"What ever happened to fair dealing and pure ethics and nice manners? Why
is it everyone now is a pain in the ass? What ever happened to class?" -
Velma Kelly [Chicago]
*
Chapter 4: Fight Club
"That your kid?"
Abby glanced up at the man whose blood pressure she was checking. He tipped his head to the side, indicating the little girl that sat cross-legged on a nearby gurney, playing contentedly with a doll dressed in a surgical cap and mask, both of which had been donated by Elizabeth Corday. Suzy had tied the cap on Bernadette's head like a bonnet and fashioned the mask into some sort of sundress, and she was using a toy stethoscope from the box of playthings the staff had rigged up in the waiting area to mime everything Abby did. Well-behaved and quiet, Suzy had been no trouble for Abby to look out after as she made the rounds and cared for patients. Most people were charmed by the child's wispy blonde hair and sweet smile. Abby was beginning to think the hospital should have a cute kid on staff just to wander around and put everybody in a good mood.
"No, she belongs to a friend," Abby replied, undoing the Velcro of the blood pressure cuff and removing it from the man's upper arm.
He flexed his hand a few times then cracked his knuckles, each with a loud pop and crunch that made Abby want to cringe and captured Suzy's fascination until every last finger had its say. "So you're a nurse and a babysitter," he said, managing to look as if he had just swaggered up to Abby in a bar, even though he was seated on a gurney and wearing a paper gown, "what else can you do?" He licked his bottom lip and eyed her appreciatively.
"Colonoscopies," Abby said flatly. "Want one?"
The man chuckled at her cleverness. "Feisty to boot. I should come to the hospital more often."
"Keep it up and you might never make it home from this one." Abby gave the bag of saline solution she had just hooked to an IV pole a tiny flick. But instead of ominous, it came across as flirtatious. She didn't really mind. He wasn't a bad looking fellow, though too old for her. Probably 45 or so.
"Hmmm, Lockhart, eh?" He inspected the nametag pinned to Abby's baby blue scrubs, a twinkle in his brown eyes. "Sure your real name isn't Nurse Ratched?"
"'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', right?" Abby pretended to be unsure and continued when the man nodded. "That was before my time."
"So, how old does that make you? As long as you're over eighteen..."
Another witty remark from Abby surely would have followed if Chen had not approached them at that moment, a cool air about her as she gave the patient a stiff smile and avoided eye contact with Abby. "How are you feeling, Mister..." Chen drew out the last word expectantly.
"Perkins."
"Mr. Perkins?"
"Healthy as a horse." He leaned back against his pillow to look at Abby, who had to step aside as Chen crowded in to poke and prod his abdomen. "Miss Lockhart is taking fine care of me. We were just discussing modern literature. Have you ever read 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', Doctor?"
"Hmm?" Chen sounded distant, as if she hadn't really been listening. "Oh, no. I've seen the movie though. Didn't like it much."
"Shame," said Mr. Perkins, only half listening himself as he watched Abby move over to the gurney where Suzy played. He startled and blinked rapidly when, without warning, Chen passed a bright light before his eyes.
Several smart-ass comments about attendings doing scut work had come to mind, but Abby held her tongue and let the doctor take over. No sense in causing a scene in front of a patient. But if Chen wanted to flaunt her rank, she would have to do it with a smaller audience. Abby wasn't sticking around to see it. She held out her hand to Suzy.
With a hint of mild interest, Chen asked, "Is that Dr. Lewis's niece?"
"Yes." Abby continued to usher Suzy away, but Chen was persistent.
"What's her name?"
"Suzy."
"Named after her aunt, how cute," Chen cooed, forgetting about Mr. Perkins for the time being and focusing on the child at Abby's side. "And what a pretty girl."
"She's not the only one," Mr. Perkins chimed in, smile lines forming at the tiny upturned corners of his mouth and his eyes. He winked at Abby as she tried to pretend she hadn't noticed what he said. Chen was ignoring him as well, though she looked the slightest bit perturbed when she bent forward, resting her hands on her knees, to address Suzy. Abby felt five small fingers tighten around her hand. She gave them a reassuring squeeze.
"My name's Jing-Mei. I'm a doctor just like your aunt. How would you like to spend some time with me, get to see what a real doctor does?" Chen widened her eyes and rounded her lips into a surprised O shape, simulating the expression of someone who had just opened the world's greatest birthday gift.
Suzy stared and hesitantly shook her head, keeping her doll close to her chest, its head tucked under her chin. "No, thank you," she answered softly, "I ain't allowed to go with strangers. One kidnapped me once. I'll stay with Abby, she's Aunt Susan's friend. And a nurse. Me and Bernadette wanna be a nurse."
The phony excitement drained from Chen's face and she stood straight again, tugging primly at the bottom of her lab coat. "Okay. Have fun, then."
Abby couldn't help smirking when Chen departed as abruptly as she had arrived, and Mr. Perkins wondered out loud, "Who peed in her Cheerios?"
***
By the time 6 o'clock rolled around, Susan was plenty ready to hang up her stethoscope and ditch County General, never to return. At least until her next shift. She had been looking forward to her plans with Abby and Little Suzy all day, despite her doubts whether any of them would actually make it through an entire movie, let alone the two or three she had suggested while gabbing in the cafeteria. They had been so tired during lunch that no one even noticed Susan drinking her niece's chocolate milk, Abby pouring Susan's French dressing over her own garden salad, or Suzy not touching a bite of her grilled cheese but consuming an entire bag of mini Oreos that was meant to be split three ways.
They would be fast asleep by 8:30 p.m., Susan wagered; 9 at the latest. Oh well, tomorrow was Saturday. If Abby had the weekend off, they would have two whole glorious days to relax and finish the movie festival.
Hoping to God her friend's promise of a cool apartment was true, Susan clocked out and headed for the ambulance bay, the sweltering heat reaching through the open doors to embrace her before she even set foot on the pavement. Abby's shift had ended a couple hours prior to Susan's, and the nurse had taken Suzy home with her. They were to meet up at Abby's place and take things from there. Whatever -- as long as it involved air conditioning, Susan was game.
The mixture of fatigue and sultry air had already begun to take its toll, and Susan was toying with the idea that she might be willing to kill the next person she laid eyes on if a human sacrifice was necessary to end this heat wave, when she spotted Chen and two male paramedics grappling with a rotund woman who was strapped to a gurney and flailing violently.
"Witch, witch, you're a bitch!" the woman screamed in a shrill, chanting pitch. "Get your filthy mudblood hands off of me! Lord Voldemort will have your spleen on a plate! He'll dissect you like worms, he'll send you screaming straight to the pits of Hell, you Muggle scum, you-"
"Looks like another Potterpath," yelled the taller paramedic, drowning out a slew of curse words and gibberish, and looking rather amused as he dodged a swipe from the woman's beefy hand.
Visibly frazzled, Chen made a lame attempt to hold down the woman's other hand and hollered back, "A Potterpath??"
"A Harry Potter psychopath."
Susan knew very little about Harry Potter, but she sensed right away that his was a name not all "Potterpaths" cared to hear. The vexed woman emitted a terrible screechy howl and thrashed harder than ever.
"Potter will die! The Death Eaters will offer the head of Potter to our Dark Lord!" And with one more mighty swing to prove her point, the woman's massive hand connected with the closest thing in sight -- Chen's face.
"Damn," Susan muttered, unable to pry her eyes from the scene. It was as engrossing as a car wreck or one of those late night Jerry Springer episodes you just happened to pass while in a channel surfing stupor. Once it pulled you in, there was no turning back. She half-expected Chen to tear off her shirt, hop on the gurney and start pummeling the woman, all 300 or more pounds of her. It was almost disappointing when Chen merely stumbled backwards, clutching her inflamed cheek, and steadied herself against the open ambulance door, addled.
"You okay, Doc?" one of the EMS workers called over his shoulder, barely pausing for an answer as he and his partner wheeled their out-of-control delivery into the ER.
"Yeah," Chen said breathlessly.
They had not spoken since their bathroom episode this morning, and Susan had purposefully avoided Chen like the plague, but Susan now felt a pang of guilt as she watched the other woman trying to gather some composure and tough out the sting that must have been numbing the entire side of her face. A patient had slapped Susan once, back during her residency, and she recalled vividly the harsh prickly sensation that a swift hand could leave behind. More than physical pain, it wounded your pride and made you feel a perfect fool.
Shouldering Suzy's Powerpuff Girl backpack, which had been forgotten in the lounge and now rattled and clinked with a half empty bottle of juice and various vending machine staples that her niece had collected throughout the day, Susan chose the dutiful route and went over to make sure Chen was really okay. She caught the tail end of what sounded like a doozy of a sentence, its main goal to christen the slap happy patient a "crazy cow".
Not PC but a suitable nickname and a nice alliteration, Susan thought. "You take a helluva right hook, girl," she said gently, careful not to startle the already shaken doctor.
"You think this is funny?" Chen's eyes, although blurred with tears, were haughty and accusing as she thrust her chin upwards and quickly took her hand away from her cheek. Four long streaks were glowing there in bold, furious red.
"No. Just breaking the ice." Susan examined Chen casually, treating the rudeness as she would any nasty remark from a patient. People weren't concerned with being friendly when they were injured or sick, after all. It took some practice, but you learned to overlook it. "I'm from a dysfunctional family, I use humor as a defense mechanism," she added, pausing to smile as she tilted Chen's head back, checking for swelling or signs of damage to the eye.
"Well, sometimes humor is inappropriate," Chen snarled, pushing Susan's hands away. "You and your witty little friend Abby need to grow up and start acting like adults in the workplace. I don't know how either of you have survived this long with your level of unprofessionalism and the disregard for rules you practice on a regular basis."
For several painfully tempting moments, Susan wanted more than anything to give Chen a matching set of finger marks on her other cheek -- even things out a bit. She didn't waste time feeling hurt by the allegations; they were rubbish, especially coming from someone with Chen's history. Susan could remember when the hotshot doctor was just a clueless med student who screwed up the easiest of tasks, and, honestly, Jing-Mei Chen had not changed much since then.
"Look, I'm not sure if you're jealous or what, but don't drag Abby into this. She's not even here." Susan crossed her arms and regarded Chen with distaste. "And in case you haven't noticed, we are no longer in the workplace, so I can do whatever I damn well please. Which would be very unfortunate for you if I were as immature as you claim. But I'm not. So I'm gonna get in my car and go have fun with my niece and one of my real friends. See you 'round, Doctor Chen."
Turning sharply on her heel, Susan walked away and didn't look back. Inside she was fuming, wishing she would have given an even longer, profaner tongue-lashing. But she consoled herself with the fact that, if she had not been avoiding Chen to begin with and loitered in the doctors lounge for a few minutes after their shifts' end, she probably would have been the one who got stuck assisting the paramedics. She would have been the one getting slapped silly. But, as luck would have it...
Settling into the driver's seat of her car, Susan smirked at herself in the rearview mirror, turned the air conditioner on full-blast and began to think of amusing ways to narrate the whole story for Abby later.
*
Chapter 4: Fight Club
"That your kid?"
Abby glanced up at the man whose blood pressure she was checking. He tipped his head to the side, indicating the little girl that sat cross-legged on a nearby gurney, playing contentedly with a doll dressed in a surgical cap and mask, both of which had been donated by Elizabeth Corday. Suzy had tied the cap on Bernadette's head like a bonnet and fashioned the mask into some sort of sundress, and she was using a toy stethoscope from the box of playthings the staff had rigged up in the waiting area to mime everything Abby did. Well-behaved and quiet, Suzy had been no trouble for Abby to look out after as she made the rounds and cared for patients. Most people were charmed by the child's wispy blonde hair and sweet smile. Abby was beginning to think the hospital should have a cute kid on staff just to wander around and put everybody in a good mood.
"No, she belongs to a friend," Abby replied, undoing the Velcro of the blood pressure cuff and removing it from the man's upper arm.
He flexed his hand a few times then cracked his knuckles, each with a loud pop and crunch that made Abby want to cringe and captured Suzy's fascination until every last finger had its say. "So you're a nurse and a babysitter," he said, managing to look as if he had just swaggered up to Abby in a bar, even though he was seated on a gurney and wearing a paper gown, "what else can you do?" He licked his bottom lip and eyed her appreciatively.
"Colonoscopies," Abby said flatly. "Want one?"
The man chuckled at her cleverness. "Feisty to boot. I should come to the hospital more often."
"Keep it up and you might never make it home from this one." Abby gave the bag of saline solution she had just hooked to an IV pole a tiny flick. But instead of ominous, it came across as flirtatious. She didn't really mind. He wasn't a bad looking fellow, though too old for her. Probably 45 or so.
"Hmmm, Lockhart, eh?" He inspected the nametag pinned to Abby's baby blue scrubs, a twinkle in his brown eyes. "Sure your real name isn't Nurse Ratched?"
"'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', right?" Abby pretended to be unsure and continued when the man nodded. "That was before my time."
"So, how old does that make you? As long as you're over eighteen..."
Another witty remark from Abby surely would have followed if Chen had not approached them at that moment, a cool air about her as she gave the patient a stiff smile and avoided eye contact with Abby. "How are you feeling, Mister..." Chen drew out the last word expectantly.
"Perkins."
"Mr. Perkins?"
"Healthy as a horse." He leaned back against his pillow to look at Abby, who had to step aside as Chen crowded in to poke and prod his abdomen. "Miss Lockhart is taking fine care of me. We were just discussing modern literature. Have you ever read 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', Doctor?"
"Hmm?" Chen sounded distant, as if she hadn't really been listening. "Oh, no. I've seen the movie though. Didn't like it much."
"Shame," said Mr. Perkins, only half listening himself as he watched Abby move over to the gurney where Suzy played. He startled and blinked rapidly when, without warning, Chen passed a bright light before his eyes.
Several smart-ass comments about attendings doing scut work had come to mind, but Abby held her tongue and let the doctor take over. No sense in causing a scene in front of a patient. But if Chen wanted to flaunt her rank, she would have to do it with a smaller audience. Abby wasn't sticking around to see it. She held out her hand to Suzy.
With a hint of mild interest, Chen asked, "Is that Dr. Lewis's niece?"
"Yes." Abby continued to usher Suzy away, but Chen was persistent.
"What's her name?"
"Suzy."
"Named after her aunt, how cute," Chen cooed, forgetting about Mr. Perkins for the time being and focusing on the child at Abby's side. "And what a pretty girl."
"She's not the only one," Mr. Perkins chimed in, smile lines forming at the tiny upturned corners of his mouth and his eyes. He winked at Abby as she tried to pretend she hadn't noticed what he said. Chen was ignoring him as well, though she looked the slightest bit perturbed when she bent forward, resting her hands on her knees, to address Suzy. Abby felt five small fingers tighten around her hand. She gave them a reassuring squeeze.
"My name's Jing-Mei. I'm a doctor just like your aunt. How would you like to spend some time with me, get to see what a real doctor does?" Chen widened her eyes and rounded her lips into a surprised O shape, simulating the expression of someone who had just opened the world's greatest birthday gift.
Suzy stared and hesitantly shook her head, keeping her doll close to her chest, its head tucked under her chin. "No, thank you," she answered softly, "I ain't allowed to go with strangers. One kidnapped me once. I'll stay with Abby, she's Aunt Susan's friend. And a nurse. Me and Bernadette wanna be a nurse."
The phony excitement drained from Chen's face and she stood straight again, tugging primly at the bottom of her lab coat. "Okay. Have fun, then."
Abby couldn't help smirking when Chen departed as abruptly as she had arrived, and Mr. Perkins wondered out loud, "Who peed in her Cheerios?"
***
By the time 6 o'clock rolled around, Susan was plenty ready to hang up her stethoscope and ditch County General, never to return. At least until her next shift. She had been looking forward to her plans with Abby and Little Suzy all day, despite her doubts whether any of them would actually make it through an entire movie, let alone the two or three she had suggested while gabbing in the cafeteria. They had been so tired during lunch that no one even noticed Susan drinking her niece's chocolate milk, Abby pouring Susan's French dressing over her own garden salad, or Suzy not touching a bite of her grilled cheese but consuming an entire bag of mini Oreos that was meant to be split three ways.
They would be fast asleep by 8:30 p.m., Susan wagered; 9 at the latest. Oh well, tomorrow was Saturday. If Abby had the weekend off, they would have two whole glorious days to relax and finish the movie festival.
Hoping to God her friend's promise of a cool apartment was true, Susan clocked out and headed for the ambulance bay, the sweltering heat reaching through the open doors to embrace her before she even set foot on the pavement. Abby's shift had ended a couple hours prior to Susan's, and the nurse had taken Suzy home with her. They were to meet up at Abby's place and take things from there. Whatever -- as long as it involved air conditioning, Susan was game.
The mixture of fatigue and sultry air had already begun to take its toll, and Susan was toying with the idea that she might be willing to kill the next person she laid eyes on if a human sacrifice was necessary to end this heat wave, when she spotted Chen and two male paramedics grappling with a rotund woman who was strapped to a gurney and flailing violently.
"Witch, witch, you're a bitch!" the woman screamed in a shrill, chanting pitch. "Get your filthy mudblood hands off of me! Lord Voldemort will have your spleen on a plate! He'll dissect you like worms, he'll send you screaming straight to the pits of Hell, you Muggle scum, you-"
"Looks like another Potterpath," yelled the taller paramedic, drowning out a slew of curse words and gibberish, and looking rather amused as he dodged a swipe from the woman's beefy hand.
Visibly frazzled, Chen made a lame attempt to hold down the woman's other hand and hollered back, "A Potterpath??"
"A Harry Potter psychopath."
Susan knew very little about Harry Potter, but she sensed right away that his was a name not all "Potterpaths" cared to hear. The vexed woman emitted a terrible screechy howl and thrashed harder than ever.
"Potter will die! The Death Eaters will offer the head of Potter to our Dark Lord!" And with one more mighty swing to prove her point, the woman's massive hand connected with the closest thing in sight -- Chen's face.
"Damn," Susan muttered, unable to pry her eyes from the scene. It was as engrossing as a car wreck or one of those late night Jerry Springer episodes you just happened to pass while in a channel surfing stupor. Once it pulled you in, there was no turning back. She half-expected Chen to tear off her shirt, hop on the gurney and start pummeling the woman, all 300 or more pounds of her. It was almost disappointing when Chen merely stumbled backwards, clutching her inflamed cheek, and steadied herself against the open ambulance door, addled.
"You okay, Doc?" one of the EMS workers called over his shoulder, barely pausing for an answer as he and his partner wheeled their out-of-control delivery into the ER.
"Yeah," Chen said breathlessly.
They had not spoken since their bathroom episode this morning, and Susan had purposefully avoided Chen like the plague, but Susan now felt a pang of guilt as she watched the other woman trying to gather some composure and tough out the sting that must have been numbing the entire side of her face. A patient had slapped Susan once, back during her residency, and she recalled vividly the harsh prickly sensation that a swift hand could leave behind. More than physical pain, it wounded your pride and made you feel a perfect fool.
Shouldering Suzy's Powerpuff Girl backpack, which had been forgotten in the lounge and now rattled and clinked with a half empty bottle of juice and various vending machine staples that her niece had collected throughout the day, Susan chose the dutiful route and went over to make sure Chen was really okay. She caught the tail end of what sounded like a doozy of a sentence, its main goal to christen the slap happy patient a "crazy cow".
Not PC but a suitable nickname and a nice alliteration, Susan thought. "You take a helluva right hook, girl," she said gently, careful not to startle the already shaken doctor.
"You think this is funny?" Chen's eyes, although blurred with tears, were haughty and accusing as she thrust her chin upwards and quickly took her hand away from her cheek. Four long streaks were glowing there in bold, furious red.
"No. Just breaking the ice." Susan examined Chen casually, treating the rudeness as she would any nasty remark from a patient. People weren't concerned with being friendly when they were injured or sick, after all. It took some practice, but you learned to overlook it. "I'm from a dysfunctional family, I use humor as a defense mechanism," she added, pausing to smile as she tilted Chen's head back, checking for swelling or signs of damage to the eye.
"Well, sometimes humor is inappropriate," Chen snarled, pushing Susan's hands away. "You and your witty little friend Abby need to grow up and start acting like adults in the workplace. I don't know how either of you have survived this long with your level of unprofessionalism and the disregard for rules you practice on a regular basis."
For several painfully tempting moments, Susan wanted more than anything to give Chen a matching set of finger marks on her other cheek -- even things out a bit. She didn't waste time feeling hurt by the allegations; they were rubbish, especially coming from someone with Chen's history. Susan could remember when the hotshot doctor was just a clueless med student who screwed up the easiest of tasks, and, honestly, Jing-Mei Chen had not changed much since then.
"Look, I'm not sure if you're jealous or what, but don't drag Abby into this. She's not even here." Susan crossed her arms and regarded Chen with distaste. "And in case you haven't noticed, we are no longer in the workplace, so I can do whatever I damn well please. Which would be very unfortunate for you if I were as immature as you claim. But I'm not. So I'm gonna get in my car and go have fun with my niece and one of my real friends. See you 'round, Doctor Chen."
Turning sharply on her heel, Susan walked away and didn't look back. Inside she was fuming, wishing she would have given an even longer, profaner tongue-lashing. But she consoled herself with the fact that, if she had not been avoiding Chen to begin with and loitered in the doctors lounge for a few minutes after their shifts' end, she probably would have been the one who got stuck assisting the paramedics. She would have been the one getting slapped silly. But, as luck would have it...
Settling into the driver's seat of her car, Susan smirked at herself in the rearview mirror, turned the air conditioner on full-blast and began to think of amusing ways to narrate the whole story for Abby later.