Come on!" Sirius muttered under his breath as he cradled his boyfriend's
head in his lap while stroking his soaked through hair. He could feel his
own heart racing, he should never have let Remus go home earlier on his
own. If he'd stuck up for himself earlier he could have got to him before
he was so bad. "Wake up Moony please!" He could hear the tears in his own
voice as he shook Remus a little harder. "You've been so sick.and you're so
hot.please!" He pleaded, realising it was to no avail he decided there was
nothing for it, he had to get help for Remus, and fast.
Pulling himself out from underneath his unconscious partner, battling with his emotions he managed to pull Remus into his arms. Not caring what wizarding laws he was flouting he gave a quick flick of his wand with some difficulty and disapparated, appearing with a resounding crack, struggling to hold Remus' dead weight in his hands, in St. Mungo's reception area.
"Help me please!" He screeched at anyone who would listen. The next thing he knew there were nurses and healers floating Remus away. He tried to run after them, taking his Remus away when he was so ill but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry Mr.."
"Black..Sirius"
"Black, but your friend needs to go with the healers now. If you could just come with me, my name is Ellen, and I'll get a few details from you which can help the healers with his condition."
The slightly rotund nurse with her lightly wrinkled features ushered Sirius into a little room. He sat wringing his hands as she placed herself opposite him.
"So can you give me a little information about the patient and his symptoms?" She asked gently.
"His name is Remus Lupin. He's a werewolf, I don't know if that makes a difference, but I've never seen him this ill after a transformation even. How can this happen? He was alright last night for crying out loud! It's so unfair!" He wailed, accepting the tissue she offered him and blowing his nose.
"He was really stroppy this morning you know, then he was feeling a bit off colour but nothing would have led me to believe this could happen! He was sick and he went erm home," He didn't want to mention that they had been doing Order business, you couldn't be too careful who you were talking to in these times. "And then I found him like that, unconscious earlier, and I brought him straight here, I just don't know what to do! I love him, he can't die!"
She passed him another tissue to mop up his flooding tears. "You've been very helpful Mr Black." She told him, trying to calm him. "I'll pass on what you've told us to the healers and one of them will come and see you soon."
"Don't leave me!" He cried out as she stood to leave.
"Someone will be back soon sir, just try to stay calm, they can work magic, try not to worry too much." He saw the pity in her eyes, he didn't want her pity, it made him angry almost, her kind words and her soothing manner. All he wanted was his Remus back, and right now he couldn't be sure that was going to happen.
***
"Mr Black? I'm Healer McKenzie." He shook hands with Sirius then sat down facing him.
"Is Remus going to be alright? Please tell me he's ok."
"Remus is seriously ill Mr. Black. We have ran a series of blood charms on him and he has a condition which is poisoning his blood, silver poisoning of some description."
"Oh Merlin! He's been attacked with something silver! Shit!" Sirius shook his head and bit his lip.
"No, not attacked. I believe it is caused by the ingestion of silver, possibly off cutlery or a goblet, but it is actually a form of septicaemia, or blood poisoning, as opposed to a wound inflicted upon your partner."
Sirius nodded slowly, finding this quite hard to take in. How could someone who was as healthy as Remus had been of late suddenly be so ill.
"He's in a room on his own in intensive care as he is very unwell." The healer was speaking steadily and Sirius didn't envy him this job, it must be hard to tell people on a daily basis how poorly their loved ones were. "If I can help you in anyway at all Mr Black all you need do is ask."
"I don't care about me, just about him. What are you doing for him?" The healer smiled, he was quite touched by Sirius' genuine love for the werewolf, he hadn't realised they were much more than sex partners from what he'd seen of them in the paper, but then again Rita Skeeter had written about the Black family heir and his preferences in her usual style, but this was definitely different.
He's on intravenous potions to try to combat the infection and drugs to maintain his blood pressure because blood poisoning can significantly lower blood pressure. He looks very poorly and has lesions on his skin due to clotting caused by infection beneath the skin and the next 24-48 hours are critical."
Sirius didn't know what to say and felt a little like one of those dogs in the back windows of muggle's cars that he had seen where their heads just nodded up and down continuously. "Is he going to die?" He finally managed to ask.
"I hope not. Would you like to see him?"
Sirius nodded. "Yes please, can I just make a floo call first, I have to let someone know where we are, and his parents."
Telling Dumbledore, who was now back at Hogwarts, had been difficult enough. Sirius was between two emotions with Albus, he felt hatred that the headmaster hadn't let him be with Remus, but then again deep down Sirius knew that if Dumbledore had had any idea that Remus' illness was so severe then he'd have gone straight to the hospital with him so he couldn't blame Albus, much as he wanted someone to point the finger at. The other he felt was just pain, how could this happen to them when they were so happy. Sirius could tell Dumbledore felt guilty from the tone of his voice as he agreed to send James straight away with the others for moral support.
Then came the task of flooing Remus' family. Dumbledore had kindly offered to do it, knowing that Sirius was distraught about Remus' condition and would struggle to tell the story over again but Sirius had politely refused saying that it was his place as Remus' partner to do it even though it would be hard.
In fact Sirius found it harder to do than anything in his entire life, even harder than running out of home as a teenager. Telling someone that their child might be dying, someone who they all loved was severely ill and fighting for his life in an intensive care unit. There was more than one time when Sirius had to stop to recover himself from crying. He just couldn't bear this, the distress, the agony, the fear.
He was shown into Remus' room and bit down hard on his lip, so hard in fact that he drew blood. Remus' skin was clammy looking and almost transparent apart from a few deep red blotches underneath the surface of his skin which stood out angrily against the pale flesh. Worse still were the charmed machines attached to him and the drips in both of his arms, from which dripped disgusting coloured potions. There were tubes to his mouth to help him breathe and he just looked so terrible that Sirius wanted to just gather him in his arms and take him away from all this.
Sirius couldn't decide what was worse, being in Remus' position unaware of the desperation or in his own position fully conscious of how serious this was and how what they had could be snatched from them. How could life be so cruel? Had Remus not suffered enough from that bite, the initial agony, then the transformations every month for the rest of his life, the bitterness those who knew of him felt because of the creature that resided in him, why did he have to get poisoned because he was a werewolf, how could Merlin be so cruel?
Shaking he pulled a chair up beside Remus' bed and carefully lowered himself into it, so wobbly that even the simple task of sitting down seemed quite difficult. "Oh sweetheart." Sirius shook his head disbelievingly as he reached out to take Remus' limp hand in his own. It hung lifelessly there, the palm damp with a cold sweat, the back of it penetrated by a catheter leading to a drip giving him the drugs that would help him survive.
"Everything was going so well! How could this happen to you? Why not to someone else? I know that's cruel to wish it upon other people but anyone other than you love!" Sirius looked at Remus' expressionless face, blond eyelashes down over his slightly flushed cheeks. "I wish I could tell if you are still hurting Moony, I hope not, that would make this even worse...and it really can't get much worse I don't think Rem. When you said earlier that you were scared, well that's how I feel now. I've never been so scared in my whole life!"
Sirius began tracing the wrinkles in the palm of Remus' hand gently with his thumb. "My cousin Andromeda always said I had nice hands, I think yours are pretty perfect myself, particularly when they're doing naughty but nice things to me!"
Sirius attempted to laugh but it came out all wrong just like a choked breath. "I don't know why I'm trying to make myself laugh, I'm not funny at the best of times, although I like to think so, and I don't know if even James could make me giggle right now I'm just so worried!" He exhaled loudly.
"I remember when I was younger when I'd stolen something from my Dad's study and broken it and I knew he'd find out and I remember being so afraid because he was so much bigger than little me. Although that kind of thing was the least of my worries as I grew older; but we'll not go there again for now. And being frightened to go on missions for the Order sometimes in front of all those people we don't know, not knowing what to expect when we get there, frightened of what people think of me and you and all that, but nothing compares to this Moony. Nothing at all to the fear of losing you!"
Sirius pulled the now rather bedraggled tissue that the nurse had handed him earlier and dabbed at his wet eyes, trying to get a grip of himself. "I know we've only been together a year now, it should be our anniversary in just two days Remus you know, well I'm sure you do know, you're more romantic than me I reckon! A whole year. Pretty good yeah? It could have been even longer I guess if I hadn't been a pillock! Hopefully it'll be a long time yet. I can't ever see myself without you now."
He squeezed Remus' hand and leaned down to kiss his cheek, unable to speak momentarily for the lump in his throat. "You're so beautiful darling, I know you get annoyed when I say you're beautiful because it isn't terribly manly as far as descriptions go but Remy you truly are beautiful, it's definitely the best way to describe you, well along with gorgeous, sexy, handsome, loving, kind...I could go on forever...well just in case I'm making your head big if you can hear me we'll add stubborn, a bit huffy from time to time, sarcastic, erm adorable...alright you're my idea of perfect. Oh and the fact that you give bloody good blow jobs helps as well!"
"I was so silly Rem, I could see how you felt for me and I just continued to deny you. I would see you watching me, following me with those lovely amber eyes of yours. I'd see you turn away when I looked too closely, or blush if I caught you at it once too often. And how you would sometimes be really friendly and tactile towards me and other times a little bit stand offish as if I'd upset you, I probably had. It can't be nice when someone who you really like doesn't actually appear to give a toss! But I did care, I just didn't want to really admit it I think, I was too set in my ways to accept that I might be attracted to another man! How daft. I mean I don't think it's possible to have a happier relationship than ours. We get on so well and yes we fight now and then, who doesn't I mean I'm sure even the Minister of Magic and his cabinets' families fight! Actually let's not use them as a comparison to us, they're all divorced and unhappy! But even when we do fight it's silly little things isn't it? And it doesn't last long before one of us gives in and we kiss and make up. Even though I was terrified of the prospect of being gay I have to say I was very flattered that you found me attractive, after all you're a bloody good looking lad and you could have practically anyone you wanted, well could do, you'd better not try to have anyone else now, I might just be a little bit upset!"
Sirius, who usually craved audience participation was finding this one sided conversation therapeutic, just him, alone, talking to the man he loved, about how he felt for him, revealing emotions that he wouldn't ever speak of to anyone else. With Remus it was different, he could tell him anything, and told him everything.
"Hey Remus, you'd better wake up sharpish you know. I mean it's not like you to allow me to have more than 2 sentences in a row before you butt in, chatterbox!" Sirius smiled, he was quite happy to let Remus talk, and by Merlin he could blabber he thought with a smile, at one time Remus wouldn't have said boo to a Flobberworm! It was different when it was just the two of them, they were very equal, although once Remus started he was difficult to shut up. Sirius didn't mind. He could happily lie holding Remus for hours and listen to his voice. He'd give anything to be like that right now instead of having Remus lying so ill in front of him and it being him doing all the speaking, it just wasn't right, it felt wrong, it felt almost like punishment. Sirius wouldn't let it cross his mind though that this was punishment for their relationship, it couldn't possibly be wrong to be this in love with someone else.
"I remember you telling me when you'd had a little, or should I say a lot, too much to drink that you'd never felt like this before. I thought you meant so pissed to start with and I laughed, you looked offended, the way your eyes dropped and you pouted, told me I'd got it wrong.
"You shook your head and bit your lip then turned and looked straight into my eyes, I was amazed you could look straight seeing as five minutes earlier you'd had one eye up one eye down syndrome as Wormtail calls it, you always get that when you're drunk, it's quite cute actually. You looked straight in my eyes and I'll never forget exactly what you'd said even though I'd swallowed a few too many of the Olde Ogden's myself! You said 'Is it so hard for you to accept that I care about you? That I'm in love with you? Because it's hard for me to know I'll never have my feelings returned and I have to live everyday knowing that! I'm sorry if that's hard for you to accept, but it's even harder for me.' And you got up and walked, sorry wobbled, upstairs to your room at James' house."
"I went to my own room and it has to have been one of the longest nights of my life. I sat on my bed propped up against the pillows with the light out, if anyone had seen me they'd probably think I was a nutcase! I had known for a while that you'd found me attractive, you had your eyes on my arse enough for even me to have figured that one out, I know I'm thought of as thoughtless, or mad even, regularly, much to your annoyance may I add, I can hear you now Rem 'Sirius you do think! You're just misunderstood by people who don't know you like I do!' It's like your mantra to me! I'd known you liked me, but I'd been able to ignore it, I didn't want to face up to the fact that I might feel the same way back, I'd always forced it out of my mind.
"But it had gone too far by this point. You said you loved me and suddenly I had to face it, it wasn't just me in this but you too, and I knew that then. Until then I'd been able to deny that I might feel for you too, selfish as it was it had always seemed easier for me to live in my sheltered little world where I conformed to everything considered normal to decent wizarding families! I'd had enough of rebellion for a while after all of the issues with my parents. Now I had to admit to myself that I liked you looking at me, that since you'd started watching me and showing me that little bit more affection I'd never really found myself seeking out any women to be with. That I'd never wanted a relationship with other people. That's when it hit home. I couldn't pretend anymore that I was straight Sirius Black. I hadn't let myself in on it, but deep down somewhere inside I suppose I loved you too." Sirius lifted Remus' hand and kissed it softly.
"I knocked on your door at about 5:30 in the morning. I don't know why I didn't just walk in, fear I suppose. I must have woken you up. It took you a while to open the door, and then when you did you nearly shut it in my face but I put my foot in the way. I don't really blame you, I'd upset you deeply, even though I hadn't meant to. I didn't exactly feel guilty, it wasn't like I'd set out to hurt you, but I still felt a bit bad because I obviously had, but I'd hurt myself too by living this silly lie of mine. You looked at me with your big amber eyes, they were all puffy and red, you'd cried yourself to sleep, because of me. It actually hurt knowing you'd been so sad you'd wept until you gave in to sleep. After all you're one of the strongest people I know, if not the strongest. All I wanted to do was make sure you never felt you had to cry like that again. I wanted to cuddle you but you wouldn't let me when I tried once the door was shut".
"You said you didn't want my pity, just for me to respect the way you felt and show a little bit of understanding and not hate you for it. I had to really persuade you before you would back down, not that I blamed you for having your guard up, I'd brought that on myself, but it felt so good to hold you in my arms a short while later, telling each other about how we really felt, I'd never been so honest with anyone before, it didn't feel as hard as I'd have thought though, with you it somehow felt natural, it proved to me that I'd made the right choice."
"From then on we got to know each other. It's funny really, we'd known each other for years, been really close as friends but there was so much more that we hadn't known, things which you keep just for your lover I guess. It was like learning all over again about you and it made me feel really privileged to know all this about you, I wanted to know everything and I told you everything as you did me. Then there was learning about each other's bodies. Feeling the escape that kissing you gave me, discovering what we both liked, where we enjoyed being touched most, I never knew somebody could have such a sensitive neck, it just makes you melt, and making you feel like that is the most amazing sensation in the world. When we finally made love for the first time it was like losing my virginity all over again but much better. It felt so special being that close with you. Then we told Peter and James, and your family, no point in telling mine, I couldn't be any more of a disgrace in their opinion even if I'd sucked Dumbeldore's cock on the front page of the Prophet." Sirius couldn't help but shudder, where on Earth had he plucked such a horrible thought from!
"Everyone took it quite well really. I think your parents were disappointed to start with but even they can see how much we mean to each other, no parent could deny their child this happiness surely, even if they aren't 100% about it." Sirius jumped as the nurse said his name. He hoped to God she had only just come in and hadn't been their listening to what he had been saying, it had been incredibly personal and he wanted it kept private.
"Your friends are downstairs, they can't all come up here at once and it would do you good to have a little break and get a drink. He'll be fine while you're away." Sirius nodded and got up after kissing Remus' forehead, but inside he was thinking 'how do you know he'll be fine?' However he knew there was little he could do and tore himself away reluctantly from Remus' side and made his way downstairs, after all his friends had come for him, the least he could do was go and see them
TBC.
Pulling himself out from underneath his unconscious partner, battling with his emotions he managed to pull Remus into his arms. Not caring what wizarding laws he was flouting he gave a quick flick of his wand with some difficulty and disapparated, appearing with a resounding crack, struggling to hold Remus' dead weight in his hands, in St. Mungo's reception area.
"Help me please!" He screeched at anyone who would listen. The next thing he knew there were nurses and healers floating Remus away. He tried to run after them, taking his Remus away when he was so ill but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry Mr.."
"Black..Sirius"
"Black, but your friend needs to go with the healers now. If you could just come with me, my name is Ellen, and I'll get a few details from you which can help the healers with his condition."
The slightly rotund nurse with her lightly wrinkled features ushered Sirius into a little room. He sat wringing his hands as she placed herself opposite him.
"So can you give me a little information about the patient and his symptoms?" She asked gently.
"His name is Remus Lupin. He's a werewolf, I don't know if that makes a difference, but I've never seen him this ill after a transformation even. How can this happen? He was alright last night for crying out loud! It's so unfair!" He wailed, accepting the tissue she offered him and blowing his nose.
"He was really stroppy this morning you know, then he was feeling a bit off colour but nothing would have led me to believe this could happen! He was sick and he went erm home," He didn't want to mention that they had been doing Order business, you couldn't be too careful who you were talking to in these times. "And then I found him like that, unconscious earlier, and I brought him straight here, I just don't know what to do! I love him, he can't die!"
She passed him another tissue to mop up his flooding tears. "You've been very helpful Mr Black." She told him, trying to calm him. "I'll pass on what you've told us to the healers and one of them will come and see you soon."
"Don't leave me!" He cried out as she stood to leave.
"Someone will be back soon sir, just try to stay calm, they can work magic, try not to worry too much." He saw the pity in her eyes, he didn't want her pity, it made him angry almost, her kind words and her soothing manner. All he wanted was his Remus back, and right now he couldn't be sure that was going to happen.
***
"Mr Black? I'm Healer McKenzie." He shook hands with Sirius then sat down facing him.
"Is Remus going to be alright? Please tell me he's ok."
"Remus is seriously ill Mr. Black. We have ran a series of blood charms on him and he has a condition which is poisoning his blood, silver poisoning of some description."
"Oh Merlin! He's been attacked with something silver! Shit!" Sirius shook his head and bit his lip.
"No, not attacked. I believe it is caused by the ingestion of silver, possibly off cutlery or a goblet, but it is actually a form of septicaemia, or blood poisoning, as opposed to a wound inflicted upon your partner."
Sirius nodded slowly, finding this quite hard to take in. How could someone who was as healthy as Remus had been of late suddenly be so ill.
"He's in a room on his own in intensive care as he is very unwell." The healer was speaking steadily and Sirius didn't envy him this job, it must be hard to tell people on a daily basis how poorly their loved ones were. "If I can help you in anyway at all Mr Black all you need do is ask."
"I don't care about me, just about him. What are you doing for him?" The healer smiled, he was quite touched by Sirius' genuine love for the werewolf, he hadn't realised they were much more than sex partners from what he'd seen of them in the paper, but then again Rita Skeeter had written about the Black family heir and his preferences in her usual style, but this was definitely different.
He's on intravenous potions to try to combat the infection and drugs to maintain his blood pressure because blood poisoning can significantly lower blood pressure. He looks very poorly and has lesions on his skin due to clotting caused by infection beneath the skin and the next 24-48 hours are critical."
Sirius didn't know what to say and felt a little like one of those dogs in the back windows of muggle's cars that he had seen where their heads just nodded up and down continuously. "Is he going to die?" He finally managed to ask.
"I hope not. Would you like to see him?"
Sirius nodded. "Yes please, can I just make a floo call first, I have to let someone know where we are, and his parents."
Telling Dumbledore, who was now back at Hogwarts, had been difficult enough. Sirius was between two emotions with Albus, he felt hatred that the headmaster hadn't let him be with Remus, but then again deep down Sirius knew that if Dumbledore had had any idea that Remus' illness was so severe then he'd have gone straight to the hospital with him so he couldn't blame Albus, much as he wanted someone to point the finger at. The other he felt was just pain, how could this happen to them when they were so happy. Sirius could tell Dumbledore felt guilty from the tone of his voice as he agreed to send James straight away with the others for moral support.
Then came the task of flooing Remus' family. Dumbledore had kindly offered to do it, knowing that Sirius was distraught about Remus' condition and would struggle to tell the story over again but Sirius had politely refused saying that it was his place as Remus' partner to do it even though it would be hard.
In fact Sirius found it harder to do than anything in his entire life, even harder than running out of home as a teenager. Telling someone that their child might be dying, someone who they all loved was severely ill and fighting for his life in an intensive care unit. There was more than one time when Sirius had to stop to recover himself from crying. He just couldn't bear this, the distress, the agony, the fear.
He was shown into Remus' room and bit down hard on his lip, so hard in fact that he drew blood. Remus' skin was clammy looking and almost transparent apart from a few deep red blotches underneath the surface of his skin which stood out angrily against the pale flesh. Worse still were the charmed machines attached to him and the drips in both of his arms, from which dripped disgusting coloured potions. There were tubes to his mouth to help him breathe and he just looked so terrible that Sirius wanted to just gather him in his arms and take him away from all this.
Sirius couldn't decide what was worse, being in Remus' position unaware of the desperation or in his own position fully conscious of how serious this was and how what they had could be snatched from them. How could life be so cruel? Had Remus not suffered enough from that bite, the initial agony, then the transformations every month for the rest of his life, the bitterness those who knew of him felt because of the creature that resided in him, why did he have to get poisoned because he was a werewolf, how could Merlin be so cruel?
Shaking he pulled a chair up beside Remus' bed and carefully lowered himself into it, so wobbly that even the simple task of sitting down seemed quite difficult. "Oh sweetheart." Sirius shook his head disbelievingly as he reached out to take Remus' limp hand in his own. It hung lifelessly there, the palm damp with a cold sweat, the back of it penetrated by a catheter leading to a drip giving him the drugs that would help him survive.
"Everything was going so well! How could this happen to you? Why not to someone else? I know that's cruel to wish it upon other people but anyone other than you love!" Sirius looked at Remus' expressionless face, blond eyelashes down over his slightly flushed cheeks. "I wish I could tell if you are still hurting Moony, I hope not, that would make this even worse...and it really can't get much worse I don't think Rem. When you said earlier that you were scared, well that's how I feel now. I've never been so scared in my whole life!"
Sirius began tracing the wrinkles in the palm of Remus' hand gently with his thumb. "My cousin Andromeda always said I had nice hands, I think yours are pretty perfect myself, particularly when they're doing naughty but nice things to me!"
Sirius attempted to laugh but it came out all wrong just like a choked breath. "I don't know why I'm trying to make myself laugh, I'm not funny at the best of times, although I like to think so, and I don't know if even James could make me giggle right now I'm just so worried!" He exhaled loudly.
"I remember when I was younger when I'd stolen something from my Dad's study and broken it and I knew he'd find out and I remember being so afraid because he was so much bigger than little me. Although that kind of thing was the least of my worries as I grew older; but we'll not go there again for now. And being frightened to go on missions for the Order sometimes in front of all those people we don't know, not knowing what to expect when we get there, frightened of what people think of me and you and all that, but nothing compares to this Moony. Nothing at all to the fear of losing you!"
Sirius pulled the now rather bedraggled tissue that the nurse had handed him earlier and dabbed at his wet eyes, trying to get a grip of himself. "I know we've only been together a year now, it should be our anniversary in just two days Remus you know, well I'm sure you do know, you're more romantic than me I reckon! A whole year. Pretty good yeah? It could have been even longer I guess if I hadn't been a pillock! Hopefully it'll be a long time yet. I can't ever see myself without you now."
He squeezed Remus' hand and leaned down to kiss his cheek, unable to speak momentarily for the lump in his throat. "You're so beautiful darling, I know you get annoyed when I say you're beautiful because it isn't terribly manly as far as descriptions go but Remy you truly are beautiful, it's definitely the best way to describe you, well along with gorgeous, sexy, handsome, loving, kind...I could go on forever...well just in case I'm making your head big if you can hear me we'll add stubborn, a bit huffy from time to time, sarcastic, erm adorable...alright you're my idea of perfect. Oh and the fact that you give bloody good blow jobs helps as well!"
"I was so silly Rem, I could see how you felt for me and I just continued to deny you. I would see you watching me, following me with those lovely amber eyes of yours. I'd see you turn away when I looked too closely, or blush if I caught you at it once too often. And how you would sometimes be really friendly and tactile towards me and other times a little bit stand offish as if I'd upset you, I probably had. It can't be nice when someone who you really like doesn't actually appear to give a toss! But I did care, I just didn't want to really admit it I think, I was too set in my ways to accept that I might be attracted to another man! How daft. I mean I don't think it's possible to have a happier relationship than ours. We get on so well and yes we fight now and then, who doesn't I mean I'm sure even the Minister of Magic and his cabinets' families fight! Actually let's not use them as a comparison to us, they're all divorced and unhappy! But even when we do fight it's silly little things isn't it? And it doesn't last long before one of us gives in and we kiss and make up. Even though I was terrified of the prospect of being gay I have to say I was very flattered that you found me attractive, after all you're a bloody good looking lad and you could have practically anyone you wanted, well could do, you'd better not try to have anyone else now, I might just be a little bit upset!"
Sirius, who usually craved audience participation was finding this one sided conversation therapeutic, just him, alone, talking to the man he loved, about how he felt for him, revealing emotions that he wouldn't ever speak of to anyone else. With Remus it was different, he could tell him anything, and told him everything.
"Hey Remus, you'd better wake up sharpish you know. I mean it's not like you to allow me to have more than 2 sentences in a row before you butt in, chatterbox!" Sirius smiled, he was quite happy to let Remus talk, and by Merlin he could blabber he thought with a smile, at one time Remus wouldn't have said boo to a Flobberworm! It was different when it was just the two of them, they were very equal, although once Remus started he was difficult to shut up. Sirius didn't mind. He could happily lie holding Remus for hours and listen to his voice. He'd give anything to be like that right now instead of having Remus lying so ill in front of him and it being him doing all the speaking, it just wasn't right, it felt wrong, it felt almost like punishment. Sirius wouldn't let it cross his mind though that this was punishment for their relationship, it couldn't possibly be wrong to be this in love with someone else.
"I remember you telling me when you'd had a little, or should I say a lot, too much to drink that you'd never felt like this before. I thought you meant so pissed to start with and I laughed, you looked offended, the way your eyes dropped and you pouted, told me I'd got it wrong.
"You shook your head and bit your lip then turned and looked straight into my eyes, I was amazed you could look straight seeing as five minutes earlier you'd had one eye up one eye down syndrome as Wormtail calls it, you always get that when you're drunk, it's quite cute actually. You looked straight in my eyes and I'll never forget exactly what you'd said even though I'd swallowed a few too many of the Olde Ogden's myself! You said 'Is it so hard for you to accept that I care about you? That I'm in love with you? Because it's hard for me to know I'll never have my feelings returned and I have to live everyday knowing that! I'm sorry if that's hard for you to accept, but it's even harder for me.' And you got up and walked, sorry wobbled, upstairs to your room at James' house."
"I went to my own room and it has to have been one of the longest nights of my life. I sat on my bed propped up against the pillows with the light out, if anyone had seen me they'd probably think I was a nutcase! I had known for a while that you'd found me attractive, you had your eyes on my arse enough for even me to have figured that one out, I know I'm thought of as thoughtless, or mad even, regularly, much to your annoyance may I add, I can hear you now Rem 'Sirius you do think! You're just misunderstood by people who don't know you like I do!' It's like your mantra to me! I'd known you liked me, but I'd been able to ignore it, I didn't want to face up to the fact that I might feel the same way back, I'd always forced it out of my mind.
"But it had gone too far by this point. You said you loved me and suddenly I had to face it, it wasn't just me in this but you too, and I knew that then. Until then I'd been able to deny that I might feel for you too, selfish as it was it had always seemed easier for me to live in my sheltered little world where I conformed to everything considered normal to decent wizarding families! I'd had enough of rebellion for a while after all of the issues with my parents. Now I had to admit to myself that I liked you looking at me, that since you'd started watching me and showing me that little bit more affection I'd never really found myself seeking out any women to be with. That I'd never wanted a relationship with other people. That's when it hit home. I couldn't pretend anymore that I was straight Sirius Black. I hadn't let myself in on it, but deep down somewhere inside I suppose I loved you too." Sirius lifted Remus' hand and kissed it softly.
"I knocked on your door at about 5:30 in the morning. I don't know why I didn't just walk in, fear I suppose. I must have woken you up. It took you a while to open the door, and then when you did you nearly shut it in my face but I put my foot in the way. I don't really blame you, I'd upset you deeply, even though I hadn't meant to. I didn't exactly feel guilty, it wasn't like I'd set out to hurt you, but I still felt a bit bad because I obviously had, but I'd hurt myself too by living this silly lie of mine. You looked at me with your big amber eyes, they were all puffy and red, you'd cried yourself to sleep, because of me. It actually hurt knowing you'd been so sad you'd wept until you gave in to sleep. After all you're one of the strongest people I know, if not the strongest. All I wanted to do was make sure you never felt you had to cry like that again. I wanted to cuddle you but you wouldn't let me when I tried once the door was shut".
"You said you didn't want my pity, just for me to respect the way you felt and show a little bit of understanding and not hate you for it. I had to really persuade you before you would back down, not that I blamed you for having your guard up, I'd brought that on myself, but it felt so good to hold you in my arms a short while later, telling each other about how we really felt, I'd never been so honest with anyone before, it didn't feel as hard as I'd have thought though, with you it somehow felt natural, it proved to me that I'd made the right choice."
"From then on we got to know each other. It's funny really, we'd known each other for years, been really close as friends but there was so much more that we hadn't known, things which you keep just for your lover I guess. It was like learning all over again about you and it made me feel really privileged to know all this about you, I wanted to know everything and I told you everything as you did me. Then there was learning about each other's bodies. Feeling the escape that kissing you gave me, discovering what we both liked, where we enjoyed being touched most, I never knew somebody could have such a sensitive neck, it just makes you melt, and making you feel like that is the most amazing sensation in the world. When we finally made love for the first time it was like losing my virginity all over again but much better. It felt so special being that close with you. Then we told Peter and James, and your family, no point in telling mine, I couldn't be any more of a disgrace in their opinion even if I'd sucked Dumbeldore's cock on the front page of the Prophet." Sirius couldn't help but shudder, where on Earth had he plucked such a horrible thought from!
"Everyone took it quite well really. I think your parents were disappointed to start with but even they can see how much we mean to each other, no parent could deny their child this happiness surely, even if they aren't 100% about it." Sirius jumped as the nurse said his name. He hoped to God she had only just come in and hadn't been their listening to what he had been saying, it had been incredibly personal and he wanted it kept private.
"Your friends are downstairs, they can't all come up here at once and it would do you good to have a little break and get a drink. He'll be fine while you're away." Sirius nodded and got up after kissing Remus' forehead, but inside he was thinking 'how do you know he'll be fine?' However he knew there was little he could do and tore himself away reluctantly from Remus' side and made his way downstairs, after all his friends had come for him, the least he could do was go and see them
TBC.