ACT III- Spectacular.. Amazingness.
(We come back to the Moulin Vert, zooming over the courtyard. As we near the Green Monkey Statue, we see the Irkhemians heading towards it. We fly over them, hearing their lines as we go)
Zimlouse: [off screen] This is disgusting! Straight to the Monkey! Don't these people have any concept of knowing one another first!?
Redgentinean: [os] Oh, believe me, squirt, once they come out of there.. They'll know each other fine.
GIRie: [os] I bet they're havin' CUPcakes!
(We continue up to the head of the monkey, which has a balcony in it and a little gazebo on its head. We fly through the balcony, right up to Jentian's face. He's still in his tuxedo, crumpling his top hat in his hands and looking extremely nervous)
Jentian: Oh Irk, Oh Irk. what do I do.? Come on Jentian. THINK! Come up with SOMETHING for this Takine person.. (He obviously is not aware of the casting change) Um.. let's see. maybe something about her eyes. No. How about the sky.? (starts pacing as the door opens)
Bastine: (standing in the doorway, in a rather tempressy costume, stolen from its previous owner.) Nice place to read poetry.? Don't you think? (she smiles)
Jentian: (his eyes get very, very big) B. B. (recovers) Eh, yes! Of course mademoiselle... (he still looks horribly nervous)
Bastine: (moves over to a table with fruit and champagne) Would you. care for some food? Or perhaps a little. Strawberry Champagne? Hmm?
Jentian: (REALLY nervous) Um.. um. I'd. uh. rather. um. just. get it done. please? I. have a lot of work to get back to and um.
Bastine: (startled, half-drops the champagne back into the ice bucket) Oh... (regains her composure) Okay then.. Shall we. (gestures to the bed. which is green with glittery things all over it)
Jentian: (startled himself) Um. actually, I usually do it. standing up. It's easier for me that way.
Bastine: (surprised yet again) ....Oh. (approaches him)
Jentian: (scared) No no! Wait, um!! You don't have to stand up! I mean, sometimes I really get into it and it goes on for a really long time! I get too wrapped up in work you see. People say I wouldn't notice if the world exploded--
Bastine: (interrupts him) Uh huh. Let's. stop wasting time.
Jentian: (blushes bright green and turns away from him) Eh. just a second. (thinks for a while) Um. er. um. the. the sky. yeah! The sky! . Sky is. er. (turns back) ....What are you doing?
(cut to the outside of the Monkey. We can see the silhouettes of the Irkhemians climbing up the monkey)
GIRie: HE. (takes a step) HE. (takes another) HE!
Redgentinean: ZIM! Shut that thing up!
Zim: GIR! BE QUIET! Do you want to alert them to our presence and risk the Redgentinean's displeasure!?
GIRie: ...I have no idea!
Zim: Be quiet anyway!
(cut back to the interior of the Monkey. Bastine is rolling around on the bed, making odd noises while Jentian looks at her like she's gone crazy)
Bastine: POOK! (rolls around, trying to draw attention to herself)
Jentian: ....BLUE! (trying not to be disturbed by Bastine) Yeah. the sky. the sky is. blue.. and it.. um. (blows a couple raspberries)
Bastine: Hey! Watch it!
Jentian: Er. sorry.
Bastine: Uh huh.. (starts rolling again) Pook! Pook pook! (She wants attention)
Jentian: (frustrated) Could you stop?! You're really making me nervous! I. (blinks) Irk, I think I'm shaking.
Bastine: (sits up) Are you all right? Most. people aren't this nervous.
Jentian: (blushes) Well. um.. I've never really. done this before. my work is pretty private.
Bastine: Ohhhh... (lost)
Jentian: (continuing) And. um. well. I guess I need to get inspired before I can really do anything.. You know? Most of us are like that.
Bastine: (approaches him) Ohhh. yes, I see. Let me help. (throws her arms around his neck and kisses him. hard, and runs her hands over his chest before breaking the kiss) Does that INSPIRE you.?
Jentian: (can only stammer) Geh. geh. geh...
Bastine: (drags him over to the bed and tackles him) Let's go!
Jentian: GO!? GO WHERE!? (panicking, struggles)
Bastine: (evil smile) Aw, come on! That's what you came here for, right?!
Jentian: (one brief moment of sanity) Er, actually I thought I was coming up here to--
Bastine: Oh come on! Let's have some fun! (starts undoing the buttons on his white tux shirt)
Jentian: ACK!! (panicking again, tries to push her hands away)
Bastine: (purrs, swishing her tail) Oooo. You're built!
(We can see the Irkhemians peeking in a window behind them)
Zimlouse: (stares) WHAT ON IRK IS SHE--
Redgentinean: (staring too) Don't ask Zim.. Just watch and learn.
Zimlouse: NO!! You watch this disgusting display if you want, but I am going to go see to the DOOM of that infernal dook! (scrambles down off the Monkey)
(cut back to the interior)
Bastine: (sitting on Jentian) Now. Give me the poetry. (purrs evilly)
Jentian: Gah! All right! (scrambles away from her) Um. um. Oh! I know! (clears his throat) It's.. it's a little bit funny. this feeling. um.. inside! Yeah! I'm not one of those. eh. who. who can. erm.. easily hide!
Bastine: (stares)
Jentian: (improvising) I--I don't have many moneys, but.. Erm. Irk if I did. eehh. I'd buy a big house! Yeah! Where. um. we. we both could live!
Bastine: (it dawns on her) Ohhhhhhh. (starts rolling on the floor, laughing)
Jentian: (Doesn't understand her) Um. er. If I were a sculptor!!.. but. then again no.. Or a guy who makes potions for a circus. show!!
Bastine: (keeps laughing)
Jentian: I know it's not much...
Bastine: OH IRK!! (laughing insanely)
Jentian: But it's the best I can do!! (getting annoyed, turns away from her)
Bastine: (laughs harder)
SONG - YOUR SONG
Jentian sings: (tries a different tactic) My gift is my song!!
Bastine: (stops laughing and stares at him in rapt attention)
Jentian sings: (turns back to her) And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done...
I hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind...
that I put down in words...
How wonderful life is now you're in the world.
Bastine: (approaches him slowly, almost hypnotized) ....
Jentian sings: (wanders over to the balcony and leans against the railing)
Sat on the roof, and I kicked off the moss Well, some of these verses, well they,
they got me quite cross
But the sun's been kind
while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on
(he turns to face Bastine, holding her hands gently) So excuse me forgetting
but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is, what I really mean...
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen.
Bastine: (close up on her face, she's smiling)
(As Jentian continues singing, he sweeps them both out off the balcony onto what looks like a large cloud above the city. The moon is singing along with him, while a couple of piggies fly by. One of them hands him a black umbrella, which he puts over their heads as a shower of sparkles get dropped from another pig which is glowing like a mini pink moon. It's.. sorta romantic.. I guess)
Jentian sings: And you can tell everybody, this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
Hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind
that I put down in words
Bastine: (puts her arms around his shoulders)
Jentian sings: (hugs her close) How wonderful life is now you're in the world
Hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind
that I put down in words,
how wonderful life is now you're in the world!
END OF SONG
(the camera pans out to show that the two are still on the balcony, in each others' arms. It pans out further to show the Zimlouse sitting on top of the monkey with GIRie. He was playing his fiddle-providing the music for the song. Why he's back up on the monkey, instead of dooming the Dib-Duke, I don't know, ask Zimlouse.)
Zimlouse: (looking down on them) MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Another victory for the FID-ILL of ZIM!-louse! The play is OURS!! (cackles evilly)
GIRie: WE'RE GONNA DANCE LIKE CAN-CAN GIRLS!!
(zoom back to the balcony, where the two are inches away from a nice, romantic kiss)
Bastine: (dreamily) Mother of Irk. you sing. so well. I. I think I'm in love!
Jentian: (stunned) L-love? With. with me!?
Bastine: (purrs) Yesss. with you. a poetic. wonderful. Irken. duke who can sing.
Jentian: (surprised again) What.? Duke? What do you mean?
Bastine: (giggles) Your title doesn't matter.
Jentian: But... but I'm not a. (pales) Oh no.
Bastine: (now surprised) Not a.? OHNO!! Don't tell me you're not a DUKE!!
Jentian: (lets her go hastily) Then I probably shouldn't tell you I'm only a writer..
Bastine: ........(deadly silence) You're a writer.
Jentian: (scared) Yeah. um. yeah. A. um. Irken. write. er.
Bastine: NO!!! NO YOU'RE NOT!!
Jentian: (terrified) I'msorry! Iam! Zimlousetoldmeyou'dbemeetingmeallaloneandIwasallAAAH!buthesaidit'dbeokayands oIcameandsawyouandwentAAAH!andthenwehadamisunderstandingandyoujumpedonmeandl aughedandIwentallMYYYYGIFTISMYSOOOONGand-
Bastine: (cuts him off-thank God) ZIMLOUSE!? You know Zimlouse!? The most despised of all the Irkhemians the Moulin Vert caters to!?
Jentian: (blinks) You could say that.
Bastine: (grabs a mallet from behind a curtain) I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!!
(cut to the window again. Zimlouse is peeking through it again, with GIRie on his head, along with the Redgentinean.)
Zimlouse: (nervously) My Tallest. I think there may be a tiny glitch in our plans.
Redgentinean: A TINY glitch!? She figured it out!
(cut back to the inside of the Monkey)
Jentian: (trying to calm her down) I had no idea you were expecting anyone else! I'm sorry! Zimlouse said that you'd be meeting me.
Bastine: I wasn't supposed to be meeting a SINGING WRITER! I was supposed to be meeting THE DIB-DUKE! (she gasps) OH IRK!! THE DIB-DUKE! (runs to the door and opens it, only to see said Duke outside) GAH!! (she slams the door) HE'S HERE!!
Jentian: The Dib-Duke?
Bastine: NO! The PUMPKIN KING-YES the DIB-DUKE! HURRY! HIDE!
Jentian: (panicking) Where!?
Bastine: (hisses--litterally) OUT THE BACK!!
(Jentian heads for the balcony, but it stopped by the door opening. In a wild, acrobatic leap, he jumps over the champagne table, crashing into the opposite wall. He rolls out, half unconscious, and stops behind Bastine. Our leading lady hurriedly flings what dress she has over him, in order to hide him)
Purple Zidler: (entering) Hey! Are you de-(notices the change of actresses) BAST-ine! Bastine! Yes! Um. Where were you!? The Dib-Duke and I looked everywhere for you!
Bastine: (nervously) I. I was waiting! Here! You must have just. missed me. yes! I was probably out on the balcony when you got here! Yes. That's it..
Purple Zidler: (blinks) But. we checked out there... Twice.
Bastine: Then you must have been in the wrong Monkey!
Purple Zidler: What? There's only one Monkey. (shakes his head) Anyway! Here he is! The Dib-Duke! (steps aside slightly to allow the Dib-Duke to enter)
Dib-Duke: (removes his hat and makes a nervous bow to Bastine) Mademoiselle.
Bastine: Eh.. hehehehehe! (nervous too) Um. Welcome Monsieur Dib-Duke! It. um. it's a pleasure to. finally meet you!
Purple Zidler: "Finally?"
Bastine: (covering) AGAIN! Finally. meet. you. AGAIN!
Jentian: (snickers)
Bastine: (stomps on his hand) Ah Hahaha! Oh, I make myself laugh!
Dib-Duke: Are you all right.? You look a little pale. (moves toward her)
(while the Dib-Duke is distracted, Jentian hurriedly crawls behind the champagne table, managing to not hit a wall this time)
Bastine: (giggling nervously) I'm quite all right! I. I've never felt better!
Purple Zidler: (eyes her) Well. I should probably be going. Must make sure Gazi isn't beating the dooky out of our patrons! You know, important business! Have fun you two! (zips out)
Dib-Duke: (watches the door close) Um. heh. (takes her hand and lightly kisses it, all gentlemanly) A kiss on the hand--
Bastine: (pulls her hand back fast) Yes, yes, we all know that song.. I sing it every night, in fact.
Dib-Duke: Hmm. well, if you sing it so much-and so well!-then you probably need something to make sure your throat doesn't get sore or something like that. (turns to get her some champagne)
Bastine: (makes a weird, and quite loud, squeaking sound)
Dib-Duke: (looks back at her) Are you sure you're all right.? Maybe you REALLY need a drink. (turns back to the table)
Bastine: (loudly) YES! Yes I'm fine! (watches him turn back to her again) I'm so. FINE I could.. um. dance! Yes! Dance! WHEE! (dances wildly around the room, twirling around so her "dress" poofs out) Lookit me go!
Dib-Duke: (stares) Okay. Um. You sure you don't need any champagne? (he turns yet again to the drinks table)
Bastine: NO! (falls down to her knees so she can look him in the face) NO! Um. I. it. er. um.
Dib-Duke: (stares again) It.. what..?
Jentian: (peeks up from behind the table and waves at Bastine)
Bastine: (sees him) It's. a little bit funny.
Dib-Duke: (lost) What is?
Bastine: Uhh. This...
Jentian: (mouthing and waving to her) Feeling!
Bastine: (quickly) Feeling..!
Dib-Duke: (Still lost) What feeling?
Jentian: (mouths) Inside!
Bastine: Inside.
Jentian: (gesturing now, while mouthing. One of his gestures consists of his hand attacking his own neck) I'm not one of those who can easily...
Bastine: ...... I'm not one of those who can easily...
Jentian: (more gestures)
Bastine: ..hide.
Dib-Duke: (turns to look at what Bastine is staring at) What's so interesting back there.? You're not staring at my head are you?!?
Bastine: (yelps) NO! (hurried) I know I don't have many moneys, but if I did, I'd buy a big house where we both can live. (grabs the Dib-Duke and hugs him close, pressing him to her. Through this, she is waving at Jentian to get out)
Dib-Duke: (looks up at the ceiling, shocked)
Jentian: (shakes his head stubbornly and doesn't leave)
Bastine: (singing) I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind. That I put down in words, how wonderful life is now you're in the world. (looks at Jentian nervously)
Dib-Duke: (shakily) That's. very nice. could you. let me go. now.? Please?
Bastine: (abruptly lets him go and stares into his eyes) It's from "Spectacular... (word lapse) Amazingness!"
Dib-Duke: "Spectacular Amazingness"..?
Bastine: It's the play we so dearly need your patronage for! Remember?
(cut outside to the window)
Zimlouse: HEY! That's not what I called it!! (fuming)
Redgentinean: Shut up! Look at the size of the Dib-Duke's EYES! (laughs and points)
(cut back inside)
Bastine: And then! YOU! You walked in and suddenly, it was like a strike of lightning had hit me! BOOM! Right in the head! But, instead of my brain frying into moosh, I knew the meaning of "how wonderful life is, now you're in the world"! BOOM! Just like that! Id'nit great?
Dib-Duke: .....Mind telling me the meaning, mademoiselle?
Jentian: (opens the door to leave and sees Keef outside. His eyes get very big.)
Keef: HI! Is Zim in there? I've been looking all over him like Dib said to but-
Jentian: (slams the door and hides again)
Dib-Duke: (looks toward the sound) Was that Keef? And did the door just open?
Bastine: Uhh. umm. er. oh crap. (throws herself on the bed) YOU EVIL, EVIL MAN! Look at how you toy with my emotions! (sits up, glaring at him) First, you make me think you enjoy my company, then you ask about the door! Have you no shame!! (flops back down)
Dib-Duke: (approaches her) Wow. I had no idea that you Moulin Vert people take doors so seriously. Sorry-ACK!! (Bastine has grabbed him and has proceeded to cuddle him mercilessly)
Bastine: Dib-Duke!! You-you must know the effect you have on females! Your head! It's so. so.
Dib-Duke: (sourly) Big..?
Bastine: Well... NO! No! It is CUDDLY!! (continues cuddling him) Come on! I neeeeeeed cuddles! You know you want them! Gimmie!
Dib-Duke: (appears to be turning blue)
Jentian: (peeks out at them from his hiding place with a pleading look)
Bastine: Ohh. crappit! I guess you're right. cuddles must wait until opening night!
Jentian: (smirks to himself smugly)
Dib-Duke: Wait? What? (sits up) I DON'T WANT TO BE CUDDLED!
Bastine: Yes you do!
Dib-Duke: No, really, I don't.
Bastine: Ohhh. right! You want to be GLOMPED!
Dib-Duke: WHAT!? (scared)
Bastine: Okay, okay, I'll cuddle you. sheez, picky!
Dib-Duke: What's wrong with you!?
Bastine: There's a power in you that scares me. I can only tame it by cuddling you repeatedly! Without my work, you will explode from your power.. But, for now. You should go.
Dib-Duke: Go? But I just got here! Explode!? What!? I don't want to explode!
Bastine: (pushing him out the door) But we'll see each other everyday during rehearsal! I can give you enough cuddling to keep you alive then! But for the big cuddling finale.. we must until opening night.
Dib-Duke: .. Oh.. okay. Um. I'll leave then. (is shoved out)
Bastine: Bye! Thank you! Come again! (slams the door on the Dib-duke and turns to Jentian) You idiot! Do you have ANY idea how bad it would have been if he FOUND you here!? He could have cut off my head or shot me OR YOU! You inconsiderate MORON! (pales suddenly) You. you. ugh.(She gasps and faints)
Jentian: (instantly catches her) Oh! Oh IRK...! (shakes her lightly) Bast. Bastine.? Hello.?
(cut to an open window in the main building of the Moulin Vert, Purple Zidler walking past, minding his own business)
Purple Zidler: (glances sideways and sees Jentian's back, and Bastine being shook-naturally, he assumes. things) I wonde-AH!! AHH! MY EYES!! I WANT TO STAB MY EYES OOOOOUT!! (flees from the window)
Jentian: (stops shaking her) H-Hello? Wake up... Please wake up! Oh, Irk! I hope I didn't kill her.. (glances around) BED! Maybe I'll just put you on the bed. (moves over towards the bed, half-dragging Bastine) ACK! (he trips over her skirt, landing on top of her on the bed) ......This is awkward..
(suddenly, the door opens)
Dib-Duke: (entering) I forgot my Xscope (stops, staring at them)
Jentian: (panicked) She--I--
(fortunately, Bastine chooses this moment to wake up)
Bastine: Oh. (blinks) Um. Hello Dib-Duke!
Dib-Duke: What's going on in here!? I thought you said you'd only use your cuddling to keep me from exploding!
Bastine: (thinks) Uh. That's right Dib-Duke! This is the writer! ..
Dib-Duke: The. writer?
Bastine: (shoves Jentian off her) Naughty boy! (to Dib-Duke) Yes! The writer! We were rehearsing the play!
Dib-Duke: (skeptical) ..Right. In the middle of the night, in the arms of an Irken, inside a green monkey. Uh huh. Of COURSE you're rehearsing.
(cut to the outside of the monkey)
Redgentinean: Looks like we need another plan.
Zimlouse: Yes. Follow my lead, my Tallest!
(Cut back to the inside of the monkey. Bastine is looking nervously for a way out when the Irkhemians appear from their hiding place on the balcony)
Zimlouse: (launching right into his act) HELLO! I brought my mighty fid- ill! How did you EVER expect to rehearse without my masterful music skills?
GIRie: (on Zimlouse's head) PIANO!! WHEEEEEEEE!! (jumps on a keyboard and makes awful sounding chord)
Redgentinean: (swaggering in, all smug) Sorry - got held up! So many dancers! They couldn't keep their hands off me!
Jentian: Sure they couldn't.
Redgentinean: Watch it, singer-boy. Otherwise I'll hit you so hard you'll be singing soprano.
(cut to Purple Zidler's window again)
Purple Zidler: (comes back to the window, rubbing his eyes) Oh Mother of. the horror.. (looks up) GAH!! Not now not now!! Stupid midget! Idiotic RED!! (dashes off again)
Bastine: (to the Dib-Duke) You see? When you came, and said those things, I was so inspired that I gathered everyone together, right here, for an emergency rehearsal!
Dib-Duke: (still skeptical) Well.. if you're rehearsing, where's Purple Zidler?
(Purple Zidler bursts in, almost right on cue)
Purple Zidler: AAH!! Dib-DUKE! There you are!! I'm so incredibly SORRY! Dib-Duke: What.? (hopelessly confused)
Bastine: (sweeps over and smiles at Purple Zidler) Purple! You made it! Thank Irk! It's all right, don't panic so much! You might get head- explodey! The Dib-Duke knows all about the emergency rehearsal.
Purple Zidler: (clueless) The what?
Bastine: (through her teeth) The EMERGENCY REHEARSAL!
Purple Zidler: I didn't order any emergency rehearsal.
Bastine: (nervous laugh) Oh you're so silly! (serious) Yes you did. You know. make sure the Dib-Duke's idea's get in. (elbows him)
Purple Zidler: ....Ohhh. riiiiight.. THAT rehearsal! (smiles grandly at the Dib-Duke) Well I'm sure that Mewdrey person will be happy to put the Dib-Duke's ideas in!
Zimlouse: (clears his throat) Uh. Sir? Mewdrey's left.!
Purple Zidler: Shut up Zim, don't lie to me.
Bastine: (sighs) Oh Purple! The ferret's out of the cupboard now! The Dib- Duke knows everything about our show-well. almost. which is why he's so interested in giving us moneys.
Purple Zidler: (stares) Moneys? MONEYS! Oh yes, well give us moneys then!
Dib-Duke: .....
Purple Zidler: Come on now. Are you mad about Mewdrey leaving? Well, you can't really blame us for hiding. erm.....
Zimlouse: (clears his throat again) Jentian, my Tallest...
Purple Zidler: .Jentian away! It was only to keep his talents preserved!
Dib-Duke: (glares at Jentian) I'm afraid you failed. I already met HIM.
Purple Zidler: (nervous now) Well. um. er. why don't we just go down to my office and fill out some papers! (starts to lead the Dib-Duke out)
Dib-Duke: (stops him) What's the story?
Purple Zidler: ...The story?
Dib-Duke: (folds his arms) If I'm going to give you moneys, I have to know the story, don't I?
Purple Zidler: (looks around, startled) Oh yes, well the story's about... eh, Zimlouse?
Zimlouse: (thinking) Uh... The story-the story's about it's- it's about um... oh Irk.
GIRie: (jumps on the keyboard) MOOSES!
Dib-Duke: (glares at them all) Mooses?!
Jentian: (bursts out) It's about love!
Dib-Duke: ..Love?
Jentian: (quickly) Yes! Yes, it's about. Love. and. love overcoming. obstacles! BIG obstacles! ..With lots of teeth.
Zimlouse: (adds) And it's set in Skibowlia!
Dib-Duke: (glares at him) What's Skibowlia?
Purple Zidler: (pushes Zimlouse aside) It's not in Skibowlia, Dib-Duke! Don't worry!
Redgentinean: (stops looking for Bastine's underwear drawer) Wait, where the hell IS Skibowlia? Why haven't I heard of it!?
Jentian: Irk! Irk! It's set on Irk! And there's a.
Redgentinean: Temptress!
Jentian: .. Yes! A temptress, the most beautiful temptress on the planet, but her city falls under the jurisdiction of an evil Soldier Commander.
Redgentinean and Zimlouse: (in unison) HEY!!
Jentian: (ignoring them) Now, in order to save her city, she has to seduce the evil Soldier Commander.
Redgentinean: (aside) It SHOULD be an Evil Student boss!
Purple Zidler: (overhearing) Shut up! Or I'll make you repair my smoke machines when they break next time!
Jentian: (continuing) But on the night of the seduction, she mistakes a penniless wri- a penniless..
Bastine: (helpfully) Computer programmer?
Jentian: Yes! A penniless Computer Programmer for the evil Soldier Commander and she falls in love with him. (he turns to Bastine) He wasn't trying to trick her or anything. But he was dressed as a Soldier because...uh. because he's. um.
Zimlouse: (thinks) .Appearing in a play?
Dib-duke: Irkens perform plays?
Jentian: Yeah! This one does! He and a group of friends use their skills to put on shows on their days off!
Dib-Duke: ..okay.
Redgentinean: (steps forward) Seeing as I'M NOT evil. I will play. the Computer Programmer! I sing like an angel and I DANCE... like the devil...
Bastine: You sing and ACT like the devil too, if you ask me.
Jentian: And why are you suddenly a DANCING computer programmer??
Regentinean: Um. um. (falls asleep, keeling over with a loud THUNK) Zzzzz.
Dib-Duke: (stares) All right. So, a computer programmer-who dances and sings-travels around on his days off to perform with some buddies. I got it. What happens next?
Jentian: (thinks a moment) Of course. the two have to. erm. Hide their love from the Soldier Commander. Yes, that's it.
GIRie: (jumps in) He gots a magical cupcake-makin lappy-toppy thingy!! An' it tells truth!! An' it dances likea MUNKAY! See? (dances)
Dib-Duke: (blinks) Why does it tell the truth.? And make cupcakes.?
Jentain: (matter-of-factly) Because it's magickal.
Redgentinean: (waking up) ZIM'S THE COMPUTER!!
Zimlouse: WHAT!? No I won't!
Bastine: (aside to Zimlouse) Yes you will. otherwise you'll be cuddled.
Zimlouse: (hurriedly grabs a cardboard box-out of nowhere-and puts it over his head) I am a computer! (makes beeping noises and turns to Bastine) You cuddle people. (beeps and turns to Purple Zidler) You are tall. (turns to the Dib-Duke) You-GMPH!!
Irkhemians: (have covered Zimlouse's mouth and grin sheepishly while Zimlouse makes indignant noises)
Dib-Duke: ....And he gives it away?
Redgentinean: Tell him about the can-can!! You know Pur wants you to!
Jentian: (nervously) Uhh. The tantric can-can... it's an... um. dance.
Redgentinean: (breaking in) It's an erotic, sexy scene that captures the thrusting, violent, vibrant, wild Irkhemian s-
Purple Zidler: (cutting him off before he makes this thing rated R) SPIRIT! Yeah, Irkhemian spirit! That's what this whole play's about!
Dib-Duke: (cautious) What do you mean?
Purple Zidler: (using his big vocabulary!) The show will be magnificent! Opulent! Tremendous! Stupendous! Gargantuan-
Redgentinean: (shouts) A SENSUAL RAVAGEMENT!!
Purple Zidler: QUIT CUTTING ME OFF!! (clears his throat) It will be a.
SONG - SPECTACULAR AMAZINGNESS
Purple Zidler: (spoken) Spectacular..
Bastine: (spoken-helpfully) AMAZINGNESS!
Purple Zidler: (spoken from behind the Dib-Duke) No words in the whole business
can describe this great event (makes a whoosh sound as he moves to the Dib- Duke's other side)
You'll be dumb with wonderment.
(leans in threateningly) Returns are fixed at ten percent.
(cheerfully) You must agree, that's excellent!
(sings) And on top of your fee...
All sing: (except for Dib-Duke) You'll be involved artistically.
Dib-Duke: (spoken) What's that mean.?
Everyone sings: (with another whoosh, Purple Zidler joins them) So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years!
Jentian: (grabs a Mickey Mouse hat) Rat people!
Zimlouse: (holds his fiddle up) Fiddles!
Purple Zidler: (bows) Irkens!
Bastine: (dances) And temptresses!
GIRie: (jumps around) CANDY!!
Zimlouse: (up on his mechanical legs all threateningly) And Planet Jackers!!
Redgentinean: Exotic girls! (evil smile)
All singing: (except for Dib-Duke) Fire-makers! Soldiers pride and Student flings! Intrigue! ..Danger!
Jentian: (spoken as he holds some flowers out to Bastine) Can't forget romance!
Bastine: ....
Dib-Duke: ...
All singing: (like nothing happened) Amazing lazers, (Redgentinean shoots off a lazer( smoke machines (a smoke bomb goes off) powered with.
Zimlouse: (spoken) ELECTRICITY!
All singing: (they dance around insanely) So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years!
(they run in place) Spectacular, Amazingness!
No words in the whole business,
can describe this great event,
you'll be dumb with wonderment.
(there is a general song pause as everyone runs around to grab various objects resembling outfits worn on Irk)
All Singing: (dramatically) The hills are alive, with the sound of music...
(they drop the costumes and go back to their big clump in front of the Dib- Duke)
All Singing: So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years!
Dib-Duke: (spoken, interrupting them) Yes, but what happens in the end?
Everyone Else: (looks around at each other worriedly before running off to create a stage set. Purple Zidler and the Redgentinean get tangled in the curtain they try to put up, Zimlouse randomly throws pillows everywhere, GIRie dances on the keyboard, Bastine adds more random set details and Jentian puts up a few lights)
Jentian: (standing in front of the curtain) Ahem! (sings) The temptress and computer man, are pulled apart by an evil plan...
(On the "stage", the curtain parts to reveal Bastine and the Redgentinean dressed in Irken costume. Zimlouse is off to the side in his cardboard box. As Jentian says "pulled apart" they turn their heads away from each other)
Bastine: (sings) But in the end she hears his song...
Jentian: (sings softly) And their love is just too strong.
Bastine: (shoots Jentian a confused look)
Dib-Duke: (sing horribly off-key) It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...
Everyone: (horrified silence at the duke's singing before they burst into song again from their various positions on the "stage") So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years!
Jentian sings: Sitar player's secret song helps them flee the evil one... (a little miniature voot cruiser zooms past a blanket covered in stars) Though the tyrant rants and rails, it is all to no avail!
Purple Zidler: (bursts out from behind the star blanket) I am the evil Soldier!! You will not escape!
Bastine: (spoken) Purple.. Why are you playing him?
Purple Zidler: (spoken somewhat angrily) Well, no one else's going to!
All Singing: (again, from various points on the stage) So exciting, we'll make them laugh we'll make them cry!
So delighting --!
Dib-Duke: (spoken in excitement) And in the end should someone die?!
Everyone: (stunned silence again while they think, and then sing again to distract the Dib-Duke) So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting it will run for 50 years...!
(The Can-Can music starts up as Keef suddenly appears, spying Zimlouse in his cardboard box. Zimlouse sees him too, and proceeds to flee around the room, avoiding all the mad dancing until Jentian picks him up out of harms way)
END OF SONG
Dib-Duke: (a bit disturbed) Generally.. I like it...!
Everyone: (cheers)
(END ACT III)
(We come back to the Moulin Vert, zooming over the courtyard. As we near the Green Monkey Statue, we see the Irkhemians heading towards it. We fly over them, hearing their lines as we go)
Zimlouse: [off screen] This is disgusting! Straight to the Monkey! Don't these people have any concept of knowing one another first!?
Redgentinean: [os] Oh, believe me, squirt, once they come out of there.. They'll know each other fine.
GIRie: [os] I bet they're havin' CUPcakes!
(We continue up to the head of the monkey, which has a balcony in it and a little gazebo on its head. We fly through the balcony, right up to Jentian's face. He's still in his tuxedo, crumpling his top hat in his hands and looking extremely nervous)
Jentian: Oh Irk, Oh Irk. what do I do.? Come on Jentian. THINK! Come up with SOMETHING for this Takine person.. (He obviously is not aware of the casting change) Um.. let's see. maybe something about her eyes. No. How about the sky.? (starts pacing as the door opens)
Bastine: (standing in the doorway, in a rather tempressy costume, stolen from its previous owner.) Nice place to read poetry.? Don't you think? (she smiles)
Jentian: (his eyes get very, very big) B. B. (recovers) Eh, yes! Of course mademoiselle... (he still looks horribly nervous)
Bastine: (moves over to a table with fruit and champagne) Would you. care for some food? Or perhaps a little. Strawberry Champagne? Hmm?
Jentian: (REALLY nervous) Um.. um. I'd. uh. rather. um. just. get it done. please? I. have a lot of work to get back to and um.
Bastine: (startled, half-drops the champagne back into the ice bucket) Oh... (regains her composure) Okay then.. Shall we. (gestures to the bed. which is green with glittery things all over it)
Jentian: (startled himself) Um. actually, I usually do it. standing up. It's easier for me that way.
Bastine: (surprised yet again) ....Oh. (approaches him)
Jentian: (scared) No no! Wait, um!! You don't have to stand up! I mean, sometimes I really get into it and it goes on for a really long time! I get too wrapped up in work you see. People say I wouldn't notice if the world exploded--
Bastine: (interrupts him) Uh huh. Let's. stop wasting time.
Jentian: (blushes bright green and turns away from him) Eh. just a second. (thinks for a while) Um. er. um. the. the sky. yeah! The sky! . Sky is. er. (turns back) ....What are you doing?
(cut to the outside of the Monkey. We can see the silhouettes of the Irkhemians climbing up the monkey)
GIRie: HE. (takes a step) HE. (takes another) HE!
Redgentinean: ZIM! Shut that thing up!
Zim: GIR! BE QUIET! Do you want to alert them to our presence and risk the Redgentinean's displeasure!?
GIRie: ...I have no idea!
Zim: Be quiet anyway!
(cut back to the interior of the Monkey. Bastine is rolling around on the bed, making odd noises while Jentian looks at her like she's gone crazy)
Bastine: POOK! (rolls around, trying to draw attention to herself)
Jentian: ....BLUE! (trying not to be disturbed by Bastine) Yeah. the sky. the sky is. blue.. and it.. um. (blows a couple raspberries)
Bastine: Hey! Watch it!
Jentian: Er. sorry.
Bastine: Uh huh.. (starts rolling again) Pook! Pook pook! (She wants attention)
Jentian: (frustrated) Could you stop?! You're really making me nervous! I. (blinks) Irk, I think I'm shaking.
Bastine: (sits up) Are you all right? Most. people aren't this nervous.
Jentian: (blushes) Well. um.. I've never really. done this before. my work is pretty private.
Bastine: Ohhhh... (lost)
Jentian: (continuing) And. um. well. I guess I need to get inspired before I can really do anything.. You know? Most of us are like that.
Bastine: (approaches him) Ohhh. yes, I see. Let me help. (throws her arms around his neck and kisses him. hard, and runs her hands over his chest before breaking the kiss) Does that INSPIRE you.?
Jentian: (can only stammer) Geh. geh. geh...
Bastine: (drags him over to the bed and tackles him) Let's go!
Jentian: GO!? GO WHERE!? (panicking, struggles)
Bastine: (evil smile) Aw, come on! That's what you came here for, right?!
Jentian: (one brief moment of sanity) Er, actually I thought I was coming up here to--
Bastine: Oh come on! Let's have some fun! (starts undoing the buttons on his white tux shirt)
Jentian: ACK!! (panicking again, tries to push her hands away)
Bastine: (purrs, swishing her tail) Oooo. You're built!
(We can see the Irkhemians peeking in a window behind them)
Zimlouse: (stares) WHAT ON IRK IS SHE--
Redgentinean: (staring too) Don't ask Zim.. Just watch and learn.
Zimlouse: NO!! You watch this disgusting display if you want, but I am going to go see to the DOOM of that infernal dook! (scrambles down off the Monkey)
(cut back to the interior)
Bastine: (sitting on Jentian) Now. Give me the poetry. (purrs evilly)
Jentian: Gah! All right! (scrambles away from her) Um. um. Oh! I know! (clears his throat) It's.. it's a little bit funny. this feeling. um.. inside! Yeah! I'm not one of those. eh. who. who can. erm.. easily hide!
Bastine: (stares)
Jentian: (improvising) I--I don't have many moneys, but.. Erm. Irk if I did. eehh. I'd buy a big house! Yeah! Where. um. we. we both could live!
Bastine: (it dawns on her) Ohhhhhhh. (starts rolling on the floor, laughing)
Jentian: (Doesn't understand her) Um. er. If I were a sculptor!!.. but. then again no.. Or a guy who makes potions for a circus. show!!
Bastine: (keeps laughing)
Jentian: I know it's not much...
Bastine: OH IRK!! (laughing insanely)
Jentian: But it's the best I can do!! (getting annoyed, turns away from her)
Bastine: (laughs harder)
SONG - YOUR SONG
Jentian sings: (tries a different tactic) My gift is my song!!
Bastine: (stops laughing and stares at him in rapt attention)
Jentian sings: (turns back to her) And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done...
I hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind...
that I put down in words...
How wonderful life is now you're in the world.
Bastine: (approaches him slowly, almost hypnotized) ....
Jentian sings: (wanders over to the balcony and leans against the railing)
Sat on the roof, and I kicked off the moss Well, some of these verses, well they,
they got me quite cross
But the sun's been kind
while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on
(he turns to face Bastine, holding her hands gently) So excuse me forgetting
but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is, what I really mean...
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen.
Bastine: (close up on her face, she's smiling)
(As Jentian continues singing, he sweeps them both out off the balcony onto what looks like a large cloud above the city. The moon is singing along with him, while a couple of piggies fly by. One of them hands him a black umbrella, which he puts over their heads as a shower of sparkles get dropped from another pig which is glowing like a mini pink moon. It's.. sorta romantic.. I guess)
Jentian sings: And you can tell everybody, this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
Hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind
that I put down in words
Bastine: (puts her arms around his shoulders)
Jentian sings: (hugs her close) How wonderful life is now you're in the world
Hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind
that I put down in words,
how wonderful life is now you're in the world!
END OF SONG
(the camera pans out to show that the two are still on the balcony, in each others' arms. It pans out further to show the Zimlouse sitting on top of the monkey with GIRie. He was playing his fiddle-providing the music for the song. Why he's back up on the monkey, instead of dooming the Dib-Duke, I don't know, ask Zimlouse.)
Zimlouse: (looking down on them) MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Another victory for the FID-ILL of ZIM!-louse! The play is OURS!! (cackles evilly)
GIRie: WE'RE GONNA DANCE LIKE CAN-CAN GIRLS!!
(zoom back to the balcony, where the two are inches away from a nice, romantic kiss)
Bastine: (dreamily) Mother of Irk. you sing. so well. I. I think I'm in love!
Jentian: (stunned) L-love? With. with me!?
Bastine: (purrs) Yesss. with you. a poetic. wonderful. Irken. duke who can sing.
Jentian: (surprised again) What.? Duke? What do you mean?
Bastine: (giggles) Your title doesn't matter.
Jentian: But... but I'm not a. (pales) Oh no.
Bastine: (now surprised) Not a.? OHNO!! Don't tell me you're not a DUKE!!
Jentian: (lets her go hastily) Then I probably shouldn't tell you I'm only a writer..
Bastine: ........(deadly silence) You're a writer.
Jentian: (scared) Yeah. um. yeah. A. um. Irken. write. er.
Bastine: NO!!! NO YOU'RE NOT!!
Jentian: (terrified) I'msorry! Iam! Zimlousetoldmeyou'dbemeetingmeallaloneandIwasallAAAH!buthesaidit'dbeokayands oIcameandsawyouandwentAAAH!andthenwehadamisunderstandingandyoujumpedonmeandl aughedandIwentallMYYYYGIFTISMYSOOOONGand-
Bastine: (cuts him off-thank God) ZIMLOUSE!? You know Zimlouse!? The most despised of all the Irkhemians the Moulin Vert caters to!?
Jentian: (blinks) You could say that.
Bastine: (grabs a mallet from behind a curtain) I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!!
(cut to the window again. Zimlouse is peeking through it again, with GIRie on his head, along with the Redgentinean.)
Zimlouse: (nervously) My Tallest. I think there may be a tiny glitch in our plans.
Redgentinean: A TINY glitch!? She figured it out!
(cut back to the inside of the Monkey)
Jentian: (trying to calm her down) I had no idea you were expecting anyone else! I'm sorry! Zimlouse said that you'd be meeting me.
Bastine: I wasn't supposed to be meeting a SINGING WRITER! I was supposed to be meeting THE DIB-DUKE! (she gasps) OH IRK!! THE DIB-DUKE! (runs to the door and opens it, only to see said Duke outside) GAH!! (she slams the door) HE'S HERE!!
Jentian: The Dib-Duke?
Bastine: NO! The PUMPKIN KING-YES the DIB-DUKE! HURRY! HIDE!
Jentian: (panicking) Where!?
Bastine: (hisses--litterally) OUT THE BACK!!
(Jentian heads for the balcony, but it stopped by the door opening. In a wild, acrobatic leap, he jumps over the champagne table, crashing into the opposite wall. He rolls out, half unconscious, and stops behind Bastine. Our leading lady hurriedly flings what dress she has over him, in order to hide him)
Purple Zidler: (entering) Hey! Are you de-(notices the change of actresses) BAST-ine! Bastine! Yes! Um. Where were you!? The Dib-Duke and I looked everywhere for you!
Bastine: (nervously) I. I was waiting! Here! You must have just. missed me. yes! I was probably out on the balcony when you got here! Yes. That's it..
Purple Zidler: (blinks) But. we checked out there... Twice.
Bastine: Then you must have been in the wrong Monkey!
Purple Zidler: What? There's only one Monkey. (shakes his head) Anyway! Here he is! The Dib-Duke! (steps aside slightly to allow the Dib-Duke to enter)
Dib-Duke: (removes his hat and makes a nervous bow to Bastine) Mademoiselle.
Bastine: Eh.. hehehehehe! (nervous too) Um. Welcome Monsieur Dib-Duke! It. um. it's a pleasure to. finally meet you!
Purple Zidler: "Finally?"
Bastine: (covering) AGAIN! Finally. meet. you. AGAIN!
Jentian: (snickers)
Bastine: (stomps on his hand) Ah Hahaha! Oh, I make myself laugh!
Dib-Duke: Are you all right.? You look a little pale. (moves toward her)
(while the Dib-Duke is distracted, Jentian hurriedly crawls behind the champagne table, managing to not hit a wall this time)
Bastine: (giggling nervously) I'm quite all right! I. I've never felt better!
Purple Zidler: (eyes her) Well. I should probably be going. Must make sure Gazi isn't beating the dooky out of our patrons! You know, important business! Have fun you two! (zips out)
Dib-Duke: (watches the door close) Um. heh. (takes her hand and lightly kisses it, all gentlemanly) A kiss on the hand--
Bastine: (pulls her hand back fast) Yes, yes, we all know that song.. I sing it every night, in fact.
Dib-Duke: Hmm. well, if you sing it so much-and so well!-then you probably need something to make sure your throat doesn't get sore or something like that. (turns to get her some champagne)
Bastine: (makes a weird, and quite loud, squeaking sound)
Dib-Duke: (looks back at her) Are you sure you're all right.? Maybe you REALLY need a drink. (turns back to the table)
Bastine: (loudly) YES! Yes I'm fine! (watches him turn back to her again) I'm so. FINE I could.. um. dance! Yes! Dance! WHEE! (dances wildly around the room, twirling around so her "dress" poofs out) Lookit me go!
Dib-Duke: (stares) Okay. Um. You sure you don't need any champagne? (he turns yet again to the drinks table)
Bastine: NO! (falls down to her knees so she can look him in the face) NO! Um. I. it. er. um.
Dib-Duke: (stares again) It.. what..?
Jentian: (peeks up from behind the table and waves at Bastine)
Bastine: (sees him) It's. a little bit funny.
Dib-Duke: (lost) What is?
Bastine: Uhh. This...
Jentian: (mouthing and waving to her) Feeling!
Bastine: (quickly) Feeling..!
Dib-Duke: (Still lost) What feeling?
Jentian: (mouths) Inside!
Bastine: Inside.
Jentian: (gesturing now, while mouthing. One of his gestures consists of his hand attacking his own neck) I'm not one of those who can easily...
Bastine: ...... I'm not one of those who can easily...
Jentian: (more gestures)
Bastine: ..hide.
Dib-Duke: (turns to look at what Bastine is staring at) What's so interesting back there.? You're not staring at my head are you?!?
Bastine: (yelps) NO! (hurried) I know I don't have many moneys, but if I did, I'd buy a big house where we both can live. (grabs the Dib-Duke and hugs him close, pressing him to her. Through this, she is waving at Jentian to get out)
Dib-Duke: (looks up at the ceiling, shocked)
Jentian: (shakes his head stubbornly and doesn't leave)
Bastine: (singing) I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind. That I put down in words, how wonderful life is now you're in the world. (looks at Jentian nervously)
Dib-Duke: (shakily) That's. very nice. could you. let me go. now.? Please?
Bastine: (abruptly lets him go and stares into his eyes) It's from "Spectacular... (word lapse) Amazingness!"
Dib-Duke: "Spectacular Amazingness"..?
Bastine: It's the play we so dearly need your patronage for! Remember?
(cut outside to the window)
Zimlouse: HEY! That's not what I called it!! (fuming)
Redgentinean: Shut up! Look at the size of the Dib-Duke's EYES! (laughs and points)
(cut back inside)
Bastine: And then! YOU! You walked in and suddenly, it was like a strike of lightning had hit me! BOOM! Right in the head! But, instead of my brain frying into moosh, I knew the meaning of "how wonderful life is, now you're in the world"! BOOM! Just like that! Id'nit great?
Dib-Duke: .....Mind telling me the meaning, mademoiselle?
Jentian: (opens the door to leave and sees Keef outside. His eyes get very big.)
Keef: HI! Is Zim in there? I've been looking all over him like Dib said to but-
Jentian: (slams the door and hides again)
Dib-Duke: (looks toward the sound) Was that Keef? And did the door just open?
Bastine: Uhh. umm. er. oh crap. (throws herself on the bed) YOU EVIL, EVIL MAN! Look at how you toy with my emotions! (sits up, glaring at him) First, you make me think you enjoy my company, then you ask about the door! Have you no shame!! (flops back down)
Dib-Duke: (approaches her) Wow. I had no idea that you Moulin Vert people take doors so seriously. Sorry-ACK!! (Bastine has grabbed him and has proceeded to cuddle him mercilessly)
Bastine: Dib-Duke!! You-you must know the effect you have on females! Your head! It's so. so.
Dib-Duke: (sourly) Big..?
Bastine: Well... NO! No! It is CUDDLY!! (continues cuddling him) Come on! I neeeeeeed cuddles! You know you want them! Gimmie!
Dib-Duke: (appears to be turning blue)
Jentian: (peeks out at them from his hiding place with a pleading look)
Bastine: Ohh. crappit! I guess you're right. cuddles must wait until opening night!
Jentian: (smirks to himself smugly)
Dib-Duke: Wait? What? (sits up) I DON'T WANT TO BE CUDDLED!
Bastine: Yes you do!
Dib-Duke: No, really, I don't.
Bastine: Ohhh. right! You want to be GLOMPED!
Dib-Duke: WHAT!? (scared)
Bastine: Okay, okay, I'll cuddle you. sheez, picky!
Dib-Duke: What's wrong with you!?
Bastine: There's a power in you that scares me. I can only tame it by cuddling you repeatedly! Without my work, you will explode from your power.. But, for now. You should go.
Dib-Duke: Go? But I just got here! Explode!? What!? I don't want to explode!
Bastine: (pushing him out the door) But we'll see each other everyday during rehearsal! I can give you enough cuddling to keep you alive then! But for the big cuddling finale.. we must until opening night.
Dib-Duke: .. Oh.. okay. Um. I'll leave then. (is shoved out)
Bastine: Bye! Thank you! Come again! (slams the door on the Dib-duke and turns to Jentian) You idiot! Do you have ANY idea how bad it would have been if he FOUND you here!? He could have cut off my head or shot me OR YOU! You inconsiderate MORON! (pales suddenly) You. you. ugh.(She gasps and faints)
Jentian: (instantly catches her) Oh! Oh IRK...! (shakes her lightly) Bast. Bastine.? Hello.?
(cut to an open window in the main building of the Moulin Vert, Purple Zidler walking past, minding his own business)
Purple Zidler: (glances sideways and sees Jentian's back, and Bastine being shook-naturally, he assumes. things) I wonde-AH!! AHH! MY EYES!! I WANT TO STAB MY EYES OOOOOUT!! (flees from the window)
Jentian: (stops shaking her) H-Hello? Wake up... Please wake up! Oh, Irk! I hope I didn't kill her.. (glances around) BED! Maybe I'll just put you on the bed. (moves over towards the bed, half-dragging Bastine) ACK! (he trips over her skirt, landing on top of her on the bed) ......This is awkward..
(suddenly, the door opens)
Dib-Duke: (entering) I forgot my Xscope (stops, staring at them)
Jentian: (panicked) She--I--
(fortunately, Bastine chooses this moment to wake up)
Bastine: Oh. (blinks) Um. Hello Dib-Duke!
Dib-Duke: What's going on in here!? I thought you said you'd only use your cuddling to keep me from exploding!
Bastine: (thinks) Uh. That's right Dib-Duke! This is the writer! ..
Dib-Duke: The. writer?
Bastine: (shoves Jentian off her) Naughty boy! (to Dib-Duke) Yes! The writer! We were rehearsing the play!
Dib-Duke: (skeptical) ..Right. In the middle of the night, in the arms of an Irken, inside a green monkey. Uh huh. Of COURSE you're rehearsing.
(cut to the outside of the monkey)
Redgentinean: Looks like we need another plan.
Zimlouse: Yes. Follow my lead, my Tallest!
(Cut back to the inside of the monkey. Bastine is looking nervously for a way out when the Irkhemians appear from their hiding place on the balcony)
Zimlouse: (launching right into his act) HELLO! I brought my mighty fid- ill! How did you EVER expect to rehearse without my masterful music skills?
GIRie: (on Zimlouse's head) PIANO!! WHEEEEEEEE!! (jumps on a keyboard and makes awful sounding chord)
Redgentinean: (swaggering in, all smug) Sorry - got held up! So many dancers! They couldn't keep their hands off me!
Jentian: Sure they couldn't.
Redgentinean: Watch it, singer-boy. Otherwise I'll hit you so hard you'll be singing soprano.
(cut to Purple Zidler's window again)
Purple Zidler: (comes back to the window, rubbing his eyes) Oh Mother of. the horror.. (looks up) GAH!! Not now not now!! Stupid midget! Idiotic RED!! (dashes off again)
Bastine: (to the Dib-Duke) You see? When you came, and said those things, I was so inspired that I gathered everyone together, right here, for an emergency rehearsal!
Dib-Duke: (still skeptical) Well.. if you're rehearsing, where's Purple Zidler?
(Purple Zidler bursts in, almost right on cue)
Purple Zidler: AAH!! Dib-DUKE! There you are!! I'm so incredibly SORRY! Dib-Duke: What.? (hopelessly confused)
Bastine: (sweeps over and smiles at Purple Zidler) Purple! You made it! Thank Irk! It's all right, don't panic so much! You might get head- explodey! The Dib-Duke knows all about the emergency rehearsal.
Purple Zidler: (clueless) The what?
Bastine: (through her teeth) The EMERGENCY REHEARSAL!
Purple Zidler: I didn't order any emergency rehearsal.
Bastine: (nervous laugh) Oh you're so silly! (serious) Yes you did. You know. make sure the Dib-Duke's idea's get in. (elbows him)
Purple Zidler: ....Ohhh. riiiiight.. THAT rehearsal! (smiles grandly at the Dib-Duke) Well I'm sure that Mewdrey person will be happy to put the Dib-Duke's ideas in!
Zimlouse: (clears his throat) Uh. Sir? Mewdrey's left.!
Purple Zidler: Shut up Zim, don't lie to me.
Bastine: (sighs) Oh Purple! The ferret's out of the cupboard now! The Dib- Duke knows everything about our show-well. almost. which is why he's so interested in giving us moneys.
Purple Zidler: (stares) Moneys? MONEYS! Oh yes, well give us moneys then!
Dib-Duke: .....
Purple Zidler: Come on now. Are you mad about Mewdrey leaving? Well, you can't really blame us for hiding. erm.....
Zimlouse: (clears his throat again) Jentian, my Tallest...
Purple Zidler: .Jentian away! It was only to keep his talents preserved!
Dib-Duke: (glares at Jentian) I'm afraid you failed. I already met HIM.
Purple Zidler: (nervous now) Well. um. er. why don't we just go down to my office and fill out some papers! (starts to lead the Dib-Duke out)
Dib-Duke: (stops him) What's the story?
Purple Zidler: ...The story?
Dib-Duke: (folds his arms) If I'm going to give you moneys, I have to know the story, don't I?
Purple Zidler: (looks around, startled) Oh yes, well the story's about... eh, Zimlouse?
Zimlouse: (thinking) Uh... The story-the story's about it's- it's about um... oh Irk.
GIRie: (jumps on the keyboard) MOOSES!
Dib-Duke: (glares at them all) Mooses?!
Jentian: (bursts out) It's about love!
Dib-Duke: ..Love?
Jentian: (quickly) Yes! Yes, it's about. Love. and. love overcoming. obstacles! BIG obstacles! ..With lots of teeth.
Zimlouse: (adds) And it's set in Skibowlia!
Dib-Duke: (glares at him) What's Skibowlia?
Purple Zidler: (pushes Zimlouse aside) It's not in Skibowlia, Dib-Duke! Don't worry!
Redgentinean: (stops looking for Bastine's underwear drawer) Wait, where the hell IS Skibowlia? Why haven't I heard of it!?
Jentian: Irk! Irk! It's set on Irk! And there's a.
Redgentinean: Temptress!
Jentian: .. Yes! A temptress, the most beautiful temptress on the planet, but her city falls under the jurisdiction of an evil Soldier Commander.
Redgentinean and Zimlouse: (in unison) HEY!!
Jentian: (ignoring them) Now, in order to save her city, she has to seduce the evil Soldier Commander.
Redgentinean: (aside) It SHOULD be an Evil Student boss!
Purple Zidler: (overhearing) Shut up! Or I'll make you repair my smoke machines when they break next time!
Jentian: (continuing) But on the night of the seduction, she mistakes a penniless wri- a penniless..
Bastine: (helpfully) Computer programmer?
Jentian: Yes! A penniless Computer Programmer for the evil Soldier Commander and she falls in love with him. (he turns to Bastine) He wasn't trying to trick her or anything. But he was dressed as a Soldier because...uh. because he's. um.
Zimlouse: (thinks) .Appearing in a play?
Dib-duke: Irkens perform plays?
Jentian: Yeah! This one does! He and a group of friends use their skills to put on shows on their days off!
Dib-Duke: ..okay.
Redgentinean: (steps forward) Seeing as I'M NOT evil. I will play. the Computer Programmer! I sing like an angel and I DANCE... like the devil...
Bastine: You sing and ACT like the devil too, if you ask me.
Jentian: And why are you suddenly a DANCING computer programmer??
Regentinean: Um. um. (falls asleep, keeling over with a loud THUNK) Zzzzz.
Dib-Duke: (stares) All right. So, a computer programmer-who dances and sings-travels around on his days off to perform with some buddies. I got it. What happens next?
Jentian: (thinks a moment) Of course. the two have to. erm. Hide their love from the Soldier Commander. Yes, that's it.
GIRie: (jumps in) He gots a magical cupcake-makin lappy-toppy thingy!! An' it tells truth!! An' it dances likea MUNKAY! See? (dances)
Dib-Duke: (blinks) Why does it tell the truth.? And make cupcakes.?
Jentain: (matter-of-factly) Because it's magickal.
Redgentinean: (waking up) ZIM'S THE COMPUTER!!
Zimlouse: WHAT!? No I won't!
Bastine: (aside to Zimlouse) Yes you will. otherwise you'll be cuddled.
Zimlouse: (hurriedly grabs a cardboard box-out of nowhere-and puts it over his head) I am a computer! (makes beeping noises and turns to Bastine) You cuddle people. (beeps and turns to Purple Zidler) You are tall. (turns to the Dib-Duke) You-GMPH!!
Irkhemians: (have covered Zimlouse's mouth and grin sheepishly while Zimlouse makes indignant noises)
Dib-Duke: ....And he gives it away?
Redgentinean: Tell him about the can-can!! You know Pur wants you to!
Jentian: (nervously) Uhh. The tantric can-can... it's an... um. dance.
Redgentinean: (breaking in) It's an erotic, sexy scene that captures the thrusting, violent, vibrant, wild Irkhemian s-
Purple Zidler: (cutting him off before he makes this thing rated R) SPIRIT! Yeah, Irkhemian spirit! That's what this whole play's about!
Dib-Duke: (cautious) What do you mean?
Purple Zidler: (using his big vocabulary!) The show will be magnificent! Opulent! Tremendous! Stupendous! Gargantuan-
Redgentinean: (shouts) A SENSUAL RAVAGEMENT!!
Purple Zidler: QUIT CUTTING ME OFF!! (clears his throat) It will be a.
SONG - SPECTACULAR AMAZINGNESS
Purple Zidler: (spoken) Spectacular..
Bastine: (spoken-helpfully) AMAZINGNESS!
Purple Zidler: (spoken from behind the Dib-Duke) No words in the whole business
can describe this great event (makes a whoosh sound as he moves to the Dib- Duke's other side)
You'll be dumb with wonderment.
(leans in threateningly) Returns are fixed at ten percent.
(cheerfully) You must agree, that's excellent!
(sings) And on top of your fee...
All sing: (except for Dib-Duke) You'll be involved artistically.
Dib-Duke: (spoken) What's that mean.?
Everyone sings: (with another whoosh, Purple Zidler joins them) So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years!
Jentian: (grabs a Mickey Mouse hat) Rat people!
Zimlouse: (holds his fiddle up) Fiddles!
Purple Zidler: (bows) Irkens!
Bastine: (dances) And temptresses!
GIRie: (jumps around) CANDY!!
Zimlouse: (up on his mechanical legs all threateningly) And Planet Jackers!!
Redgentinean: Exotic girls! (evil smile)
All singing: (except for Dib-Duke) Fire-makers! Soldiers pride and Student flings! Intrigue! ..Danger!
Jentian: (spoken as he holds some flowers out to Bastine) Can't forget romance!
Bastine: ....
Dib-Duke: ...
All singing: (like nothing happened) Amazing lazers, (Redgentinean shoots off a lazer( smoke machines (a smoke bomb goes off) powered with.
Zimlouse: (spoken) ELECTRICITY!
All singing: (they dance around insanely) So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years!
(they run in place) Spectacular, Amazingness!
No words in the whole business,
can describe this great event,
you'll be dumb with wonderment.
(there is a general song pause as everyone runs around to grab various objects resembling outfits worn on Irk)
All Singing: (dramatically) The hills are alive, with the sound of music...
(they drop the costumes and go back to their big clump in front of the Dib- Duke)
All Singing: So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years! So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years!
Dib-Duke: (spoken, interrupting them) Yes, but what happens in the end?
Everyone Else: (looks around at each other worriedly before running off to create a stage set. Purple Zidler and the Redgentinean get tangled in the curtain they try to put up, Zimlouse randomly throws pillows everywhere, GIRie dances on the keyboard, Bastine adds more random set details and Jentian puts up a few lights)
Jentian: (standing in front of the curtain) Ahem! (sings) The temptress and computer man, are pulled apart by an evil plan...
(On the "stage", the curtain parts to reveal Bastine and the Redgentinean dressed in Irken costume. Zimlouse is off to the side in his cardboard box. As Jentian says "pulled apart" they turn their heads away from each other)
Bastine: (sings) But in the end she hears his song...
Jentian: (sings softly) And their love is just too strong.
Bastine: (shoots Jentian a confused look)
Dib-Duke: (sing horribly off-key) It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...
Everyone: (horrified silence at the duke's singing before they burst into song again from their various positions on the "stage") So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting, it will run for 50 years!
Jentian sings: Sitar player's secret song helps them flee the evil one... (a little miniature voot cruiser zooms past a blanket covered in stars) Though the tyrant rants and rails, it is all to no avail!
Purple Zidler: (bursts out from behind the star blanket) I am the evil Soldier!! You will not escape!
Bastine: (spoken) Purple.. Why are you playing him?
Purple Zidler: (spoken somewhat angrily) Well, no one else's going to!
All Singing: (again, from various points on the stage) So exciting, we'll make them laugh we'll make them cry!
So delighting --!
Dib-Duke: (spoken in excitement) And in the end should someone die?!
Everyone: (stunned silence again while they think, and then sing again to distract the Dib-Duke) So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer! So delighting it will run for 50 years...!
(The Can-Can music starts up as Keef suddenly appears, spying Zimlouse in his cardboard box. Zimlouse sees him too, and proceeds to flee around the room, avoiding all the mad dancing until Jentian picks him up out of harms way)
END OF SONG
Dib-Duke: (a bit disturbed) Generally.. I like it...!
Everyone: (cheers)
(END ACT III)