ACT II- The Sparkling Diamonds
(Pan from the Irkhemian hotel towards a large building with a windmill in front. A sign is hung over the front doors that reads, "Moulin Vert" in freshly painted, green letters. The windmill blades turn slowly and are covered in green and white Christmas lights. The same symbol that is on the front of the Tallests' ship is painted on the front of the windmill-also green. The camera flies over the entire building and we see an open courtyard with a large, green monkey statue. There is a path winding through the courtyard that leads to a huge dance hall.)
Purple Zidler's Voice: THE MOULIN VERT!
Jentian as Narrator: Purple Zidler and his supposedly infamous females. They called them his "Diamond Dogs." The exact reason why they were called this is a mystery... I just know that was what he called them...
(We see Jentian and the Irkhemians enter the Moulin Vert amongst a large crowd of mixed aliens and humans. All are male. Zoom through the front doors, through the courtyard and into the dance hall. It's wildly decorated in greens and golds with machines that spew purple smoke everywhere. There is a stage up high for the musicians to play, a big dance floor in the center, and little alcoves all along the walls where gentlemen can sit. Girls, both human and non, are everywhere, most on the dance floor in exotic costumes)
SONG - SMELLS LIKE MARMALADE
Girls sing: Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir? Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister. Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister.
(Zoom up to the stage where the musicians play. Purple Zidler is standing there, directing them and being all important)
Purple Zidler sings: When work's an awful bore and living's just a chore but death is not much fun. I've got the antidote. And though I mustn't gloat. At the Moulin Vert... You'll have fun! So scratch that little niggle, Have a little wiggle! 'Cause you can, can, can!
Crowd chants: Yes, you can, can, can!
Girls sing: Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir? (advance on the males that have just walked through the doors)
Purple Zidler sings: But you can't, can't, can't! (girls back up from the males)
Crowd chants: Yes, you can, can, can!
Girls sing: Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir? (advance again)
Purple Zidler sings: But you can, can, can!
(more men enter in a large crowd, all are wearing tuxes and top hats, they all walk in the same rhythm. The Irkhemians and Jentian are among them, and the camera does a brief close-up of them)
Males sing: Here we are now, entertain us! We feel stupid and contagious.
Zimlouse: (spoken) ZIM?? Stupid!? Who wrote this song of liiiiiies!?
(zoom backwards, to the front door of the dance hall. Purple Zidler is suddenly there, letting males go through the doors)
Purple Zidler sings: Got some dark desire? Love to play with fire? (AF, in a bright red costume waves her flamethrower behind him as he says this) Why not let it rip? Live a little bit! 'Cause you can, can, can!
Crowd chants: Yes, you can, can, can! (girls advance)
Males sing: Here we are now, entertain us!
(zoom back into the dance hall, Purple Zidler is in front of the girls now, walking forward and backwards with them)
Purple Zidler sings: But you can't can't, can't! (they back up)
Girls sing: Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir?
Crowd chants: Yes, you can, can, can! (they walk forward)
Males sing: If you're stupid and contagious. (they are now mingling with the rest of the Crowd)
(zoom out to the street. Purple Zidler is there with an umbrella in the rain as horses and buggies and voot cruisers pass him by)
Purple Zidler sings: Outside it may be raining, (cut to the dance hall... Purple Zidler is there again) but in here it's entertaining! Cause you can, can, can! Cause you can, can, can!
Males sing: Here we are now, entertain us!
Purple Zidler sings: (is once again on top of the musicians' platform) Outside things may be tragic, But in here we think it's magic!
Crowd sings: Here we are now, entertain us!
Purple Zidler: (spoken) SILENCE!!
(the entire place goes dead silent)
Purple Zidler: (spoken) Thank you! My antennae were aching from all that hideous singing! Let's see... (bends down to examine a box) What dance shall we do...? (he frowns) How do I work this thing again...? Oh, right... here we go... (he turns a spinny device and the box spins)
(pan through the crowd. We can now see who some of the girls are.)
Bast: (in her blue costume, to AF on her left) I hope to god it's not the can-can...
AF: It's ALWAYS the can-can!
Aqua: (turns to them, as they are behind her-she is wearing an aqua costume) How are we supposed to can-can in corsets anyway?!?
Bast: Really carefully...
(whip-pan back to the musician's platform. The box slowly stops spinning)
Purple Zidler: (spoken) Not again... (whispers) The Can-can!
(all the girls groan and hurriedly move into one big cluster at one end of the dance floor, forming into neat lines. There is a long pause. Then the musicians burst into the song and the girls start can-caning wildly, skirts flying... and.. stuff. The males stay out of the way as best they can, but still try and stay close to the girls.)
Crowd sings: Because we can, can, can
Because we can can can can can can can can can
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here
Mocha Chocolata ya ya
Creole Lady Marmalade
(we zoom in on Jentian who is attempting to dance with the can-caning Bast)
Jentian sings: Cause it's good for your mind-(he screams) OW!!! (falls to the ground)
Bast: (spoken, stops can-caning abruptly) Ohmygod! I'm sorry!! I kicked you didn't I!?
Jentian: (spoken while on the floor twitching) What was your first clue...?
(zoom back out to include the rest of the crowd. Some of the poorer can-can dancers have kicked their "dance partners" as well, and a lot of males are lying twitching. Not to say Bast is a bad can-can dancer!)
Crowd chants: Because we can, can, can
Because we can can can can can can can can can
END OF SONG
(zoom over to one of the wall alcoves, we see it has a table and seats all around it.
Jentian and Zimlouse sit on the ends, GIRie next to Zimlouse and the Redgentinean beside Jentian)
Jentian: For the last time you... Redgentinean! I am NOT dancing with you!
Redgentinean: I never asked you to! That was GIRie!
GIRie: (dances on the table) I'm gonna dance like a can-can GIRL!!
Zimlouse: (smacks his hand on the table) GIRie! Get off that table at once! You are spilling the drinks!
GIRie: Aww... okay Master! I hug yoooou! (jumps off the table and hugs Zim around the waist)
Zimlouse: (pries GIRie off him) Go dance or something!! (to the others) Our grand mission of evading DOOM is accomplished. Using MY brilliant plan we have-
Redgentinean: I thought it was all our idea, ZIMlouse...
Zimlouse: (looking for a way out) Eh.. erm... um-(catches sight of someone descending on a trapeze from the ceiling into a large crowd of males)-It's her! The "Sparkling Diamond!
SONG - SPARKLING DIAMONDS
(cut to a close up of Takine's face. She is wearing a top hat to hide her face, thin fishnet leggings, black high-heels, and a weird black bodysuit that cuts off at hips and upper torso. All in all, this outfit is revealing and perfect for the Moulin Vert. The only part of her face we can see is from her lips down)
Takine sings: The French are glad to die for love. They delight in fighting duels.
Jentian as Narrator: (spoken, as the camera slowly pans from Takine over to another, dark alcove) But someone else was to meet Satine that night. Someone truly evil... someone so dark and mysterious... someone who was...
Takine sings: (close up of her lips) But I prefer a man who lives . . .
Jentian as Narrator: (spoken, camera panning back towards the dark alcove. Two figures become visible inside, silhouetted.) Zidler's investor...
Takine sings: (close up of her lips) And gives expensive jewels.
Jentian as Narrator: (spoken as the camera abruptly cuts to the interior of the alcove. We can see the two figures now. One is Purple Zidler, the other is the Dib-Duke. Close up on the Dib-Duke) The horrifying-okay, not really horrifying, but still spooky and very large-headed-Dib-Duke.
Takine sings: (swings over the crowd on her trapeze)
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
but diamonds are a girl's best friend
(drops down onto a stage in front of the crowd and dances around in mock enthusiasm)
A kiss may be grand
but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat...
Or help you feed your... (meows) pussycat!
Men grow cold as girls grow old,
and we all lose our charms in the end
(walks off the stage and falls) OW!! (spoken) YOU MORONIC INGRATES!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO CATCH ME!! How can you be any more BRAINLESS! Get me off this FILTHY floor!! (she regains her composure and sings again as the males pick her up and she crowd-surfs on them)
But square cut or pear shaped,
these rocks don't lose their shapes
Diamonds are a girl's best friend!
(the males toss her in the air) Tiffany's!
(she lands back on them)
(cut back to the alcove)
Dib-Duke: (spoken, watching Takine) Soo... when do I... you know.. meet her?
Purple Zidler: (spoken, sipping some absinthe) Well, it took some doing. Mademoiselle Takine's a real pain if she doesn't get her snacks in the morning, so I had Professor Chocolat go and make her some super toast-
Dib-Duke: (spoken, rolls his eyes) Just tell me if I get to meet her or not!
Purple Zidler: (spoken, irritated) AS I WAS SAYING! (clears his throat) Anyway, after her number and some more super toast, I've arranged a special meeting with you and Mademoiselle Takine . . .
Dib-Duke: (spoken) Alone?
Purple Zidler: (spoken with an evil smile-or as evil a smile as he's capable of) How's TOTALLY ALONE work for you?
(cut to Takine's number)
Takine: (is tossed) CARTIER! (is caught)
(cut back to the Irkhemians' alcove)
Zimlouse: (spoken, to Jentian) You may thank my amazing skills of sneaky... ness, Jentian... (grins evilly)
Jentian: (spoken with an odd look at Zimlouse) Why don't I trust that smile...?
Zimlouse: (spoken indignantly) You should! I am doing you such a great favor that your brain of writing... stuff, cannot comprehend its astonishing-ness in time to repay me!
Jentian: (spoken with a groan) I hate to ask but... what did you do now, Zimlouse...?
Zimlouse: (spoken, folding his arms) After that female's song number, I have arranged a private meeting with only you and Mademoiselle Takine. I am so amazing, no?
GIRie: AMAZING MAZTUR!!
Redgentinean: (spoken) You were supposed to do that for me, you stupid midget!!
Jentian: (spoken) Alone? Me and her...? Alone? (swallows nervously)
(split-screen to show both Purple Zidler and Zimlouse at the same time)
Zimlouse and Purple Zidler: (spoken) TOTALLY alone.
(cut back to Takine's song/dance. She's somehow landed amongst a bunch of girls)
Takine, Kami, and Diartemis sing: Cause we are living in a material world,
and I am a material girl! (blow kisses to the guys)
(Takine is yanked back up onto the stage by the males, some of which grab Bast and Remliss to dance with)
Takine sings: (back onstage) Black star, Rozz call,
talk to me Purry Zidler, tell me all about it!
(Purple Zidler appears onstage behind her and they have a little duet)
There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer!
Purple Zidler sings: But diamonds are a girl's best friend
Takine sings: There may come a time when a hot-boiled employer think's you're-
Purple Zidler sings: --Awful nice! (puts an arm around her)
Takine: OH!! YOU! (smacks his arm away, then sings)
But get that eye sore, else no dice!
(cut back to the alcoves. Sometime during this song, GIRie got away from Zimlouse and spilt the Dib-Duke's drink on him, then ran away to dance like all the can-can dancers)
Zimlouse: (spoken, waving his hands at the other Irkhemians) Don't worry, don't worry, the mighty ZIM will get this mess cleaned up..
Redgentinean: (spoken) You better! That human's getting mad...
Zimlouse: (scurries off to clean GIRie's mess up)
(cut back to the stage where Purple Zidler pretends to tease Takine with a diamond necklace)
Takine: (spoken as she tries to jump and grab the necklace) Is the Dib-Duke here YET, my Tallest?? He better not keep me waiting!
Purple Zidler: (spoken, holding the necklace above her) Yeah, he's here. Never SEEN a human that nervous about anything...
(cut back to the alcove. The Redgentinean and Jentian are standing nervously, watching Zimlouse)
Zimlouse: (spoken) Would you hold STILL you miserable little human!? At least I am ATTEMPTING to dry your drink from your idiotic coat!
Dib-Duke: (spoken, shoving at Zimlouse) GET OFF me, you rotten little alien!
(cut back to the stage)
Takine: (spoken) Where is he?
(Purple Zidler looks over Takine's head to scout out the Dib-Duke. Cut to the alcove. We see Zimlouse now shaking the hanky at the Dib-Duke, angry that the Dib-Duke is pushing him. The Dib-Duke pushes him away more, yelling at him. Cut back to the stage.)
Purple Zidler: (spoken with an eye roll) The wet one Zimlouse is shaking that hanky at.
(Cut back to the alcove. Zimlouse goes to Jentian to get another hanky, as his was torn up by the Dib-Duke, who now glares at Zimlouse with a smug expression)
Zimlouse: (spoken as he pulls Jentian's handkerchief out of his pocket) I'm taking your napkin thing, Jentian! That INFERNAL HUUUman shredded mine.
Girls singing in the background: Diamonds are a girl's best,
diamonds are a girl's best,
diamonds are a girl's best friend...
(cut back to the stage. Takine turns around Purple Zidler to see. Cut to the alcove. Zimlouse is now shaking Jentian's handkerchief at Jentian, which misleads Takine into thinking Jentian is the Dib-Duke. Cut back to the stage)
Takine: (spoken in confusion) Him? You're sure? Are you wearing your glasses?
(cut to the alcoves again. Zimlouse ventures back to the Dib-Duke and is now, instead of trying to dry him off, is ranting at him, while the Dib-Duke yells back. Zimlouse shakes his iron fist at the Dib-Duke, thus waving the handkerchief at HIM now.)
Purple Zidler: (spoken) I don't WEAR glasses... Let me see...
Zimlouse: (spoken) You sniveling DISGUSTING HUUUMan! I don't even see why I BOTHERED to try HELP DRY your sickening SELF off!!
Dib-Duke: (spoken) Oh go drink yourself to death, you stupid alien or Irkhemian or whatever you call yourself!
(cut back to the stage)
Purple Zidler: (spoken with an eye roll) That's the one... (mumbled) I hope that stupid midget hasn't frightened him off....
Takine: (spoken) He will EVENTUALLY! Idiotic short thing! I don't see why he hangs around here anyway-GIVE ME THAT NECKLACE!! I need it!
(cut back to alcoves)
Zimlouse: (spoken) Clean yourself off you little worm-pig-weasel-pig!! (throws the handkerchief at the Dib-Duke) And I hope your IDIOTIC tuxedo RIPS!
Dib-Duke: (spoken indignantly) You rotten alien! (turns around) Hey! Bodyguard! Get out here! Someone's threatening me!
Keef: (pops up behind the Dib-Duke, cheery as always) I'll take them to the circus for you, Dib!
Zimlouse: (spoken-er, screamed as he spots Keef) SWEET JUMPING CHILI BEANS!!
(backs up quickly)
Keef: (spoken) Hiya Zimlouse!
Zimlouse: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (flees back to his table and hides behind the Redgentinean)
Redgentinean: (spoken) I told you that would happen if you bugged him.. (acting all superior)
(cut back to the stage)
Takine: (spoken) Will he invest?
(a bunch of can-can girls circle the two and hold up their skirts so Takine can change her costume without anyone seeing-this is part of the act)
Takine: (spoken, notices Purple Zidler's in the skirt shield with her) GAAH! GET OUT OF HERE!! What are you doing in here!? I'M CHANGING!!
Purple Zidler: (spoken while turning around so his back is to her) What makes you think I WANT to look!? Geez! You have a sick mind, Takine.
Takine: (spoken, while changing) What do you expect!? Look at where I WORK for god's sake!!! (regains her composure) Is that human going to invest or not? I don't want to waste my time with him if he isn't.
Purple Zidler: (spoken, his back still to her) Pigeon, after spending the night with you, how can he refuse? Humans LOVE this sort of thing! Think of it as a bribe.
Takine: (spoken, stopping changing to stare at his back) Did you just call me a dirty disgusting EARTH bird? What's wrong with you!? Brain worms!!?
Purple Zidler: (spoken with a shrug) Relax. It's a pet name. I'm the owner. I can do those things! (pauses) By the way, Takine... His favorite type of... female, I'd guess would be a smoldering temptress.
Takine: (spoken, pausing again) A what?
Purple Zidler: (spoken) It's kind of like what the humans call a dominatrix... I think-How the hell should I know??? I just run this place! You girls do all that... tempressing... stuff!
Takine: (spoken, changing again) I'll figure something out! You go sing or play with your smoke or something...
Purple Zidler: (spoken after a pause) This place is relying on you Takine... If it pays off enough, you'll be--
Takine: (spoken, interrupting him) An Invader, yeah, yeah I know. Although, how me being all tempressy to a Dib-Duke makes me an Invader, I fail to see.
(the two pop out from behind the skirts, Takine all dressed and stuff. The crowd picks her up and she points towards the Irkhemians' alcove. The crowd surfs her over to them.)
Takine sings: Cause that's when those louses go back to their spouses!!
(the crowd dumps her in front of the Irkhemian alcove)
Takine sings: (runs up to Jentian and bats her eyes flirtatiously-but is doing a lousy job acting like she likes him) Diamonds are a girl's best friend!
END OF SONG
Takine: (purrs unconvincingly) I believe you were expecting me.
Jentian: (surprised) Yes...
Takine: (turns to the crowd) I'm afraid it's ladies choice, you sniveling males.
Jentian: (lost) What the...?
Crowd: (disappointed noises)
Zimlouse: (grabs Takine and turns her to face him) YOU! Meet my.. eh.. meet Jentian!
(points in Jentian's random direction)
Takine: (shoves Zimlouse off) NEVER touch me, you disGUSTING little WORM!! (calms herself and pulls Jentian to the dance floor as The Rhythm of the Night starts to play) Let's dance!
Jentian: (is dragged) GAH! Okay... (nervous)
Zimlouse: (stares after them) Incredible! That actually seemed to go well...
Redgentinean: He has a gift with the women! (nods proudly) You have to have one yourself to recognize it!
Purple Zidler: (watching from the orchestra platform again) ...That Dib-Duke can actually dance... I didn't think humans were functional on their feet... and how'd he get so tall...?
Takine: (dancing with Jentian and pretending she's having the time of her life) It is very generous of you, sir, to be interested in this show.
Jentian: (dancing, doing a lousy job dancing) It sounds pretty exciting... with lazers and smoke and all... I'd like being involved... I think.
Takine: (skeptical) Really...?
Jentian: (nervous) Well... um.. that is.. assuming... you like my work... (blushes-he's talking about writing)
Takine: (unconvincing purr) Eh... I'm sure I will... (she's talking about... doing the courtesan thing)
Jentian: (trips over his own foot) OOF! . (gets more graceful... kinda) Zimlouse said we'd.. be able to have privacy... (-writing)
Takine: (blinks) He did? (-courtesan thing)
Jentian: Yes, you know, a private... (trips yet again) . poetry reading.
Takine: Poetry reading? Is that what they call it now?
Jentian: Huh?
Takine: Oh! Erm. Nothing! Uh, sure! Poetry reading! Sounds.... Eh... delightful.
Jentian: Oh good! So, when do we start-
Takine: (cutting him off) Hold onto your hat!!
Jentian: I'm not wearing a hat...
(as one, all the males' top hats fly into the air. While they're in the air, Takine somehow manages to get up on her trapeze again. Cut to a close up of Takine)
Takine sings: (as the trapeze is raised) Square cut or pear shaped
These rocks don't lose
Their shape
Diamonds...
Diamonds...
Are a girls best... (she stops, gasping dramatically for air, then faints and falls down towards the crowd)
Crowd: (falls dead silent)
Prof. Chocolate: (wandering around below) Let's see... where did I put that new formula...? I could have sworn I-(Takine falls on him)-What on Earth!?
Purple Zildler: (calling down from the platform) Oh thank IRK! You caught her! I'm not going to be sued!
Prof. Chocolate: Oh.. yes. I did, didn't I? So... where do you want her?
Purple Zidler: (calling) Backstage.
Prof. Chocolate: All right! Come Mademoiselle! To bed with you! Perhaps you'd like to hear my latest calculations on my newest theory... (voice fades as he walks off)
Random Crowd Human: HEY! Wha'd you do? I paid good moneys to see her and you shove her off a trapeze!
Random Crowd Alien: Yeah! Wha'd you do?? Huh?! HUH!?
Random Crowd Alien #2: Give me my moneys back!
Random Crowd Human: YEAH! MONEYS! WHOO!
Purple Zidler: (frantic) Hey! Be quiet all of you! Um... that was part of the act! Yeah! That's it! She was supposed to disappear but I guess CERTAIN REDGENTINEANS have been messing with the smoke effects and-
Redgentinean: (yelling from the crowd) I DIDN'T TOUCH YOUR STUPID SMOKE!
Purple Zidler: (continuing)-AND they didn't go off, but ANYWAY! Let's have some clapping for Mademoiselle Takine!
Crowd: YEAH! WHOOOOO!! SHAKE IT IRKEN CHICK! (etc.)
(cut to a pillar where two dancing girls are lounging)
Gazi: (in her purple costume, all... Gaz-ish) Looks like the Dib-Duke isn't going to be getting what he paid for after all... stupid Dib.
AnimeGirl: Don't be so mean Gazi...
Gazi: Grrr... Be quiet. Otherwise you might have an accident next time we do the can-can...
AnimeGirl: (shuts up)
Purple Zidler: (looks around frantically while muttering to himself) Oh GODS! What could have happened?? Why isn't anyone out here TELLING me anything? What am I supposed to do if she died or something? I could have the Courtesan Union on my green arse...!
Shatai the Bartender: (calling up from the floor below Purple Zidler) Hey! Hey! Hey, down here!
Purple Zidler: (looks down) What? Oh! Hey, what happened!?
Shatai the Bartender: How should I know?! Bitterie's taking care of her!
Purple Zidler: (whispering) Well what am I supposed to do then!? This crowd's about to go xenocidal!
Shatai: (thinks) Uh... tell them she ran away because they stink!
Purple Zidler: (whispered) WHAT!? How does that help? Oh... fine.. Not like I have a better idea... (calls to the crowd) You scared her off! She'll be back though! Hey! Look around you though! There's a hundred Moulin Vert dancers out there who'd love to dance! Take them for a spin while we wait for her!
(The music starts up again as the camera cuts to Takine's dressing room. There are several can-can dancers in there, huddled at the door to reassure themselves that Takine isn't dying. Bitterie stands over Takine's couch, where Takine is lying, seemingly unconscious)
Bitterie: (turns to the girls) Away with you! Before you catch a horrible disease and become ugly. Then no man will pay to see you.
Galadriel Weasley: But... but we just want to make sure-
Aqua: (cutting her off and stepping in front of her) That Takine isn't dead or anything, but we can see she's alive because she's staring at us so... BYE! (turns to run off but runs into one of the other girls)
Zam: (waves to Takine, despite the fact that Aqua ran into her) Hi Takine! Are you all right?
Takine: (groggy) Ugh... what happened...? (sits up)
Bitterie: (looming over Takine) You fainted. And almost fell to your doom on the dance floor. I think you have a horrifying disease.
Takine: (laughs) Oh you silly human! That's impossible! It was probably just these idiotic costumes those males like so well! They get tight, you know.
Shatai the Bartender: (walks past the girls and starts shooing them out) All right, all right... out you go! Go on! If the guys don't dance, they don't get thirsty and if they don't get thirsty I don't make moneys and if I don't make moneys-
Bittrie: (cutting him off)-you'll be dooooooooomed...
Shatai the Bartender: Erm.. Yeah... hey, what's going on in here?
Bittrie: (gestures to Takine) She's sick... and therefore doomed by a terrifying disease which will one day cause her to meet her inevitable death far too soon.
Shatai the Bartender: .........Oookay...
Takine: Eh-hehe.. Basically, you don't need to worry!
Shatai the Bartender: Oh, all right! You better get ready for that Duke-person. (heads off)
Takine: OH IRK! (starts coughing violently)
Bittrie: Germs! (waves a tissue in her face) Before Zidler panics and falls off that platform onto his head!
Takine: (takes the tissue and coughs into it for a few moments) Ugh... (shakes her head) Much better! (she drops the tissue and heads off to change clothes)
Bittrie: (examines dropped tissue, there are obvious bloodstains on it) Hmmmmmmmmmm... I was right... (slithers off)
(cut to Dib-Duke's alcove, where we find the large-headed member of the nobility in conversation with Keef)
Dib the Duke: Okay. The number's over. Now, what I need you to do is find Zimlouse and take a few pictures of-
Keef: (confused) But I thought you were here to see that Takine person...
Dib the Duke: Uhh... right. I forgot. (glances around) I'll find her myself. You just... go get those pictures of Zimlouse. Preferably without his hat on.
Keef: Okay! Zim'll be so happy to have his portrait taken! He might even give me a hug!
Dib the Duke: Uh huh... you... do that... (heads off to find the entrance to the Monkey)
Keef: Where are you Zimlouse!? (runs off the other way)
(cut back to Takine's dressing room. She is standing before a large mirror while Bittrie looks on and Can-Can girl Lynne helps Takine with her "temptressing" dress)
Bittrie: (looming in a dark corner) That duke liked you.
Lynne: (tying Takine's corset) Yeah, if he keeps liking you, you'll be out of this hellhole...
Takine: (looking in the mirror) Yes, yes. I shall be the greatest! Invader, though, not courtesany... person.
Lynne: (rolls her eyes) Yes, invading and blowing stuff up is SO much better than your current occupation...
Bittrie: (hisses faintly) Yes. It is. Dooming things is better than... whatever it is you do here.
Takine: (haughty) Of course it is! I will conquer everything! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (stops laughing as more coughing fits threaten) Heh.
(cut to behind the trio. We can now see the door, but their backs as well)
Purple Zidler: (bursting through the door, looking panicked, as usual) Takine! Are you okay!? Are you dying!? Did you break your neck!? DO YOU HAVE A TUMOR!?
Takine: (turns to face him) I'm fine!
Purple Zidler: (looks extremely relieved) OH THANK IRK! (sinks into a chair)
Lynne: Oh calm down... (fans him with a pillow) Don't have a coronary on us.
Purple Zidler: Thank you Lynne... (relaxing as we speak) Ahh... That went pretty good!
Takine: Of COURSE it did! I TOLD you I knew how to do my job!
Purple Zidler: It's not the dancing I'm concerned about... he's our biggest patron and you have a slight tendency not to... how do I put this...?
Lynne: (helpfully) Be what people expect?
Purple Zidler: Yeah! That! The last guy you took to the Monkey ran out screaming in fear for his squeedly-spooch.
Takine: (indignant) HMMPF! He STANK! What was I SUPPOSED to do!?
Purple Zidler: Not do... what you did?
Takine: FINE! (pouts, folding her arms and leaning against the mirror) Well!? You never said how I looked!
Purple Zidler: You look... ehh... (studies her) Like a tempressy person!
Takine: All right! (raises a claw into the air) TO THE MONKEY!!
(at this, the screen blacks out, fading back in to what appears to be a backstage area, people are half in costume, running around, practicing last-minute lines, fixing make-up, etc. The set for Moulin Vert can be seen between breaks in the curtain)
Bast: (running up to AF) AF! AAAAAAAAF!!
AF: (pinning her corset back up) Hm?
Bast: You can't let her go through with this!
AF: (looks up) Wha? (confused)
Bast: TAK! I refuse to allow her to do the Monkey scene with MY DAI!
Jendai: (pokes his head out of a dressing room) Someone call me?
AF: No Dai! Get your make-up fixed!
Bast: DAI! Wait! (rushes over to him) You can't do the next scene with Tak! Please! (hugs him around the waist)
Jendai: Um... (hugs her back reassuringly) I have to... Bast, it's just acting... I...
Bast: Fine! If you're convinced you HAVE to do that stupid scene with TAK, I'll make SURE you CAN'T! (runs off, cackling evilly)
AF: (nervously) Suddenly... I fear for Tak's life... or... at least her singing ability...
Jendai: Me... too... (ducks back into his dressing room)
Zim: [offscreen] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! BAST DO NOT HURT ZIM!! IAMNOTTHEONEYOUWAAAAAAAAANT!
Purple: [os] MOTHER OF IRK!
Red: [os] HEY! That's MY lazer!
Tak: [os] AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--...
(there are loud crashy, bangy sounds, followed by screamy noises. After a moment, Bast comes back, her can-can costume switched for the one Takine wears in the next scene)
Bast: (all smug) How do I look? Smoldering tempress?
AF: ............ (hastily) Well um, then.. ONWITHTHESHOW!
(Pan from the Irkhemian hotel towards a large building with a windmill in front. A sign is hung over the front doors that reads, "Moulin Vert" in freshly painted, green letters. The windmill blades turn slowly and are covered in green and white Christmas lights. The same symbol that is on the front of the Tallests' ship is painted on the front of the windmill-also green. The camera flies over the entire building and we see an open courtyard with a large, green monkey statue. There is a path winding through the courtyard that leads to a huge dance hall.)
Purple Zidler's Voice: THE MOULIN VERT!
Jentian as Narrator: Purple Zidler and his supposedly infamous females. They called them his "Diamond Dogs." The exact reason why they were called this is a mystery... I just know that was what he called them...
(We see Jentian and the Irkhemians enter the Moulin Vert amongst a large crowd of mixed aliens and humans. All are male. Zoom through the front doors, through the courtyard and into the dance hall. It's wildly decorated in greens and golds with machines that spew purple smoke everywhere. There is a stage up high for the musicians to play, a big dance floor in the center, and little alcoves all along the walls where gentlemen can sit. Girls, both human and non, are everywhere, most on the dance floor in exotic costumes)
SONG - SMELLS LIKE MARMALADE
Girls sing: Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir? Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister. Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister.
(Zoom up to the stage where the musicians play. Purple Zidler is standing there, directing them and being all important)
Purple Zidler sings: When work's an awful bore and living's just a chore but death is not much fun. I've got the antidote. And though I mustn't gloat. At the Moulin Vert... You'll have fun! So scratch that little niggle, Have a little wiggle! 'Cause you can, can, can!
Crowd chants: Yes, you can, can, can!
Girls sing: Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir? (advance on the males that have just walked through the doors)
Purple Zidler sings: But you can't, can't, can't! (girls back up from the males)
Crowd chants: Yes, you can, can, can!
Girls sing: Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir? (advance again)
Purple Zidler sings: But you can, can, can!
(more men enter in a large crowd, all are wearing tuxes and top hats, they all walk in the same rhythm. The Irkhemians and Jentian are among them, and the camera does a brief close-up of them)
Males sing: Here we are now, entertain us! We feel stupid and contagious.
Zimlouse: (spoken) ZIM?? Stupid!? Who wrote this song of liiiiiies!?
(zoom backwards, to the front door of the dance hall. Purple Zidler is suddenly there, letting males go through the doors)
Purple Zidler sings: Got some dark desire? Love to play with fire? (AF, in a bright red costume waves her flamethrower behind him as he says this) Why not let it rip? Live a little bit! 'Cause you can, can, can!
Crowd chants: Yes, you can, can, can! (girls advance)
Males sing: Here we are now, entertain us!
(zoom back into the dance hall, Purple Zidler is in front of the girls now, walking forward and backwards with them)
Purple Zidler sings: But you can't can't, can't! (they back up)
Girls sing: Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir?
Crowd chants: Yes, you can, can, can! (they walk forward)
Males sing: If you're stupid and contagious. (they are now mingling with the rest of the Crowd)
(zoom out to the street. Purple Zidler is there with an umbrella in the rain as horses and buggies and voot cruisers pass him by)
Purple Zidler sings: Outside it may be raining, (cut to the dance hall... Purple Zidler is there again) but in here it's entertaining! Cause you can, can, can! Cause you can, can, can!
Males sing: Here we are now, entertain us!
Purple Zidler sings: (is once again on top of the musicians' platform) Outside things may be tragic, But in here we think it's magic!
Crowd sings: Here we are now, entertain us!
Purple Zidler: (spoken) SILENCE!!
(the entire place goes dead silent)
Purple Zidler: (spoken) Thank you! My antennae were aching from all that hideous singing! Let's see... (bends down to examine a box) What dance shall we do...? (he frowns) How do I work this thing again...? Oh, right... here we go... (he turns a spinny device and the box spins)
(pan through the crowd. We can now see who some of the girls are.)
Bast: (in her blue costume, to AF on her left) I hope to god it's not the can-can...
AF: It's ALWAYS the can-can!
Aqua: (turns to them, as they are behind her-she is wearing an aqua costume) How are we supposed to can-can in corsets anyway?!?
Bast: Really carefully...
(whip-pan back to the musician's platform. The box slowly stops spinning)
Purple Zidler: (spoken) Not again... (whispers) The Can-can!
(all the girls groan and hurriedly move into one big cluster at one end of the dance floor, forming into neat lines. There is a long pause. Then the musicians burst into the song and the girls start can-caning wildly, skirts flying... and.. stuff. The males stay out of the way as best they can, but still try and stay close to the girls.)
Crowd sings: Because we can, can, can
Because we can can can can can can can can can
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here
Mocha Chocolata ya ya
Creole Lady Marmalade
(we zoom in on Jentian who is attempting to dance with the can-caning Bast)
Jentian sings: Cause it's good for your mind-(he screams) OW!!! (falls to the ground)
Bast: (spoken, stops can-caning abruptly) Ohmygod! I'm sorry!! I kicked you didn't I!?
Jentian: (spoken while on the floor twitching) What was your first clue...?
(zoom back out to include the rest of the crowd. Some of the poorer can-can dancers have kicked their "dance partners" as well, and a lot of males are lying twitching. Not to say Bast is a bad can-can dancer!)
Crowd chants: Because we can, can, can
Because we can can can can can can can can can
END OF SONG
(zoom over to one of the wall alcoves, we see it has a table and seats all around it.
Jentian and Zimlouse sit on the ends, GIRie next to Zimlouse and the Redgentinean beside Jentian)
Jentian: For the last time you... Redgentinean! I am NOT dancing with you!
Redgentinean: I never asked you to! That was GIRie!
GIRie: (dances on the table) I'm gonna dance like a can-can GIRL!!
Zimlouse: (smacks his hand on the table) GIRie! Get off that table at once! You are spilling the drinks!
GIRie: Aww... okay Master! I hug yoooou! (jumps off the table and hugs Zim around the waist)
Zimlouse: (pries GIRie off him) Go dance or something!! (to the others) Our grand mission of evading DOOM is accomplished. Using MY brilliant plan we have-
Redgentinean: I thought it was all our idea, ZIMlouse...
Zimlouse: (looking for a way out) Eh.. erm... um-(catches sight of someone descending on a trapeze from the ceiling into a large crowd of males)-It's her! The "Sparkling Diamond!
SONG - SPARKLING DIAMONDS
(cut to a close up of Takine's face. She is wearing a top hat to hide her face, thin fishnet leggings, black high-heels, and a weird black bodysuit that cuts off at hips and upper torso. All in all, this outfit is revealing and perfect for the Moulin Vert. The only part of her face we can see is from her lips down)
Takine sings: The French are glad to die for love. They delight in fighting duels.
Jentian as Narrator: (spoken, as the camera slowly pans from Takine over to another, dark alcove) But someone else was to meet Satine that night. Someone truly evil... someone so dark and mysterious... someone who was...
Takine sings: (close up of her lips) But I prefer a man who lives . . .
Jentian as Narrator: (spoken, camera panning back towards the dark alcove. Two figures become visible inside, silhouetted.) Zidler's investor...
Takine sings: (close up of her lips) And gives expensive jewels.
Jentian as Narrator: (spoken as the camera abruptly cuts to the interior of the alcove. We can see the two figures now. One is Purple Zidler, the other is the Dib-Duke. Close up on the Dib-Duke) The horrifying-okay, not really horrifying, but still spooky and very large-headed-Dib-Duke.
Takine sings: (swings over the crowd on her trapeze)
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
but diamonds are a girl's best friend
(drops down onto a stage in front of the crowd and dances around in mock enthusiasm)
A kiss may be grand
but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat...
Or help you feed your... (meows) pussycat!
Men grow cold as girls grow old,
and we all lose our charms in the end
(walks off the stage and falls) OW!! (spoken) YOU MORONIC INGRATES!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO CATCH ME!! How can you be any more BRAINLESS! Get me off this FILTHY floor!! (she regains her composure and sings again as the males pick her up and she crowd-surfs on them)
But square cut or pear shaped,
these rocks don't lose their shapes
Diamonds are a girl's best friend!
(the males toss her in the air) Tiffany's!
(she lands back on them)
(cut back to the alcove)
Dib-Duke: (spoken, watching Takine) Soo... when do I... you know.. meet her?
Purple Zidler: (spoken, sipping some absinthe) Well, it took some doing. Mademoiselle Takine's a real pain if she doesn't get her snacks in the morning, so I had Professor Chocolat go and make her some super toast-
Dib-Duke: (spoken, rolls his eyes) Just tell me if I get to meet her or not!
Purple Zidler: (spoken, irritated) AS I WAS SAYING! (clears his throat) Anyway, after her number and some more super toast, I've arranged a special meeting with you and Mademoiselle Takine . . .
Dib-Duke: (spoken) Alone?
Purple Zidler: (spoken with an evil smile-or as evil a smile as he's capable of) How's TOTALLY ALONE work for you?
(cut to Takine's number)
Takine: (is tossed) CARTIER! (is caught)
(cut back to the Irkhemians' alcove)
Zimlouse: (spoken, to Jentian) You may thank my amazing skills of sneaky... ness, Jentian... (grins evilly)
Jentian: (spoken with an odd look at Zimlouse) Why don't I trust that smile...?
Zimlouse: (spoken indignantly) You should! I am doing you such a great favor that your brain of writing... stuff, cannot comprehend its astonishing-ness in time to repay me!
Jentian: (spoken with a groan) I hate to ask but... what did you do now, Zimlouse...?
Zimlouse: (spoken, folding his arms) After that female's song number, I have arranged a private meeting with only you and Mademoiselle Takine. I am so amazing, no?
GIRie: AMAZING MAZTUR!!
Redgentinean: (spoken) You were supposed to do that for me, you stupid midget!!
Jentian: (spoken) Alone? Me and her...? Alone? (swallows nervously)
(split-screen to show both Purple Zidler and Zimlouse at the same time)
Zimlouse and Purple Zidler: (spoken) TOTALLY alone.
(cut back to Takine's song/dance. She's somehow landed amongst a bunch of girls)
Takine, Kami, and Diartemis sing: Cause we are living in a material world,
and I am a material girl! (blow kisses to the guys)
(Takine is yanked back up onto the stage by the males, some of which grab Bast and Remliss to dance with)
Takine sings: (back onstage) Black star, Rozz call,
talk to me Purry Zidler, tell me all about it!
(Purple Zidler appears onstage behind her and they have a little duet)
There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer!
Purple Zidler sings: But diamonds are a girl's best friend
Takine sings: There may come a time when a hot-boiled employer think's you're-
Purple Zidler sings: --Awful nice! (puts an arm around her)
Takine: OH!! YOU! (smacks his arm away, then sings)
But get that eye sore, else no dice!
(cut back to the alcoves. Sometime during this song, GIRie got away from Zimlouse and spilt the Dib-Duke's drink on him, then ran away to dance like all the can-can dancers)
Zimlouse: (spoken, waving his hands at the other Irkhemians) Don't worry, don't worry, the mighty ZIM will get this mess cleaned up..
Redgentinean: (spoken) You better! That human's getting mad...
Zimlouse: (scurries off to clean GIRie's mess up)
(cut back to the stage where Purple Zidler pretends to tease Takine with a diamond necklace)
Takine: (spoken as she tries to jump and grab the necklace) Is the Dib-Duke here YET, my Tallest?? He better not keep me waiting!
Purple Zidler: (spoken, holding the necklace above her) Yeah, he's here. Never SEEN a human that nervous about anything...
(cut back to the alcove. The Redgentinean and Jentian are standing nervously, watching Zimlouse)
Zimlouse: (spoken) Would you hold STILL you miserable little human!? At least I am ATTEMPTING to dry your drink from your idiotic coat!
Dib-Duke: (spoken, shoving at Zimlouse) GET OFF me, you rotten little alien!
(cut back to the stage)
Takine: (spoken) Where is he?
(Purple Zidler looks over Takine's head to scout out the Dib-Duke. Cut to the alcove. We see Zimlouse now shaking the hanky at the Dib-Duke, angry that the Dib-Duke is pushing him. The Dib-Duke pushes him away more, yelling at him. Cut back to the stage.)
Purple Zidler: (spoken with an eye roll) The wet one Zimlouse is shaking that hanky at.
(Cut back to the alcove. Zimlouse goes to Jentian to get another hanky, as his was torn up by the Dib-Duke, who now glares at Zimlouse with a smug expression)
Zimlouse: (spoken as he pulls Jentian's handkerchief out of his pocket) I'm taking your napkin thing, Jentian! That INFERNAL HUUUman shredded mine.
Girls singing in the background: Diamonds are a girl's best,
diamonds are a girl's best,
diamonds are a girl's best friend...
(cut back to the stage. Takine turns around Purple Zidler to see. Cut to the alcove. Zimlouse is now shaking Jentian's handkerchief at Jentian, which misleads Takine into thinking Jentian is the Dib-Duke. Cut back to the stage)
Takine: (spoken in confusion) Him? You're sure? Are you wearing your glasses?
(cut to the alcoves again. Zimlouse ventures back to the Dib-Duke and is now, instead of trying to dry him off, is ranting at him, while the Dib-Duke yells back. Zimlouse shakes his iron fist at the Dib-Duke, thus waving the handkerchief at HIM now.)
Purple Zidler: (spoken) I don't WEAR glasses... Let me see...
Zimlouse: (spoken) You sniveling DISGUSTING HUUUMan! I don't even see why I BOTHERED to try HELP DRY your sickening SELF off!!
Dib-Duke: (spoken) Oh go drink yourself to death, you stupid alien or Irkhemian or whatever you call yourself!
(cut back to the stage)
Purple Zidler: (spoken with an eye roll) That's the one... (mumbled) I hope that stupid midget hasn't frightened him off....
Takine: (spoken) He will EVENTUALLY! Idiotic short thing! I don't see why he hangs around here anyway-GIVE ME THAT NECKLACE!! I need it!
(cut back to alcoves)
Zimlouse: (spoken) Clean yourself off you little worm-pig-weasel-pig!! (throws the handkerchief at the Dib-Duke) And I hope your IDIOTIC tuxedo RIPS!
Dib-Duke: (spoken indignantly) You rotten alien! (turns around) Hey! Bodyguard! Get out here! Someone's threatening me!
Keef: (pops up behind the Dib-Duke, cheery as always) I'll take them to the circus for you, Dib!
Zimlouse: (spoken-er, screamed as he spots Keef) SWEET JUMPING CHILI BEANS!!
(backs up quickly)
Keef: (spoken) Hiya Zimlouse!
Zimlouse: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (flees back to his table and hides behind the Redgentinean)
Redgentinean: (spoken) I told you that would happen if you bugged him.. (acting all superior)
(cut back to the stage)
Takine: (spoken) Will he invest?
(a bunch of can-can girls circle the two and hold up their skirts so Takine can change her costume without anyone seeing-this is part of the act)
Takine: (spoken, notices Purple Zidler's in the skirt shield with her) GAAH! GET OUT OF HERE!! What are you doing in here!? I'M CHANGING!!
Purple Zidler: (spoken while turning around so his back is to her) What makes you think I WANT to look!? Geez! You have a sick mind, Takine.
Takine: (spoken, while changing) What do you expect!? Look at where I WORK for god's sake!!! (regains her composure) Is that human going to invest or not? I don't want to waste my time with him if he isn't.
Purple Zidler: (spoken, his back still to her) Pigeon, after spending the night with you, how can he refuse? Humans LOVE this sort of thing! Think of it as a bribe.
Takine: (spoken, stopping changing to stare at his back) Did you just call me a dirty disgusting EARTH bird? What's wrong with you!? Brain worms!!?
Purple Zidler: (spoken with a shrug) Relax. It's a pet name. I'm the owner. I can do those things! (pauses) By the way, Takine... His favorite type of... female, I'd guess would be a smoldering temptress.
Takine: (spoken, pausing again) A what?
Purple Zidler: (spoken) It's kind of like what the humans call a dominatrix... I think-How the hell should I know??? I just run this place! You girls do all that... tempressing... stuff!
Takine: (spoken, changing again) I'll figure something out! You go sing or play with your smoke or something...
Purple Zidler: (spoken after a pause) This place is relying on you Takine... If it pays off enough, you'll be--
Takine: (spoken, interrupting him) An Invader, yeah, yeah I know. Although, how me being all tempressy to a Dib-Duke makes me an Invader, I fail to see.
(the two pop out from behind the skirts, Takine all dressed and stuff. The crowd picks her up and she points towards the Irkhemians' alcove. The crowd surfs her over to them.)
Takine sings: Cause that's when those louses go back to their spouses!!
(the crowd dumps her in front of the Irkhemian alcove)
Takine sings: (runs up to Jentian and bats her eyes flirtatiously-but is doing a lousy job acting like she likes him) Diamonds are a girl's best friend!
END OF SONG
Takine: (purrs unconvincingly) I believe you were expecting me.
Jentian: (surprised) Yes...
Takine: (turns to the crowd) I'm afraid it's ladies choice, you sniveling males.
Jentian: (lost) What the...?
Crowd: (disappointed noises)
Zimlouse: (grabs Takine and turns her to face him) YOU! Meet my.. eh.. meet Jentian!
(points in Jentian's random direction)
Takine: (shoves Zimlouse off) NEVER touch me, you disGUSTING little WORM!! (calms herself and pulls Jentian to the dance floor as The Rhythm of the Night starts to play) Let's dance!
Jentian: (is dragged) GAH! Okay... (nervous)
Zimlouse: (stares after them) Incredible! That actually seemed to go well...
Redgentinean: He has a gift with the women! (nods proudly) You have to have one yourself to recognize it!
Purple Zidler: (watching from the orchestra platform again) ...That Dib-Duke can actually dance... I didn't think humans were functional on their feet... and how'd he get so tall...?
Takine: (dancing with Jentian and pretending she's having the time of her life) It is very generous of you, sir, to be interested in this show.
Jentian: (dancing, doing a lousy job dancing) It sounds pretty exciting... with lazers and smoke and all... I'd like being involved... I think.
Takine: (skeptical) Really...?
Jentian: (nervous) Well... um.. that is.. assuming... you like my work... (blushes-he's talking about writing)
Takine: (unconvincing purr) Eh... I'm sure I will... (she's talking about... doing the courtesan thing)
Jentian: (trips over his own foot) OOF! . (gets more graceful... kinda) Zimlouse said we'd.. be able to have privacy... (-writing)
Takine: (blinks) He did? (-courtesan thing)
Jentian: Yes, you know, a private... (trips yet again) . poetry reading.
Takine: Poetry reading? Is that what they call it now?
Jentian: Huh?
Takine: Oh! Erm. Nothing! Uh, sure! Poetry reading! Sounds.... Eh... delightful.
Jentian: Oh good! So, when do we start-
Takine: (cutting him off) Hold onto your hat!!
Jentian: I'm not wearing a hat...
(as one, all the males' top hats fly into the air. While they're in the air, Takine somehow manages to get up on her trapeze again. Cut to a close up of Takine)
Takine sings: (as the trapeze is raised) Square cut or pear shaped
These rocks don't lose
Their shape
Diamonds...
Diamonds...
Are a girls best... (she stops, gasping dramatically for air, then faints and falls down towards the crowd)
Crowd: (falls dead silent)
Prof. Chocolate: (wandering around below) Let's see... where did I put that new formula...? I could have sworn I-(Takine falls on him)-What on Earth!?
Purple Zildler: (calling down from the platform) Oh thank IRK! You caught her! I'm not going to be sued!
Prof. Chocolate: Oh.. yes. I did, didn't I? So... where do you want her?
Purple Zidler: (calling) Backstage.
Prof. Chocolate: All right! Come Mademoiselle! To bed with you! Perhaps you'd like to hear my latest calculations on my newest theory... (voice fades as he walks off)
Random Crowd Human: HEY! Wha'd you do? I paid good moneys to see her and you shove her off a trapeze!
Random Crowd Alien: Yeah! Wha'd you do?? Huh?! HUH!?
Random Crowd Alien #2: Give me my moneys back!
Random Crowd Human: YEAH! MONEYS! WHOO!
Purple Zidler: (frantic) Hey! Be quiet all of you! Um... that was part of the act! Yeah! That's it! She was supposed to disappear but I guess CERTAIN REDGENTINEANS have been messing with the smoke effects and-
Redgentinean: (yelling from the crowd) I DIDN'T TOUCH YOUR STUPID SMOKE!
Purple Zidler: (continuing)-AND they didn't go off, but ANYWAY! Let's have some clapping for Mademoiselle Takine!
Crowd: YEAH! WHOOOOO!! SHAKE IT IRKEN CHICK! (etc.)
(cut to a pillar where two dancing girls are lounging)
Gazi: (in her purple costume, all... Gaz-ish) Looks like the Dib-Duke isn't going to be getting what he paid for after all... stupid Dib.
AnimeGirl: Don't be so mean Gazi...
Gazi: Grrr... Be quiet. Otherwise you might have an accident next time we do the can-can...
AnimeGirl: (shuts up)
Purple Zidler: (looks around frantically while muttering to himself) Oh GODS! What could have happened?? Why isn't anyone out here TELLING me anything? What am I supposed to do if she died or something? I could have the Courtesan Union on my green arse...!
Shatai the Bartender: (calling up from the floor below Purple Zidler) Hey! Hey! Hey, down here!
Purple Zidler: (looks down) What? Oh! Hey, what happened!?
Shatai the Bartender: How should I know?! Bitterie's taking care of her!
Purple Zidler: (whispering) Well what am I supposed to do then!? This crowd's about to go xenocidal!
Shatai: (thinks) Uh... tell them she ran away because they stink!
Purple Zidler: (whispered) WHAT!? How does that help? Oh... fine.. Not like I have a better idea... (calls to the crowd) You scared her off! She'll be back though! Hey! Look around you though! There's a hundred Moulin Vert dancers out there who'd love to dance! Take them for a spin while we wait for her!
(The music starts up again as the camera cuts to Takine's dressing room. There are several can-can dancers in there, huddled at the door to reassure themselves that Takine isn't dying. Bitterie stands over Takine's couch, where Takine is lying, seemingly unconscious)
Bitterie: (turns to the girls) Away with you! Before you catch a horrible disease and become ugly. Then no man will pay to see you.
Galadriel Weasley: But... but we just want to make sure-
Aqua: (cutting her off and stepping in front of her) That Takine isn't dead or anything, but we can see she's alive because she's staring at us so... BYE! (turns to run off but runs into one of the other girls)
Zam: (waves to Takine, despite the fact that Aqua ran into her) Hi Takine! Are you all right?
Takine: (groggy) Ugh... what happened...? (sits up)
Bitterie: (looming over Takine) You fainted. And almost fell to your doom on the dance floor. I think you have a horrifying disease.
Takine: (laughs) Oh you silly human! That's impossible! It was probably just these idiotic costumes those males like so well! They get tight, you know.
Shatai the Bartender: (walks past the girls and starts shooing them out) All right, all right... out you go! Go on! If the guys don't dance, they don't get thirsty and if they don't get thirsty I don't make moneys and if I don't make moneys-
Bittrie: (cutting him off)-you'll be dooooooooomed...
Shatai the Bartender: Erm.. Yeah... hey, what's going on in here?
Bittrie: (gestures to Takine) She's sick... and therefore doomed by a terrifying disease which will one day cause her to meet her inevitable death far too soon.
Shatai the Bartender: .........Oookay...
Takine: Eh-hehe.. Basically, you don't need to worry!
Shatai the Bartender: Oh, all right! You better get ready for that Duke-person. (heads off)
Takine: OH IRK! (starts coughing violently)
Bittrie: Germs! (waves a tissue in her face) Before Zidler panics and falls off that platform onto his head!
Takine: (takes the tissue and coughs into it for a few moments) Ugh... (shakes her head) Much better! (she drops the tissue and heads off to change clothes)
Bittrie: (examines dropped tissue, there are obvious bloodstains on it) Hmmmmmmmmmm... I was right... (slithers off)
(cut to Dib-Duke's alcove, where we find the large-headed member of the nobility in conversation with Keef)
Dib the Duke: Okay. The number's over. Now, what I need you to do is find Zimlouse and take a few pictures of-
Keef: (confused) But I thought you were here to see that Takine person...
Dib the Duke: Uhh... right. I forgot. (glances around) I'll find her myself. You just... go get those pictures of Zimlouse. Preferably without his hat on.
Keef: Okay! Zim'll be so happy to have his portrait taken! He might even give me a hug!
Dib the Duke: Uh huh... you... do that... (heads off to find the entrance to the Monkey)
Keef: Where are you Zimlouse!? (runs off the other way)
(cut back to Takine's dressing room. She is standing before a large mirror while Bittrie looks on and Can-Can girl Lynne helps Takine with her "temptressing" dress)
Bittrie: (looming in a dark corner) That duke liked you.
Lynne: (tying Takine's corset) Yeah, if he keeps liking you, you'll be out of this hellhole...
Takine: (looking in the mirror) Yes, yes. I shall be the greatest! Invader, though, not courtesany... person.
Lynne: (rolls her eyes) Yes, invading and blowing stuff up is SO much better than your current occupation...
Bittrie: (hisses faintly) Yes. It is. Dooming things is better than... whatever it is you do here.
Takine: (haughty) Of course it is! I will conquer everything! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (stops laughing as more coughing fits threaten) Heh.
(cut to behind the trio. We can now see the door, but their backs as well)
Purple Zidler: (bursting through the door, looking panicked, as usual) Takine! Are you okay!? Are you dying!? Did you break your neck!? DO YOU HAVE A TUMOR!?
Takine: (turns to face him) I'm fine!
Purple Zidler: (looks extremely relieved) OH THANK IRK! (sinks into a chair)
Lynne: Oh calm down... (fans him with a pillow) Don't have a coronary on us.
Purple Zidler: Thank you Lynne... (relaxing as we speak) Ahh... That went pretty good!
Takine: Of COURSE it did! I TOLD you I knew how to do my job!
Purple Zidler: It's not the dancing I'm concerned about... he's our biggest patron and you have a slight tendency not to... how do I put this...?
Lynne: (helpfully) Be what people expect?
Purple Zidler: Yeah! That! The last guy you took to the Monkey ran out screaming in fear for his squeedly-spooch.
Takine: (indignant) HMMPF! He STANK! What was I SUPPOSED to do!?
Purple Zidler: Not do... what you did?
Takine: FINE! (pouts, folding her arms and leaning against the mirror) Well!? You never said how I looked!
Purple Zidler: You look... ehh... (studies her) Like a tempressy person!
Takine: All right! (raises a claw into the air) TO THE MONKEY!!
(at this, the screen blacks out, fading back in to what appears to be a backstage area, people are half in costume, running around, practicing last-minute lines, fixing make-up, etc. The set for Moulin Vert can be seen between breaks in the curtain)
Bast: (running up to AF) AF! AAAAAAAAF!!
AF: (pinning her corset back up) Hm?
Bast: You can't let her go through with this!
AF: (looks up) Wha? (confused)
Bast: TAK! I refuse to allow her to do the Monkey scene with MY DAI!
Jendai: (pokes his head out of a dressing room) Someone call me?
AF: No Dai! Get your make-up fixed!
Bast: DAI! Wait! (rushes over to him) You can't do the next scene with Tak! Please! (hugs him around the waist)
Jendai: Um... (hugs her back reassuringly) I have to... Bast, it's just acting... I...
Bast: Fine! If you're convinced you HAVE to do that stupid scene with TAK, I'll make SURE you CAN'T! (runs off, cackling evilly)
AF: (nervously) Suddenly... I fear for Tak's life... or... at least her singing ability...
Jendai: Me... too... (ducks back into his dressing room)
Zim: [offscreen] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! BAST DO NOT HURT ZIM!! IAMNOTTHEONEYOUWAAAAAAAAANT!
Purple: [os] MOTHER OF IRK!
Red: [os] HEY! That's MY lazer!
Tak: [os] AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--...
(there are loud crashy, bangy sounds, followed by screamy noises. After a moment, Bast comes back, her can-can costume switched for the one Takine wears in the next scene)
Bast: (all smug) How do I look? Smoldering tempress?
AF: ............ (hastily) Well um, then.. ONWITHTHESHOW!