn't that right Peter?" Remus said nudging Peter rapidly.
"Birthday?"
"Yes, birthday."
"I knew it!" James exclaimed, getting up to go. "Oh yeah, by the way," he whispered into Remus's ear. "Anything and I mean anything concerning Evans is gold..." James finished, winking as he walked out of the Great Hall claiming he was going to get some fresh air.
"Man, Prongs must have some imagination if he thinks..." Remus mumbled and trailed off.
"You know, I would like to see that too, the cake thing..." Peter voiced aloud.
"...I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear tha-Aah!" Remus exclaimed in surprise as an owl fluttered on his head.
"Remus, that's Lynn's owl!" Peter hissed.
"Well will you help me pry it off of my head?" Remus said reaching up to the owl only to draw his hands back quickly from the snapping owl.
"Uh uh." Peter said shaking his head fiercely and shielding his crotch with his hands.
"Oh great," Remus said to himself, "I've got a psycho, castrating owl stuck to my head now... just great..."
"I err... think it likes you Moony." said Peter trying to lighten the situation.
"It's ripping out my hair!"
"That's it way of...hugging you?" Peter suggested returning to his beans and grilled chicken.
The owl cooed merrily.
"Oh, will you at least give me my letter?" Remus pleaded.
The owl dropped a rolled up piece of parchment in Remus's salad.
"Gee whiz, thanks." Remus said scathingly to the fowl, which just fastened its claws in his hair again. Remus unrolled the parchment slowly fearing any swift movement would set off the owl.
Dear Remmie,
Sorry I couldn't meet you for dinner in the kitchens like I promised, but I'll make it up to you when we go to Hogsmeade on Saturday, kay? Great, I'll see you at detention tonight.
Love,
Your Sweet Dearest Lynn
"Detention?" Peter questioned, "What has Lynn done to get detention?"
"You mean what Peatree has done," Remus said pointing to the squatting owl on his head. "Last year, it seems Peatree had gotten into a tiff with Filch's cat, Mr. Norris-"
"You mean Mrs. Norris, right?" Peter said meekly.
"Well, it's a Mrs. Norris now in a way..." Remus trailed off.
"You mean it-"
"Yup. I guess Peatree wanted to try out her new skill." Remus said solemnly.
Peter made a strange yelping noise and shielded his crotch from Peatree yet again.
"Long story short, Filch saw them squabbling and trailed Peatree back to Lynn and gave her- dig this, a year worth of detentions. This must be her time with Chester because she'll be with us tonight..."
"Ooh...Padfoot won't like that..."
Meanwhile, James was having quite the time strolling about on the Hogwarts grounds getting his 'fresh air'. He hid in a few bushes as he peered across the lake at Lily Evans on a picnic with her closest friends Lynn, Faye, and Sunny. He strained to listen in on their conversation.
"Lynn, I can't believe all this food you told the house elves to make!" said Sunny munching on a chicken wing.
"Poor things... it must be horrible being slaves... I heard the school doesn't even pay them!" Lily exclaimed slightly devastated.
"Aw, they like the work. I have about three of these at home and they basically beg for me to mess up the house just so they can 'please master'..." Faye explained. "Hey Lynn where'd you hide the pumpkin pie?" she said rummaging through the picnic basket.
"Back, piggy!" Lynn demanded smacking Faye's hands with a spoon.
"Well...how did you even find the kitchens? It's off bounds to students!" said Lily still searching for something too disapprove about the ill gotten goods.
"Ooh! You got some Honeydukes Finest Chocolate!" Sunny said excitedly joining Faye on her search through the picnic basket.
"You can thank Remus for that." Lynn said grinning contently.
"For the chocolate or the directions to the kitchens?" Lily questioned finally beginning to enjoy the feast along with her friends.
"Both." Lynn said grinning slyly.
'Oh great, a quick nibble on the ear and Moony is out blabbing all our secrets to the evil temptress!' James thought seething.
James decided to get a closer look on things. He emerged silently from his refuge under the bushes and transformed speedily into his animagus form, a stag. He began to walk slowly towards them. This did not go undetected by the girls though.
"Hey guys, look at that!" Sunny said airily pointing to the creature swaggering towards them. It was a mighty creature with course dark brown fur that ran all over his body and darker fur that seem to frame around his eyes.
"It's a deer!" Faye said.
"Oh thank you Professor State-the-obvious..."Sunny replied rolling her eyes.
"It's a stag, actually..." Lily said knowledgably.
Sunny and Faye looked at her strangely.
"And why, pray tell, would you be looking there Miss Evans?" Sunny questions with a sly grin.
"Get your minds out the gutter, I meant female deer don't have antlers..." she replied blushing lightly.
"Stag, eh?" Lynn smiled to herself remembering what Remus had told her about two months ago...
'I wonder...' she thought.
"Let's get him over here." Sunny said excitedly.
"Why? I'm not giving it a piece of pie..." Faye muttered.
"Oh Faye... you act more like your stupid boyfriend every day..." Sunny whispered.
"Sirius is not my boyfriend!" Faye hissed in response.
"How'd you know I was talking about him then?"
"Oh shut up."
Lily ignored them both and approached the 'stag' cautiously. She extended her hand slowly towards it.
"Here little guy...come here...no one's gonna hurt you little guy..." She whispered approaching.
'Who's she calling little?' James thought smugly. He crept to her and began licking her hand frantically.
"Oh, he's so friendly!" Lily gushed, her emerald eyes shining brightly with affection towards the beast.
"That's because you just finished eat a slice of pie..." Faye murmured.
"Try and bring him over here Lil, he's so cute!" Sunny whispered afraid to scare the animal away.
'I wonder if...James?' Lynn wondered to herself.
"Come over here boy..." Lily urged walking back towards her friends. James happily followed rubbing his wet nose against the front of Lily's sweater neighing like a giddy horse.
'That's him all right.' Lynn thought finally.
Lily sat down on the blanket next to the picnic basket. James lay next to her still nuzzling her neck like a puppy.
"Ooh he's so cute!" Sunny exclaimed reaching over to pet him.
"He just wants to be or friend isn't that right Prongsie?" Lynn said with a sickening sweet smile.
James immediately stopped and looked towards her and snapped at her hand.
"He doesn't seem to like Lynn..." Faye said.
"Cause she called him that dumb name! Why would you call him that? Isn't that what Black, Remus and Peter call Potter?" Lily said shuddering involuntarily.
"Well with the antlers and all it seemed to fit a stag..." Lynn replied glaring at James who was being stroked between his antlers by Lily's petite hand.
"That name doest fit at all...James is such a..." Sunny started.
"Assface jerk?" All three friends said in unison.
"Exactly! What we need is a name for this cutey..." Sunny said rubbing noses with James as if he were some baby puppy and not some 16 year old impersonating a stag.
"How about Fluffy?" Faye suggested feeding James a marshmallow.
"That's to girly...how about Cupcake?" Sunny suggested.
"Stop contradicting yourself; let's call him...Potty, the cocky assface jerk." Lynn replied half-heartedly throwing bits of crackers at James.
"We agreed to stay off the 'James Potter' theme..." Lily said trying to stroke James's fur back into place. When she did it just sprung up again worse than before. "I got it! Let's call him Harry!"
"That's so adorable!" Exclaimed Sunny.
"Yes, Harry the stag." Lily smiled contently as 'Harry' licked her face.
A little later in the library Remus worked desperately to complete his Transfiguration essay before his daily detention with Professor Chester. Peter had departed earlier stating he had to get some rest before Binns out him to work on dusting the thickest encyclopedias in the world. Remus had been working quite contently before a much disheveled looking Sirius, who he had not seen for hours came panting along the aisles of the library.
"Moony, Moony!" Sirius hissed down the aisles full of books and scrap parchment.
Remus stuck his head out from behind a thick book.
"Over here Padfoot." Remus whispered waving his friend down.
"I did it, I did it!" He cheered to himself.
"Sshhh!" Madame Pince hissed.
"Oh shut it. Looky here Moony." Sirius said proudly holding up a letter scrawled in glittery pink ink.
"Err... its pretty." Remus commented blankly.
"The girls said it would spark up more interest..." Sirius muttered.
"Girls?"
"Just read it Moony. Here," he said thrusting the letter in his hands making him drop the book on his foot.
"Oww! Padfoot watch it!" Remus howled.
"I said Ssshhhh!" Madame Pince reprimanded.
"Here, Moony you pretend to be James and I'll be Lily."
"Why do I have to be James? I wanna be Lily!"
"You'd read it better."
"You don't even like Lily why do you get to be her?" Remus said slightly pouting.
"Because my hair is better, Wolf Boy." Sirius replied running a hand through his charcoal locks.
"My hair is fluffier..."
"Just read it!"
"Fine.'To my Dearest Sweet, Tender, Beloved...'" Remus started in a monotone voice.
"With feeling!" Sirius said slapping his face lightly. Remus gave him a death glare and continued in a more enthusiastic voice.
"'You may already know this but I have yearned for you for quite some time. From the first moment I saw the sun rise with your smile on your enticingly gorgeous face I knew I loved you. A love that only grew stronger as the years progressed with your goddess like qualities-'"
Sirius squealed in a high pitched 'girly' like manner. Remus looked up at him skeptically while he batted his eyes like an idiot.
"Right.'such as your beauty of Aphrodite and the fluttering wisdom of Athena. My undying passion for you starts every morning when I wake up singing your name until I fall asleep with your sublime name still on my lips. So far I had not been able to express my undying love for you because of my sometimes brash insensitiveness but I am turning over a new leaf. You probably know my identity by now so I will leave you with the knowledge that I will forever be under the spell of your love. Much love and passion, your not-so-secret Admirer.'"
"Ooh Remmie!" Sirius cried embracing him in a death grip hug. "I love you too!" he said still fulfilling his 'role' of Lily.
"It's not too short?" Remus questioned a bit uncertain, still in the clutches of Sirius.
"No it's perfect just as I told you. The point gets across fine enough anyway..." He replied dropping his arms swiftly and looking around making sure nobody had stumbled across their scene. Unknown to them a meek sixth year girl stood behind the mound of books eavesdropping on most of their conversation. This girl happened to be Cynthia Smith, the nosiest most gossipy sixth year Gryffindor who was also best friends with Erin Meddows, lead loony of the Marauder fan club. She had been lurking in the back of the library sulking over how her roommates had neglected to invite her on their picnic when she stumbled upon, what she believed to be, Remus declaring his undying love for Sirius.
"I can't believe it! Wait till I tell the girls Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are gay...and together!" Cynthia whispered to herself excitedly. She rushed unnoticed out of the library and up into the owlery.
"...Would you look at the time? We've got to get to Professor Chester's in a few minutes..." Sirius commented folding the letter and putting it in his breast pocket.
"I've got to finish up my essay. You go ahead though..." Remus said retrieving his book and retreating to a desk.
"I'll meet you there." Sirius said walking out of the library.
Cynthia stalked around the library looking for a certain owl. Her eyes rested on a medium sized light gray spotted owl with a periwinkle color on it and had the name Peatree engraved on it. Peatree was too involved in making a nest out of the light tan strands of hair he had retrieved earlier that evening.
"Oh Peatree..." she cooed." Iv'e got a little job for you...do you know Sirius Black?"
Sirius walked down the deserted corridor leading down to the potions dungeons. He was already late for detention because he had taken a little detour through the kitchen to make up for his missed meal. The tall windows high above were open so he could feel the fierce wind whipping his face. For a split second a shadow crept into one of the windows and quickly fluttered down, making a quiet ruffling noise behind Sirius. He swiftly turned around on his heel with his wand sticking out.
"Who's there?!" he cried into the darkness.
The silent wind answered him. His eyes darted around in the darkness as he tried to see something.
"I must be imagining- Ahh!" Sirius screeched as he turned around to see the stubby spotted owl blocking his path. The owl had a malicious look about it as it waddled towards him in the dim hallway.
"Err... where'd you come from little guy?" Sirius said backing up slightly.
The owl just bellowed and its collar glinted in the moonlight pouring in from the windows. Sirius read its collar and paled.
"Alone. In a corridor. With a maniac castrating owl. This is not good...!" Sirius replied breaking out into a run to the potions classroom. Peatree took flight and swooped dangerously low to Sirius's head.
"Ahh! Get out my hair, get out my hair, get out my hair!" he screeched frantically running blindly in all directions. He saw a closet door on his right and ducked in there still being tailed by Peatree. Peatree had him cornered then...
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sirius's bellow echoed out through the nearly deserted halls.
"Did you just hear something?" Remus questioned Lynn as they labeled the countless potions by alphabetical order in Professor Chester's back cabinet.
"No, I didn't just hear Sirius scream like a little girl into the night." she replied brushing Remus's hair back from his face lovingly.
"Oh, okay." he shrugged.
"The Sex Change potion goes before the Shrinking Potion, Remmie."
"I wonder what Chester would need that potion for..."
"None of your damn business Pretty Boy #2!" Professor Chester bellowed from up in his office.
"How does he do that?" Remus wondered silently.
"Who cares? Ready to go?"
"I can't believe Padfoot didn't show up! He's gonna be in so much trouble..."
"Oh no, please stop! Get off me you stupid pigeon! Okay okay okay you're not stupid just please don't- Oww!" Sirius struggled within the closet.
Just as luck would have it, Kevin Gregory happened to be strolling past...
"Who's out there?! Help me please before this sick bird has its way with me!" Sirius whined.
"Help, you need somebody. Help, not just anybody..." Kevin sang lightly to the door.
"Oh not you!" Sirius groaned.
"Help, you know I need someone, help..." he sang as he finally pried open the stuck door.
Peatree leapt out first with a scroll of paper in its mouth soon followed by a roughed up looking Sirius.
"I was just violated and manhandled... by an owl!" Sirius panted out before fainting.
"Oh, you got to admit it's getting better, a little better, all the time. Gettin' better all the time..." Kevin sang quietly as he dragged Sirius through the hall.
Quite some time later Peatree returned to the owlery with Sirius's parchment in tow. It scuffled towards Cynthia and spat it out of its beak.
"Thank you... and just like I promised, your nest, unharmed." Cynthia grinned evilly as it handed back the soft nest made out of hay and Remus hair.
"Now, to the dormitory!" she said happily to herself as she skipped down the stairs,
"Padfoot what happened?!" Peter screeched when he first saw Kevin drag Sirius in by his boots. Sirius had somewhat regained consciousness and was now looking around the room dazed.
"Owl... closet...violated..." he panted out.
Meanwhile in the girls' dorm Lily, Sunny, and Faye were chatting silently on Lynn's bed as she brushed her hair in the mirror.
"...it wasn't so bad since Sirius wasn't there..." Lynn said commenting on her detention.
"Yeah, I bet it wasn't..." Sunny muttered.
Suddenly Cynthia busted in the door with an excited glint in her pale brown eyes. She was panting triumphantly as if she had just won a race. Cynthia loved making other people, especially her Lynn for some unknown reason; feel bad with some trashy piece of gossip. So you must know how she felt to have witnessed something that would absolutely devastate Lynn. She tried her best to put on a worried look.
"Lysandra, I've got some bad news..."
"What do you mean Cynthia? Lila's sister's best friend Jesse's little cousin started the rumor that she dies her hair again?" Lily questioned sarcastically.
"No! She probably does anyway...my news anyway is something I saw and heard! And I have proof!" she said waving the letter around frantically.
"Listen to this!'To my Dearest Sweet, Tender, Beloved, You may already know this but I have yearned for you for quite some time. From the first moment I saw the sun rise with your smile on your enticingly gorgeous face I knew I loved you. A love that only grew stronger as the years progressed with your goddess like qualities such as your beauty of Aphrodite and the fluttering wisdom of Athena. My undying passion for you starts every morning when I wake up singing your name until I fall asleep with your sublime name still on my lips. So far I had not been able to express my undying love for you because of my sometimes brash insensitiveness but I am turning over a new leaf. You probably know my identity by now so I will leave you with the knowledge that I will forever be under the spell of your love. Much love and passion, your not-so-secret Admirer.'" Cynthia finished triumphantly.
All four friends just looked around questioningly.
"So... you're in love with Lynn?" Faye questioned.
"I didn't write this, Remus Lupin did!" Cynthia exclaimed.
They all looked at each other again.
"Err...we already knew Remus and Lynn were together." Lily said slowly.
"Lupin didn't write it to her idiot's, he's cheating on her!" she exclaimed yet again with that crazy look in her eyes.
Everyone gasped and Lynn looked on the verge of tears.
"...with Sirius Black." Cynthia finished smugly.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lynn cried out a deafening squeal that rang out through the common room and all the dormitories.
"Err...Padfoot did you just hear something?" Remus questioned drowsily.
"No, I didn't just hear Lysandra screaming her head off..." Sirius replied into his pillow.
AN- I was thinking of making that chapter just a teeny bit longer but I decided against it. I already wrote the next chapter though! So all of you who want to see Sirius strut his stuff in the next chapter better hurry and review...