Late Last Night
ch. 8
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July 9, 1900
We just got back from his funeral. Now it's real, only now does this feel permanent. All
it took was one day, for my life to be changed forever. It's amazing how the world still
continues on the same path, as if nothing has happened. It is scary how easy it is, this
morning we got up, and we sold our papers without him. Tomorrow, we will do the same
thing. This has all happened too fast! Two days ago I was the happiest I've ever been,
now I can't imagine feeling any more pain! My heart HURTS! I could not bring myself
to write down how it happened yesterday, so now, I feel like I have to, if for no reason
other than to relieve the horrible guilt which keeps taking it's ugly hands, and squeezing
my soul. I was the one who told him that he could go. Why couldn't I have been selfish,
just that once? If I had been, then Mush would still be here with me. It took us the entire
day to find him, and when we finally did, we wished we hadn't. Swifty was the one who
actually found him late last night. It was about midnight, and we had been searching all
day. He came back frustrated because there was nothing more that anyone could do. He
told us that he wanted to be alone for a little while, and that he'd be on the roof if anyone
needed him, or if we got word about Mush. A few minutes later, we heard him yelling
for Jack to get up there quick, and to leave the younger boys downstairs. I dashed up the
fire escape, and when I got to the roof, I saw a gruesome sight which has forever
imprinted itself into my memory. There, lying face up on the roof, was my Mush. His
face was a sickly bluish-purple color, and his eyes were wide open and staring straight
ahead. The terrified expression frozen on his face, absolutely broke my heart. But the
worst part, was his neck. It was obvious what had happened, it was all swollen and puffy,
and their were large discolored bruises all the way around it. They were the exact size
and shape of a pair of hands. Mush, for some inexplicable reason, had been murdered. I
stared in disbelief for a few seconds, before I collapsed to my knees, and started crying.
Thankfully, no one else noticed through their own tears. Thank God for Jack! He
remained level-headed enough to send someone to tell Kloppman, and to get the police.
He also sent someone down to the bunk room to get a blanket. After Mush's body was
covered, there was nothing more we could do. The funeral today seemed to last forever,
it felt as though everything and everyone was moving in slow motion. I tried desperately
to feel sad, or angry, or hurt, but I only felt numb. All of this seems so surreal, but when
they lowered the coffin containing the body of the one I loved into the ground, it all hit
home. I started crying again, silently this time, and when everyone threw a flower into
the final resting place of our friend, me and a few other people held one back to place on
top of the grave. I miss him so much! About an hour ago, I did something that scared me
so badly that I would never dream of doing it again. I was in the washroom, and I saw a
razor. It looked so inviting, that I picked it up, and before I knew what I was doing, it
was against my wrist, biting into my skin. Luckily I was able to stop myself before I
could do more than draw a drop of blood. Watching that one drop grow, and roll slowly
down my wrist, I knew that I couldn't kill myself. It's not what Mush would have wanted,
so tomorrow, I will get up, I will sell my papers, and I will keep on living. Because
THAT is what Mush would have wanted me to do. I still love him, and I always will.
Some things will never die. True love is one of those things.
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TBC