Out of Reach by Beena-Pani
Disclaimer: The song belongs to whoever wrote it. Bend it Like Beckham belongs to Gurinder Chadha.
Rating: G
Pairing: Unrequited Jules/Joe
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: Songfic to Gabrielle's Out of Reach. Jules thinking of Joe. The rest is self-explanatory.
Author's Note: If you have time, I suggest you read my other piece, Everywhere. If you've already read it, these are Jules' thoughts that are going on as Jess is contemplating her infatuation with Joe. If you haven't, you can read them in any order you wish, or read this one and this one alone.
Okay, I'll confess, this was inspired by mom, again. We were watching Bridget Jones' Diary to compare Mark Darcy to Mr Darcy, and this song came on. I was listening to this song a little while later, and then I started thinking of Jules and Joe. Then, I thought of how it was weird that the song fitted them, when Colin Firth played Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones' Diary and Jamie in Love Actually, which Keira Knightley (Jules) was in. And so, of course, I had to write this. Sad, isn't it?
~*~
Knew the signs
Wasn't right
Slumping back in her chair, turning her head slightly to look at her friend's dark tresses fanning out behind her head, she sighs, infuriated. She reaches up with one hand and gently, trying not to wake up her friend, twirls some of the black hair around her finger. She can imagine him running his hands through that hair as he bestows a very generous helping of kisses.
Of course, she realizes, there had never been any real love between herself and him. No, her dark-haired friend had captured his heart. She does not feel hate towards that lucky girl. She simply feels envious. But then she remembers that it would be wrong of her to dwell on those dreams where he kissed her instead of her companion. They wouldn't be realistic, she knows in her heart.
I was stupid for a while
But, oh, how much fun it is to dream before realizing what she is doing! It gives her momentary pleasure, but it is, she remembers, momentary pleasure. When she had seen him kiss her friend, she realized how stupid she had been, but that did not mean she was with opposite feelings now. In truth, she is still being rather stupid. It is hopeless, she tells herself unsuccessfully attempting to be sensible.
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
She had been caught in the moment, the passion. That love he had made her feel was as lasting as the happiness she feels when she entertains the thought of him actually feeling anything more than friendship for her. She had been an idiot, is an idiot, and always will be an idiot, or so it seems.
Closing her eyes, she feigns sleep, making her breaths long and deep. But sleep is so far away. She only does this to keep her friend from speaking to her, should she wake.
She knows she should be excited. She is going to America! She is fulfilling her dream, and yet she is far from happy. But why? She has already accepted that her friend and he are in love. That is that.
I am a pathetically lovesick fool, she tells herself.
She sighs, but it is indistinguishable from her deep, sleeping breaths.
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
In the depths of her subconscious, a doubt rises up. What if he had really loved her? Is the even possible? Did he ever mean, before he met her friend, to break her fragile heart into a million pieces and toss the shards into an ocean of salty tears? To leave so indifferently from the shore as she threw herself into the waves, both to escape him and to regain her heart?
But how could he care how long she had spent, gluing each piece back together? Even now, it is not as good as it used to be, because a few pieces are still loft back in that ocean, back in England, scattered on the floor of the airport. She knows he is absentmindedly crushing them as he walks away, thinking of only her friend.
Thinking of only her friend. Her dark-haired, beautiful, smart, kind- hearted, deserving friend.
Those words echo in her mind, bouncing off the walls of her skull, and making a slow, steady rhythm that gives her a sudden headache.
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
She tells herself to stop wondering. She knows the answer, and it is not the one she wishes she had. He is standing with her friend on the island, holding her in an embrace that will never be broken, not by anyone. And she is standing, still, on the shore where she is collecting those splinters of her heart.
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
It is better this way, she thinks, filling in those holes in her heart that do not seem to have any pieces that fit them with sand. This is the way things are supposed to be.
Catch myself
From despair
She turns her back on that island, picking up her heart and tucking it under one arm as thought it is a football. Funny, she feels like kicking it into a net over and over again, feels like punishing it for making her feel so helpless.
Averting her eyes, she dips her feet in the warm tears that wash up on the shore. Her shoes are out floating in the water, and the clothes that cling to her body stick to her only because of the icy wind that is freezing the tears to her body. She shivers as another breeze chills her body and, leaving her heart far away from the waves, she crouches into the shallow tears to get warm. She knows that as soon as she gets out, she will be cold again, but she does not want to think of that.
Finally, she drags herself out onto the sand. Rain that is being turned to hail by the coldness in the air strikes the tears off her body. Finally, she can force a trembling smile, and a ray of sunlight comes out behind the think layer of rain clouds, warming her to the marrow of her bones. The hail melts and becomes a light, misty sort of rain that she has never experienced before.
I could drown if I stay here
She awakens without opening her eyes. So she really had fallen asleep. She recalls what she dreamt of; the ocean of tears, the hail, the warming sun. She understands why the unspoken words she had meant to give to him that were lodged in her throat have been successfully swallowed, digested, and forgotten. She has gotten far enough away from him that she is over him. He is as gone as the love songs whose lyrics had been choking her. She has saved herself.
Little does she know, her breathing had taken the form of his name as she slept.
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be okay
Little does she know, this is only a distraction. Yes, she is happy. She is happy for her friend, for herself, even for him, but he is not truly forgotten. Her heart, though safely packaged and repaired, is wrapped up in bubble wrap. It is meant to keep her heart from shattering again, but she also loves to pop the individual bubbles. As she does, it slowly gives her heart more room to move around and break inside her ribcage again.
She thinks she is over him, but she is not. She thinks that she will be able to watch her friend and him hug and kiss when they come back without even the slightest thread of envy, but it is not so. She is only safe for now. One day, she will have to swin across that water to the island.
She will have to, somehow, see that that is how things will always be. He loves her companion. Her companion loves him. They are meant to be in love. Maybe she is, too, but not with him. Maybe she isn't meant to love at all, and her happiness in life will come from football. It will be okay, she tells herself, if that is what happens. She does not lie to herself this time. She doesn't mind if that's how it is meant to be. He will be gone from her mind, at least. And she will do what she loves. That, indeed, would be happiness. True happiness.
But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Somewhere, in the back of her mind, something tells her that she is wrong. She bats away that something and gives a little stretch.
Was I ever loved by you?
She is about to fall asleep again, when she hears her friend whispering something. She strains to hear the almost inaudible word coming from her companion's lips.
"Joe," she hears her friend say with confidence. "Joe."
She tenses and bites her lip to keep from crying out.
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
She squeezes her lids shut tighter, making a barrier against the tears pushing their way to her lashes.
Her friend doesn't notice.
She takes a deep breath as quietly as possible and swallows the lump in her throat. It just comes back up again.
"Jules?"
She must be crying, she realizes, and slowly opens her eyes, her eyelashes sticky with tears. She is shaking uncontrollably, but forces a smile.
"Jules are you okay?"
She makes her smile wider and nods.
"Are you sick?"
The smile is becoming harder to keep up. She shakes her head.
"Jules, speak to me."
"I'm fine," she means to say, but no sound comes out. She tries again and turns away from her friend, who puts a hand on her shoulder.
"Tell me."
She shakes her head again.
"Please."
"Nothing," she manages to whisper hoarsely. "Just a little homesick, I guess."
"Oh."
And both are silent once again.
So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
She realizes that she isn't over him yet. No, she has a long way to go. Her heart still is cracked. She is still hurt. It seems like it will take forever for her to get over him. Forever and then some. She sighs, burying her face in her hands as more tears streamed down her face.
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you
But it won't take forever, she tells herself, smiling a makeshift smile. She swallows again. Her heart is beating faster and she is sweating. But she knows that she must carry on. It will only take a while. A little while. A year, maybe, at most. But not forever. She sighs again, adding wood to a tiny flame of happiness. It grows into a fire that she sits by, getting warm. It is not the same warm that she used to get when he put his arms around her, but it is close.
But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
The hurt is still there. She is still not ready to use her tender, bruised, battered heart again, but it is still working, pumping the blood through her body. It is still getting blood to her brain, making her think about things rationally. It is still getting blood to her legs, letting her play the game she has come so far to play. She believes she will not need his love to go on for very much longer.
Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
They weren't meant to be, and she accepts that. She is already making progress. That fire is becoming huge. Her heart is slowly mending. When she comes back home (not to him, home), she will be a new person. The old her will have been left behind in America, where it will have no one to prey on for a while, and, before she goes back, it will have died.
Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
He had never really loved her, she was sure. His heart, contrary to what he had said, had never belonged to her. A heart is not something you can just give or hand over. It has a will of its own, and it chose her friend. It did not want to go to her, but that is okay. A heart will do what it will.
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me
The far off goal of getting over Joe suddenly looks so very close to Jules. She wipes her tears on the back of her hands and she looks to Jess, who has been staring out the window. She turns to see Jules and smiles.
"Are you better now?" she asks.
"Much," says Jules, laughing. Jess doesn't wonder what is so funny, because she knows it is a laugh of pure happiness.
"What was wrong?"
"Nothing, actually," says Jules, realizing how truthful it was. "Nothing at all."
Disclaimer: The song belongs to whoever wrote it. Bend it Like Beckham belongs to Gurinder Chadha.
Rating: G
Pairing: Unrequited Jules/Joe
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: Songfic to Gabrielle's Out of Reach. Jules thinking of Joe. The rest is self-explanatory.
Author's Note: If you have time, I suggest you read my other piece, Everywhere. If you've already read it, these are Jules' thoughts that are going on as Jess is contemplating her infatuation with Joe. If you haven't, you can read them in any order you wish, or read this one and this one alone.
Okay, I'll confess, this was inspired by mom, again. We were watching Bridget Jones' Diary to compare Mark Darcy to Mr Darcy, and this song came on. I was listening to this song a little while later, and then I started thinking of Jules and Joe. Then, I thought of how it was weird that the song fitted them, when Colin Firth played Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones' Diary and Jamie in Love Actually, which Keira Knightley (Jules) was in. And so, of course, I had to write this. Sad, isn't it?
~*~
Knew the signs
Wasn't right
Slumping back in her chair, turning her head slightly to look at her friend's dark tresses fanning out behind her head, she sighs, infuriated. She reaches up with one hand and gently, trying not to wake up her friend, twirls some of the black hair around her finger. She can imagine him running his hands through that hair as he bestows a very generous helping of kisses.
Of course, she realizes, there had never been any real love between herself and him. No, her dark-haired friend had captured his heart. She does not feel hate towards that lucky girl. She simply feels envious. But then she remembers that it would be wrong of her to dwell on those dreams where he kissed her instead of her companion. They wouldn't be realistic, she knows in her heart.
I was stupid for a while
But, oh, how much fun it is to dream before realizing what she is doing! It gives her momentary pleasure, but it is, she remembers, momentary pleasure. When she had seen him kiss her friend, she realized how stupid she had been, but that did not mean she was with opposite feelings now. In truth, she is still being rather stupid. It is hopeless, she tells herself unsuccessfully attempting to be sensible.
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
She had been caught in the moment, the passion. That love he had made her feel was as lasting as the happiness she feels when she entertains the thought of him actually feeling anything more than friendship for her. She had been an idiot, is an idiot, and always will be an idiot, or so it seems.
Closing her eyes, she feigns sleep, making her breaths long and deep. But sleep is so far away. She only does this to keep her friend from speaking to her, should she wake.
She knows she should be excited. She is going to America! She is fulfilling her dream, and yet she is far from happy. But why? She has already accepted that her friend and he are in love. That is that.
I am a pathetically lovesick fool, she tells herself.
She sighs, but it is indistinguishable from her deep, sleeping breaths.
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
In the depths of her subconscious, a doubt rises up. What if he had really loved her? Is the even possible? Did he ever mean, before he met her friend, to break her fragile heart into a million pieces and toss the shards into an ocean of salty tears? To leave so indifferently from the shore as she threw herself into the waves, both to escape him and to regain her heart?
But how could he care how long she had spent, gluing each piece back together? Even now, it is not as good as it used to be, because a few pieces are still loft back in that ocean, back in England, scattered on the floor of the airport. She knows he is absentmindedly crushing them as he walks away, thinking of only her friend.
Thinking of only her friend. Her dark-haired, beautiful, smart, kind- hearted, deserving friend.
Those words echo in her mind, bouncing off the walls of her skull, and making a slow, steady rhythm that gives her a sudden headache.
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
She tells herself to stop wondering. She knows the answer, and it is not the one she wishes she had. He is standing with her friend on the island, holding her in an embrace that will never be broken, not by anyone. And she is standing, still, on the shore where she is collecting those splinters of her heart.
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
It is better this way, she thinks, filling in those holes in her heart that do not seem to have any pieces that fit them with sand. This is the way things are supposed to be.
Catch myself
From despair
She turns her back on that island, picking up her heart and tucking it under one arm as thought it is a football. Funny, she feels like kicking it into a net over and over again, feels like punishing it for making her feel so helpless.
Averting her eyes, she dips her feet in the warm tears that wash up on the shore. Her shoes are out floating in the water, and the clothes that cling to her body stick to her only because of the icy wind that is freezing the tears to her body. She shivers as another breeze chills her body and, leaving her heart far away from the waves, she crouches into the shallow tears to get warm. She knows that as soon as she gets out, she will be cold again, but she does not want to think of that.
Finally, she drags herself out onto the sand. Rain that is being turned to hail by the coldness in the air strikes the tears off her body. Finally, she can force a trembling smile, and a ray of sunlight comes out behind the think layer of rain clouds, warming her to the marrow of her bones. The hail melts and becomes a light, misty sort of rain that she has never experienced before.
I could drown if I stay here
She awakens without opening her eyes. So she really had fallen asleep. She recalls what she dreamt of; the ocean of tears, the hail, the warming sun. She understands why the unspoken words she had meant to give to him that were lodged in her throat have been successfully swallowed, digested, and forgotten. She has gotten far enough away from him that she is over him. He is as gone as the love songs whose lyrics had been choking her. She has saved herself.
Little does she know, her breathing had taken the form of his name as she slept.
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be okay
Little does she know, this is only a distraction. Yes, she is happy. She is happy for her friend, for herself, even for him, but he is not truly forgotten. Her heart, though safely packaged and repaired, is wrapped up in bubble wrap. It is meant to keep her heart from shattering again, but she also loves to pop the individual bubbles. As she does, it slowly gives her heart more room to move around and break inside her ribcage again.
She thinks she is over him, but she is not. She thinks that she will be able to watch her friend and him hug and kiss when they come back without even the slightest thread of envy, but it is not so. She is only safe for now. One day, she will have to swin across that water to the island.
She will have to, somehow, see that that is how things will always be. He loves her companion. Her companion loves him. They are meant to be in love. Maybe she is, too, but not with him. Maybe she isn't meant to love at all, and her happiness in life will come from football. It will be okay, she tells herself, if that is what happens. She does not lie to herself this time. She doesn't mind if that's how it is meant to be. He will be gone from her mind, at least. And she will do what she loves. That, indeed, would be happiness. True happiness.
But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Somewhere, in the back of her mind, something tells her that she is wrong. She bats away that something and gives a little stretch.
Was I ever loved by you?
She is about to fall asleep again, when she hears her friend whispering something. She strains to hear the almost inaudible word coming from her companion's lips.
"Joe," she hears her friend say with confidence. "Joe."
She tenses and bites her lip to keep from crying out.
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
She squeezes her lids shut tighter, making a barrier against the tears pushing their way to her lashes.
Her friend doesn't notice.
She takes a deep breath as quietly as possible and swallows the lump in her throat. It just comes back up again.
"Jules?"
She must be crying, she realizes, and slowly opens her eyes, her eyelashes sticky with tears. She is shaking uncontrollably, but forces a smile.
"Jules are you okay?"
She makes her smile wider and nods.
"Are you sick?"
The smile is becoming harder to keep up. She shakes her head.
"Jules, speak to me."
"I'm fine," she means to say, but no sound comes out. She tries again and turns away from her friend, who puts a hand on her shoulder.
"Tell me."
She shakes her head again.
"Please."
"Nothing," she manages to whisper hoarsely. "Just a little homesick, I guess."
"Oh."
And both are silent once again.
So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
She realizes that she isn't over him yet. No, she has a long way to go. Her heart still is cracked. She is still hurt. It seems like it will take forever for her to get over him. Forever and then some. She sighs, burying her face in her hands as more tears streamed down her face.
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you
But it won't take forever, she tells herself, smiling a makeshift smile. She swallows again. Her heart is beating faster and she is sweating. But she knows that she must carry on. It will only take a while. A little while. A year, maybe, at most. But not forever. She sighs again, adding wood to a tiny flame of happiness. It grows into a fire that she sits by, getting warm. It is not the same warm that she used to get when he put his arms around her, but it is close.
But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
The hurt is still there. She is still not ready to use her tender, bruised, battered heart again, but it is still working, pumping the blood through her body. It is still getting blood to her brain, making her think about things rationally. It is still getting blood to her legs, letting her play the game she has come so far to play. She believes she will not need his love to go on for very much longer.
Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
They weren't meant to be, and she accepts that. She is already making progress. That fire is becoming huge. Her heart is slowly mending. When she comes back home (not to him, home), she will be a new person. The old her will have been left behind in America, where it will have no one to prey on for a while, and, before she goes back, it will have died.
Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
He had never really loved her, she was sure. His heart, contrary to what he had said, had never belonged to her. A heart is not something you can just give or hand over. It has a will of its own, and it chose her friend. It did not want to go to her, but that is okay. A heart will do what it will.
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me
The far off goal of getting over Joe suddenly looks so very close to Jules. She wipes her tears on the back of her hands and she looks to Jess, who has been staring out the window. She turns to see Jules and smiles.
"Are you better now?" she asks.
"Much," says Jules, laughing. Jess doesn't wonder what is so funny, because she knows it is a laugh of pure happiness.
"What was wrong?"
"Nothing, actually," says Jules, realizing how truthful it was. "Nothing at all."