"The Cloud and Tifa Cooking
Hour: Episode 2"
(Music
flares up and audience begins clapping as Tifa enters from the left side of the
stage)
Tifa:
Hello and Welcome to the….
(She
waits for Cloud to fill in his dialogue)
Tifa:
I said, Hello and welcome to the…
(She
waits again, but no sign of Cloud)
Tifa:
Cloud! It's your cue!
(she
glances off stage to Yuffie who simply shrugs and give back a similar puzzled
expression)
Tifa:
Will you just say your blasted line already, we got lucky to get this slot and
I'm not going to lose is to that Martha Stuart bitch! So get your spikey ass
out here now!!!!
(Still
no response)
Tifa:
Fine, I guess I'll just have to make do…
(She
looks around in the audience, then suddenly stops and notices Sephroth gobbling
down bag after bag of complimentary studio audience popcorn)
Tifa:
Perfect….
Seph:
Mmmm, it's (CHOMP) really stale (MUNCH), yet so (CRUNCH) good at the (SMACK)
same time! BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!
Tifa:
Oh Sephy…
(Sephroth
stops and looks up at Tifa with a face entirely covered with popcorn kernels)
Seph:
Yes?
Tifa:
How would you like to be on TV?
Seph:
I wouldn't (he then goes back to contenting himself by stuffing his face with
popcorn)
Tifa:….But
you'd be really famous
Seph:
(Doesn't even bother to look up from his food this time) Tita, I almost
destroyed the planet, I single handedly killed the president of a world
dominating enterprise, I think that was
enough fame for me, thank you very much.
Tifa:
Thats Tifa, not Tita.
Seph:
Oh sorry.
Tifa:……(Scratches
her head) But you'll get lots of girls…
Seph:
(Looks up) Chicks?! (Sounding slightly interested this time)
Tifa:
(Realizing she has his short attention span) Um, yeah. Bunches of em', you'll
probably have more than you'll know what to do with.
Seph:
hmmmmm…(Sounding a little intrigued yet not won over yet)
Tifa….and
um…(she notices the three empty bags of popcorn)…and food, yeah lots of food
Seph:
food!!!(Sounding excited)
Tifa:
Yep, and all the popcorn you can eat!
Seph:
POPCORN!!!!!!!
Tifa:
so what do ya say? Do you wanna be on my show?
Seph:
you got it Tita!
Tifa:
It's Tifa! Not Tita!
Seph:
Ya sure whatever, now lets get down to business!
Red
XIII: (Still up in ceiling rafters) That was totally pathetic
Tifa:
You still here?
Red
XIII: Yes, I'm kind stuck…
Tifa:
Um, why don't you just jump down?
Red
XIII: I can't
Tifa:
Um, Why not?
Red
XIII: I don't know I just can't. It's like when cats get stuck in trees, they
can climb up but not down.
(Tifa
gives him a puzzled look)
Red
XIII: Hey don't look at me, I don't make the rules.
Tifa:
Right….
Red
XIII: Could you call a fireman, please…
Tifa:
no
Red
XIII: Why not?
Tifa:
I just said no! Now back to the show here.
(she
turns around to see Sephroth devouring the set)
Tifa:
Sephroth!!!
Seph:
what?
Tifa:
You ate all the food!
Seph;
No I didn't, there a little left in the fridge.
Tifa:
Aaaahhhh!!!
(Yuffie
makes motions to Tifa to wrap up the show)
Tifa:
What already! But I have cooked anything yet!
(she
frantically searches around the set for something, anything to cook)
Tifa:
This'll have to do (she tosses a bunch of vegetables onto the counter)
(she
looks around, hoping for an easy answer…. And then spots Sephroth's sword at
his side)
Tifa:
Perfect! Sephroth look alive!
Seph:
What! (He looks up at Tifa totally covered in food)
Tifa:
Aaaaaahhhhh!!! (She starts throwing all the food at Sephroth)
Seph:
Aaaaahhhh!!!! (He screams like a little girl, draws his sword and begin
deflecting the food by stabbing each vegetable with his sword until, it's
filled from handle to tip with various vegetables)
Tifa:
YES!!! (Tifa quickly darts over to a trembling Sephroth and steals his sword,
she then runs over to present it to the camera)
Tifa:
And that's how we make a vegetarian sishcabob!
Seph:
Hey thats mine! ( He steals back his sword and begins eating it)
Tifa:
Well This is Tifa and Sephroth signing off for the…
Seph:
Tita and Sephroth cooking hour!
Tifa:
It's Tifa you bastard!!!!!!!!!! Get it right, Tifa, Tifaaaaaa!!!!! (She begins
beating the crap out of Sephroth)
Tifa:
TIFA!(She belts him in the stomach) TIFA! (She kicks him in the head)
TIFA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (She unloads a barrage of limit breaks)
(Cait
Sith runs out on stage)
Cait
Sith: Well thats all the time we have for today, so goodnight everybody!
Tifa:
That my line! I'll kill you too you overstuffed excuse for a marshmallow with
wings!
(She
then pulls Cati Sith into and all out brawl betweent he three of them)
(The
lights dim and the music flares up as the audience all run out of the studio
screaming)