Disclaimer- Since my name isn't J.K. Rowling-which I'm pretty sure it isn't as I've checked my birth certificate three times today hoping for a change...- so that means *GASP* I don't own Harry Potter!  Aww Damn...another thing to add to my birthday list...

AN- Hello Peoples! This is what I like to call a filler chapter. When I drew out my genius plot for this story I realized there was a big gap between some of my chapters so...Plus I wrote this trying to chip away my stupid writer's block (yup, that's what going to school does to me, kills my imagination...) Anyway, read on...

"Liiiilllllllyyyy...." A cold voice hissed softly, shaking Lily out of her deep slumber.

Lily immediately shot her head off from her pillow upon realizing she was on the ground. Not the hard wood tile floor of her dorm, but the damp, mossy floor of what seemed to be...a forest? Not really a forest though, more of an open field, though she was completed surrounded by towering redwoods. Lily quickly got to her feet as her brilliant eyes dashed around nervously taking in her surroundings. How she got out there, she wondered. She noted she was still wearing her pajama clothes, long flannel pants decorated with snitches (Hmm...Isn't James a seeker? Ohohoho...wait, or was he a chaser?! Wah...I confused!) And a simple white wife-beater t-shirt that also had a snitch embroidered on it, so there was no doubt in her mind that she had indeed gone to bed that night. The mystery was how he got out there.

"How the heck did I get out here?" Lily questioned no one in particular as she wiped a thin sheet off of her forehead frantically. She inhaled the stale air silently waiting for a sign of the mysterious voice.

"My dear Lillian...Come to me...." the voice sighed softly as if it was reassured to see her alive and well.

"Who are you?" Lily muttered as she swiveled around, "and where are you? In fact, where am I?" Lily questioned getting increasingly nervous. The voice, a deep and ominous one, reminded her of the wizard from The Wizard of Oz, definitely not one of her particular favorite movies. Witnessing those horrific flying monkeys at the tender age of three had set her off of that movie completely, so she now associated everything from that movie as dangerous, including the voice she was sure she heard.

"You know who I am, my love..."

"Well, actually I don't because there's only one psycho I'm aware of that calls me 'My Love' and I highly doubt Ja-Potter would kidnap me again after he already tried that in fifth year-" Lily started, gazing into the deep tangle of branches and vines in the misty forest. The appeared to be a silhouette of a person, most likely he kidnapper she figured.

"Hmmm..." the shadowy figured murmured to himself. Lily was positive this was her kidnapper now.

"Er, why are you hiding?"

"I'm not hiding! Why would I need to hide...from my darling (dun dun duunnn...) wife?" the voce croaked in a menacing tone, making Lily let out an interesting squeak.

"What?! Just who the hell are you?!"

"Why...you'd think you'd know your own husband..." the shadow stepped gingerly into the placid moonlight, revealing the last face Lily wanted to see right now. His face twisted in a malicious smirk as Lily's mouth flopped open and closed resembling a water deprived fish greatly.

"No." she gasped, barely moving her lips.

"Yes! It is true Mrs. Severus Snape!" the now reveled guy screeched before collapsing to the ground in a fit of overly triumphant cackles. Lily edged away from the potential madman.

"Nooooooo!!!!"

"Yess!!!!!!!!!!"

"How the hell did this happen?!" Lily screeched out as she bounded around the open field helplessly searching for a means of escape. She attempted to run but her actions seemed to be sluggish, and slow paced so Severus caught up to her and threw her to the ground.

"Well," He started as he unsuccessfully attempted to straddle her as he pinned her wrists to the ground forcefully. "All I remember is waking up in a gutter full of dirty pigeons and rice with a particularly pleasing piece of jewelry on both of our fingers...but I'm pretty sure it involved a bar."

"Bar?" Lily questioned in a disgusted tone as she paused from kicking her feet at Severus as he still tried in vain to overpower her.

"Or a brothel, I'm not sure..." Severus replied as he gave her a pondering look.

"Oh no...Someone help me!!!!!!!" Lily screeched into the night only to be answered by a flock of wayward pigeons and...Singing? And after living 6 years at Hogwarts she knew what that meant...Only one person would be dense enough to be roaming a dark forest that Snape had conjured up as a perfect place for him to live happily ever after with his wife. And to be singing...the Jackson 5 at that.

A blob of red swayed between the massive trees in the distance. Upon closer inspection Lily confirmed that the object was indeed Kevin Gregory as he stumbled from among the brush with a stag in tow.

"Tryin to live without your love is one long sleepless night ..." he started singing lightly to the tune of "I want you Back" by the Jackson 5 as he brushed attentively the stag's thick mane (oh wait, I'm thinking of a horse...), completely ignoring Lily's situation.

"...Does he follow you around or something?" Snape questioned, clearly puzzled a Kevin and his pet's sudden appearance.

"Kevin!" Lily wailed, trying to get his attention.

".Let him show you girl ...that he knows wrong from right...Every street you walked right on with a tear stain on the ground, following the girl that didn't want him around." He continued as his stag whimpered lightly.

"I swear...this just has to be-" Lily began to say as she knocked Snape in the side of his face with a single kick. "-A dream!"

"Oh baby give him one more chance, won't-you-please-take-him back to your heart-"

"Kevin, who in the world are you talking about?!" Lily asked a tad bit annoyed as she got to her feet. She had just been dragged from her peaceful slumber into this stupid place and she wasn't in the mood to decode Kevin's songs.

"You know." the stag spoke up, shocking Lily fiercely as she let out a yelp.

"You can talk...?" Lily asked with a blank gob smacked expression etched on her face.

"Hey, it's your dream." Kevin reminded her, nearly making her collapse to the floor from astonishment. This would be the first time she ever heard Kevin say something since first year that wasn't a song, besides a spell which he usually gave their own little tune anyway.

"You can talk too?!?! What else can you do?" Lily questioned suspiciously as she eyed Kevin warily. This dream was beginning to get a little too freaky.

"Hmmm...Well, I'm also quite the skilled little matchmaker and my friend here," he motioned to the stag which winked in Lily's direction, "He's a master debater (Teehee...I luv innuendo!)-"

"Especially when it comes to you." the stag finished for Kevin in a smug voice which sounded eerily familiar to Lily.

"What are you-ewww....you're not even my species!" Lily said as she realized what they were saying.

"So..." Kevin started before the eerily addictive tunes of the Jackson 5 came back, "Won't you please let him," he continued to sing.

"Back in your heart!" the stag finished for him.

"Oh no, why-can't-I-wake-!!!" Lily exclaimed to no one in particular as Kevin and the stag continued their duet. But before she could finish her sentence she shot up from her sweat drenched pillow.

"What the-Oh goodness- I finally woke up..." she breathed in a relieved sigh as she allowed her head to fall back into a pillow that she didn't recognize as hers.

 Instead of the usual squashed feather pillow with the L.E. stitched in the corner, there was a noticeably bigger one with a burgundy velvet pillowcase covering it. In fact, everything in the huge bed was either covered with burgundy velvet or golden silk, Lily noted. This definitely wasn't her bed...She let out an urgent yelp as the allowed the sheets to fall from her shoulders and spill onto a rather suspicious looking lump that was lying next to her and snoring nonetheless.

"Oh...my, where the hell am I now?!" she whimpered as she cautiously took in her new surroundings. She couldn't see much as the golden curtains of the canopy bed she was sharing were drawn shut, but she could tell it was morning from the way the sun bore through the curtain and shone directly over the lump, which was now, to Lily's horror, was beginning to stir awake.

"Please don't tell me..." Lily muttered to herself as she thought she recognized that unruly patch of hair.

The lump, apparently a guy, rose from his pillow slowly with his eyes still clamped shut. His dark hair sprung from and in all directions as he ruffled his own hair while letting out a beastly yawn. The man allowed the sheets to tumble off of him reveling his very bare chest as he let his head drop back to his pillow. He silently shifted to his side so he could retrieve hi gold rimmed glasses which looked like they had be tossed carelessly on the floor. Lily could see that the bareness didn't just stop at his chest, much to her utter and complete horror. In fact, the only thing he seemed to be wearing was...a flesh colored thong.

"Eek!" Lily unconsciously squealed out in disgust as she edged away from the man.

His eyes snapped open as he slid his spectacles into place, revealing his deep hazel eyes full of pure glee.

"Morning Babe." James muttered in a seductive voice before he growled playfully, making Lily's left eye twitch slightly. Lily took in a deep breath as if attempting to calm herself down before she faced James sternly.

"...What the hell am I doing here-why are you here with me-what in the blazes did we actually do-was I drunk or something-and for the love of Merlin, why are you wearing that thong?!?!?!?!" she screeched questions that flowed from her mouth non-stop at the top of her lungs as James simply brought her down to his laying position and wrapped his powerful arms around her waist and enveloped her in a death grip.

"Shh...Darling-"

"Don't you call me that!" Lily snapped as James continued to drag her closer to him despite a viciously squirming Lily. Once she realized there was absolutely nothing between her body and his except for that hideously flimsy thong Lily had come to despise, and panicked "eep" escaped her lips.

"What-did-you-do-with-my-clothes-you-sick-bastard?!" she inquired through clenched teeth as her eye began twitching more violently.

"You should know the answer to those questions yourself...unless you really were drunk..." James said serenely as he let out a peaceful sigh, making Lily want to scratch his eyeballs out. "Yet again, we always do our best...work when you're intoxicated in some kind of way, eh?"

"You!" Lily growled as she pounced on top of James unconsciously, the sheet covering most of her (Bad gutter mind!), and tightened her grip around James's neck instantly, letting out a stream of curses and hexes though as she could tell her wand was nowhere in sight.

"Darling-gasp-you really-gasp-are frisky to-gasp-day, but you'll wake-gasp-the kids with the-gasp, sputter, cough-noise!" James warned as he wrenched out of Lily's death grip and turned to the side to attempt to catch his breath.

"...Kids? What kids? We-I mean-I don't have any kids!" Lily exclaimed defiantly.

"Er, just because Remus and Lynn agreed to allow them to stay at their disco/ranch only for the week didn't mean they wouldn't give them back..." James pointed out as he grinned at Lily.

As if on cue, Lily heard a door slam open followed by the little incessant chattering of little children. Before she knew what was happening, the golden curtains flew back from the bed to reveal a pack of toddlers ranging from ages 7-1. Lily screamed a bit as James reached over the side of the bed and hoisted the smallest one, a baby with unruly red hair that stuck out in a fashion similar to James's and sparkling hazel eyes, into Lily's, who was still seated atop of James's stomach, lap.

"Yay! Momma's trying to kill Daddy again!" A little guy said as he surveyed the situation through his emerald green eyes.

A flood of giggles sounded throughout the room as all five of the kids clambered onto their parent's bed. Most of them began to jump around as a two of the oldest surrounded Lily on both sides and wrapped their tiny arms around her neck.

"Does this mean we're gonna get another little brother or sister?" a girl that was the exact miniature of Lily questioned enthusiastically.

"Most likely, I show no signs of going sterile..." James muttered as he bounced the gurgling baby on his upper stomach. Lily just sat there speechless. She couldn't bring herself to form the correct words that were being tossed around in her brain so she just sat there with her mouth hanging open helplessly.

"That bad!" a little four year old boy, which Lily noted, looked suspiciously like her father, pointed out as he bounced over to Lily and swung his arms around her neck.

"Momma said Daddy's already eating us out of howse and home! We don't need no more nawty babies!"

"No its not!" a little girl who looked to be around six objected her little brother. "More kids mean Mommy's eye will do that funny thing!"

"What thing?"

"That...twitchy thing it's doing right now!"

"Ohh..." all the kids said in unison before continuing to torture Lily with the jumping and the questions. A mass of tangled red hair swirled around her, nearly suffocating her.

"Mommy, I want waffles for breakfast!"

"I eat all my food if you don't make me bathe again! This would be my...second one this month!"

"Waaaahhh..."

"Stop your crying Francis!"

"Simon smacked me Ma!!!!"

"Smack him back." came James's calm voice of reason.

"Tommy's doing that thing again..."

"Don't be a tattletale Hallie. He's just discovering himself." James muttered before he turned to the corner of the bedroom where a soft tinkling noise was coming from.

"James Jr., a vase is not a toilet." James reminded one of their sons.

"Sowwy Daddy..."

"The corner isn't one either!"

"Oh Merlin's beard...I've died and been sent to Potter-hell..." Lily managed to mutter.

"Hey, hey, hey, Potters! Guess who's here!" A voice bellowed out in the hallways before the door reopened again revealing a slightly overweight and balding Sirius Black. He wore nothing but a rainbow bathrobe and he held a striped bucket of old fried chicken with the picture of a toothless old man above the General Joe's Discount Chicken label. All the children stopped with they were doing and gave an excited gasp.

"Uncle Siwius!!!" they all squealed with delight before toppling off the bed and heading for Sirius extending their tiny arms gleefully. Even the baby that James held was straining to edge closer to this depressing version of Sirius.

"Yes kids, come to your beloved live-in Godfather and I shall shower you all  with knowledge of mischief making and we'll see if your uncle can win that bet your Daddy made with him to see if you can make Mommy's hair can turn white before she hits thirty!" Sirius announced merrily as everything went spinning around Lily.

She seemed to be screaming and falling at the same time, but she couldn't stop it and nobody seemed to hear her. Down, down, down she tumbled until she hit something soft with a thud. She twitched a little, noting she was now wearing clothing, clothing that was drenched in sweat, but clothing, nonetheless. She could still feel somebody jumping next to her making her shoot up from her laying position abruptly, knocking that person off her bed.

"Ow...Lil! I landed on my ass..." she could hear Sunny moan from the floor as Faye gave a very non-discreet snort.

"Great deduction there, Watson."

Lily glanced around wild eyed, glad to see she was back in the comfort of her dorm. Lynn noticed Lily was shuddering slightly and she could practically here her heart from where she was standing, next to Lily's bed.

"Er, alright there Lils?" she questioned cautiously as she placed a hand on Lily's shoulder tenderly, causing her to spring up slightly.

"Yeah," Sunny said as she hoisted herself up from the ground, "You were screaming murder in your sleep and you kept on saying "James"."

"Hmm...Screaming out James's name...now that doesn't sound right at all..." Faye pondered with a sly grin on her face. "But of course, Lily frolicking about in the rain after hours with him doesn't sound right either..."

"Shh! She's not supposed to know we know!" Sunny said throwing a pillow in Faye's direction, which she quickly dodged.

"Well I think she knows that we know now."

"Lily, speak to me! Did you have a nightmare? You were talking about a thong!" Lynn inquired as she shook Lily, trying to get her out of her daze.

"She probably lost it." Sunny said silently into Lynn's ear.

"Or maybe visions of James Jr. and the Jackson 5 are still flooding her mind."

"Lil?"

"...I hate double dreams..." was the last thing Lily muttered before she allowed her head to collide with her pillow yet again. Her friends went deathly silent as they watched Lily exhale a great deal of air she seemed to be holding ever since she woke up from her night terrors.

"I think we should have woken her up when she started screaming about Kevin being a master debater..." Sunny hissed to Lynn, not wanting to disturb Lily.

Faye walked over to them and smacked Sunny lightly on the back of the head.

"Ya think?"

 Early That Morning

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Four figures trudged over the grassy hill just beyond Hogwarts in a single line silently. It was about four in the morning, so most of the land was still dark and very wet. One persistent voice broke through the stale silence though.

"Jamie buddy...Prongsie...Jamski? Where are we going?!" Sirius whined as he unsuccessfully tried to get James to talk to him as they stumbled blindly through the damp trail a little beyond the castle. Peter ambled next to closely behind James's heels, rubbing the sleep out of his pale eyes, as he went about squishing his heels in the mud. Remus, who brought up the rear, gave a content sigh as he followed blindly into which would probably prove to be another one of James's idiot adventures.

"Why won't you talk to me Prongs?" Sirius whimpered pathetically as he jabbed his finger into James's back. James spun around sharply, causing their little line to halt. Peter skirted to the back of the line to shield himself behind Remus, who seemed to be off in his own little world right now.

"Because you're a jerk, a pervert with a dirty mind, a sneak, and you screwed up the one chance I had with Lily, two times!" James howled at Sirius scathingly, making him shrink down a feet making Remus let out a short bark-like laugh.

"That just about covers it..." he muttered as he pushed Peter to the front again.

"Shut up Hickey-Boy, before I call McGonagall and she takes away your badge for doing...naughty things!" hissed as he began walking again only this time next to Remus.

"They're not hickeys...I told you, I burned my self with a...curling iron." Remus stated firmly in a slightly littler voice.

"At four a.m.?"

"I like to look good when I go out..." Remus muttered through clenched teeth.

"...You know, if you ignore the freakiness of being about ankle deep in this mysterious glob in the dark-"

"It's mud genius." Sirius informed him.

"-And the creepy thing that's crawling up my leg-"

"..."

"-And the thing with the yellow eyes that's been stalking us for the past hour-"

"What?!" James, Sirius and Remus screeched as a creature, shrouded by the darkness whizzed past them, hobbling at the speed of light as it cackled its way into the darkness.

"...Hold me..." Sirius squeaked as he clamped on Remus's arm.

"-This is pretty cool. Going to some mystery place at night. It may just be the lack of sleep-"

"It is the lack of sleep." James informed him through his clamped mouth.

"But this reminds me of that episode of Scooby Doo."

"...Peter. Just. Stop. Talking."

"No really! That episode where they...do the sleuthing in that dark place...and they're all in a line...walking oddly-"

"They do that every episode!"

"-And James would be Freddy-"

"He's gay so Sirius should be Freddy."

"...What are you getting at Remus?!"

"-Remus could be Velma-"

"The hunch back?!"

"She's more of the helmet head-smartass-Jinkies type..."

"Not a word Sirius, James." Remus said cutting through his other to companion's giggles.

"Sirius would be more of a Shaggy-no, Daphne."

"Ha, ha, I'm the hot one Remus." Sirius boasted, happy to finally get the upper hand of his seemingly smarter friend.

"Yeah, but your hip's always jutting out into Freddy's unmentionables..."

"...Eww..." They could hear James mutter from up ahead.

"You're a very pretty boy, Jamie..." Sirius hissed in an exaggerated perverted voice.

"Remus is your man, not me!"

"I bet you wanna be Scrappy huh Pete?"

"Scooby Dooby Doo...Lookin' for you' Scooby Dooby Doo-" Peter started to sing the annoying theme song.

"Your not Kevin, get over it!"

"I wanna feel special too..." Peter whined.

"Well sing another song, that one really grates my nerves..." Sirius said a bit irritated.

"All songs grate on your nerve, that's why Kevin grates your nerves." Remus said logically.

"I got one!" Peter exclaimed cheerily.

"Oh damn-" Sirius started before Peter began to sing.

"Here's a story, of lovely lady who-"

"Not that one, Please!" James and Sirius groaned at the same time.

"Who was bringing up three very lovely girls-?"

"Technically, Marcia was the only lovely one, Cindy was just cute." Remus stated matter-of-factly.


"What about Jan?"

"Lost cause."

"All of them had hair of gold, like their mother. The youngest one in curls."

"...Cindy didn't have curls."

"Jan was the youngest, that's why she was so undeveloped." Sirius explained.

"Here's a story, of a man named Brady who was busy with three boys of his own. They were four men living all together-"

"That does not sound right, no matter how many ways they say it."

"How come Bobby became a red head?"

"Damn, that kid got hideous..."

"And they were all alone-"

"What about Alice?"

"Why did they even need Alice, Mrs. Brady was a homemaker!"

"Alice made the lunches she passed out."

"Then one day, this lady met this fellow-"

"Where did she meet him if she just stayed on her ass all day except to get her hair done and go to the market?!"

"The market?"

"Alice goes to the market for them!"

"And they knew it was much more than a hunch, that this group must somehow form a family, that's the way we all became the Brady Bunch!"

"You're done now."

"No, let's sing some more!" Remus said gallantly trying to motivate Peter to bother Sirius again.

"Saaannddy, Can't you see...I'm-"

There was another swift pounding sound followed by the crashing of something hitting the muddy floor.

"Play nice boys."

"Knock it off. We'll never get there if you keep knocking out his teeth Sirius!" James said sharply.

"Where are we going?" Peter whined.

"Far, far away, grasshopper." Sirius replied in a particularly wheezy voice.

"Er?"

"Ignore him Pete."

"We're going to go get a cat." James informed them.

"...Cat?"

"Yes, a cat for-"

"Don't tell me. If you confirm what I'm thinking right now I may be forced to give you the Remus treatment." Sirius cut him off in his utmost disgusted tone.

"We wouldn't have to be doing this if it wasn't for you!"

"How?"

"Hello? Lily's Cat, Hogwarts Express, First Year, BOOM! Ring a bell?"

"There you go using first names again..."

After a few minutes of staggering around in the dark Peter began to hum lightly to him, making sure he was quite a distance away from Peter.

"Argh! Now I have that damn song in my head!" Sirius howled out to no one in particular.

"Saaannddy...can't you see, I'm in misery-" Peter started before there was a hard smacking noise in the dark followed by the sound of a heavy object falling to the ground.

"Sirius! That hurt!"

"It was an accident..." Sirius growled through clenched teeth.

"Dammit, that's the second tooth you made me loose Sirius!" Peter wailed as he continued to follow them, keeping a safe distance away from Sirius.

"Wow Sirius, you've managed to temporarily screw up one relationship, stomp a potential one, and ruined Peter's off-perfect smile all in one day, what can't you do?" Remus stated only half-jokingly. He seemed to be in higher spirits now and even venturing off Hogwarts grounds illegally in the middle of the dark couldn't bring him down.

"He also stained your pant leg in Hogsmeade remember? That won't come out unless you take extreme care, believe me, I know." Peter piped up.

"How, I wonder?" James pondered up front.

"Quite a stain too, looks like you've fell into the milky way..." Sirius hissed at Remus scorchingly.

"Yeah, so know when I go home next week I can have Dad sifting through my trunk until he finds his hardcore evidence that 'I'm not...right' as he puts it, and I'll be forced to do crap like play football with the boys and go to 'tough man' pubs with my Dad all during the break until I convince him for the 7,985th time that I've been 'set straight'. Thanks a lot Sirius." Remus muttered bitterly.

"...I knew I wasn't the only one who was suspicious..." Peter whispered to himself, earning another smack, from Remus this time.

"You guys shut up! We're here!" James snapped in a whisper.

"Where?" Peter questioned as he continued walking until he collided with a low fence.

"Here." James sighed deeply.

"Why, pray tell, are we at The Sunshine Pet Farm at 4:58 a.m. James?" Remus asked flatly as he surveyed the area. It was a rather dusty looking place, the farm. There was a house just a few yards away from two barns that stood side by side, both with chipping paint and missing ply boards. There was a vast pit of mud that seemed to lead into one of the barns and the place smelled of wet dog.

"Yeah James, everyone knows old man Sunshine isn't very happy to see visitors..."

"Old man Sunshine?" Peter asked with a trace of a giggle in his voice.

"Yeah, you think his name is funny until he and his boys come out here waving their muggle boom-sticks in your face..." Sirius muttered.

"Boom-stick?"

"You know, that...stick with the...bang bang bang and the 'Oh, it hurts!' that thing."

"Everyone, muggles and wizards alike, know that Sunshine is mad. He lost his mind way back in the fifties before he hijacked a lost milk truck and set out 100 dishes to attract stray animals." James started to explain.

"...He hijacked a milk truck?" Remus questioned skeptically as he eyed the barns suspiciously.

"Yes...yes he did."

"Ever since Then," Sirius cut in, "He's been trying to splice cat genes with dog genes to create the ultra super pet, the Cog! The intelligence and poise of a cat with the natural loyalty and fun of a dog!" Sirius finished in a dramatic voice as he towered threateningly over Peter.

"Shh..." James said as he began to climb the fence into the barnyard. "Are you guys coming or not?"

"Coming." Sirius announced immediately followed by Remus who was still eyeing the place suspiciously.

"Not." Peter muttered silently before he allowed himself to be practically dragged over the fence by Sirius.

After having quite the trial with trying to scramble over the ten foot gate, which proved to be a difficult task, Sirius, James and Peter toppled over the brim and landed into the mud. James noticed Remus, who stared at them strangely on the other side of the gate, unmoving.

"Aren't you coming?" James questioned a tad bit annoyed.

"Yeah..." he muttered as he simply slipped through the open gate door that led to the other side.

"...Not a word, Remus." Sirius mumbled grudgingly as they stood in the field, trying to find their bearings.

After a moment of scanning the perimeters James motioned for them to walk on.

"...I can't shake the feeling that I've been here before..." Remus muttered under his breath, loud enough that everyone could hear him clearly. Peter's hand immediately flew up to his mouth as he suppressed a giggle as James cracked an amused grin that spread on his stony face.

"What's-so-funny?" Sirius questioned through a strained straight face as he slapped Peter on the back of the head, making him shut his trap. "I see nothing funny about what our dear friend Remus said...Do you James, I don't, nope nothing at all, totally un-funny-" Sirius continued though he himself was cracking up.

"That's because you did it too!" Peter squealed, his voice full of glee.

"What?" Remus asked totally in the dark.

"...You don't remember anything you do during the full moon, Moony?" James asked simply, not turning to face them but Remus could tell he was grinning.

"What happened?"

"Er, well, nothing of importance." James said, shaking off the matter.

"Yeah, like I always say, 'What Remus doesn't know, he can't blab to Lysandra and she can't hurt him...' "Sirius mumbled through stifled chuckles making Remus scowl in his direction.

"Just forget it. Why are we even here? I don't even see any...pets-" Remus was cut off however by a scruffy looking golden retriever that came bounding out of one of the dilapidated barns and towards him merrily.

"Hey, it's Sunshine's guard dog!" Peter exclaimed heartily as the frisky beast dug its claws into Remus's front robes and attempted to lather his face in wet doggy kisses. "Hey girl, miss us?" Peter questioned as he rubbed the dog's golden mane.

"You sure missed Remus didn't you girl?" James asked in a baby voice as they watched Remus struggle to separate the dog from his body.

"What are you-" Remus started but was cut off by the tyrant tongue of Sunshine's guard dog.

"Humph. She doesn't seem to miss me." Sirius mumbled a bit dejectedly.

"Guess you're just not as good as Remus in certain departments, Padfoot..." James trailed off as he peered into the barn with the trail of mud leading to it. It seemed to be the source of the horrible wet dog smell the permeated through the air. Silent whimpers and whines arose from the barn signifying dogs' presences in the barn.

"What de...part...ments...?" Remus wondered aloud as he managed to wrestle the beast off of him finally. The golden retriever nodded at him cheerily before barking loudly, towards the barn.

"No, no, no! Don't call Sunshine!" James hissed to the dog, cautious that she was warning her master of their presence.

"Nice going Remus, you upset your bitch!" Sirius grumbled earning astonished glances from Remus.

"My what?"

"Oh wait guys..." Peter cooed as the tiny figures toddled out of the barn, letting out little yelps and whimpers as they trailed along in a straight line.

"Oh...my...quite a predicament we have here." Sirius stated as a grin managed to find a way to his face.

"Why, they're just puppies." Remus pointed out.

Peter picked two of the three miniature mutts and ruffled their fur as he cooed to them joyously. There were three in all, two a gold-brown color and one as black as charcoal. The puppies Peter had grabbed up simultaneously struggled against Peter's grasp towards Remus's direction. The last one, the darkest one, payed no attention to its surroundings whatsoever, as it seemed quite intent on chasing after his own stubby tail.

"Ooh! There so adorable! These cutesy-wutesy little guys, I just wanna eat-you-all-up, yes I do..." Peter said, rubbing noses with one of the puppies. 

"..." All three stared at Peter oddly for a while before he noticed and regained his composure.

"Er...I mean...they're pretty neat." Peter stated nonchalantly as he let the dogs fall from his grasp.

"Yeah, they all have your eyes Remus." Sirius pointed out before he could catch himself as he motioned to the two puppy's pairs of amber orbs. Remus's head sprang up from the dogs and to Sirius, where he focused his bewilderment-filled eyes.

"What the hell are you talking about?! You're not saying that I-me-that dog-" Remus stumbled over his words in a non-believing tone.

"It all started a few full moons back in a marvelous time we canines like to call-" Sirius started as he stroked the third puppy's scruffy coat.

"Don't say it-" Remus mumbled as he covered his face with his hands. His earlier carefree mode was fading quickly as a headache weighed down his shoulders.

"Heat." Sirius finished before being cut off by a sharp cracking noise originating from the house which sounded remarkably similar to a-

"Boom-sticks!" Sirius screeched as he took cover on the ground next to the dark puppy that was going into a similar action as it covered its eyes with its front paws and stuck its tail in the air.

"It's Old Man Sunshine!" Peter exclaimed in fret as he pointed to the front of the house where a frail old man clad in nothing but a graying pair of long johns and hunting boots came at them sticking out a rifle that looked to be too big for someone of his stature, followed by a beefy man wearing patched overalls that looked like he had just pulled them on in a hurry, also sporting a hunting rifle.

"And...Some other guy!" Peter finished his sentence before taking off behind James who had already began sprinting for shelter or somewhere to conceal himself.

"Run!" Remus hissed as he took to the ground and started to dash after James, leaving Peter in the dust. If he weren't being hunted down by a homicidal maniac who tries to breed cats and dogs and...Some other guy, Sirius would have found it hilarious that the dogs remained planted in their positions until they saw Remus take flight, which they immediately followed.

"Time to boogie!" Sirius muttered as he hoisted himself up on his feet. "Can I have a bit of chase music-oh yeah..." Sirius said looking downtrodden. "I knew we should have brought Kevin with us!" he said before he took off after his friends, passing Peter up as well.

"Whazzat?! Who's out thar a-thiefin' my purebred cogs?!" James heard the old man wheeze out as Sirius and Remus and the dogs, sprinted to either of his sides, leaving Peter in the dust.

"Hey Pa, don't you mean 'inbred' cogs?" A clumsy voice immediately followed.

"K-C, just shoot!"

"Shucks, Pa, dem cogs are so inbred they can hardly walk straight without toppling over..." K-C murmured as he aimed the tip of his rifle into the darkness which surrounded the two barns.

"I bet you that's that scoundrel wolf that put my loyal guard dog in a family way!" the old man exclaimed as he waddled through the sloshing mud in his oversized boots.

"Er, Which one?!" James hollered out the question before he latched the wet-dog-free scent barn door closed from the inside. "Let's make a deal, Sunshine! I throw out one of the 'scoundrel wolfs' and you hand over a cat!" James tried to bargain through the door, only to be answered by a whizzing bullet which passed over his head luckily.

"Are you out of your mind?!?!?" Both Sirius and Remus as they pulled James down to the hay covered floor and slammed the door shut.

"You tried to-you-I could've been-" Remus sputtered as he panted deeply as his heart felt as if it would jump out of his chest any moment now.

"I wouldn't let him kill you guys, just shoot you in the shins a bit..." James mumbled, tucking out his lower lip.

"You guys? Sirius...you didn't." Remus questioned as he turned to Sirius who blushed a deep shade of magenta as he winked back at him.

"Tried to stop him. You couldn't really help it Sirius was just-eww..."

"I'm disturbed...perturbed...and violated..." Remus muttered to himself as Sirius placed a hand on Remus's shoulder.

"You're not really cheating on Lynn because she does kind of look like her..." Sirius said as he motioned to the merry golden retriever.

"...They're not even the same species! We're not even the same species!"

"Get over it Daddy." James said before a fierce pounding began to vibrate against the doors. There was shrill screaming and bawling on the other side of the door as well.

"Er, who is it?" Sirius asked cautiously.

"Ahhhhh!!!!!!!"

"Er, didn't quite catch that."

"He's gonna shoot me!!!" Peter wailed as they jerked him into the musty barn along with them. His face was all flushed and tearstained as he fell to floor in a crumpled heap and continued bawling, looking pathetic, making at least Remus show pity for him. James was too occupied at the moment surveying the odd creatures that occupied the rusty cages in the rear of the barn.

"Oh my-I was-I'M ALIVE!" Peter wailed as he buried his face and sobbed into the hay out of joy.

"Well, I've been saying it for over five years now, but you've finally done it Pete. You wet yourself, just like I predicted!" Sirius pointed out as he shooed away one of Remus's alleged offspring away from his foot, making the mother spring upon him protectively.

"Remus, call off your bitch."

"It gets old, Sirius." Remus growled between clenched teeth.

"This thing doesn't, apparently!" James whispered in awe as he motioned to one of the cages. Remus and Sirius left Peter to cry silently on the floor and stood next to James.

"It says on the cage that this thing, this cat, was born in 1954!" James exclaimed.

"...So?" Sirius questioned not really getting what was so amazing.

"Normal cats don't stay kittens for 20 years Sirius." Remus explained slowly to his dull comrade.

"...This dude must be some kind of mad scientist!"

"Yeah, look at things...Ugh...I guess Sunshine didn't just breed cats with dogs..." James muttered as he gazed about at the cages filled with mutated cats. Some had scales, two heads or more, floppy puppy ears, and one particular one had human ears.

"Hey guys, this one kind of looks like...Kevin." Sirius pointed out, shuddering involuntarily.

"I tell you what you varmints!!!"

"Holy crap! He's found us..." Peter wheezed as he scuttled over to Sirius's feet desperately.

"I'll give you 'til the count of ten to get out of my barn before I blow your friggin' heads off!"

"H'yuck. He sure will..."

James stood frozen in an isolated corner as his friends edged closer to where a large quantity of ply boards were extracted from the barn's wall. One by one Peter placed all three of the puppies through the opening gingerly, making sure not to injure them.

"One..."

"Oh yes Peter, know that you've taken care of the V.I.P.'s can we please get the hell out of here?!" Sirius clamored as he shoved Peter intensely through the opening.

"...Another one, another one..."

Sirius edged out of the whole second while Peter was still half stuck, making it difficult for both of them to pop through to the other side.

Remus looked uneasily back and forth between his escape and the last remaining dog.

"Er, I'll call you, I guess..." he muttered before Sirius took the liberty of dragging him by the hem of his tattered robes through the hole.

"Another one..."

"Hey Pa, ain't that over ten?"

"Er...Shuddap K-C."

Sirius poked his head through the opening to the other side where he saw James crouched down on all fours, apparently struggling with a bundle of howling...hay?

"Are you coming?!" Sirius questioned his friend's stranger than usual behavior.

"In a minute..." James mumbled in an annoyed tone as the bundle hopped from one side to the other.

"Ten!"

Sirius ducked his head out in the nick of time before K-C and the Sunshine man (teehee...) barged into the barn brandishing their weapons.

"Merry Christmas, yer filthy animal!" Sunshine exclaimed as he shot several shots into the moist air, causing the mutated cats and cogs too howl and yelp.

"Hey Pa..."

"What K-C?"

"...There's no one in here. Just a couple of inbred mutants, us and that fine reindeer tending to its young in the corner! I can't believe you woke me up in before the crack of dawn to go on a wild goose chase!"

"Er, I could've sworn..."

"Swore nothin'! I'm-a goin back to bed!" K-C muttered as he threw his rifle down and stormed out of the barn.

"Grr...Damn Santy Clause lettin' his bucks run free on my propertay..." was the last thing he said before shutting the barn door behind him, giving James the perfect opportunity to make his great escape with his loot at hand.

He clutched his howling ball of fur under his armed as he squirmed through the crack to discover that there was no trace of his friends. Yet, in the distance James could've swore he saw a plump shadow jogging over the hill to the horizon where the sun was just beginning to poke up.

James sighed exasperatedly as he glanced at the wriggling winged creature lodged under his arm.

"Well...I guess its just you and me kitty...There's no way Lily can hate me now that I've replaced her stupid cat with something better, isn't that right buddy?" James cooed holding the scowling creature in front of his face, giving the animal the perfect opportunity to rake its razor sharp claws across his face.

"Hold steady Mister Snape!" Madame Promfrey scolded for the umpteenth time at the writhing boy that scowled back at her as he sat wincing notably on the edge of her patient's counter.

"I am trying you insufferable woman!" he snapped back, "Kindly stop dousing me in acid and maybe it won't be so difficult!"

"He's rather disagreeable, isn't he?" Jules commented softly as she snickered at Severus's childish reaction to a bit of disinfectant on his open wounds.

"You be quiet." Snape warned between clenched teeth.

"Hey, if it weren't for me you'd still be lying on the floor with Mrs. Norris perched on your face." Jules pointed out ever so kindly.

"I would have figured out how to move eventually, a couple of minutes there wouldn't have killed me!"

"You were there for hours."  Promfrey muttered as she jerked his arm into a sling, causing him to howl in pain.

"Oh yes, I was so lucky to have someone trip over me..." Snape mumbled under his breath as his face began to adopt a bit of color his focus dropped to the hospital wing floor.

"I saved you didn't I?" Jules stated, followed by an uneasy silence.

"...You'll have to keep this scalp well oiled and greased from now on...What did Potter do, torch you?"

"There'll be no problem with that...Hey! What're you-?!" Snape pinned as Madame Promfrey lifted the remains of his tattered uniform shirt slightly to inspect his hidden wounds.

"Wow, was Potter wearing a ring or something?" Madame Promfrey questioned as she inspected the marks on his sickly pale stomach intently. The deep jagged open scars were in deep contrast with the rest of his snow white complexion.

"Why?"

"Because, this pattern he traced in blows, it's almost as if-"

"Hey, he made his initials in your stomach!" Jules pointed out as she nearly collapsed in a fit of suppressed giggles.

"Oh, yes I see it now..." Madame Promfrey announced as she too gave a short snort. "I have to- find more ointment..." she said as she scuffled off chuckling to herself quietly.

"Where?"

"There."

"Where?" Snape asked getting annoyed that he couldn't even make out where Potter had branded him.

"Here! You're looking at it at the wrong angle..." Jules informed him as she took her finger to trace along Snape's sunken in stomach lightly, creating a tickling sensation.

"S-stop." He commanded as the corners of his mouth gave a pleasurable twitch.

"Why? You ticklish?" Jules paused as her eyes locked with Severus's eyes momentarily before he broke the connection by shifting his eyes down to her hand and jerking her finger up.

"No. It's because you're adding to the shooting pain that happens to be ravaging over my body at the moment." He stated matter-of-factly.

"Be a big boy." she responded in a coy manner as she shook her finger free of his grasp. Severus wasn't sure exactly how but moments later he could feel her warm caress spread from first his shoulder, slither over his neck, and finally came to rest on his clammy cheek.

"Ahh...You're touching me."

"Great observation."

"Er, please stop."

"Why?"

"Um...I feel rather uncomfortable?"

"You sure about that?"

"Um...pretty much."

"But how can you tell?"

"I've er, lost all feeling of everything above my waist."

"You don't say?" Jules questioned playfully as a mirthful grin, which made her resemble her brother more than ever Snape thought as his stomach turned, played across her face. Her free hand slid into place on top of his right knee, where she drummed her fingers against his flesh. "That's why there's always so much activity going on down here..."

"I didn't mean it that way!" Snape protested as his face simply flooded with blood, causing his face to illuminate in odd colors.

"Then how did you know I did?" she asked, truly curious.

"...Why do you ask so many questions?!"

"Just one more." Jules pleaded with him.

"Urgh."

"Thanks...Er, how much...wood could a...woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" she asked him sincerely, making Snape turn to her with an inquisitive expression etched on his face.

"What? Is that it? That's the big question?"

"Yup. To be honest, I didn't expect you to say yes."

"Well they answer is 47."

"...What?"

Before Snape could explain the entrance door busted open, startling the two. Sirius Black stood panting in the doorway, as if he had just run a mile which is good because he actually ran several. His eyes darted up to the scene before he let a scandalized gasp escape his lips.

"Snape!" he growled fiercely, drawing his wand from his robe pocket.

"Sirius..." Jules sighed as her hands retreated to her sides.

"Black!" Snape growled in an equally fierce tone as he straightened his composure, trying to show what bit of dignity he had left.

"Severus..."

"...If I hadn't just gotten the weirdest Déjà Vu right now I would've let this continued!" Sirius said after a while.

"What are you doing here?" Jules asked Sirius truly annoyed.

"What's he doing to you?!"

"What?" Snape screeched as he threw a pondering scowl at Sirius.

"Aha! He admits it!"

"Sirius, leave now!" Jules demanded as she took one step closer to him.

"I'm trying to rescue you from this-"

"No, Sirius, you're really just torturing me because everywhere I go you seem to be trailing right behind me! Get over me you sick freak!!! I'm sick of you!!! Just let me live on with my life in piece without you, Remus, or any other one of the fabulous Marauders getting in my way! Argh!"

Sirius stood dumbstruck, not able to lift his feet which seemed to weigh tons at the moment. His brow furrowed as he tried to control his lower lip from trembling.

"Ha, you sure told him-"

"Shut up, Snivellus!" Sirius exclaimed as he turned on his heels and dashed away, totally forgetting about reporting to Madame Promfrey about the condition of James, who was staggering blindly across the grounds with a winged cat attached to his head.

He made a fierce sprint for Gryffindor tower, his feet pounding up the stairs as hard as Jules cruel words were pounding inside of his head. There was a fire raging deep within his stomach, that really unpleasant feeling he sometimes got at the rare occasion somebody had something he didn't, something Remus had told him was jealousy he believed. He paced to the sixth year boy's dormitories and slammed the door behind him. Remus nod Peter didn't even bother to look up as they were each occupied. Peter was struggling to urge a black, almost blue winged kitten into a shoebox with holes poked through the sides as Remus restrained the three puppies, his puppies, from attacking the odd creature. He seemed to have a perturbed expression clouding his face.

'Oh yeah?! You think he's better than me?!?! I'll show her! I'll show them all!!!!! I'll give James the greatest birthday prank ever: Snape's useless life! Then she will be mine!!!! Muhahahahaahahahahahaha-' Sirius attempted to keep in his thoughts unsuccessfully.

"-Muhahahahahaha-" he muttered to himself as he placed his pinky finger to the corner of his mouth and continued to cackle maniacally.

"Er, Sirius, what are you going on about?" Peter questioned, interrupting one of their friends many random spurs of evil laughter.

"Where-have-you-been?!" Remus screeched as he got up, allowing the canines to spring free from his grasp. "Do you have any idea at what's happened?"

"...I should be asking you the sam-" Sirius started before Remus thrust a damp, messy parchment under his nose.

"He knows Sirius! Look! We found it in his cloak! He's had the note all along! Why do you think he's been acting so mean towards you lately?" Peter stated as the puppies nipped at his heels while he hosted the box above his head.

"Oh great, another opportunity for you to rub one of my failed plans in my face..."

"We only have one thing to do now."

"What clobber James with a memory charm while he's still in the shower?"

"No. We'll just send it with the demon-cat," Remus said motioning to the creature which stood with its fur all razed up on his bed, scratching and hissing at the poor defenseless puppies. "And then when he asks about it, we'll pretend we have no idea what he's talking about until he's convinced he's crazy." Remus finished in a business-like tone.

"...Boy, you're pretty dry on ideas today, huh?" Sirius questioned, earning a stern look from Remus.

"...Isn't that the same plan we used with Sirius when the accident happened with the stupid teddy be--" Peter started before Remus clamped his hand down over his mouth. Sirius's head snapped around and he glanced between the all wild-eyed.

"What did you guys do to Raffles?!" he demanded a bit hysterically.

"...Oh, look at the time."

AN- There's the eighth chapter, I would've made it longer but I just remembered I have to do crappy science homework...Grr...So please give reviews so I have something pleasurable to read in between procrastination breaks...